JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/27/17

1. Every American Girl’s Dream Came True.

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ring

Remember when I announced that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry were dating and that everyone was taking a royal dump on it because she’s American and also half black? WELL GUESS WHAT, NOW SHE’S GONNA BE A ROYAL. I’m down with it. I was never against it. Was it a little sooner than I was expecting? Sure. But have you seen her stems? I don’t blame Harry one bit for locking that shit down.

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It’s funny that America always had this obsession with party boy Harry and who would tame him. I mean there was a literal trash ass reality show where they led Americans to believe they were dating Prince Harry just because they put an orangehead in a suit and had him take the girls on fancy dates. At the time I was like joke’s on all of you, Harry will never settle for a trailer-livin, reality show appearin, AMERICAN. Joke was on me, apparently. American is what he settled for. She’s living out every girl’s princess dreams and I applaud the hell out of her. Gear up for non-stop Heghan fever. (We’ll work on that.) We’ll follow them to every public appearance, analyze their hand holding, have apps to virtually try on her ring, all leading up to the royal wedding that will be bigger than all the awards shows combined. I CANNOT WAIIIIIIITTTTT.

 

2. PERFECT.

 Ed’s baller enough to call up ‘Yonce and be like wanna sing this beautiful song I’ve already released with me? And she’s like YUP. It’s even better now. I didn’t think it was possible but the magic of their two voices combining is like Fergie and Jesus. What a duet.

3. I’m still a Demi superfan.

I just wanted to remind everyone that I still think Demi is QUEEN and I’m loving everything that she’s doing lately. I already ship a good music video real hard but this one was especially gripping. WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS. First thought, Jesse ❤ What a good pick…smokeshow city. Second thought, they look so beautiful together and they clearly have a good sex life. Then WHABOOM, I see we’ve taken a turn for the “this is gonna be forever or it’s gonna go down in flames” territory. One thing’s for certain though and that is mah gurl Demi looks flawle$$ on her fake wedding day. Could’ve done with less of the shitty acting, tbh. But it all played into the drama and I get it. Song also bangs, so that doesn’t hurt either.

4. Jersey Shore Rides Again.

Never thought that in 2018 we would still be watching self-proclaimed guidos dick around on vacation but then again what can we predict in Hollywood anymore? These washed up trash monsters are mostly settled down now…Snooki and JWoww are parents (yikes) which apparently means it’s time to get the gang back together. JShore when it first debuted was MAGIC. Angelina getting called a dirty little hamster by Pauly D was one of my favorite moments in TV history. Then by season 4 when they’re pulling in Snooki’s friends (from Poughkeepsie, NY) as part of the show it was like eh ok. That’s enough. Probably the only thing that entices me to tune in is that Sammi Sweetheart won’t be there to sob and scream RAWN, HOW DARE YOU?! over and over and over again. Count me in.

5. VS Show = Garbage.

ming xi

As you all know, every year I recap the VS Fashion show so that we can laugh at the fluff material they film with dumbass underwear models to fill that hour timeslot on CBS and also summarize which singer interacted with the models most awkwardly. Well you know what? This year was THE WORST. Not only did I get false confirmation that Taylor Swift would be performing, but instead of Tay they had Miguel and a jazz singer. MIGUEL. IN 2017. The last time we heard of Miguel it was because he had committed a murder right in front of our very eyes.

What a joke of entertainment selection. I couldn’t even get excited for Harry. Honestly. The only thing I will post about the show is the model who cockily flashed the dubz peace sign then proceeded to fly through the air and fall flat on her face. Most brutal thing I’ve ever seen is that they didn’t edit her fall out OR THE SOBBING that occurred afterward backstage. What a commitment to ruining this girls’ career and completely embarrassing her. Feel free to watch it back here.

 

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/7/16

1. RIP Facebook. As of this week, Facebook is pronounced dead because I can no longer go on it to stalk people I haven’t talked to in 10 years or lawl at the period of my life when I went through a ROUGH FB video phase instead of texting people like a normal human being. Nope. Now when I look at my feed I see people yelling at each other and being a bunch of b-holes. For my personal sanity and to preserve my first amendment right to escape onto Facebook into a dark tunnel of left arrowing embarrassing pictures dating back to 2007, I’m going to ask  politely that everyone CTFD and take a break from angrily spouting off in their statuses. We’re all in this together, high school musical style. And if we all just learn the Kenny Ortega choreography and stop calling each other racists and pigs on the ‘book, it’ll be a much better country and that seems pretty obvious.

dunphy

If you would like to have a much-needed laugh this week to ease the tension, feel free to turn to the much funnier and more talented writers of Hollywood. Because what brings ‘Merica togets better than pizza and fart jokes? Answer: nothing.

To learn more about Dr. Farts the T.Rex, read Leslie Knope’s letter here.

2. Olsen Twins ❤ Crusty Old Men.

mka

WHAT is going on. I know I’ve been including them a lot on the JUice but seriously my childhood dies abruptly every time I see them lately. For my most formative years, these girls set the tone for finding cute boys on family vacay and dating them for 3 days. How am I supposed to believe in the magic of an exotic location bringing 13 year olds romance when all I can see now is Ash open mouth kissing a cryptkeeper at a basketball game while her hand dangles in mid-air. Barf.com.

ashleyolsenash

3. DREAM. 

Dream Renee Kardashian 💕 @dream

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Nope that’s it. That’s all I’m going to say. Dream. Kardashian. Daughter of Slob KeRob and Blac Chyna. North, Saint, Mason, Penelope, Reign and Dream. This is our future.

4. The Mannequin Challenge.

Remember when Daniel was wearing white vans and that became a thing and we were all like whoa the internet is weird. Well now it’s all the rage to film everybody pretending to be a mannequin. Bitch, check out the security footage of my office Monday through Friday and you’ll see the realest mannequin challenge ever of adults sitting and staring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day. The internet needs to step up their game if they’re going to play in the big leagues of viral vids. Steph Curry’s mannequin challenge was hands down the best though. Also Michelle is like F it, we’re done here so I’m gonna kick it with Lebron and become internet famous.

Dream Team 💕 #mannequinchallenge

A post shared by Blac Chyna (@blacchyna) on

🎈🎉🎂

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5. Prince Harry has spoken.

meghan-harry

Since I wrote about this last week and how it was alleged, I feel as though it’s necessary to CONFIRM that Prince Harry is dating actress Meghan Markle. We now know this because one of his butlers dictated a letter from him on the Queen’s parchment paper telling everyone to stop being racist AF and harassing his girlfriend. I’d like to point out that I said she was a babe and never once was rude to her, which is surprising considering how bitter I was. I’d also like to point out that it’s laugh out loud funny that Kensington Palace is regal and old school, releasing statements in print on official stationary, only to have to then tweet it out for anyone to even see it.

BONUS: Mr & Mrs Jeets stepped out in NYC looking FUH-INE.

City Point, Kids Foot Locker, And Haddad Brands Present BKLYN Rocks - Backstage and Front Row

DOUBLE BONUS: The Fox show that I predicted would be cancelled by now (Pitch) just tweeted this:

mpg

And I would like to personally thank them for that.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/31/16

1. Prince Harry ALLEGEDLY dates an American.

meghan-harry

Remember that horrendous reality TV show a few years ago where they tricked a bunch of T-Rash American girls into thinking Prince Harry was dating them when they were actually just dating a ginger actor? When that came out I was like well this is the reason Prince Harry will never so much as sniff at an American. I can’t even believe WE ALL HAD A CHANCE THIS WHOLE TIME. Ok, whatevs, this girl is gorge and an actress and charitable AF–AND according to her Twitter bio she is “a traveler of this beautiful world.”Fine, we get it. You’re the bomb.com, girl. I guess Harry is over his blacking out in Vegas days and looking to settle down. That is, if every gossip mag reporting this relationship like it’s the royal wedding doesn’t scare him off. GUD LUCK, MEG!

2. Emma Watson is perfection.

beauty

More pics from the live action Beauty and the Beast were released this week and of course Emma is crushing it as Belle. I’ve never seen anyone look better in a yellow dress than the time I wore it for Halloween in 2013. But I’m willing to pass the torch to her because she’s perfect for this role and also I would never in a billion years want to smooch this beast with horns. Yikes. Can we see the after photo? Also I’m gonna need a close-up of Gaston. Cause like, Gaston can’t be hot. Cartoon Gaston just looked like a dick and I can’t be getting all confused about who Belle is supposed to be attracted to if they give this movie the Hollywood treatment and Gaston is a dreamboat while Beast is over there snarling and picking gnats out of his fur.

3. Beyonce eats cheetos. STARS. THEY’RE JUST LIKE US. I love how it was a legitimate headline this week that Bruno Mars revealed Beyonce nommed all up on some cheetos before the Super Bowl halftime show. He even included that she had the cheezy dust on her fingers. Talk about blackmail. See if Beyonce ever snacks around Bruno again. But actually, if all I have to do is eat cheetos to get a body like B then I’m basically there. Except for the whole orange dust thing. I’m not saying I’m above it, but it might be frowned upon for me to sit at my desk and lick my fingers after snacktime.

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4. There’s still hope for me. Was cruising through twitter this week and saw that someone had tweeted this photo:

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And said this is what Ice Box looks like now. Since everyone knows I have an affinity for wearing a backwards hat like a big ole lez and pretending it’s adorable, this is HUGE news for me. The girl who starred in Little Giants and looked like THIS:

icebox

…now looks like a smokeshow. Here’s what I looked like as a child vs. grown up. We’ve still got some time, guys. I’m not worried. IT’S JUST A PHASE.

5. Fuller House got worse. 

Ah yes, the season 2 that EVERYONE (read: no one) has been anticipating. Fuller House is going the way of Girl Meets World and after watching this disaaaaaster of a trailer, I gotta say I’m officially out. No more she-wolf pack jokes, no more Danny Tanner dressed as Vanilla Ice going through a mid-life crisis and DEFINITELY no more DJ wasting an opportunity with hot vet Matt. I feel like a giant weight of terrible MK&A jabs has been lifted off of my shoulders and I encourage everyone else to quit as well. Mostly because if anyone talks about this I’ll have FOMO and immediately binge watch. LET’S STAY STRONG TOGETHER.

PS this throwback of Uncle J looking like a total babe soda isn’t helping me stay strong.

BONUS: My dad is funnier than me. Den & I have an age old tradition (since I graduated college), where when I’m faced with financial decisions, I ask him to explain them to me in 90’s pop culture references. It’s a fool proof method, really. He knows all of the characters I’m obsessed with, and also smart stuff like MONEY. After college graduation he broke down investments via Dawson’s Creek and this week he delivered a killer Saved by the Bell comparison to teach me what an IRA account is. Read and appreciate that my dad is and will always be cooler than yours.

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It’s almost like he should have his own blog or something. (JK-steal my spotlight and I’ll cut a bitch.) One blog per fam. PS Happy 2nd Birthday to The Salty Ju last week. #ShamelessPlug

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