JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/14/16

1. Think twice before you eat food, YOU ANIMALS. 

This is Seth Rogen’s latest venture and obviously it has all the key players of a Seth Rogen production. It’s dirty and it has all of his BFF’s in it. Apparently it’s the very first R rated animated movie. I can definitely get down with it. Except for the whole bun character. I don’t need to stare at an animated vagina for 2 hours. Jus sayin. Really makes you think twice about how you’re considered a murderer every time you shovel food down your gullet. JK CARROTS CAN’T ACTUALLY TALK, GUYS. I’m going to go ahead and keep inhaling food at an alarming rate, thanks.

2. Child Stars who aren’t F’ed up.

Since everyone knows the 90’s was that hawt shit, today’s tv and movies are doing everything they can to feed off of that decade. Next up, a reality show featuring child stars Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner), Christine Lakin (Al Lambert), and Beverly Mitchell (Lucy Camden). It’s supposed to follow them now and show how well adjusted they are. (I guess we’re going to gloss right on over Jodie Sweetin’s casual meth addiction…) I’m not sure if this will be must-see TV. UNLESS Bev spills on what it was like to tongue Lance Bass on the set of 7th Heaven. Lucy may have been a diehard Christian but that didn’t stop her from being all about that bass and I’d love to hear some juicy deets.

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3. Taylor Swift the swimsuit model. 

Taylor and Calvin just rang in their one year and decided this week to celebrate with a bunch of bikini shots of Taylor in a tropical location. HOT DAMN legs for days. Who knew Tay had it in her? Suddenly the girl who only showed her belly button one time and it was front page news is striking mad sultry poses in a bikini (still no belly button b-t-dubbs.) Calvin’s bod ain’t so bad either, I guess.

4. Mariah tries to stay relevant.

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Mariah Carey got a reality show called “Mariah’s World” on the Kardashian network. When asked about the show, Mariah said,“I thought it would be a good opportunity to kind of, like, show my personality and who I am.” Since Mariah is a notorious asshole diva I’m assuming she’s trying to rehab her image a touch. Watch her plan her billion dollar wedding this summer on E!

5. Hit the gym, bruh.

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Movies

Ranking Mary Kate & Ashley’s Movie Boyfs

Like many of my 90’s counterparts, I grew UP on MK&A original movies and often found myself wondering why my family vacations didn’t entail meeting a cute boy and falling in love before the week was over. They gave me travel AND boyfriend goals with their Oscar-worthy flicks. They were SO important to me, in fact, that I find myself buying them up on DVD so that I can relive the magic now that VHS players are extinct. That is how I found myself filling up a glass (or two) of wine and watching the twins take on country after country on a Saturday night, trying to remember what I ever found attractive about their cheesy foreign suitors.

Spoiler alert: New York Minute is omitted because they sold out for it and it SUCKED..stick to straight-to-VHS, girls. Getting There also does not make this list because I remember absolutely nothing about it…and do not have the desire to ever re-watch it. Saaarrryyyy.

Here the pieces of man (boy) meat are ranked from worst to best:

14. Jordan, Holiday in the Sun

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Jordan was easily my most hated MK&A character of all time and that’s including that snob of a child Keegan in this same flick. The first red flag should’ve been that Jordan was wearing a wife beater at the club…that one dirty undergarment SCREAMED that he would get them thrown in the Bahamas slammer. Red flag numero dos is that he’s a local at a vacation resort. He is NOT what time it is. Jordan is BFF’s with a sixty-year-old guy named Champlain who wears Hawaiian shirts, sketchy sunglasses and a poorly styled white mullet—yet is surprised to find out he’s a criminal. Also his career is feeding fish and he DEFINITELY smells like fish guts 24/7. Alex is on her spring break and her first date with the Jordmaster is helping him clean the fish tanks and feed his underwater friends. He obviously knows how to woo a girl. NAHT.

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First Kiss: After Jordan takes the stage to serenade Alex with an original song (it’s actually a good song…the only nice thing I’ll say about him but like… you’ve known her 1 whole day I don’t think you love her in any shade) they have a delicate kiss after he utters the worst sentence in movie history—see worst pickup line below. (Original song/First Kiss also below, I suggest watching on an empty stomach)

Worst Pickup Line: “Has anyone ever told you that I’m going to kiss you?” UGH. BLECH. VOMIT. COVER MY EYES AND EARS. If anyone ever uttered these words to me and came at my face I’d jump into the probably very near shark tank at Atlantis. Get lost, Jordan.

13. Michel, Passport to Paris

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Michel is barf city. He wears a bucket hat for FAR TOO LONG and Mel is still all about it, it MUST be the accent, there’s no other excuse. When Melanie goes to Paris her interests include froyo at the mall but when she meets starving artist (teenage flower shop employee) Michel, he teaches her about art and music. He wah wahs about his dad forcing him to be a butcher instead of a musician and honestly I can’t with Michel. You’re like 14, do less.

First Kiss: At the dance, at the same exact time that Jean kisses Ally, because twins lose their kiss virginity together or else there would be a WHOLE lot of jelly belly going around.

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Worst Pickup Line: “It’s what you feel when you look at art” He literally forces her to look at paintings. No thanks. Also he calls his grandpa “grandpazer”. Au Revoir, Michel.

12. Ryan, When In Rome

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Not only does Ryan have sonic the hedgehog hair, but he also gets friend zoned, HARD, which barely makes him viable for this list. Leila finds out that Ryan’s riding his uncle’s coattails so he can play with all of his luxurious toys and is all bye, Felicia I have goals. He obviously tells her to lighten up because he is a big spoiled turd with no redeeming qualities. Leila gets Ryan to buckle down and work for his uncle by the end but when he tries to take things to the next level again she’s like uh, could you go fix your hair?

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First Kiss: Never. Ryan gets denied TWICE…first with a handshake then with a hug. Do you need some Italian ice for that burn, Ryan?

Worst Pickup Line: “You know what they say, when in rome…” No Ryan, she still doesn’t want to run her fingers through your prickly hair.

11. Ryan, Billboard Dad

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Apparently Ryan’s stick together in the boyfriend-ranking world of the Olsen twins. This kid was a PUNK. He was like 10 years old wearing a leather jacket and had an eyebrow piercing. Hey Ryan, pull this crap in like 8 years. These girls haven’t even hit puberty, they’re certainly not going through their bad boy phase yet. Even though Ryan wasn’t a boyfriend…he actually becomes a step brother—it was necessary to include him JUST so I could publicize this picture of him wearing jorts and then casually diving into a pool while still wearing said jorts. Have you ever felt wet jeans? It’s the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. Anyway, at one point Emily says, “He should be arrested for his crimes against fashion” and I’ve never agreed with anything more. Book him.

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First Kiss: Never because he becomes family and the Olsens aren’t into incest.

Worst Pickup Line: “I got a new tattoo and it has to stay out of the water for 24 hours. Doctor’s orders.” Technically this isn’t a pickup line but that dumbass hunk diving coach Brad falls for a TATTOO THAT CAN’T GET WET (on a small child.)

10. Paolo, When In Rome

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Paolo is kiiiiind of an asshole but blames all of his a-hole qualities on being Italian, which after spending 3 months in Florence and seeing how the Italians give 0.0 F’s, kind of makes all the sense in the world. Charli (such a trendy name) likes to work hard and earn respect and Paolo is like working hard is for nerds let’s kick back and gaze into each other’s eyes while we slum our intern work off on someone else. Although it seems like Charli isn’t really into Paolo because he’s kind of a doucheypants and got her fired, she ends up falling right into his “Ciao, Bella” clutches. After calling all American girls uptight, they smooch all over Rome and he sexually teaches her how to make pizza. CAUSE HE’S ITALIAN, SO HE MAKES PIZZA. DUH. He’s not dead last on this list because I can appreciate an American girl getting swept away by a smooth talking Italiano (Paolo and Isabella, anyone?)

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First Kiss: After Charli explains what a GPS is to Paolo (who looks like she just told him that this machine would take them to Venus) they swap spit on his Vespa.

Worst Pickup Line: “It’s your first day in Roma can you please how you say chill and have some fun?” DO NOT TELL ME TO HOW YOU SAY CHILL, PIZZA BOY. 

9. Adam, The Challenge

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Adam was kind of a dweeb and definitely demoted himself on the ranking for his cheesetastic dialogue and love of Hawaiian shirts with coordinated shell necklaces, plus I’m not fully convinced that he wasn’t a ginger. (Overall could’ve done with a whole lot less Adam, a whole lot more Marcus…see #6)

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First Kiss: When they’re hiding from Max (the producer) whose trying to catch them on camera kissing so he can DQ them from the games. Stop being such a perv, Max, no one can stop this island love.

Worst Pickup Line: “I think you’re pretty amazing. Pretty and amazing.” No. Just no.

8. Jean, Passport to Paris

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Jean is good looking for a thirteen year old (I guess…in like a really non-creepy way) but he speaks shitty English and when the rain comes he gets sad (actual piece of dialogue from his mouth.) I guess I understand Ally’s attraction to him because he makes a scene at a French restaurant for her then smokes a breadstick like a REAL badass. Their relationship is impractical because neither of them knows what each other is saying, normally it would be the perfect foreign hook up…except that the girls are like 12 in this movie and it’s their first kiss. Womp wompppp. Anyway, Jean is the epitome of the study abroad boyfriend dream when he gives her a private tour of the city on his moped and throws rocks at her window. So I guess he’s alright.

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First Kiss: At the dance where him and Michel’s band plays…slow dancing and a quick peck because France plays it fast and loose.

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Worst Pickup Line: His impression of Americans: “American girls like to LAAAAAUUUUFFFF. American girls zey walk like this. Bonjour, Bonjour, OH MY GOD.” Hey Jean, no one says Bonjour in America. Get it right if you’re going to take the stage for a five star impression.

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7. Cody, Billboard Dad

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Cody was cool to the max and more than willing to use his LA connects to woo Tess, his middle school crush. Deduct points for his bucket hat, but we’ll let it slide because he’s an aspiring rapper and invited Tess on a date to see No Doubt in concert—when she can’t attend he brings her back a tape of the concert and a t-shirt. What a dreamboat he is.

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First Kiss: Cody wears a leather jacket because he thinks Tess is into bad boys and when he confesses he doesn’t know what else to do to get her to like him she gives him a kiss on the cheek. PG style, obv. (Side note: he can’t tell the twins apart which pretty much voids his crush if he doesn’t even know which one he likes)

Worst Pickup Line: Any time he raps…bro needs a little work on his lyrics but he’s got nothing but time for that.

6. Marcus, The Challenge

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I probably shouldn’t openly admit that when I’m dazzled by a guy his personality takes the backseat but that is clearly the case with Marcus. He’s a doucheroni and basically sniffs around for dirt then uses it against Lizzy and Shane in the competition for better TV ratings, typical reality show slime machine. But have you seen those eyes? And that smile? And when he rocks a backwards baseball hat? Swoon. Plus he’s only an intern and the producer is already taking notes from him…so he’s obviously going places.

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First Kiss: After Lizzy makes it through the final challenge without getting eaten by snakes Marcus swoops in and is all congrats I’m proud of you even though I created this challenge based on your worst fear.

Worst Pickup Line: Probably the part where he confesses he’s been a snitch. Kinda hard to get the girl when you’re telling her that you’ve been manipulating the show to make her life mizzz.

5. Brian, Winning London

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Brian was gr8 because he was a moron. He made sports references every other sentence (we get it, you play football) and had literally no idea Riley was in love with him, thus continually calling her kiddo and telling her that he’ll never forget the time she ralphed up hot dogs at the Dodgers game. Riles is persistent though and teaches him to dance with some very PG hip-bumping until her sister accidentally C-blocks her. Finally the two find love in a hopeless place (an air duct) and ride off into the sunset on a horse, obviously. Brian may have been stupid, but he was a real piece of man meat who held his pinky up while drinking tea…plus Bri & Ri? Could there be a more compatible couple name?

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First Kiss: In an air duct after Ri tells Bri calling her kiddo makes her undies drier than the Sahara.

Worst Pickup Line: When he gives Riley a sports pep talk before she has to make the final debate instead of Chloe. Find your chill, Brian.

 

4/3. Pete & Avery, Our Lips Are Sealed

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Let’s get real here, these two were EXACTLY the same person. They were basically twins themselves, and even completed each other’s sentences. Whatever, I don’t hate it because they were obviously top BF material but we’ll just refer to them as one—Pevery (yikes.) The “surfies” were into xtreme sports (walking across the Sydney bridge, jetskis, surfing), were chill AF and didn’t care about the popular betches. Plus like they had surfer bodies, killer tans and perfect teen popstar hair. What more do you want from them? What–am I supposed to say something funny here? SOMETHING FUNNY!

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First Kiss: Do they ever kiss? Don’t they just have surf wars and dance on the beach?

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Worst Pickup Line: “We don’t wanna rush anything but…tomorrow’s Saturday. Got any plans?” I’m guessing it’s pretty much social suicide in Aussieland to not have plans on Saturday.

2. Griffin, Holiday in the Sun

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Ok, so some of you may be wondering how Griffin snagged the #2 spot when he was preeetttyy much a certified creep-stalker. However, I think what’s most important to note is that out of all of the many Olsen boyfs, Griffin was the only one who didn’t fall in lust after JUST meeting the girls. Griffin’s known Madison since they were little and has developed a love for her over time because they both like books and shit. THIS IS GREAT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. This relationship has staying power, even though Madison originally pursues the dumb hot party kid at the resort, she soon learns the error of her ways when she sees Griffin spying on her from behind a plant in her hotel room. Just kidding, sort of. He’s nerdy attractive and says things like “I couldn’t sleep because the mere thought of spending the day with you made me twitch with anticipation.” Whoa. That’s some deep shit, Griff. Plus his delivery of “DON’T SPLASH” was the best display of acting I’ve ever seen. Nice guys don’t always finish last.

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First Kiss: In front of the waterslides at Atlantis. Pure romance. Even better is that when he thinks they’re going to die/get arrested he stops her Bond style to sneak a kiss “in case he never gets a chance to again.”

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Worst Pickup Line: “Everybody’s got a hobby, right? You’re mine.” Apparently Madison didn’t think that meant he wanted to turn her into a skin suit because she promptly laid one on him.

1. James, Winning London

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James has a whole lot of things going for him, the first obviously being that he’s super attractive, the second being that he’s British and therefore has an adorbz accent and lastly he’s rich AF and basically royalty…need I say more? James and Chloe had the ultimate meet-cute when he rescues her from a piece of toilet paper stuck to her patent leather boots and then Chloe promptly trips over a bag. It was a rocky start but realistically, if James could get past that knit cap she was wearing inside, these two can overcome just about anything. (Which was put to the test later when Chloe slicks her hair back, puts on a suit and her best lip gloss to pass as a boy…) James’ father is a lord (and a real DICK) but he lives basically in a castle and plays polo in his backyard. Also did I mention that he rides a horse like nobody’s bizzzz? Someone fan me. Unfortunately Lord Dickwad calls Chloe an American peasant and tells James to stop seeing her…It’s a good thing nothing can come in between their true love that was developed over the course of 3 days.

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First Kiss: Moonlit cruise by Big Ben. #RichPeopleProbz

Worst Pickup Line: When Chloe said we’re going to make some alliances and James smoothly replies, “Let’s make one of our own, on the dance floor.” PUKE.

JAMES

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Music, Playlist

Hip Hop Hooray Playlist

Sometimes I like to show you guys that I have range…that I can publish a playlist including a song by The Cheetah Girls and cartoon band from Doug then pull a 180 on you and make a playlist of some 90’s gangster jams. I like to keep you on your toes. Enjoy some OG hip hop tunes this week.

1. Hypnotize- Notorious B.I.G

Obviously it wasn’t 90’s rap without East Coast vs. West Coast and Biggie was the heart attack waiting to happen reppin my region, may he rest in peace. #Gone2Soon

Most Disturbing Flow: “At my arraignment, note for the plantiff, Your daughter’s tied up in a Brooklyn basement (shh), Face it, not guilty, that’s how I stay filthy (not guilty)” Comforting.

2. Jump-Kriss Kross

Switching gears to some young’ns in the biz to show you that sick beats can come from all ages. The Daddy Mac and The Mac Daddy threw on some backwards jerseys and dropped this track that makes me wanna JUMP, JUMP. I have a not so secret obsession with this song and Kriss Kross in general, to the point where my iPhone caught on right quick and started autocorrecting “wig” to “wiggitywiggitywiggitywack” and I didn’t hate it one bit.

Most Disturbing Flow: “I like my stuff knockin’ knockin’, I love it when a girl is like jockin’ jockin'” These two keep it PG. Respect.

3. Still Not A Player- Big Pun

One day I got bored at work, was listening to some throwback beats and made a bulletin board of pictures of dead rappers, a beautiful tribute if you ask me. My boss did not feel the same way and politely asked me to take it down when he saw it. I guess I should include that my boss was my dad and I should probably win the award for worst employee ever but it was a summer job and cutting out pictures of rappers interested me more than windows did. Anyway, Big Pun was front and center on the tribute board because he was large and in charge. RIP BIG PUN, hope you still playin’ up in Heaven, crushin angels left and right.

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Most Disturbing Flow: “My my, I’m big huh, I rip my (prick) through your hooters, I’m sick, you couldn’t measure my (dick) with six rulers.” A poet, really.

4. Shoop- Salt-n-Pepa

I think it’s time we had a little bit of lady rapper lovin. This song is dirty but this time the tables have turned, boyz, it’s about women objectifying men. Do it, Pepa!

Most Disturbing Flow: “You’re a shotgun – bang! What’s up with that thang? I wanna know how does it hang?” Well? Are you gonna answer her?

5. Good Vibrations- Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch

He may be a respected actor now but let us never ever forget where Mark Wahlberg got his start, as a rapper from Dorchester, spittin those rhymes. He will probably never bring Marky Mark back and it’s a true shame because there is not one disturbing flow in this song…it’s literally all about dancing and being drug free. Yeah, can you feel it, baby? What a gentlemen’s rapper.

6. Tha Crossroads- Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

Bone and the gang recently made headlines for saving a guy’s life, no biggie. What they should be making headlines for is the music video for Tha Crossroads because it is downright terrifying. Do I understand a word that they’re saying? Of course not..nobody does. Oh, ok according to the lyrics this song is about faith and people dying…who would’ve guessed the gang could be so deep. I guess the music video makes more sense now. I’m gonna go ahead and just keep singing Crossroads, crossroads, crossroads like the ignoramus that I am.

Most Disturbing Flow: “Why they kill my dog and man, I miss my uncle Charles y’all” WTF. DOG KILLERS. Oh yeah and his uncle died too.

7. Are You That Somebody?- Aaliyah

This is the only time in the world I will allow baby sounds to enter my ears because this song is fire flames. RIP Aaliyah…this playlist is getting really crowded with dead people…yiiikes. Anyway, DURTY SOUTH foreva.

Most Disturbing Flow: “Sometimes I’m goody goody, Right now I’m naughty naughty” Just about as tame as Marky Mark and his funky bunch.

8. California Love- 2pac Ft. Dr. Dre, Roger Troutman

Obviously you can’t have East Coast without West Coast and their bandanna wearin’ king (may he rest in the witness protection program). Remember when hologram 2pac was a thing and it was nightmare inducing? I’m kind of glad they didn’t push that further, let’s just remember human form 2pac lovin on the west coast.

Most Disturbing Flow: “Pack a vest for your Jimmy in the city of sex.” LA= STDs…noted.

9. No Diggity- Blackstreet Ft. Dr. Dre, Queen Pen

This song got a nice white basic betch revival via Beca throwing it down riff-off style in Pitch Perfect. Regardless of if it’s performed acapella or OG, it’s the stuff. Can we make No Diggity a thing again? Like, hey you coming to my party? NO DIGGITY. Just a suggestion, think it over and get back to me.

Smoothest Flow: “Curve’s the word, spin’s the verb, Lovers it curves so freak what you heard.” Nailed it.

10. This Is How We Do It- Montell Jordan

PARTAAYYYY JAM. Get down and wave those hands all over the joint! This is kind of how parties were when I was in high school. Just kidding, it wasn’t all good in my hood, we drank Mike’s Hard Lemonade in the basement after our parents went to sleep. But whatever, that’s neither here nor there.

Most Disturbing Flow: “So I reach for my 40 and I turn it up” This made me instantly taste warm 40 in my mouth and almost puke a little. So in that way, it’s disturbing, otherwise, the general rule is “Drink 40’s, get shawties.”

11. Doo Wop (That Thing)- Lauryn Hill

Ya girl Lauryn Hill just trying to do a little justice in the rap game and warn the ladies that some guys just want the V and then they’re outtie. Thanks for this PSA in such catchy tunes, Laur, sometimes we all just need a little truth bomb. COME AGAIN, COME AGAIN.

Smoothest Flow: “Babygirl, respect is just a minimum” PREACH.

12. Just A Friend- Biz Markie

Real talk: this song only made the cut because I laugh out loud every single time Biz Markie blubbers out “I asked her name she said blah-blah-blah.” Names are irrelevant, what IS relevant, is that she had a VERY big bra. Get after it, Biz. Get outta that friend zone. And also maybe never sing again. Thank you.

13. Let Me Clear My Throat- DJ Kool

The horns in this song are the truth and it’s basically a guy just calling out to everyone and coughing every once in a while. Crushing it. Not going to lie I feel preeeettttyyyy great when he shouts it out to the ladies who have real hair and fingernails and a job and I can make some noise. LIFE GOALS.

14. Hip Hop Hooray- Naughty by Nature

I don’t have much to say about this song other than the fact that I felt obligated to include it because I ripped the title for this playlist. Also there’s a guy named Treach in Naughty By Nature, which is an interesting choice for hardcore rap name. Let’s move onto some really cool AF rap names…

15. C.R.E.A.M- Wu Tang Clan

But seriously could there be a cooler collection of rapper names than Wu Tang Clan? RZA, Method Man, Ol Dirty Bastard, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck… so fre$h. I’m not obsessed with this song but I put a little Wu Tang on for my favorite rapper The Reevolution and he BETTER ‘preciate it.

Most Disturbing Flow: “Everyday I escape from Jakes givin’ chase, sellin’ base, Smokin’ bones in the staircase.” Ya know, just a regular day.

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Pop Culture

Cringeworthy 90’s Boy Band Posters

Remember when you couldn’t wait to get the latest issue of J-14 or Teen Beat or Pop Star so that you could take the staples out and cover your walls with fashionably dressed teen pop hunk? If you’re wondering how ridiculous that seems today, look no further than this collection of weird boy band photoshoots that were once suuuuper attractive to teen girls and now it’s suuuuper embarrassing that I could ever scotch tape a picture of 5 guys dressed in overalls on my wall. I have graciously broken each example down by theme.

Trends come and go, but puppies are FURRRR-ever.

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We sing and do choreographed dance moves, but WE LIKE SPORTS TOO.

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Don’t judge us because we like the way silk feels…

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“One is silver and the other’s gold.”

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Mah dressed us.

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Whoutfits make us seem laid back and super casj.

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Peekaboo, we wear briefs!

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Denim isn’t cool unless it’s coordinated with your bros.

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We Woke Up Like This

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The THAT’S SO 90’s group hang

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Just in case you forget who we are…Check my bodysuit OR my visor.

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The smart outerwear look

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Only the finest of linens

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We have better jewelry than you (apparently Dreamstreet’s only styling tip)

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We do Xtreme stuff! SO HARDCORE.

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The “Happy Holidays, Grrrlll”

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WTF. No seriously. What could possibly be occurring here?

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And finally…the CLASSIC shirtless hunks with less desired members artfully placed/covered so as not to distract from the real man meat of the group:

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JT & Nick Lachey, front and center where they belong ❤

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/25/15

1. 90’s Reunions are all the rage. The hussies of Cruel Intentions did a little girls night out to see the musical version of said movie and Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair got reacquainted with each other’s mouths. In more PG reunions, sitcom pals Jodie Sweetin, Christine Lakin and Beverly Mitchell (Stephanie Tanner, Al Lambert & Lucy Camden) had brunch and didn’t make out with each other. Oh, 90’s nostalgia. Gets me every time. Side note: We can all agree that Cruel Intentions is one of those movies that if it’s on TV we stop everything to watch, right? Just so disturbingly good.

2. Jason Derulo has a new album full of bangers on bangerz. I put one of his new hits on last week’s JUice but then he threw us for a loop this week by putting his full album out for preview and I haven’t stopped playing it on repeat. Whatever J creates turns to gold. Guy hasn’t made one single song I hate in the past like 3 years. Do your ears a favor and give Everything is 4 a listen.

Full Album Here

3. CMT Music Awards to be hosted by Erin Andrews & Brittany Snow.

LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 18:  Singer Nicki Minaj attends the 2014 Billboard Music Awards at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 18, 2014 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

What? Pick two more random people to host an awards show for country music. This will most certainly be a trainwreck. Tune in June 10th at 8P to see it all transpire, because you KNOW I will and it will be blogged.

4. I can eat more pizza than Beyonce. Queen B is hammin it up in Florence, dabbling in some pizza and gelato and when she posted this picture of half a pizza, my face immediately broke into a shit-eating grin. I’m finally better than Beyonce at something.

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Not only did I crush a whole pizza in Florence, I did it on the REG. I may not be a superstar billionaire queen, but I can PUT AWAY A PIZZA. Respect THAT. Bow down bitches. #CleanPlateClub PS: Did Bey get a heart-shaped pizza? Answer: NO.

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5. Prince Farming and his Milkmaid are headed to Splitsville instead of Podunk, IA. 

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This is last on the list for obvious reasons. A mere months after Chris dum dum Soules picked Whitney because she was the only one who agreed to move to Iowa, they’re dunzo. Color me shocked. Although now that the show is over, can we cut the shit with Chris being a “full time farmer” in Arlington? Bro just did The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars B2B. Something tells me he’s not flying back to Iowa every night to tend to his cows. The schtick is up. He lives in LA and he’s about to become a career reality TV star. Put it in the books.

BONUS for getting through this short week: Zac Efron and his biceps went hiking in Hawaii this past Memorial Day. Lick.

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Movies

90’s Movie Characters I Wanted To Date

The fact that I had to ask multiple people if this blog would be funny or creepy can pretty much tell you what line I’m toeing here. The first boys to snag my heart were the classic movie characters of the 90’s and some of them happen to still be great boyf material (fictionally speaking…) Also my legal advisor (my dad) told me to not refer to any of these characters as hot. Probably because they ranged from like 11-17 in these movies. Whatever. I like to play it fast and loose.

10. Josh Framm (Air Bud 1-100)

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Although I can only say I watched the first Air Bud…who doesn’t love a cute guy who loves dogs and also happens to be teammates with his? It’s fate that Josh found Buddy because the two of them were an ally oop dream team (and apparently in later sequels they dabbled in football and soccer) WHAT CAN’T THIS PUP DO?! Regardless, Josh’s BFF was his dog and that’s something that’s definitely not lame when you’re a kid. It’s swoonworthy.

9. Max Dennison (Hocus Pocus)

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Max was Joe Cool new kid from LA. Although he took a fair share of bullying, he got a bomb ass nickname from it. Hollywood had game for dayz when he slipped Allison his digits while wearing his best tie dye and then later took her on a date to a haunted house. He’s cool enough to admit he’s a virg when he lights the black flame and then does his best to protect everyone from getting murdered by a bunch of sassy buck toothed witches. What a dreamboat.

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8. Josh Burnbalm (Heavy Weights)

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Bet I threw you for a loop with this one. Hey, I can get down with the chubsters if they have a kickass personality like Josh did. Josh was the OG of Camp Hope and had an admirable collection of hats and track jackets like a real stud. He was confident and funny and after getting kicked out of camp he even knew how to pull a prank on his fellow fatties when he pretends he was brainwashed. Josh was as smooth as the chocolate stored in Chipmunk cabin’s top bunk.

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7. Wally Cleaver (Leave it to Beaver)

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The Beav was kind of a little annoying runt, but what really made this movie were the few glimpses of his older brother Wally as hot stuff. Wally was macking on girls during seven minutes of heaven and stealing his BFF’s crush while Beav was getting his bike stolen. Who was the more interesting Cleaver? Plus, THAT hair.

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6. Casper (Duh)

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K, I’m not about to throw a ghost fetish into the mix, but the fleeting moments in this movie when Casper turns from ghost into human form and gives Kat a smooch? Yes please. Who would’ve thought that a cartoon ghost could be such a cutie IRL. Ghost Casper lays the groundwork to be Kat’s BFF and then human Casper snakes right in and slow dances with her to seal the deal. Good teamwork. Also related but unrelated: the actor who plays Casper, Devon Sawa could’ve easily made this list as three separate characters, guy CRUSHED it as the love interest in 90’s movies.

5. Dean Portman (D2: Mighty Ducks)

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Dean Portman was ½ of the Bash Bros and one whole hunky piece of meat. As an avid bandanna wearer who knew that sleeves weren’t in his best interest, Dean loved to rock a little pre-game air guitar and then lay out anyone who got near him on the ice. He fulfilled my bad boy fantasy as a young’n, but he also had a soft spot for a little bromance with Fulton Reed. These two were an aggressive dynamic duo who could get down with slumber parties. (Also we can all agree that D2 is 1000 times better than the original Mighty Ducks right?) Bonus points: Dean had the body of a pro hockey player even though he was supposed to be like 15.

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4. Jesse (Free Willy 1-3)

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Although Jesse was a little brat at first because he was homeless and sad about his mom hating him, he shaped up real quick and became the apple of my eye. Mostly because he became BFF’s with a killer whale. Oh hey, have you guys met my boyfriend? He’s over there riding Willy through the Pacific, NBD. Jesse could rip the harmonica, was passionate about his best bud and saved him from captivity but still hung out with him on the reg. If you’re wondering if I’d use Jesse to get to Willy, the answer is a hard yes.

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3. Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)

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Henry broke his arm one summer and when the cast came off he was the best pitcher for the Chicago Cubs. Supes realistic. Whatever, Henry was funny, cute and could totes get me season tix for all you can eat Wrigley Field wieners. And his mom was his BFF which was pretty adorbsies, plus he never forgot who his real friends were. #Loyalty, #MillionDollarPaycheck, #MagicalBones

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2. Rocky (3 Ninjas)

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Although any of the three boys could’ve made this list, Rocky was the oldest and therefore the most appropriate to have a crush on. Rocky rides a mean bike, dunked in a kid’s face at school and oh wait…is a NINJA. The only thing holding him back? His girlfriend, Emily. WOOOF. You can do better than that, Rocky. Every time I watched that movie I wish Rocky was whispering sweet nothings from a can into my bedroom, not hard puffy bangz Emily. Anyway, Rocky protected Emily when she got kidnapped in her embarrassing pink nightgown which obviously means he’s a phenomenal boyf. Plus he knew how to wear the shit out of a backwards hat, hair poking through.

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1. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (The Sandlot)

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It should be no surprise to any Sandlot fans how Benny The Jet topped this list. Benny was without a doubt the coolest, most heart-fluttering character of my formative years. He was sick nasty at baseball (and not just because he broke his arm), he was generous to people who sucked (I’m lookin at you, Smalls) and he pickled The Beast. Benny was also a giver to his obviously less hot friends. He totes could’ve gotten Wendy Peffercorn but he let Squints go for the chase while he kicked back and had dreams about Babe Ruth giving him life advice. Benny lacing up a fresh pair of Chucks and hopping that fence still does things to my thirteen-year-old heart. Is this getting pervy? Probably. Whatevs, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez foreva…cause heroes get remembered but legendary characters I wished were my boyfriend never die.

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And just for kicks, here’s what everyone looks like present-day. As like, legal adults.

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Music, Playlist

90’s Pop Jamz

It’s been a while since I’ve forced everyone to listen to the best songs of previous decades so here we are again. This time it’s the OBVIOUS pop bangers of the 90’s and early 2000’s focusing on boy bands and girl bands who were the stuff (with the additional bada$$ bitches who were solo.)

1. Bye, Bye, Bye- N*SYNC. I mean obviously this playlist needs to start with the OG of boy bands, the pinnacle, if you will. Though difficult to pick just one N*SYNC classic, this one came with it’s own dance move and therefore has stood the test of time.

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2. Oops!…I Did It Again- Britney Spears. Because back then there wasn’t a Justin without a Britney. The best kind of song is one that starts with what sounds like a car attempting and failing to start and has a break in the middle for a quick Broadway play…Aww, you shouldn’t have. No really Brit, you shouldn’t have. Mid-song talkies are the worst. But this song isn’t.

3. MMMBop- Hanson. Three young boys with floor length blonde locks sing a song that we LITERALLY will never know the words to. Seriously, WHAT ARE THEY ACTUALLY SAYING? Whatever, it’s catchy AF.

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4. Waterfalls- TLC. This song is about people dying of AIDS and drug overdoses and stuff, pretty heavy, but if you use a metaphor about bodies of water to describe it, suddenly it’s a fresh song with a little sax thrown in. If you can master the Left Eye (may she rest in peace) rap in this then I absolutely need to be your friend.

5. Back Here- BBMak. It’s unfortunate that these guys came out around the same time as N*SYNC and BSB cause they pretty much didn’t stand a chance. They also had the hairstyles of a punk rock band so that was strike 2. Good news is they know how to write a killer whiny love song.

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6. Genie In A Bottle- Christina Aguilera. We’ve seen a lot of Christina’s in our lifetime, Dirrty Xtina wearing assless chaps, retro Christina trying to make the 50’s cool and more recently The Voice Christina trying to be a part of the boys club. It’s important for us not to forget that she got her start being suuuuper innocent singing about getting rubbed the right way. Get it, girl!

7. When The Lights Go Out- 5ive. Damn this boy band had a little FLAVA. And I’m not just talking about how clever it was that they literally used the number 5 in their band name. I’m referring to the swagger they had in this song. SECOND VERSE, GIRL-The rapping is on point. They’re bragging about their bedroom skills and I for one couldn’t wait for them to show me what it’s all about. Not so much after this picture though…

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8. No More (Baby I’ma Do Right)- 3LW. If you don’t listen to this song and immediately burst out laughing to “broken promithes, promithes” you don’t like fun things. 3LW may have had a little street cred as a girl band and telling off their deadbeat men, but THAT LISP. Also they really drive the point home in this song by repeating every word, just in case. Fun fact: I saw them open for N*SYNC and they came out in janitor jumpsuits and stripped them off mid song while dancing and it was suuuupes impressive. It obviously didn’t take a lot for me to be dazzled at that age.

9. Give Me Just One Night- 98 Degrees. We’re going to sweep it under the rug that 98 degrees tried to make a comeback with a song about blowies and really relish the good ole days where all they needed was one night (one night) with a girl. Not for nothing but this song was educational in teaching me my first Spanish words.

10. Wannabe- Spice Girls. The Spice Girls created the girl group and also taught us about Brits. I used to reenact scenes from the Spice Girl movie during recess, unfortunately everyone’s favorite was Baby and BECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH BROWN HAIR I had to be Posh or Sporty. Both options suck and so did my British accent but I digress. Here’s another song where I have heard it 1000 times and still don’t know what they’re saying, but I certainly know that Bevin, Peyton Brooke and Haley did a choreographed dance to it on the roof of a house party. PS Scary Spice’s cackle is EXACTLY how she got her name.

11. The Animal Song- Savage Garden. Let’s slow it down now with two baby faces with the falsetto of angels. This song is about how they wish they were animals because then they could run around all carefree. Don’t we all wish that, Savage Garden, don’t we all. Anyway their CD (I’m pretty sure they only have one?) is the best crying soundtrack you could ever ask for. Trust me. Plus: pwetty boys.

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12. S Club Party- S Club 7. Again, here we are with another classssic British band that taught me new things. For example, I learned that hoochie mamas show their nana’s at any good party. For the record, if their show was still on the air I would still be watching it because it was the shit. Unfortunately S Club 7 pretty much fell off the wagon and tried to do a comeback recently that was quite a scene. Jo no longer has the flow, let’s just say that.

13. Summergirls- LFO. LFO was the badass version of boy bands. They mused nonsense about Scooby snacks and Chinese food and we were like yes, please, Rich.

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14. Candy- Mandy Moore. Again, might be hard to recall a time when Mandy was REAL blonde and singing about craving a boy like she craves candy. Suuuch a stupid song but doesn’t make it any less catchy. Love always, Mandy.

15. Liquid Dreams- O-Town. The original Making the Band kicked off reality TV AND gave us a song about wet dreams. Could we really ask for more? It concerns me to report that my sister and I spent a whole summer day on my back deck choregraphing a dance to this song and not once did my mom say hey maybe stop shimmying to a song about boner jams. It was a great dance though.

16. C’est La Vie- B*Witched. It’s pretty much a rule at this point that if you have an asterick in your band name your cool factor is top notch. These chicks are also suuuupes Irish, which pushes their cool factor through the roof. You don’t get too many pop songs that you could literally do an irish jig in the middle to some bag pipes and that’s what makes this song gr8. Plus it starts with “Some people say I look like me dad”…which doesn’t even make sense.

17. Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)- Aaron Carter. I refuse to ever make a 90’s pop playlist without my gangsta AC. Kid was like 4 ft. tall wearing oversized FUBU with white Nikes and apparently knew how to threw a kiiiickin party while his parents catch a matinee. The different characters in this song, the way he’s talking to the honey’s and breakin it down on the living room dance floor instead of being a good host, and his dad grounding him at the end…what a whirlwind of emotions in one song. Was it the party of the month? No. It was the party of the year.

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18. He Loves U Not- Dream. Although I’m pretty sure I never knew anyone’s individual names in Dream, I know that I loved them. They were super sassy. I had(have) their CD and one of their songs was literally them just telling off a guy named Jordan for trying to date them all at once and thinking they wouldn’t find out. THEY FOUND OUT, JORDAN. I made my very first music video (camcorder style) to this song and it was award-winning if I do say so myself. It was supposed to be a dream sequence (get it?) then during the instrumentals we ran around and pulled the letters “D-R-E-A-M” off the wall to show we were going back to real life. Whoa. Copywritten so don’t even try to rip me off, guys.

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Signature Pink Coordinates ❤

19. The Hardest Part of Breaking Up- 2Gether. These clowns were supposed to be a parody of a boy band but their mockery went over our tween idiot heads and we loved them anyway. Also they had a balding 40 year old in the group, casj. AND they rapped about math. WHAT a breakup jam this is though. These bros could get DOWN and they also would like their cat back pls.

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20. I Want It That Way- Backstreet Boys. It seemed like the right thing to do to bookend this playlist with the two rivals and most popular boy bands of the 90’s. Now don’t get me wrong, I was 1000% team N*SYNC, but that never clouded my appreciation for what BSB was doing. Unfortunately a lot of the teens at this time did let it cloud their vision. My dad’s favorite thing to do (his only entertainment really) when he took us to an N*SYNC concert was to ask tweens if this was the BSB concert and just watch their dramats reactions. I would imagine it’s close to going to a 1D concert today and announcing that you can’t wait to see 5 Seconds of Summer? (1D still a touchy subject?) I don’t know. Either way this song gives me all the feels, and I DON’T WANNA HEAR YOU SAAAYYYY it doesn’t.

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