Movies, Pop Culture, Television

Doc O’Clock

I’ve noticed that I’ve been really watching a buttload of documentaries in “quarantine”—I put it in quotes because I’m pretty sure the rest of the world is no longer quarantined but fun fact: when you’re unemployed, quarantine never ends. I’ve always loved a good true crime doc so I can pretend that my several years of watching cop shows and one semester of a Forensics class have qualified me to solve crimes. Typically immediately after I watch a true crime doc, I speak to everyone I know and even some people that I don’t about the details of this horrific crime sometimes even becoming a truther attempting to exonerate murderers who have been sentenced and are currently sitting in jail like I’m Kim Kardashian or something. (See: Stephen Avery & Scott Peterson) HOWEVER, I found myself really reaching beyond the typical true crime doc these past few months and expanding my doc horizons. And all of this consumption has compelled me to yap my face off about the things that I’ve found and now believe I’m an expert on. If you would like doc recommendations, or just want to feel exponentially smarter from watching hours and hours of TV like I do, feel free to browse the below list of documentaries that I’ve consumed over the past 6 months. And if I might add an overall comment, incorporating actual text messages into many of these docs has really added a whole new layer of invasiveness and enhances my incredibly nosy viewing experience tenfold. BRAVA.

I’ll Be Gone in the Dark – HBO

I was overly-hyped for this. I had heard through Twitterland that this doc focused on Michelle McNamara, a crime writer married to comedian Patton Oswalt, who invested her time focusing on the Golden State Killer and cracked the case on her own. I love Hollywood and I love murders so this seemed like a real match made in heaven. Unfortunately, that was quite a Twitter exaggeration. Michelle was writing a book entitled “I’ll Be Gone in the Dark” about the Golden State Killer and was getting access to the case documents and immersing herself in all of the evidence and details of his murders in the 80’s but there were a lot of other people doing the same thing she was doing as well. Most of the victims, people from the town, law enforcement and others had formed groups and were determined to solve this open case. Tragically, Michelle died before finishing the book or seeing the arrest of the Golden State Killer. The doc is through the lens of Michelle’s work and includes a lot of victim personal accounts. Due to the fact that they did not find the killer until recently and the crimes took place 30+ years ago, there wasn’t a lot to offer by way of video evidence or footage so there was a lot of reenactment, which I have a hard time taking seriously. What I did take seriously was the one recorded phone call they had of the GSK saying “I’ll kill you bitch” which they chose to play 900000 times and I chose to crap my pants each time it was played. As someone who was not familiar with the Golden State Killer, I found the details about his crimes very interesting, especially because he was so prolific for many years, breaking into people’s homes at night, raping and killing. So basically every fear of mine come to life whenever I’m home alone. Even though I found it interesting, I did start to get a little bored after the third episode and therefore this wasn’t an overwhelming home run for me in the doc department. Adding in Michelle’s tragic story created another interesting layer, but I feel like it could’ve been wrapped up a little neater. Also by interesting I mean kind of horrifying because she was terrified and had stopped sleeping because of how much she had immersed herself in this case. And she didn’t even get to see this scumbucket finally get caught. And not for nothing, but how OUTRAGEOUS is it when serial killers have a family and everyone’s like yeah we had no clue dad/my husband/Uncle Joe was raping and murdering 5 nights a week. WUT?!

The Vow – HBO

I cannot stress enough how obsessed I am with this story and documentary. For those looking for a quick and dirty doc, this is not it as it’s episodic and each episode is an hour long. They release a new one each week, so if you’d rather binge I suggest waiting until they’re all up—right now there are 7 episodes out there. This series follows the cult NXIVM, which holds a special place in many of our hearts as it was a hometown cult. Started by Keith Raniere in Clifton Park, NY, anyone from the Cap Region might have heard about this through the years or might even know someone who was involved. As a Saratoga Resident for 10ish years, I gleefully outbursted when Keith described Clifton Park as the “Rome of the modern day” and texted my old co-workers when our radio station banners were hung in the gym where Vanguard invites everyone to watch him play volleyball every night. I even got excited when I saw the Dalai Lama visit The Palace Theatre. So I would say it’s especially a must-watch for people who live in that area because they have TONS of video footage from the former cult members who are the main focus of this doc, plus it’s not often that HBO shines a spotlight on dear old CP also referred to as Albany almost exclusively throughout the series even though they are completely different cities. But anyway, let’s get to the real meat here which is that NXIVM started as self-help classes and preyed on people who were kind of lost in their career or life path and told them to sign up for a couple thousand dollar course and start working the stripe path to get different colored sashes and eventually have the opportunity to bone Keith Raniere, one of the schlubbiest looking men alive. Let me be clear, this is not coming from a judgmental place. Well, the sex with Keith part is. But falling for this cult thing is not and mostly because I know for a fact I would’ve fallen for this. I, too, am a wayward soul looking for happiness. And if someone approached me and was like I know how to guarantee you’ll be happy again, I’d be like yeah bitch let’s do this. Unfortunately once I attended my first volleyball game where Keith is wearing a sweatband in his long grey hair and being treated like a sex symbol, mouth kissing everyone’s faces off I’d be swiftly out. But that’s just me. The details of this cult are not only baffling, but the fact that it went on for 20+ years before law enforcement was involved is nuts beyond belief. Since I’ve already babbled on too long and I could probably talk forever about my fascination with NXIVM, I’ll just say watch it and get back to me. I mean, literally I brought this shit up in therapy and my therapist had to tell me 3-4 times that she’s not an expert on this cult before I finally gave it up. SO JUST WATCH IT, OK?!

The Social Dilemma – Netflix

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This doc interviews executives in some of the largest internet and social media companies and brings to light just HOW MUCH the internet was created to stalk our lives. It’s an eye opening experience for all generations because as much as adults want to say they’re too old for social media, look no further than Facebook to see the olds POPPIN OFF on the daily. So it really applies to all ages here. There are astonishing facts about how the rate of suicide and mental health issues in middle school age children skyrocketed after the invention of social media. There’s explanations as to how people who wrote the actual algorithms to keep you hooked online fall for the same pitfalls we do even though they created it. So basically this is the doc for anyone whose ever had a conversation about getting a new vacuum cleaner and then the next time they open Facebook or Google, there’s ads for vacuum cleaners. It’s crazy and invasive and yet I will never ever ever give up social media and you can’t MAKE ME. But seriously, lots of interesting stuff and then a little bit of “the internet is going to ruin the world” vibes as well. Take that with a grain of salt. It seems like the world is crashing and burning all on its own with minimal interference from the internet but whatevs. 

This is Paris – YouTube

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Yes that’s right I’ll even stoop to Youtube if it means getting to pull the curtain back on an infamous celeb. Although I really wanted this to be about Paris’ lavish upbringing and how she came to basically create reality TV and the “famous for nothing” crew (lookin at you, Kimmy K)…what it was really about was much darker than that. When Paris was in her teen years she was sent to a bunch of different behavioral correction schools, escaping them all and finally ending up in one out in Utah where she and the other “students” were mentally, physically & sexually abused. And Paris never even told her parents this until recently, just burying the trauma until she decided to seek justice and reunite with old classmates through this doc. Overall I’d say it was interesting to see a lot of public things that Paris did through the new perspective knowing that she was abused for several years when she was forming her identity. She admits that most of her relationships have been abusive, even showing paparazzi photos where she has bruises all over her body. Obviously she touches on the sex tape and how she was coerced into it by her first real boyfriend who she was trying to impress. And probably the most interesting tidbit of them all, Paris is Keyser Soze. She’s secretly brilliant and has been putting on this dum dum “That’s Hot” act ever since the early 2000’s. In her child slavery schools she was forced to clean so acting like she didn’t know what a sponge was in “The Simple Life” was pure acting talent. Her normal voice octave isn’t breathy and moronic. Bitch has been playing the media for decades and has made billions off of it. Watching this unfold throughout the documentary leading up to the point when one of her former fellow students pointed out that she was a physics brainiac in school was the moment when Keyser Soze loses the limp at the end of the movie (spoiler alert). Glass shattered. Paris is smarter than us all. Also, hands down best scene of the whole thing is when Paris is DJ’ing Tomorrowland, the biggest festival she’s ever played, and her drunk insecure boyf picks a fight with her minutes before she’s supposed to go on and she loses it on him and gets him bounced from the entire festival. If you don’t immediately want to start cheering for her in that moment, you’re not human. The director said she wanted it cut out and I’m glad it didn’t get cut because that was PURE entertainment and suuuuch a SAVAGE Paris moment. 

American Murder – Netflix

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Nobody loves a deep dive into a murder more than me, but this one just hit different. I felt very icky after watching it and it took me several moments to craft a tweet to sum up why. What it really came down to for me was the fact that not only was this a very recent murder so I was involved in the story from when it broke and not just learning about it through this doc, but it was a murder of 2 children and a pregnant wife. I feel like I can’t remember any other murder that I’ve read/heard about that includes children. And not only that, but this documentary included LOTS of footage of the children and the wife. It turns out Shanann (a name I will NEVER be able to pronounce, it’s Shannon or bust) fancied herself somewhat of an internet influencer. They had an overwhelming amount of videos from her Facebook page just updating her “followers” on her kids and her husband and things she was going through, some of them were very personal about her health or serving as inspirational messages for people who might be watching. She seemed to be the type of person who filmed and/or took pictures of everything. Which is EXACTLY the type of person I would roll my eyes at and block on Facebook, but now, seeing it on a documentary about her untimely death, it just seemed sad and eerie. There were many videos of the kids and their dad, showing them playing together or just being a normal family. Her pregnancy announcement was filmed. And I think it was just especially jarring in the age of social media to have all of this now included in true crime docs. I’m so used to reenactments and old-ass interrogation tapes. This is very much a modern doc, right down to using the police chest cam footage from the days after Shanann and the kids go missing. And don’t get me wrong, I HATE docs that are just talking heads and no action, so I really loved the fact that they incorporated all of this video footage and even personal texts that she had sent leading up to the murder. And yet it’s a catch-22 because Chris Watts is the SCUM of the earth and it just painted a clearer picture of the fact that Shanann and her children were murdered in the most disgusting way, FOR ABSOLUTELY no reason. So now that I’ve ranted about it giving me the uncomfies, let’s talk about the rest. The BIGGEST takeaway that I had from this doc, was the blonde polygraph chick who was RUTHLESS and I LOVED it…for about 5 mins and then immediately after she was done being a sassy B she suggested to Chris that maybe Shanann killed the kids and that’s the story he went with for several months, blaming the murder of his children on his innocent wife until he finally set the story straight. It was a quick high to low situation, I loved the fact that she was calling him out for being a MORON to take a polygraph when he’s clearly lying, but then she enabled him by giving him a story that there’s NO CHANCE he would’ve come up with on his own, and then rubbed his back for “confessing.” I mean this is the guy who pulled his truck into the garage to put his wife’s body in it KNOWING his neighbor camera-stalks the street. That neighbor deserves a badge of honor btw for knowing Chris was a murderer IMMEDIATELY. Regardless, we’re dealing with a real dummy here and this “interrogation” had some Brad Dassey vibes to it and I’m surprised Chris Watts didn’t ask if he’d be out of jail in time for Wrestlemania after confessing to the murder.

Class Action Park – HBO

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I’ve heard about Action Park for years and knew that Johnny Knoxville was in a movie about it yet felt like that was more a boy movie than something I’d be super interested in. Then people started buzzing (specifically my favorite cousin who constantly tells me I’m funny so obviously I trust her opinion the most) about this new doc and you KNOW I have FOMO, so I decided to watch. And yes, Action Park was NUTZ. Just the cannonball loop alone was a covered slide with a loop in it. It looked like someone drew it and then just slapped some materials together to make it, as if the park was a hamster cage and not meant for human beings. The “mastermind” behind Action Park, Gene Mulvihill would give employees cash for testing out the rides. At one point they noticed people coming out with scratches and when they opened the slide up to see what was going on, previous riders TEETH were stuck in the padding and injuring other kids. WOOF TIMES A BILLION. And this was pretty much the case for each ride they described. They had Tarzan rope swings, cliff dives, slides that dropped 50 feet, and motorboats that you could booze up and ride. Basically this place was a walking lawsuit and everyone who went got injured and even a couple died. My personal favorite, the wave pool known as the “grave pool” where they used fresh water and noted that the human sludge and constant waves made it hard to spot if someone was drowning. When a person died in the wave pool, they cleared out the body and let everyone back in to keep body surfing/potentially also dying. These are all the fun facts I learned by watching this doc, but it was also one of those movies that never ended. I checked my phone several times because it felt like it was hours long and I definitely started to nod off. It was like they wanted to show how badass this place was but then felt the moral obligation to include heartfelt remarks from a family whose teenager died there. It was a real moral crossroads for me because at one point I’m laughing hysterically about how Action Park is SO Jersey it hurts and shouting CLASSIC to someone who drove a motorboat up onto a dock over another human being and walked away… and then a second later I feel like a dirtbag for laughing because this family who lost their child is traumatized and thinks Gene is a total money-grubbing heartless dirtbag.  Real waterslide of emotions, pun intended.

Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich – Netflix

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Again, I may be one of the last people to know what the deal is with Jeffrey Epstein but this doc was a great peek into that world. Sometimes I find that watching a well-made flick about a hot topic that is most definitely a little bit political, is better than learning about it from your Great Uncle on Facebook. This was 4 hour-long episodes and honestly the same message could’ve been delivered in 2 episodes or a feature film. This is one of my favorite things to critique about docs as most of them are THE MOST drawn out for no reason. Unless you have LOADS of compelling footage to show, most of the time you’re interviewing the same people and showing the same 4 photos or clips and that gets old REAL quick. I will also add that this was heavily for the victims and therefore they were really trying to tug at your heartstrings with their personal accounts and the justice they were seeking. Jeffrey Epstein was a very wealthy and well-connected pedo and he used his privilege to get away with it for several years even when the evidence was stacked against him. And his right-hand gal Ghislaine (pronounced in the DOUCHIEST french accent “ghee-lane” or if you’re my dad and have the maturity of a 14 year old, “Jizz-lane.”) who was FINALLY tracked down and arrested recently essentially groomed girls to be raped by Jeffrey and also deserves to rot in prison. If you’re anything like me, you’ll watch this and then immediately dive into the wormhole of conspiracy theories right down to Wayfair trafficking children disguised as expensive cabinets. If this doc taught me anything, it’s that without a doubt there’s a pedo ring in politics and Hollywood and I can’t wait for the day that shit’s blown wide open and these pervs are outed. Also, it taught me that Prince Andrew has a physical condition that prevents him from sweating. LOLOLOLOLOL.

McMillion$ – HBO

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I came late to the party for this one, people were telling me to watch it back in February but I’m cheap and didn’t get HBO until recently when I got a free trial JUST to watch I’ll Be Gone in the Dark and then when said free trial expired, I waited until they sent me a cheaper monthly price before I committed again (to obviously cancel when they raise the price after a year.) That’s how you play the game, folks. Anyway, this one covers the classic McDonalds Monopoly game that ran for a decade and it turns out it was completely rigged. I had no previous information about this case so the story was a real rollercoaster. Doug Mathews was the rookie special agent who first pursued this case and he is ELECTRIC on camera. Honestly if it weren’t for Doug I might’ve shut the doc off after episode 1 because it was a bit of a slow start. And thank God I didn’t shut it off because it was one of my fave doc-series. The creatures that were in this criminal Monopoly ring were the type of people that I couldn’t tear my eyes away from. Robin Colombo in particular. I cherished every time she graced the screen with her Kool Aid red hair, 16,000 wrinkles and constant ciggy hanging out of her mouth. I’m honestly not sure what’s more offensive, the cast of characters that won millions of dollars from McDonald’s illegally or the fact that these morons got away with it for SO long. In fact, had there not been an informant, there would still be schmucks buying winning Monopoly tickets like it’s an underground betting ring and not a fast food chain promotional contest.

Fear City – Netflix

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This is for all my fellow I-talians out there. My dad and I watched this one together in our matching wife-beaters and gold cross chains while we ate sauce and called everyone mamalukes. Just kidding, sort of. Fear City dives into the height of the NYC mafia in the 70’s and 80’s and how a bunch of baby-faced agents took them down. I love a good mafia/mob movie and the best part about this one was that it was real life. The five families were quite literally running the entire city at that time, making money off of the construction of every new skyscraper that was going up, in addition to having their hands in every other revenue-generating business right down to the gas you put in your car. In just three episodes (my favorite kind of doc) you’ll get to see how the FBI managed to assign an agent to each family, bug their homes and build enough evidence to take them all down. The sting operations get my juices flowing (there was a great sting in the McMillions doc where they acted as a film crew Argo style) and watching the bug guy tell us how he put on a mustache and a jumpsuit and dropped by the head of a mafia family’s home to “fix his TV” in the 1970’s when technology literally did not exist was riveting stuff. There wasn’t AS much real time footage as I would’ve liked but again, it was short so it’s not like I was bored to tears.

I Love You, Now Die – HBO

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Nothing excites me more than forming an opinion on a crime strictly from the very few headlines that I read. And that’s exactly what everyone did with this case, which is why I truly enjoyed this more balanced look into what might have happened. I guess this doc came out last year, but having just gotten access to HBO, I went a little apeshit last weekend consuming every recent doc they had and this just happened to be one of them and I wanted to recommend it and not just because it took place in Massachusetts and featured some PRIME Ben/Casey Affleck exaggerated movie accents. The case was a big deal a few years back because technically Conrad committed suicide but once they dove a little deeper into his relationship with his girlfriend Michelle, they found text messages from her encouraging him to do it and she was charged with his murder, which is a pretty controversial thing and a unique murder charge. The doc did a great job of covering the back and forth of if you can really charge someone for murder when they texted someone to do it–at the end of the day Michelle didn’t start that car and let it fill up with carbon monoxide to kill Conrad and it seemed like the judge was kind of torn on it too. What was made very clear though was the fact that both Conrad and Michelle were AWL sorts of F’ed up. They were both being treated for depression and on medication, Conrad had attempted suicide before, and the two of them lived in this kind of toxic fantasy world of dating via text and never actually seeing each other. So for anyone who saw Michelle in court with her jet black bushy brows, her bleach blonde hair and a REAL bitchy stank face and though ooooh this teeniebopper ho is guilty AF, I suggest you watch this and it might not be so black and white. I’m not saying you’re going to finish it and think she’s innocent like I did when I watched the Scott Peterson doc and spent every Christmas party bringing up the gruesome murder of Laci Peterson to everyone who got stuck talking to me in order to convince them of his innocence, but you might just see the case from all sides. And that’s really why we watch docs, right? To get a different perspective, learn some new tidbits, and then shove all of that down everyone else’s throats and act like you’re superior to them because you watched an educational movie that was 100% created with an agenda and also a bias. DOCS 4 LIFE.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/21/2020

1. Apology Not Accepted.

This is celeb apology 101. Joke about it, seem human and relatable and get a little vulnerable and say you’re working on it. I CALL BULLSHIT. “I am that person you see on TV, I’m also a real butthole.” I may have paraphrased here but listen, there’s a reason Ellen has had a reputation as a Hollywood douche for as long as she has. One scripted heartfelt apology isn’t going to fix the official investigation into her show and all of the people she’s mistreated for years. And if one more celebrity comes out to publicly say Ellen is amazing and has never treated them poorly I’m going to hulk smash my phone. SHE IS NICE TO OTHER FAMOUS PEOPLE….SHE IS NOT NICE TO COMMONERS. DUH TIMES A THOUSAND. Smooth moves to spin it on over to Twitch and his promotion v. quickly though. PEOPLE DON’T FORGET, ELLEN. 

2. Arrived for Realz this time.

If you’ll recall my friend Kat has to get a face tat (hopefully it’ll just say Kat’s Face Tat like a fun Dr. Seuss permanent rhyme on her cheek…in the shape of a teardrop Lil Wayne style obviously) because she fake scooped me on this baby’s arrival a week ago. When I sent her the evidence that this little nugget is here, she was quick to point out that those look like week old baby hands and she might still be right. I think that’s a solid counterpoint because I do believe this baby’s hands look like that of a small toddler so I guess she’s free to keep her moneymaker free of ink…for now. Obviously my eyes rolled out of my head at the black and white hand holding announcement. GET A NEW FORMULA PEOPLE. And we will wait with the most anticipation for a name announcement. Both Kat and I think it has a large potential to be weird considering both parents names and heritages but maybe they’ll shock us all with a plain bagel name. Celebrities really know how to keep us on our toes.

3. I Love Me (Reprise.)

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I hate to say told ya so but…..who am I kidding, I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT. I caaaaallllllleeedddd this. IN fact, just a one day ago I was telling a friend who doesn’t follow Demi that closely about her engagement, recapping how it was a relationship that started at the beginning of quarantine and they were engaged by summer and it’s been just a couple of years since Demi was literally brought back from the dead after a heroin overdose and mark my words I said, yeah this isn’t going to last. AND THEN IT DIDN’T. Am I a psychic? Probably. Or I just know my girl Demi. She needs some time alone to work on herself. She needs to be single for a hot minute. I may be tough on her on this blog a lot but I JUST WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR HER, GAWD!!! Shocking to no one, they spent quarantine in a bubble of honeymoon phase sex all the time, no commitments or real jobs bliss and thought hey this is great let’s do this forever! But not so fast… once they had to go back to work again, things weren’t so peachy anymore. Also turns out Max is a real fame whore and was loving all the newfound publicity and attention. If I find out he took advantage of a fragile, poor Demi to up his ranks in H’wood, I’ll smack that pretty boy face of his back to the Disney channel. Fingers crossed this is a good move for my bestie and she can get back on track now bumping the below beat (or my self confidence playlist) and reminding herself that she’s a badass bitch who don’t need no man and focusing on her sobriety. YOU GOT THIS DEMI.

4. Moore Babies.

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Baby Boy Goldsmith coming early 2021 💙

A post shared by Mandy Moore (@mandymooremm) on

What a Mandy Moore announcement. I feel like she’s become this folklore fairy that has Sunday music sessions with her indie band husband so of course her pregnancy news comes via blurry black and white photos. I’m a Mandy stan so I’m thrilled for this news. She got rid of that dirtbag Ryan Adams who not only looked like he needed a shower for the past ten years but also messed with her head throughout their whole marriage and I’m happy that she’s happy and moving forward with her life even though every time she’s interviewed someone inevitably brings Ryan up.

5. Every Party Has a Pooper.

Well this is a total weird move to resurrect a 30 year old movie that already had a sequel. I don’t hate it because I’ll forever sing the classic: every party has a pooper that’s why we invited you GEORGE BAHHHHHHNKKKKS song, and yet this “trailer” leaves much to the imagination as to what we’re really supposed to expect here. Is it another full movie? Is it just a meta reunion via zoom? Who are the extra special appearances? Why is it premiering at dinner time on a Friday? WHAT A TEASER THIS IS. Guess we’ll have to tune in to find out tonight!

BONUS: Ladies Night Special

Channing has been hitting the weights again recently and he wants everyone to see his six pack. Thanks for the update, Chan. Much appreciated. If I was still thirteen and cutting up the Abercrombie & Fitch shopping bags to decorate my textbooks (and hang on the back of my door) you bet your bottom dollar this black and white shot of the Chanster’s naked torso would be front and center.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/14/2020

1. Guard That Pu**y.

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Touchy subject in the #MeToo era of Hollywood is the leakage of nudes. I remember back in 2014 when the “Fappening” occurred and there was a widespread anonymous celebrity nude hack, my entire family sat around the dinner table rating the quality and creativity of nekkid photos. Since most of those were chick photes, I feel it is important to point out that I’m an equal opportunist when it comes to released b-day suit pics. When Orlando Bloom went balls out on a paddleboarding sesh, I also giggled at that and sent it to everyone I know so that they had the pleasure of receiving an unexpected dick pic from me. When Tiger Woods had that weird shirtless photo bopping around with his puffy nips, I zoomed in and sent that to everyone I know too. What I’m trying to get at here is that not only am I a perv and NOSY as hell, but I like to bring others down with me. When Chris Evans started trending on Twitter the other night and I realized it was an oopsie nude, I dug deep into the bowels of the internet to get my grabbers on this pic. Here’s what happened…Chris posted an instagram story of family game night via a screen recording from his phone. A lesson for all novice screen recorders, that shit will capture everything on your screen THUS THE NAME. Apparently he had his camera roll open and the last second of the video got a snag of what he’s got saved in there. The first piece was this meme that I’m sure someone made and he thought was funny with his face and “Guard that Pussy”. At least I hope with all of my heart that he thought it was funny and didn’t un-ironically send that to a lady friend because if anyone ever seriously sent me that even a Guardian of the Galaxy himself, my bits would be drier than the Sahara. Fingers crossed it’s all in good humor. And then snipers also feasted their eyes on a very artsy dick pic from ya boy. I will not be reposting it because as inapprops as my language is and no matter how revealing a celeb is on the red carpet, we don’t dabble in porn pics on The Salty Ju. I will, however, describe this pic to the best of my ability and let your imagination recreate it in your mind’s eye or you can be an adult and google it yourself. Below is the cameral roll with the d*ck p*c blurred out:

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It essentially was a super closeup peen shot, black and white style. Anyone who goes so far to put a classic inkwell filter on your junk is trying to be Picasso. Look, girls have a lot to offer when it comes to the world of nudes. Our bodies are sexy and we’ve got a lot of different parts to work with. Guys just have their junk. And you know what? It looks the same in every picture. No matter how you prop it, it’s a wiener. I appreciate Chris for attempting to spice things up with his dick pic but whether it’s black and white or not, it’s still an eggplant emoji and if sent on a random Wednesday afternoon, chances are the recipient will be disgusted. Sorry guys, I’m here to speak the truth. Since I just dumped all over dick pics in general, I will say that he had the kind of wiener that looked like it was carved from marble. Real smooth peen. Again, could be the filter but it definitely wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. Which is why…he spun it like the PR maven that he is…First he tweeted this:

Then he went on Tamron Hall and faced the music via Zoom. Whatta guy. Chris Evans will forever be known for spin-zoning his nude into a political convo to get people to vote. Should he be the next Pres?

2. YOUTHS, EVERYWHERE!

There’s a lot of these videos from the world trying to relate to Gen Z and the TikTokker’s and I typically hate all of them. I hate Gen Z a lot but having out of touch oldies make fun of them just makes us millennials look worse. I’m trying not to get bullied by people who are ten years younger than me making millions off of online vids, be cool everyone. But then LOVABLE AF Paul Rudd came along and made this video possible. In his stupid yellow sweatsuit dancing it out and using all of the garbo phrases youths use like yeet & no cap & dank & fam. He even added a tasty guitar lick to keep it spicy and a callback to one of his most adorable moments with “hey look at us.” Do I hate the fact that Governor Cuomo had anything to do with this because he’s a tryhard confusing old man sex symbol who wants youth approval? Yes 100%. But do I love the fact that Paul Rudd called him Cuomz? Yes 100%. I’ll let this slide because it’s the Ruddster and he can do no wrong. Also because youths are stupid as hell and the more we point it out *fingers crossed* they’ll become self aware and stop bullying millennials online for being old and out of touch because IT HURTS OUR FEELINGS, OK?

3. BB’s.

Baby Bloom

I’ve gotten to the point where there’s so much freaking baby news each week that I’ll just be combining it into one “headline” because babies are a real snoozefest and yet I feel obligated to report on them. First up we have Taylor Swift’s gift to Katy Perry & Orlando Bloom’s newb. It’s not enough that Taylor wrote a whole album during quarantine, she also has to be one of those artsy people who just whips up a hand-embroidered silk blanket as a baby gift. Gawd that’s annoying. Next we have Chrissy Teigen “accidentally” revealing that she’s having a boy with a social media video. Make no mistakes, pre-recording a video and posting it on several social media platforms is not an oops unless it’s an artsy dick pic. Stop playing dumb, Chrissy–we know you’re an internet pro.

A pregnancy announcement from Ashley Tisdale–her first child. And on the opposite end of the spectrum, Taylor Hanson, 1/3 of the genius that is MMMBop is expecting his seventh child. SEVENTH. THERE ARE GOING TO BE 7 KIDS IN ONE HOUSEHOLD. WUT. My vagina shuddered at the mere thought of that. 

And finally my friend tried to fake scoop me (punishable by face tat, start picking out your mug art, Kat) that Gigi Hadid had her baby which resulted in a very lengthy analysis of just how many months along she actually is because it seemed FAR too soon for labor–I even involved my mother who reminded me that Jessica Biel had a baby and no one even know she was pregnant, which just got me re-annoyed that she’s married to Justin Timberlake and I’m not. BUT ALAS, false alarm…baby still in belly. In fact we were #blessed with several bump peeps this week from the Hadid clan. First from Bella who showed just how out of touch she is with this world by calling washboard supermodel abs a “food baby” –pro tip for Bella, if you can roll the waistband of your size double 0 jeans you are anything but bloated…and then from Gigi herself giving us some ANGLEZ to prove that this creature has yet to enter the world regardless of her dad posting poems for it on Insta.

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from about 27 wks 🥺💙 time flew

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4. Cardi B & Offset Get the Big D.

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I guess even the wettest of P’s still can’t hold a man down. Your downstairs could be a waterfall and you could be a certified freak seven days a week and your rapper husband will still be dipping his paw in some other chick’s honey pot. Girl better dance that WAP on over to someone who appreciates it. HEYYYOOOOOO.

5. That’s Hot.

I took the liberty of watching the Paris Hilton documentary so that you don’t have to. Don’t say I never gave you anything. The doc was created to reveal that Paris had a trauma early on in her life that basically shaped everything and how she presented herself to the world. She was sent to a behavioral correction school out in Utah as a teen because she loved partying and wanted to get into the fashion scene and her parents wanted better for her. It turns out this place thrived on mentally, physically & sexually abusing their “students.” Paris kept all this locked up until recently when she decided to do this doc and reach out to a group of girls who went through the same thing she did. Overall I’d say it was interesting to see a lot of public things that Paris did through the new perspective knowing that she was abused for several years when she was forming her identity. She admits that most of her relationships have been abusive, even showing paparazzi photos where she has bruises all over her body. Obviously she touches on the sex tape and how she was coerced into it by her first real boyfriend who she was trying to impress. And probably the most interesting tidbit of them all, Paris is Keyser Soze. She’s secretly brilliant and has been putting on this dum dum “That’s Hot” act ever since the early 2000’s. In her child slavery schools she was forced to clean so acting like she didn’t know what a sponge was in “The Simple Life” was pure acting talent. Her normal voice octave isn’t breathy and moronic. Bitch has been playing the media for decades and has made billions off of it. Watching this unfold throughout the documentary leading up to the point when one of her former fellow students pointed out that she was a physics brainiac in school was the moment when Keyser Soze loses the limp at the end of the movie (spoiler alert). Glass shattered. Paris is smarter than us all. Speaking of being smart I also watched the Netflix doc The Social Dilemma this week (yes that’s right, I have full range in my doc viewing) and I recommend it to anyone who doesn’t suffer from anxiety and social media addiction. Cause that B blew shit wide open when it comes to the social media age and how it’s ruining our society and the AI and algorithms that are specifically created to know our every want, need, mood & otherwise and prey on it. YIKES ON BIKES. THE WORLD IS ENDING. PARIS HILTON IS A SECRET GENIUS AND THE INTERNET IS OUT TO GET US. DOOM DOOM DOOM.

BONUS: It’s video time, baybay. First up we have this guy Mike known for his sarcastic and hilarious 60 second classics where he breaks down scenes or entire movies (mostly from the 90’s). As an avid fan of 90’s classics, I personally enjoy his videos and this one was posted this week that had me in tears. For all fellow 3 Ninja’s stans…listen to him break down their RIDICULOUS schoolyard hoopz challenge. *Goes full rocketeer and sends that cheese to the moon*

Next up we have a collection of new beats/videos that premiered today. Brett Eldredge covered Billie Eilish’s Party’s Over. I’ve always loved this song and after hearing Brett hold the note in One Mississippi live a few years back, I know he’s got pipes and I love that he covered this. Kinda weird to put the audio over concert footage of him bopping around clearly singing a different song but whatevs. Then a song that is basically just a remix (I don’t at all understand DJ’s and how they can basically release a “brand new song” that’s been around for 30+ years) but it features the “IT” couple from Outerbanks so if you’re thirsty for some John B content, I aim to please. And lastly, a new drop from Bieber who seems to have been very busy in quarantine creating new music and this is quite a deep vid. What a tale he weaves with this Holy beat.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/2020

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Today is 9/11 and I’m not sure that I’ve ever posted a blog on this day but it feels really cheap to post nonsense about celebrity garbo without at least acknowledging the day. This morning I read the following blog that was written 2 years ago, but I never took the time to read it before. It’s a personal perspective of someone who was working in Manhattan on that day and lost family members and friends and I thought it was really moving and well-written and a reminder of what a big deal that day was because it can often get lost in the years (especially for people like me who do not live in or near NYC) so I’m sharing it with you. CLICK HERE TO READ

1. RIP to E!’s Kash Kow.

The world had begun to believe this day would never come. After TWENTY seasons of Kardashian’s on our TV getting married, divorced, arrested, knocked up, and going on lavish all-expenses paid vacations and then threatening to leave said vacations when there was a slight conflict…the era is officially ending. Once we witnessed as a world the transformation of Bruiser to Caitlyn Jenner…I felt like the Kardashians would dominate our televisions forever. It just didn’t seem like there was anything they wouldn’t film and yet they’ve finally decided that after building E! up and basically creating reality TV as we know it, it’s time for them to move on. They’ve officially become TOO famous for reality TV. As someone who religiously watched this show from its birth up until Kim married Kanye AND someone who wrote an entire research paper my semester abroad on how the Kardashian’s are actually savvy businesswomen (this gives you a little taste of what college is like in other countries…one of my greater pieces of work) I can honestly say that it’s probably time for these a-holes to go. I drank the Kool Aid, I watched all the spin-offs, and then just for shits and giggs I flipped on a recent episode this year to see what they counted as quality TV these days. The episode covered a massive fight between Kourtney and Kim because Kim held a birthday party for North in Mexico, filmed it for the show and Kourtney ended up paying for the crew and security’s flights out there for a birthday party that wasn’t even her own kid’s. And that’s where I draw the line, folks. Reality TV in itself is pure dumpster fire flames hot garbage. It’s called a guilty pleasure for a reason. HOWEVER, when it gets to the point where the show that you’re watching is covering fights about how their production team isn’t paying for their own flights to film the very show you’re consuming? That’s a little TOO real. This should’ve been settled in negotiations. I don’t want to see how a reality show is made. That’s not what I’m signing up for here. ESPECIALLY because all of these people are loaded and a flight to Mexico is equivalent to me buying an ice cream cone for myself. I want to see Kim call her siblings RUDE and hit them. I want to see Scott rip EVERYONE a new asshole, mock Kris Jenner directly to her face and then prank call her later pretending to be Todd Kraines. I want to see Kourtney and Khloe act like 14 year olds together and give me new stupid phrases that I can say or talk about how they put mayo on their vag to make it softer. I want to see a marriage crumble before my very eyes in the most cringeworthy fashion (cough cough Kris Humphries.) And you know what? We’re just not getting that content anymore from the Kardashians. They’ve gone full celeb-mode and can’t be bothered with reality TV. And that’s fine, just get them the hell off of my TV. Make room for the new crew…

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I’m just kidding this show looks awful too. E! just might need to cut their losses here. Their LIVELIHOOD was the Kardashians. I swear you could turn on E! at any point in time and they’d be playing some version of a Kardashian show. It’s either that or Sex and the City. There’s no in between. If E! was really smart, they’d not only rotate their old reality TV shows but also bring a few back. They played a marathon of Married to Jonas the other day and I sat immobile for a solid 4 hours just watching the magic that is Danielle Jonas trying to speak on camera. I also got to remind myself that Kevin Jonas went HAM on some crawfish in Louisiana before a music video shoot and had to leave set abruptly due to a mean case of the crabby runs. All of this brought me great joy. Jessie James and Eric Decker’s reality show? Bring it back. These are the people that are just on the CUSP of mega-stardom that create quality trash TV. They’re willing to do or say anything on camera no matter how dumb it makes them look and these are my peeps. Hell, if E!’s looking, give me a reality show. My sister and I make ourselves pee our pants from laughing at the stupidity of people in this world on the daily. We’ll entertain the masses. Just the other day we jumped in her pool after a few cocktails and she convinced me that because I ate so many clams that day, I’d sink to the bottom like a clam. I was legitimately scared to jump in. See? DUMB PEOPLE THRIVE IN REALITY TV. Anyway, I got carried away there (or did I just pitch a new show?!) Either way, I can’t report this news without drawing attention to the fact that the announcement came from Kim, still proving that the one who starts it all with a sex tape, gets the last word. Never forget “OH SHIT, RAY J” and the sex tape that started with just video footage of her feet at the beach. What a wild ride it’s been. May it remain in our memz foreva, especially if I’ve had a few cocktails.

kimmykcry

2. Nathan Scott Off the Market.

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She said yeah 🙌🏼☺️

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This is only important news to those who grew up wishing Nathan Scott would be their husband (at an unreasonably young age, high school marriages FTW) and would spend the rest of her life watching him make a free throw without looking, to then jump into his arms to celebrate. Underwear Slushee: Population – ME.

Ok, fine obviously James Lafferty is his own person and not a fictional babe soda who plays basketball and got married to a touring singer at 16. Congrats on his engagement, mostly because I approve of his choice, Alexandra Park of The Royals fame. It appears as though Marc Schwann may have been a real dirtbag, but he did manage to put James and Alexandra in the same stratosphere by creating both of their shows. So there’s that. These two have been very hush hush about dating but as a real Grade A internet creep, I’ve known they were boning for years and I support it wholeheartedly. If anyone’s going to have baby James, I’m cool with this Aussie babe. EVEN THOUGH it pains me to break up The Royals ship of Eleanor and Jasper. (Especially because those two have more pics together on social media than who they are actually banging) Yes, I’m aware that I’m far too invested in fictional relationships. That’s what happens when you’re eternally single and have the maturity of a 14 year old girl writing in her diary every night and re-watching teen soaps.

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w/Jim – photo cred Fellini aka @stephencolletti

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I expect none of you to watch the following very obnoxious fan vids for each fictional couple, I’m literally just posting them for my sister because if we’re going to talk about two top notch shows and the couples that made them, I would be a terrible fan to not include some highlights of their best cheesy, smoochy mo’s (yes I abbreviated moments, DEAL WITH IT) set to a dramatic soundtrack.

Wishing these two every bit of REAL LIFE success. Ya know, without cheating scandals, limos flying off bridges on their wedding day, assassination attempts, etc. 

3. Goldberg GLOW-UP.

goldberg

I’ve reported on many 90’s child stars who have had extreme run-ins with the law in their adult years. Since I have pointed out their misfortune and wondered why I had such raging childhood crushes on several cast members of The Sandlot who turned out to be wife beaters and various other 90’s gems who took to the hard stuff…I feel it is also my duty to report on when they’ve turned things around. This will be the first time I’ll get to report this to date. As you’ll recall, the funny chubster who farts a lot turned out to be a meth-head tweaker. WELLLLLLL…he’s been living in a sober house, he’s clean, and he’s got a new set of chompers and BOY OH BOY what a difference that makes!

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We’ve got the old Goldberg back, folks! I don’t have to throw out my t-shirt after all! He’s literally a completely different person from the creature pictured above and I’m real proud of him. Keep on keepin on, G-berg. 

4. Fall SUCKS (Pls read in Sandler shouting voice.)

Hi, it’s me. Ya girl who is OBSESSED with summer and would live on a tropical island if it meant that the sun would be baking my skin for every second of my existence and I could listen to the ocean waves and have salty beach waves foreva. When summer begins, I’m the happiest person alive. When summer ends, I’m the saddest person alive. I don’t care about your pumpkin beers or your football or your apple picking. Summer will forever be my jam and I’ll scream it from the rooftop. Score one point for me not being a basic betch. We’re already in that September sweet spot where everyone is yapping about that fall chill and cozy blankets from Homegoods and Pumpkin Spice. And I’m jamming my fingers in my ears and screaming LALALALALA as I strap on my bikini again and continue to go in my sister’s pool even though the temperature is drastically dropping. Why am I going on this rant, you ask? Cause it’s my blog and I do what I damn well please. But also, because I’m real dry on celeb news this week and I’m reaching into the nethers of the internet to come up with this “headline.” We’re already getting a taste of Halloween, because obviously with basic betch Fall comes spooky szn. If we’re being real, Spooky Szn started in March and hasn’t stopped yet. So let’s see how we’re gonna handle going to strangers homes and eating their candy in a pandemic. But regardless, Netflix has a deal with Adam Sandler to keep making his Happy Madison flicks and this one is the latest. I smashed play and got excited for a new funny Halloween movie to add to the mix, then watched this trailer with horror–not the fun H-ween kind.

You’ve got a stacked cast of Sandler’s usual suspects and basically every member of SNL past and present. Oddly missing: Rob Schneider with a lazy eye. Although, potential spoiler alert, he’s probably the creature causing all of the creepy mayhem. So to tack right back onto my shitting on Fall theme, this movie stinks. It’s not even out yet, and it stinks. There is no one on this earth that needs Sandler talking in a weird voice that changes from scene to scene for this Halloween season. Give me a seltzie and the beach and let’s pretend this never happened. 

5. New Beats.

Two parter for “new song Friday”, a feature that I only include when I’m desperado for things to include. The first song courtesy of my girl Demi and the “DJ” that just wears a marshmellow with a face on his head. It’s a fun lil 80’s dance vibe with feel good lyrics. Because when Demi tells me it’s ok not to be ok, I believe her. Thanks gurl. I am very much NOT OK. But you know what? That’s ok right now. Cause Demi said so. The second song was discovered via TikTok (I’m such a youth now) and I immediately grooved my face off to it. Lotta flack for this gent saying it’s not real country, but guess what, not all country needs to be Garth Brooks, so let’s relax. Everyone’s mixing genres these days. Let it happen, bro. Great pool/beach song for when you’re in denial about summer ending like MOI. (As I sit on the couch in pants and a sweatshirt, still cold. FU world.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/24/20

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1. BeeeeeBeeeeee’s. 

 

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Welcome to the world, Daisy Dove Bloom! We are honoured to introduce Goodwill Ambassadors @KatyPerry and @OrlandoBloom’s new bundle of joy.⠀ ⠀ “We are floating with love and wonder from the safe and healthy arrival of our daughter,” Katy and Orlando told us.⠀ ⠀ “But we know we’re the lucky ones and not everyone can have a birthing experience as peaceful as ours was. Communities around the world are still experiencing a shortage of healthcare workers and every eleven seconds a pregnant woman or newborn dies, mostly from preventable causes. Since COVID-19 many more newborn lives are at risk because of the increased lack of access to water, soap, vaccines and medicines that prevent diseases. As parents to a newborn, this breaks our hearts, as we empathize with struggling parents now more than ever.⠀ ⠀ “As UNICEF Goodwill Ambassadors, we know UNICEF is there, on the ground, doing whatever it takes to make sure every expecting mother has access to a trained health worker and access to quality healthcare. In celebration of the heart we know our daughter already has, we have set up a donation page to celebrate DDB’s arrival. By supporting them, you are supporting a safe start to life and reimagining a healthier world for every child. We hope your ♥️ can bloom with generosity.⠀ ⠀ Gratefully-⠀ ⠀ Katy & Orlando.”⠀ ⠀ Please tap the link in our bio to support the most precious gift: a healthy child.

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ForEver grateful for this true blessing💙

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A LOT of baby-related news this week. Like my ovaries are rusting from within and it’s just baby city up in Hollywood. At least it’s proof that some couples still like each other  so that’s always good! I also must give credit where it’s due, my bestie has the ultimate scoop edge by living on the west coast and therefore getting breaking news while I’m fast asleep. I woke up Thursday morning to texts from her scooping me on Katy’s birth and updating me on Lea’s child’s name. Proud of her for taking advantage of the time difference. Scoop never sleeps. Katy and Orlando AND Lea and Zandy (eye roll) jumped RIGHT on that current celebrity baby announcement trend of black and white hands/feet grasping. I’m so over this. 0 points for originality. Someone needs to shake this up FAST. If the only news we’re going to have each week is a divorce or a baby, we need a little creativity with the announcements OR WE RIOT. Now onto the names. Daisy Dove is exactly what I would’ve expected from Katy. Double D’s. Just kidding. I don’t hate it but I’m not in love with it either. I’m comfortably indifferent. First time for everything. And as for Lea…Ever is stupid. I’m sorry but that’s not a name that’s a declaration. OUT on Ever. NOW…. onto the real rant.

 

I’ve got a bone to pick with Brie here. Obviously they’re going for the B theme. Brie, Bryan, Birdie, Buddy. That’s obnoxious as hell but whatever, I get some families are real into that. The real issue here is this little bud’s middle name. It is DESSERT. HOWEVER she clarifies in the above post it’s pronounced DESERT. THESE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORDS WITH COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PRONUNCIATIONS AND COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MEANINGS. WHY WOULD YOU GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE THIS 100000X MORE CONFUSING?! MAKE THE NAME DESERT IF THAT’S WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO CALL IT. ESPECIALLY because you’re naming him AFTER an actual name. Was your nana’s maiden name DESSERT pronounced DESERT? If so, your ancestors are morons. I am FIRED all the way up about the stupidity here. You know how often kids confuse Desert and Dessert? A WHOLE LOT. You’re now PART OF THE PROBLEM. Ugh ok. I’m done. Obviously you knew once they announced twin pregnancies that this whole process was going to be People cover story material so I’m glad they didn’t make us wait too long for the unveiling. Nope, I lied. I’m not done. I read the article in People mag and I got annoyed again. First of all, they’re already nicknaming Matteo (God’s gift) to Teo, so whatever that’s fine, I didn’t expect them to really be calling their baby Matteo like he’s an astronomer from the 1500’s. But Brie’s daughter Birdie AKA Bir Bir has nicknamed her little brother Bud Bud. BIR BIR AND BUD BUD. Goodbye.

 

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Hi I’m Buddy 💙

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My life is so complete 🥰 @theartemc @people

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I’m back. THE BELLA BOYYYYZZZZZZZ! Matteo and Buddy!!!!! What’s hilarious to me is that they’re all about twinning and doing everything together and yet TMZ reported that Nikki put her house that she built and decorated for herself (pre-Artem convincing her to marry him and knocking her up) directly next door to Brie on the market. So that was a solid 9 months of being neighbors. Next season of Total Bella’s would be much more entertaining with them living in each other’s buttholes with their newborn cousin twins. I’m not a producer…but I should be. Don’t move, Nikki. Learn how to spell Desert, Brie. TYSM to all. Love ya suh much.

2. BeeeeeBeeee BUMP.

 

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growin an angel 🙂

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7.26.20 🕊

A post shared by Gigi Hadid (@gigihadid) on

 

At first Gigi was like I’m not posting about my pregnancy because there are more important things going on in the world and I want the focus to be on that. And then she apparently was like eh F it, this photoshoot is too good not to share. It is a pretty classy collection of bump photos. It’s not over the top with nudes but tasteful black and white silhouettes. Plus she’s an actual supermodel so I don’t really know if she can take a bad picture. Doesn’t detract from the fact that I feel like she’s a literal infant herself and this is 1000% an oops baby but at least it’s going to be a Vogue oops.

3. Aunt Becky Goes to “Jail.”

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Alright enough baby talk, let’s switch it over to the slammer. It was announced LAST Friday when I was thoroughly enjoying a Girl’s Day full of poolside cheese balls and adult bevvy’s that Lori and her hubs were “sentenced.” I use the term loosely because this has been a several year long process and has been built up so dramatically over time that we all knew there was only one outcome to this scenario, and obviously it’s the outcome that every rich person gets. A short stint in a cushy Hollywood jail that they will 1000% not complete. Lori got 2 months, her husband got 5. The chances that either of these turds serve those full sentences are SLIM. There was a headline about Lori being nervous about serving time amidst corona virus, as if she’d be put in a county jail swarming with people spitting on her or something. Listen, if Jeffrey Epstein was quite literally raping middle school students in Florida and running a pedo “massage” ring out of his mansion and got to leave jail to take his PJ out and about whenever he pleased on “work release”, I can guaranTEEE you that Aunt Becky won’t go to prison for paying her kids into college. That’s just not how the system works. They make a big F’ing deal out of this whole case and promise the judge is going to throw the book at them and I called bullshit from the start. No one will EVER make an example of a rich and famous person. Felicity served a month, Lori will serve a week or two and that’ll be all she wrote for the GREAT college scandal of H’wood. Honestly her getting cut from the never-ending Full House franchise probably hurts worse than a “jail” sentence. HAVE MERCY!

4. We Are All Old.

 

Cause Kevin McAllister told us we are. Seriously, Home Alone was made before I was even born, so don’t be tellin me I’M OLD OK KEVVVIIIIIINNNNNNN?!

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Oh jk, jk, he’s just doing his job. Everyone, relax. I love the fact that Macaulay recognizes that Home Alone was his defining career moment and that’s all we want to hear about from him and embraces it full-force. Also to relate it back to myself as I’m best known for doing, in Home Alone 2 (the superior Home Alone) when Kevin says “I’m 10 years old. TV is my life,” I’ve never related to a statement more except that it applied when I was 10 and also present day. I can honestly say that I’m 29 years old and I’ve watched so much TV in the past week that I have a literal back ache from how I was propped up on my bed/the couch. It all started last weekend when E aired every episode of Sex and the City followed by both movies. They called it something dumb like Sex all weekend or whatever and YES I ATE THAT SHIT UP. Even got my mom in on it as we pondered Aidan vs. Big and I scolded my mom for not remembering Berger who BROKE UP WITH CARRIE VIA POST IT NOTE. And when you start your week watching middle aged women talk about sex in Abu Dhabi, there’s really no rock bottom. So I binged my Housewives (#TeamBrandi, Denise is a cease and desist turd sandwich) and I tried Black Monday (not for me, sorry), watched all of High Fidelity on Hulu (100% must watch for Cherise who is a boss and might be one of my fave TV characters of all time. Wish she had more screen time.) I even went backward in time and saw Bridget Jones’s Diary for the first time–I allowed my curiosity for why this was such a phenomenon to outweigh my hate for Renee Zellweger. The movie stinks and I have no idea why they were compelled to make 3 of them or what was cutting edge about a thirty year old woman who drinks and smokes a lot (see: SATC series AND movies.) I discovered that my favorite Sophie Kinsella book Can You Keep A Secret was made into a low budget film that I assume was straight to streaming with Alexandra Daddario and Tyler Hoechlin. Also recommend for anyone who loves an awkward as hell rom com. And I even went so far as to sign up for a free trial of HBO (setting a reminder to cancel before they charged me an outrageous $15) so I could finally get my peepers on I’ll Be Gone in the Dark and subsequently ask my mom to close the door of the bedroom next to me so I can be sure the Golden State Killer wasn’t hiding in there waiting to rape and kill me. Good news, he was finally sentenced this week so we’re all safe from HIM but once you hear a phone call with heavy breathing and “I’ll kill you bitch”, there’s really no reassuring your fears. I also took it upon myself to rewatch Crash from 2005 with my free trial week. Turns out, a movie about racism and anger still holds up today… AND THAT WAS ALL IN ONE WEEK, FOLKS! YA THINK I NEED A JOB OR SOMETHING?! I mean, I just turned Mac’s birthday into a rant about how much television I consumed this week. If that’s not a talent, I don’t know what is. Felt like I needed to get that off of my chest. Plz feel free to DM me for more in depth reviews/rec’s of all of my consumption. Also, to bring it back to Mac…here’s Brenda Song’s loving bday tribute to him. I was literally shocked to be reminded that these two are dating. Seems like things are going swell though.

 

PS almost forgot to include that I watched this masterpiece last Friday and go right ahead and put it in the cheesy dance movie top 10 because WOOO what a masterpiece. Despite the fact that the lead character leaves frizzy hair in two solid chunks in her face for the whole movie and refuses to wear anything other than baggy khakis and chunky sneaks like she’s Working Girl and not a high school student in 2020.

 

5. MUSIC TIME!

Here’s the portion of the show where I don’t have enough headlines to yap about this week (or last…I double dipped) so I throw up some songs and youtube videos that brought me joy.

 

The Barden Bella’s came back to sing one of my all-time favorite Beyonce songs. Of course, I use the term sing suuuuuuuuuper loosely because all of them are 9000% lip syncing but whatever it’s all in good fun. Close your eyes and groove it out. Bonus points to Brittany Snow for working in a fan for Beyonce hair.

 

I’ve always loved Jaaaayyyyy-SuuuNNnnn DeRUUUUUUllloooooooo and this song is fun and the video has a whole lot to look at. But in a good way. Not in a WAP way.

Also, check out this 10 year old drummer who is cooler than I will EVER be.

 

BONUS: After a hiatus from the world of youths and never understanding what it is they’re looking for in snappy 50 second videos, I made my triumphant return to the Tok and have been posting whatever the hell I feel like posting and then watching in awe as the shortest & least funny video takes off in views and likes. Apparently there’s a real treasure trove of One Tree Hill fans living in TikTok world. Who knew.

 

 

@thesaltyju

When your #folklore CD comes a month after you ordered it with star confetti and NOT a personal cardigan from Taylor Swift herself. 🙄 ✌🏽

♬ exile – Taylor Swift

 

 

@thesaltyju

#Dance like nobody is watching. Or like your dad is doing an FB Live show and you want to show off your fresh moves while he tunes his guitar #sytycd

♬ Nominate – Stonebwoy

 

 

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/27/2020

1. A LEGEND HAS DIED.

Regis

We lost our beloved REGE this week. On Saturday to be specific, of course when I was in the countryside with no service. I got scooped on it and was BESIDE myself when I went to read the deets for myself and found that my internet ceased to exist. Obviously Regis was old and it shouldn’t be a shock that he passed but I did not take the news lightly. In fact, I took it so personally that I knew I wasn’t in the right headspace to see Kathie Lee’s tribute to him on the same day that I found out about his death. I needed a few days to accept and come to terms with it before I could dive into what she had to say. I literally brought up his death in therapy this week, so obviously I’m doin real well. But first, my own personal anecdote. I worked on The Rachael Ray Show as an intern senior year of college, I’m sure I’ve referenced it before as it’s probably the closest I’ve ever been to Hollywood. Rege was a regular because he’s TV royalty and why wouldn’t you have him as a guest?! Anytime the Reg-ster was there, you knew it. As he walked out onto set, he made eye contact with and greeted everyone. There’s a lot of times that you talk about celebrities being dicks in real life and Regis was the exact opposite. That zing that he brought to your TV screen? That’s legit just how he is. He’d walk through with a huge smile on his face, cracking jokes and tossing out finger guns. He was a walking party and I wanted him to be my grandpa. A LEGEND. There’s too many dirt bag celebs (cough cough Ellen, more on that later) so it’s always heartwarming to know someone who was truly just a good human with a warm personality and just happened to be famous on the side. Anyway, onto Kathie Lee’s tribute, which I can finally handle now.

She also spoke on the Today Show about how she visited with Regis a month or two ago and they laughed just like they always do when they get together and had a ball and that was the last time she saw him. And she noticed that he was failing in health and it might be the end. And Rege’s wife Joy shared with KL that she hadn’t seen him laugh like that in months. REGIS AND KATHIE LEE FOREVA. THEY ARE THE CUTEST. And not to bring down this lovely tribute to Reger’s with negativity but let’s just be clear that Kelly ain’t shit. Regis MADE Kelly and I *FEEL* like she wasn’t at all grateful and just saw him as a dinosaur. Their chemistry wasn’t even CLOSE to him and KL and all around Kelly comes off as a real twatmonster. I mean look at her “tribute.” A cold, written statement–nothing personal about it. Get the hell out of here, Kelly.

Hey Kelly, check out Gelman’s tribute HERE if you want to see what real human emotions look like.

2. Pray for Reese.

nicole-reese

Emmy nomzzzz have been released and Reese Witherspoon got DUMPED on. That’s my biggest takeaway. Not that we’re announcing nominations when we don’t even know if the awards show will happen unless it’s Zoom-style. They’ll figure it out. What they won’t figure out is how they could spit in the face of Hollywood’s sweetheart. Reese has been CHURNING out female-empowering content through her production company and acted in THREE shows this past year. THREE. And everyone else got noms in those shows but her. I can only personally vouch for Little Fires Everywhere because I refuse to pay for another platform just to watch The Morning Show–but she CRUSHED playing an unlikable 90’s mom bitch in that. Like I hated her. And it must take superb acting to hate a sweetie like Reese. In fact, after seeing Kerry nominated for Little Fires, and Jen nominated for the Morning Show and Meryl AND Laura Dern for Big Little Lies…all Reese had to say was this:

What a class act, honestly. Also not all bad because her production company created every single one of these shows so she’ll still cash out on a W. But still doesn’t hurt to be recognized for her onscreen efforts. For what it’s worth, I’d nominate you, REESE!!!! Kerry Washington’s flared nostrils ain’t got shit on your skillzzzzzz. CLICK HERE to see the full list of noms including a shout to Love is Blind (the cringiest low budget reality show that hit right when quarantine started, rocketing it to fame) and a nomination for Brad Pitt guest starring on SNL. THAT’S a stretch. When are we going to stop being so obsessed with the Pitzer? And let’s hope and pray that we can somehow rig a real life awards show not via video conference because Mama needs a red carpet. She’s jonesin for some judging.

3. J Baby Hath Arrived.

joe-jonas-sophie-turner

Honestly I feel like it was just yesterday that I was announcing her pregnancy and fearing that if I was wrong I’d have to get face ink. But it has been reported that the baby is HERE and it’s a girl named Willa Jonas. And I APPROVE! What a great, normal name! Willa J in da HOUSE! It has also been reported via the latest Taylor Swift album lyric: “Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart / Now I send their babies presents” that she sent them a gift. There’s no actual evidence of this, other than people over-reading into her lyrics so I guess Willa is the youngest owner of a Taylor Swift custom cardigan and seriously WTF. I’m still seething over the fact that I didn’t get one. Another thing that I brought up in therapy, so if this baby got one I might just spiral.

4. Ellen Sucks.

ellen

Remember how I bragged about my unpaid internship for the Rachael Ray show? While it’s when I was there back in 2013 that I learned how much of a DICK Ellen is to work for. Hollywood’s a gossipy place and it didn’t take long for a fellow intern to reveal she had also interned for Ellen and it was a real nightmare. I’ve kept that in the back of my mind as she continued her run as the #1 daytime show and danced her fake ass out onstage every day. My mom used to dance along with her and then you know what? The schtick got old. Also, it was becoming more clear that she was over this TV show and was putting in a real half-assed effort. So I’ve been quietly boycotting her for years. Then quarantine hit and apparently Ellen’s time to shine was COMING TO AN ABRUPT END. There was a Twitter thread asking people to share all of their terrible Ellen stories and it went viral. People talking about weird shit she did like making them chew gum outside of her office before coming in because she has a sensitive nose or telling them not to talk to her at all. Here’s a few of those nuggets:

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Then it became clear that she wasn’t paying her crew during quarantine but was continuing to make her show and different bits from home. Any host who can afford to pay everyone’s salaries for months without it even affecting their bank account and chooses NOT to is a real douche sandwich. Then it got quiet again and it was clear that Ellen’s power and fame were going to drown out the years-long complaints of mistreatment. UH UH HONAY. The WB launched an investigation this week and FINALLY we get some sort of acknowledgement from Ellen and it’s HILARIOUS. She sent an internal letter to staff playing dumb. Here’s the gist–full letter can be found HERE:

“Hey everybody – it’s Ellen. On day one of our show, I told everyone in our first meeting that The Ellen DeGeneres Show would be a place of happiness – no one would ever raise their voice, and everyone would be treated with respect. Obviously, something changed, and I am disappointed to learn that this has not been the case. And for that, I am sorry. Anyone who knows me knows it’s the opposite of what I believe and what I hoped for our show. I could not have the success I’ve had without all of your contributions. My name is on the show and everything we do and I take responsibility for that. Alongside Warner Bros, we immediately began an internal investigation and we are taking steps, together, to correct the issues. As we’ve grown exponentially, I’ve not been able to stay on top of everything and relied on others to do their jobs as they knew I’d want them done. Clearly some didn’t. That will now change and I’m committed to ensuring this does not happen again.”

“I’m also learning that people who work with me and for me are speaking on my behalf and misrepresenting who I am and that has to stop. As someone who was judged and nearly lost everything for just being who I am, I truly understand and have deep compassion for those being looked at differently, or treated unfairly, not equal, or – worse – disregarded. To think that any one of you felt that way is awful to me. It’s been way too long, but we’re finally having conversations about fairness and justice.”

So are you committed to stop being a total a-hole to the people who work for you orrrrrr? What a classic bitch move to just not at all acknowledge the horrific rep you have and real stories that have come out and just dance your way out of the conflict by saying you had no clue this was going on and your show is all about happiness. And then to point fingers and say they’re misrepresenting her. I hope everyone teams up to DRAAAAG her. It’s the era of Cancel Culture. ADD ELLEN TO THE LIST, YO. Even Brad Garrett spoke out, which I hope means other celebs will too. YAAAAS. Smell ya later, Ellen!

5. The Kissing Booth 3.

flynn

This news will play to a very small audience, but after saddling up to the TV on Friday night for the Kissing Booth 2 premiere with my sister and our equally as teen flick obsessed bestie on Facetime, we snacked, drank wine & drooled over Noah. We also cringed our life away because this flick is not for the faint of heart when it comes to cheesy teen storylines. Their new hottie with a body character designed to swoop in and break up Elle and Flynn was so obsessed with his guitar that at one point they’re sitting on the beach having a serious chat and suddenly his guitar just emerges from the sand so he can end the convo with a serenade. There were several hysterics from us at that moment and the hits just kept on coming with him, including very shiny matching silver lamé with Sketchers shape-ups outfits for a dance competition. Ugh. But I got carried away there as I tend to do. They left the second movie on a cliffhanger, Netflix’s favorite way of telling you that this will be a never-ending series beaten into the ground. And then the stars were like PSYCHE! we already filmed the third and it’ll be out in 2021. So no panicking here about a long wait post COVID times for a new movie, as it’s already been completed. What a trick. Here’s a sexy sneak preview to get you all riled up for more Elle and Flynn:

And then to bring you right back down, here’s some INCREDIBLY awkward moments to prove that not only can Jacob Elordi and Joey King not even do press together (that’s how bad their breakup was) but it seems like Jacob pretty much hates the entire cast and has no interest in being a part of this trilogy. Also, not for nothing, he has a real life mullet and looks like garbo lately. Either way, I can only imagine how awks filming two movies in a row were for these two considering they refuse to even be interviewed together. WOooOof. Get all the uncomfies here:

Start at 6:15 for the cold AF promotion of the movie and transition back to the entire cast getting along and promoting it together:

Special thank you to my assistant Nikki, who spent an undisclosed amount of time watching Youtube clips after the premiere on Saturday to try and sniff out every unbearable interaction between these two former lovers and learn why they broke up. Unfortunately since they avoid talking about each other, this may be a secret that we never learn…but we’ll never stop sleuthing.

BONUS: FOR THE LAAAADIEEEEZZZZ

Here’s a glance at a hot bod getting hosed down. WET MUSCLES, MMMMMMM. K have a great weekend.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/6/2020

1. Naya Rivera Missing.

naya

This is not the kind of news I like to report, I like to keep it light and fluffy for the most part but this is a huge headline that hit yesterday, and one that I was regretfully scooped on nonetheless. Naya Rivera rented a boat on a lake in California with her 4 year old son, when the boat was due back and they still hadn’t returned, the boating company went out looking for her. They found the boat with her 4 year old in a life jacket sleeping on board and did not find Naya. They’ve been searching the water, believing she has drowned and the most recent update is that they’re presuming she’s dead even though they’ll continue to search for her body. Apparently lake conditions are currently difficult for finding bodies, according to the police leading the investigation. They’ve basically been searching “by touch” because visibility is so low, which is a terrifying thing to picture doing. There’s a WHOLE bunch of things that are weird about this situation and let me be the asshole who points them out–maybe I watch too much crime shows and think I’m an expert, or maybe I’m actually onto something here but there are many fishy things about this accident. First of all, it strikes me as odd to go out on a pontoon boat (usually reserved for larger groups of people, known as a party boat) with just yourself and your toddler son. I’m obviously not a mom, so I can’t begin to judge her motherly decisions but I do know that I would never trust myself to adequately watch a small child while also driving a large ass boat on a lake. Seems like a second set of eyes on the kid would’ve made more sense. This is also coming from someone who won’t swim with her 3-year-old niece alone because I’m terrified of her drowning and she runs around the pool like a madwoman. Jus sayin. Secondly, Naya is not without controversy. She made headlines a few years ago with calling off a divorce to her husband and then having a domestic dispute reported where she hit him. Then they got divorced for realz. So their relationship was not without v. public issues. Again, this could be because I’m in the midst of season 2 of Dirty John, but something is odd there. Thirdly, she posted this a week ago:

I get that it’s common, especially right now for people to declare tomorrow is not promised but also THIS IS A LITTLE TOO EERIE. I very much hope that they find her safe and sound, although that doesn’t look to be the case right now. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see as more details are revealed.

2. We Finally Have a Trailer.

The minute this trailer dropped, my sister sent me the link and by the time I had watched it, she’d already viewed it twice. In fact, she watched it so many times that first day, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she’s on some sort of Youtube red alert watch list for that questionable activity. But ya gurl is just excited that we finally have a teaser–it’s about damn time. They announced a sequel almost as soon as the first one premiered two years ago (click HERE to remember how much I drooled over it), and then we all had to watch as the two leads very OBVIOUSLY broke up in real life, and you know what happens when showmances end in the real world…they most certainly end on film as well as the actors no longer want to smooch each other. I’m less enthralled with this trailer than my twin. I’m not a huge fan of making a sequel of perfection to begin with, and I knew where it was heading. Your boyfriend who tried to hide dating you for most of his senior year doesn’t just go off to college across the country without any conflict. OBVIOUSLY they set up a real rocky road for this follow-up and I don’t love that. Then on top of the fact that people in college rarely continue to date their high school sig other, they add in a new hottie high schooler with a gleaming six pack to tempt Elle. COME ON. Like seriously, who has a six pack in high school? Get the hell out of here. No one should be called a SNACK in high school. However, there is some tiny sliver of hope that these two crazy kids make it work after all and I will hang onto that real hard. You bet your ass I’m going to find out on July 24th and report back.

3. Matching Nudes.

Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that the Bella Twins are both pregnant and will probably give birth on the exact same day cause TWINNIESSSSSS. This week they did a pregnancy photoshoot together (and with Artem?) and spammed everyone’s insta with a bunch of nudes. I would be offended except that they were flawless of course. Check them out here and try to imagine how awkward it must be to be nekkid with your sister and then her boyfriend shows up and pops his top off to get in on the action. WHERE WAS BRYAN?!

Also, while we’re yapping about the Bella Twins, can we rap about how weird it was that their mom just casually had brain surgery last week? On the season finale of their show, their mom shows up for a shopping day and her entire left side of her face is drooping down to her ankles. It was v difficult to watch and I remember saying to my friend why would she allow them to film this? She claimed she woke up with bells palsy and seemed VERY casual about something that caused half of her face to look like it was melting off. Well, apparently it was a brain tumor and she had brain surgery this week to remove it. There’s a reason this family has a reality show.

4. #FREEBRITNEY.

@britneyspears

HOLY HOLY CRAP 😍 !!! My florist surprised me today by making the flower arrangement all different colors 💐 … just had to SHARE 🌸⭐️ !!!!

♬ Blinding Lights – The Weeknd

I realize ever since I got my Brit Brit graphic tee, I’ve really amped up my news on her but as a proud owner of a shirt with her mug on it, I feel like it’s my social responsibility to report the latest. Brit posted the above TikTok and everyone immediately started razzing on it because it was just another weird video in her lineup of walking on and off camera and doing a twirl videos that she posts on the reg. She points out the flowers and then they are in the video for .2 seconds and she just keeps popping in and out with dead eyes. A ton of people duetted with her TikTok pretending to be the videographer for this masterpiece, and out of them all, this one was my fave:

THEN, CONSPIRACY hits the comment section. Britney superfans start telling everyone to knock it off and reveal that Britney is closing in on 40 and still under a conservatorship. Basically she has no freedom to do anything without permission and all of her money goes to her dad. People believe that her dad is keeping her on a dosage of meds to make her act like a loony toon (which she clearly seems unwell on her social media) so that he can continue to control her and all of her assets. And now we’re on a #SAVEBRITNEY campaign. Also, as fans began commenting and asking if this was a cry for help, one fan told her to wear yellow in her next video if she needs help and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, BRIT WORE YELLOW. And even pointed out “this is my new yellow shirt” and at one point said she reads all of the comments. SO SOMEONE GO GET BRITNEY SPEARS AND TELL HER TO COME LIVE WTIH ME AND MY PARENTS. They don’t feed me drugs and sometimes they take me out for ice cream. We can make TikTok’s together of sound minds and you can show me how to twirl with my hands in my pockets. FREE BRIT BRIT!!!! JUSTICE FOR BRIT!

5. RIP Charlie Daniels.

This is just an excuse to post this bangerang of a song. Rest in peace, Charlie. Thank you for creating this masterpiece and allowing me to butcher it one time with my friend at a karaoke bar after a few adult bevs. We definitely felt like we crushed it, I used a borderline offensive twang and also air-played the fiddle. I hope you can forgive me from beyond the grave. Love you so much.

BONUS: Here’s a happy video of Tom Hanks having the time of his life diving into the pool on his birthday. What a gemstone he is. Bring this joy into your weekend.

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This Greyhound is 64!! Hanx.

A post shared by Tom Hanks (@tomhanks) on

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Pop Culture, Television

Quarantine Bingies

Being holed up in your home for the past month or two means LOTS of TV time. Realistically it should also mean lots of reading time but most of these shows I’m about to recommend were based on books anyway so you’re really killing two birds with one stone here. (JK, I’m a book nerd and I stand by the fact that books are better than movies, but that opinion doesn’t really align with laying horizontally for 10 hours straight watching an entire series in your pajamas.) You know all those things that have been sitting on your “watch list”, well no excuses now. Play like a champ and smash “I’m still watching.” I’ve done a little recon for you and I’ll let you know below which new series to consume in full immediately, and which ones you’ll be #blessed to miss out on.

SKIP

Tiger King – Netflix.

This one came out early quarantine and me telling you to skip it is a WILDLY unpopular opinion but honestly it was a dirt doc and I’m not afraid to shout it from the rooftops. The premise of the doc was to uncover the weird, trashy world of exotic animal owners and ended up mostly following the feud between Joe Exotic and Carole Baskin and an eventual jail sentencing for Joe attempting to do a murder for hire. The documentary is 7 episodes too long. There’s episodes that dive into things that could have their own doc and are completely irrelevant to the story, then they gloss over things like someone committing suicide in front of someone else. I’m not going to go on and on about this doc because you’ve most likely heard about it non-stop since it was released. There were certainly entertaining parts as you watch the underbelly of white trash commit crimes and bang each other, it’s a lot like a horrific car wreck that you can’t look away from. But don’t waste 7 hours of your life on it. Just watch a highlight reel of Joe Exotic if you want to be in the know. On TOP of that, there have been two specials released since the world became obsessed with  the story–no new info was provided, they were both basically repeats of what we already knew and now everyone in Hollywood is fighting over who should play these “characters” in a movie. WHY DO WE NEED A MOVIE OF A DOCUMENTARY? WE ALREADY SAW THE STORY IRL, WE DON’T NEED TO THEN WATCH A MOVIE SO I CAN SEE NICHOLAS CAGE PLAY JOE EXOTIC. Obviously I’m very triggered about this because it takes everything that is lazy and un-inventive about Hollywood and magnifies it. We didn’t have a movie made about Making A Murderer. We just tweeted about getting justice for Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey and made fun of how the entire Dassey/Avery compound answered the phone “Yeah? Yeah.” for a few months before forgetting completely about it. And you know what?! That’s what we should’ve done with Joe Exotic. Laughed at a few memes and the fact that there are people in this world who take wedding photos with their husband on a leash in a one-shouldered tiger toga and move on with our merry lives.

PS the more attention we give these trash machines, the richer they become and as someone that is forever in debt, that is NOT something I can support.

Normal People – Hulu.

I didn’t have high hopes for this show because it is one of the very few books that I gave up on after a couple of chapters. I have an annoying habit of not being able to not finish something that I’ve started even if it’s horrible, so I only have a few movies/books I’ve ditched halfway through –so you KNOW this one really stinks on ice. Then everyone was buzzing about how it was made into a TV show and how obsessed they were and I was like eh let’s give it another shot, maybe it’s more visually stimulating than the book. It was not. There is literally no substance to this show, it’s the blandest thing on this earth–at times I literally felt like it was moving in slow motion. It’s like staring at a glass of skim milk for 12 episodes–their only saving grace is that they’re 30 minute-rs, thank God because the hour long epis for all these new shows were starting to wear on me. This series follows a friends with benefits sitch between a weird, smart girl and a popular athlete. Tale as old as time, the athlete wants her to keep it a secret that they’re having sex and basically treats her like dog shit yet still bones her every day after school. (The series also follows them throughout college.) He’s not even attractive so we can’t even call him a hot douche, and the story takes place in Ireland, so I had to use subtitles to even know what the hell they’re all saying. There’s a LOT of sex, so if you’re into Irish softcore porn, this series is for you. Otherwise, you can get the same amount of bland plain bagel boning by turning on E! this weekend as they undoubtedly show another 50 Shades of Grey marathon for the 500th Saturday in a row. ALSO: let this be a lesson to any TV show moving forward, if you play Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap, the only thing I’ll be seeing is Marissa Cooper shooting Trey to stop him from kicking Ryan’s ass…so putting in the background of a montage of you banging just won’t work. That song retired out of the TV game with the OC and everyone knows it.

Double also, props to me for sticking it through all 12 episodes and you cannot even for a second try to convince me that the lead girl isn’t Anne Hathaway 10 years ago. It’s creepy as hell and I spent most of the time wondering if Anne traveled back in time to do this show because I was so bored and I had a lot of time on my hands to brainstorm.

Marianne Normal People 5

Hollywood – Netflix.

I gave this one episode. I know that’s kind of cheating and shit but I knew from that one episode that I wasn’t going to be into it. JK I knew when I heard it was a Ryan Murphy joint that I wasn’t going to be into it. So this is more a personal preference skip. If you, like me, think everything Ryan Murphy does is sensory overload then opt outta this one. It’s a re-imagining of the start of Hollywood basically but with more inclusion on sexuality and race. Since Ryan Murphy is a big ole big booty baller in Hollywood (the real one, not the Netflix one) he’s got budgets through the roof so there’s a heavyweight cast of A-listers and the set/visuals are movie quality. Unfortunately for me, (as you might have also assumed from my previous review of Normal People) I’m just not into watching shows where everyone bangs each other…and that’s pretty much how this one started out. So it’s a no for me dawg, but make your own grown up decisions about if you’ll like it.

Upload – Amazon Prime.

Honestly, it says a lot about the quality TV they’ve been dropping during Quarantine that I’m scrounging for stuff that’s so bad, I’m telling you not to waste time that you have seemingly endless amounts of watching. This was another personal preference skip but not because it’s a bad show…just because thinking about death and what happens after we die gives me MAJOR anxiety. I tend to avoid shows that deal with the afterlife because who the hell wants to think about that, especially right now?! So I gave it one episode and was like ok I need to quit…then in the last few minutes of episode one, they trickled in a little mystery and suddenly I was starting episode 4 in the same sitting. So like I said, to each his own. This futuristic series (just picked up for season 2) follows the untimely death of a young guy in a world where you can choose to just die and go to heaven, or you can choose to be uploaded to a simulated world and become an avatar like you’re in Sims heaven or something. Also, real world can communicate with uploaded world. Super weird stuff all around. I don’t typically like to think this hard about how things work in a made up world when I’m watching TV (plus DEATH) but it’s actually pretty funny–same creators as The Office & Parks and Rec–and like I said, there’s a little bit of mystery to how he died and damnit if I get hooked by a mystery EVERY TIME. Plus Robby Amell ain’t too shabby to look at, amirite ladies?! And there’s a love story to it as well. Truly something for everyone! [Update: I finished the series in a day and will absolutely be tuning in for season 2 to find out what happened. Sue me.]

Middleditch & Schwartz – Netflix.

I was pretty amped up to check this one out because I have a huge boner for everything that Ben Schwartz does. I’ll watch any movie he’s in and instantly like it, I’ve even been dabbling in indies just because he’s the lead so I guess you could say Ben Schwartz has made me supes cultured. Plus, as I’ve yapped about before, he gave us Jean Ralphio and nothing can top singing stupidity. Now that I’ve gone deep in the B.Schwartz droolfest, I regret to inform you that I lost interest in this almost immediately. It’s a short series–only 3 episodes and the first time that a full improv show has ever been brought to TV (not just bits like Whose Line is it Anyway.) And if I might add my two cents, I’m not sure that it translated. I had a super hard time keeping up with what characters they were playing and following the story. Definitely a few laughs here and there but way too much brain work for comedy. I guess I’m too dumb for improv so I’ll just tuck my tail between my legs and go back to watching low budge flicks featuring Ben.

 

WATCH

Little Fires Everywhere – Hulu.

Based on a book, this one was a Reese Witherspoon specialty. Typically I read every single book that Reese recommends and then her all-ladiezzzz production company turns the book around into a very dramats series with a bunch of A-list actresses. It’s a win, win really. The story follows a mom and daughter who move around a lot and barely scrape by, everything they own fitting in a car. They move into an elite neighborhood in Ohio and a super ritzy family rents out an apt to them then the kids become friends and their lives are intertwined but it’s very clearly a class struggle and the two moms hate each other’s guts. The series has Reese and Kerry playing the two moms and added race as a main focus to the story as well. Despite the fact that Kerry Washington’s only face for the entire series is this with a quivering lip:

kerry

Which is annoying beyond belief, the rest of the cast managed to act their asses off without a weird face. The last episode was definitely the best, special shout out to my boy Joshua Jackson who kind of stayed under the radar for the whole thing then had an epic shouty meltdown in the last epi that had me triumphantly raising my fist from the couch. Bonus points that the story takes place in the 90’s and therefore has the best music–Chumbawamba, Mariah Carey, Alanis Morisette, Collective Soul, 2Pac…all the classics. If I may add my final words of wisdom, however, let’s leave this at a one and done. The book ended the same way, we don’t need to unearth multiple seasons of everything. Learn your lesson from the giant waste that was Big Little Lies season 2, Reesey Piecey. I don’t need an entire season dedicated to a Meryl Streep cameo with no plot. Tysm.

Never Have I Ever – Netflix.

The latest in Mindy Kaling projects, this one is definitely the most inclusive peek at high school you’ll ever see (or I’ll ever see…I don’t know where you went to high school but the FM Hornets were not aflush with black, Indian & Asian teens.) It follows an Indian-American sophomore who just lost her dad and is trying to cope with that while also smooch boys and be a cool sixteen year old except that she’s a real nerd-bomber. Narrated by John McEnroe for an interesting twist–and making it feel much more acceptable to watch as an adult, it has the typical sassy Mindy writing that I love and plenty of awksies teen moments. The real hero of this show is main character Devi’s mom, who has to tolerate her salty AF daughter and knows just how to put her in her place–like not making bagel bites for her and her friends as an after school snack because Devi called her a bitch. A bagel bite-less homework sesh is the worst kind of punishment if you ask me. I used to eat a hot pocket with soda every day after school so if my mom ever took my snacks away I’d run away from home too. But anyway, I was expecting this to be a real uproarious teen comedy with some To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before teen crush vibes…but it was actually much more emotional than I expected. I teared up a few times and thought they had a good mix of funny and sad plus a great cast of characters that all pulled their weight in different ways. AND they left it hanging on a love triangle cliff hanger, which I’m nothing if not a sucker for. Sign me up for season 2, yo.

Dave – FX/Hulu.

I’m going to preface this one with a little “it’s not for everyone” disclaimer (Mom and Dad, I’m looking at you.) If you’re not familiar with Lil Dicky at this point, then if I had to guess, you won’t enjoy this show. Lil Dicky is famous for being a white Jewish rapper who can spit bars but mostly raps about funny stuff and makes himself the butt of the joke. I’ve blogged about him here and there for his ridiculous tunes and when I heard he was making a semi-autobiographical show, I gave it a chance fully realizing that I have no street cred. BUT the great news is, neither does Dave/Lil Dicky, which made me feel right at home. The show follows him and his weirdo friends as he chases his dream of becoming a rapper. There’s a couple of early episodes that are touch and go but he really hits his stride toward the end of the season and the second to last episode had everything from a family wedding with an emotional toast to diarrhea in the woods. A real emotional rollercoaster, if you will. I literally cried real tears, both from laughing so hard at the poop and sadness from the maid of honor speech (no spoilers.) Dave has the ability to create a real storyline for an episode and then typically tie it into a song by the end. Mad props for creating something original and interesting in TV times where nothing is original, and tossing in a Kourtney Kardashian/Justin Bieber cameo for the basic betches too. Also, Gata is hands down one of the coolest characters and I would like to be his friend.

The Last Dance – ESPN. (Final two episodes to air this Sunday)

I feared that I wasn’t the target demo for this one because I’m not a boy who was born before 1990 and the only thing I know Michael Jordan from is Space Jam. However, propelled by my severe FOMO when Twitter only talked about MJ every Sunday night, I decided to give it a whirl and I was PLEASANTLY surprised, which compelled me to include it in this list even though the entire series isn’t available yet, but will be after this weekend. Plus credit where credit is due, this doc was set to be released in June and everyone was so desp during quarantine that ESPN threw us an early bone. Also, it’s about time because the majority of the footage they created this with is 22 years old and was just legit collecting dust until Jordan finally said IT’S TIME. As someone who knows literally nothing about Michal Jordan’s career, especially the 1997-1998 season, I find the doc very interesting and I can’t wait to see what happens! Will they win the championship again? Will Phil Jackson furrealz get the boot? Will Scottie Pippen ever grow into his teeth? Will Bugs Bunny take down the Monstars? I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT. Other things I’d love clarification on: why the hell did all of the Bulls chew gum on the court like their jaws were going to stop working at any moment? As someone who has accidentally kept gum in her mouth during gym class, I can tell you that it only makes you thirstier and the gum gets rock hard much more quickly when you’re salivating for some agua. Weird move by that team. Is that what made them so good? Did they have a Winterfresh sponsorship? Also, why does MJ have milky yellow eyeballs? Feel free to report back to me with legitimate or silly answers to any of these questions. This is what ESPN gets for a non-target demo consuming their product. Sorry not sorry. [Last minute tag-on comment: my favorite two episodes so far have been 7 & 8 as they jump us back and forth from the early 90’s to the late 90’s making ties to where Michael was emotionally in those time periods and drawing parallels. And if that sentence just made me sound like an educated film critic, let me completely ruin that by saying THE best part of these two episodes was how much Michael Jordan called his teammate a ho. Bully Jordan is WAY more hilarious to watch than gambling Jordan. Couldn’t stop giggling. May LaBradford Smith rest in peace.]

Outerbanks – Netflix.

I was fully prepared to put this on the skip list after hearing mixed reviews and feeling like the only positive reviews came from people much younger than me. Advertised as a cross between The OC and The Goonies, Outerbanks just didn’t seem like it’d be for me. Then I started it one night and finished it by the next afternoon, gripped the entire time. I’m half and half about recommending it because I don’t know that I would want to be that stressed again while watching TV. So I guess if you’re looking to be on the edge of your seat and having a whole lot of anxiety at dumb teenagers doing everything they can to put themselves in danger, then definitely watch this. If you’re just looking for a hot teen drama (like I originally was) this probz isn’t for you. There was FAR more violence than I was anticipating. Like every episode the same 4 characters get their asses kicked to the point where I genuinely wonder how they’re all alive, let alone not severely injured. They all just manage to escape with some shiners (which just make them look kewler), no biggie. Plus there’s a kid who just illegally carries a gun everywhere and everyone keeps telling him to stop bringing his gun and he’s like nah I need it, yet never has it on him when he actually needs it. Plot twist. But anyway, the real shining star of this series is the lead character, John B. Yes that’s right, he is addressed as his first name and middle initial for the entire series by every single character–to an excessive amount. It’s very hard to take seriously. No JB, or John Jr because his dad’s name was John. It’s literally John B. ALWAYS. It’s a good thing he’s a real babe soda in his mostly open-button Tommy Bahama shirts to make up for his dumb AF name (relax, pedos, he’s 27 IRL.)

Now that I’ve thoroughly distracted you with a John B thirst trap, let’s talk about how the first episode was very misleading that we would mostly be served with John B’s hot musings on Pogue life and then BAM all the sudden I’m watching an old lady with glowing eyes chasing a bunch of kids with a gun and I was scared to brush my teeth before bed that night thinking the old blind bag would emerge from the guest room and chase me with a fire poker into my room. At least we all have new stupid terminology to abuse all summer when we want to call someone rich or poor. Kooks and Pogues. STAY OFF THE CUT.

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(If you haven’t realized it yet, my lifelong dream is to be a beach babe who lives on the shore and only dresses in beachy casj so this show really fulfilled that for me and much like when I came back from Hawaii and refused to take off my backwards Hawaiian floral hat and shoved hang loose down everyone’s throats, I will continue that tradition of pretending to be an islander with Pogue Life. I’m already halfway there because in quarantine I’ve been brushing my hair out and letting it air dry, thus creating a very frizzy beachy wave. Mahalo. Pogues til Death. ‘Guna for Lyfe.)

Seriously check out those beach waves. Lettuce for DAYZ. Also yes, yes I did put on my bikini and reenact going to the beach on the kitchen floor for a TikTok, thanks for asking. Maybe if it stopped SNOWING, the world would be able to appreciate my big beach energy.

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Happy Quaran-streaming!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of February 24, 2020

1. MAN TAY.

The Man was such a throwaway song for me on Lover that I’m surprised it even became a single and yet at the same time I’m not at all surprised because Taylor is on a mission to be top dawg Feminist these days and she won’t stop until she reaches the top or in this case, dresses as a man to show why men stink. At first glance of this “man” I was like oh of course Taylor only casts hotties in her videos. Then no less than 30 seconds later I was appalled at myself as the camera zoomed in and I saw Taylor’s exact face with a beard on. So obviously since it’s a T.Swift music vid it has 90000 other clues and meanings and blah blah blah but I just seriously can’t get past the Man Tay. I mean look at the picture below that she posted. HOW CREEPY IS THAT. WHY WOULD YOU EVER ANGLE YOUR TERRIFYING PROSTHETIC FACE IN THAT HORROR MOVIE WAY?! Even if I was the hottest person on this earth, a cocked head and blank stare at the camera is a guaranteed way to give everyone nightmares and lead them to believe I want to turn them into a skin suit.

Anyway, once you get past that it’s a fun Wolf of Wall Street-esque FU to men everywhere and LDC, specifically. But not the Rock though. Because he’s a Tay supporter and therefore gets to voice the “man” and be a big hulking piece of feminist man meat. Anyway, I’m over it. If Cruel Summer isn’t the next single I’m going to hurl myself off a bridge and I don’t really think that’s being dramatic. PS LOL to Taylor thinking she fooled anyone into thinking that wasn’t really her by that BIG REVEAL at the end.

2. Butthole Eyes.

Syracuse’s favorite celebrity, Pete Davidson just dropped his Netflix special and it is THE BUZZ this week because rather than taking the high road post VERY PUBLIC engagement breakup, he got down on his belly and army crawled through the Ariana Grande ravines, using her name and star power as much as possible to draw attention to his probably otherwise forgotten standup special. Well it worked. And now I might even watch the special. Great PR work. Either way, the best part about it, is that he recognized the fact that Barstool called him Butthole Eyes and he’s pretty kewl with it. (Butthole Eyes is still top 5 of weird insults you could hurl at someone.) He has a good sense of humor and can clearly poke fun of himself. Maybe he could also explain how he keeps bedding super model babe after babe. Cause it’s really been a revolving door for him tongue-ing in public since Ariana left. I’m having a hard time keeping up.

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3. Friends Reunion Fakeout

This news is a week old but I didn’t do a JUice last week and I definitely feel the need to pop off about this. HBO Max announced that there will be a Friends SPECIAL with the original cast and it will be unscripted and BASICALLY IT’S JUST AN INTERVIEW WITH THE CAST OF FRIENDS. Maybe they’ll talk about their favorite episodes or tell behind the scenes stories or you know, do all the same shit they’ve been doing for the past 10 years but all together in one studio for a paid subscription network and this is straight bullshit. Anyone who saw this news and was like OMG THE FRIENDS REUNION WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR is dumb. This isn’t a reunion of the show. It’s a special with the cast. Relax. It’s a marketing tool to get more people to get yet another subscription and I’M NOT BUYING IT. Call me when Friends is back on Netflix.

4. GIVE US LIZZIE MCGUIRE. Speaking of dumping on streaming services that are all about the hype, less about the delivery, let’s talk Disney +. They amped up a Lizzie McGuire reboot with original cast and since I’m a Hilary Duff stan through and through, I was like YUP give me Disney +. Realistically what I did instead was ask my two year old niece if she’s seen the movie Frozen (knowing full well she hadn’t) thus leading her to beg for Frozen until her parents bought her Disney + which is the only place Frozen lives. Then I was like oh great, I’ve been meaning to get Disney +, sharesies?! So whose the real mastermind here. It’s always me and don’t you ever forget it. Either way, I now have Disney + and the only time I’ve used it is to watch the movie Cool Runnings. So all around giant waste of a streaming service. I’ve been waiting with baited breath for this Lizzie comeback. Well OF COURSE it’s delayed. They made a big stink about shooting in NY, then production halted and showrunners changed and now Hil is giving us some BTS scoop or rather shade…

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Seems like Disney + wants this to be a show for kids like the original and guess what, LIZZIE IS ALL GROWN UP NOW. She’s in her thirties and there won’t be an entire episode dedicated to her being to embarrassed to ask her mom for a bra (peep my Lizzie blog breaking that down HERE.) So someone who makes content for adults and doesn’t have a back catalogue of Muppet Babies needs to step in toot sweet so we can see Lizzie McGuire adult edition and there BETTER be a reference to her singing at the Colosseum with Paolo.

lizzie5. Be More Like Gaga.

This article (Click HERE for full article) is getting buzz and being tossed around the web lately. Basically a regular gal found out via social media (of course) that her ex boyfriend of 7 years is Lady Gaga’s new piece of the moment. She talks through the emotions we all go through of stalking your ex on social media and seeing who they move on with, comparing yourself, being a jelly belly or feeling threatened, etc. And she’s all HOW DO I COMPARE TO LADY GAGA?! Well for one thing, I bet you can’t take the word shallow and make it 12 syllables, but I digress… She then used this discovery to motivate her to live a cooler life and never say no to anything and just try to be a baller like Gaga is. And you know what? That’s more mature than I will ever be. Not only would I torture myself and nitpick all of the things my ex boyf who is dating a famous popstar is now doing, I would also try to make my life look cooler and that’s just petty human nature. Props to this girl for rising above it but her buying an expensive designer dress and getting a blowout because it’s what Lady Gaga would do just doesn’t cut it for me. Some of us don’t have the funds to live life like Gagz and we will instead just sit in our own bitterness refreshing Instagram to see what Gaga is doing with our ex boyfriend at 30 minute intervals every day. Also based on the fact that Gaga is engaged to a new man every few years, there’s really nothing to worry about here. Ya gurl Lindsay will realize the year of YES might only last 8 months. Double also, LG is really making news this week because after this article came out, she dropped her first single in 3 years. QUICK, LINDSAY, DYE YOUR HAIR PINK. Full disclosure, I didn’t listen to one second of this song so if it blows real hard, don’t @ me.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of February 3, 2020

1. Feel Good Friday.

It’s very rare of me to highlight a non-celebrity warm and fuzzy but this one was all the buzz this week and ties into the pop culture world because Jennifer Garner, who has created quite an Insta presence for herself, was commenting all over this, eating this shit right up. And if Jen loves it, we all love it. Humans of NY is an account that highlights regular ass people just trollin around that big, dirty city and gives us their usually heart-warming story. This one was a real nail-biter and had to be delivered in 11 parts. (Click on the insta name to see full story because I’m not about to be posting 11 instas in this blog) In summary, Cheryl and Bobby were married for 40 years, had four children together and the entire time Cheryl had no clue that Bobby was really Walter and a fugitive of the law. NBD. Cheryl loves Bobby anyway and forgave him, teaching us all a very important lesson: there are few Cheryls in this world and you better snatch that shit up and lock her down because anyone who stands by her mans after finding out he is LITERALLY a different person is the true definition of a ride or die. Or, in the words of Jennifer Garner “Cheryl is the American Wife. I can’t even take it.”

2. Surprise Baby.

One Tree Hill’s very own Chris Keller and The Secret Life of the American Teenager’s very own Grace had a surprise baby. At first I was like WHAT THE HELL she’s been posting and she never once looked pregnant how did she keep this under wraps?! Then I realized that when you’re a D list celebrity doing hallmark movies, it’s really very quite simple to hide a pregnancy. I learned this when I saw a headline that said Tyler Hilton and Megan Park are actually married. And I laughed so hard. Favorite part about the ole celebrity surprise baby…no one even knew these two were married and they have been since 2015 lololololol. CONGRATS ON YOUR BABY AND MARRIAGE, GUYS!!!

3. Barf All Over Me.

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I’m not even a little bit exaggerating when I say that I blew chunks all over my keyboard as soon as I feasted my eyes upon this travesty. I’ve shaded Post Malone a whole lot because I genuinely don’t get everyone’s fascination with him. He looks like he needs 100 showers and smells like a bong and is COVERED in tattoos and he basically just auto-tune sings about partying or being single. Syracuse likes to claim Posty as their own because he was born here even though he moved away before he was 10. SO that’s already embarrassing. And then on top of that everything that he does everyone is like OMG POST MALONE IS SO COOL AND HILARIOUS AND TALENTED. Well guess what. HE NOW HAS A BLOODY SAW ON HIS CHEEK. I had to choke back vomit actually typing that. Catchy music or not, I’m out on the face tat game, ESPECIALLY ones with DRIPPING. BLOOD.

4. Jacob in the Kissing Booth with Zendaya.

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Remember when I watched the Kissing Booth 900 times in one summer and wouldn’t stop talking about it to everyone I knew? Refresh your memory HERE . Most of the reason I loved it so much was because babe soda Jacob Elordi was dating Joey King IRL and it was such a precious love story. Obviously as adorable love stories do, that died real quick and I vowed to never watch the Kissing Booth sequel because obviously they would break up in the movie as well and I can’t handle anymore heartbreak. Well now Jacob stars in Euphoria and wouldn’t you know he’s dating his costar from the show, Zendaya. SHOWMANCE WHORE, MUCH?! I guess I’m still a little bitter about Elle and Flynn not making it for the long haul. Either way, what’s hilarious about Zendaya and Jacob dating is that they could not have denied it harder. When asked they were like, we’re just BFF’s, nothin to see here folks! Zendaya even went as far as doubling down that he’s like a brother to her.

Now I don’t have a brother, so please feel free to educate me on this matter, but do brothers and sisters make out on the streets of NYC? You can report back to me on that.

5. Weekend Beatz.

Lots of new music drops today that had my hips a’movin and I felt like why not just share them as a group so you can all groove into the weekend? We’ve got Meek Mill and JT. Never really been a fan of Meek, especially after Drake murdered him in a rap battle. #Neverforget Trigger fingers turn to Twitter fingers. But it’s JT. And apparently he took some time off of cheating on Jess to hit the studio and lay down some soulful croons with a guitar in a shirt that said “Did you miss me?” Uh yeah bitch, we did. Drop a new album, STAT.

Then we’ve got a little country flavor from ya boy Sam Hunt–I use the term country loosely of course because it’s Sam and he likes to insert hip hop flavors.

And last but certainly not least, a little ditty from Niall Horan about the joy of being in a relationship when you can fart in front of each other. Since I love music videos (and being disgusting), and Niall went from being the only 1D member with braces to this babe soda–he deserves his moment to shine.

 

BONUS: Don’t F**k With Cats: Hunting an Internet Killer

I know I’m late to the party because this came out over a month ago but I really didn’t want to ruin my holiday season with murder–just kidding, I was too busy telling anyone who would listen to me that Scott Peterson is innocent to really focus on any other murders at the time. I’m a one murder truther at a time kinda gal. So anyway, since I’ve been plowing through the entire Netflix library at lightning speed lately, I knew that Cats was next on the watch list. I obviously dropped a hint during TV time with the roomies so that I wouldn’t have to watch alone and be scared–there are far too many windows without curtains in my house. And so my dad and I fired it up this week and watched all three parts in one sitting. In the words of John Green (internet murder hunter) HOOOOOOLY SHIT this story was insane. I nearly crapped my pants in the last few minutes when they tie everything together. I will toss in the disclaimer that I don’t advise watching it before bed as I scampered upstairs and asked my parents if I could sleep in their room…but fortunately I did survive the night and now I can obnoxiously push it on everyone who hasn’t watched yet. Also, prepare yourself for someone who spent all of her free time on the internet with a fake name, manhunting a murderer, keeping files and spreadsheets on him and going down google maps streets to find the location of photos–to turn everything on you at the end and tell you that your interest in true crime docs is how murders happen. BOLD. So basically I’m responsible for LOTS of murders according to “Baudi Moovan”. K. Watch at your own risk, I guess.

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