Music, Television

AMA’s Recap 2017

I often like to milk two blogs out of awards shows and even though barely anyone reads these recaps, I laugh at myself while writing them, and that’s truly what is most important. Here’s the top five things to take away from last night’s AMA’s, which packed a lot of good performances into an awards show that gives out fake awards to whoever shows up, basically.

1. Selena is OV-ER-RATED, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Everyone was buzzing about her performance because she’s made it VERY WELL KNOWN that it was her only live performance of this year due to GETTING A NEW KIDNEY and everything. Well, it sucked. Real hard. She basically came onstage just to writhe around a car in a white nightie, covered in fake blood. Girl didn’t even attempt to lip sync. At one point I’m pretty sure she fell asleep on top of said car. If she didn’t, then I sure as hell did because it was a REAL snooze. Also, can everyone stop associating her Lupus/kidney surgery with everything that she does? She’s recovered. It’s not like she walked out of the hospital to give this performance and couldn’t dance too hard or else risk popping stitches. Chill on it. Notably absent from cheering her on, though? Biebs. He seems like a super supportive BF.

2.  Xtina is dead. Haven’t seen ole Xtina in a while (apparently people have forgotten how her last name is pronounced) and suddenly she’s doing a Whitney tribute and the only reason I knew it was really her was because she held her ear and waved her hand up and down when she did vocal riffs. Otherwise, who is this woman with Kylie Jenner lips and how did she get the honor of singing a Whit medley?

christinaxtina

Since we now know that it really was her…and that People is crediting “natural makeup” for her completely transformed face, it would be wrong of me to say that she didn’t crush it because she has a powerhouse voice. Even if Pink DID give her stank face. (lolzzzzzz firing up an old Lady Marmalade feud, what The Salty Ju does best)

Pink shocked face AMAs

Credit: ABC

3. Pink makes acrobats cool again. SPEAKING OF PINK, as soon as I heard “and Pink will be making history with a performance from the sky”, I audibly groaned. You guys KNOW how much I hated the played out ribbons performance. It’s like for 3 years that’s all she knew how to do at awards shows. Well I bit my tongue real quick because what followed was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I mean she literally went face down off the side of a building while performing. I was getting naush just looking at it, so you have to be another level of badass to be like yup I’m staring at the ground 500 ft away from me and just crushing choreography and singing. She won the night and that’s pretty obvious.

4. Ashlee Simpson is back. 

ross fam

The Ross family was a focal point of the evening as Tracee Ellis Ross hosted and Diana Ross received a “you’re still alive and killin it” award, so obviously I was all about seeing how former punk rock princess Ashlee fit into this family dynamic. Turns out, her and that beautiful specimen Evan created one of the most adorable babies on this earth. During Diana’s performance the camera panned to her singing along and just living her damn life as a famous toddler. But then, as soon as she was pulled onstage at the end, she froze and pooped her diaper. Ashlee quickly turned into a stage mom dancing off to the side to get her kid to perform for the cameras and it was a real failure.

What a whirlwind of emotions it was keeping up with that family though. Props to her grandson who not only showed off his best dance moves right in Jagger’s grillpiece (stage fright doesn’t extend to all of the Ross children) but also jacked the mic to tell his grandma that he’s so proud and go off script giving every producer of this show a G-D heart attack. You da real MVP.

ross

5. WHO IS BTS? 

BTS

I legitimately had to google BTS after they flashed the camera to a bunch of Asians with the same haircut over and over again. The internet said these guys came out with their first single in 2013. TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN?! I graduated college then. THAT WAS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. And they’re supposedly famous?! You shut your whore mouth. I patiently waited for them to take the stage to see what it is that they offered that would make them “mega international superstars.” Wanna know what they did? They had robot auto tune voices (I’m assuming this music was created in a studio just with a computer) that sang in a different language, and these matching mushroom cut boys danced to it. That was it. Girls knew the words and were legit in TEARS over this performance. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

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Red Carpet

AMA’s Red Carpet 2017

I’m gonna be honest, the AMA’s are usually a hot pile of garbage trainwreck, but they really pulled their shit together this year with some good performances. Fashionwise, it was pretty much what you would expect from a bunch of young popstars.

WORST

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

If we’re now cool with people rolling down the red carpet in basically sweatpants then I’m out.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

It became evident very quickly that the trend last night was for a skinny mini to wear the tightest, clingiest dress and make herself look like a cased sausage. This is Exhibit A. There were unfortunately about 100 others, leading to my friend and I to question if every single female was pregnant throughout the course of the show. Clean it up, ladies.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m really over this, “I just dunked myself in the ocean and showed up for this awards show” trend that Kimmy K unfortunately had to start for us.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Woofie.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

You know hating on Nicole Kidman’s looks is what I do best. She looks like she could hop on a broom at a moment’s notice.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Pink looked A BAJILLION times better for both her performances so I gotta call bullshit on this one.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

hailee-steinfeld-amas-outfit-changes

WET. Another case of someone who looked WAY better for their performance. Living for the glitz.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Just because you’re an icon does not mean you can wear Payless silver bedazzled cork-heeled sandals with this black mosquito netting monstrosity.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Shoutout to this year’s host who went from unflattering skintight number to a collection of some of the worst outfits I’ve ever seen, including one where her nips were out and another where she was wearing her weight in mismatched turquoise.

tracee-ellis-ross

BEST

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m digging these bling AF boots. Really shakes up the boardroom blazer dress.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

When does Lea not look good though?

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Even though I just talked some shit on the “wet” look, this one is fine because it’s Jenna and she’s a babe soda.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

As a recently bandwagoned Demi superfan, I approve.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Mah gurl Ashlee is making a comeback in this glitzy gown.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m torn here. Because Kelly doesn’t look the best she’s ever looked but she also doesn’t look the worst. Throwing her a bone here because I dig the dark lip and straight locks.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Selena’s trying out the bad girl thing. Whatever, we’ll allow it for now. She knows she can’t compete with Bad Girl Tay but dying her hair blonde, wearing a leather jacket as a dress and being back on that Bieber good good is getting her close enough.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

What a stud. Check out that hair swoop.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Is there a particular reason why Nick is holding his junk?

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Yaaasssss Niall!

 

 

 

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Music, Television

AMA’s 2016 Recap

Since the AMA’s were surprisingly dece, here’s a quick 5 point highlight reel of the show–a conversational piece for your Monday morning at work. (If you happen to work with teenagers.)

1. I’ve had enough visuals to last a lifetime from the song Side to Side.

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I get that Ariana is 23 and old enough to be singing about sex but she still looks like she’s 12 and frankly it gives me all of the uncomfies to watch her simulate this onstage. After this performance and grinding line I was waiting for someone’s bracelet to get snipped and for them to get tossed from the stage ala high school dance grinding rules. Pat on the back that my bracelet was never cut because chaperones can’t get to you if you’re in the middle of the mosh, so HA.

2. Chainsmoker #2 really embracing being the dad of the group.

chainsmokers

It sucks to not be the hot one but respect to #2 for driving that point home with his Guy Fieri sunburst shirt and also having a complete stroke onstage while accepting their award. YIKES.

3. Drake <3’s Taylor.

OMG they both did Apple Music commercials with each other’s songs in it, THEY’RE TOTALLY DATING. But seriously, this would’ve been funnier if it was a slow song like All Too Well. Either way, I can appreciate it and also the fact that Meek Mill has been buried for like a solid year and Drake is still stomping on his grave every chance he gets. The last minute “WATCH HOW YOU SPEAK ON MY NAME” was killer. Would’ve been more killer with a camera pan to Nicki Minaj.

4. What a Taylor Swift-less audience looks like.

Without our girl to sway and toss those seaweed arms into the air, I noticed that we got a lot of glances at random pre-teens singing along and middle aged men dancing like no one was watching. We were all watching. My first piece of advice to anyone in a crowd where there might be a camera ever, is if you’re not 100% confident you have the right words, do not sing. Sure this girl wide mouth singing a bunch of random words made me laugh out loud but also now it’s caught on camera forever and I spent about 20 minutes this morning making a gif of it. (This also made me late for work…priorities.) Selena also stepped into the spotlight for a much-needed Sting clap break. Because Message in a Bottle NEVER gets old.

5a. DO NOT go to a Justin Bieber concert unless you need a good cry.

Holy crap, Beliebers. IT WAS AN UPBEAT SONG. Stop the tears! Gonna be honest, Let Me Love You is one of the few JB songs that I can get down with  and these sobbing little bitches really killed my vibe. Maybe they’re crying because Justin yelled at them all again for screaming during his concert? That’s the only explanation.

5b. What is this microphone.

gagaperforminggagaamas

I know that I said I would only list five things but I lied because I want to yap about the fact that Lady Gaga had a totes emotional slow song performance but all I could focus on was the fact that this MASSIVE headset’s mic was basically inside of her throat as she sang. Since I work in the biz (barely) I know that there are much more discreet mics that still pick up the same amount of sound so choosing this one for a televised awards show is a real weird move. Was anticipating a mid-high note choke but she made it through like a champ.

BONUS: The fact that I specifically googled both Shawn and Niall’s ages before adding this in for a little BTS swoon sesh says everything about how much of a creep I am. For the record, Shawn is 18 and Niall is 23 so IT’S TOTALLY FINE TO BE ATTRACTED TO THIS, GIRLS.

 

 

 

 

 

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Uncategorized

AMA’s Red Carpet 2016

Should an awards show even be allowed to happen when the big three aren’t attending?

No, they should not. But that didn’t stop the AMA’s from plunging forward with beautiful person but not very experienced host/speaker Gigi Hadid at the helm. Jay Pharoah helped out with his Jay-Z impersonation, but I’ve never heard more presenter stuttering in my whole career of judging awards shows. Aside from the stammers and middle-aged man crowd dancing, let’s check out threads.

WORST.

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Halsey’s really digging the hails from a different planet vibe.  I am not.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

What a jabroni DJ Khlaed is.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

I don’t even know who this is but it doesn’t matter because they came dressed as a snapchat filter and it is outrageous.

chrissy-teigen20

That is enough, Chrissy.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

This wrapping paper jumpsuit gives me the dizzies.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

These guys look fine but they both have faces that I kind of want to punch. It probably has something to do with the fact that they’re known doucheronis.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Well this is new. A cargo jumpsuit.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

This dress screams youth. JK she borrowed it from a Real Housewives exotic vacation, right?

American Music Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 20 Nov 2016

Idina can get it but not in this firework number.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Everything about this screams trainwreck. Is Bella trying to tell us something here?

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

This is a 2002 VMA’s outfit.

American Music Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 20 Nov 2016

Gigi, I love you girl. You’re like, really pretty. But no.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

This is a pretty weird pastel Barbie situation.

BEST.

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Blue was very in last night, apparently.

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My heart skipped a beat when Hannah appeared on my screen and said “I’m Hannah Jeter” and for that reason I couldn’t put her on the worst dressed even though I don’t love this number.

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This is how you slay when you’re twice the age of the average AMAs guest.

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Check out this little nugget rocking the teal suit.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Oh ok most annoying Barden Bella. I see you.

John Legend showing us a diverse but very real jacket game last night.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Unexpectedly fully on board with the Donster in a cotton candy velour blazer. He’s stealing the shine from Jenny’s sass in the back.

gaga

Gaga’s really attached to these types of hats lately so I’ll let it slide. The white power suit really brings out her rack.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Sharp-dressed host.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m an open Ariana h8er but she’s werkin this. Plus I’ve been sneaking the half up Ariana pony into my hairstyle rotation lately and it seems hypocritical to always shit on her.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Selena making a spicy comeback from her brief Lupus (?) hiatus.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Just looking at this picture, I hate this but after seeing her present I decided this steal your man’s button down inspired look has my stamp of approval on Taraji.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

In case you haven’t heard, Ciara’s pregnant. Her and Russell tried out the whole sex thing.

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Shiny hot pants!

Best look of the night by MILES:

2016 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Never fancied myself a Niall chick but SHIT he cleaned up nice for his solo debut, which of course caused a flood in the arena.

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Red Carpet, Uncategorized

AMA’s 2015 Red Carpet

I guess E! is just as excited to jumpstart awards season as I am because they started red carpet coverage at dinner time. Giuliana was unbearable interviewing actual celebrities so I can’t even begin to imagine what the first hour of the red carpet was like when nobody was there. Especially since her riveting line of questions included “what’s the difference between American girls and Australian girls, no bullshit answer.” Leave it to G to ask the hard-hitting Q’s. We only have more of that to look forward to in the coming winter months.

WORST:

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This is Tove Lo and it’s possible she had the worst dress of the night. When asked about it she said all the important parts are on display. Thank you for showing us your pikachu and rack, Tove. Here in America we don’t love that.

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BARRETTES. CHLOE GRACE MORETZ IS WEARING BARRETTES AND A BLACK CHOKER.

kyliejenner

Sucks that you have to walk the red carpet with your supermodel sister but like wearing dominatrix leather only made things worse.

paulaabdul

PAULA. You’re 53! I do NOT want to see your RB curts.

rebel

There has got to be a better way for Rebel to dress for her body type than this trash bag.

frankiegrande

What a subdued outfit for such a shy personality.

jennymccarthy

I have no words.

christinamilian

OMG Slutty Cindy Lou Who!

juliannehough

Not only is this impractical because every time she walks she flashes everyone AND her 90’s platforms make her travel at a snail’s pace, but it’s also butt ugly.

haileesteinfeld

I feel like this is a real front and back wedgie sitch waiting to happen.

ashleybenson

Ashley Benson is ready to take on a job interview.

biebs

Leave it to Biebs to wear a tee of a band he knows nothing about with some ripped jeans like a punk.

demi

The dress isn’t the worst thing in the world but this vamp hair/makeup is killing me.

gwen

Gwen has transformed into a skanky black butterfly!

giulianarancic

mEh.

danicamckellar

This is a prom dress. 100%.

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HARRY. Gawd. This suit. Also, trim those locks.

BEST:

selena

selena back

This isn’t my favorite Selena look but she’s still pulling it off.

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3 out of 4 in 1D dressed like suave gentlemen and I commend them for that.

kelseaballerini

Kelsea Ballerini showing off tasteful cleavage–take notes, Christina Milian.

wilmervalderrama

Wilmer would’ve upstaged Demi if they posed togets.

charlieputh

Charlie Puth keeping things spicy in a red suit.

COULD be a longer frock, but Kendall never really looks bad, especially when she stands next to Kylie.

lukebryan

Can always count on Luke to look droolworthy. His wife’s alright, I guess.

hannahdavis

I don’t LOVE this but it’s not horrendous enough to hit the worst dressed. Something weird’s happening around her boob region and I don’t know that Jeets would approve.

meghantrainor

Kinda hard to mess anything up with a plain black dress

nickjonas

Turtleneck CHIC.

5sos

I wanted to post this picture because it made me laugh out loud. The lead singer/guy HAMMING in the white shirt is clearly the hottest group member and he knows it. The one on the right is trying, but can’t compete with white shirt’s natural sex appeal.

ciara

Ciara wore this scandalous dress showing off her hot bod to be STUCK in the T-mobile corner for the entire show.

carrie

I can get down with a little cape from time to time. I think Carrie’s rockin it.

gigi

I went back and forth on this one for a while. On the one hand this is a whole lot. On the other hand Gigi has the perfect model bod and looks smokin hot.

zendaya

Congrats to Zendaya who made the best dressed list for dressing the most normal she’s ever dressed. She’s going all Lilly Pulitzer on us.

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Music, Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

AMA’s Fashion

I expressed my excitement for the AMA’s today and both of my sisters asked me if I was 12. The answer is a hard yes. The AMA’s are maybe one step above the VMA’s in maturity level and I don’t even curr. Let’s judge how the tweens and young adult pop singers of this year dressed for such an event. Apparently if you didn’t have at least one full leg out to play, you were a nobody. I personally preferred the nobodies.

Worst Dressed:

zendaya

Zendaya wearing some satin sheets and a bandeau bikini top.

jordin sparks

Is stripper gold costume material back in style and I missed the memo? Jordin Sparks needed to step it up and show Jason DeRulo that she’s lookin like a dime.

heidi

More sparkles, more leg. Are we seeing a trend here? Leave the crops to the young’ns Heidi.

fergie

If the leg wasn’t so forceful I would actually like this dress.

charli-xcx-american-music-awards-2014-amas

Ok Morticia Adams, we get it, you have D cups. Charli XCX going nips out for the awards.

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Happy Thanksgiving, the turkey has arrived!

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This looks like a homemade dress for the sorority 80’s party, only thing missing is a scrunchie.

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Magic looking like they stumbled out of a thrift shop (I’d bet money that they did) smelling of incense.

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Imagine Dragons with a weird bib shirt, 60’s shades vibe. Hipsters, man.

jlo

Hey JLo, I know you invented the “booty” and all but you’re 45 and this is no longer an acceptable article of clothing to be wearing in public.

Best Dressed:

1d

One Direction with some leopard accents. YAS.

kate

Could do without the snake necklace on Kate Beckinsale but the dress is perfection.

mtrainor

Simple and classy, plus an obnoxious lips clutch for sass. Megan Trainor shows us you don’t need to have a slit up to your vagina to look good.

SELENA

Selena with the tight black dress and open back giving the Biebs a taste of what he’s missing.

becky-g-american-music-awards-2014-amas

Becky G looking cute as a button with a sassy pony and approps party dress.

dianna agron

This dress is pretty stupid but I’m kinda digging on the crazy updo with the headband.

nicki

Nicki making my best dressed list because she is the most covered I have ever seen her and I encourage this wholeheartedly.

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I’m digging Rita Ora’s yellow ball gown a lot. There’s coverage and a nice change up of color.

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Lucy Hale with another classic short cocktail dress and simple hair/makeup look. Girl knows how to play the awards show game, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

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I didn’t see a lot of nice men red carpet pics, so I’m including this for gender equality purposes. Nick Jonas with a real uncomfy pose but a nice dapper suit.

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Julianne Hough with a saucy summer number that I don’t hate. Get it, gurl.

Stay tuned for my full recap post-awards. I can give you a teaser right now that the awards are a straight up trainwreck and I should win something just for watching them in full. I do it all for my fans.

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