JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/20/2020

1. Stop Coming @ Tay.

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Between Kimmy K, Ye & Scoot Scoot, everyone needs to CTFD and stop coming @ Tay during a national pandemic because girl ain’t afraid to clap back anymore. I mean she literally just hit ’em with the crying laughing face emoji. WHAT a boom roast. Not only did she just publicly say that they’re broke AF for buying her music, she also pointed out an UNGODLY amount of money when the world is burning and the economy is crashing. She knows how outright douchey it makes them look to be already rich humans looking to make a profit in a time when everyone and their mother is donating to charity and those who actually need help right now. Tay herself was paying off people’s debts. BTW, if you stumble upon this post, grl, I have school loans coming out the bhole and I’ve been your ride or die since 2009. Either way, unless you want egg on your face or more importantly, to be internet “cancelled”, take a beat and stop taking shots at the Queen, who just last week performed a very personal and emotional song on the One World Together At Home charity concert. Something that actually matters.

2. I Am A Global Citizen.

I wasn’t going to blog about this but then I just posted Tay’s performance and there’s not much going on this week so WHY NOT?! Saturday night was the Lady Gaga organized musical benefit show on TV and basically every streaming/social media platform. It was impossible to miss it. I consider myself a global citizen just for watching, when in reality, it was filling my insatiable need for awards shows and I was able to critique each performance from my couch, a true joy of mine. Also, I didn’t feel guilty about not donating because they weren’t asking for donations, the Rockefeller fam funded the whole thing basically. Win, win. There were a number of baller performances but my all-time favorite was the capri-wearing Keith trio (see above.) Great, upbeat tune and a three-for-one special on Keith. My sister and I bopped along and tried way too hard to find out how the hell he did it, 100% sounding like ignorant dummies in the process. Speaking of ignorant dummies, another highlight of being a global citizen is that everyone on the internet got mad at me and I have a bone to pick with them. I had SEVERAL funny tweets about the show, but the one that caught the most attention was this one during the Rolling Stones performance:

Each Stone rocked out separately and upon further inspection, my sister and I noticed that the drummer was in fact air drumming. Not having a deep knowledge on the members of the Rolling Stones and seeing that this gent was incredibly old (and might need a wellness check), my first assumption was that for charity, they let some super-fan gramps pop in and pretend to be the drummer for the evening. And he was having a ball hitting that imaginary high hat, which made me happy and was highly entertaining. Apparently the diehard rock fans DID NOT LIKE MY JOY.

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Well, Proud Member of Cult45*thanks@catturd2: if Charlie IS the Stones drummer why doesn’t he HAVE a drum set? ANSWER ME THAT. Seriously though if you spend your free time yelling at people online for not knowing the name of an almost 80 year old drummer, you probably, most definitely, have poop in your pants. WAKE UP!

3. Robin Sparkles is Back.

 

In another week of so much instagram live content, I can’t possibly keep up–Jake Johnson and Cobie Smulders got together for a friend hang on Vulture’s instagram. It was pretty long and they didn’t really know what to talk about but this little gem shined through. The people wanted a little taste of “Let’s Go to the Mall” and after some cheering from Jake, Cobie delivered a lick. I can always appreciate a throwback to Robin Sparkles because it was Robin’s only funny storyline in the entire series of How I Met Your Mother and rhyming Tori with Sorry is a fun way to laugh at our Canadian friends without directly telling them they talk funny. Please enjoy the song in full below, in addition to Robin’s more diverse, heartbreak ballad. As well as her quick foray into punk with Robin Daggers.

4. HOPEFULLY A REAL REUNION!

Hey cast of Friends, THIS is a reunion. It’s a new episode of Parks and Rec coming at us next Thursday and I’m REAAAALLLLYYYYYY holding out hope that this is a reunion that can be done right. I want all of the stupid Tom Haverford abbrevs, I want TREAT YO’SELFFFFFFF, I want Leslie showering Ann with borderline lesbian compliments, and most of all… I NEEEEEEED the return of Jean-Ralphio, one of the best characters to ever have been written and the sole reason that I can’t say anything is the worst without singing it in three parts.

5. Things That Gave Me the Uncomfies.

With people being confined to their homes, these JUices are getting harder and harder to make each week and there’s only so many dance videos I can produce with my madd skillz to be able to fill up the five headline slots. Instead, here’s a few things that caught my attention this week but not enough to have their own headline. Here’s numero uno:

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WHY. Why is that a thing we need to know?! Kate & Goldie were chosen for the cover of People’s Beautiful Issue. That’s great. I love them both, I want to be a part of their family because they seem fun and chill as hell–also they’re loaded and Hollywood royalty, but that’s neither here nor there. I listen to Kate and Oliver’s podcast and think they’re funny and I’m happy to read any articles about this fam but I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT KATE TALKS TO HER MOM ABOUT HER SEX LIFE. Nope, no thank you. That is not something to envy. I’m cool beans about not having sex chitchats with my mom. Next up…our latest celeb to join TikTok:

This didn’t really make me uncomfy, more like supes jelly. Jenna Dewan had a baby no more than five minutes ago, cut the umbilical cord, popped on a cropped sweatsuit and danced professionally directly in our faces. It’s just not fair. She has a flatter stomach than me after just housing a child and was just like ho hum I guess I’ll hop on this app and show everyone how it’s done, effortlessly. It’s not like the average TikTok user is an out of shape, non-pro dancer who spends hours learning a simple 12 second routine or ANYTHING. EYE.ROLL. Petition to ban the pros from tokking starts now. Signatures welcome.

And finally, here’s some fun new country songs to play us into the weekend in the hopes that it will stop F**KING SNOWING and the sun will hear these nonsense feel-good songs about drinking outside and come out and plaaayyyyyyyyyyy. If not just hit play inside and drink a marg while you watch the snow fall. We all have coping mechanisms. Do what you need to do, yo.

 

BONUS:The cast of Friday Night Lights waited until after I posted this week’s JUice to release their hangout for Global Citizen. Some of the cast (notably missing: Tami Tay, Coach & Riggs) got together to watch the pilot for the first time in fifteen years. I’ll spare you the hour-long livestream of a group of people who clearly aren’t close friends and v. awkward zoom conference call interactions and just give you this little visual treat :

Buddy Garrity, WOOOOOOOOOOOOF. Texas forever, tho.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/9/17

 1. BYE Biebs.

*PREMIUM EXCLUSIVE* Hot New Couple  Selena Gomez and The Weeknd Can't hide their love

Selena is back in a BIG way. First she’s smooching all up on The Weeknd. Props to her for swooping in AFTER he cut that ridiculous cartoon hairstyle he was rocking for far too long. To be honest I wasn’t really that shocked about this celeb couple news because it’s probably mostly her way to show Biebz that she’s upgrading from a whiny bitch who hates his fans to a smooth R&B sex machine. Bella Hadid unfollowed her on Instagram, because duh, that’s what you do when someone in your Hollywood squad starts banging your ex-boyfriend. Well that, and take a bunch of bathing suit selfies.

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BUT THEN, she drops this in our grillpieces and now I’m like oh shittttt SELENASSSSSSS!

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Ignore the cr33pster intensely taking a naked girls’ picture through the mirror and just feast your eyes on dat ass. Suck on it, JB. Nice try, Bella. The bigger the hoop….

2. Lick.

Joe Jonas did a Guess campaign and oiled up his abs for it. Nuff said. Sick enhancement in the shot with your grey undies though. Definitely didn’t immediately notice that.

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And since Nick is my favorite. Let’s do a little compare/contrast of when he did Calvin Klein:

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Backwards hat and cocky D grab always wins and that’s obvious.

3. Closer 2.0.

Those dirty frat bruhs known as The Chainsmokers just dropped their follow-up to Closer. Kneejerk reaction: I’ll listen to it but there’s no comparison. Hard to follow up that heater when it literally still brings the house down every time it’s played. Don’t talk smack about it though because they’ll come AFTER you. Their music is the GREATEST OF ALL TIME.

4. Brooke Davis is gonna change the world someday.

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Every once in a while I like to give a little update to my fellow OTH fans. This week Sophia Bush finally broke her silence on her casual marriage to CMM when she was like, 21 in a personal essay for Cosmo. In true Sophia raspy voiced goddess fashion, she got real deep and metaphorical. Without naming the Chadster, she talked about how she was so young and thought because he was asking her, they should get married. Then she drops some truth bombs about how the right relationships find you and honestly I feel like a new woman after reading it. If you want to hear her preach, click here to read and learn all about how to stop looking for “the one”. Because it’s unrealistic to think the guy you went to high school with is who you want standing next to you when all your dreams come true.

5. Landry snags another babe.

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Yeah, Riggins was the sexiest bad boy in Dillon, and Saracen had the heart of gold, but apparently Landry scoops up all the chicks. How they ever put him with Tyra is beyond me but like clearly life imitates art because he’s now engaged to Kirsten Dunst. Also it’s laugh out loud funny that gossip sites were reporting the engagement with his character’s name. No need to know his real name because he is Landry for life and he’ll probably perform with Crucifictorious at the wedding.

BONUS: T dropped a little teaser action for Z’s birthday yesterday. This video can’t come soon enough.

The track list for the fifty shades soundtrack was also released and it’s STACKED. Not afraid to say it’s going to be better than the actual movie.

Happy Birthday Liam ❤

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PS People.com coming in thirsty AF.

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Television

Emmys 2016 Recap

I missed the monologue (edit: then found it online and was immediately swayed to call at least one person a sneaky little crumpet-muncher this week) but I’m willing to give Jimmy Kimmel my stamp of approval as host because he’s pretty damn likeable and 90% of his jokes landed throughout the show. Even a Bill Cosby reference. Plus, his beef with Matt Damon should be old at this point but they found a way to keep it fresh. Also, he’s not Andy Samberg, who literally buzzkilled real hard last year. And that’s saying a lot since my power went out mid-show and I still missed half of his bits. Anyway, since my TV consumption pretty much begins and ends with trash, I don’t have a lot of knowledge of the nominees (except for People vs. OJ..prayers up that I watched something of “value” this year) but I do have a lot of snarky comments and here’s a brief recap of the 10 best things about the kickoff to the most wonderful time of the year—awards season.

1. Food jokes part 3. By law, there must always be a food bit at awards shows because Hollywood as a group, doesn’t eat. If you’ll recall we’ve already had pizzas delivered via Ellen at the Oscars and then a follow-up of girl scout cookies with Chris Rock. Kimmel went for a more traditional route by having his mom make everyone PB&J’s and I didn’t hate it. Mostly it just made me salivate for one, cut diagonally of course. Cin, could you whip one up and overnight it? Everyone knows a PB&J doesn’t taste good unless your mom has made it with love. It was a nice touch that Mrs. Kimmel also included a personal note in each sack lunch. I officially rank this bit above the girl scout cookies but will never hold a candle to A list celebs shoving a cheese slice in their pizza hole in evening wear.

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1a. JUice’s take on the Juice. As a part of this brown baggin it sketch, Jimmy also handed out juiceboxes and as an eternal fan of Ross’s tireless repeating of “Uncle Juice” for the entire season of The People vs. OJ, he fully deserved to be roasted via actual juicebox.

2. Claire Danes took a trip to the actual sun for tonight’s look. Unfortunately I missed Claire walking the red carpet but I can only hope that one of the interviewers asked her where she got her “glow” and then quickly answered for her “THE SUN?!”, Chandler Bing style. Wooooooooof to that spray tan girl. Double woof to an actual headline that I saw calling it a glow. That ain’t a glow. That’s toeing the line with blackface.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

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3. John Mayer’s guitar face wins all the Emmy’s. If you’ve ever been a fan of J.May you know that he has an all-time guitar stank face. Since he’s decided to become an official deadhead and tour the country jam-band style instead of making new bangerz, I’ve really missed that pinched look gracing my TV. It was a wonderful surprise to see it before commercial breaks. The only thing that was missing was a T. Swizzy audience dance-fest cutaway. (Could’ve really used this for Hiddleston’s entrance as well…just sayin the Emmy’s was missing drama.) PS I don’t count moving the camera from Hiddleston to Mayer as drama. Stop being so immature, Emmys.

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4. Comedy females crushed the genuine. Kate McKinnon won supporting actress for SNL and Julia Louis-Dreyfus won lead actress for Veep. Both ladies owned the acceptance speech. Kate brought the tears but wanted to clarify that they were real, which is important to know coming from a sketch actress. Julia apologized for creating an environment where it’s ok for politics to be a big ole joke but then it got real dusty in here when she talked about her dad dying a few days ago. We should all thank our parents for actually liking us because I imagine that can be difficult sometimes. (90% of the time, for me.)

5. KYLE CHANDLER, YAAASSSSSSS. Coach presents an award for something that I immediately ignored because I was busy slobbering all over how good he looked onstage. Clear eyes, full hearts, Kyle Chandler doesn’t age. Then Kit Harington and Andy Samberg do a bit about kissing him and he gets a second moment to shine. Obviously I would give Kyle Chandler a million kisses but I’ll also throw a smooch to whoever wrote him into the show this much. It was needed.

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Reunited. #Emmys #fnl #blurry

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And not for nothing but I would also give all the kisses to Kit Harington as well. Swoon city.

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6. Matt Damon makes me want to start snacking healthy again. Damon continues his beef with Kimmel by strolling onstage post-lose and showing that he actually can be hilarious…and also that he’s the most graceful apple eater on this earth. Seriously, when I bite into an apple one would think a horse has gotten loose with the chomping and apple spray that ensues. Matt managed to chew like a hot piece while simultaneously roasting Jimmy and I’m proud of him for it.

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7. Queen B lost, but Hova won. Lemonade didn’t win (middle fingers up) but Jay-Z got to write the COOLEST line a guy could give to his lady via acceptance speech. Sterling K. Brown of People vs. OJ won, and confidently closed his speech with the lyric “I got the hottest chick in the game rocking my chain.” So, like, he got laid last night.

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Seriously, it’s goals on goals to be called out like that. Then Courtney B. Vance tried to get all up on that, copycat style. And then a white guy ruined it later on…Typs.

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8. Ryan Murphy Isn’t God. Even though I was proud to have actually watched a show that won shit, I would never go so far as to say that the People vs OJ was the best show on TV this year. Either way, the actors in it snag all the awards but then when the series wins, they’re played off the second they touch the mic. To be clear, everyone and their mother talked over the music until it stopped and yet the entire cast of this show was like eh, ok and just let the insulting premature strings send them packing. Should’ve taken some notes from Aziz Ansari who got played off then doubled back once he got the mic again and gave his acceptance speech. Play by your own rules People vs. OJ. Bunch of squares.

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9. Tori Kelly slays. Her acoustic version of “Hallelujah”gave me all the feels for the “insert celebrity name died this year, really?” portion of the show.

10. Byebyebyebyebyebyebyeeee. The final acceptance speech via the cast/crew of Game of Thrones ended with a stony-faced “bye bye” from a writer(?) possibly director or producer(?). Listen, I don’t know a damn thing about Game of Thrones other than that everyone watches it and there’s a lot of sex and murder but the biggest takeaway is that Bye Bye is SUPER weird unless you’re a marionette and you’re tacking on another bye. This might be all I remember from the 2016 Emmy’s and I respect this guy for it.

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Bonus: As election season coincides with awards season, we should all get reaaalll used to the fact that all of Hollywood is “with her.” And the correlating jokes are about to get exhausting.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/14/15

HEAVY video week. Hope you have headphones at work 🙂

1. Fuller House Sets the date!

After teasing at this show for months and months salivating over what characters would come back and where to set our expectations…we finally have a short trailer and release date. Look, I went into this reallllll nervous with PTSD flashbacks to the Boy Meets World-Girl Meets World transition. But Netflix knew that. And so they tugged right at my heart strings with the Miranda Lambert song and flashes of the iconic house. There’s even a Comet 2.0. Now I’m amped. February 26th can’t come soon enough. (If you want to get even more excited, check out my blog about what characters NEED to come back HERE.)

2. 1D Gives us 1LastGift. 

Before going on hiatus for (ever?) a while… 1D gives us the gift that keeps on giving here. Everyone who reads my blog knows that James Corden could do carpool karaoke with a rock and it would be my favorite thing ever made. Obviously he’s been trying to squeeze his way into the band for some time now and this was no different. Props for his rap segment. Also sucks to suck for the double L sandwich in the backseat. With the amount of greasy hair flipping that Harry did in addition to wailing every high note I’m gonna guess it’s not gr8 to be roadtrip buddies with him. Harry rides bitch like nobody else. Ain’t nobody gonna stop him from shining.

3. Jason Derulo is Magic Mike.

I know that music videos aren’t that hip anymore and not a lot of people like watching them but if you don’t watch 30 seconds of this and walk away impressed by Jason’s dance swag then we can’t be friends. I saw him live this summer (fo free, yasss) and he put on a SHOW. He didn’t stop moving the entire concert and it was beyond impressive. It didn’t hurt that he took his shirt off and flaunted those washboard abs either but whatevs. That’s why he’s Magic Mike IRL. I can always appreciate a fresh dancer because my moves begin and end with a side step and a head bop.

4. Will Ferrell as New Santa.

It’s been a while since we’ve had a Fallon clip on the JUice and it seemed right this week. Will Ferrell is constantly popping up on the show in weird costumes and doing random bits but this one made me giggle a little. As a “modern” santa (that gives off Guy Fieri vibes), Will talks about his love of Smashmouth while he fires off a t-shirt gun. Oh Santa, you’re such a bruh.

5. WOOK AT DA WITTLE BABIES.

A normal Friday Night Lights throwback pic is the best of the best. An FNL throwback pic where Riggins is wearing a silk shirt haphazardly buttoned? Game changer.

BONUS: Merry Christmas from the most beautiful Royals ever to exist.

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 Have a nice weekend. Something, something, May The Force Be With You…

JK go see Sisters this weekend.

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/23/15

1. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Sing.

It has been announced that Friday Night Lights will go the musical way much like The OC and Cruel Intentions AND Scott Porter will play Coach Taylor. No. Thank. You. Look, FNL is the stuff. It’s the greatest show ever made and Coach Taylor is the best football coach in the world. WE DON’T NEED TO SING ABOUT IT. I have a low tolerance for breaking into song mid-sentence and I’m not seeing how a show that featured roughly 2 songs the entire series could ever make song and dance believable in the story line. ALSO Kyle Chandler is Coach Taylor and Coach Taylor is Kyle Chandler. No one else should ever utter that famous phrase, regardless of if they’re a Dillon insider or not.

2. Grease Live first peek.

I realize the contradiction of shitting all over a musical above and then hyping this one but Grease is a STAPLE. How else are girls going to learn that wearing leather pants and red lipstick while smoking a ciggy will ALWAYS get you yo man? Anyway, the cast looks gr8. I mean Julianne Hough is pretty much perfect for Sandy. Even Vanessa Hudgens surprised me as Rizzo. There’s a strong possibility that I watch this to see how it plays out chemistry-wise. Here they are hand jivin it up to get you on board.

3. Magic Mike Wedding.

Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello got hitched last weekend and in a surprising move, Sofia posted all wedding photos on her personal Instagram. Boss move by her to be like hey it’s my wedding and I’ll do what I damn please with the pics. She obviously looked bangin body-wise but I’m not fully understanding the concept of the wings on each side of her dress. Anyway, I can only assume that there was PLENTY of stripping between her hubs and Channing and I’ll just let that fantasy play out in my mind a little further if you’ll excuse me.

 

4. Little Saylor Girl.

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SAYLOR. JAMES. KRISTIN’S NOT EVEN REAL HOLLYWOOD AND SHE JUST DROPPED THAT HOLLYWOOD NAME. Don’t worry Bristol Palin also called dibs on it and needed to make it clear that she picked it first and isn’t a total poser. K, Bristol. Thanks so much.

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5. Hello…

Because you can’t go five minutes without hearing Adele and also because my family made it a new tradition yesterday to just keep whispering Hello….over and over again. Here’s the British powerhouse with her classroom toys version on Jimmy Fallon.

BONUS: TIS THE SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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Pop Culture, Television

Tim Riggins for the NFL

5 Reasons Why Riggins Would Be the Best Player in the League

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It’s football season again and every year when social media turns into fantasy picks and game commentary, I have a sudden urge to restart Friday Night Lights because I would rather watch Riggins get hammered and tackle the shit out of some high school players than watch real life professional players in our country’s most beloved sport. But whatever, I think choosing FNL over football makes me more patriotic. If Riggs were in the NFL I would probably play closer attention and here’s why I think he would be GREAT as a professional footballer (dare I say, even better than Tom Brady?) It’s a good thing I don’t live in Boston anymore…

PS for the sake of selling the best version of Riggs, we’re gonna go ahead and gloss right over his criminal history.

1. Parties hard, plays hard. There is rarely a time when Riggins is not holding a beer, or fiercely hungover and yet he’s one of the finest athletes on the Dillon Panthers. Could his drinking habits at the age of 17 be seen as alcoholism? Possibly. But Riggs is more of a get home from a long hard day and crack a beer kind of guy rather than funneling before school every morning, so it’s more fun, less debilitating. There’s a lot of guys in the NFL who blow money on booze and drugs to celebrate their cool life, but a lot of them also end up in rehab or fired, Riggs has it under control. He suits up on game day and then hits Smittys or The Landing Strip with the boys to wind down. Even the rally girls know what’s good when they hand him a six pack as a pre-game ritual, instead of baked goods.

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2. Loyal to his home state. Tim Riggins IS Texas. All he wants for his life is a piece of land and a good bar to rest his head. Professional athletes get traded or offered a bigger salary to change teams but Riggs would never leave Texas and let down his fans (cough, cough Lebron). Say it with me now…Texas Forever.

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3. Charismatic. Look, Tim’s not the sharpest tool in the shed…I guess that’s what tends to happen when you have rally girls do your homework and you take Wednesdays off from school. What he lacks in book smarts (The Scarlett Letter), he makes up for in personality. Riggs is the life of the party and a true entertainer. He could use a little work on his stand up material–i.e. “How about Saracen sleeping with the Coach’s daugher?”–but you can’t tell me that he wouldn’t be riveting in post-game interviews or team press conferences. He wouldn’t show up just so he didn’t get fined…he would put on a show. Can you name anyone else who would tell the school that he’s pregnant and needs a couple of days to relax so he can flip a house with his buddies? Bonus points for creativity.

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4. Not a Narc. As a captain of the Dillon Panthers, Riggins was a natural leader. He knew how to motivate his teammates on the field, but also how to get them laid—I’m lookin at you JD. Part of being a team player is not pointing the finger when someone sucks. I think Riggins learned a little bit about that when he oh so casually went to prison for Billy. What a rough time for Tim and his usually luscious locks…but just goes to show how he would rather be locked up than rat on someone, if there were to be say, I don’t know, a cheating scandal in the NFL.

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5. Mentor. Under that rough around the edges, boozy playboy exterior is a real heart of gold. Riggins is good with kids and acted as a big brother to that little shit Bo who lived next door. He taught him how to defend himself and how to play football, making him a shoe-in for training camps and charity work in the NFL. Tim also helped out with demon child Gracie Bell when he lived with the Taylors and any interaction with that creature deserves a gold medal. After doing time, he was Uncle Riggs to baby Stevie and it just melted my icy cold heart.

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*BONUS* Have you seen him? I get that the NFL is not a modeling agency but it doesn’t hurt, right Eric Decker? I never thought I could be attracted to a man with hair the same length as mine until I laid eyes on Tim Riggins. His flowing lettuce and perfect smile reel in the ladies and I think he would do just fine in sponsorships and product endorsements. Not to mention the bad boy appeal. No more Tom Brady for Uggs…it should be Tim Riggins for Stetson–shirt very optional.

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So whatdya say, NFL? Let’s make some memories with Tim Riggins. No regrets.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/29/15

1. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are crushing my dreams. Obviously, it is with a heavy heart that I relay to you the biggest piece of JUice from this week. One of my favorite celebrity couples (as seen in my Top Ten Celebrity Couples Blog, shameless plug) has decided to end their 10 year relationship and I think I am taking it harder than their own children are. The rumors were swirling for months but I refused to believe that garbage until finally the statement was released this week and I was forced to face the music. The most down to earth, cool, casj couple of Hollywood with three cute little nuggets are divorcing. I’m still mourning this and all that I ask is that you please respect my privacy during this difficult time. They asked the same, and obviously Hollywood has graciously backed off…Just kidding, they literally could not be MORE up in their shit.

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2. The Relationship Gods try to soothe my pain.

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As a beautiful couple is shattered, a new one is born, and that is the circle of life. It is rumored that True Detective co-stars Taylor Kitsch & Rachel McAdams are dating and I support this wholeheartedly. Rachel McAdams is my #2 les crush (after Blake Lively) and we all know what a special place Riggs holds in my heart. Even though I will probably never be over the dismantling of Ryan Gosling & Rachel McAdams, Riggins is a WORTHY runner up to Gosling and I can only hope that they procreate. Also if this rumor ISN’T true, I will probably cry myself to sleep, nbd but HBD.

3. The OC is going to be a musical. Obviously The OC was a top notch show but quick thought…do we REALLY want a fabulous show with all it’s sarcastic and beautiful california people glory to be reincarnated in song? The answer of course, is no. I hope that this idea is squashed right quick but unfortunately I don’t think it will be…considering Autumn Reeser AKA Taylor AKA Coop’s replacement for Ryan will be playing Julie Cooper in musical form.

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4. Vanessa Bayer crushes a Rachel Green impression. Vanessa apparently is trying some new material, her impressions of everyone else on Friends were subpar but the Rachel Green was creepy accurate. This is for all the Friends superfans out there who yearn for a reunion, maybe Vanessa can do a one woman show if she works on her other characters a bit.

5. In the land of sequels, My Big Fat Greek Wedding makes its 2.0. And here’s a sneak peek of what to expect:

The first film was made 13 years ago…maybe we shouldn’t have waited so long for the sequel? Joey Fatone, YIKES. On the other hand…we’re going to get a little bit of this…which I always support:

In honor of America’s birthday…

A musical snack for your ears while you stuff your face with wieners, watermelon, pasta salad and Budweiser (just me? Oh ok..)-

Happy 4th! ‘MURRRICA.

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Television

TV DILFS

I’m extending Father’s Day celebrations by a day so that we can properly commemorate the hottest dads that have graced our TVs. These fictional dads have made raising kids (woof) sexy and cool AF. Feast your eyes upon the top TV DILFS.

10. Deacon Claybourne- Nashville

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Although it came as a casual surprise to Deacon about 14 years after the fact that he was a dad, he has taken the job in stride (after the initial almost killing Rayna incident, oopsie.) His boozin past makes him edgy and mysterious while his parenting technique is singing duets.

Best Dad Moment: Bursting in on Maddie’s afternoon delight with her boyfriend Colt and recruiting Juliette to have the sex talk with her because it gives him the uncomfies.

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9. Rufus Humphrey- Gossip Girl

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Rufus had some glory days with his 90’s band Lincoln Hawk that quickly turned into being a single dad to the poorest kids on the Upper East Side. He doesn’t let that stand in the way of snagging former lover/rich bitch Lily van der Woodsen.

Best Dad Moment: Encouraging Dan to boink Serena. Also putting up with little miss trainwreck Jenny, which deserves all the awards.

8. Phil Dunphy- Modern Family

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Phil may be a little on the flamboyant side (see: his college cheerleading career) but his killer sense of humor and ability to memorize the dance moves to High School Musical are what makes him sexy.

Best Dad Moments: When he taught Alex about the powers of Jagermeister, shot Luke with a bebe gun and made his own shirt to move Haley into college.

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7. Dr. Derek Shepard- Grey’s Anatomy

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May he rest in peace, McDreamy had a way of piercing you with his blue eyes and then saving people’s lives, NBD but HBD. Though I can’t pinpoint a whole lot of fathering, he is eye candy and that’s all that matters. (Gone too soon.)

Best Dad Moment: Perching a tiara atop that head of lettuce and having tea with Zola.

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6. Elliot Stabler- Law & Order SVU

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Stabler investigates brutal rapes and murders from 9-5 but then goes home and is dad AF to his five(?) kids. He’s protective and brooding and one HOT STUFF law enforcer.

Best Dad Moment: Anytime he gets aggressive with someone he’s interrogating. Oh sorry, I got distracted…ummm probably when he burned his daughter Kathleen’s license so she’d stop getting DUI’s.

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5. Christopher Hayden- Gilmore Girls

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Technically Christopher was a shitty father for all of Rory’s childhood but have you seen him? Swoooon. He comes back into her life when he gets sneaky rich and then gets another shot at dad when he has little demon Gigi.

Best Dad Moment: When he gives Gigi whatever she wants to make her stop screaming like a devil child. Forever the bad boy dad.

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4. Jim Halpert- The Office

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Jim is probably the most romantic guy ever in TV history (bold statement, I stand by it) and also happens to have a killer sense of humor, as displayed in his life’s work to prank Dwight. Plus he has a great range of funny faces, which probably makes him a gr8 dad.

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Best Dad Moment: Finally succumbing to Halloween and doing a family costume.

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3. Jesse Katsopolis- Full House

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Our third and final rockstar dad, Jesse can command a stage with the Rippers, has iconic luscious locks and is a bonafide lady killer. When he finds out he’s having twins he loses his shit but once they’re born and he can finally tell them apart without matching up their footprints, he becomes a phenomenal dad who refuses to cut their hair.

Best Dad Moment: Putting doo rags and leather jackets on his babies for a family portrait.

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2. Nathan Scott- One Tree Hill

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Nathan Scott went from being the star of the Tree Hill Ravens and all around dick to married with a baby all before he graduated high school. But that didn’t stop him from being the sexiest teen dad this side of the river court…seriously have you seen him shirtless? He kept at his all-star basketball career (with a timeout to be paralyzed real quick) but also made sure to teach Jamie how to use condoms in high school how to be a baller and carry on the Scott traditions.

Best Dad Moment: Wearing a cape to Jamie’s school and showing everyone that Scotts are ALWAYS popular.

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1. Eric Taylor- Friday Night Lights

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Coach Taylor is the top dog of TV dads. He brings his football teams to state, has a hot ass wife with fabulous hair and invented “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” I mean, come on. Coaching horny teenage boys all day has essentially made Eric want to lock Julie (we’re disregarding Gracie Belle because she was obviously adopted from trolls) up for life, which makes for some very sassy and hilarious parenting.

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Best Dad Moment: Giving Julie the sex talk via a game of ping pong. (Please accept these ratchet screenshots in lieu of the clip, which was near impossible to find.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/15/15

1. Channing Tatum. On the press circuit for Magic Mike:More Male Twerking to Ginuwine Music (Official title obv.) Channing has been flaunting those abzz and his dirty teenage boy humor all over the place. I don’t hate it one bit. After riding a float in last weekend’s Pride parade in LA with Matt Bomer (SWOON), he also did an AMA this week and let us in on some key Channing secrets.

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In summary: He also gets lost in Matt Bomer’s eyes “made of dreams, rainbows and amazingness.” He learned how to dance by clubbin in Florida, there will be no full frontal nudity in Magic Mike XXL but there is little left to the imagination, he hearts pinterest and carebears, he adds cheetos to his PB&J, and he’s named is penis Gilbert. Welp there you have it folks. The most important tidbits from the mind of Channing. If you have a better attention span than me, you can read the full AMA here.

2. Hilary Duff brings back Lizzie Mcguire Movie Isabella accent. Hilary Duff’s shitty Italian accent MAKES the Lizzie McGuire movie pretty much golden. A loyal fan asked her this week to reenact it while she was promoting her new album and she happily obliged and I watched it and was embarrassed for her all over again. What a gem to entertain Lizzie McGuire fangirls. Fingers crossed she actually makes an Isabella dubsmash. That would be what dreams are made of.

3. Tim Riggins is single, everyone form a line behind me.

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While being interviewed for Elle magazine, Taylor Kitsch (forever and always Riggs) admits he’s single because he chooses not to balance a relationship with his hectic lifestyle. He wouldn’t want to ask a woman to wait for him for several weeks at a time while he’s doing press or filming. I’d just like to put it in writing for all the internet to hear, I will wait an indefinite amount of time for you, Riggs. Just let me know when you’re ready, no regrets. (coincidentally also his personal email sign off…sigh.)

4. Aziz Ansari and Jimmy Fallon show everyone how bad guys are at texting. Aziz just released a new book about how dating today sucks and to prove his point him and JFall played a little game called let’s remind girls how terrible guys are at texting. They read some embarrassing opening lines and I would like everyone who is in a relationship to have a moment of silence for what all of us single ladiezzz are dealing with. Although to be clear, it’s not just texting. I once had a guy who was chatting with me fart and then take a lap to air it out before returning and announcing that he just farted. Crushed it.

5. Kim K is a dum dum and everyone made fun of her. This doesn’t kount as Kardashian knews because I’m really just reporting on the bits that made fun of her…much more entertaining for all. Anyway, Kimmy wrote future Kimmy a letter that was so stupid I couldn’t even listen to more than one second of it. I could, however, listen to both Jimmy Kimmel and James Corden mock it on each of their shows. Enjoi.

BONUS: While people are getting chomped on by sharks left and right (not funny, literally my greatest fear) Zac Efron is riding sharks in Hawaii.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/8/15

1. You get a reality show, you get a reality show, YOU ALL GET REALITY SHOWS. Apparently this was the week of oh, you’d like to be relevant again? Here’s your own show. Nick Lachey and Drew Lachey will have a show called “Raising the Bar” about the two of them opening a bar in Ohio. More famous bro helping out less famous bro open business… Wahlburgers knock-off, anyone?

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Ja Rule is going against my strongly worded advice to start popping out more bangers with Ashanti and instead doing a show about his family on MTV. Snooze. No one wants to see you be a dad, Ja…everyone wants to hear about you doing dirty things to Ashanti in a classic rap song.

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And finally Rev Run and Tyrese will be starting up a talk show based off of their love/relationship advice book Manology. I’m not proud of the fact that I read most of Manology. PS I spent about 40 minutes at work trying to find a tweet from 3 years ago with a RIDICULOUS Tyrese quote from this book and failed miserably…So instead I’ll leave you with this gem of a quote from the book: “A real woman is a freak in bed. A chef in the kitchen. A therapist during hard times & a coach when you’re off your game.” Oh, ok that’s all we need to be? Easy peasy.

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2. The Kristen Wiig/Will Ferrell Lifetime movie is happening. And you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be watching. This teaser is RIVETING.

3. TV reunions GALORE at ATX. This is a festival in Austin, TX that is known for rallying TV casts and hitting up everyone’s nostalgia. This past weekend had a Gilmore Girls reunion/panel, a mini reunion of some of the Friday Night Lights cast and a table reading of a Dawson’s Creek episode (not read by the original stars..which is weird…gimme more Pacey). Anyway my little TV obsessed heart near exploded at all of the goods. Here’s some pics. Gilmore Girls is really doing the circuit so I wouldn’t be surprised at the announcement of some type of reunion in the works…it also needs to be said that Luke is WOOOF now. So disappointing. There was much debate about Team Dean, Team Jess or Team Logan (FTR, I’m team everyone BUT Dean. What a wiener.) And Hep Alien did a little show as well.

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Stars of FNL who played Mindy & Billy Riggins and Tyra Colette got drunk and joked about a reunion and everyone took it too seriously. Texas Forever.

4. Holly Madison airs Playboy Mansion secrets. Holly is releasing another book and basically shitting all over the Playboy mansion. Ever since the Girls Next Door reality show I’ve NEEDED to know about how 3 girls under 30 think it’s aok to share a 90 year old man. Holly described the nightly routine of getting ready for bed and then each getting a turn with Hef where it was over as quickly as it had begun and it soookeedd. (As one would imagine sex with a grandpa would) She also hated her life and couldn’t wait to be released from the Heffinator’s clutches as #1 GF. Yiiiikkezzzz. This is barely news, but I found it interesting nonetheless. Does Hef still have sex slaves, I mean girlfriends? Is Hef still alive?

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5. Relationship Goals. Life Goals.

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Sorry this week was lame for news. Hope this makes it better. If it doesn’t, we shouldn’t be friends.

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