JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/18/19

1. Jamal Lyon is a snitch bitch. (Press play while reading)

When this story first broke I honestly thought it was a plot point from the latest episode of Empire. As a once fan (and recapper) of the ridiculous show before it got to be a little TOO outrageous even for me, a racial/homophobic attack on Jussie easily could’ve been a story line for the Lyon fam. In fact, I think it was at one point. Which is probably where dum dum Jussie cooked up the idea. Except instead of locking it up with no way to pin him to this crime, like Lucious did when he killed Bunkie, he executed the sloppiest hack job of all time. Let’s quickly run through the deets and hard facts/evidence that they’ve collected so far. Jussie wrote himself hate mail and had it sent to the studio where they shoot Empire. No one really noticed or took action. So then he hired two extras (also black), paid them VIA CHECK $3,500 and then had them go to a local convenience store to buy the supplies for said attack, where they were clear as day caught on surveillance. (LOL to the fact that at the end of the checkout, one of the guys puts his hood up. Good job, bruh.) Then he called them a bunch of times before and after the alleged attack. After being “attacked” he refused to release his phone and/or phone records. But also went on GMA to sob about what happened and say there were a lot of misconceptions out there. The balls on this kid to book an interview the week after he’s attacked and put on that performance. He’s finally been arrested and charged with filing a false police report, yet he’s still arguing that he’s innocent. Police say he did this because he was unhappy with this salary. And this is the point where I fly off the handle. He makes roughly $65,000 per episode. PER EPISODE. YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITH JUST ONE CHECK FOR $65,000? SO. MANY. THINGS. None of them include self-inflicted injuries, JUSSIE. UGH. Gawd. I’m done. Get him out of my face. JK I’m not done because as I was writing this Fox released the following statement:

“The events of the past few weeks have been incredibly emotional for all of us. Jussie has been an important member of our EMPIRE family for the past five years and we care about him deeply. While these allegations are very disturbing, we are placing our trust in the legal system as the process plays out. We are also aware of the effects of this process on the cast and crew members who work on our show and to avoid further disruption on set, we have decided to remove the role of ‘Jamal’ from the final two episodes of the season.”

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2. Kris Jenner Back At It.

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You know that I typically like to avoid including the Kardtrashians in my blog but game respects game and when you see Kris puppetmaster Jenner/Kardashian(?) pull another scandal out of her bhole, you gotta just sit back and clap for that sneaky B. Keeping up with the Kardashians season 6 zillion premieres on March 31st. CONVENIENTLY, it comes out this week that Kylie’s BFF, roomie & makeup partner Jordyn went to bonetown with Khloe’s baby daddy Tristan Thompson, who has basically been cheating on her since they started dating. The story “leaks” and suddenly you’ve got every Kardashian and the BFFS that haven’t stepped out with their mans going in on social media. They all unfollow Jordyn, she gets kicked out of Kylie’s house, they’re putting up videos singing along to Find Your Own Man. It’s like the WWE smackdown of Kardashians vs. this 21 year old ho they made famous. (I’m allowed to make a WWE comparison because I watch Total Bellas.) Everyone is riveted by it and sitting back with a bowl of popcorn to watch the ratchet drama unfold. In the meantime, Kris writhes her body over stacks of hunnids in a room just filled with cash in her Calabasas mansion. Don’t you think for a second that Jordyn wasn’t offered a deal to be the kingpin of hoes in this storyline. Girls’ got her eyelash line and a fat wad of cash (Kris gives cash on shady deals, she doesn’t pull out the ole checkbook like Jussie did) to keep her warm at night.

3. Miranda Lambert Stole Found The Love of her Life.

This was last week’s news but it took a few days for the ole snoops of social media to get the real scoop on this guy who no one knew. And it was WORTH THE WAIT. Brendan Mcloughlin is a NYC cop, who Miranda met while performing on GMA and having a concert that same night where Brendan was the police detail/crowd control. Bren-dawgs is my age (26.5), was once an aspiring model, oh and also was engaged at the time he met Miranda, with a pregnant girlfriend as well. After I publicly declared in May that I was no longer #TeamMiranda (read about it here), she seemed to lay low for a while, sensing that she was losing a loyal follower because of her infidelities. Obviously, this ended real quick and it seems as though she has found her soulmate of cheaters. Brendan’s fiance found out he was cheating from his 7 month preggers girlfriend who was living with him at the time. *Allegedly* YOIKES. His baby was born the same month that him and Miranda started dating (November) so there was obviously some crossover. Let me be the first to say that they are a match made in heaven and the latest in the Hollywood trend to get married after dating for fifteen minutes. Best of luck to ya!

4. Gaga is Single.

Lady Gaga and her fiance who I literally knew nothing about have split. Obviously everyone is shipping a Gaga-Bradley union and to that I say, There can be 100 people in the room and 99 don’t believe in you, and just one does. And that can change your whole life. I mean literally, change it. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. Oscars are this weekend. Your move, Bradley.

5. Weekly Dose of Tasteful Nudity.

I always like to post the latest Calvin Klein campaign because who wouldn’t want to feast their eyes on a glossy six pack and judge the size of the guys’ package tucked into some briefs? This campaign features A$AP Rocky, Noah Centineo, Kendall Jenner, and Shawn Mendes. Since I’m a 13 year old girl (and because it wouldn’t be a competition with A$AP), let’s check out how Noah and Shawn fared.

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@CalvinKlein #MyCalvins. Campaign coming this week.

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@calvinklein by @_glen_luchford #mycalvins

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Point to Shawn for Abs, Point to Noah for Package. Looks like we broke even here, boys. TYSM for participating. Also here’s a nice laugh from my favorite British doughboy, James Corden to round out the week.

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Red Carpet, Television

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2015

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The VS Fashion show is always right around the time of year when I’ve already had my winter body for roughly 2 months. And yet I still plop my ass on the couch in an oversized sweatshirt surrounded by snacks so that I can comment out loud to myself “she’s TOO skinny.” All in all I’d say it’s an annual success in reaffirming that my daily regiment of eating every hour and never exercising makes me a supermodel at heart. It’s the inside the counts. Last night Taylor Swift and her runway star power was sorely missed but there’s never really a shortage of things to giggle at.

 

Highlights:

-Last year I ripped on the amount of kisses blown and how the angels actually discussed their preparation for getting the right wink.. Well of course there were 1 trillion more facial spasms this year but the new move seemed to be the shimmy into a wink. It was a welcome change from blowing a kiss at the end of their strut. I’d rather see them toss those moneymakers around than give dramatic air smooches.

-With Kendall’s debut as an angel, it was to be expected that the Kardashians would snake their way into the spotlight. Momager Kris was probably salivating at being the equivalent of an Awards Show Taylor Swift with the amount of times the camera cut to her in the crowd doing this (every.time.Kendall.walked):

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-The Weeknd wasn’t briefed on how the models like to clasp hands when they walk by the performer and watching him navigate that on the fly was downright entertaining.

-Definitely wasn’t jelly at all of this…her core is like TOO flawless, ya know?

-Ellie must have learned from last year’s near Ariana Grande beheading because she just missed a decapitation by some ferocious butterfly wings. (Also did 90’s Mariah Carey design this show? What’s with all the butterflies…)

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-YIKES:

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-Selena Gomez takes on the Pink collection, which is essentially cute PJ’s, sports bras and cotton briefs yet she wears this and it’s OUTRAGEOUS. I love Selena but she’s gorgeous all on her own. I don’t think she needed to pop in blue contacts, ask for her spray tanner to make her a different race and wear a silk dress that was one shimmy away from a nip slip. Read the room, Sel.

-Selena would’ve stood out even more except that the Pink collection quickly turned into a slutty Halloween costume contest. WHAT was happening here?! A cop, a firefighter, an astronaut, a girl LITERALLY carrying a surfboard? As if the wings aren’t enough of a walking liability?!

-Winter wonderland was the best collection by FAR. Especially Candice. DAMN.

-Sucks to be this chick wearing ACTUAL firecrackers. WINK.

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-If we’re being honest I’ve seen more extravagant fantasy bras in years past.

 

Fluff Pieces that made me laugh: 

-A backstage promotion of Instagram and who has the best account/most followers quickly snowballed into “how to take the perfect selfie.” As the young’ns rattle on about angles and lighting, Adriana Lima stomps on them by pointing the camera at herself and saying, “TA-DA! I’ts not that hard.” HAHA you rookie idiots, watch Adriana, you might LEARN somethin. Realistically when you look like her… it IS supes easy to take gorgeous selfies.

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Miami traffic this week sucks

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🚿 SHOWER TIME 🚿

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-The squad wouldn’t be the squad unless they took a few moments to casually insert how much they loved being in the Bad Blood music video and strutting down the 1989 stage. Lily was like fantasy bra? Who cares! I’m BFF’s with Taylor!

-A detailed workout segment that ended with one of the angels saying, “I totally think we’re athletes”…I’ll just leave that one there for you. Interpret it as you will.

-“It’s a little weird walking past your sister’s boyfriend in lingerie but it’s gonna be great.”-Gigi letting us know that her and Bella are SO Hollywood. JK I’m obsessed with Gigi and she looked amahzing in the show. Real proud of her.

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-Lily speaks to the fantasy bra while the grumpiest security guard in all the land stands watch on camera. This is a bra made of colored gems, not Buckingham palace. Let’s calm ourselves.

-Annual holiday commercial features Tay “This Love”, of course. Hey—wait a second—Rome doesn’t look like that! It looks like thousands of people everywhere sweating and gladiators charging you to take a picture next to their toned pecs and tacky costumes. I guess Michael Bay envisioned a more magical Rome, whatevs.

 

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