JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/20/2020

1. Stop Coming @ Tay.

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Between Kimmy K, Ye & Scoot Scoot, everyone needs to CTFD and stop coming @ Tay during a national pandemic because girl ain’t afraid to clap back anymore. I mean she literally just hit ’em with the crying laughing face emoji. WHAT a boom roast. Not only did she just publicly say that they’re broke AF for buying her music, she also pointed out an UNGODLY amount of money when the world is burning and the economy is crashing. She knows how outright douchey it makes them look to be already rich humans looking to make a profit in a time when everyone and their mother is donating to charity and those who actually need help right now. Tay herself was paying off people’s debts. BTW, if you stumble upon this post, grl, I have school loans coming out the bhole and I’ve been your ride or die since 2009. Either way, unless you want egg on your face or more importantly, to be internet “cancelled”, take a beat and stop taking shots at the Queen, who just last week performed a very personal and emotional song on the One World Together At Home charity concert. Something that actually matters.

2. I Am A Global Citizen.

I wasn’t going to blog about this but then I just posted Tay’s performance and there’s not much going on this week so WHY NOT?! Saturday night was the Lady Gaga organized musical benefit show on TV and basically every streaming/social media platform. It was impossible to miss it. I consider myself a global citizen just for watching, when in reality, it was filling my insatiable need for awards shows and I was able to critique each performance from my couch, a true joy of mine. Also, I didn’t feel guilty about not donating because they weren’t asking for donations, the Rockefeller fam funded the whole thing basically. Win, win. There were a number of baller performances but my all-time favorite was the capri-wearing Keith trio (see above.) Great, upbeat tune and a three-for-one special on Keith. My sister and I bopped along and tried way too hard to find out how the hell he did it, 100% sounding like ignorant dummies in the process. Speaking of ignorant dummies, another highlight of being a global citizen is that everyone on the internet got mad at me and I have a bone to pick with them. I had SEVERAL funny tweets about the show, but the one that caught the most attention was this one during the Rolling Stones performance:

Each Stone rocked out separately and upon further inspection, my sister and I noticed that the drummer was in fact air drumming. Not having a deep knowledge on the members of the Rolling Stones and seeing that this gent was incredibly old (and might need a wellness check), my first assumption was that for charity, they let some super-fan gramps pop in and pretend to be the drummer for the evening. And he was having a ball hitting that imaginary high hat, which made me happy and was highly entertaining. Apparently the diehard rock fans DID NOT LIKE MY JOY.

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Well, Proud Member of Cult45*thanks@catturd2: if Charlie IS the Stones drummer why doesn’t he HAVE a drum set? ANSWER ME THAT. Seriously though if you spend your free time yelling at people online for not knowing the name of an almost 80 year old drummer, you probably, most definitely, have poop in your pants. WAKE UP!

3. Robin Sparkles is Back.

 

In another week of so much instagram live content, I can’t possibly keep up–Jake Johnson and Cobie Smulders got together for a friend hang on Vulture’s instagram. It was pretty long and they didn’t really know what to talk about but this little gem shined through. The people wanted a little taste of “Let’s Go to the Mall” and after some cheering from Jake, Cobie delivered a lick. I can always appreciate a throwback to Robin Sparkles because it was Robin’s only funny storyline in the entire series of How I Met Your Mother and rhyming Tori with Sorry is a fun way to laugh at our Canadian friends without directly telling them they talk funny. Please enjoy the song in full below, in addition to Robin’s more diverse, heartbreak ballad. As well as her quick foray into punk with Robin Daggers.

4. HOPEFULLY A REAL REUNION!

Hey cast of Friends, THIS is a reunion. It’s a new episode of Parks and Rec coming at us next Thursday and I’m REAAAALLLLYYYYYY holding out hope that this is a reunion that can be done right. I want all of the stupid Tom Haverford abbrevs, I want TREAT YO’SELFFFFFFF, I want Leslie showering Ann with borderline lesbian compliments, and most of all… I NEEEEEEED the return of Jean-Ralphio, one of the best characters to ever have been written and the sole reason that I can’t say anything is the worst without singing it in three parts.

5. Things That Gave Me the Uncomfies.

With people being confined to their homes, these JUices are getting harder and harder to make each week and there’s only so many dance videos I can produce with my madd skillz to be able to fill up the five headline slots. Instead, here’s a few things that caught my attention this week but not enough to have their own headline. Here’s numero uno:

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WHY. Why is that a thing we need to know?! Kate & Goldie were chosen for the cover of People’s Beautiful Issue. That’s great. I love them both, I want to be a part of their family because they seem fun and chill as hell–also they’re loaded and Hollywood royalty, but that’s neither here nor there. I listen to Kate and Oliver’s podcast and think they’re funny and I’m happy to read any articles about this fam but I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT KATE TALKS TO HER MOM ABOUT HER SEX LIFE. Nope, no thank you. That is not something to envy. I’m cool beans about not having sex chitchats with my mom. Next up…our latest celeb to join TikTok:

This didn’t really make me uncomfy, more like supes jelly. Jenna Dewan had a baby no more than five minutes ago, cut the umbilical cord, popped on a cropped sweatsuit and danced professionally directly in our faces. It’s just not fair. She has a flatter stomach than me after just housing a child and was just like ho hum I guess I’ll hop on this app and show everyone how it’s done, effortlessly. It’s not like the average TikTok user is an out of shape, non-pro dancer who spends hours learning a simple 12 second routine or ANYTHING. EYE.ROLL. Petition to ban the pros from tokking starts now. Signatures welcome.

And finally, here’s some fun new country songs to play us into the weekend in the hopes that it will stop F**KING SNOWING and the sun will hear these nonsense feel-good songs about drinking outside and come out and plaaayyyyyyyyyyy. If not just hit play inside and drink a marg while you watch the snow fall. We all have coping mechanisms. Do what you need to do, yo.

 

BONUS:The cast of Friday Night Lights waited until after I posted this week’s JUice to release their hangout for Global Citizen. Some of the cast (notably missing: Tami Tay, Coach & Riggs) got together to watch the pilot for the first time in fifteen years. I’ll spare you the hour-long livestream of a group of people who clearly aren’t close friends and v. awkward zoom conference call interactions and just give you this little visual treat :

Buddy Garrity, WOOOOOOOOOOOOF. Texas forever, tho.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/11/19

1. Sexiest Man Alive.

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I know that I once wrote a very heated takedown of People for their shitty choices in Sexiest Man Alive, based solely on the fact that they’ve never crowned Ryan Gosling but over the years, my anger has simmered because obviously this whole thing is rigged anyway. I’m ok with John Legend. I don’t feel triggered or slighted. I feel like he’s a lovable character who has talent out the wazoo and looks like someone you might want to cuddle with, so sure, let’s call him sexy. What I don’t feel GREAT about is that Chrissy Teigen’s twitter antics probably pulled more weight with this nomination than anything else. Everyone knows she likes to get fired up on twitter and come at people. She’s the hot, dirty-mouthed sassy B wife to John’s gentle and tender doe of a personality. I don’t doubt for a second that the higher up’s at People were like what will create buzz? Someone with a mouthy wife on social media that everyone thinks is hilarious. And boy did she have us all eating out of the palm of her hand. Poppin offfff on Twitter. And for that, I’m like eh I might be out. It’s overplayed. We get it. You’re unfiltered. So am I. People don’t think I’m that funny either. And I recognize that. (See #5 where I show you that people on Twitter like very unfunny things.)

 

2a. Combat. She’s Ready For Combat.

Tay has assembled a Swift army. LITERALLY. Like how baller do you have to be to just write a note on social media that gears thousands of fans up for combat for your music from a bunch of mean ole music industry bullies. If you haven’t kept abreast of the music drama, Tay left her record label, the head then partnered with Scooter Braun and told her that they owned everything she wrote while signed with that record label. Which was like her entire career leading up to this album. She called them out, Justin Bieber made fun of her then she announced she’d be re-recording all her old songs so that they’re hers again. We all forgot this happened. Cut to last night when she releases this manifesto and suddenly THEY’RE NOT LETTING HER PERFORM ANY OF HER MATERIAL?! UH, UH HONAY. I worship at the ground of awards shows and if she’s not allowed to perform the hits, I will RIOT. Apparently, so will everyone else. Here’s all her buds stepping up on social media for her.

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Naturally, Big Machine released a statement that if I may paraphrase here, said: Nah, she’s lyin. And like honestly after what happened with Kim/Kanye and Taylor before, do you THINK SHE’S GONNA CALL SOMEONE OUT LIKE THIS IF SHE DOESN’T HAVE PROOF?! So I’m waiting with baited breath for her to pull out those receipts y’all.

2b. Collaborashawn.

Taylor’s having a real big week. She deserved a two-parter here. Technically 3 if we want to recognize her new song for Cats as well, which we do not. That movie looks creepy as hell. Out of everything on Lover, the title track seems to be the most TAY and most unique. She wrote the whole thing by herself and it’s ooooooooooobviously about her plain bagel of a boyfriend. So when she dropped this remix this week I was real perplexed. Seems like the last one she would want someone to re-write and collab on but hey, it’s her world, we’re all just living in it. Although it doesn’t hold a candle to the original, I’m a fan of Shawn’s smooth vocals and I think it’s nice enough to give a cool gurl head nod. To say his portion of the song is a love letter to Camila is a little TOO much. Let’s pump the brakes, they’ve been dating like 5 minutes. I don’t think he’d really wanna go down with the Titanic for her. Leo tried that one time and it really backfired for him.

3. Demi’s New Mans

Always a Demi stan, I’ve been rooting for her to keep it together ever since her overdose a little over a year ago now. I worry about her and like to see that she’s doing well–you know–by what she chooses to show me on social media because unfortunately she doesn’t text me on the reg like JLo does. There were some rumors that she was getting after a Bachelorette contestant, but those are squashed now that she’s made this public coupling with this cotton candy colored hair jabroni. Apparently he’s a model. He also posted a pic on his account so YOU KNOW IT’S REAL. And if you can’t already tell from my tone, I do not approve. Girl’s got too much going on to focus on a relashe right now. And that’s my completely unsolicited and unwelcome relationship advice for this week.

4. I’m Confused.

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I lied. I got more unwelcome bits for these two ladies. I saw this article on People earlier this week shouting out Selena and her BFF Julia Michaels. Apparently they’re on a real hot streak lately of Bff’in. They performed together, Selena just attended Julia’s 90’s themed birthday bash and now they’ve gotten matching tats of arrows that point to each other when they hold hands. And People is like aren’t they just the cutest besties you’ve ever seen? No. No they are not. Name one pair of friends who kiss on the lips and get hand holding matching tattoos. NAME ONE. I got very passionate about this super casj article considering we are HOT OFF THE HEELS of Miley and Katelyn. Those two are smooching all over the joint and they’re having a lez fling, these two are basically doing the same thing and they’re just BFF goals. WHERE IS THE LINE, HOLLYWOOD?! I really really don’t understand it. Someone explain it to me because I have never once, nor will I ever smooch a friend on the lips. Am I doing friendships wrong? Pls advise.

5. Twitter is Garbage.

I watched the CMA’s on Wednesday  (blogged the red carpet) and got a Halsey boner, so I sent out a very PG, unfunny tweet into the twittersphere, giving props to the performance, which I encourage you to watch below:

My tweet went viral–well viral for someone who gets maximum 6 likes on a tweet. In fact, I’m still gaining new followers and getting action on this tweet and it’s more than 24 hours later. Here is my stupid ass tweet.

I’d just like to let all of my new “fans” and followers know, that I think I’m hilarious. And I spend a significant amount of time crafting the perfect tweets as if I’m writing a punchline for my own well-attended Netflix stand up special. AND THIS IS THE ONE YOU MF’ERS RECOGNIZE?! FOR REAL? I used to live-tweet every awards show like I was being paid to do it and NOTHIN. Never recognized for my obvious talent. Now all the sudden I say I ❤ Halsey and everyone’s coming out of the woodwork. I guess that’s the power of Halsey. Now I know what the Chainsmokers feel like. Outshined by a gal from Jersey. So if you’ve stumbled upon my rarely-viewed blog because I tweeted about Halsey, WELCOME. I am here to entertain and make you laugh and if you don’t think I’m funny then get the hell out of here because I only like to interact with people who pump my tires like my co-workers who all told me I kill it on Twitter. Shout out to them for perpetrating the biggest Twitter head I’ve ever had. Also today’s my half birthday and my Venmo is open for monetary gifts to celebrate the occasion of being 6 months closer to the impending doom of thirty. That may seem abrupt and unrelated, but if you peep my tweet about it from last year below: you’ll see that I brought it full circle by pointing out yet another funny tweet that has one measly like. And also, I still genuinely don’t know how old I am. PLUS I’m trying to capitalize on my new following. So I’m not THAT dumb.

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