Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Au revoir Baby Voice

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Chris Harrison: Welcome to paris, Man!

Arie: Thanks, Dude

#BROMANCE.

Something French with Lauren B.

Arie tells Lauren he was saving this date for her. Which seems like a real load of bullshit. They take a walking tour of the city (what a special date to save) and Lauren says wow a bunch of times. She is a less talkative Lauren B from Ben Higgins’ season. The B stands for boring and that’s obvious. Arie comes off a little desperate for someone who’s dating 10 other girls right now. He says he’s looking for reassurance from Lauren that she likes him. He can’t stop repeating in different variations that he has a boner for her but there’s not a lot of brain activity happening up top.

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At dinner, Lauren confesses that she friend zones everyone and doesn’t feel like she can open up until she trusts someone. So like this certainly is not the show for her. Arie in turn confesses that he knocked up his last serious girlfriend. She lost the baby and left him all at the same time. For once, Lauren B reacts with something other than “wow.” Kind of an unexpected turn of events to slip that story in there, Arie. The shocking story helps Lauren to open up a little more and therefore get rosed.

Let’s Get All Dressed Up with Becca, Bekah, Seinne, Tia, Jenna & Chelsea

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It’s this season’s choreography date where the dancers crush it and the awkward birds (like me) look like spazzoids and probably cry about it! Good thing the Bachelor doesn’t allow fatties to participate because the girls all suit up in two piece bedazzled thongs for the Moulin Rouge main act. Black boxes GALORE covering up all these bholes. After Arie inspects each individual buhhole strutting across the stage, he hangs with all the girls before announcing which HPOA gets the rose and stage time. It’s Bekah, you know the one whose known to not call her mom and end up on a missing persons list? She sobs it up like an itty bitty baby. A missing one, at that. In a brutal turn of events, all of the rejects have to watch Bekah shake her 22-year-old T&A all over Arie from the audience.

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We’ll Always Have Paris with Kendall & Krystal

This is what happens when you only have one villain for a two on one date. We get the most random match up ever. Arie goes into the giant maze and whichever girl finds him first gets time with him. What a tactic. I for one would’ve just left right there. One time I did a corn maze with my friend that was set up for children and we were in there for hours freaking out that we may never resurface again. The sun was starting to set. There might have been tears and a whole lot of panic. When we finally emerged at dusk, the smartass teenager running it ROASTED us in front of everyone and basically told us we were mentally challenged. So yeah, if any man asked me to find him in a maze I’d chuck up my deuces immediately. Lucky for Kendall, who ends up back at the beginning, a PA steers her in the right direction and she’s found Arie by the time the commercial break is over.

Krystal blubbers a whole lot of um’s to Arie about how they’re connecting and working through a challenge then uses her remaining time to say Kendall shouldn’t be there and isn’t ready for love. In typical 2 on 1 date fashion, Arie then repeats this verbatim to Kendall to see how she’ll handle it. She holds her own then tries to kill Krystal with kindness after and tell her that she understands her and sees the beauty within her. It’s super weird and gives me all the uncomfies. Probably because Kendall literally scoots closer to touch Krystal’s arm while that little baby porny voiced B stares up at the sky with dead eyes. It’s not a part of her snakey script so she cannot comprehend what’s happening.

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The date is extended to dinner because Arie can’t decide. He finally gives Kendall the rose because he “sees more promise in their relationship.” YOU GOT SERVED, KRYSTAL. BOOYAH. Her fake ass monologue about wanting to feel accepted and good enough plays in between cuts of Kendall and Arie watching the Eiffel Tower light show and jamming their tongues down each other’s throats. Again, not to brag but I knew Krystal had one more week left in her before she was tossed. It’s like this show is scripted or something. HMMMMM.

Let’s Meet Jaqueline for the first time before she probably gets sent home…

We are mere seconds into the date and the one whose studying to get her PHD SAYS THIS?! RLY?! “It is hot when guys who know things about things, do things about things.” Arie buys Jacqueline a fancy dress to wear to their dinner date where he admits that she’s far too intelligent for him. HEY GIRL, THAT’S A RED FLAG. ARIE IS DUMB. AND INTIMIDATED BY YOUR SMARTNESS. AND WANTS A GIRL TO MOVE TO LA WITH AND PROMOTE SHIT ON INSTAGRAM. When J-Dawg talks about her 6 year plan of getting her PHD, Arie tells her that he feels like he’s holding her back. She then quickly offers to do whatever in order to date him. And this is a role model for you, ladies! Dream, schreams, if a guy chooses you, that’s all that matters! Woof this date is cringeworthy, especially when Arie gives her the rose and says they’ll figure it out. Start researching Fit Tea!

Roses: Lauren, Bekah, Kendall, Jaqueline, Tia, Seinne, Becca

Guess Arie doesn’t want to be a dad, see ya Chelsea! Next up, Tuscany!

PS The editing team tries to throw one hell of a sizzle reel together to fake us all out into believing that this show might actually get interesting this season. I’m gonna go ahead and spoil it for you, it won’t.

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Pop Culture, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2017 Edition

Here we are. The third edition of my cheesy holiday movies blog where I sacrifice my time to watch ALL of the made for TV classics. Since last year’s installment was never published due to running out of time/maybe a little bit of holiday laziness, I’ve combined movies past and present. It doesn’t really matter anyway, Hallmark, Lifetime, Ion and UP basically play a 24/7 rotation of original movies dating back to 2007 all December long so you really can’t go wrong. Feel free to scroll through my recommendations and laugh at the terrible acting and unrealistic relationship storylines to prepare for the most joyous holiday of the year. Because if Hallmark has taught me anything, it’s that Christmas is the time to reflect on your life and also to marry someone you’ve been on two dates with.

WATCH:

Christmas Cookies, Hallmark

christmas cookies

“Christmas is what you make it, or bake it!”

Hannah works for a big company, travels to a town called Cookie Jar. No, seriously. Cookie Jar…and has to learn about the cookie factory their town with a dumbass name was built upon because her boss is going to franchise it or something. There’s a kid in it, which is always a hard no for me but besides her screech worthy singing at the tree lighting, she’s not terrible. Also a key side character: a meddling troutsniffer named Betty who immediately tries to marry Hannah off and make her a permanent resident of Cookie Jar, as old people in Hallmark movies tend to do.

Bonus Points: Hannah’s square of a boyfriend introducing himself as her “significant other” and then proposing. Also the lead (and real love interest) is a babe soda.

A December Bride, Hallmark

decemberbride

It’s pretty much scientific fact that any Hally with Bride or Wedding in the title is going to be an automatic homerun. (Snow Bride & A Bride for Christmas are both HOF’ers.) There’s just something about marrying the guy you just met at Christmas that resonates with America. This one is obviously no different. Layla’s ex-boyfriend marries her cousin on Christmas EVEN THOUGH THEY BOTH KNEW THAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED A CHRISTMAS WEDDING. What a couple of turds. Layla reacts perfectly by wearing a skanktastic dress to their wedding and pretending to be engaged to her ex’s best friend. After debuting their fresh relationship at the wedding, it may strike you as unrealistic that 30 seconds later when they say they’re actually engaged, all their family and friends are like yes ok this makes sense–congrats!!! She decorates his house to get ahead in her career and he’s like I always loved you anyway so let’s get married for real.

Bonus Points: turning Seth’s (Daniel Lissing) attempts at doing an American accent into a drinking game. Watching the moment when Layla gets hired by a big wig and hugs him in a backless dress. As my sister so nicely put it “I could hear the skin to skin contact from my couch.”

Christmas in Homestead, Hallmark

homestead

Full discloszh there’s a kid in this one but also there’s a two for one love story combo deal. Choose your battles. Jessica is a movie star filming a movie in, wait for it, a small town called Homestead. Matt is the mayor and thinks Jessica is a real twat of a celebrity until he gets to know her and they do Christmas things together with his daughter. Matt’s sister falls in love with a paparazzi who then publishes a scandalous pic of Matt and Jessica not even kissing and he basically ruins everything. Except not really because Jessica suddenly becomes a better actress, changes the ending of her movie and decides to stop being such a princess. SMALL TOWN LIFE AT CHRISTMAS CURED HER!!!! IT’S A MIRACLE. Unfortunately, paparazzi love didn’t work out the same way. Boohoo.

A Dream of Christmas, Hallmark

a dream of christmas

I didn’t see a whole lot of movies where Santa grants a wish, so this one will have to fill our quota for this year. Penny has a hot husband and a kickass job and for some ridiculous reason wishes that she didn’t? I don’t know. I’m not exactly clear on why she would ever utter the words I don’t want to be married when she is married to this:

andrewwalker

But regardless, she wakes up single as a bird and an executive in her company. Lo and behold she discovers that not having Stu in her life sucks the big one and she wants to do a little reverse, reverse on her Christmas wish.

Bonus Points: Andrew Walker. Seriously, this guy is Hallmark gold. What a piece of eye candy.

My Christmas Love, Hallmark

my christmas love

This movie was almost unbearable due to the lead actresses’ high pitched and overly excited voice. I say almost because she had a SLEW of hot ex boyfriends that all pop up multiple times and it kept me hooked. Cynthia’s cross to bear is that she thinks every guy she dates should want to marry her and do big romantic gestures always. So when someone orders the 12 days of Christmas in gift form to be delivered to her house, she assumes it’s for her which is selfish AF and starts chasing down exes to find out who she needs to marry. Turns out her hot coworker who came home with her for the holidays doesn’t love Cin being such a thirsty bitch because he’s in love with her of course. She embarrasses herself a lot, but no more than when she wears a plaid mini skirt and knee high boots to a date with her high school sweetheart. Clean it up, Cynthia.

Bonus Points: a final choreographed dance number and Cynthia feeling like a REAL self-centered B when it’s revealed who ordered the gifts.

The Christmas Cottage, Hallmark

christmas cottage

This is your VERY basic, cookie-cutter Hally. The old flame, the douchey work-focused boyfriend, hokey Christmas magic, and two attractive leads. I mean, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, amirite? I’ll be the first to admit that I’m putting this on the watch list mostly because of the female lead, who I’ve had a hardcore girl boner for ever since she was on season 1 of The Royals. I mean, seriously. Babe alert.

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Either way, here’s the deal…Ean (dumbest spelling of that name ever) and Lacey were childhood sweethearts who broke up because Ean wanted to travel the world and be a kewl chef and Lacey just wanted to design shit 24/7. They’re reunited for his sister’s wedding at the MAGICAL family Christmas cottage and wouldn’t you know, one snowflake falls to the ground so obviously it’s a state of emergency and the roads are closed, leaving them to talk it out and relive old Xmas memz during a forced sleepover at the cottage. Lacey’s boyfriend is wearing a suit every time she facetimes him so obviously we don’t feel bad when she inevitably dumps him for her old BF. Because whoever steps foot inside the Christmas Cottage, leaves with their forever love and that seems PRETTY OBVIOUS.

Bonus Points: Lacey’s BFF and Ean’s sister being the most overbearing, pushy chick on this earth and also sipping hot chocolate inside by the fire with a full winter coat on and a blanket.

Snowed Inn, Lifetime

snowed inn

“Have you ever been in love? Does Kelly Kapowski count?”

Much like the previous Christmas Cottage, this is a no frills holiday movie. Jenna and Kevin are both assigned to a writing job in Aspen but have a detour by way of a town called Santa Clause. Of course. Because who doesn’t get approached at the airport by a couple that looks like Santa and Mrs. Clause, asking if they want to stay at their Inn. They’re both competitive and terrified of love but they discover the magic of Christmas AND co write an article together. NOTHING LIKE SANTA’S MAGIC, YA FILTY ANIMALS. Of course it wouldn’t be a movie without a douchy boyfriend that can’t take a hint and Jenna’s ex trolloping into town and proposing to her after admitting he’s never read one of her articles was claaaaassic.

Bonus Points: Santa and Mrs. Clause rigging the whole thing. Those rascals. Also one year later we get a callback to the inn, proposal by way of article and BAM, wedding. All in the span of 5 minutes. Gotta love it. My only bone to pick is that Bethany Joy Lenz promoted this movie tirelessly on her instagram as a funny movie and I didn’t crack a smile once.

Switched for Christmas, Hallmark

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WHAT a fresh premise for Hallmark…TWINZ at Christmas!!! Not since The Parent Trap have I seen an actress play double so flawlessly, and obviously the honor could go to none other than Hallmark Queen CCB. Chris and Kate are identical twins and they decide to pull the ole switcharoo at Christmas. Obviously they each fall in love with someone while pretending to be the other, which makes for some ZANY hijinx…in particular a scene at the Christmas carnival where they just confusingly say each other’s names for 10 minutes trying to guess who each person was. Chris? Kate. Greg?

Bonus Points: When Chris (or maybe Kate?) is legitimately shocked that her dad knows who she is. She’s like DAD HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?! Hey dummy, this guy created you, I think he can tell his own daughters apart with one glance.

SKIP:

The Mistletoe Promise, Hallmark

mistletoe promise

This movie right here almost ended a very healthy and loving relationship with my sister. We have a system every year where she buzzes through her DVR’ed Hally’s much faster than I do and therefore gives me a thumbs up or thumbs down for what ones to watch. When I questioned her about this one she gave me the thumbs up and I’ve never been angrier. It was SO bad that I fell asleep during the middle of it, still committed to finishing it and when my dad caught a few minutes he had to physically leave the room. This is the same dad that tolerates Teen Mom OG with me, so now you have a barometer of how terrible this movie was. Obviously Elise and Nicholas decide to fake date for the holidays BUT they’ve both had traumatic Christmases past and are scarred for life, which leads to an uncomfortable amount of emotional moments for two people who barely know each other. The cheesy moments far outweigh anything salvageable about this movie. Elise has a teary breakdown at one point where she suddenly develops a British accent. They awkwardly sing carols at each other in lieu of flirting. The list of worsts goes on and on.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: When Nick is at his corporate holiday party and decides to confess the relationship is a sham so he then begins his life story with “It was autumn…” This was the exact moment I almost took a dull knife to my skull and my father stormed out of the room.

Snowmance, Ion

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A girl wishes for love by Christmas (giving herself less than 15 days) and uses her dead mom’s scarf to magically bring a snowman to life and start dating him. No, but actually, this guy knocks on her door one day and his name is Cole…and he is a snowman come to life.

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At one point he does something dumb AF and says “Gee, I must have a head full of snow.” GTFO of here, Ion. I mean I try to give Ion a chance because it gave me one of my holiday favorites, “A Christmas Kiss II” but like cut the shit with this premise. I finally had to change the channel because I couldn’t possibly watch a woman travel to Paris with a snowman and think they were going to get married. But as you might have predicted, she ends up with her ginger BFF whose been building snowmen with her every year and lusting the hardest. Also, because he is a real human.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: The fact that a guy is willing to get friend zoned for a solid 15 years and watch the love of his life date a snowman. AKA THE WHOLE MOVIE.

Christmas Next Door, Hallmark

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“You don’t write romance novels…I’d rather LIVE ONE.”

Eric is an author of single guy books and his family tricks him into taking his niece and nephew for Christmas so he stops being such a grumpy, slicked hair dick. His neighbor April obviously loves Christmas and is all OMGEE let me show you the holiday spirit. It’s touch and go for a minute because Eric hates Christmas due to being robbed and having his proposal rejected on the merry day in the past. He gets over that real quick when he hears April practicing her violin and creams his jeans. Literally. This movie would be fine except that there were WAY too many things that drove me bananas and I will obviously point them all out now. I know production budgets are usually low but whatever substance they used as snow was constantly all over everyone’s boots and up to their eyeballs. As a Northeaster whose lived through many blizzards I CALL BULLSHIT. You don’t get snow stuck to your kneecaps just from caroling. Also the kids in this are annoying AF and can’t stay in character for shit. See if you two little rascals get hired for another Hally. DUBZ ALSO, they legitimately allowed this outfit to occur.

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I swear to God I thought he was naked for a solid ten minutes. WHO CHOSE THIS SWEATER COLOR?!

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: After all of that garbage, Eric gets a book deal and shouts BOOM SHAKALAKA with his agent as they high five. Goodnight.

Christmas in Mississippi, Lifetime

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I’m gonna be honest, I kept calling this a Tennessee Christmas and only wanted to watch it for a little OTH nostalgia with Jana Kramer. I also tried twice and never made it through to the end. Not a whole lot of spark in this movie. But anyway, Holly comes home and helps out with the annual Christmas light show, which OBVIOUSLY her ex boyfriend Mike is running. She’s butthurt because he dumped her when he was supposed to follow her to college. They rekindle, as all old flames do in the spirit of Christmas and you know the rest.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: When she sees Mike hug a girl who is engaged and then tries to homewreck her wedding by telling said girl that her fiancee has been unfaithful without knowing who this bitch’s fiancee actually is. OOPSIE. LOL. As if there would ever be an interracial marriage in a deep south town called Gulfport anyway. Get your head out of your ass, Holly.

A Christmas Prince, Netflix

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Everyone’s salivating over this movie because Netflix is now dipping their toe in the holiday move pool. And you know what? I don’t support it. Mostly because they’re throwing shade at their viewers. You can’t create a cheezebomb holiday movie to play into the stereotype and get ratings, then call women sad for watching it. SHAME ON YOU, NETFLIX. Props to Lifetime for clapping back. This is the true reason for the season.

Anyway, I’m not only bitter, I also just plain thought this movie sucked. I couldn’t get through it to be honest. As all royal holiday movies go, an American reporter is assigned a story on a prince in a made up country. She ends up getting in with the fam posing as the little sister’s tutor and then SEES THE REAL PRINCE and FALLS IN LOVE and can’t possibly write a bad story about him. They really tug at the heartstrings by tossing a disabled child in the storyline but like it’s still not enough to save this flick. Mostly because I don’t think the prince is attractive AT AWL.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: Amber goes for a solo horse ride in a countryside that she doesn’t know at all and obviously the horse freaks out and leaves her alone in the snow with a casual pack of wolves before Prince Richard saves her. Yeah, ok.

Four Christmases and a Wedding, Lifetime

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This movie had all the potential in the world with some Grade A holiday movie actors but the storyline was fiery hot garbage. Chloe meets Evan before Christmas one year and is like omg he’s the one but then he goes to work overseas and for the next THREE CHRISTMASES, they are dating other people or just keep missing each other before they figure their shit out. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Fall in love in the duration of one Christmas or get the hell off of my screen.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: The “meet cute” of Chloe being a spazzeroni and falling on ice skates into Evan. That’s probably what doomed their relationship to 3 very stressful Christmases. Jus Sayin.

 

Editor’s Note: It goes without saying (but my dad questioned why this was missing) any holiday movie past, present, or future starring Alicia Witt will forever and always belong on the skip list because her acting is straight dumpster fire quality. If you choose to watch a movie with her as the lead, I do not trust you as a human. The End.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Buncha Baby Bitches

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GET MY NAME OUTCHA MOUF. Okay we’re all caught up from two weeks ago. We pick up at the rose ceremony again where Eric is shouting at everyone and stuff. Lee interrupted Kenny and hovered like a real creep so that he could tell her his grandpa got cancer and gift Rachel with a block of wood. The other guys confuse the word quirk and cork. Classic mix-up. Kenny and Lee argue about how they’re no longer boys because boys don’t interrupt each other to give their girl a stray block from life-size Jenga. Rachel overhears and excuses herself to go cry because there’s too much pressure on her. (Ahem, as the first black bachelorette.) She’s #done with this shit. And as everyone knows, when the bachelorette has a breakdown and clicks her heels three times, Chris Harrison will appear to make it all better. Or he’ll just gather the gang to tell them that Rachel is hella mad and wants to start sending bitches home, STAT. I think we can all agree that cocktail hour went on long enough anyway.

Rose Ceremony: Anthony, Alex, Eric, Will, Dean, Jonathan, Peter, Adam, Bryan, Matt, Josiah, Jack, Iggy, Kenny, Lee

Our Love is About to Take Off with Dean

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Rachel and the boys head to Hilton Head Island down in South Carolina. Number one vacation spot for bougie families with small children. Cue the commercial with drone shots of the beaches and quaint southern buildings. THIS IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO FALL IN LOOOOOVEEE. Or ride in a minivan for 14 hours with your siblings and cousins to visit during school spring break. Either way, either way’s fine. Anywho, Dean is afraid of heights and apparently is SHOCKED that a date called “our love is about to take off” includes flying. COME ON, DEAN. They cruise around in a blimp because Rachel used to call blimps, “bimps”. I guess? I don’t know. I didn’t even know people could ride in a blimp. What’s romantic about charging through the sky in a chode shaped Goodyear advertisement? Nothing, I tell you. They fly the blimp by the hotel to brag. Total douche move. Eric obv takes it personally. Later on, Dean talks about his mom dying of cancer and it’s literally heartbreaking. Like why is it necessary to have these talks? He talks about his mom telling him she wouldn’t be coming home and I think I speak for everyone when I say I was choking back sobs. He gets a rose. They hit up a Russell Dickerson concert. Whoever that is. JK I’ll stop being a dick. His song was actually really good. Dean and Rachel slow dance and make out in front of everyone, duh!

I Want to See Who’s Ready for Commitment with Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will & Josiah

Rachel invites everyone on a yacht to embarrass themselves, essentially. The boys pop their tops off and immediately form a dance circle like Get Low just came on at the 8th grade dance. This awkward take turns doing shitty dance moves quickly morphs into a little rap sesh. Peter raps and it makes me want to cringe away forever and die. Suddenly, we go from a Diddy music video to a spelling bee hosted by Chris Harrison and judged by preteen girls. What a spin move.

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Apparently Rachel wants someone who can pop their pecs AND spell dirty words because the first word is squirt. SERIOUSLY?! On what planet has anyone ever said that they like a squirt of lime in their tequila? A SQUIRT? Props to Rachel for being far more mature than I will ever be (it’s not that hard) reading that sentence with a straight face. Kenny tells everyone he’s ready to show he has brains then promptly spells champagne wrong. Lolerz. “PHYSDE” is how Eric spelled Façade. Let that sink in. Josiah is the champ and his second to last word was stunning so clearly this whole thing was a downright scam. Stunning is round 1 shit. ROUND ONE. I should know, I won my 4th grade spelling bee, nbd but HBD, yo. I was a much more graceful winner than Josiah. As in, I didn’t tongue my trophy in front of everyone.

At the after party, Josiah drinks out of his trophy like the giant wiener that he is. Peter and Rachel talk about if they would move for each other and conveniently Rachel is licensed to practice law in Wisconsin. Hmmmm. Interesting. Iggy uses his Rachel time to say that Josiah isn’t real. Cause Iggy was put on this show to narc on everyone else and call it “being protective.” He immediately tells Josiah and everyone is like hey Iggy, you’re a big tattletale and no one likes you. The Lee vs. Kenny thang continues when Rachel asks each of them what happened and Lee lies like the capital R racist that he is. This shit is to be continued, natch and next week is two episodes of garbage instead of your regular scheduled programming of just one. Don’t you dare let the previews fool you into thinking that Kenny gets punched though. I’ve fallen for that trick one too many times and I’m putting my foot ALL THE WAY DOWN. ALL THE WAY. Every single season they flash some injury and tease a fight that never happens and I drink that kool aid like nobody’s biz. Well, not this year. After Carly’s fake black eye and the mirage of Chad throwing torsos in the pool, I’m OUT. Kenny either gets this injury from an activity or causes it himself because I REFUSE to step into the OBVIOUS trap that Lee the honkey can ever get a right hook on Kenny the pro wrestler that would cause that much damage. But damnit I’ll be popping a bag of popcorn in case I’m wrong. I’m like never wrong though. Honestly.

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Television

Fall 2016 TV Premiere Guide

I typically like to try a few new shows each year to see if any are worthy of adding to my very diverse TV watching portfolio. This year seems a little light on the pilot content, probably because network TV is on the decline while it competes with online streaming services, but nevertheless, I still dedicated a whole Sunday to watching all of the new series that premiered last week. Keep reading for my opinions of what shows deserve a chance and what ones to skip.

WATCH:

Designated Survivor

designatedsurvivorabc

Wednesdays, 10P, ABC

As the new political series, this one hits A LITTLE close to home, so I can understand some people not wanting to watch. It follows Kiefer Sutherland, a secretary of urban development or something bottom rung in D.C. getting fired and then a mere 7 hours later being sworn in as President after a terrorist attack wipes out like everyone important in government. Due to the fact that our current election very closely resembles an SNL skit and ISIS is bombing cities left and right, this “fictional” show following a very likely story line is not for everyone. Judging by the pilot alone, which was quick-paced and interesting, I approve and will probably give it a chance.

This Is Us

thisisusnbc

Tuesdays, 10P, NBC

I was sold on this just by seeing Milo & Mandy at the helm, and then was even more hooked once I kept seeing everyone gushing over the SURPRISE TWIST. I will not spoil aforementioned twist, but it is quite unexpected and due to this change of page for a TV show format, I’m intrigued and put aside my conflict with shows that make me ugly cry to commit to this series. Plus, they really know how to make a lady blush by giving us a taste of Milo’s bare ass within the first ten minutes of the pilot. Bonus points for man meat mixed in with the inevitable case of the sads.

milogifthisisus

Notorious

notoriousabc

Thursdays, 9P, ABC

The first episode starts with a bang. Literally. Two people having sex in an office. That’s immediately followed by another character in the show about to have sex in HER office with a shirtless guy grilling and making dirty meat innuendos. This show is primetime T-rash and I support it wholeheartedly. I guess the premise of the show is the drama of a gossip news show and the secrets and backstabbing that occurs in order to produce it. All I know is that there are babes and scandal and murder and I’ve got all hands on deck.

SKIP:

Kevin Can Wait

kevincanwaitcbs

Mondays, 830P, CBS

If it wasn’t obvious, this show is King of Queens with kids. Kevin James plays a cop who has just retired and makes a lot of food/fat jokes. The end.

Bull

bullcbs

Tuesdays, 9P, CBS

A crime drama that I was so bored with in the first 10 minutes that I completely tuned out. Dr. Bull is Michael Weatherly so he’s obv super attractive and charismatic but I don’t really feel that he brings much else to the table. Other than of course PULLING OFF those dark frames. He’s not even a lawyer; he does something with the jury and is supposed to be super analytical. At one point he was imagining people speaking in court when they really weren’t and it was supes confusing. In breaking news I may be too dumb for this show.

Speechless

speechlessabc

Wednesdays, 830P, ABC

A bajillion sitcoms premiere every year and most of them end up cancelled before the first season ends, so I get that they’re trying to keep the format fresh but a plot about a family with a handicapped kid doesn’t really translate to LOL’s for me. Plus, the whole thing how I hate kids kind of cancels out a show all about middle school kids.

The Good Place

thegoodplacenbc

Thursdays, 830P, NBC

Kristen Bell is Eleanor who after death ended up in heaven but they made a mistake because she was actually a real asshole her whole life. Every time she does something turd-ish, the whole place gets punished so she has to try to hide that she should actually be burning in the pits of hell. Previews for this looked like dust but Mike Schur created it and he also created Parks & Rec so I had to give it a shot. So despite the fact that, “Do you have a second to eat my farts?” made me laugh out loud like a child, the show still stinks, much like a bunch of farts. Also if you’re not allowed to swear in heaven then you can COUNT ME OUT, BITCHES.

Pitch

pitchfox

Thursdays, 9P, FOX

In lazy fashion, I didn’t even watch this one for myself but my family saw the premiere (from a baseball dugout, VIP style) and they told me not to bother. This probably isn’t the best stance to take on a show that’s highlighting the first female major league baseball player but whatevz. According to the G-Man, TV critic extraordinaire “It was completely unrealistic and very predictable.” Those are some fightin’ words for Pitch, and teaches us all a lesson that not every show that Mark Paul Gosselaar is in can be a hit. In unrelated news…MPG and Michael Weatherly look SUH much alike.

Bull

The Paley Center For Media's PaleyFest 2015 Fall TV Preview - NBC

 

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Television

Fresh TV Recommendations

I don’t know if you’ve heard but I watch a lot of TV. My dependence on TV is so serious that when my cable wasn’t working for a week in college I called my dad every single day to cry about it until it was fixed. I was only receiving the God channel that plays actual church 24/7. Yeah it was probably a sign but I refused to accept it. Anyway, since there is unlimited amounts of new shows every few months, I try to expand my palette and I’ve decided to share my findings. From downright trashy to somewhat critically acclaimed, hopefully there’s something for everyone here. Binge away! (Note: Some shows have yet to premiere, but I took it upon myself to recommend them anyway, because I do what I want.)

1. Hindsight, VH1-Wednesdays 10P

hindsight Obviously VH1 is not the most esteemed TV network what with their Love & Hip Hop or Basketball Wives or whatever, but they’re trying to get into the scripted TV game and all they really needed to do was start running ads with 90’s music and they had me hooked. This show has a flashback premise, so if you only watch realistic shows it’s probably not for you. Becca (Olivia from She’s the Man) is about to get married for the 2nd time in present day and she’s like hey maybe I’m making the wrong decision and she gets in an elevator and suddenly she’s back in 1995 on the eve of her first wedding and great news she gets to relive her 20’s again and make better decisions this time. There’s a lot of love triangles, Ace of Base and hiiiiideous 90’s fashion, which makes it pretty awesome. Also, great news it just got renewed for season 2, so catch up now and immerse yourself in the velvet and overalls. Sway Factor(s): Hot men (if you’re into that sort of thing) and black chokers. andy jamie Screen shot 2015-03-17 at 9.45.41 PM sean Screen shot 2015-03-17 at 9.46.13 PM

2. Empire, Fox-Wednesdays 9P

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This is more on the critically acclaimed side of things because it’s actually getting good reviews and has a lot of star power behind it. Basically it’s about the Lyon family, who is a full-on hot mess and how they run their successful Hip Hop/R&B record label. Lucious Lyon is the head and a real D-bag, also former rapper/singer and his three sons or heirs to the throne are varying degrees of spoiled dicks. His ex-wife and part founder of Empire, Cookie, just got released from jail after 17 years from dealing drugs and she’s back to tear shit up and be a general sassternaut. Essentially this is the urban version of Nashville, except it doesn’t have tired story lines yet. There’s some drug stuff, and some murdering stuff and some music stuff, ya heard? Sway Factor(s): There’s an actual song that youngest Lyon raps with the chorus “She make that thang go Drip drop, drip drippity drop.” I’ll let you use your imagination to figure that one out. Season Finale is this week but that gives you all summer to catch up before season 2. Also you get to see Cookie wear some of the SASSIEST outfits of anyone on TV ever and lay down some great one liners. leopard 9-Ways-Taraji-Slayed-As-Cookie-Lyon-On-Empire-feat Empire tumblr_nix9afQ2tY1u80fa2o4_400

3. Lip Sync Battle, Spike-Premieres April 2nd 10P

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As you probably know from my JUice a month or so ago, once they announced that the host of this show was going to be LL Cool J, I really wanted to hate all over it. They took a sacred Fallon sketch and turned it into a show with a washed up Kangol aficionado hosting. But damnit, I’m going back on my word because it actually looks entertaining. They released some teaser trailers and clips for it and now I feel like it might be must-see TV. Fallon makes some appearances and apparently Chrissy Teigen is just a fly girl on the sides or something? All I know is that I’m in. Sway Factor: There’s props and costumes.

4. The Grace Helbig Show, E!-Premieres April 3rd 10:30P

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Grace Helbig started out on Youtube with quick webisodes about goofy shit and after watching a few of them here and there I feel like her new show will be fab, which is why I’m raving about it before it has even started. I’m sure this is E!’s attempt to fill the void that Chelsea Handler left behind but regardless, I think we can all agree that E! needs to clean up the huge dumpster fire that Fashion Police created for them. Grace is awkward and silly and makes a lot of inapprops poop jokes. I think you can quickly assume why I love her. Her book released this year entitled, “Grace’s Guide: The Art of Pretending to be a Grown-Up” is a fun read and she gives some great advice. Case in point, her advice for first dates is to never eat something that would upset your stomach… “Let your personality be explosive, not your butthole.” I think she’ll make for GREAT television. Sway Factor: IT’S NOT THE KARDASHIANS.

5. Marry Me, NBC (Pretty much already cancelled)

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I’m throwing you for a quick loop here by adding in a show that most certainly will not survive past it’s first season, in fact it was basically already edged off the air. I’m doing this because A. if you were a fan of Happy Endings you’ll appreciate it and B. it has witty writing and if you watch it you’ll probably learn some cool new abbrevs. It’s basically Penny from Happy Endings but with a guy who can tolerate her. They’re engaged and living together and have a bunch of weird friends. Plus now we have a sitcom to round out my list of shows to check out. (I’m totally mailing it in, it was really hard to think of a 5th show, judge me, I dare you.) Anywho, the first handful of episodes from this show were actually very funny and although it went downhill real quick maybe it will feed your Happy Endings-less nostalgia.

Sway Factor: The return of DRAMA Derek & hip pop culture references, kick ass relationship goals:

“Annie: Hey bae. Jake: Is bae really that much shorter than babe? It’s literally the same amount of syllables. Annie: But that extra “b” makes my mouth so tired.”

Marry Me

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BONUS: The Royals, E!-Sundays 10P

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Although I haven’t watched this yet and it is sure to be appointment trash television, I felt obliged to add it to the list because Marc Schwann is the creator and if this show is half as fantastic as One Tree Hill, it’ll be very entertaining. Plus, Brits <3. Good news is that the series premiere was just last Sunday so not a lot of catching up necessary.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap-“I’m Coming Home To You”

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Welcome back, Nashies. Remember how they promoted the fake CMA’s tirelessly? Yeah we get another week of that apparently…they’re really milking this. Thanks for the tease, ABC. This episode starts out with a 2 months later time stamp. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that they did this JUST so they could show an actually IRL (in real life) pregnant Juliette Barnes/Hayden Panettiere and stop assuming their viewers are a bunch of dum dums who think she’s just gained some face weight. On the subject of Juliette, her and Avery have transitioned from hating each other to a bickering dysfunctional couple preparing for a baby. It seems each week we’re going to start with Avery delivering zingers to Juliette and slowly warming up to her by the end of the episode. (Until they’re inevitably back together, just in time for baby’s arrival). This week’s installment started with Juliette reminding Avery that they had sex to make this baby and him replying, “Well all we’re having now is a baby” in front of the super uncomfy doctor. Burn baby burn. But then slowly but surely Avery bought the top of the line crib (this baby will be a superstar after all) and agreed to lamaze classes at the end and–cue cliche baby moment– feels the baby kick. Also the Nashville twitter account took it upon themselves to refer to Nashville’s future Blue Ivy as “Javery’s” baby and I vomited all over the place. WHEN WILL IT END?!

Speaking of puke, in two months time, Gunnar, Zoey and Micah became a little domestic happy family of uncommon names, right down to father and son playing catch in the yard and stepmommy Zoey yelling out that dinner’s ready. We obviously soon learn that Zoey hates being a housewife and is still thirsty for fame, while boyfriend of the year Gunnar doesn’t think she’s mad about it because “she hasn’t complained”. It’s all in the eyes, Gunnar, all in the eyes. Micah’s actual mom wins mom of the year by immediately shoving her son off on Gunnar and Zoey in pursuit of a boyfriend. Let this be a lesson, don’t let your kids get in your way of your dreams. Quick observation: every time Gunnar hugs ANYONE, I expect to see Zoey peering out from around the corner with crazy eyes. These two (now three) have a bright future.

Another bright future coming our way is the new and improved Layla Grant. Apparently in her two month break she put down the mini bottles and decided to channel her anger into some new tunes. The debut of her quiet Bambi-like personality raised a few red flags with me that it was just a scheme but it seemed to hold up and she got out of her own way to write a decent song that everyone, including her closeted husband, was a little too surprised at. Yikes, Layla, even your friends thought you sucked. We got to see a peaceful Will and Layla for about half of the episode until they attend the premiere of their reality show “Love and Country”. Apparently dumb and dumber are the only two young people in America who don’t know how reality shows work. Reality shows are for showing excessive and unnecessary drama for ratings and this one really delivered. If it were a real show I’d totes watch it. Apparently we’re far removed enough from the Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica days to be completely copying it because they made Layla into Jessica Simpson 2.0. For the record, there was a laugh track to her trying to use a can opener (for chicken or tuna?) and I object. I know firsthand how hard can openers are to use, having broken every one I’ve ever touched and almost needing a tetanus shot last year after resorting to a butcher knife. I stand by Layla on this one. SHIT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

You know what else is impossible? Juggling the cover of Rolling Stone magazine and family bonding time. (Feel free to start giving me awards for these smooth transitions). Rayna pouts this episode that decisions are the woooorst as she chooses fame over QT. Dramatic sigh. A nosy reporter follows her around all weekend as she makes wedding plans with Luke and he finally shows some emotion–he’s horny, guys. There are about 4 instances when Luke brings it to our attention that they’ve been apart for a LOOOONGG time. Even an ode to long distance sex when he says Skype just isn’t the same. Finally Rayna gives him the sassy one-finger gesture (…the one moms give to their annoying kids to tell them to wait quietly) and Luke loses his SHIT. Uh, uh honey. He exclaims in the parking lot “WE HAVEN’T EVEN HELD HANDS!!” We get it Luke, you need to bone…stat. They probably would’ve gotten down to biz but they were sidetracked by finding their kids macking it in the dark on the couch, with reporter in tow. EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT, A-LIST INCEST. Calm down guys, Colt defends it, “we were just making out, it’s NBD.” We can clearly see why he’s so irresistible. Maddie’s obv going through a bad boy phase. Rayna sits Maddie down for an incest chat and then has to pimp out her history with Deacon to the Rolling Stone reporter just so that her twat of a daughter isn’t tabloid shamed. All is well with Ruke/Layna at the end as they slow dance and say wedding vows (this is the only time this will ever happen on the show so cherish it.)

Alright let’s wrap it up with the minor story lines of the week. The throwaways, if you will. Deacon had a cold, continued to talk about Rayna and finally kicked ole Pammy to the curb (hopefully for good). Scarlett and homeless friend with the voice of an angel, Terry, wrote music and decided to face their fears together by hitting the stage for a duet at the Bluebird obv. Also we learn that Terry’s whole family is dead, because of course. Bachelor Teddy and his frat bro buddy Jeff Fordham took a week off, probably in Vegas doing coke and banging strippers.


Things to look forward to:
-Deacon probably almost hitting the sauce again and some angry confrontations once that unauthorized tell-all hits the tabs.
-Better songs…this week we had four and they were pretty lackluster. Rayna’s straight up sucked, but she tried to distract by showing everything but nip in a sparkly dress on DWTS. Juliette’s has potential but it’s not fiery like I know she can be, Layla’s was bleh and Scarlett’s duet with Terry I could take or leave. NEED some fresh Scarlett & Gunnar tunes STAT.
-More of Nashville’s “dramatic statement+guitar riff leads to commercial break” formula. Turn it into a drinking game every time this happens, I dare you. I would’ve been hammy sammied if I drank every time it happened in last night’s epi.
-Sage. Now that we’ve seen Luke’s mystery child and I’m guessing Rayna has for the first time too –we need more. What’s Sage’s deal? Does she also make sick beats like her bad boy bro Colt?
-The implosion of Ruke/Layna at the CMA’s next week. *Insert guitar riff*
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Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap- “Nobody Said It Was Going to Be Easy”

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If any of you still watch Nashville despite the bad story lines, hoping for a glimpse of good music, you’re in luck because I’ve decided to start recapping it weekly so that we can all laugh at it’s silliness together. If you haven’t seen the latest episode, or you’re planning on binge watching Nashville when it inevitably gets cancelled and shuffled to Netflix, all recaps WILL contain spoilers. Can we really call them spoilers if we already predicted they would happen though?

This week’s episode started off showing the rushing of a secretly pregnant Juliette to the hospital. As a quick side note, I’d like you to name ONE show with a pregnant character that doesn’t have the “You could lose the baby” moment. Answer: there are none. In fact there are some shows (I’m looking at you, One Tree Hill) that give every single pregnant character a miscarriage scare. Let’s maybe T it down with the almost killing babies for ratings, network TV. Anyway we later find out that Juliette has a complicated *but only because she’s a touring country superstar* rare blood disease. Naturally everything will be smooth sailing as long as she stops bopping around stage every night. Who would’ve thought?

After all that baby mama drama, we get to the real meat of the show, the CMA’s. This is Nashville, you know. Rayna sits down to watch the noms with her new bestie Sadie Stone. Has anyone else noticed that Rayna turns into a sorority girl when she’s with Sadie? Chill, girl, it’s unbecoming of Nashville’s number 1 star, and a mom of teenagers to have a case of the giggles around Sadie. Obviously Rayna and Luke get the most noms, Rayna’s mock surprise face deserves all of the Oscars. Also props to the writers for throwing in a nom for Taylor Swift two days after she released her first pop album, probably time to let that go. This sparks a little friendly competition between Ruke/Layna/Who Cares because they will obviously not get married. This also sparks some of the thirstiest cross promotion I have ever seen in a show. Were we watching Nashville or Good Morning America…or Dancing with the Stars? We get it ABC, you need more young viewers, please be less aggress about it. Speaking of cross promotion, Sara Evans makes a cameo on Luke’s stage and Luke is demoted to a backup singer. I was ALL for this. The song was great and helped erase my traumatic flashbacks to Luke’s TERRIBLE hillbilly serenade to Rayna a couple weeks ago. First great performance of the night.

The second great performance of the night was Deacon’s. After blondie backup singer (I’m not bothering to learn her name because she’ll be gone soon enough) got sassy with him and asked him to stop being country music’s Oscar the Grouch, he responded by turning a fancy party into a campfire sing-along. I loved the song and it was great to see Deacon end his surly teen phase that he undoubtedly picked up from Maddie. I could’ve absolutely done without blondie backup singer joining in trying to be the next Rayna inspiration. Here’s to hoping Deacon stops slumming it soon and actually gets a storyline besides longing for Rayna.

Speaking of characters with no story lines, let’s talk about Teddy for a second, shall we? Jeff Fordham’s protégé, if you will. Now that Teddy has added a little gel to his hair, he thinks he’s smooth. Bachelor Teddy, as I will call him from now on, should probably learn that chatting up escorts about his daughters is the opposite of smooth. Bachelor Teddy went from trying to be smooth to just giving me all the uncomfies when he made out with the escort poolside and then ended the night exchanging frat bro handshakes with Jeff. Thankfully the call from the cops about Maddie’s rager put a stop to this creepy bromance…for now. No update needed for Maddie, as she is still an insufferable teenager of celebrity parents.

And lastly, there’s Gunnar and the discovery that he’s now a father. REALLY preying on Zoey’s insecurities here aren’t we? Cut to shocked Zoey walking in on a family hug. Zoey and Gunnar are on the rocks because Zoey spies on him constantly so obviously let’s give him a secret child. Fist bump, Nashville writers. Things are about to get real emosh. with Gunnar bringing up his dead brother every 4 seconds, so let’s all mentally prepare for that impending breakdown.

Welp that pretty much sums it up, folks. Oh wait; Scarlett came back to Nashville to befriend a homeless man. Also Will & Layla are in the exact same place they were 6 episodes ago. Okay, that’s REALLY it now. Buckle down for a Nashville-free week coming up. Use your free time to imagine which character Rayna & Teddy’s new nanny will bang. My money’s on a Bachelor Teddy/Nanny tryst.

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