GAWDDDD Covid has ruined just about everything on this earth and awards season is obviously included in that. The shitty post-holiday winter months suck so hard because there’s no Christmas cheer but there is a shit-ton of snow and cold and yet for a loser like me, awards szn helps make it not so terrible. The weather outside may be dismal but at least I could count on the warm embrace of my judgment bubble as I roast celebrity fashion choices at the Globes, Grammys, Oscars & SAG Awards. Those were the days. Obviously Covid went and cancelled/postponed most major awards shows yet for some reason the Globes were like WE WILL SOLDIER ON…virtually. And boy oh boy does virtual TV blow the big one. Nothing is more painful than watching people get interviewed on a Zoom delay or an opening monologue delivered by people on two different coasts to a room of strangers. HALF THE FUN OF THE MONOLOGUE IS THE STUFFY CELEBRITY REACTIONS TO GETTING ZINGED. Ugh. Anyway, here’s all I could manage for the red carpet. Sorry if it sucks, it’s Hollywood’s fault.
WORST
Can appreciate this sassy leg pose but cannot appreciate her lady lumps being outlined on an evening gown, sorry dawg.
I mean an effort was made here and we need to first and foremost acknowledge this magazine cover photoshoot. That being said, this dress is giving me ice dancer vibes and I’m not over the moon for it but it is certainly elegant.
After watching I Care A Lot –which I immediately recommended to everyone I’ve ever met — I cannot stand this sharp AF bob. If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll understand why as she plays maybe the most hateable character on this earth. Spoiler alert she won and it was very deserved if looking at a photo of her triggers my hate for her fictional character. But also, this dress is straight up hideous and something you would find in a costume bin at those speakeasy sepia-toned photo booths. All she needs is a top hat and a rifle to complete the look.
Makeup is flawle$$ but I’ve never been a fan of the “I can see your entire naked torso” trend.
Ah yes of course because why WOULDN’T you toss a green screen under-armour material turtleneck on underneath this designer suit. WHAT?!
This photographs in a much more forgiving way than I would’ve expected because when I saw it onscreen my eyes literally bulged out of my skull. It is essentially neon running gear piped into a dome dress. I thought it was fun in this picture and then once I saw it in action, I had to gracefully bow out. It is an athletic circus tent.
This is so boho chic, which is a weird choice for the Globes but a solid choice for doing a tour of wine country with your gal pals. Add a trendy felt hat and sub rocker chick booties in for heels and you’ve got yourself a day, gurl. Does this make me a celebrity stylist? Obviously yes. But still not right for the Globes.
Kate is hitting a little too close to 80’s prom with a chunky belt and fluffy sleeves.
If you’re going to star in a show that is literally centered on trendy kewl Parisian fashion, you’ve gotta absolutely BRING IT to an awards show. This granny embroidered dress is NOT BRINGING IT. BONSOIR.
I know this isn’t the nicest thing to say but this picture made me laugh out loud. Between the shades on the red carpet, the cool guy hands clapped together pose and the fact that his pants are so tight I can see the outline of his Willis and Doodleberries…it’s funny as hell.
Oh boy this is a lot going on for ya girl, Laura. Two thumbs down to the loose turtleneck/choker/whatever this is. Then your eyes wander south and hit these heels with like hoop piercings sticking erectly out of them and a chain band. Wuph.
Oh, Maya. Oh, honey. No, no, no. KITTEN HEELS AND A MUUMUU? Are you walking a red carpet or a midwestern mom vacationing in Honolulu for the first time?
Another blurry as hell screen grab, 12/10 for puppy naps in frame, 6/10 for outfit. This is a real weird take on the cold shoulder.
This literally looks like a curtain that has been underneath a roof leak for 15 years with a snippet from a Hell’s Angels tapestry glued to the top.
Wingardium Leviosa!
Holy banana boobs.
WHAT ERA ARE WE IN? A NECK SCARF AND PENNY LOAFERS? NOW I’M JUST SHOUTING AND MAD. THIS IS A PERIOD PIECE COSTUME.
Ok, I’m done shouting. But, seriously, am I missing something? It’s literally the 70’s up in this B.
BACK TO SHOUTING. A MINT GREEN BABYDOLL DRESS, FOLKS. WITH BOWS UNDER EACH NIP. AND PINK EYESHADOW. I feel like I fell into a wormhole and ended up at a sweet sixteen circa 2003.
Holy hell this is a lampshade. Also while I’m taking shots, I might add in that Susan hosted the pre-show with Jane Lynch, which of course just consisted of a bunch of zoom interviews and I’ve never seen someone stumble harder on the job than Susan. Multiple times she mispronounced the world GLOBE. TONS of awkward silences and weird exchanges and at the end before the show was about to start, they threw it to her to make closing remarks and apparently she had already checked out of the trainwreck because she just stared at the camera like a deer in headlights and then stuttered out something about how it was great before Jane realized she was completely crapping her pants on Live TV and took over.
Golden Hollywood couple and all (I can say that because it looks like Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson were not in attendance) but this baggy silk separates look was basically glorified unflattering jammies in a skin tone.
BEST
Total babe soda look and also she’s pulling off the milkmaid braids that I made my mom do in my hair over the summer after seeing them look cool as hell on an actress in a Hallmark movie (I’m cultured AF, I know) but when I looked in the mirror I almost puked my face off because the trend did not translate to my head. That’s a very self-centered way to tell you that she wears them better than I ever will and I’m super jelly belly.
I’m a sucker for flowers and pink so even though this has MAD salsa dancer vibes, I’m down with it.
GIVE IT TO ME WITH THIS TURQUOISE TUX, BABY.
Could do without a mermaid bottom here and would LOVE to see what’s kickin in the back (are they bows?) but LOVE the color and material and obviously her hair looks windswept fabulous.
DAMN this is R E G A L, yo.
Bold choice to dress in the same color as the carpet from head to toe but I’d be lying if I said she didn’t look good.
Here’s a garbage picture of Carey mid-awkward pre-show interview because THIS IS WHAT WE’VE COME TO. From her underboob to the top of her head, she looks amah-zing.
I really ‘preciate the celebrities who went so extra because otherwise my red carpet blog would cease to exist in Covid awards days. Andra looks stunning.
Love the dress, love the purple cast as a pop of color, LOOOOOOOOATHE the hair. SLICKED HAIR WILL ALWAYS BE ICKY. Also she’s a got a real five head on her to be pulling her hair back like that at all.
Ooh, in the words of your fictional sister, LOVING THIS FOR YOU. Sparkles and mustard and metallics, OH MY!
I feel like this is a funky look for Amy and she’s crushing it. Also, I see that middle part girl. Look at you going all Gen Z on us!
Men finally getting the memo that teal is such a baller choice for a colored suit is really working for me.
Angela is killin it as well with the eggplant feathers and this fierce power braid.
Justin’s basically wearing black jeans. What a bad boy of H’wood. Brad Pitt would NEVER.
Leave it to Jared to exude sexy with his tousled perfect locks and a massive plastic flower. Also, I bitched about this on Twitter but it deserves to be addressed again here…how are the richest celebrities on this earth NOT springing for a webcam that costs like $50-$100 and makes your video quality look like a cinematic experience. Instead these hoes are all like nah, I’ll just use the shitty grainy cam on my laptop or ipad and we’re good to go for a nationally televised awards show.
Tina getting real spicy with those tights. Can appreciate the hot girl move of basically wearing a men’s tuxedo jacket as a dress although it also kinda looks like she’s dressed for a CE-Hoes sorority party.
Gal gave us one of the WORST early lockdown moments with the singsong celeb chorus of Imagine while the world went into a pandemic that WE STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN OUT OF A YEAR LATER PROBABLY BECAUSE OF YOUR SHITTY VIDEO but this outfit might soften the blow. She’s WERKIN those stems and the hair is on point.
Elle Woods or Isla Fisher? I wholeheartedly approve of a Barbie pink gown.
Jane Fonda got the big achievement award of the evening and gave a classy acceptance speech where she shouted out the films she enjoyed this year rather than blabbing on and on about herself and why she’s so great. She also looks fab in this crisp silky suit.
I’m obsessed with this dress. It is the quintessential princess ball gown and I want to swish all over Kaley’s mansion backyard with copious amounts of lawn furniture in said princess gown.
C L A S S I C. A leg moment but understated jewels and pops of red. The perfect fancy event look.
Sterling always looks solid.
I think dresses like this are cool as hell but I would never in a million years wear one because I can imagine that she basically cannot bend considering she’s covered in metal and also it’s potentially scratchy/stabby on the inside. Looks great tho.
BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:
They flashed to Jason and his group of fellow nominees before a commercial break and when I first laid eyes on this tie dye hoodie I laughed out loud. As someone who has worn some form of a tie dye sweat for the past 9 months I related to this HOARD. Then he actually won the award and it became very clear that not only did he not give a flying F when it came to his apparel, but he was also high as a kite. Again, really bringing the entertainment value up a notch to watch some guy whose edible just kicked in, realize he has to pull an acceptance speech out of his ass. Once the shock wore off he tried to get philosophical and Don Cheadle gave him the wrap it up signal, clearly trying to dig his buddy outta the hole. And listen, when your baby mama leaves you for Harry Styles, you get a free pass. Party on, Jason.
And as always, a shameless plug to my live tweeting, which 0.0 people care about and yet I still feel it is absolutely necessary to do for each and every awards show as if people are waiting on the edge of their seats to see what my reaction is to each dreadful minute of a 3 hour show. The day that someone starts paying me to live tweet awards shows is the day that I will finally know what pure joy is.
Starting with my advanced prep to even watch the damn thing to begin with:
In the end I returned the stupid antenna and utilized a free trial of YouTubeTV instead.
The Salty Ju 