Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2017

Here it is! Country’s biggest night!* I always can appreciate a good country awards show because the men are usually the fashion risk-takers here. Oscars, Globes & Grammys? A guy is daring if he wears a colored suit. Country music though is where a man can don a sparkly blazer paired with a 10-gallon cowboy hat. Game respects game.

*This week.

WORST.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This dress is fine. The color is good with her red locks and everything but the cutouts are really bothering me. I feel like that trend ended and if it didn’t then it should have because it makes the skinniest people look fat. Nobody wants to see skin flapping out of a geometric cutout.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I honestly have no words for this.I know these clowns always dress like this but I just can’t.

Cam

This frock is all sorts of Victorian ugly. Sry, Cam.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I KNOW I KNOW. Carrie doesn’t belong on worst dressed because she is gorge and can do no wrong but like COME ON. THIS DRESS SUCKS. It’s not flattering and I would like the ruffle sleeves to be gone forever.

Chase Bryant

My eye was immediately drawn to the vagina looking creation patterned across his arms and I’m not sorry bout it. If you’re going to adorn a jacket with feathers, make them look like feathers and not the inside of someone’s lady bits.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Well that’s a look. Gold Maître D’ jacket with crock boots.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

Giving me some real Hocus Pocus vibes. We’re past BoooOOooOoooK season now, Karen. Pilgrims are this month’s theme.

Kellie Pickler

SEAAAAAAAAAAAAWEeeEEEEEEEEEEd dress.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Props to the MOST perfect mermaid waves but this dress stinks.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I’ve never tried to hide my general dislike for Maren but she’s now giving me the most reasons to scoff. What on God’s green earth is happening here? Head to toe.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

Oh alright, now we’re doing open-sequined-80’s workout onesies? COUNT ME OUT.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

Goodbye.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I just feel very strongly that there should be an age limit on leather pants for men.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

These two are hippies. That’s their thing. I get it. It’s just not for everyone. They pull it off, don’t get me wrong. But not for me, ya know?

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This dress shape is overwhelming in a weird way. Brad looks gr8 though.

BEST.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Swooooooooooooooon.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I’m pretty sure these two wear the same colors and variation of these suits everywhere but it works, so whatevs.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This is a fash risk that I’m down with. Understated glamour in this suit. Well done, Dustin.

Faith Hill, Tim McGraw

I mean they don’t get the King and Queen of country title just by chance. Red lip matches his red leatha. These two are flawless.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I don’t think I realized that JJD was QUITE this preggers already but here we go. Loving the red and she still looks like a babe soda.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

One of my favorite dresses of the night.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Another suit that’s crushing the understated sparkle game. Casj and fance all at once.

Lea Michele

Cough, cough, Carrie should’ve worn this.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

These two are like teeth whitening spokespeople. Get on that, Crest.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!

Niall Horan

That’s a Harry pose if I’ve ever seen one. What a cutie. I just wanna pinch his little cheeks!

Pink, Willow Sage Hart

THIS IS SO STINKIN’ PRECIOUS.

51st CMA Awards - Arrivals

Reebz with that hourglass fig! Get it, grrrrl.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I will not for a second hide my obsession with these two childhood sweethearts. Also, Lauren is crushing the dark lip.

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k17

Summer solstice has occurred and you KNOW what time it is. Three cheers for the return of SUMMAH PALOOOOOOOZA. And in great news, this year’s version didn’t start a fight between my sister and I. We are hashtag blessed that making this mix didn’t create a family divide for once* and the best season of the year may begin now. (*We’ll be sick of this mix in roughly 10 days)

I’m the One-Dj Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper, Lil Wayne. As much as it pains me to kick off arguably the most awaited mix of the year with this buffoon DJ Khaled…it’s a bangpiece of a song and that beat just screams summer and drinking. I’m willing to overlook the girl riding a horse with her tits bouncing all over town in the music video, the fact that Lil Wayne rhymed record with record three times and DJ Khaled calling himself a rapper when all he does is shout WE THE BEST and ANOTHA ONE. All for a good summer jam.

djkhaled

PS Sick purple outfit, bruh. NAHT.

Craving You – Thomas Rhett ft. Maren Morris. We will politely ignore the fact that Maren is on this song in any capacity and just groove to TR like nobody’s biz. Hey Maren, why don’t you writhe all over Keith Urban again in your hot pants and bralette onstage? PEOPLE DON’T FORGET.

Cut To The Feeling – Carly Rae Jepsen. Didn’t give our girl Carly a second thought since Call Me Maybe because to be honest, when you start out the gate with the most epic song on this planet, there’s no way you can ever top yourself. But I guess she’s back and she’s feeling the 80’s real hard so here’s this Breakfast Club beat that will never be as good as her first single.

Body Like A Back Road – Sam Hunt. This song is kind of old and a little overplayed but bonus points for it not having Sam’s weird talk/rapping in it and also triple bonus points because he’s gonna take it real slow on my curves. I mean, whoever’s curves he’s singing about. #sexstuff

Galway Girl – Ed Sheeran. SHE PLAYED THE FIDDLE IN AN IRISH BAND! It’s quite literally impossible not to feel happy when you hear this song. It immediately makes me want to do a car bomb and break into a joyous jig. It’s the song of forever, not just the summer.

Another Love Song – Ne-Yo. Hey what happened to Ne-Yo? Jason Derulo pretty much jacked his schtick but guess what…Jason disappointed us this year with some pretty garbage music lately so Ne-Yo is swooping back in to claim his R&Bizzle throne.

No Such Thing as a Broken Heart – Old Dominion. How many songs reference Jack and Diane as if they’re real human beings? I wonder if John Mellencamp gets resids every time they do. That’d be clutch. Either way, here’s some more country because it’s finally warm enough to listen to country and not be depressed AF. Also it’s a song with a nice message and it’s not just about drinking beer and fishing.

Despacito – Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee ft. Justin Bieber. I fought real hard for this number to make the cut because even though it’s 90% not in my language, it just makes me want to move my hips and I’m not sorry bout it. Shouts to JBiebz for getting two songs on Summer Palooza and also making this acceptable for American radio play with his spanglish ramblings.

Sleep Without You – Brett Young. Technically this came out a billion years ago but Brett is a real babe soda and he just wants to snuggle with a lady after she goes clubbin with her lady friends. Can’t knock a guy who lets you do your own thing and just waits for you to come home and spoon him. Actually now that I’ve typed that out he kinda sounds like a loser. But whatevs, the intentions are adorbs.

brettyoung

Remember I Told You – Nick Jonas feat. Anne-Marie & Mike Posner. We were trying to be like the youths by adding this song. I was thinking it appealed to the college aged kids but when I listened to it for a little inspiration for this description my sister’s newborn baby started cooing along to the beat. No joke. So I guess hotter Jonas appeals to ALL ages.

No Promises – Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato. This song is caaatchyyyyy AF. Also it created quite a stir in the news because Demi decided to rock some dreads in the video. Hey Demi, act like you’ve been famous before–everyone knows that whites with dreads offends the world. Run a brush through ya hair.

dreads

Hopin’ You Were Lookin’ – Rascal Flatts. Rascal Flatts continues to prove that three middle aged guys who can’t sing for shit can work some real magic in the studio and release bangerz every year. I wish I could snake it that hard to be rich. I put out a banging summer playlist every year and what do I get? NOTHIN I TELL YA.

There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back – Shawn Mendes. Teen dream Shawn made it on b2b summer palooza’s so you know he’s legit. Honestly he could sing about farting and I would listen to it all day erreday. I just laughed out loud at the word farting. Because I’m about as mature as his preteen fans, so really it all adds up.

Give Love – Andy Grammer feat. LunchMoney Lewis. Shouts to Andy for tossing a little work at LunchMoney. We haven’t heard from him since he sang about the bills he had to pay while sitting on the can, and it looks like he got himself into shape. Just kidding. He’s still 1000 pounds. Andy still kills it at pop-tastic singles. Three cheers for consistency.

lunchmoney

She’s With Me – High Valley. This is the part of searching for new songs for three weeks where my sister and I pull songs out of our asses and decide that they’re summer palooza worthy just because we’re desp. Either way, it’s SUPRISINGLY UPBEAT!

Strip That Down – Liam Payne Ft. Quavo. Truth bomb: Liam’s single is the worst one from all the 1D solo breakouts plus he shits all over the group and said he hates Harry’s music. (The disrespect is REAL.) Regardless, can’t deny that this beat makes you wanna wiggle. So ignore the “I’m so much cooler than 1D” lyrics and drop it low.

Love Someone – Brett Eldredge. Can’t have summer without a new Brett jam. He’s been crushing it lately with fresh music and I’m all in on watching him serenade his pup on Snapchat every damn day until the end of time.

White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. The season cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car. (I copied and pasted this from Summer Palooza 2k16…because this song never changes. Sue me. I dare you.)

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Red Carpet

ACM’s Red Carpet 2017

Country hits Vegas AND we’re finally getting closer to country music season so I’m all in on it again. Here’s the best and the worst of bedazzled belts and aggress spray tans.

WORST

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

The boyf is determined to start dressing like the FGL jabroni on the left and I cannot hit it home any harder that these two are fashion disasters. There is never an event where it is approps to wear a literal denim tuxedo with a hat that ridiculous. I rest my case.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Father Sam Hunt?

cassadee

Kewl bra.

kacey

Sweet butt bow.

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WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

YIKES, Lady A. What’s with the 70’s theme?

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Scotty. We meet again.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

There’s something about the skintight khakis that’s really throwing me off my game here. It’s like khaki leggings. Kheggings?

US-ENTERTAINMENT-MUSIC-COUNTRY-ARRIVALS

Ok dude. Do less.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Never pegged Kellie to be boring AF on the red carpet. Spice it up girl, it’s Vegas. Go crazy!

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Don’t go this crazy. My eyes are bleeding out of their sockets.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Blech.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

I have no words for this floral ‘splosion.

BEST

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Throwing Nicole and Keith a bone here because they usually look like garbage on top of garbage.

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Red carpet look is kind of meh for Faith. Because she straight knocked me out during her duet. Seriously how is she that skinny? Also they both don’t age even for a second.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Baby Rhett’s going to be a stunner.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Favorite minty colors and dubz braid. Kelsea knows just what I like. I was all yaaassss…until she changed into a casj ice dancer for her performance. Yikes.

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52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Shoutout to Jason, this jacket is trendy AF. Wifey belongs in a Vegas club and that is NOT a compliment.

mirandamirandaperformance

BEWBS. No but seriously, Miranda looks good and gave Carrie a run for her money in the legs dept during her boring ass performance.

luke

Luke can never look bad and that seems obvious.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

No joke I actually got an undie slushee looking at this.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

This color is springy and perf.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Classy AF.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Embroidery’s a little weird but the rest is F-U-N!

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Cole “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” Swindell. Coordinated hat and suit game is flyyyy.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

I guess this is a new thing that Carrie’s doing at awards show. She’s not about giving everyone a peep at her legs before the main event. Whatever, I respect it, I guess. Mostly because I literally drooled when she hit the stage in the first few minutes, legz blazin.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Damn, Reba can get it!

Best look of the night goes to Carrie’s legs and it ain’t no competition:

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Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2016

HEY YA’LL, let’s kick off 30 variations of country awards shows with “country” boys in tuxes that I want to lick and…wait what were we talking about? Oh right, ladies were at the CMA’s as well. I’m no Kaitlyn Bristowe cracking jokes and singing songs with the stars of the red carpet but I AM GOOD AT ONE THING and that’s passing fast judgements on fashion when I know nothing about it. Here are the winners and losers of Nashville last night.

WORST.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Little Kidman on the Prairie. Can’t she look kewl for Keith like at ONE country awards show? I mean come on, your huz is a rockstar and you’re wearing a floor length dusty pink gown buttoned up to your eyebrows.

Kacey Musgraves

I’m not completely boo’ing Kacey here. It’s more of a soft boo from the back of the crowd. Her makeup and hair are FIERCE and then she turns into a giant cupcake. I even like the color and material of the dress but like maybe don’t cover Nashville with it?

Easton Corbin

Easton Corbin’s a cutie but I can’t help but see a cater-waiter at a holiday party with this jacket. Or like, guest star on Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Choose your own adventure.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Horses fighting (or loving?) are covering Cassadee’s lady bits. Also never been a fan of the slicked hair. Kardashians can try to bring it back all they want but that’s what my hair looks like on Sunday night when I didn’t shower all day and that’s NOT photo-worthy.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - ArrivalsPls submit your best guesses for what is on his shirt.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Looks like she got lost in the forest and while running scared her dress got caught on tree branches and ripped. Forest run chic.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Did everyone know that this is Rob Schneider’s daughter? Elle’s dad is Deuce Bigalow. Mind blown. Anyway, these pants are the worst.

Dustin Lynch

I mean, Dustin Lynch lands on my worst dressed every year for his embroidered suits.

Maren Morris

Why so mad, Maren? (Cause she didn’t make my best dressed.)

Cam

THE COLORS. THE STUDS. THE FRINGE. MY EYES.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Sweet vagina flap, Jamie Lynn.

Wendi McLendon-Covey

An embroidered doily disaster.

Martina McBride

Did you ever see someone take a foil gum wrapper and tear pieces off from the wax paper then stick it to their five star during an especially boring 5th period science class? That’s what this dress looks like.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Wooferoni.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

The hip flower is really throwing this off.

tay

WHAT IS THIS HAIR?! This can only be described as caught in the rain hair. Did Tay know she was coming to the CMA’s or did she just drop in on her way to Target? Dress is bomb though.

BEST

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I think like 90% of why I love this look is the mid-swish they captured Kelsea doing here. I love a good swish dress.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I need to be alone with this photo.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

1. Jennifer Garner hasn’t aged one single day. 30 going on 13, amirite?! (That joke fell flat, I can already tell.) 2. Both ladies killed the classic and elegant red carpet look.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Changin the game with the only crop this year! Kaitlyn looks like a babe and makes me feel like a real asshole for skipping the gym for two nights in a row because I’m cold.

Canaan Smith

Since Brett Eldredge decided to go to the Cubs game instead of the CMA’s (wut3v3r) this is what I imagine he would wear. So thank you, long haired Brett. (Canaan Smith)

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

WHO are these new stud muffs on the scene? As my mom would say, their outfits are dope.

Jessie James Decker

JJD slays all day.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Chase Rice went for the classic black tux. Never fails.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - ArrivalsThe 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I think I’m more down with the right half of the property bros look than the left half. Suh Fall.

Carrie Underwood

Could use a little more leg but no other complaints here.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Cole makes a baseball cap look suave with this leather lapel suit. (whispers: flip your hat backward.)

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I call this look princess ballerina.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Not usually a fan of the basically black lip (except for my Halloween costume of 2015) but these outfits go together like Maddie & Tae. WINK.

Gabby Douglas

I said Gabby Douglas was so four years ago in my Halloween blog this week but she proves me wrong with this fun party number.

miranda-lambert

Suck on it, Blake.

thomaslauren

I had a solo shot of Thomas Rhett to post but it didn’t feel right without his smokeshow of a wife, who literally all of his songs are about. Obviously they’re the most adorable.

I won’t be recapping the show because it’s 90% performances and I typically fall asleep during half of them (except for Luke, shout out to those thrusts though.) Instead I’ll leave you with the real MVP of the CMA’s. Unnamed sassy sax player. Beyonce who? Seriously I couldn’t focus on anyone but this whoutfit-clad, sparkly cowboy boot wearin, stank-steppin saxaphonist.

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The brightest star in the galaxy of Yeehaw’s.

The only thing that could steal his thunder was McConaughey un-ironically doing his Wolf of Wall Street chest pat.

matthewcmasmcconaughey

Ripped the spotlight right off that sax tootin’ angel without even trying that hard. May he rest in bedazzled cowboy peace.

And that’s all you need to know about the 50th CMA’s.

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k16

 

The sunshine season can’t truly begin until the infamous* Summer Palooza drops.

(*use term loosely)

CAN’T STOP THE FEELING! – Justin Timberlake. I declared this JT bangerang the song of the summer on May 6th when it was released and I stand by it hard. Is it played ad nauseum on the radio? Don’tttt caaaaareeeeee. Get that sunshine in your pocket and just dance dance daaaannceeee like you’re dressed like Ellen.

jT

Summer – Cassadee Pope. I mean, come on. This song was written specifically to be drafted for summer palooza.

I Like The Sound Of That – Rascal Flatts. One of those feel good country songs from a band that are basically considered dinosaurs in the industry by now. Seriously, I feel like the Flatts have been lip syncing at award shows for the past 100 years. Anyway, ❤ the JT shoutout EVEN though they say Timberlake’s got nothin on this girl. WHAT a bold statement.

Superstitious – MKTO. Any music MKTO releases makes me instantly want to drop into a split and spin on my head. Don’t worry. I physically can’t do that, so I’ll white girl head bop instead and let them remind me of the duo from Another Cinderella Story that a young Selena Gomez sassy danced all up on. (Seriously though, are they the same people? Right down to the fedora…)

anothercinderellastory

vs.

mkto

Brand New – Ben Rector. A surprising soulful twist for the mix, it’s time to shed some light on ya boy Ben Rector and bump this for road trip vibes.

Work from Home ft. Ty Dolla $ign – Fifth Harmony. Even though this one’s been floating around since early Spring, I’m still down with it because I DO work from home most of the time. And it definitely doesn’t go like this… Either way Fifth Harmony crushes the high school band practice meets sexual lyrics year after year.

Wherever I Go – OneRepublic. I always forget about OneRepublic because it seems fishy that they’re still releasing music while Ryan Tedder is writing songs for like 90% of pop singers. But regardless, every summer they seem to have new music and this one is surprisingly UPBEAT!

Once In A While – Timeflies. Even though Timeflies released a real weird video for this song, it’s still catchy AF and Cal still floods my basement with just one note. Why aren’t these two super famous by now? They’re about to open for the kid with the holey eyebrow in a mall bowling alley next week. Not even headline…OPEN. What is wrong with this world? Make these two megastars, STAT.

CAL

Fix – Chris Lane. If you’re looking for something to indulge on this summer, Chris Lane is it. He’s got your fix, he’ll be whatever you need. He’s also a straight up smokeshow. Yes Chris. Be all of the things for me, pls.

chrislane

Bacon – Nick Jonas ft. Ty Dolla $ign. Nick Jonas is soooooo0oooo deep now because he wrote an album about his breakup with Ms. Universe but realistically he’s just singing about tossing bacon on stuff. It pretty much makes 0.0 sense but when you add a beat to my favorite crispy breakfast side, it’s summer palooza gold. PS no clue who Ty DOLLA $ign is, but snaps for him earning 2 prestigious spots on this mix. That’s how you get your start in the music biz, so I’ve heard.

Sun Don’t Let Me Down (feat. Nile Rodgers & Pitbull) – Keith Urban. I hate myself for liking this song because it goes against every fiber of my being that hates Pitubull and his Mr. 305, Mr. Worldwide yellin’ ass but it’s fire.

Ain’t Got Far To Go – Jess Glynne. Jess made her debut last summer with some radio hits and we’re getting in touch with our inner jam band/reggae by including her this year. Clap it up for musical diversity. But seriously, put those hands together because there’s a whole lot of clappin in this song.

Like I Would – Zayn. Although I never wanted to support someone who could up and leave 1D, it would be wrong to admit that this bedroom jam Zayn that was born out of it doesn’t do things for me. Plus Harry’s the lead actor in a movie that’s probably going to win Oscars, so no hard feelsies. I would say that Zayn’s pretty cocky about his sex skillz with both Pillow Talk and this, but he managed to snag the hottest young model in the world and I’m gonna go ahead and guess he’s probs good in bed. They broke up for a hot second but GiGi remembered that no one would touch her like Zayn does, so she was like JK we’re back on.

Night’s On Fire – David Nail. David Nail’s a cutie and also consistently puts out classic country songs about hot babes and summer feels. I accept.

Treat You Better – Shawn Mendes. Technically Shawn is more for the teeniebopper Disney crowd but whatever because Stitches was my shit and I can already tell this song just might top that old school Bieber good good.

Snapback – Old Dominion. This is more of a PSA than anything: snapbacks are all the rage now. And by that I mean, backwards hats are all the rage. If you’re of the male gender and flip your hat backward, your pussy magnetism will skyrocket. Facts only. Unfortunately this is a song about a girl wearing a snapback. Less hot. When I wear a backwards hat, my family calls me Icebox from Little Giants. Double standard. Quick recap: guys, flip it backward, girls don’t do it unless you want to be compared to a female trying out for the boy’s football team.

Yes:  lukebryan

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Put It On Me- Austin Mahone Ft. SAGE the Gemini. It’s pretty embarrassing that two years in a row I’ve roasted Sage for what clearly is his calling card. They don’t already know you Sage, no one knows you. And no one will know you if you keep backing up Disney singers on their breakout “I’m a bad boy who does sex” tracks. Nick Jonas skyrocketed over the past year and with this spicy number, it looks like Austin Mahone is about to do the same. And poor S-A-G-E is left behind still just wanting to already be known.

Sorry – Beyonce. This is an unsanctioned add behind my co-producer’s back but you know what? I AIN’T SORRY. Beyonce made Lemonade (and cold hard cash) out of Jay cheating on her. It needed to be addressed on my summer mix. Everything about this song is cocky and cool. Yonce telling Jay to suck on her balls?! Damn. I also cannot and will not stop laughing at how disgusted she is with his F’ing excuses. The delivery on that was A+++.

White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. Summer cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car.

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Red Carpet

ACM Awards 2016 Red Carpet

We went through a quick dry spell of awards shows and then had a double up with the ACM’s and the IHeartRadio Awards. It was a real toss up of which subpar off-season awards show to take in, so I decided to watch the ACM’s live and tape the IHeart’s. I can only hope I made the right decision. If you made the decision to do better things with your winter in April Sunday night, the only real thing that you missed was Luke Bryan acting like he’s never read a teleprompter before and royally stumbling every time he had a mic, including his own performance. Act like you’ve been here before, Luke. Here’s an abbreviated best and worst dressed to kick off the week.

WORST:

jason-aldean-290

I never think it could get worse with Jason and then he sneaks a mustard button down into the mix.

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How much do you wanna bet that Rascal Flatts think they nailed this? They’re like yeah we’re edgy like 1D. The peace sign, the dad shades, and the electric blue shiny suit. Couldn’t get any more embarrassing.

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Throw up everywhere. All of the throw up in the world.

dollykaty

TAKE MY EYES. AND MY EARS.

carrie-underwood-290

C’mon Carrie. Show em off.

scott-mccreery-290

Your regular “Scotty is weird and in a patterned jacket” feature. Extra cool thumbs up though. Nailed it.

BEST:

kacey-musgraves-290

Kacey! Look at you, girl. Such a dramats look.

dan-smyers-290

Go SU?!

brett-eldredge-290

Not only did Brett look hot AF on the red carpet but check out his casj suede performance jacket. Fire flames.

brett

jana-kramer-290

Jana had a baby like 30 seconds before she walked this red carpet no biggie.

dierks-bentley-290

Hot damn, Dierks! #Blessed you looked like such a babe to distract us from stutters McGee Luke.

miranda-lambert-290

Hey Blake&Gwen, Suck it.

kelsealegs

Since I’m not doing a full recap, quick shoutout to Kelsea Ballerini’s legs. I’m creepy and texted my sister about them and she replied “Yeah, great stems” so apparently drooling over female limbs runs in the fam.

RELATIONSHIP GOALZ:

It’s rare for both parts of a couple to look red carpet ready so they get their own section for beautiful people who also dress well.

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Obv.

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Not only do they dress like dimes, but Thomas Rhett serenading his wife with a love song was goals city, population: me.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/29/16

1. The Museum of MK&A.

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Shout out to Lindsey for tipping me off to a kickstarter that funds a museum dedicated to the Olsen twins. Unfortuantely, upon further research I learned that this pitch BLOWS and I will be personally offended if anyone donates money to it. Instead of creating a 90’s utopia where everyone is required to wear bucket hats and pastel tinted shades, where you can watch unlimited “You’re Invited” movies, put anything your heart desires on a pizza and shop til you drop in the Magical Mystery Mall (did I just create Heaven or WHAT?!)…these two morons are raising money to display paintings of MK&A dodging the paps in NYC. No seriously, here are some examples…it’s BLASPHEMY.

2. Country Fire Flames.

It’s beginning to be that acceptable time of year where I don’t get downright depressed when listening to country music because it’s the dead of winter. Now that we’re getting closer around the bend to nice weather, I’m happy to bump this new jam from Jake Owen and pretend I live somewhere warm and full of southern gents.

3. Nothing is sacred. 

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High School Musical 4 is in the works because WE CAN’T JUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE. Seriously? High School Musical worked because when it came out the Disney channel was still cool and their original movies still rocked real hard. Now, the disney channel’s leading show is a fakeout sequel of Boy Meets World that really is just about two weird and annoying 6th graders who wear heels every day to middle school. Stop ruining shit, Disney. You’ve done enough.

4. Blue Ivy Rulez, Everyone else Droolz.

Look, we can dump all over the halftime show all we want but don’t say Uncle Chris tossin Blue Ivy around didn’t just explode your ovaries, ladies. Seriously, be cuter. YOU CAN’T.

5. Fuller House Season 2 Confirmed.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I got Fuller House over with as fast as I possibly could. The writer who said it was the worst pilot this year wasn’t being ridiculous. It really was. What’s even funnier is that Stamos is now teasing an Olsen twins comeback for the second season. They pretty much took a dump all over the twins in several very pointed and unfunny lines of dialogue in Fuller House so what they should be hoping for is the twins’ decision not to sue them. I don’t think they’ll be returning for season 2….I encourage everyone to watch this show so I can have a compadre to make fun of it with but other than that…no. Just no.

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Bonus: Obviously it was a light week for the JUice…but on the good news side of things, The Salty Ju is currently working on expanding into the business world of the internet…and by that I mean I’m working on selling my suuuuper KEWL pop culture-y mugs for all ya’ll. So get revved up for the debut of that next week. I know, I know… how are you supposed to sleep all weekend knowing that’s coming atcha?

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