JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/18/17

1. Dave Grohl.

I’m gonna be honest, when Peyton and Brooke wrote Dave Grohl on the hot guys list on her closet door, I was like meh, seems like such a Peyton “I’m a brooding emo rocker” thing to do, I don’t really see it. And then I see him do an interview or watch a live performance and I’m like YUP. I get it.

One Tree Hill Character Quotes

In kind of related but not really news, I gave two weeks notice at my job, which has landed me in the sweet spot that everyone must find themselves in at some point where you have two weeks of kind of pointless time at your job. You’re finishing things up but not really starting something new, because why start something new when you’ll just have to hand it off anyway. And thus, I found myself putting my feet up and watching this lengthy carpool karaoke on full screen while at work. Sorry not sorry. Whatever, it was a good one. I mean seriously, how often do you hear of someone having their broken ankle/leg held in place so he can finish out a concert? Baller status.

2. Audrina pulls an Audrina.

audrinadone

So apparently Audrina and Australian Corey are getting a divorce BUT the real JUice lies in the fact that she also has a restraining order against him. They have a baby and got married a few months after she was born but it’s now coming out that he’s been abusive for essentially their whole 10 year on and off relashe. Not to make light of abuse because it is certainly not funny, but while reading an article on People covering the news, Audrina LITERALLY quotes that she thought having a baby and getting married would make him better. Insert thinking face emoji x a billion. Also again, not to add fuel to the fire, but as a devout Hills fan who watched Justin Bobby LITERALLY make out with a hideous red head right in Audrina’s grillpiece and then have her continue to date him for a few more years….yiiiiiiikes.

3. NIALL ❤

Even though I once declared that Zayn won the post-1D solo act, I’m willing to go back on my word and admit I was wrong. It’s like all Niall needed was to get his braces off and he’s full blown man now. All of his solo hits have been ah-mah-zing and he’s just so mature and soulful now. Between the old man scally cap that he casually wears to pints with his mates and the straight on-camera stare at the end, I was like whoa, Niall is here to stay.

4. BTS Pile full of Tays.

Remember when this video came out and I was genuinely like, I studied film and still don’t understand how she did this pile and made it look so realistic? Yeah, well I wish I didn’t learn. Because it made it 100% less cool. Come on Taylor, leave a little mystery there. Also, you don’t need to make yourself more relatable by acting awkward. We know you’re awkward, gurl. Let us enjoy LWYMMD for what it is…you clapping back and looking like a real badass dime. DON’T RUIN IT.

5. Full House of Lies.

full-house

It’s the 30th anniversary of the premiere of Full House, expertly coinciding with the release of their third Netflix season of their hot garbage revival, Fuller House, and therefore the entire cast is raping the press this week trying to get more views so they can keep making unfunny television that sullies the Full House reputation. Regardless of all that… Jodie Sweetin just admitted via some interview that she’s never seen a full episode of Full House and I CALL BULLSHIT. I mean COME ON-you were on the show for how many years and now there’s a full revival of it?! How ridiculous is that to not have been able to fit in one single 20 minute episode in the past 30 years. And I love her bullshit Hollywood excuse of, oh we don’t have cable. SO?! YOU WERE IN THE ACTUAL SHOW. Bets are you got a DVD set at some point! This whole thing just enrages me and I’m wondering if I’m just taking out my disappointment in Fuller House on Steph because she said something stupid. Could be, but I WON’T TAKE IT BACK.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/14/16

1. Think twice before you eat food, YOU ANIMALS. 

This is Seth Rogen’s latest venture and obviously it has all the key players of a Seth Rogen production. It’s dirty and it has all of his BFF’s in it. Apparently it’s the very first R rated animated movie. I can definitely get down with it. Except for the whole bun character. I don’t need to stare at an animated vagina for 2 hours. Jus sayin. Really makes you think twice about how you’re considered a murderer every time you shovel food down your gullet. JK CARROTS CAN’T ACTUALLY TALK, GUYS. I’m going to go ahead and keep inhaling food at an alarming rate, thanks.

2. Child Stars who aren’t F’ed up.

Since everyone knows the 90’s was that hawt shit, today’s tv and movies are doing everything they can to feed off of that decade. Next up, a reality show featuring child stars Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner), Christine Lakin (Al Lambert), and Beverly Mitchell (Lucy Camden). It’s supposed to follow them now and show how well adjusted they are. (I guess we’re going to gloss right on over Jodie Sweetin’s casual meth addiction…) I’m not sure if this will be must-see TV. UNLESS Bev spills on what it was like to tongue Lance Bass on the set of 7th Heaven. Lucy may have been a diehard Christian but that didn’t stop her from being all about that bass and I’d love to hear some juicy deets.

lance

3. Taylor Swift the swimsuit model. 

Taylor and Calvin just rang in their one year and decided this week to celebrate with a bunch of bikini shots of Taylor in a tropical location. HOT DAMN legs for days. Who knew Tay had it in her? Suddenly the girl who only showed her belly button one time and it was front page news is striking mad sultry poses in a bikini (still no belly button b-t-dubbs.) Calvin’s bod ain’t so bad either, I guess.

4. Mariah tries to stay relevant.

mariah-carey-side-eye

Mariah Carey got a reality show called “Mariah’s World” on the Kardashian network. When asked about the show, Mariah said,“I thought it would be a good opportunity to kind of, like, show my personality and who I am.” Since Mariah is a notorious asshole diva I’m assuming she’s trying to rehab her image a touch. Watch her plan her billion dollar wedding this summer on E!

5. Hit the gym, bruh.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/25/15

1. 90’s Reunions are all the rage. The hussies of Cruel Intentions did a little girls night out to see the musical version of said movie and Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair got reacquainted with each other’s mouths. In more PG reunions, sitcom pals Jodie Sweetin, Christine Lakin and Beverly Mitchell (Stephanie Tanner, Al Lambert & Lucy Camden) had brunch and didn’t make out with each other. Oh, 90’s nostalgia. Gets me every time. Side note: We can all agree that Cruel Intentions is one of those movies that if it’s on TV we stop everything to watch, right? Just so disturbingly good.

2. Jason Derulo has a new album full of bangers on bangerz. I put one of his new hits on last week’s JUice but then he threw us for a loop this week by putting his full album out for preview and I haven’t stopped playing it on repeat. Whatever J creates turns to gold. Guy hasn’t made one single song I hate in the past like 3 years. Do your ears a favor and give Everything is 4 a listen.

Full Album Here

3. CMT Music Awards to be hosted by Erin Andrews & Brittany Snow.

LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 18:  Singer Nicki Minaj attends the 2014 Billboard Music Awards at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 18, 2014 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

What? Pick two more random people to host an awards show for country music. This will most certainly be a trainwreck. Tune in June 10th at 8P to see it all transpire, because you KNOW I will and it will be blogged.

4. I can eat more pizza than Beyonce. Queen B is hammin it up in Florence, dabbling in some pizza and gelato and when she posted this picture of half a pizza, my face immediately broke into a shit-eating grin. I’m finally better than Beyonce at something.

beyonce-600x450

Not only did I crush a whole pizza in Florence, I did it on the REG. I may not be a superstar billionaire queen, but I can PUT AWAY A PIZZA. Respect THAT. Bow down bitches. #CleanPlateClub PS: Did Bey get a heart-shaped pizza? Answer: NO.

311224_2029531262873_1161149643_n 386794_2155890341771_287311561_n 321680_2155891301795_794258317_n 293567_2155891781807_778540289_n

5. Prince Farming and his Milkmaid are headed to Splitsville instead of Podunk, IA. 

chris-soules-whitney-bischoff-wedding-on-hold-07

This is last on the list for obvious reasons. A mere months after Chris dum dum Soules picked Whitney because she was the only one who agreed to move to Iowa, they’re dunzo. Color me shocked. Although now that the show is over, can we cut the shit with Chris being a “full time farmer” in Arlington? Bro just did The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars B2B. Something tells me he’s not flying back to Iowa every night to tend to his cows. The schtick is up. He lives in LA and he’s about to become a career reality TV star. Put it in the books.

BONUS for getting through this short week: Zac Efron and his biceps went hiking in Hawaii this past Memorial Day. Lick.

zac zac-efron-ripped-memorial-day-weekend-10

Standard
Television

Fuller House: The Supporting Characters Comeback

The internet is abuzz with nostalgia this week ever since John Stamos confirmed the spinoff of Full House. Everyone wants to know who is in, who is out, and if Gibbler still has a debilitating foot odor. As of right now it’s confirmed that the plot will follow DJ, a single mother raising her children with a little help from Gibbler and Steph. (Sound famils?) Guest appearances by Danny, Uncle J, Becky & Joey are pretty much guaranteed, but instead of playing the will Michelle return as a gothy fashionista game, I decided to delve into our favorite supporting characters, guessing where they might be now and why they should DEFINITELY be included in Fuller House.

1. Steve

Screen Shot 2015-04-23 at 10.25.52 PM

As Deej’s first serious boyfriend who made a comeback as her (college?) prom date in the last episode, Steve was the perfect guy. He may have had a growing appetite, but realistically his only flaw was disappearing from our lives thus allowing DJ to date guys like Viper and Nelson. Woof. Is it naïve to say that Steve spent all these years pining after DJ? Probably but I’m gonna guess that’s where he is now. He did the college athlete thing, probably tried to go pro and realized he wasn’t gonna cut it so he’s been living the bachelor life while Deej was settling down and having kids. She was always a bit more serious than him. Now that she’s apparently widowed, this seems like the perfect time for Steve to step back into her life, help out with the grocery shopping, eat all the groceries, then prove to Deej why he’s the one.

stevelove

2. Kathy Santoni

KathySantoni

Remember that BITCH Kathy Santoni who got her rack at age 12 and started wearing makeup too soon, spread rumors about DJ and Gibbler then got knocked up and married by senior year of high school? The often talked about and rarely seen Kathy was a piece of the DJ-Gibbler friendship that brought them closer togets. Cause nothing brings friends closer than a mutual hate. Well karma’s a real bitch for Kathy because she’s divorced with three kids, hitting the wine every night and surfing tinder. She becomes a little too bitter when DJ and Gibbler move into her neighborhood and see just how miserable she’s become so she tries to turn the neighborhood against them and have Kimmy evicted for having loud sex with…

3. Duane

duane

Ah Duane, the man of one word…but give him a sonnet and suddenly he transforms into William Shakespeare. We all know that Duane was a real dud, but Gibbler is no walk in the park and I think they meshed together quite nicely. Opposites attract, right? Duane and Gibbler almost got married in Vegas until Gibbler realized she didn’t want to end up like Kathy Santoni, ZING. Duane didn’t end up going into the plumbing biz with his dad, became Kimmy’s main squeeze again and teaches poetry at the University of San Fran, Professor Hamlet and Cheese style. He still wears a backwards hat real well.

duanewedding scott_menville_2013_04_30

4. Gia

giacig JODIE SWEETIN;MARLA SOKOLOFF;MARY-KATE/ASHLEY OLSEN

Gia started out as a real chain-smoking, class-cutting badass betch. Then Stephanie befriended her and taught her how to be nice while still maintaining an edgy aura. Gia was the BFF that every girl needs—she hosts the makeout parties at her mom’s apt, makes Steph lie about her age to meet cute guys at the mall and wears a crop top like nobody’s biz. The good news is that every girl needs a ride or die and Gia is still Steph’s. While Steph is helping DJ raise her kids, Gia is guitarist and singer in the band Girl Talk and she’s a famous AF rockstar. You might remember Girl Talk as the disaster band with her, Gibbler, and Steph in the past but Gia’s super mature now and she got disciplined, learned to play more than Ace of Base and rebooted the band. Gia’s basically the T. Swift of San Fran now and every once in a while brings Steph out on the scene so they can act young and reckless.

girltalk Marla-Sokoloff-tanner-family-and-katsopolis-family-and-joey-20680846-600-669

5. Tommy Page

tommypage tpage

Speaking of musicians, Tommy Page is still trying to hack it as dreamboat singer but he’s pushing it, age-wise. It’s no longer approps for him to show up at a 13 year old’s birthday party and serenade her with “You’re what dreams are made of, you’re the girl I love.” Seriously, that didn’t raise any red flags? Even though Tommy is old now, he can still get it so him and Gia hook up occasionally but it’s super casj. Tommy kicks it with the gang sometimes but will never let DJ forget about the time that he saw baby pictures of her naked and almost puked. Steph and Deej almost puke when they think about how they fought over T.Page.

tommy_pagetoday

6. Walter

walter duckfacefullhouse002

Walter may have been ridiculed for his duck face in school but he obviously overcame the teasing to become an accountant. He does Stephanie’s taxes every year and uses this time to try and win her back to become Mrs. Duckface. She responds by throwing quackers at him. Just kidding. Sort of. He got really hot though. Just kidding again.

waltergrownup         Screen Shot 2015-04-24 at 8.00.26 AM

7. Rusty

rustyevillaugh rustypranks

RUSTY, THE RUST-MAN, RUSTYVISION, the CLASSIC prankster. Writing anonymous love letters, putting green dye in the shampoo bottle, tying the tablecloth to someone’s belt, loosening the salt shaker, the ole colored trick gum and kaleidoscope ink ring…WHAT a little asshole this kid was. You know what asshole kids grow up to be? Asshole adults. Rusty was the president of his frat in college and spent five years drawing dicks on pledge’s faces when they passed out after too many Natty Ice’s. Rusty is now the bartender at the Smash Club where the girls still go to cut loose and get away from their kids. Sometimes Steph and Rusty BOMO (blackout makeout.)

screen-shot-2011-10-14-at-1-26-48-am screen-shot-2011-09-29-at-12-54-44-am

8. Derek

derek

Should Michelle ever return to the show—and I really need her to… she’ll bring Derek back with her. Derek was part of Michelle’s inner crew when she got a little older and a lot less adorable cause she couldn’t get away with saying things like AW, NUTS or YOU GOT IT, DUDE. Anyway, Derek was known for ripping the role of Yankee Doodle from Michelle (kid was born to be a star) but they moved past it and it’s a good thing, too cause now Derek is Michelle’s gay BFF. He’s cool, he’s fashionable and he’s on Broadway. He’ll tell it like it is and I think that’s just what Michelle needs right now if they don’t do a quick makeover to the Olsen twins pre-comeback. Plus he’s got a killer six pack. Eye candy whaddupp.

insideedition mciverinst

9. Stavros

stavros stav

Jesse’s greek cousin who came to visit, tried to pork Becky and steal everyone’s money for a fake landslide ended up banished from America. BUT recently he convinced the Tanners that he had turned his life around in Greece and they should come visit. They all go visit for a family vacation every year and stay in Stavros’s greek villa because he’s a famous fashion designer now. He designs suspenders and is married to a Becky lookalike. Don’t eva change, Stavros.

10. Aaron

enhanced-11203-1398908392-1 aaron

Last but not least, Aaron the meanest bully ever. Most well known for his sexism and sneering everything he says, Aaron was kind of a turd. However, you know what they say, if the boy is picking on you it’s probably because he likes you. Well, Aaron has been in love with Michelle ever since she let Dave the bird free in pre-school and he narc’ed on her to the teacher. They’ve been dating on and off since college and every time he pinches her she pinches him right back. #Feminism. Realistically Aaron’s probably a terrible boyfriend but I just want to see how a kid who yells shit like: “This fridge is a joke! No Ding-Dongs, no Ho-Ho’s, no Nutty Buddy’s… it’s bone-dry!” turns out.

aarontoday

I’m obviously missing some greats–who would you like to see in Fuller House? Also should John Stamos or any of the EP’s see this post, I can start working on the show ASAP, you just let me know when you want to fly me out.

Standard