JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/18/2020

1. Another One Bites The Dust.

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Megan Fox was seen gallivanting around with Machine Gun Kelly recently so rumors started swirling about her and Brian Austin Green getting a divorce. Brian then used his podcast to announce that they’ve been separated for months and it’s all good. They want to Hollywood new-age co-parent and do vacays together and shit and they love each other but Megan Fox just realized when she was in another country filming a movie (coincidentally with Machine Gun Kelly) that she just liked being a single gal without kids and living it up so that doesn’t really mean GREAT things for their marriage, obviously. Since then, she has basically confirmed that she’s boning MGK (how do skinny wieners like Machine Gun Kelly and Pete Davidson consistently pull in hot older woman ass? A burning question that may never be answered) via the new music video he dropped this week. As much as I want to hate this song, it grows on you. And now I think it kinda slaps. Does this make me an MGK fan?

If you want my personal opinion–that’s why you’re here, right?–Megan Fox is overrated as hell, stinks as an actress because all she ever does is play the hot girl with basically no inflection or personality and Brian Austin Green deserves to find a forever Donna to his David. And that’s the tea.

2. Warm Fuzzy of the Week.

If you watch the above videos, you’ll see that some little kid gave his neighborhood FedEx driver a skateboard and told him to get it to Tony Hawk. Natch, all it took was the FedEx driver’s TikTok to go viral and Tony Hawk replied with a shoutout to the kid as well as one of his skateboards. I don’t often post adorable things that celebrities do because I’m so busy ridiculing them for being idiots and/or rubbing their fame and fortune in our faces or in the case of Taylor Swift, begging her to notice me and sweep me up in her BFF entourage. Regardless, this was a real win for Tony Hawk and for TikTok, which gets a bad rep for all the underage hoochies dancin on it. I also really posted this story so that I could share what I just discovered this week–which is that Tony Hawk uses his Twitter primarily to tell stories about people who don’t have a clue who he is and that is very entertaining to me. So not only is Tony Hawk a real stand-up gent, he’s also got a great sense of humor and obviously shreds gnar ollies. (Did I do that right, Mr. Hawk?)

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3. Trainwreck Divorce Update.

It may come as no shock, but Very Cavallari has been cancelled along with Kristin’s marriage. Did E! Executives say: we don’t want a reality show without that sarcastic sassy hubs of yours? Maybe. Or maybe Kristin realized letting a reality show back into her life wouldn’t fit the narrative of all the mud she’s been slinging about Jay to the press. Either way, the world will have to live without a show that highlights a girl named Brittainy (because of course it’s spelled that way) prancing all over Nashville with maximum cleavage at all times. She will be missed. Unfortunately this also leaves the door wide open for Kristin to sashay back onto the Hills because she now fits the bill perfectly for that reboot of washed up moms who still want to act like they’re 23 at Les Deux. Playboy Spence is campaigning HARD to get her back on The Hills and I’m just not sure if I’m mentally or emotionally prepared for that. Don’t get me wrong, if it happens, I’ll watch, but I won’t enjoy it.

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Also, since we can’t go a few days without an update on their divorce proceedings (or questioning if Kristin gave herself a mother’s day tribute from Jay’s instagram…gotta respect the hustle) I also made a note in my phone to mention that they’re basically giving their house in Nashville away. They bought it for 7.9 million, they’re selling it for 5 million. YOOIIIIIKES. That’s gotta hurt.

4. Stop Declaring the Song of the Summer in May.

As 1/2 of the famous duo that CURATED the soundtrack to the summer for 10 straight years also known as Summer Palooza, I can confidently say that if you declare a song the SONG OF THE SUMMER in May, you’ll regret it by end of June. I know this, because I too have fallen prey to this trap. The ONLY exception to this rule was the year JT dropped Can’t Stop the Feeling. It was a diamond in the rough considering it was made for a Trolls movie, but that was the SINGULAR scenario where I excitedly trumped it the song of the summer and it was INDEED the SONG OF THE SUMMER. So anyway, I now present to you, songs that were released this week(ish) that are most certainly not THE SONG OF THE SUMMER. If you beg and plead hard enough, maybe Nikki and I will bring Summer Palooza out of retirement if only to give you bitches a lesson in what qualifies as a three-month long seasonal slap.

5. Good News is worth a lot of Cheddar.

Remember the Youtube show that John Krasinski made during this pandemic that has everyone buzzing every week? I’ve blogged about it strictly for Office cast reunions, but basically John Krasinski the handsome devil that he is, created this show out of the goodness of his heart to spotlight good news and also kick it with his celebrity friends and give us all a taste of an Office reunion and probably keep him busy during quarantine. The entertainment industry is so RABID for new ideas because they recycle the same old shit constantly, that after John’s 8 episode run was over there was a legitimate bidding war for the IP of the show. John sold out and now Some Good News will be on CBS…without him. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT?! Like way to take a good, wholesome original thing and turn it corporate ya money-hungry grubbers. I’m not even mad at John because he created the idea and he deserves the payout…but man,  Hollywood ruins everything. (I’ll retract that statement the day they offer me even a penny for my work. BUT UNTIL THEN I WON’T BITE MY TONGUE.)

BONUS: This is a very weird wormhole that I went down, but everyone was really jazzed about the below clip where Sarah Ramos (of Parenthood fame) and Dylan O’Brien (of Teen Wolf reboot fame) redid a scene from the Social Network.

And that’s cool and all, they obviously did a good job and you can watch the original scene at the end for reference if like me, you haven’t seen the social network in a solid 5 years. But what really entertained me for the rest of the night, was going into a deep dive on Sarah Ramos’ instagram. Girl has been just regularly recreating obscure movie and TV scenes on her own and they are GREAT. Shout out to her for just doing the damn thing. I’ve included my favorites (all pre-teen classics) but you can refer to her Instagram page for a real variety of content. Her ability to match Hilary Duff’s voice really sold me. Shouting out an incredibly cringeworthy Heidi/LC fallout scene from the Hills was just the cherry on top.

(Proof that even in her teen years, Megan Fox was playing THE EXACT SAME “CHARACTER” she always plays. I rest my case.)

And in the spirit of sharing videos of one single person filming themselves and getting way too into it, here are my TikToks from this week. If you don’t follow me on TikTok yet, you’re obviously missing out on some of my best content. I can’t allow that to happen, which is why I will continue to blast it out on my blog and also text 5-10 people the video every time I make one. Someone I like telling me I’m funny counts 10x more than a stranger on TikTok liking my video, although I will happily accept both. I’m just doing the Lord’s work here really, blessing y’all with selfie videos you never knew you wanted or needed.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/11/2020

Happy Friday and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

If you know me you know that I don’t make a big deal about my birthday. Just kidding, if you haven’t sent me a gift and/or birthday wishes deeper than an “HBD” Facebook post, you’re dead to me. Now let’s dive into breaking news this week other than me being one year away from turning thirty and still living in complete and utter shamblez.

1. The Office Wedding.

The only downfall of John Krasinski’s Some Good News is that it comes out at the beginning of the week so everyone has already yapped it to death by the end of the week. But this reunion deserves a shoutout. Pam & Jim’s wedding with the entire office recreating the JK Wedding Dance is an iconic moment and the fact that they all were able to deliver that to us in the shitty year of our Lord 2020 is definitely SOME GOOD NEWS.  Knocked it out of the park with that one, JK. (Wedding starts around the 8 minute mark if you’re not interested in anything other than celebrities…if you’re actually a good person who cares about the world, feel free to watch in full.) And might I add that Dwight kicking a bridesmaid directly in the face in the original episode is laugh out loud hilarious and when he recreated it I still burst into a fit of giggles. Guess I just really like watching bitches get kicked in the moneymaker. Other than allowing us all to enjoy a flashback to when we could shamelessly enjoy Chris Brown’s Forever without feeling guilty that he turned out to be such a dirtbag, John also invited Zac Brown on to sing the bride down the aisle with a new tune and it got REAL dusty when that happened. That handsome devil John has managed to make me cry at literally every one of these episodes he does. If I may complain though (I don’t know how not to) it was weird as hell watching someone surprise get married on Zoom. Like I feel like a little preparation or further instruction wouldn’t have hurt in this scenario. The bride is supposed to be “walking” down the aisle and yet we’re all just sitting there staring at everyone’s faces while Zac plays a lick. Even when Forever comes on everyone pretty much stayed seated. You’re gonna tell me that ONE TWO THREE FOUR hits your speakers and you’re NOT immediately dropping it down low?! Like come on, if you’re gonna have John Krasinski officiate your wedding and bring all of his celebrity friends you really gotta go for it. Felt a little stiff, TBH. And for my final complaint, he invited their parents on and her old ass dad barely got a peep in ON HIS DAUGHTER’S WEDDING DAY. (My dad would never stand for that.) Were they Zoom muted?! And of course his only comment was we never thought this moment would come. Burn city, Population: Susan. For more Office superfan content, Jim also went on the Office Ladies podcast to recap the Casino Night episode and shared tidbits about their first kiss and how he kept the original teapot gift from the show. I would have listened to the episode to get more juice but I committed to the first episode of this podcast when it dropped and wanted to chop my ears off SO badly from how annoying these two were that I couldn’t fathom listening to anymore. I’m a fan but I won’t put myself through that, even for BTS deets.

2. Jerry Stiller.

We lost a classic comedy actor this week and honestly the roles that I remember him for are what are considered as his “second act” and even those were iconic, which means I can’t even imagine everything he did before I was even born. I love the fact that Jerry and Anne were a comedy duo and still managed to stay together for 62 years. SIXTY. TWO. That’s unreal. They worked together, didn’t kill each other and stayed in love and laughing forever. That’s the dream right there. To be clear, the dream is that someone finds me funny for 62 years. The never-ending love thing seems suspicious. Either way, Jerry lived a full life in show biz and gave us a lot of memorable characters. It says everything about me that one of the first ones I thought of was him and Anne in Heavyweights as the Bushkins who get pushed out by Tony Perkis. Hi-Hi-HIYA! I guess that’s why when we all went around the room in film class in college and were asked to share our favorite movie, I said Heavyweights while everyone else named Oscar-winning films. But I digress. Jerry played dramatic outrage like nobody else and had the ability to make shouting pretty hilarious and not at all abrasive. And for that among a billion other things, he’ll be remembered.

3. Anotha Quarantine Divorce.

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To be completely up front with you, when I read the headline that MK was getting a divorce, I honestly had to think long and hard as to when she even got married. Then I scolded myself because I included her wedding in the JUice because they had BOWLS OF CIGGS at it. And honestly, HOW COULD I FORGET THAT?! MK probably wore a black cloak as her wedding gown, marries a French banker and they encourage everyone to celebrate their union with unlimited puffs. Unfortunately for us all, a very smoky wedding does not a successful marriage guarantee. Unfortunately for MK, the state of NY does not find a divorce filing supes essential during COVID times and therefore it’s being tabled. She also tried to file an emergency order because apparently Sarkozy terminated their NY lease and told her to get the hell out. So basically as we all have learned, divorce sucks already and then you throw fame and a national pandemic in the mix and shit really starts popping off. Here’s hoping Ash can help a sister out in a New York Minute.

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PS I would be a terrible blogger if while blogging about a divorce of a couple that probably had no biz being together to begin with, I didn’t include their most iconic photo together. Cause nothing says forever love like forcefully holding someone’s head in place to smooch them.

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PPS Last night my sister said the phrase so little time, which triggered me to sing the theme song from MK&A’s WORST show (Two of a Kind was their best, obviously)–I was a little rosé buzzed last night so I thought I was being hilarious–but that song is a BANGPIECE. So let’s all enjoy it as we say farewell to MK’s marriage.

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4. Kaitlyn Bristowe: Popstar Edition.

KB’s really going for broke this Quarantine szn. She already has a podcast, scrunchie/hair accessory line, wine label, live tour of her podcast (obviously had to be cancelled) and does various appearances for Bachelor-related things. Last week she dropped a Youtube show and this week it’s a single. And you know what? If I had a following like hers that was willing to drop $22 on a regular ass scrunchie, I’d try it all too. The only thing stopping me from being a total attention whore is that I don’t have a following. She releases this very mediocre, produced pop country (can we really call it country?) song and it’s a best seller on Apple music just because of how many fans she has that worship whatever she does. And again, I’m jelly. This is coming from a jealous place. I mean people were comparing her to Taylor Swift. Give the song a listen and let me know if that sounds like  a T.Swift joint. Am I going to probably download it anyway? If I’m being honest…yeah. I’m probably also going to re-watch the first episode of her Youtube series where she talks about moving back home in her late twenties after a breakup and being depressed AF before going on the Bachelor and becoming D-list famous so that I can visualize that for myself as well. Maybe by my 34th birthday I’ll talk about how I went from making TikToks about hand sanitizer that had 0 views to becoming the next Joan Rivers. You know how people make vision boards? That’s mine. Frame it. We’ll circle back in a few years. Wouldn’t hate having my own Rosé either. Add that to the list. And nail some choreography for real and not in a “but you still look like you’re having fun” way. But that’s all. K, I’m done.

@thesaltyju

If you don’t also scream sing HE LOOKS UP GRINNING LIKE A DEVIL, are you even a Taylor Swift fan? #cruelsummer #taylorswift #fyp #swiftie #lover

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Also we get it…you guys LOVE AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER. Ugh. ALL the eye rolls in the world. It’s not taking a risk if you sell out scrunchies in a matter of seconds…you know you have fans that will buy your product whatever it may be. K, bye for real now.

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KB releasing a song today is just another depiction of her manifesting the dreams she had always envisioned. It’s a testament of her ability to conquer her fears of failure and pursue unchartered territory with a refreshing perspective. We live in a culture with significant societal pressures & Kaitlyn has a remarkable way of converting negative energy directed her way into a motivational energy source to succeed. Her commitment to lead the life she always imagined is contagious & empowering. The celebration today isn’t about the fact you’re clobbering today’s music charts – #1 in Canada and #3 in the US (…not a big deal) but that you’re crossing another dream off the bucket list! #ifimbeinghonest

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If I’m being honest, I didn’t think I would ever release this song. I was too afraid, insecure, and kept doing the classic “what if”. I don’t know who needs to hear this but f*ck the what if’s. This uncertain time has shed light on how important time is. So while this song has been collecting dust for over a year, I’ve finally decided to share it with you. Singing has always been something that makes my heart happy. So if I’m being honest, Im still feeling insecure, yet PROUD to share this with you now. I even think we can all relate to the lyrics right now. It’s available wherever you get your music or my bio. Love you guys. Thank you. #IfImBeingHonest Also huge shout out to @jennifer_denmark @savannahkeyesmusic for helping me write this, and @itsmikemiller for producing it.

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5. Lizzie McGuire Gang Hang.

I was hoping something more newsworthy would come through because I know there’s a VERY small Lizzie McGuire demographic here but alas not much was popping this week. I expect 0 of you to sit through a cast table read of a Lizzie McGuire episode about her buying her first bra like I did, so I’m happy to sum it up for you. They chose to read this episode because it was controversial at the time for the Disney channel to be covering puberty and development. They could only say bra a certain number of times and they could only show a pile of bras and not one singular bra. HOW WEIRD IS THAT. Disney channel, RELAX. It’s also relevant as they do the reboot because Hilary has been very outspoken about how Disney plus is really putting a damper on what they can and cannot do and now that they’re portraying a 30 year old, they’re gonna need to get past bras being taboo. So I think we can all go ahead and assume that reboot will never see the light of day. The cast seemed to all get along and they reminisced about how they were a family on set. Gordo has a DISGUSTING mustache and looks like a 70’s porn star and the girls of the cast talked about how they were literally buying their first bras as they were filming this show so it was a little awksies. If you want to read more about how great Lizzie Mcguire was, feel free to check out the blog I wrote 100 years ago where I also talk about begging my mom to get a bra. Now I get mad if I have to put one on. Oh how the turn tables. It was also ironic for Hilary to be reading her part as Lizzie trying on her first bra while her boobs were literally busting out of the top of her tank. Get it gurl. (Unfortunately no mention of the epic Lizzie McGuire movie and Paolo, or a shitty Italian accent from Lizzie, which I feel like we all need in these trying times. She did pronounce Oboe wrong though, so I guess there’s that.)

BONUS: Jimmy Fallon is still producing the tonight show from his home and I find any sort of group video call where they can all sing together and sound harmonized very impressive, so jam out to this little diddy they released this week. Brendon Urie has a phenomenal voice and I feel like I shit on him a little bit last year when he was featured on ME!, so I’m giving him credit now…a year later.

 

BIRTHDAY BONUS:

Here’s the part where I might normally be like hopefully this is my best year yet! But I learned from my mistakes last year. You would think physically choking on a hunk of raw zucchini that a hibachi chef fireballed down my throat, being moments away from getting the Heimlich from one of my friends who happens to be a nurse and then dry heaving that zucc chunk up underneath the table all before dinner even started would have been SOME SORT OF SIGN THAT 28 WAS VERY MUCH NOT GOING TO BE MY YEAR, but alas I was a little slow on the uptake. So given that I’m turning 29 in quarantine as the world burns before our very eyes and we’re forced to trust humanity to follow rules, wash themselves and keep us all alive (plus I’m unemployed AF & going on month 6 of living with my parents), I’m just gonna go ahead and say: feel like 29’s not gonna be my year. If it is, I’ll be pleasantly surprised. When it’s not, I’ll just shrug my shoulders and be able to say my favorite phrase on this earth TOLD YA SO!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/25/16

1. This meaty eye candy knocked up his wife again.

It’s no surprise that John bulked up for a movie role and then gave Emily one seductive side glance and suddenly she was pregnant. Three cheers for this hawt couple and their second model baby. May your conception story be passed on for generations to come. If you want to get your wife preggers, don’t skip arm day at the gym.

2. Remember Zayn? He’s great at tongueing Gigi Hadid.

After a lot of twitter sass and one leaked song a while back, Zayn has finally shown the world what he left 1D for. So that he can play tonsil hockey with one of the hottest models in the world. Hey, I don’t hate the hustle here. What I do hate is this music video. It’s trippy and weird and I could’ve gone without seeing a flower blossom out of a woman’s lady bits. I see what Zayn is trying to do here with this smooth Usher-esque bedroom eyes jam and it’s alright, but what steals the shine is obviously my girl Gigi. She is flawless in this video, even when she’s crying blood. (seriously, thanks for the nightmares Zayn.)

3. This song still bangs.

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell (one of my fave Hollywood couples) took some time off from doing Samsung commercials to cut together this Toto music video from their vacation like 4 years ago. What it brought to light is that this song is still a banger. Don’t sleep on Toto, guys. In addition, we learned that even on safari, where there is probably limited access to makeup and hair products, Kristen still looks like a dime piece and I’m real jelly.

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4. Two Holy Men Meet.

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The pope had the distinct honor of meeting all that is holy Leonardo Dicaprio this week. They shared some picture books, a laugh, and Leo spoke Italian at the Vatican and every woman in the world needed to change her undies. The pope bid him farewell with “Go forth my son, to love and serve the Lord, and win an Oscar finally.” (Probably.)

 

5. 1D Baby Debut!

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Meet my little lad, Freddie 👶

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As reported on last week’s JUice, Louis has a son and only a week later he already made the little nugget insta-famous. AND HE HAS A NORMAL NAME! What a treat. Freddie Tomlinson snuggles right up to his dad’s tats and apparently no recognition is given to the baby mama who pushed that human through her vag.

BONUS: Rihanna and Drake collab it out again.

Spend the weekend deciding if this song is the most annoying thing on this earth or musical genius worthy of a Tidal-only release. I’m leaning toward annoying, but that’s just me.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/13/15

1. John Krasinski vs. Anna Kendrick in Lip Sync Battle of the year. Totes didn’t anticipate including these lip sync battles in my JUice every week but then they had two bangin weeks B2B (no coincidence that the two are married) and it was more than worthy of sharing. REAL heavyweight battle this week between queen of funny, cool, hot girl Anna Kendrick & dreamy Jim Halpert, creator and lip sync GOAT. I think John’s recreation of the Bye Bye Bye Marionette video was the best lip sync ever. No frills, just his dashing good looks and smooth dance moves. Anna brought her dance moves out to play with Booty and an appearance of JLo at the end sealed the deal for her. Even though they were both top notch in this battle, I still feel like John was robbed. I get that it probz doesn’t look good to award the guy who created the thing but c’mon, he shook his junk around in a sparkle mini as a sassy Tina Turner. Also petition to get LL Cool J the F off this show. Anyone? Anyone?

2. Pitch Perfect releases newer trailer and pls don’t disturb as I spend the rest of my day listening to the Bellas. Highlight: Becca & Jesse mack sesh.

3. Harper Beckham woke up like this. SHE’S THREE YEARS OLD. No biggie, just a three year old front row center at a fashion show looking more flawless than I will ever look. Yeah that’s right, I’m jelly belly of a toddler. Whatevskeets.

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4. Mr. Bubbles, King of Smooth, posted an Insta with a girls donk in it and is getting Internet shamed for it.

Can the world EVER have a sense of humor? If you put your buhhole on display like that you’re giving anyone with a camera phone the rights to take a funny selfie with it. Duhs. That’s not me talking, it’s science. Also Bubs nails the blue steele in this.

5. SJP goes back to NYC on HBO. 

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The show is called Divorce and follows Carrie Bradshaw after Big dumps her. Just kidding, but you know that 100% of the viewers absolutely think this show will be a sequel to Sex and the City. Here’s hoping Molly Shannon is the Samantha. Does this mean there won’t be a Sex and the City Movie 3-5?

ENJOY THE WEEKEND, POPPETS!

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