JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/15/2020

1. Another One Bites The Dust.

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*Technically* this news broke last week. And unfortunately for me, my sister scooped me on this while I was out of town. I wasted no time in spinning right around and scooping my bestie. It’s a scoop eat scoop world out there and we’re all just doing anything we can to stay on top. I expect that my bestie then turned to her fiancé and scooped him even though he probably couldn’t care less. Doesn’t matter. Still counts as a scoop. But I got carried away there as I tend to do. The real tragedy here is that quarantine is knocking couples down left and right. Celebs who once relied on spending 99% of their relationship traveling or living separately or constantly busy and unable to spend time together anyway hit a HOARD realization once the world shut down that PERHAPS those factors are what made their relationship work and PERHAPS being around each other all the time has reminded them that they barely tolerate each other. That’s just a shot in the dark as someone who is currently living with her parents who have been married for 38 years today (Happy Anniversary, M&D!) and if they spend too much time in each other’s presence yell at each other for breathing. My mom almost burns the house to the ground anytime my dad eats a banana near her because he chews it so grossly. Facts are facts…people aren’t meant to live inside of each other’s buttholes with no breathers and if you factor in small children on top of that, YOIKES. It’s really no surprise that celeb ‘ships are dropping like flies. Obviously the biggest loss of this particular relationship is that Kelly can no longer call Reba “Mom” and that should really take a lot of content out of the 9 different country music awards that happen annually.

2. J Baby VERY MUCH Confirmed.

EXCLUSIVE: Sophie Turner Shows Off Her Growing Baby Bump While Out with Joe Jonas in Los Angeles.

Back in February it was leaked that Sophie Turner was pregnant but it was never “officially” announced and so if you’ll recall (remind yourself by re-reading HERE) I declared that if this news didn’t end up being the real deal, I’d get a face tat because I prematurely yapped about it before knowing if it was legit or not. Well THIS BEAUTIFUL FACE WILL REMAIN MY MONEY MAKER, CLEAN AS A WHISTLE! THAT IS A PREGNANT ASS WOMAN! VICTORY IS MINE MUAHAHHAHHAHHA. Ok but seriously though why keep it mums? Like if you’re not going to go full Kylie Jenner and go into hiding for an entire year until that baby is born…what’s the idea behind letting other people announce your pregnancy and then just never saying anything about it…but then waltzing around with your very OBVIOUSLY pregnant belly. Kinda a weird move here. Is she creating a diversion so we don’t know that Pri is also pregnant and we’ll have Jonai cousins same day birth (to be documented for Amazon entitled “Happiness Jr.”) Just spitballin here, but since Pri and Nick seem to be total social media whores about all of the things that go on in their life, I doubt they’d be hiding a baybay. PS I was going to get cocky a few weeks ago when the below paparazzi picture was released but it just wasn’t OVERLY preggers to me. Like I’d feel pretty awful if I was like HAHA SHE’S PREGNANT, BITCHES and she just was wearing a baggy black sweatshirt and hadn’t pooped in a couple of days. I’m glad I waited for the real money shot. Feels a lot more satisfying this way.

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3. Showmance.

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cats outta the bag ❤️

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Remember when I did everyone a service and watched all of the new series on Netflix and Hulu just so that I could tell you which ones were garbage and which ones were probably still garbage but addicting as hell? (Catch up HERE if you missed) Outerbanks definitely fell in the latter category. For sure made for teenagers and yet every adult I follow on Twitter got sucked into its treasure hunt Pogue life wormhole. It was so awesomely bad and the center of the cheesiness was John B and Sarah–star crossed lovers. Where Pogues meet Kooks. One was a homeless orphan running from the cops, the other a privileged fancy B living in a mansion with a real doucher for a dad. (No spoilers) Obviously these two couldn’t make out on a boat while the sun set for the show and NOT fall in love IRL. Superfans were already starting to sniff out that they were boning it up so they decided to make it instaG offish. I’m not really shipping these two like many teen hearts are across the world–mostly because I found her SUPER annoying in the show and I found John B super beach babe soda but now that I follow him on Instagram and see what he’s really like, I’m over it. It was really just the waves and the fugitive life that was making his sex appeal boom for me. Now it’s just MEH. So have fun, you two crazy kids. But don’t break up right before you start filming season 2 and force a shitty story line because you can’t be professional and continue to smooch each other. (Lookin’ at you One Tree Hill….the Lucas and Brooke breakup of season 3 after their engagement failed IRL wrecked me.)

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This one

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Also those two Insta’s PERFECTLY describe how boys post pictures vs. how girls post pictures in a relationship. Chase posts a hideous selfie probably not meant for anyone other than them, Madelyn posts an adorbs professional photo of them. Yup..sounds about right. My ex boyf posted a collection of my UGLIEST photos for my birthday one year (after I asked him if he was gonna even give me a social media shoutout for my 28th year) and when I pointed out how ugly I was in all of those photos he laughed. On his birthday I picked model status photos. NBD but the BIGGEST DEAL EVER boys are the worst.

4. CREEP ALERT.

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Chris D’Elia is the latest alleged Hollywood creepster using his fame and celebrity status to lure teens to bang him. And here’s where I’m a little confused. One girl started out the confessions by tweeting the below (click for the whole thread):

And then within the same day, TONS of girls came forward tweeting receipts of their similar experiences. Basically high school or sometimes even middle school girls (WOOF) would reach out to him via social media saying they liked his comedy or telling him he was funny or that they saw him live…whatever. And then he would use them being fans and young dum dums to take advantage of them and demand to meet up for after show BJ’s or a whole other bunch of icky things that a thirty + year old should never be requesting from a teenager who doesn’t even have a drivers license yet. And he would have girls like this in every city as he toured and could just reach out to them for a hookup as he cruised through. I mean there’s literally hundreds of tweets to read through, some actual screenshots from the girl he was texting/messaging/emailing and some just anonymous entries because the girl didn’t want her name out there. There’s really no reason to believe that this many girls would just make this up for attention and yet here’s the statement that ole Chrissy finally released:

“I know I have said and done things that might have offended people during my career, but I have never knowingly pursued any underage women at any point. All of my relationships have been both legal and consensual and I have never met or exchanged any inappropriate photos with the people who have tweeted about me. That being said, I really am truly sorry. I was a dumb guy who ABSOLUTELY let myself get caught up in my lifestyle. That’s MY fault. I own it. I’ve been reflecting on this for some time now and I promise I will continue to do better.”

And this is where my confusion comes into play. After ALL of those confessions, you’re really gonna say Nah, WASN’T ME. wut?!

That’s gotta be one of the WORST official responses to sexual harassment/assault allegations in history. ESPECIALLY in the #MeToo era. And then on top of that to have him play a pedo on the Netflix show “You” and to have SEVERAL soundbytes with jokes about how there isn’t some conspiracy in Hollywood where older guys are banging younger girls. This is fishy as hell and I doubt this shitty statement makes this all just go away so buckle up, Chris. You’re about to get CAAAAAAANCELLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEDDDD.

5. I Said A Bang, Bang, Bangity, Bang.

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I know I need bangs 😜😜 !!!!! Who would have thought bangs could make you look waaaaay younger ?!?! I stopped having bangs in the 3rd grade and I remember like it was yesterday …. it was such a big deal to expose my forehead …. only pretty people in the south could do that and I never felt pretty enough to pull it off. All the beauty pageant girls did it but I never felt beauty pageants were my thing … I had bad teeth and felt like an ugly duckling. I met with a modeling agency but I wasn’t pretty enough so I went home and said, "maybe I can be like the older girls and show my forehead" !!!! I did and it looked sooooo bad but I thought I was gorgeous 🤣 !!!! I think I knew it didn’t look good but I did it because I thought it made me cool …. and I’ve pretty much had it like that ever since !!!! People choose different ways to protect themselves …. when I pull my bangs in front of my head I feel like I’m protected … almost like I’m in 3rd grade again ⭐️💖🌸 !!!

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It was a literal headline this week that Britney Spears got bangs. She debuted them on her Instagram, which is the eighth world wonder. If you ever want to scroll through someone’s insta and feel like you’re losing years on your life, Britney’s is my top suggestion. There are so many trashy nuggets to gain from what she chooses to share with the world and you might wonder aloud more than once, “who is doing wellness checks on her?” Well, I knew that she cut bangs thanks to the People.com article about it, but they didn’t acknowledge the fact that just days before she did the deed, she posted an entire soliloquy about how bangs make her feel pretty because she’s not pretty enough to show off her forehead. She then pulled baby hairs out of her ponytail to mimic bangs for this national declaration. WHAT A TRIP. I don’t think it would hurt for someone to just ask her with prolonged eye contact how she’s doing. Maybe one of her family members? I mean we go from her burning her gym down (and acting ho hum LOL I BURNED MY GYM DOWN about it) to chopping a fringe because her forehead is ugly. Brit…girl…it’s a known warning not to cut bangs after a breakup for a reason. Bangs are ALWAYS a regret. And let me be probably the first but certainly not the last to say WOOF. What is happening here?!

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🌹🌹🌹

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PS as many of you basic bitches know, Teej/Marshalls/Homegoods finally opened back up again this week. Women everywhere who just love a bargain flocked to their doors, my mom being one of them. There’s just a thirst that we all have within us for cheap clothes and shoes that we probably don’t need and it’s been so many months since we’ve been able to drink a tall glass of Maxxinista. I sent my mom out to test the waters and see how things were going (scope out lines and idiot crowds) and report back. Afterward, I made my first Teej trip and gave her strict instructions not to allow me to buy a bunch of stupid shit that I don’t need as I’m trying to save money and she obliged. We walked in and went our separate ways where I proceeded to pull clothes of racks at rapid speed. That’s when I stumbled upon a black graphic tee with a variation of the 2001 “Britney” album cover and my need for pop culture graphic tees TOOK OVER. It was only 8 dollars (on clearance of course) and when I presented all of my things to my mom, I fully expected that to be the first to get bounced as “shit I didn’t need.” But AU CONTRAIR, Cin told me I DID NEED THIS BRITNEY SHIRT. And now I’m the proud owner of a tee that every time I rock, I will shout It’s Britney, Bitch! And that brings me more joy than $8 could ever buy. It’s only slightly concerning that when I brought it home and modeled it for my dad he asked me if those were her new bangs. BRITNEY SPEARS GETTING BANGS WAS SUCH NEWS THAT MY DAD HEARD ABOUT IT. Also, upon my first outing to Dunks in my new tee, a GrubHub driver picking up his order shouted BRITNEY! and when I realized he was talking to me he launched into a full convo about what Britney’s son has been “tweetering.” So basically not only do I look cool as hell in this shirt, it’s also a hot topic for conversation in public. WHAT A FIND.

 

BONUS: Here’s your favorite part of the JUice where I hawk my own TikToks. Unfortunately I have some very solemn news for you all. I’ve regressed on the Tok. While I once was booming with thousands of views, I now REGULARLY post videos that get 0 views. TikTok does not appreciate my brand of comedy and I am incredibly disappointed in them. I’m SORRY I CAN’T DANCE. I’M SORRY I’M NOT THE MOST BOOOOORING PERSON EVER. So watch my Tiktoks if you want. Or keep them at 0 views. WHATEVER. I’m going to keep making them because THEY MAKE ME LAUGH.

@thesaltyju

All it took was three months of wearing loungewear for me to give 0 F’s. #90skids #iloveit #bikeshortsftw #fashion #savedbythebell #fyp

♬ original sound – thesaltyju

And obviously, I can’t talk about my bomb ass new shirt without strutting it, MAMA.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/25/19

1. JoBros Are Back.

No more purity rings for these bros, they’re all spoken for and they do sex now. And what a way to show us all that they do! I mean that scene with Sophie licking her lips at Joe suspended naked from the ceiling? Hot damn! And they’re the only couple that isn’t married! Spicy. I get that they were trying to go for a Taylor Swift in a bath tub full of diamonds or standing on a horse in her yard levels of asshole richness for this video, but I gotta be honest, this doesn’t really seem that far-fetched. I mean they literally just spent a month in India throwing the most lavish wedding celebration ever. I bet they filmed this there too. At like Pri’s family house or something. Also important to note: this video was an open invitation to the gun show, hosted by none other than Nick. Rich or not, Nick would like everyone to know he’s having a steamy affair with lifting weights with the amount he’s been going sleeveless lately. I’m surprised he didn’t pop the top errr fancy patterned trench coat for this formal painted portrait at the end. Cement those swole ‘ceps into history. Anyway, now that I feel like I’ve adequately ripped this vid to shreds, let’s talk about how I don’t hate the song at all and I’ll be turning up to it this weekend. When I have an extra glass of wine before popping in the ole Redbox. THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE IN TOOWNNNNNN. It’s LIT.

2. 90210, Also Back?

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I’d like to say that I got the tip off on this news as my sister sent me the official Fox press release. We’ve got connections. 90210 will be returning with the original cast for what I gathered is going to be a reality/meta experience. Brandon, Kelly, Steve, Donna, David & Andrea will return to a 6 episode event playing themselves basically. Apparently it’ll be inspired by their real lives and relationships and I’m just not sure I can do it. First of all, it’s been 19 years since the OG ended. Name one human who looks the same as they did 19 years ago. Age is a sneaky bitch and she hasn’t been kind to all of these cast members. Not going to name names but you know who you are. Secondly, they did a reboot of 90210 with a younger generation that included Kelly in it and Donna popped in for a few epis and I watched it for any breadcrumb of the old characters they might drop and I was NOT pleased to find out that Donna and David weren’t together anymore. What fresh hell is that? If you do a reboot you keep your core couples together and I won’t hear anything otherwise. Lastly, this may be redundant on my point about age but Luke Perry AKA Dylan just suffered a stroke IRL. Hope he’s ok (T’s and P’s) but also that means Kelly and Dylan will never be together and Luke probably won’t be popping onto the show for some guest appearances. Am I shipping TV couples from the 90’s a little too hard? Probably. Am I still going to watch this show? Obviously. See you this summer.

3. Lady Gaga Fooled Us.

Everyone had their panties in a knot after Gaga & Brad’s Oscars Shallow performance, myself included. They eye boned the shit out of each other then snuggled up at the end for what looked like it was going to be a full tongue kiss, but they decided to leave that for the paying customers. 99% of the tweets I was reading were about poor Irina, sitting front row for this cuck-fest, probably planning for joint custody of their child and mentally dividing their assets. Btw, if we’re taking a stance here, I’m firmly #TeamIrina. Don’t break up a family. Gagz. But alas, there’s no need to worry because Gaga went on Kimmel and was like LOL Fooled y’all! Have you uneducated losers ever heard of ACTING?! They were playing their characters and that seems PRETTY obvious. That wasn’t fresh off a broken engagement Gaga and currently taken with a baby Bradley, that was Ally and Jackson, who are very much in love, doing the duet of a lifetime. And us drooling over their looks and touches just gave them the highest compliment we could’ve. Best acting job of the year. Although, if they were playing their characters why wasn’t Bradley completely trashed? Also, spoiler alert–alive? Hmmmmmm…… Either way, still was the best thing about the Oscars and deserves to be watched over and over again.

 

4. Taylor is V. Active on Insta

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She just read all the theories 🙀

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Many rabid T.Swift fans are predicting a new music drop tomorrow based on what they believe to be sneaky clues via her Insta. Since Taylor has been calculated every single time she posts, this would not be remotely surprising if it were to be true. (Please say it’s true.) Her last three posts are associated with a countdown of sorts. The first one has palm trees signifying how many albums she’s had–separation for pop and country albums. In her video for Look What You Made Me Do, she’s in the background of all her video characters at the end in a palm tree shirt.

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🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

Then she’s sitting on the 6th stair and then there’s five holes in the fence. Honestly the people who sniff this shit out should be full time detectives. Proud of them. I’m just like oh, Taylor’s posting ambiguous shit, wonder what she’s up to. They’re like measuring the circumference of the fence hole and relating it back to a lyric she wrote in 2009.

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💗

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

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💛

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

On the official Taylor Swift calendar, there’s a giant flower on March 2nd. She’s about to be on a magazine cover and she rarely does press unless she’s promoting something.

The list goes on and on. So if the new music happens tomorrow I can say I told you so, otherwise we’ll all just carry on with our lives and let the Swifties continue to dissect everything that she does and entertain me with their crazy theories. Also if this is true, that’s some genius marketing shit right there.

5. TR Play Us Out

I could do my last item about Jordyn Woods going on Jada Pinkett Smith’s FB live show today to say that the only thing she did wrong was go to Tristan Thompson’s house for a party, but he’s the one who no tongue kissed her goodbye. Or the fact that Khloe Kardashian IMMEDIATELY tweeted in response that she’s a dirty liar and is the reason her family is now shattered. OR I could just post Thomas Rhett’s new song and let it play you into the weekend because it’s a beat. Either one works.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of July 23, 2018

I mean it’s not a surprise, every time summer rolls around I stop doing these because the gossip sucks and I’d rather be playing outside than ranting on the internet THEN we hit a big week with lots of headlines and I’m lured back to yap about it. So WE BACK. Let’s talk celeb news.

1. My Girl had a Tough Week. As I’ve publicly declared on this blog one too many times, my obsession with Demi Lovato knows no bounds. So natch I was devastated to hear the news this week that she overdosed and was rushed to the hospital. There’s a lot of sketchy news swirling around what happened, if it was heroin or not but obviously we all knew (I knew it first because I’m one of her closest friends) that she was on a downward spiral recently after admitting to relapsing and releasing a new song called Sober. The real red flag probably should’ve been when she dyed her hair blonde like she’s Kim Kardashian or something, but all jokes aside hopefully she pulls through and can get back on the wagon. I’ve never handled piece of celebrity news more personally like it was my own friend just because I watched a documentary on her and that probably is cause for concern but I DON’T CARE. TEAM DEMI. YOU GOT THIS, GRL. (At least I’m not diehard enough to gather a group and sing at her concert spot. Little pitchy, dawgs.)

 

2. Another five minute engagement.

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Seriously, what the F. What is in the water that every young dum dum with some money in their bank account needs to get engaged a few months into their relationship? Is this the new trend? You know how they say deaths come in threes? Well apparently now premature engagements that have no shot of working out come in threes. Congrats to you two. See you back on here in a few months, no more than a year for your breakup news on the Weekly JUice. Also she’s 36 and he’s 25. Double also, he apparently shut down Tiffany’s to propose. Way to show your age by stealing a move from a rom com that you probably watched when you were 14. If you recall, it didn’t work out for Patrick Dempsey either. TRIPLE also, to make me further want to stab my eyes out, People.com has already written an article about if Meghan and Harry will attend the wedding. FIND YOUR CHILL WITH MEGHAN MARKLE, PEOPLE. No less than 4 headlines a day about her right down to the shoes she wore to a polo match. SHE’S PERFECT. WE GET IT! RANT. OVER.

3. A baby Buble.

Obviously I don’t speak spanish but I DO KNOW that the Bubbles had a baby girl, name not announced yet for me to make fun of. And now that he has three healthy kiddies, fingers crossed he make a comeback on the music scene REAL QUICK. I mean his family’s too stinkin cute, but it’s time for more music.

4. Jenna Dewan bounces BACK. NEKKID. 

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Ever since the announcement of her and Channing’s split, JD’s been pretty saucy on social media so I didn’t even bat an eye at a nude shoot. Girl’s got a bod and she just wants the world to know she’s back on the market. I respect that. Channing’s off doing outdoor activities and art days with their daughter and Jenna’s like check out my curves, yo. Also not for nothing, but opening up an article with, “First things first: Jenna Dewan smells great” is weird as shit. Read the full article here and peep her nudies below.

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5. HOLY BALLS.

I know I just slobbered all over Jenna and her nudes but jeeeeeeeze. Oh hey it’s my birthday here’s my six back and rockin bod. BYEEEEE. You win, JLo, you always will. Also I can’t stop laughing at ARod’s crotchety squint even though he’s wearing what look like female shades and hiding in the back because his dad bod doesn’t hold a candle to his lady’s abs. CRUSHED IT.

PS Unrelated but kind of related I ate cheese fries and fried dough last night for dinner and will 100% be eating pizza tonight. So you see I drool because I will never have the dedication that I’m sure these ladies have to put down the cheese and hit the gym. All the more reason to respect tha hell out of them.

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