Tag Archives: Disney Plus

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/25/2021

1. No Sweet Dream.

Well this was an unwelcome surprise. My gurl Halsey is the latest to join the celebrity baby train in total oops fashion. Even though I salivate at the thought of breaking a shocking pregnancy and screenshotted the announcement to several people in hopes of scooping, I do not approve. At the time of announcement, it wasn’t public info if she even had a boyfriend. Then via this instagram, her boyfriend commented and suddenly within hours there were 900 articles deep diving into who Halsey’s baby daddy is. Here’s what I learned and I’m happy to share with you. His name is Alev Aydin, he’s 37 (Halsey is 26), he’s a Turkish screenwriter, they got matching tattoos of the word “seeds” on their feet, and according to sources “they’ve been dating for a few months.” According to sources or ACCORDING TO THE ANNOUNCEMENT THAT HE PUT A BABY IN HER? Like come on with this lazy journalism. Ya gotta be a real detective to understand that women typically announce they’re pregnant 3 months along but BREAKING NEWS they’ve been dating for three months. Anyway, here’s a picture of these two getting their rando tats together, which will last infinitely longer than this relationship. You know what’s forever? A baby. You know what’s not? A couple that makes a baby on their first date. #Science.

It may sound like I’m being a little harsh and let me make this crystal clear…I think Halsey has one of the most beautiful raspy voices of all time. I love her music, I think she’s wildly talented. I also think she’s naturally beautiful. Take all the junk away and she’s stunning. (Unfortunately she adds a lot of junk…between the tats, zany hair & makeup and trashy outfits.) That being said, I will never be on board with the ‘have babies because it’s trendy’ movement that seems to take young Hollywood by storm. You’re young and at the peak of your career, just like do your twenties and have a ball and then do the mom thing a little bit later. You have time! You can still wear matching designer duds with your child when you’re in your 30’s. I’ve been watching Real Housewives of NY from the start. These ladies were popping out kids in their 50’s (lookin at you, Cindy) and parading them around for looks then handing them off to the nannies. YOU HAVE TIME! Anyway, that’s my rant about that, which should be enough but then I saw this photo and got RE-TRIGGERED.

WHY WOULD YOU GET A TATTOO THERE?! WHy WHY WHYWHy. Halsey. Please. JUST BE NORMAL. Tattooing baby directly where your baby is living IS NOT NORMAL. Is that even legal? Can you literally buzz a needle into your skin while your baby is in there beeboppin around in fluids? Even if it is legal, I feel like the tattoo artist has a moral obligation to be like sweetie, this is going to stretch out until it’s unreadable and then shrivel back down with lumpy dumpy stretch marks. Maybe just write it in pen instead, mmmk? I double dog dare Halsey to give us an after-birth shot of this tat. Obviously I have a lot of anger about the pending oops baby (and life in general) and before I heard the news, I happened to be driving along when Nightmare came on shuffle and I’ve never performed a song harder while driving. There was head banging and screaming. So if anyone is working through some stuff like I am, might I direct you to this little ditty because nothing feels more rewarding than unbottling your rage into the “I waited a while for a moment to say I DON’T OWE YOU A G-D THING” build-up.

2. Mighty Sucks.

I debated not even doing a blog this week because it’s been the actual worst and typically when I’m real down in the dumps I can’t be funny because everything just blows. But then I started writing and went off on a tangent and now I’m basically just writing this blog so I can get my untethered rage out. This very quickly became my second therapy sesh of the week. If you’re a generally positive and upbeat person, please see yourself out. This week’s blog is not for you. If you like to scream at inanimate objects or watch the world burn, WELCOME, MY FRIEND. In my second rant of this week, this little teaseroni for the Mighty Ducks reboot came out and it SUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKS. MIGHTY. SUCKZ. (Good one, Julia. OMG I KNOW RIGHT?!) We knew it was going to suck anyway because Disney + reboots are for infants and therefore the actual generation that grew up on the Ducks flying together will not appreciate this very kid-centric series. On top of that we have Lauren Graham which seems random as hell and just from this little snippet, I was already bored with her character. I guess her son sucks at hockey and she supports him enough to start a band of yellow-bellied losers led by the biggest loser of them all, Coach Bombay. Don’t get me wrong, Coach Bombay used to be cool as hell snatchin up all the ladies, skating in a flying V and coaching a bunch of misfits to victory. But did you see him in this trailer? WOOF, DUDE. Clean it up. There’s absolutely no hope for this reboot unless we get OG cameos from Goldberg, Charlie, The Bash Bros, Kenny Wu Wu, Julie the Cat Gaffney, even stupid rich boy Adam Banks. You toss a knuckle puck and a few appearances into this and we’ll talk but otherwise I’m OUT.

3. Robin Williams is a Gem.

That weird bird Rami Malek was on the Tonight show this week and shared this tidbit about working with Robin Williams at the end of his life. Although this story did not give me chills, it did make me miss Robin Williams. I was just carrying on with my garb life not thinking about how we tragically lost Robin Williams too soon and then Jimmy and Rami have to DRUM THOSE SADS UP AGAIN. Thanks, guys. I love that Robin was the guy on set telling everyone to get off their damn phones. That checks out. Classic dad move. Hey everyone, BE PRESENT. Bet they all feel like a buncha dicks now. Anyway, related to celebrity deaths but unrelated to this story, I’ve been rewatching How I Met Your Mother as my sleepytime show and last week I hit the episode where Marshall is trying to find the best burger in NYC and Regis is featured and as soon as I saw his cherub face I remembered once again that he’s gone and it made me miss him too. I’M TOO FRAGILE FOR THIS SHIT. Miss u Robin, Miss u Rege.

4. Disney Love Triangle.

I debated about covering this for the past few weeks but it’s still playing out and now it’s just downright hilarious so since I’ve already come in hot this week with the judgment, let’s learn about the latest love triangle rocking the world of Disney. Here’s the backstory, use the above photo for visual reference. Olivia (brunette) and Josh (JT wannabe in the middle) both starred in Disney’s show “High School Musical: The Musical — The Series” (sick name – insert deep eye roll here) and it was rumored that they had a little co-star fling. Tale as old as time, duetting leads to love. Then this past summer, Josh was publicly attached to Sabrina Carpenter (known by me as the female Shawn Hunter of Girl Meets World.) This probably would’ve gone quietly into the night as nothing but Olivia dropped a song a few weeks ago called “drivers license” and the world lost their minds. Not only is it a classic breakup song that will be the “All Too Well” of her teenie bopper fans, but she has a killer voice oh and no big deal but Taylor Swift gave it a stamp of approval. Apparently inspired by Taylor, Olivia also writes her own songs drawn from personal experiences. It became very clear that this song was about Josh dropping her ass for Sabrina. Except nothing about it was malicious. There was one little line about how he left her for a blonde. That’s it. The rest was just about how much is blows to be heartbroken. Here’s the song:

If we were dealing with adults, everyone would’ve been like kewl good song. Happy 4 u. But we’re dealing with children. So a week later, that curly-headed f*ck Josh releases “Lie Lie Lie” and declares it’s about getting close to someone and then they spread lies about you. COME ON, DUDE. It’s 2021. The WERST thing you can do for your image/career/life right now is publicly call a girl a liar when all she did was write a song about how sad and heartbroken she is. Whaaaaaat a douchenozzle. I hate this guy already.

AND THEN as if that wasn’t enough… a week or two later, Sabrina releases HER response track. CLASSIC case of hitting back harder for literally no reason. Here it is:

SABRINA. You got the guy AND you were never dragged in Olivia’s song, WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THAT?! Sh-Sh-Shut your mouth. Now you look threatened & insecure as hell. “You can try to get under my skin while he’s on mine” WHAT A BITCH MOVE. I gotta go #TeamOlivia here. What a bad play. Not only is she releasing a song 100% knowing it’ll get more publicity because she’s in this little HSM threesome, but the song is rude as hell. Also important to note: it’s pretty damn catchy. I’ll give her that. Obviously there was dramatic backlash, Olivia immediately posted a video looking casj listening to Taylor Swift’s “Are You Ready For It”, Josh tried to promote both songs on his social media saying they were great but lookin like a real two-timing wiener and Sabrina released this statement:

Obviously she got under your skin, dumbass, you wrote a whole song trying to prove that you were unbothered. All teen drama aside, the biggest takeaway here is that music is 9 trillion times better when there’s drama behind it, which is why Taylor Swift is a powerhouse of writing bangpiece songs about real life things that have happened to her. Also, out of all three songs, Josh’s song is most obviously the worst. #GirlPower Did they all just play us by creating this Disney drama to get more attention to their music? It’s possible. If so, hats off to that Mickey Mouse marketing machine. But knowing how dramatic youths are these days, there’s a large probability that we just saw high school “she stole my boyfriend and I’m going to cry and write in my diary about it” play out via song IRL. And that’s your weekly installment of The Salty Ju reports what 15 year olds are talkin about this week. You’re welcome. *puts drivers license on and slowly circles the block with it blasting out the windows & tears rolling down my face*

5. DID WE MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION?!

I didn’t want to include this but being that it’s my bitchy week and there’s literally nothing else going on, why not pile on these turds as well. WHAT AN ART FORM IT IS TO PRETEND LIKE THE KARDASHIANS DO. The waterworks, the sappy Harry Styles song, the nostalgia and flashbacks and ending it with a dramatic as hell Kris Jenner saying “Did we make the right decision by walking away?” GOD, this family knows how to lay it on thick. I mean claps for them because that’s why they’re bajillionaires and I am not. But what a dog and pony show this LESS THAN A MINUTE teaser is. Now that we all know that the Kardashians will never go away and they just decided to move their 24/7 broadcast of their lives over to a paid subscription on Hulu, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube and make it seem like you came to this heart-wrenching decision to shut the cameras off forever. Cut the shit. You’ll ETERNALLY be milking your rich and fabulous lives on camera for paychecks. Dry those crocodile tears because I bet 5 minutes after this season wrapped you were bringing in a new camera crew for the reboot. AND THAT’S THE MOTHAF*CKIN’ TEA.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/22/2020

1a. Kristin Wants Bonus Points.

As someone who is a reality star and built her own brands for jewelry and clothing, Kristin is no stranger to marketing. And this post is nothing short of a marketing move. Her divorce has been a shitshow of her team basically slinging mud at Jay in the press with him not even saying a peep except for his Mother’s Day post on instagram giving her a shoutout (which we’ve yet to determine if she actually posted on his account.) He comes up looking like roses every time because he very clearly is not looking for publicity. Well, Kristin wanted a little attention as well. She wanted to stop looking like the bad guy, so she posts the above THE DAY AFTER FATHER’S DAY basically so everyone will applaud her for being a good sport. NOT ME, KRISTIN–NOT ME. I’m firmly Team Jay and I didn’t really need many reasons other than Kristin seems like a real sneaky bitch (plus I was always an LC stan anyway) and Jay seems like a real stand-up guy. But we were all #blessed with even more reasons to love Jay this week…

1b. Need All Eyes on the Chicken Serial Killer

Jay made his first ever Instagram story. As someone who probably was 24/7 filming and taking portrait photos of his wife, he didn’t really have his time to shine in the sun with content. But boy oh boy, he’s making up for that now. He has created a saga that has the whole world captivated. Someone has been murdering Jay’s chickens and he NEEDS to get to the bottom of this mystery and save his “ladies.” He has a real asshole cat (all cats are assholes and people who haven’t figured it out yet are dummies) that could be a suspect, or of course whatever wild creatures live in the backwoods of Tennessee. He promises that he’ll put a camera out and stake out in his kids treehouse to get to the bottom of this. Unfortunately for all of us waiting with baited breathe to see who is murdering these chickens in cold blood, it rained the first night and really put a damper on his watch. Night two, he got down and dirty and borrowed some night vision goggles. I don’t know how he does it, but Jay Cutler has one of the most uninterested, dry sarcastic tones, but he is captivating. I NEED to know who is ravaging his chickens and I REALLY want it to be the cat because it would prove my lifelong theory that cats are sneaky murderers. Unfortunately he has already cleared the cat and apologized to it…but I won’t rest until we have a suspect in custody. I will stay up all night with Jay checking his Instagram stories for updates until there is justice served. (This is something I’m able to do as I’m just as unemployed as Jay.) Here are just some of his updates from the past 24 hours that I so lovingly screen recorded from his Insta so that everyone can enjoy this wild chicken killer chase. Savage move by the gun company to get involved for a giveaway. Now we’re monetizing this like it’s a true crime doc and I LOVE IT. NEED more Jay in my life. How much do you think Kristin is hating this attention he’s getting and how do you think she’ll try to weasel her way into it? LMK.

 

 

2. Is Huffing Still A Thing?

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I guess it is for our little Alfalfa! Bug Hall was arrested this week in Texas for huffing. The only knowledge I have on huffing is that there was a 7th Heaven episode about it where Simon painted a mural with some kids from school and they were huffing paint cans. They all had red spray paint all over their faces and then got bloody noses. It was disgusting, Simon obviously narced on them and Annie Camden came in to lay down the law and tell everyone’s parents that their kids were ingesting fumes instead of a well-balanced diet. All was well by the end of the 45 minute episode. It was the 90’s when that aired…also when Bug Hall was best known. So apparently he got hooked on the cans in the 90’s and just never stopped? Because if you told me that people still huff today when there’s 90000 other drugs they could do that probably produce the same high, I’d tell you that you’re crazy. WHO HUFFS FROM A CAN?! Also, I would never have guessed that it’s ILLEGAL and grounds for arrest. Learn something new every day I tell ya. Bug is now 35…has children and was arrested in a hotel room full of fumey cans. As far as child star arrests go, I’d say this is pretty high on the list. That mugshot is WOOF (not as bad as Goldberg’s but really no one can top a methhead) and I am very embarrassed to admit that I once had a raging crush on Bug. My sister and I recently stumbled upon Get A Clue–the Disney Channel original with Bug and Lindsay Lohan and remembered thinking Bug was hot back in the day so we re-watched. We almost puked in our hands at our terrible taste in boys. We also couldn’t get past Lindsay’s horrific acting and pastel-tinted sunglasses she wore in school DURING THE DAY. The movie was switched off immediately and we opted for A Ring of Endless Light instead because a girl who can talk to dolphins was much more in our wheelhouse. Praying for Bug’s recovery from addiction to aerosol cans.

3. Slow Down, Demi.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CB1agbfB1qu/

I’m just looking out for my girl here and it seems like things are moving rather quickly for her in this relationship. Not long ago she released the single “I Love Me” where she basically admitted that she has no problem showering other people with love but she hates herself and she really needs to learn how to love herself first. GURL. Have you learned yet? Because that seems like a speedy turnaround time and now you’re already in a new hot serious relationship. I’m just being a friend. I would want any of my besties to keep me in check and make sure I’m good. Plus I’ve heard (through movies and TV) that addicts aren’t advised to have a relationship in their early years of recovery. I’m no expert, but I think watching a lot of TV and movies makes me one and this seems like a slippery slope. Don’t get me wrong, Max is cute, and I’m happy if my girl’s happy but COULD this just be infatuation? Cause they’re lookin REAL PDA in these photos and I’m just wondering if it’s more about the bang bang bangity bang. Just spitballin here. Also when she said “Here’s to the future baby” and didn’t use a comma I quite literally thought it was a pregnancy announcement. So, let this be a lesson to all–grammar is key and also safe sex plz because I don’t feel like this is the right time for a Demi baby. TAKE IT SLOW GIRL, LOVE YOU LOTS! Call me! Kbyeeeeeee.

4. Ms. Frizzle Comes to LIFE.

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Another idea mined from the 90’s to be recreated! Lookie lookie here! I love how everyone razzes me for how much I love 90’s pop culture and fashion, when in reality, current pop culture and fashion is obsessed with the 90’s. The Magic School Bus was LIT and anytime a teacher let us watch one of their movies instead of listening to them speak, it was like a school field trip all in itself. Ms. Frizzle was a wild teacher with crazy red hair and was like hey guys you wanna learn about this? LETS JUST FLY THE DAMN SCHOOL BUS RIGHT INTO IT! And let me be the first to say, this should stay in cartoon format. There are some things that you don’t want to see in live action 3-D and this series is one hundo percent one of them. I distinctly remember the human body episode where Frizz-nasty commandeers the bus down a kid’s throat to show everyone what germs are kicking around in his body to give him this cold. When you see germs as cartoons you’re like eh that’s kinda gross but also cool. I don’t need to see germs IRL like we’re looking under a G-D microscope. Leave that to icky science classes. Not for me. I also don’t need to see the kid have a VERY wet sneeze to get the bus out of his nose. I almost just ralphed imagining that. So once again, I’ll reiterate for those of you in the back that may not be paying attention: the 90’s were cool as hell but I’ll dictate what’s worth recreating and what’s not. Pro: Bike shorts, overalls, scrunchies, Olsen Twins & Babysitters Club. Against: The Magic School bus IRL.

5. The Chicks.

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I’m REEEEEEEEEEEALLLY reaching here but the Dixie Chicks are changing their name and dropping the Dixie because it’s racist AF, I guess. Kinda like Lady Antebellum changing their name to Lady A and then pissing off a black blues singer with the same name who has been around longer than them and pointed out that them trying to take her name is exactly what white privilege is. So, The Chicks should be a smooth transition. I’m guessing musicians are trying to keep some semblance of their original name since they’ve been around forever and have albums and merch and all these copyrights on their original name…but calling yourselves The Chicks sucks. At that point just go back to the drawing board and brainstorm a whole new name but make sure you’ve got a historian in there with you to point out what can be tied to racism. But everyone’s just scrambling and shooting from the hip nowadays when it’s literally the WORST time to scramble and shoot from the hip. These things should probably be really well thought out but who am I to judge. HAHA. Just kidding. I am me and I will judge the hardest. I haven’t quite seen what shit the Chicks are getting yet but I’ll be anticipating diving in on that. The only thing I did see was this A+ tweet that made me laugh out loud. Anything that ties back to the CLASSIC that is Saved by the Bell will always get a full-belly laugh from me.

BONUS:

@thesaltyju

Had to say a hard goodbye today 😔 #oldfaithful #cheapstraightener #goodbyemylover #frizzyhair #revlon #throwback #fyp #resteasy

♬ Only Time – Enya

Somebody please explain TikTok to me because I was producing hilarious content out the ying yang last week and it was stacks of 0 views. This week, I threw out my $17 straightener that I bought when I was 15 and learned that letting my hair air dry and then using a ConAir crimper just wasn’t going to cut it once I was a high schooler. It was an emotional ending for me as this straightener has seen the best and worst of my hair throughout the past 15 years. It was only fitting that I gave it a proper burial with Enya. I expected this to be a dud just like the rest and whatdya know I checked TikTok twenty minutes later to confirm and it had 15 likes and 152 views. SO I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO BE NOT FUNNY TO BE NOTICED ON TIKTOK. I do not understand this app, which makes sense because I do not understand today’s youths and I feel like the two go hand in hand. This jarred me and I wasn’t sure what my next TikTok should be–something that I laughed at or something I think a 12 year old would laugh at. Therefore I only churned out one TikTok this week. To be fair, I also produced a HILAR video of my dad cannonballing that I worked really hard to splice some throwback 90’s audio in for but when I showed it to him expecting praise and affirmation that I’m creative AND funny, all he told me was that he looked like a heffer and this video was never to be posted anywhere publicly. WOMp WOMPPPPpppPPPP. Thanks, DAD. Way to have BODY CONFIDENCE. Don’t be out here doing 100 cannonballs and telling me to film or boomerang them if you’re just going to scoff at your dad bod in them. So instead of posting that, I’ll post this bitchy tweet about how much I hate celebs and their lack of individuality. Have a good weekend, everyone except famous people who get internet adoration for being TOTAL PLAIN BAGELS.

 

 

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