JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of February 3, 2020

1. Feel Good Friday.

It’s very rare of me to highlight a non-celebrity warm and fuzzy but this one was all the buzz this week and ties into the pop culture world because Jennifer Garner, who has created quite an Insta presence for herself, was commenting all over this, eating this shit right up. And if Jen loves it, we all love it. Humans of NY is an account that highlights regular ass people just trollin around that big, dirty city and gives us their usually heart-warming story. This one was a real nail-biter and had to be delivered in 11 parts. (Click on the insta name to see full story because I’m not about to be posting 11 instas in this blog) In summary, Cheryl and Bobby were married for 40 years, had four children together and the entire time Cheryl had no clue that Bobby was really Walter and a fugitive of the law. NBD. Cheryl loves Bobby anyway and forgave him, teaching us all a very important lesson: there are few Cheryls in this world and you better snatch that shit up and lock her down because anyone who stands by her mans after finding out he is LITERALLY a different person is the true definition of a ride or die. Or, in the words of Jennifer Garner “Cheryl is the American Wife. I can’t even take it.”

2. Surprise Baby.

One Tree Hill’s very own Chris Keller and The Secret Life of the American Teenager’s very own Grace had a surprise baby. At first I was like WHAT THE HELL she’s been posting and she never once looked pregnant how did she keep this under wraps?! Then I realized that when you’re a D list celebrity doing hallmark movies, it’s really very quite simple to hide a pregnancy. I learned this when I saw a headline that said Tyler Hilton and Megan Park are actually married. And I laughed so hard. Favorite part about the ole celebrity surprise baby…no one even knew these two were married and they have been since 2015 lololololol. CONGRATS ON YOUR BABY AND MARRIAGE, GUYS!!!

3. Barf All Over Me.

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I’m not even a little bit exaggerating when I say that I blew chunks all over my keyboard as soon as I feasted my eyes upon this travesty. I’ve shaded Post Malone a whole lot because I genuinely don’t get everyone’s fascination with him. He looks like he needs 100 showers and smells like a bong and is COVERED in tattoos and he basically just auto-tune sings about partying or being single. Syracuse likes to claim Posty as their own because he was born here even though he moved away before he was 10. SO that’s already embarrassing. And then on top of that everything that he does everyone is like OMG POST MALONE IS SO COOL AND HILARIOUS AND TALENTED. Well guess what. HE NOW HAS A BLOODY SAW ON HIS CHEEK. I had to choke back vomit actually typing that. Catchy music or not, I’m out on the face tat game, ESPECIALLY ones with DRIPPING. BLOOD.

4. Jacob in the Kissing Booth with Zendaya.

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Remember when I watched the Kissing Booth 900 times in one summer and wouldn’t stop talking about it to everyone I knew? Refresh your memory HERE . Most of the reason I loved it so much was because babe soda Jacob Elordi was dating Joey King IRL and it was such a precious love story. Obviously as adorable love stories do, that died real quick and I vowed to never watch the Kissing Booth sequel because obviously they would break up in the movie as well and I can’t handle anymore heartbreak. Well now Jacob stars in Euphoria and wouldn’t you know he’s dating his costar from the show, Zendaya. SHOWMANCE WHORE, MUCH?! I guess I’m still a little bitter about Elle and Flynn not making it for the long haul. Either way, what’s hilarious about Zendaya and Jacob dating is that they could not have denied it harder. When asked they were like, we’re just BFF’s, nothin to see here folks! Zendaya even went as far as doubling down that he’s like a brother to her.

Now I don’t have a brother, so please feel free to educate me on this matter, but do brothers and sisters make out on the streets of NYC? You can report back to me on that.

5. Weekend Beatz.

Lots of new music drops today that had my hips a’movin and I felt like why not just share them as a group so you can all groove into the weekend? We’ve got Meek Mill and JT. Never really been a fan of Meek, especially after Drake murdered him in a rap battle. #Neverforget Trigger fingers turn to Twitter fingers. But it’s JT. And apparently he took some time off of cheating on Jess to hit the studio and lay down some soulful croons with a guitar in a shirt that said “Did you miss me?” Uh yeah bitch, we did. Drop a new album, STAT.

Then we’ve got a little country flavor from ya boy Sam Hunt–I use the term country loosely of course because it’s Sam and he likes to insert hip hop flavors.

And last but certainly not least, a little ditty from Niall Horan about the joy of being in a relationship when you can fart in front of each other. Since I love music videos (and being disgusting), and Niall went from being the only 1D member with braces to this babe soda–he deserves his moment to shine.

 

BONUS: Don’t F**k With Cats: Hunting an Internet Killer

I know I’m late to the party because this came out over a month ago but I really didn’t want to ruin my holiday season with murder–just kidding, I was too busy telling anyone who would listen to me that Scott Peterson is innocent to really focus on any other murders at the time. I’m a one murder truther at a time kinda gal. So anyway, since I’ve been plowing through the entire Netflix library at lightning speed lately, I knew that Cats was next on the watch list. I obviously dropped a hint during TV time with the roomies so that I wouldn’t have to watch alone and be scared–there are far too many windows without curtains in my house. And so my dad and I fired it up this week and watched all three parts in one sitting. In the words of John Green (internet murder hunter) HOOOOOOLY SHIT this story was insane. I nearly crapped my pants in the last few minutes when they tie everything together. I will toss in the disclaimer that I don’t advise watching it before bed as I scampered upstairs and asked my parents if I could sleep in their room…but fortunately I did survive the night and now I can obnoxiously push it on everyone who hasn’t watched yet. Also, prepare yourself for someone who spent all of her free time on the internet with a fake name, manhunting a murderer, keeping files and spreadsheets on him and going down google maps streets to find the location of photos–to turn everything on you at the end and tell you that your interest in true crime docs is how murders happen. BOLD. So basically I’m responsible for LOTS of murders according to “Baudi Moovan”. K. Watch at your own risk, I guess.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/29/15

1. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are crushing my dreams. Obviously, it is with a heavy heart that I relay to you the biggest piece of JUice from this week. One of my favorite celebrity couples (as seen in my Top Ten Celebrity Couples Blog, shameless plug) has decided to end their 10 year relationship and I think I am taking it harder than their own children are. The rumors were swirling for months but I refused to believe that garbage until finally the statement was released this week and I was forced to face the music. The most down to earth, cool, casj couple of Hollywood with three cute little nuggets are divorcing. I’m still mourning this and all that I ask is that you please respect my privacy during this difficult time. They asked the same, and obviously Hollywood has graciously backed off…Just kidding, they literally could not be MORE up in their shit.

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2. The Relationship Gods try to soothe my pain.

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As a beautiful couple is shattered, a new one is born, and that is the circle of life. It is rumored that True Detective co-stars Taylor Kitsch & Rachel McAdams are dating and I support this wholeheartedly. Rachel McAdams is my #2 les crush (after Blake Lively) and we all know what a special place Riggs holds in my heart. Even though I will probably never be over the dismantling of Ryan Gosling & Rachel McAdams, Riggins is a WORTHY runner up to Gosling and I can only hope that they procreate. Also if this rumor ISN’T true, I will probably cry myself to sleep, nbd but HBD.

3. The OC is going to be a musical. Obviously The OC was a top notch show but quick thought…do we REALLY want a fabulous show with all it’s sarcastic and beautiful california people glory to be reincarnated in song? The answer of course, is no. I hope that this idea is squashed right quick but unfortunately I don’t think it will be…considering Autumn Reeser AKA Taylor AKA Coop’s replacement for Ryan will be playing Julie Cooper in musical form.

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4. Vanessa Bayer crushes a Rachel Green impression. Vanessa apparently is trying some new material, her impressions of everyone else on Friends were subpar but the Rachel Green was creepy accurate. This is for all the Friends superfans out there who yearn for a reunion, maybe Vanessa can do a one woman show if she works on her other characters a bit.

5. In the land of sequels, My Big Fat Greek Wedding makes its 2.0. And here’s a sneak peek of what to expect:

The first film was made 13 years ago…maybe we shouldn’t have waited so long for the sequel? Joey Fatone, YIKES. On the other hand…we’re going to get a little bit of this…which I always support:

In honor of America’s birthday…

A musical snack for your ears while you stuff your face with wieners, watermelon, pasta salad and Budweiser (just me? Oh ok..)-

Happy 4th! ‘MURRRICA.

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Pop Culture

Ten Best Celebrity Couples

Since Valentine’s Day was Saturday, I thought it would be an appropriate time to list all of the celebrity couples that I would’ve liked to be a third wheel with for the holiday of Looooove. Here’s the ten best celeb couples (in no particular order) who are going to make it the long haul…according to me. (If you’re reading this months or weeks from now and any or all of these couples have broken up please do not blame me. I’m still reeling from the dissolution of Nick and Jessica. It’ll be too much to handle if I’m also a curse.)

John Krasinski & Emily Blunt.

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I have a REAL difficult time separating John Krasinski from Jim Halpert and I think many Office fans can agree, which basically means that John must be the most romantic and adorable husband alive. The best part is that Emily Blunt is a sassy Brit instead of a meek little deer in the headlights like Pam was, so this relationship is EVEN better. They prank Jimmy Kimmel together every year, they crushed the ALS ice bucket challenge and they never take Hollywood too seriously.

Years Together: 7 (Married in 2010)

Beyonce & Jay-Z.

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There cannot be a top celeb couples list without the Queen & King themselves. They’re outrageously rich and spend like 90% of their time just F-ing around on yachts with baby royalty Blue Ivy. I respect the hell out of their lavish lifestyles because they deliver some sick beats, and most recently the coolest married couple concert ever. Only Bey & Jay can get away with recording a song about the two of them banging constantly and make the term “Surfbordt” popular. Also no one should ever be caught saying bad things about these two, because Illuminati.

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Years Together: 11 (Married in 2008)

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner.

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Ben and Jen are easily the most normal Hollywood couple ever. They’re more likely to be seen taking their kids to school or going to a soccer game in sneakers and jeans than doing stupid frivolous celeb things. They’re not all in yo face when they’re at awards shows together and Jen even let it slide when Ben won a bunch of awards for Argo and said that their marriage was work cause he got nervsies. Cool, calm and all about the fam.

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Years Together: 11 (Married in 2005)

Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds.

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Have you seen these two? I have unrealistic high hopes that their baby will be the most beautiful baby on this earth, should they ever show her or reveal her name. Also I have a bigger crush on Blake than I do on Ryan, judge me, I dare you. Although it certainly helps Ryan’s charisma that he recently called Blake a human Denny’s because she’s breakfast lunch and dinner for their daughter. He’s quick to add that she’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen. Swooooon.

Years Together: 4 (Married in 2012)

Eric Decker & Jessie James Decker.

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I first learned about these two when they got a reality TV show on E! and I loved them immediately but was also SUUUPER nervsies that they would catch the reality show curse of Newlyweds. They’ve got a little bit of the Nick & Jessica dynamic because Jessie’s the goofy crazy one and Eric calms her down and puts up with her antics, but I’m pleased to report that their marriage is still intact and they recently had the most adorbs baby ever. I don’t even like babies and I’m obsessed with this one so that’s saying a lot. Please feel free to drool over their family photos like I do on a regular basis.

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Years Together: 4 (Married in 2013)

Emma Stone & Andrew Garfield.

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These two crazy kids have a nice way of staying mostly private but still letting everyone know that they’re in love and are fun and stuff. Emma made an appearance when Andrew hosted SNL and they did a goofy kissing skit together. They’re known for photobombing and using their paparazzi shots to promote good causes. Also this just gives me an excuse to post Emma Stone’s lip sync battle on Fallon, which was epic. When Fallon had Andrew on after that he pointed out that they should’ve never given Emma a mic because she got real serious with it, real quick. The couple that lip syncs at home together, stays together.

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Years Together: 4

Chrissy Teigen & John Legend.

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I’m starting to see a trend here with the outspoken crazy girl and the other half that calms her down and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. Anyway Chrissy is a supermodel who also has a pottymouth, isn’t afraid to look like an idiot and creates twitter wars with her haters. John is a classy 9-time Grammy-winning singer/songwriter piano playing extraordinaire. They met on the set of one of his music videos. They found love in a hopeless place. Just kitten, but seriously all you need to do is watch the music video for “All of Me” and your heart will be all kinds of melting. Chrissy also pretty frequently screenshots her texts with John where she basically just trolls him, which is always good for a laugh. Bonus Points: When she had an ugly crying face after seeing John perform at the Globes she handled it real well. By making fun of herself.

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Years Together: 8 (Married in 2013)

David & Victoria Beckham.

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Ah, British royalty. Becks was the sex-tastic futbol player, Victoria was Posh Spice. It was the 90’s and everything was magical. Becks fell in love with Posh’s ability to never look like she’s having an ounce of fun and the rest is history. They invaded America finally and we all haven’t been the same since. They also created a crop of future models with their four kids that have been high fashion since they were in diapers. Harper’s toddler top knot at fashion week for all the awards.

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Years Together: 18 (Married in 1999)

Channing Tatum & Jenna Dewan-Tatum.

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They met on the set of Step Up, arguably one of the best dance movies of all time and couldn’t deny the chemistry of their dirty dancing. They got married and Channing rewarded every woman in America with Magic Mike and his “Pony” striptease. And Jenna was like yeah bitches, that’s my husband and he used to be a stripper. Then they had a kid and Jenna supported Channing putting on the lbs and coined it “fappy” (Fat+Happy) Channing. Just recently they were snapped having a dance-off after the Golden Globes proving to be the best thing to come out of Step Up, and yes that was a direct dig to Step up 2-100.

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Years Together: 10 (Married in 2009)

Kristen Bell & Dax Shepard. 

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Kristen and Dax are goobers.They’ve been doing a series of ads for Samsung for about a year now and call me a sucker but how they are in these commercials is exactly how I assume they interact at home. I eat that shit right up. They’ve always been all about sharing funny stories and being open about their relationship on talk shows and a few years ago Dax surprised Kristen with a sloth on her 31st birthday and she was so happy that she hysterically cried about it. Always the good husband, Dax filmed it all for our viewing pleasure. (See clip below) Plus after second baby Delta was born, Dax described Kristen’s C Section in the most romantic of ways, “After seeing this autopsy, I would rather see a school bus drive out of her vagina.” So he’s almost as much of a wordsmith as Ryan Reynolds comparing Blake’s breast-feeding to a diner chain.

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Years Together: 8 (Married in 2013)

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