JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/25/19

1. JoBros Are Back.

No more purity rings for these bros, they’re all spoken for and they do sex now. And what a way to show us all that they do! I mean that scene with Sophie licking her lips at Joe suspended naked from the ceiling? Hot damn! And they’re the only couple that isn’t married! Spicy. I get that they were trying to go for a Taylor Swift in a bath tub full of diamonds or standing on a horse in her yard levels of asshole richness for this video, but I gotta be honest, this doesn’t really seem that far-fetched. I mean they literally just spent a month in India throwing the most lavish wedding celebration ever. I bet they filmed this there too. At like Pri’s family house or something. Also important to note: this video was an open invitation to the gun show, hosted by none other than Nick. Rich or not, Nick would like everyone to know he’s having a steamy affair with lifting weights with the amount he’s been going sleeveless lately. I’m surprised he didn’t pop the top errr fancy patterned trench coat for this formal painted portrait at the end. Cement those swole ‘ceps into history. Anyway, now that I feel like I’ve adequately ripped this vid to shreds, let’s talk about how I don’t hate the song at all and I’ll be turning up to it this weekend. When I have an extra glass of wine before popping in the ole Redbox. THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE IN TOOWNNNNNN. It’s LIT.

2. 90210, Also Back?

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I’d like to say that I got the tip off on this news as my sister sent me the official Fox press release. We’ve got connections. 90210 will be returning with the original cast for what I gathered is going to be a reality/meta experience. Brandon, Kelly, Steve, Donna, David & Andrea will return to a 6 episode event playing themselves basically. Apparently it’ll be inspired by their real lives and relationships and I’m just not sure I can do it. First of all, it’s been 19 years since the OG ended. Name one human who looks the same as they did 19 years ago. Age is a sneaky bitch and she hasn’t been kind to all of these cast members. Not going to name names but you know who you are. Secondly, they did a reboot of 90210 with a younger generation that included Kelly in it and Donna popped in for a few epis and I watched it for any breadcrumb of the old characters they might drop and I was NOT pleased to find out that Donna and David weren’t together anymore. What fresh hell is that? If you do a reboot you keep your core couples together and I won’t hear anything otherwise. Lastly, this may be redundant on my point about age but Luke Perry AKA Dylan just suffered a stroke IRL. Hope he’s ok (T’s and P’s) but also that means Kelly and Dylan will never be together and Luke probably won’t be popping onto the show for some guest appearances. Am I shipping TV couples from the 90’s a little too hard? Probably. Am I still going to watch this show? Obviously. See you this summer.

3. Lady Gaga Fooled Us.

Everyone had their panties in a knot after Gaga & Brad’s Oscars Shallow performance, myself included. They eye boned the shit out of each other then snuggled up at the end for what looked like it was going to be a full tongue kiss, but they decided to leave that for the paying customers. 99% of the tweets I was reading were about poor Irina, sitting front row for this cuck-fest, probably planning for joint custody of their child and mentally dividing their assets. Btw, if we’re taking a stance here, I’m firmly #TeamIrina. Don’t break up a family. Gagz. But alas, there’s no need to worry because Gaga went on Kimmel and was like LOL Fooled y’all! Have you uneducated losers ever heard of ACTING?! They were playing their characters and that seems PRETTY obvious. That wasn’t fresh off a broken engagement Gaga and currently taken with a baby Bradley, that was Ally and Jackson, who are very much in love, doing the duet of a lifetime. And us drooling over their looks and touches just gave them the highest compliment we could’ve. Best acting job of the year. Although, if they were playing their characters why wasn’t Bradley completely trashed? Also, spoiler alert–alive? Hmmmmmm…… Either way, still was the best thing about the Oscars and deserves to be watched over and over again.

 

4. Taylor is V. Active on Insta

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She just read all the theories 🙀

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Many rabid T.Swift fans are predicting a new music drop tomorrow based on what they believe to be sneaky clues via her Insta. Since Taylor has been calculated every single time she posts, this would not be remotely surprising if it were to be true. (Please say it’s true.) Her last three posts are associated with a countdown of sorts. The first one has palm trees signifying how many albums she’s had–separation for pop and country albums. In her video for Look What You Made Me Do, she’s in the background of all her video characters at the end in a palm tree shirt.

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🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

Then she’s sitting on the 6th stair and then there’s five holes in the fence. Honestly the people who sniff this shit out should be full time detectives. Proud of them. I’m just like oh, Taylor’s posting ambiguous shit, wonder what she’s up to. They’re like measuring the circumference of the fence hole and relating it back to a lyric she wrote in 2009.

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💗

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

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💛

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

On the official Taylor Swift calendar, there’s a giant flower on March 2nd. She’s about to be on a magazine cover and she rarely does press unless she’s promoting something.

The list goes on and on. So if the new music happens tomorrow I can say I told you so, otherwise we’ll all just carry on with our lives and let the Swifties continue to dissect everything that she does and entertain me with their crazy theories. Also if this is true, that’s some genius marketing shit right there.

5. TR Play Us Out

I could do my last item about Jordyn Woods going on Jada Pinkett Smith’s FB live show today to say that the only thing she did wrong was go to Tristan Thompson’s house for a party, but he’s the one who no tongue kissed her goodbye. Or the fact that Khloe Kardashian IMMEDIATELY tweeted in response that she’s a dirty liar and is the reason her family is now shattered. OR I could just post Thomas Rhett’s new song and let it play you into the weekend because it’s a beat. Either one works.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/26/2016

1. Everyone is dying. Let me start this off by saying, unlike EVERYONE else, I’m not about to blame the year 2016 for some celebrity deaths. Why? BECAUSE THAT’S PREPOSTEROUS. 2016 is a year, not a murderer. So let’s cut the shit with the dramatics on Twitter, mmmk? And this is coming from one of the most dramats human on this planet, so you know it’s serious. Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s talk about how like a bajillion celebrities died this year. I mean, yikes city. Alan Thicke a couple weeks ago, then bing, bang, boom with George Michael, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. There’s only one way we can all get through this together and I know everyone will agree. Just close your eyes and show me that smile again. (OooOooh SHOW ME THAT SMILE!)

I made this my alarm and I’ve never been happier to get up in the morning*

*Snooze no less than 100 times and finally drag my ass out of bed with the best song ever in my head.

2. Jenny from the 6. See what I did there? Apparently Drake’s love life is like super interesting because a couple weeks ago everyone was salivating over a Taylor-Drake relashe (when realistically they were probably just recording a song together…GIVE US NEW MUSIC, TAY.) and now it looks like Drake’s getting all up in that JLo booty. Respect. If I had to choose JLo or Rihanna, I’d go with the one who physically cannot age and puts out bangers still rather than the one who made the most annoying song on this planet. *In case you want something in your head for the rest of the day: werkwerkwerkwerkwerk.

But honestly though, I’m proud of Drake for flaunting this all over the gram because when he was professing his love for RiRi at an awards show a few months back and she was like boy, bye it was preeetttyyyy embarrassing. Upgrade. Go get ’em Jenny.

Also shouts to this gossip because it allowed me to dive into a dark hole of watching old JLo music videos, which was a goldmine. I highly recommend it. Seriously how many times can she flash her abs in this one? We get it. You’re from the block (with a gym on it.)

Double also, if “Dra-Lo” becomes a real thing I’ll have no choice but to exit this planet.

3. Pink Popped.

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Jameson Moon Hart 12.26.16

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It seems like just yesterday I was blogging about Pink’s tits-out maternity photo and now here’s the baby! Time flies when you’re topless. Either way…gr8 name. I couldn’t approve more if it was the name for my first nephew, cough cough. Middle name is dumb, obviously.

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I love my baby daddy 💙

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4. National Bacon Day.

nutmegspelling

Tori Spelling literally cannot stop popping out kiddies so also it seems like an ideal time to get a micropig named Nutmeg to add to the fam. Seriously, wtf. Also I only know today is National Bacon Day because I observe it. By getting a half day at work, obviously.

5. Dunkin Nuts.

This happened a week ago but it doesn’t get old and I was really searching for celeb goss this week that didn’t have to do with another beloved star dying suddenly. Casey Affleck is the PERFECT Boston accented Dunkin trash. I’m proud to say that I drink Dunkz on a regular basis but I’ve never delivered a vanilla nut tap, so I’m really living my best life.

Happy New Year’s to all! Hopefully we don’t immediately get outraged as a human race by the year 2017. To assure that you start the year with a bang, smash play on the below CLASSIC.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/3/16

1. He is redeemed.

Harry probably follows The Salty Ju like nobody’s biz, saw that I was super disappointed in him last week for his hideous pics and he was like I gotchu girl. And he does. Looking past the mani because everything else is so on point. And by that I pretty much mean just his hair, because the silk scarf under his shirt is also a little odd.

2a. Sag city.

spelling

Tori Spelling is preggers again and it’s time to say enough is enough. These babies are basically walking out at this point. Her two youngest children are the same age right now. And they are not twins. We understand that Dean has a sex addiction and she’s trying to satisfy that, but like he should probably then take care of his side of things. It’s only fair. My vagina actually aches thinking about giving birth essentially twice in the same year. Ouch city.

2b. Lock it up.

kclarkson

Which leads me to my next story, Kelly Clarkson knows what’s up. After her second baby she was like k, we done here. She’s on a book tour this week or something and told Jenny McCarthy that while she was preggers she told her husband to “get fixed.” Take notes, Tori. Hashtag MiSs InDePenDeNt

3. Boston Strong.

This wasn’t a full trailer and it gave me chills. We all can LoL all we want at Mahky Mahk and his Dorchester upbringing and the fact that he is the epitome of the over the top MAHHH Boston accent. But like, this was definitely a huge deal for him to make this movie and he’s got a lot riding on it because of how much that day affected Boston. As someone who got to see the marathon firsthand last year, it was probably one of the coolest things to experience so many strangers actually being nice to each other so I can’t imagine what this day was like. I look forward to seeing this movie and how they’ll handle it. Fingers crossed Beantown is pleased and doesn’t disown Mahky Mahk or his funky bunch. (I can’t be serious ALL THE TIME.)

4. New jamz.

John Legend gave us some new catchy music about looouuuurrrveee and that little nugget Bruno does what he does best, takes a 70’s pop beat and grooves around to it in a shirt that gave me a headache. Not sold on 24K magic yet, but toss a little alcohol down my gullet and who knows, I might be gliding across the dance floor in my white leather loafers.

5. Kimmy K. Ugh ugh, ugh. I follow the no-Kardashians rule of thumb for my blog because they make enough press for themselves and they don’t need more attention. This was like the #1 story this week though and it is kind of a big deal so here we are. Bottom ranked on my list but also, slow news week. Ya girl Kimmy allegedly got robbed at gunpoint. That’s like pretty much all we know at this point because for once the fam has been tight-lipped about the incident. Kanye left mid-concert when it happened and has cancelled some future dates to be with his wifey. I’m not saying that this didn’t happen, but I’m not not saying it either. Everything about it just seems a little too fishy and America DID just experience Lochte-gate, so it’s very fresh in our minds that stories can be, how do I put this nicely, escalated. I will wait until further details are released but like, proceeding with caution & reasonable doubt.

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