JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/25/2021

1. No Sweet Dream.

Well this was an unwelcome surprise. My gurl Halsey is the latest to join the celebrity baby train in total oops fashion. Even though I salivate at the thought of breaking a shocking pregnancy and screenshotted the announcement to several people in hopes of scooping, I do not approve. At the time of announcement, it wasn’t public info if she even had a boyfriend. Then via this instagram, her boyfriend commented and suddenly within hours there were 900 articles deep diving into who Halsey’s baby daddy is. Here’s what I learned and I’m happy to share with you. His name is Alev Aydin, he’s 37 (Halsey is 26), he’s a Turkish screenwriter, they got matching tattoos of the word “seeds” on their feet, and according to sources “they’ve been dating for a few months.” According to sources or ACCORDING TO THE ANNOUNCEMENT THAT HE PUT A BABY IN HER? Like come on with this lazy journalism. Ya gotta be a real detective to understand that women typically announce they’re pregnant 3 months along but BREAKING NEWS they’ve been dating for three months. Anyway, here’s a picture of these two getting their rando tats together, which will last infinitely longer than this relationship. You know what’s forever? A baby. You know what’s not? A couple that makes a baby on their first date. #Science.

It may sound like I’m being a little harsh and let me make this crystal clear…I think Halsey has one of the most beautiful raspy voices of all time. I love her music, I think she’s wildly talented. I also think she’s naturally beautiful. Take all the junk away and she’s stunning. (Unfortunately she adds a lot of junk…between the tats, zany hair & makeup and trashy outfits.) That being said, I will never be on board with the ‘have babies because it’s trendy’ movement that seems to take young Hollywood by storm. You’re young and at the peak of your career, just like do your twenties and have a ball and then do the mom thing a little bit later. You have time! You can still wear matching designer duds with your child when you’re in your 30’s. I’ve been watching Real Housewives of NY from the start. These ladies were popping out kids in their 50’s (lookin at you, Cindy) and parading them around for looks then handing them off to the nannies. YOU HAVE TIME! Anyway, that’s my rant about that, which should be enough but then I saw this photo and got RE-TRIGGERED.

WHY WOULD YOU GET A TATTOO THERE?! WHy WHY WHYWHy. Halsey. Please. JUST BE NORMAL. Tattooing baby directly where your baby is living IS NOT NORMAL. Is that even legal? Can you literally buzz a needle into your skin while your baby is in there beeboppin around in fluids? Even if it is legal, I feel like the tattoo artist has a moral obligation to be like sweetie, this is going to stretch out until it’s unreadable and then shrivel back down with lumpy dumpy stretch marks. Maybe just write it in pen instead, mmmk? I double dog dare Halsey to give us an after-birth shot of this tat. Obviously I have a lot of anger about the pending oops baby (and life in general) and before I heard the news, I happened to be driving along when Nightmare came on shuffle and I’ve never performed a song harder while driving. There was head banging and screaming. So if anyone is working through some stuff like I am, might I direct you to this little ditty because nothing feels more rewarding than unbottling your rage into the “I waited a while for a moment to say I DON’T OWE YOU A G-D THING” build-up.

2. Mighty Sucks.

I debated not even doing a blog this week because it’s been the actual worst and typically when I’m real down in the dumps I can’t be funny because everything just blows. But then I started writing and went off on a tangent and now I’m basically just writing this blog so I can get my untethered rage out. This very quickly became my second therapy sesh of the week. If you’re a generally positive and upbeat person, please see yourself out. This week’s blog is not for you. If you like to scream at inanimate objects or watch the world burn, WELCOME, MY FRIEND. In my second rant of this week, this little teaseroni for the Mighty Ducks reboot came out and it SUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKS. MIGHTY. SUCKZ. (Good one, Julia. OMG I KNOW RIGHT?!) We knew it was going to suck anyway because Disney + reboots are for infants and therefore the actual generation that grew up on the Ducks flying together will not appreciate this very kid-centric series. On top of that we have Lauren Graham which seems random as hell and just from this little snippet, I was already bored with her character. I guess her son sucks at hockey and she supports him enough to start a band of yellow-bellied losers led by the biggest loser of them all, Coach Bombay. Don’t get me wrong, Coach Bombay used to be cool as hell snatchin up all the ladies, skating in a flying V and coaching a bunch of misfits to victory. But did you see him in this trailer? WOOF, DUDE. Clean it up. There’s absolutely no hope for this reboot unless we get OG cameos from Goldberg, Charlie, The Bash Bros, Kenny Wu Wu, Julie the Cat Gaffney, even stupid rich boy Adam Banks. You toss a knuckle puck and a few appearances into this and we’ll talk but otherwise I’m OUT.

3. Robin Williams is a Gem.

That weird bird Rami Malek was on the Tonight show this week and shared this tidbit about working with Robin Williams at the end of his life. Although this story did not give me chills, it did make me miss Robin Williams. I was just carrying on with my garb life not thinking about how we tragically lost Robin Williams too soon and then Jimmy and Rami have to DRUM THOSE SADS UP AGAIN. Thanks, guys. I love that Robin was the guy on set telling everyone to get off their damn phones. That checks out. Classic dad move. Hey everyone, BE PRESENT. Bet they all feel like a buncha dicks now. Anyway, related to celebrity deaths but unrelated to this story, I’ve been rewatching How I Met Your Mother as my sleepytime show and last week I hit the episode where Marshall is trying to find the best burger in NYC and Regis is featured and as soon as I saw his cherub face I remembered once again that he’s gone and it made me miss him too. I’M TOO FRAGILE FOR THIS SHIT. Miss u Robin, Miss u Rege.

4. Disney Love Triangle.

I debated about covering this for the past few weeks but it’s still playing out and now it’s just downright hilarious so since I’ve already come in hot this week with the judgment, let’s learn about the latest love triangle rocking the world of Disney. Here’s the backstory, use the above photo for visual reference. Olivia (brunette) and Josh (JT wannabe in the middle) both starred in Disney’s show “High School Musical: The Musical — The Series” (sick name – insert deep eye roll here) and it was rumored that they had a little co-star fling. Tale as old as time, duetting leads to love. Then this past summer, Josh was publicly attached to Sabrina Carpenter (known by me as the female Shawn Hunter of Girl Meets World.) This probably would’ve gone quietly into the night as nothing but Olivia dropped a song a few weeks ago called “drivers license” and the world lost their minds. Not only is it a classic breakup song that will be the “All Too Well” of her teenie bopper fans, but she has a killer voice oh and no big deal but Taylor Swift gave it a stamp of approval. Apparently inspired by Taylor, Olivia also writes her own songs drawn from personal experiences. It became very clear that this song was about Josh dropping her ass for Sabrina. Except nothing about it was malicious. There was one little line about how he left her for a blonde. That’s it. The rest was just about how much is blows to be heartbroken. Here’s the song:

If we were dealing with adults, everyone would’ve been like kewl good song. Happy 4 u. But we’re dealing with children. So a week later, that curly-headed f*ck Josh releases “Lie Lie Lie” and declares it’s about getting close to someone and then they spread lies about you. COME ON, DUDE. It’s 2021. The WERST thing you can do for your image/career/life right now is publicly call a girl a liar when all she did was write a song about how sad and heartbroken she is. Whaaaaaat a douchenozzle. I hate this guy already.

AND THEN as if that wasn’t enough… a week or two later, Sabrina releases HER response track. CLASSIC case of hitting back harder for literally no reason. Here it is:

SABRINA. You got the guy AND you were never dragged in Olivia’s song, WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THAT?! Sh-Sh-Shut your mouth. Now you look threatened & insecure as hell. “You can try to get under my skin while he’s on mine” WHAT A BITCH MOVE. I gotta go #TeamOlivia here. What a bad play. Not only is she releasing a song 100% knowing it’ll get more publicity because she’s in this little HSM threesome, but the song is rude as hell. Also important to note: it’s pretty damn catchy. I’ll give her that. Obviously there was dramatic backlash, Olivia immediately posted a video looking casj listening to Taylor Swift’s “Are You Ready For It”, Josh tried to promote both songs on his social media saying they were great but lookin like a real two-timing wiener and Sabrina released this statement:

Obviously she got under your skin, dumbass, you wrote a whole song trying to prove that you were unbothered. All teen drama aside, the biggest takeaway here is that music is 9 trillion times better when there’s drama behind it, which is why Taylor Swift is a powerhouse of writing bangpiece songs about real life things that have happened to her. Also, out of all three songs, Josh’s song is most obviously the worst. #GirlPower Did they all just play us by creating this Disney drama to get more attention to their music? It’s possible. If so, hats off to that Mickey Mouse marketing machine. But knowing how dramatic youths are these days, there’s a large probability that we just saw high school “she stole my boyfriend and I’m going to cry and write in my diary about it” play out via song IRL. And that’s your weekly installment of The Salty Ju reports what 15 year olds are talkin about this week. You’re welcome. *puts drivers license on and slowly circles the block with it blasting out the windows & tears rolling down my face*

5. DID WE MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION?!

I didn’t want to include this but being that it’s my bitchy week and there’s literally nothing else going on, why not pile on these turds as well. WHAT AN ART FORM IT IS TO PRETEND LIKE THE KARDASHIANS DO. The waterworks, the sappy Harry Styles song, the nostalgia and flashbacks and ending it with a dramatic as hell Kris Jenner saying “Did we make the right decision by walking away?” GOD, this family knows how to lay it on thick. I mean claps for them because that’s why they’re bajillionaires and I am not. But what a dog and pony show this LESS THAN A MINUTE teaser is. Now that we all know that the Kardashians will never go away and they just decided to move their 24/7 broadcast of their lives over to a paid subscription on Hulu, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube and make it seem like you came to this heart-wrenching decision to shut the cameras off forever. Cut the shit. You’ll ETERNALLY be milking your rich and fabulous lives on camera for paychecks. Dry those crocodile tears because I bet 5 minutes after this season wrapped you were bringing in a new camera crew for the reboot. AND THAT’S THE MOTHAF*CKIN’ TEA.

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