JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/11/2021

1. I Couldn’t Help But Wonder…

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…If Sex and the City would keep coming back until they’re all in their graves. It was announced this week that Sex and the City is making a comeback to HBO and honestly the timing could not have been more perfect. I had just finished re-watching the whole series right at the same time. Big showed up and rescued Carrie from the garbage Russian and just like that this video hits social media.

First thing’s first, let’s address the drama in the room. Kim Cattrall AKA Samantha is OUT. After years of dumping on all the other girls, claiming they bullied her, claiming she never wanted to do the movies to begin with, rumors swirling that she only did them if the production company promised to move forward with her solo projects as well….in summary Kim’s kind of an a-hole and had been holding up the process. So they kicked her to the curb. And as the most inappropriate part of the foursome, can we really call it SEX and the City without Samantha? I gotta be honest, I’ve always seen re-runs of SATC on E! and had never seen the original unedited episodes until these past few months when I finally got HBO and decided to start from the top. OH BABY did this show make me blush. I had no idea what I was missing with all the editing. It’s a completely different show and Samantha is basically a soft-core porn star in it. It was definitely risque for the time period and let’s just quickly recall that by the end of the series, the characters were in their late 30’s and early to mid forties (I don’t know if we ever pinned down Samantha’s age.) Which brings me to my point about this revival. I think it’s time to call it quits. It was time to call it quits in the the second movie when a 50-60 year old woman was kicked out of Abu Dhabi for giving a blowie on the beach. I’m a fan of the show, the first movie was phenomenal because we got our Carrie wedding (and also epic wedding fail) but the second movie was trash and that’s typically when you let things go to die. This revival is a show or maybe short series I’m guessing because every streaming service needs a hot new thing to get people to sign up and empty their pockets but WHY. We’re missing 1/4 of the gal pals, they’re now older than dirt and we’re supposed to still want to hear them talk about sex? What is this Golden Girls After Dark? No thanks. I’m not sure how this appeals to the core audience of SATC other than to pull the nostalgia factor like EVERY OTHER UNWANTED REUNION ON THIS PLANET. I’m still going to watch it obviously but I will be VERY UNCOMFY with it. I mean…come on….

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2. 100% A Cannibal.

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While we’re on the topic of sex, maybe Carrie and the girls can incorporate this hot topic in the reboot. Armie Hammer, actor and smoldering babe soda has recently created a wee bit of a riff in the interwebs for some DM’s of his that have been released. This is where things might get a little weird on The Salty Ju. Although I sat around a table at Wegmans when the Fappening occurred and passed celeb nudes around with my family members and I’ve covered a few of those nudes on here and become the go-to person my friends text for the uncensored version (proud of that one), I’ve never taken a face first dive into kinky DM’s. So this will be a first. Congrats to you all for being witness. So apparently there’s been some hints before to Armie being a real freak in the sheets. He’s recently divorced with two kids so I guess he’s full blown getting after it and one of his lady friends released these DM’s which according to many sources are legit:

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I’ve got real mixed feelings here. You know when he says “that just made me so hard and it makes me confused as to why”? That’s what “thinking of holding your heart in my hand and controlling when it beats” did to me. Is it weird? YUP. But would you not even BAT an EYELASH at this in a red hot read or a sexy Netflix movie? YUP TIMES A THOUSAND. CHICKS EAT THIS SHIT UP. There’s a reason 50 Shades of Grey was a freaking phenomenon. Hot and bothered women everywhere just want to be freed and get freaky with a hot guy. If it came out that Dustin Diamond was sending these DM’s to someone everyone would be like lock him TF up, but a Winkelvoss Twin? Now you’ve got a bunch of horned up and confused ladies. Do we like cannibals now? Is this a thing? The answer of course is no because cutting the heart out of living animal and eating it while it’s still warm is pre-crime shit and that’s when we come back down to earth and say mmm better not. Armie had us going for a moment there, though. I briefly considered what it would be like for his strong hands to control my heartbeat. Armie did not immediately respond to the whirlwind of DM’s that were sneaking out but unfortunately had to make a statement once the movie he was about to film cut him from the roster. Apparently JLo’s latest flick was NOT down with the cannibalism (what a bunch of prudes) and he was released and said the following:

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So I guess he just has more time on his hands to eat people and shit. #Don’tKinkShame

3. Sorry, Buuuuuuuuuuddy.

It’s unfortunate that I used the previous example of Dustin Diamond and then 8 hours after I wrote it, Screech’s team declares that he has cancer and is going through chemotherapy. Sorry I used you as an example of someone no one would ever want to have sex with, D Squared. Hope you can forgive me. Tough break to have cancer but on top of that Dustin also has shingles so he’s really been smited by disease. As another child star who went WAY off the rails, it sucks that he’s going through this but also he’s the type of guy that was CONSTANTLY trying to get headlines ever since the SBTB days so it’s kind of hard to feel like this is coming from a genuine place. He was the ONLY one not included in the woke reboot on Peacock probably due to the fact that he forayed into porn and bashed every single actor he ever worked with on the show. That’s neither here nor there to stand-up gent Mario Lopez who already made a statement:

What a guy. Does this mean all is forgiven and Screech will find his way back to the reboot? Only time will tell. PS: I burst out laughing when I read this exchange in the replies. Apparently real fans know who has stayed in touch and why…credit to Joe for keeping us all in check.

4. This Goes Out…This Goes Out to all the One Tree Hill Fans.

Former OTH heartthrobs James Lafferty and Stephen Colletti (LOL to refer to him as an OTH star when we all know where he got his start) created this show like 5 years ago and have been yapping about it constantly and trying to get it crowd-source funded to even shoot the damn thing. It’s concerning as hell that male leads for a primetime TV show that was on the air for 9 seasons can’t afford to shoot a few episodes of TV, but whatever, rabid fans made their tv show happen and after FOR-EV-ER it finally got picked up by Hulu. Add this to your watch list this weekend if you ever bought a Duke sweatshirt after Nathan Scott committed to playing basketball there only to wear it with MUCH disappointment while watching the end of season 4 where Duke rescinded the offer because he was point shaving…oh…was that just me? Whatever. I support this show but not enough to have given my own hard-earned dollars to a bunch of MUCH wealthier than me actors to get it made. So I’m glad we can now view it for free. This is what happens when there’s not a lot to report each week, I just make new show rec’s for your weekend of winter binging. You’re welcome.

5. The Demi Doc We ALL Need.

The minute I saw this I texted it to my friend with just YUSSSSSSSSSSSS, which really sums up my feelings on the matter. This is what we’ve been waiting for. I blogged about her first YouTube doc and how I loved every minute of it and learned so much about Demi being a total badass in the Disney days and obviously it’s no secret that I’m obsessed with her and spend a fair amount of time on this blog pretending I’m her BFF who likes to give unsolicited advice about her dating life. Honestly I’m so rabid for gossip and behind the scene deets about her life that March seems WAY too far away to wait for this. To get right to the elephant in the room, she obviously addresses her near death overdose.

Love that she’s using her platform to open up about her struggles but also keeping my fingers crossed that she drags that ex-fiance fame whore a little bit as well. It’s all about balance and sometimes you don’t always need to take the high road, Demi. Would love to hear what she thinks about him staging a cryfest photoshoot at the beach where he proposed after they broke up. Will report back in March when I 100% have a solo watch party with my girl Demi.

BONUS: Even the Olsen Twins Zoom.

Apparently MK had to do zoom court for her divorce and having a screenshot of her divorce proceedings over Zoom was easily the funniest thing I saw this week. You know I love to giggle at any current Olsen twins appearance because it’s like conjuring up dark magic. Who would’ve thought the girls who wore matching colored bandannas and sunglasses would turn into grim reapers but shout out to MK for giving us a GENUINE smile. Things are looking up for her post-divorce it seems. Her black turtleneck says I’m mourning this marriage but her face says I’M FREEEEEE!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/24/20

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1. BeeeeeBeeeeee’s. 

 

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Welcome to the world, Daisy Dove Bloom! We are honoured to introduce Goodwill Ambassadors @KatyPerry and @OrlandoBloom’s new bundle of joy.⠀ ⠀ “We are floating with love and wonder from the safe and healthy arrival of our daughter,” Katy and Orlando told us.⠀ ⠀ “But we know we’re the lucky ones and not everyone can have a birthing experience as peaceful as ours was. Communities around the world are still experiencing a shortage of healthcare workers and every eleven seconds a pregnant woman or newborn dies, mostly from preventable causes. Since COVID-19 many more newborn lives are at risk because of the increased lack of access to water, soap, vaccines and medicines that prevent diseases. As parents to a newborn, this breaks our hearts, as we empathize with struggling parents now more than ever.⠀ ⠀ “As UNICEF Goodwill Ambassadors, we know UNICEF is there, on the ground, doing whatever it takes to make sure every expecting mother has access to a trained health worker and access to quality healthcare. In celebration of the heart we know our daughter already has, we have set up a donation page to celebrate DDB’s arrival. By supporting them, you are supporting a safe start to life and reimagining a healthier world for every child. We hope your ♥️ can bloom with generosity.⠀ ⠀ Gratefully-⠀ ⠀ Katy & Orlando.”⠀ ⠀ Please tap the link in our bio to support the most precious gift: a healthy child.

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ForEver grateful for this true blessing💙

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A LOT of baby-related news this week. Like my ovaries are rusting from within and it’s just baby city up in Hollywood. At least it’s proof that some couples still like each other  so that’s always good! I also must give credit where it’s due, my bestie has the ultimate scoop edge by living on the west coast and therefore getting breaking news while I’m fast asleep. I woke up Thursday morning to texts from her scooping me on Katy’s birth and updating me on Lea’s child’s name. Proud of her for taking advantage of the time difference. Scoop never sleeps. Katy and Orlando AND Lea and Zandy (eye roll) jumped RIGHT on that current celebrity baby announcement trend of black and white hands/feet grasping. I’m so over this. 0 points for originality. Someone needs to shake this up FAST. If the only news we’re going to have each week is a divorce or a baby, we need a little creativity with the announcements OR WE RIOT. Now onto the names. Daisy Dove is exactly what I would’ve expected from Katy. Double D’s. Just kidding. I don’t hate it but I’m not in love with it either. I’m comfortably indifferent. First time for everything. And as for Lea…Ever is stupid. I’m sorry but that’s not a name that’s a declaration. OUT on Ever. NOW…. onto the real rant.

 

I’ve got a bone to pick with Brie here. Obviously they’re going for the B theme. Brie, Bryan, Birdie, Buddy. That’s obnoxious as hell but whatever, I get some families are real into that. The real issue here is this little bud’s middle name. It is DESSERT. HOWEVER she clarifies in the above post it’s pronounced DESERT. THESE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORDS WITH COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PRONUNCIATIONS AND COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MEANINGS. WHY WOULD YOU GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE THIS 100000X MORE CONFUSING?! MAKE THE NAME DESERT IF THAT’S WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO CALL IT. ESPECIALLY because you’re naming him AFTER an actual name. Was your nana’s maiden name DESSERT pronounced DESERT? If so, your ancestors are morons. I am FIRED all the way up about the stupidity here. You know how often kids confuse Desert and Dessert? A WHOLE LOT. You’re now PART OF THE PROBLEM. Ugh ok. I’m done. Obviously you knew once they announced twin pregnancies that this whole process was going to be People cover story material so I’m glad they didn’t make us wait too long for the unveiling. Nope, I lied. I’m not done. I read the article in People mag and I got annoyed again. First of all, they’re already nicknaming Matteo (God’s gift) to Teo, so whatever that’s fine, I didn’t expect them to really be calling their baby Matteo like he’s an astronomer from the 1500’s. But Brie’s daughter Birdie AKA Bir Bir has nicknamed her little brother Bud Bud. BIR BIR AND BUD BUD. Goodbye.

 

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Hi I’m Buddy 💙

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My life is so complete 🥰 @theartemc @people

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I’m back. THE BELLA BOYYYYZZZZZZZ! Matteo and Buddy!!!!! What’s hilarious to me is that they’re all about twinning and doing everything together and yet TMZ reported that Nikki put her house that she built and decorated for herself (pre-Artem convincing her to marry him and knocking her up) directly next door to Brie on the market. So that was a solid 9 months of being neighbors. Next season of Total Bella’s would be much more entertaining with them living in each other’s buttholes with their newborn cousin twins. I’m not a producer…but I should be. Don’t move, Nikki. Learn how to spell Desert, Brie. TYSM to all. Love ya suh much.

2. BeeeeeBeeee BUMP.

 

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growin an angel 🙂

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7.26.20 🕊

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At first Gigi was like I’m not posting about my pregnancy because there are more important things going on in the world and I want the focus to be on that. And then she apparently was like eh F it, this photoshoot is too good not to share. It is a pretty classy collection of bump photos. It’s not over the top with nudes but tasteful black and white silhouettes. Plus she’s an actual supermodel so I don’t really know if she can take a bad picture. Doesn’t detract from the fact that I feel like she’s a literal infant herself and this is 1000% an oops baby but at least it’s going to be a Vogue oops.

3. Aunt Becky Goes to “Jail.”

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Alright enough baby talk, let’s switch it over to the slammer. It was announced LAST Friday when I was thoroughly enjoying a Girl’s Day full of poolside cheese balls and adult bevvy’s that Lori and her hubs were “sentenced.” I use the term loosely because this has been a several year long process and has been built up so dramatically over time that we all knew there was only one outcome to this scenario, and obviously it’s the outcome that every rich person gets. A short stint in a cushy Hollywood jail that they will 1000% not complete. Lori got 2 months, her husband got 5. The chances that either of these turds serve those full sentences are SLIM. There was a headline about Lori being nervous about serving time amidst corona virus, as if she’d be put in a county jail swarming with people spitting on her or something. Listen, if Jeffrey Epstein was quite literally raping middle school students in Florida and running a pedo “massage” ring out of his mansion and got to leave jail to take his PJ out and about whenever he pleased on “work release”, I can guaranTEEE you that Aunt Becky won’t go to prison for paying her kids into college. That’s just not how the system works. They make a big F’ing deal out of this whole case and promise the judge is going to throw the book at them and I called bullshit from the start. No one will EVER make an example of a rich and famous person. Felicity served a month, Lori will serve a week or two and that’ll be all she wrote for the GREAT college scandal of H’wood. Honestly her getting cut from the never-ending Full House franchise probably hurts worse than a “jail” sentence. HAVE MERCY!

4. We Are All Old.

 

Cause Kevin McAllister told us we are. Seriously, Home Alone was made before I was even born, so don’t be tellin me I’M OLD OK KEVVVIIIIIINNNNNNN?!

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Oh jk, jk, he’s just doing his job. Everyone, relax. I love the fact that Macaulay recognizes that Home Alone was his defining career moment and that’s all we want to hear about from him and embraces it full-force. Also to relate it back to myself as I’m best known for doing, in Home Alone 2 (the superior Home Alone) when Kevin says “I’m 10 years old. TV is my life,” I’ve never related to a statement more except that it applied when I was 10 and also present day. I can honestly say that I’m 29 years old and I’ve watched so much TV in the past week that I have a literal back ache from how I was propped up on my bed/the couch. It all started last weekend when E aired every episode of Sex and the City followed by both movies. They called it something dumb like Sex all weekend or whatever and YES I ATE THAT SHIT UP. Even got my mom in on it as we pondered Aidan vs. Big and I scolded my mom for not remembering Berger who BROKE UP WITH CARRIE VIA POST IT NOTE. And when you start your week watching middle aged women talk about sex in Abu Dhabi, there’s really no rock bottom. So I binged my Housewives (#TeamBrandi, Denise is a cease and desist turd sandwich) and I tried Black Monday (not for me, sorry), watched all of High Fidelity on Hulu (100% must watch for Cherise who is a boss and might be one of my fave TV characters of all time. Wish she had more screen time.) I even went backward in time and saw Bridget Jones’s Diary for the first time–I allowed my curiosity for why this was such a phenomenon to outweigh my hate for Renee Zellweger. The movie stinks and I have no idea why they were compelled to make 3 of them or what was cutting edge about a thirty year old woman who drinks and smokes a lot (see: SATC series AND movies.) I discovered that my favorite Sophie Kinsella book Can You Keep A Secret was made into a low budget film that I assume was straight to streaming with Alexandra Daddario and Tyler Hoechlin. Also recommend for anyone who loves an awkward as hell rom com. And I even went so far as to sign up for a free trial of HBO (setting a reminder to cancel before they charged me an outrageous $15) so I could finally get my peepers on I’ll Be Gone in the Dark and subsequently ask my mom to close the door of the bedroom next to me so I can be sure the Golden State Killer wasn’t hiding in there waiting to rape and kill me. Good news, he was finally sentenced this week so we’re all safe from HIM but once you hear a phone call with heavy breathing and “I’ll kill you bitch”, there’s really no reassuring your fears. I also took it upon myself to rewatch Crash from 2005 with my free trial week. Turns out, a movie about racism and anger still holds up today… AND THAT WAS ALL IN ONE WEEK, FOLKS! YA THINK I NEED A JOB OR SOMETHING?! I mean, I just turned Mac’s birthday into a rant about how much television I consumed this week. If that’s not a talent, I don’t know what is. Felt like I needed to get that off of my chest. Plz feel free to DM me for more in depth reviews/rec’s of all of my consumption. Also, to bring it back to Mac…here’s Brenda Song’s loving bday tribute to him. I was literally shocked to be reminded that these two are dating. Seems like things are going swell though.

 

PS almost forgot to include that I watched this masterpiece last Friday and go right ahead and put it in the cheesy dance movie top 10 because WOOO what a masterpiece. Despite the fact that the lead character leaves frizzy hair in two solid chunks in her face for the whole movie and refuses to wear anything other than baggy khakis and chunky sneaks like she’s Working Girl and not a high school student in 2020.

 

5. MUSIC TIME!

Here’s the portion of the show where I don’t have enough headlines to yap about this week (or last…I double dipped) so I throw up some songs and youtube videos that brought me joy.

 

The Barden Bella’s came back to sing one of my all-time favorite Beyonce songs. Of course, I use the term sing suuuuuuuuuper loosely because all of them are 9000% lip syncing but whatever it’s all in good fun. Close your eyes and groove it out. Bonus points to Brittany Snow for working in a fan for Beyonce hair.

 

I’ve always loved Jaaaayyyyy-SuuuNNnnn DeRUUUUUUllloooooooo and this song is fun and the video has a whole lot to look at. But in a good way. Not in a WAP way.

Also, check out this 10 year old drummer who is cooler than I will EVER be.

 

BONUS: After a hiatus from the world of youths and never understanding what it is they’re looking for in snappy 50 second videos, I made my triumphant return to the Tok and have been posting whatever the hell I feel like posting and then watching in awe as the shortest & least funny video takes off in views and likes. Apparently there’s a real treasure trove of One Tree Hill fans living in TikTok world. Who knew.

 

 

@thesaltyju

When your #folklore CD comes a month after you ordered it with star confetti and NOT a personal cardigan from Taylor Swift herself. 🙄 ✌🏽

♬ exile – Taylor Swift

 

 

@thesaltyju

#Dance like nobody is watching. Or like your dad is doing an FB Live show and you want to show off your fresh moves while he tunes his guitar #sytycd

♬ Nominate – Stonebwoy

 

 

 

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