Music, Pop Culture, Red Carpet

MTV VMA’s Red Carpet 2019

For the first time since 2016, I felt like I was familiar with enough singers & performances to endure the MTV VMA’s. And although they tried to dub themselves music’s biggest night, I wasn’t terribly disappointed! Am I getting cooler or is MTV just catering to my age demographic now? It’s the latter, obviously. There was a BO$$ performance from Missy Misdemeanor Elliott with a cameo from Alyson Stoner (her OG dancer) that brought the house down. Also featured: Taylor Swift, Jonas Brothers, Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello NOT kissing but definitely creating some boner jams, Miley Cyrus and my queen Lizzo serving up some real talk. So, yes, this was an awards show for those above 25 and I accept. Here’s my breakdown of how everyone looked.

WORST

avamax

I get that her hit song is sweet but a psycho but like do we really need to dress like it’s a comic con event to hammer it home?

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I DON’T UNDERSTAND TRENDS. THIS IS A WOMEN’S SUIT STRAIGHT FROM 1982. HE WON A FASHION AWARD LAST NIGHT. HOW.

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I’ve been dabbling in Snooki’s insta lately and even (gasp) browsed her online store and tbh I expected her to look a lot cuter. This weird rain coat with wedges combo didn’t hit for me.

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DJ Khaled’s style is dad at Señor Frogs and it makes me laugh out loud because WHAT A NERD.

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I’m having a real difficult time getting on board with gauchos again. They were in circa 2005, I bought 5 identical pairs of them including a sweatpants pair from AE (versatile) and now I look back at those pictures and scream laugh at how stupid they are. Please don’t bring them back. Put them away again. You should never have to question where someone’s legs/feet are.

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What fresh hell are these shoes that look like they have teeth on them?

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LOOFAH.

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Sorry Bella but this is weird as hell. What happens if you pull the straps on the bottom? Does her whole outfit scrunch together like the living room shade that it most definitely is? God I need to know.

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HALSEY. Cuuuuuutttt the shittttt. I’m so sick of seeing you in a dominatrix outfit every time you walk a carpet. YOU IS KIND. YOU IS BEAUTIFUL. STOP DRESSING LIKE A TRASHWAGON.

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These are drapes.

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Holy SHIT Allison. What’s the point in even wearing the dress?

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Taaaaacky.

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Just Diplo bein himself, forever on my worst dressed list.

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Great bod but ya’ll know how I feel about nearly nudes on the red carpet.

I get that we had a little throwback to the 2000’s night what with the Missy Elliott medley but by no means does that require a B. Spears snake copycat on the red carpet, LET ALONE TWO.

BEST

justinmikita

FLOWER.PANTS.

queen

I’m loving Queen Latifah in orange. I’m loving her Asian tourist dubz peace sign EVEN MORE.

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I recently saw Bebe Rexha live and she turned me into a fan just by wearing leggings and shaking her ass an IMPRESSIVE amount all over the stage. Girl gives good thigh and I’m here for it.

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Best way to win a moonman? Dress like one. Respect.

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Covered up that butterfly tattoo with a nice teal suit.

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Never would’ve guessed J.Woww would be the classiest of the crew but she looks great. Living her best life without Roger.

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B2B yellow lewwwwkz. My favorite color of the moment.

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If you hate Lizzo and her cocky as shit persona then you have a big dump in your pants.

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COLORS. BLAZER WITH NO PANTS. OVER THE KNEE BOOTS. REVERSE SWEETHEART NECKLINE. WHIMSY. Her performance outfit was better, tbh but this works too.

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Pink suit really complements his blue hurrrr.

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I can’t shout out Tay’s blazer/over the knee boot combo deal without also shouting out Megan’s! #hotgirlsummer

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Billy Ray’s still got itttttttt

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Outfit looks great, I’m really concerned about the fact that Gigi is a model and her go-to red carpet move is a gaping mouth. Is that what models do now? Should I start opening my mouth for pics? Trick question I already do.

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Curveball–Lenny’s pulling OFF the Canadian tuxedo.

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Always love a subtle leopard.

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Gotta give all the props considering these three goobers wore emerald green, royal blue, and orange suits (respectively) on their stop in Albany last week and it looked like we were accidentally at a Wiggles concert. Keep it simple with greys and blacks, boys.

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DAAAYummnnNnn Whit looks like a babe soda!

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Love this move by Lil Nas X. Especially because he didn’t top it with a bejeweled cowboy hat.

TWINZZZZZZZIES. Literally. They’re wearing the exact same suit, one was the host of the show, one hosted the red carpet. Would be suuupes embarrassing if I didn’t LOVE a summer aqua. T wore it better. White sneaks awl day.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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I don’t have words. Everything about this outfit is perfect.

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Red Carpet

Critic’s Choice Awards Red Carpet 2019

Didn’t watch these but when has that ever stopped me from salivating over the red carpet? Don’t answer that.

WORST

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I think the fact that this is basically a one piece tux is throwing me off. I wonder if she’s wearing a diaper because there’s NO WAY that’s easy to disrobe for bathroom times.

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Remember last week when I told Amy Adams to take a risk? Yeah I didn’t mean wearing the exact same dress with puffier sleeves.

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Flew too close to the sun last week as my best dressed couple of the night. This was a hard fall and I feel v. disappointed.

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WTF CONNIE?! Full body sequins AND a puke lime green?! Even your hair isn’t in it’s typical Tami Taylor mermaid wave. Clean it up.

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Yay to the fact that full frontal exposure will be translating to every carpet this season!

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KeWL more BeWbZ!

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YELLOW. SUNGLASSES. (Also for someone whose wah wahing about always playing gay characters…)

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Hold me….like the river Jordan….(for those of you who still haven’t seen Free Willy cough cough KAT, this is an Orca reference)

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TYSM Laura, for giving us a new twist on showing off your rack. The asymmetrical  boob peephole.

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Why put a Victorian spin on nudity?

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This is LOUD.

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Quite literally looks like blood stains dribbling down her dress.

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As a tip from one curly head to another, bangs don’t work on us. Just something you have to come to accept.

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Sarah sees my cleavage rant and raises the stakes to a WHOLE NOTHA LEVEL.

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I feel like both of these outfits could’ve been found in the linens section. Tablecloth meets curtain.

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It has become very clear he’s just looking to make waves at every appearance this awards season. The only waves you’ll be making is treading water on my worst dressed. Boom. Roasted.

BEST

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WHOA the color, the texture, it’s electric!

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Sparkly! And even though there’s a peep, it doesn’t lead to nipples. I approve!

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My overwhelming love for a matching lip and dress far outweighs my hate for this ultra deep front V trend.

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This is a shower curtain but honestly I’m hard up for best dressed and this is Lady Gaga’s time to shine.

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Throwing Regina a bone because even though this is pageant-esque, purple is my favorite color and it looks good on her.

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Wins the DAYUMMNNNNN award of the night.

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THIS JACKET!

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The white looks clean and classy but I think we could’ve lost the cape here.

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My namesake going for sexy without being skanky. Always a fine line.

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My second namesake is KILLIN this year so far. Love the sparkly deets.

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Royal blue is always a good choice for Mom. Where’s dad?

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Brown or burgundy? Not sure but he looks like a babe.

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I’m into this light grey twist.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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Makeup, hair and dress on point!

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Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2019

WHADDDUPPPP AWARDS SZN! How ya derrrrin? Obviously I’m excited that my favorite winter pick-me-up has arrived. Because no matter what anyone says, nothing will ever beat the high of sitting on the couch in flannel pjs, still on a holiday eating schedule (24/7) shouting at the TV that someone looks like trash on one of the biggest nights of their life. Every season presents a different style that everyone latches onto (that I inevitably cannot stand) and this year was the deep cleavage v. If I can see your chin clean down to your belly button without obstruction, you’re getting tossed on the worst dressed and those are just FACTS. I recently dabbled in the cleavage game (new for me) at a wedding and I literally got my already modest v-neck sewn closer together the day before the wedding because you know what is even more alluring than showing your entire front? Leaving something to the imagination. Take notes from me and my boob etiquette, Hollywood. Let’s see how those who did or did not cover their nips fared.

WORST

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Last year her nips punched through the tv screen and poked my eye out so hopefully she’s opted for a bra this year but either way this dress is goo.

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Is this like 80’s picture day or a bad wedding or what?

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Irina looks like a Vegas show girl and Bradley STINKS without a little scruff. I mean seriously he looks like a wax figure and a white suit does not complement that.

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Remember when Taylor Swift sang about Camilla Belle being a big hoebag? Lolz. Great mems. Regardless, this eye shadow/slicked back hair is woof.

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Since when does Chris Messina think he can go all Draco Malfoy up in this B? (To show how old I am, E News will 100% post this picture and caption it “ZADDY”)

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Hot damn is this dress tacky and a terrible color.

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I love the style of this dress but I’m so not about that flesh tones life. Is she naked? Look quickly and yes, yes she is.

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Well this is loud.

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And this is the opposite of loud. Are you 90, Emma?

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Now begins the portion of the program where I dump all over Hollywood’s titties. I DON’T NEED TO SEE THIS.

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PUT THEM AWAY. WE GET IT. YOU HAVE BOOBS. CALM YOURSELF.

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I shouldn’t be able to tickle your belly button on the red carpet.

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Why are you even wearing anything? At this point just walk naked.

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ZOMG more full frontal nudity!

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This dress is hideous first and foremost. The over the top boobage is just the cherry on top of the wreckage.

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I’m sorry, what?!

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I don’t understand what’s happening here and therefore it blows.

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My lord, PUT IT AWAY. ALL OF IT. KNOCK IT OFF , LADIES. This is an awards show not the boom boom room at 3am.

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One shoulder taffeta. Yikes.

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More bewbz and let’s add in some ruffles.

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Kid’s art project 101.

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jerry

I rest my case.

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There’s so many things sticking out. The great war of puffy shoulder vs. erect hair.

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Ice dancer?

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Miss Frizzle teaching us about the solar system?

BEST

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Because I’m not a total prude and I can handle cleavage sans navel, Allison is getting after it in this outfit. I also love the chunky jewels.

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Chrissy Metz may have called her a bitch but I think this outfit is killin it. Dave looks like a baller too.

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It’s often a red carpet trend that the ladies of SNL/comedy in general dress like they’re wearing paper bags and I feel like this is a fresh change up.

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Amy plays it safe every time. This isn’t really doing it for me but it’s also not necessarily a WORST look. I think she could stand to take some risks though.

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Classy and elegant.

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Not the top look I’ve ever seen from the Connster but she still looks like a dime piece as always.

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V. traditional ball gown and respectable that someone her age isn’t showing up in a mesh dress judging by the trends these days.

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VERSACE VERSACE VERSACE. I don’t know if this is Versace but it kind of should be.

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MOM AND DAD FOR LIFE. Also I understand the hypocrisy of calling out all the hoochies with their top half nudity and then approving of this but let it be known that this dress is actually cute so it’s different.

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This season’s installment of dresses I want to take a nap in. Also, Debra photographs well but up close? Yeesh.

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PRINCESSSSSSSSSS

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Sparkly and not cleavage down to her ankles!

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TBH, I walked in from work to this look and I was like whoa that’s a lot. Then it really grew on me. Only Lady Gagz would match her hair to her dress. The sleeves kind of suck, but the color is great and she looks beautiful in the shallow, shalalalllalalowwwwwwww world of Hollywood.

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Glenn Close gives good cape.

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Honestly I laughed out loud when I saw this because people HATE Anne Hathaway. Like HARDCORE HATE someone for no reason and she just stunts up to the red carpet in 2019 dressed like she’s Sammi Sweetheart looking for some Ron Ron Juice in Seaside Heights circa 2010. and I LOVE IT. Get it, girl, Cheetah girls, cheetah sisters.

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I like it. (I’m running out of things to say.)

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Not the slightest clue who this jabroni is but the COCKINESS of his stance, tossing that jacket open and rocking the one hand in pocket prom pose. Couldn’t love it more.

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Peep those green suede shoes on Idris, tho.

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JLC poppin that leg like she invented it.

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This almost won my favorite look of the night because it’s Julia Roberts and also she looks amahzing.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Can’t ever beat a dress with pockets, don’t @ me.

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Lookin like a red velvet cupcake snack!

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Gr8 color choice, not so gr8 dress choice.

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Rare Nicole Kidman compliment: She looks good.

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Hot DAMN disco ball!

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❤ the jacket and the fact that Ryan openly admits on the red carpet to each celebrity that he just watched their movie because he was going to be interviewing them.

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Babe soda couple alert!

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Host looks good, wifey not so much.

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I spy some gold toed shoesiez!

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DAWSON LEERY! Gasp.

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SURPRISE! Taylor Swift strutted those stems out onto the stage to present a few awards and I almost screamed at my TV. Whatta babe.

QWEENS OF THE NIGHT:

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Holy hell these two owned it. Separately AND together.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

All of this week’s most important stories in one place.

1. Frozen 2 is a real thing that’s happening.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

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2. Buzzworthy music videos this week from Carly Rae Jepsen and Miranda Lambert. Miranda’s song Little Red Wagon teeters right on the edge of annoying and catchy for me, but girl deserves props for looking like a smokeshow sassternaut in this video.

Carly Rae Jepsen waited a few years until we were over Call Me Maybe (spoiler: I’ll never be over Call Me Maybe) before she put out another bubblegum smash. This time she recruited Tom Hanks to use emojis in her music video and break it down next to Biebs. Keeping us on our toes with just the right amount of weird.

3. Andy Samberg to host the Emmys in September on FOX. Seth Meyers hosted last year and did a pretty dece job, especially when he recruited Billy Eichner for a little Billy on the Street bit.

I’m a liiiiittle concerned about Andy hosting an entire awards show, but I’ll hold out hope for some new Lonely Island material that doesn’t contain the words Everything or Awesome.

4. Fashion Police is F’ed. Dear, dear Joan Rivers is LITERALLY rolling in her grave. This show is a HOT mess. Giuliana makes some joke about dreads and suddenly the hosts of this show are dropping like flies. E! should stick to their Kash Kow and maybe cut their losses with this show since it’s basically in the dumpsters right now. If Kathy Griffin leaves your show you know you’ve got a reaaaalll problem.

5. Zoolander 2 announced via Walk-Off in Paris Fashion Week. At this point everyone has blabbed about this since it happened at the beginning of the week but I don’t discriminate on my weekly juice…news is news and Zoolander is BACK. What a perfect way to announce that Hollywood is producing yet another lazy sequel, by making a mockery of Paris’s fashion week with a goofy Hansel and Zoolander walk-off. Even Ice Queen Anna Wintour got in on the joke. Props, girl. Buckle up for the 2016 return! More importantly…did we ever find out who won the walk off?

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