JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/15/19

1. Let’s Rap About Earth Day.

I guess it’s Earth Day soon. How did I know? A cartoon Lil Dicky informed me while still making an effort to relate it directly back to his dick and balls. What a guy. No, seriously what just happened with this. I watched the whole thing in shock. How does he come up with this shit and how is he allowed to say it’s his song when he was in it for about 30 seconds. The cameos, however, are genius. The best part about this claymation freakfest was trying to guess what famous person was which animal the minute they opened their mouth. I nailed it with Ariana, Halsey, Ed & Snoop. BTW, Ed as a snuggly koala bear? Yes, please. What a perfect casting. Also I legitimately was like I wonder how much they had to pay Leonardo Dicaprio just to use his name and create a character that looks like him then when I saw it was ACTUALLY him?! Whoa baby. Leo used to be so cool that when JLo texted him during her carpool karaoke he made booboo a thing again. Now he’s in this? Must be really desp for his environmental cause. Save the earth, bruhs. Why? Because a rapper told you to.

2. Taylor Goes Pastel.

Remember when I got all hot and bothered for new Taylor music and fed into her crazy ass superfan theories and ended up with EGG ON MY FACE AND AN I ❤ TS SHIRT ON FOR NO REASON?! If you missed that, read my salivation here and peep my merch below:

Well now it’s the real deal. She’s given us thirsty bitches a date and it is 4.26. She’s also given us a theme and my immediate reaction was no thanks. If we’re going to be waiting with baited breath for new jams after your BADAZZ EMO F THE WORLD comeback with Reputation complete with Snakes, we deserve more than tacky pastel colored heart shaped jewels. Then she posted the picture of the mint bike and it was GAME ON. EVERYONE knows I’m basically a European with the amount of biking that I do. If she’s going to deliver me a new tune to cruise around town to once I dust the ole wheels off for spring then SIGN ME UP. Stay tuned for full review when her single makes the debut.

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3. N*SYNC Does Coachella.

It’s that time of year again where LA people pretend they’re into being outdoors and listening to live music but really what they’re into is wearing hippie chic outfits and posting on Instagram. The biggest news to come out of this past weekend’s performances other than Beyonce just dropping a full recording of hers was America’s Sweetheart Ariana Grande pulling off an N*SYNC reunion. Although, can we really call it that without JT?

Props to Ari for continuing to dominate the world and learning the choreography to Tearin Up My Heart. Even though my main squeeze wasn’t there, I can still appreciate a good 90’s reunion. But also…

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You guys killed it last night 🙌

A post shared by Justin Timberlake (@justintimberlake) on

Is Chris gonna make it? T’s and P’s.

4. Barf All Over Me.

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Pssst, 🧔🌲🌲🌲❤️: @justintimberlake

A post shared by Jessica Biel (@jessicabiel) on

I try not to draw attention to the fact that Jess and Justin are like the ultimate cool guy couple because it turns me into a jelly belly. But like come on with this. We get it, you guys love each other and are v supportive. No need to cry via a public video when he’s basically sitting right next to you. Turn to him and say you’re proud of him. UGH BARFMANIA ya big attention whorebag.

5. PSA FOR MK&A STANS

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I find it to be extremely unwell of us that every time these two crypt keepers attend an event and allow photos, we post 10 headlines about it. THE VAMPIRES ARE OUT OF THEIR CAVES! And no matter what year/season/occasion it is, they’re always wearing long black cloaks and terrified looks on their faces. WELCOME TO SUNLIGHT, GIRLS! But that wasn’t the point of this announcement although it did give me a nice morning laugh and some nightmare fuel. The PSA is that Hulu is finally getting on the damn MK&A nostalgia train and giving us some of their OG movies. Coming soon: Billboard Dad, Switching Goals and Passport to Paris. THANK GAWD. IT’S AN EASTER MIRACLE! If you need to brush up on which hotties to peep in their pre-teen movies, feel free to roll on over to my very well-researched and not at all creepy blog ranking their movie boyfs right HERE. HAPPY WATCHING!

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Concert, Movies, Pop Culture

Top Fyre Fest Revelations

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As I’m sure you heard, Netflix and Hulu chose a particularly wintery-don’t-wanna-leave-the-couch week to drop two dueling documentaries on the horrific dumpster fYre that took place a couple years ago. As originally reported on the Weekly JUice where I pointed a heavy finger at Ja Rule (or Ja, as I learned his “business partners” and friends call him), this music festival was created to be an exclusive event on a private island for rich millennials, except for the fact that when they all arrived their accommodations were FEMA tents with no food or water and whoopsie there were also no musical acts booked. Obviously Twitter rants ensued and all of us poor people who would never drop 5 grand for a trip to an island music festival sat in our office chairs with tears rolling down our cheeks from laughing uncontrollably. Just me? Whatevs.

Each doc provided a behind the scenes view of what led to this. Spoiler alert: the most stupidity you will ever feast your eyes upon. Although both had different footage/interviews, if you’re looking to just watch one, Netflix takes the cake. They partnered with Fuck Jerry, the media company that had all of the juicy BTS footage and boy was that worth a watch. Hulu offered an exclusive interview with the mastermind dirtbag himself, Billy McFarland. Although if we’re being real here, the Billy that filmed himself wanting to document his creative process (partying) is FAR more telling than the Billy that was paid to sit down for a formal interview and chose not to answer half the questions. Jus sayin. Strap in for the best and most ridiculous revelations from the two docs where my jaw had a permanent residency on the floor.

1. Andy being extorted by someone half his age to suck Customs D. 

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Andy. Who hurt you? Some view Andy as a ride or die. I view him as a lil bitch who is literally crying every day but still cleaning up messes from someone half his age. The only logical conclusion is that Billy has something on Andy. Judging by Billy’s character, my first assumption would be some sort of financial fraud. Anyone who willingly comes running every time Billy wah wah’s about the latest disaster CANNOT be doing that just because they like the guy. When he casj AF drops in the, Billy asked me to suck the Custom guy’s D and I swished around some mouthwash and flew right over there, I was literally in shock. HOW. WHAT. WHY. Andy is 100% the person whose still visiting Billy in prison and can’t wait until he comes out so that they can embark on a new business venture together.

2. Partying like Rockstars, F*cking like Pornstars

I couldn’t pick just one jaw dropping aspect of Billy and Ja’s time on the island leading up to this disaster so I broke it down to my favorite three. Basically all of these moments fall under the umbrella of the fact that this crew did NOTHING but party for the 3 or 4 months leading up to this event. The fact that it’s actually a good event idea but would take 1-2 years to build the foundation and these jabronis threw out a promo video and sold tickets 4 months ahead of it and didn’t plan one single thing is so frustrating in itself, but then to watch their “visits” to the island contain jetskiing, drinking and hearing Ja Rule give stupid cliche party toasts made it 1 bazillion times worse. At one point in the Hulu doc, Ja just does blow on camera. Cool bruh.

a. Billy spilling beer on the map that says this won’t work

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The two masterminds recruit a guy who knows the island and he’s like hey look at how much space you need versus how many tickets you sold, this maybe isn’t a good idea. And Billy spills his beer on the map. Then fires the guy. Sick.

b. ZERO gravity!

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Aforementioned guy who actually sounded pretty reasonable when he was like Hey Billy, this won’t work is actually the SAME guy who apparently learned how to fly a PJ based on like a video game or simulator and all of the douchebags/influencers who came every weekend to party were like OMG he gives the best zero gravity rides. No, morons, you were just getting in a small aircraft with someone whose never flown it before (probably drunk or high) and letting it fall from the sky. The wild things rich people do for kicks.

c. Pig island=Bhole island.

 

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This point was actually more so because of the Bachelor and the fact that pig island is marketed as this adorable fun thing but pigs are actually gross and being stuck on an island with them probably isn’t fun at all. The porkers going after all these dainty models’ bholes and them running and screaming was high entertainment. PAY THOUSANDS OF BUCKS TO COME TAKE INSTAS WITH PIGS LIKE THESE MODELS. Notttttttt.

3. MASS CHAOS.

Look we all heard about the shit show that was people showing up and not having any housing or food. And we ALL remember the cheese sandwich. Probably the most reported aspect of this entire festival. But what was learned through these docs is that if you bring a bunch of entitled young adults to an island in another country, fill them with booze and then basically release them into the wild to find sleeping arrangements for the night, they’re going to act like animals. At first it was like everyone’s drunk and trying to find a tent and a mattress, ahhhh! Then it escalated REAL QUICK to:

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and then that went rrrrright into peeing on mattresses and looting. WHAT?! How is this a normal reaction?! Obviously not one police officer in sight. Supes normz for thousands of people coming to a music festival.

4. Do I want to be an influencer when I grow up?

I’ve never heard the word influencer more in my life and I’d feel good about going the rest of my life never having to hear it again. I know I probably have no leg to stand on here, as I blog about pop culture, but SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS A CAREER?! Not only is influencer a career, but these influencers, most of whom I’ve never heard of were PAID to come to this festival. Just so that they could Youtube, and Insta and whatever else live stream their trip. The portion of both docs where it shows random internet people just live stream narrating their flight made me want to set my apt on fire. Mostly because I too would like to be paid $250,000 to post an instagram just telling people to go to a festival. YEAH THAT’S RIGHT KENDALL JENNER, I CALL BULLSHIT! Girl was never even affiliated with this festival but had no issues accepting a wire transfer in exchange for one insta post. Woof. Barf everywhere. Ok before I have a full on mental breakdown about how many people in this world probably call themselves influencers, let’s go right ahead and call them out for DEFINITELY having enough money and not sending it right to the Bahamians that were screwed over.

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Instead, we all (I’m using we in a very general state, I did not put any of my personal money up) raised the funds for this sweet, sweet woman to have a savings again. So you owe us Kendall. YOU OWE US.

5. Frauders never stop frauding.

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By far the most shocking thing out of this whole shit show, the thing that I still couldn’t get past is Billy getting INDICTED, doing some jail time, being out on bail and starting up a fresh scam with the SAME EXACT CONTACT LIST AS FYRE FEST. Not only basically making it the most obvious thing in the world that it’s him scamming again for tickets that don’t exist and using a frontman to make the phone calls, but HE FILMS IT ALL TOO.

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“Hey are you guys looking for cold hard proof that I can’t stop extorting people? YOU BETTER COME FIND ME (in my penthouse, with a full video shoot setup, using the same phone number and email I’ve always used.)” – Billy, probably. Also shout out to the Hulu version for letting us know that he also tried planning Fyre Fest 2018 immediately afterward as well. You and Ja deserve each other, Billy.

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Honorable Shout-out for no particular reason:
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I genuinely would’ve appreciated a phonetic spelling of this name.
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Do you feel dumber having read that entire blog? Great. We’re all on the same page now.
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Television

Reasons You Should Be Watching Difficult People

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“Because our lives are garbage and it’s the world’s fault.”

I binged the first five episodes this past weekend and then felt so strongly about this show that I immediately drafted a blog (a little on the tipsy side) to tell you why it’s important to watch Hulu’s new original series Difficult People. I feel like it’s been a beat since I’ve gushed about a TV show and shoved a recommendation down your throat. So please feel free to view the trailer below to get ready for what might be a trainwreck of words beneath it.

  1. Billy Eichner. Billy rose to fame just by shouting at people on a sidewalk and recording it. Please watch Billy on the Street clips or his bit from the Emmy’s below to know how great he is at being a jerk to strangers.
  2. Julie Klausner. Julie used to write Housewives recaps on Vulture and basically inspired me to completely copy her on my own blog by doing Beverly Hills Housewives recaps because she was so funny. Please see below examples of her kind words about Kyle Richards & husband Mauricio:

“Kyle also struck a “silly” pose next to some of the more ribald mannequins because Kyle is a loathsome former child actor who will bark on her hind legs for the attention of a camera lens or a high-status pair of eyeballs. She is a shallow and childish monster, and I hope Brandi stops making nice to this ersatz wretch and her garbage husband tout de suite.”

“Shut up, Maurice, you Ooga Booga dumb-dumb mouth-breather. Take your shirt off and keep your lips zipped. My two cents.”

  1. Amy Poehler produces it. Do you need to be further convinced that everything Amy does is entertaining? Knope3
  2. Difficult People pokes fun at millennials in an exaggerated but well-written way. It’s kind of like Girls if the characters in Girls realized how stupid they were being. Julie & Billy are comedians trying to make it big in NYC and their bond is that they’re both pop culture obsessed judgmental people. Their snarky commentary on everyone around them is meant to make them look like assholes but they’re not unlikable characters because they’re self-aware assholes. They’re in on the joke that is our society right now, which leads me to my next point about the controversy of this show.
  3. The Internet haters of Difficult People are outraged about the exact same stuff this show is making fun of and they don’t even know it. In the pilot episode, there’s a scene where Julie tweets that she can’t wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough for R. Kelly to piss on her. The joke is obviously over the top and making fun of how we idolize celebrity children before they’ve even done anything while at the same time reminding everyone how disgusting R Kelly is. In the episode Julie faces backlash on twitter and decides to delete it. In real life there was the same exact reaction TO A WRITTEN JOKE IN THE SHOW MAKING FUN OF INTERNET OUTRAGE. The show is making fun of how ridiculous people’s sensitive reactions are to everything and then they go ahead and prove it right. Watch Blue Ivy Clip Here Let’s all just hold hands, sing kumbaya and laugh at this show because it’s hilarious. Also shout out to the commenter who left this review on IMDB: “Obnoxious show about chatty egocentric gossip queens.” Nailed it…

BONUS: As most former SNL cast mates’ creations go, there are a fabulous amount of guest appearances including Fred Armisen, Kate McKinnon, Rachel Dratch, Martin Short, etc.

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Best episode (so far): “The Children’s Menu”-Episode 5 where Julie and Billy open a restaurant for adults but with only kids menu food and realize they hate children. I’d like to put it on record that if a restaurant for adults called “The Children’s Menu” actually existed I would eat there at least once a week. CHICKEN NUGGETS 4 LYFE. Anyway, Billy and Julie publicly battle a 19-year-old entitled YouTube star and it’s can’t-miss TV.

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