Red Carpet

Emmys Red Carpet 2021

Is it too soon to say we’re back? Cause I *THINK* we’re finally back with awards shows. Hopefully no more Zoom awards or 15 locations or celebrities pretending they wear masks or socially distance or WUTEVER. If you’ll recall this time last year we were judging people’s pajamas from their laptop screen grabs. It was dismal. AND NOW we’ve got people ACTUALLY getting dressed and walking an ACTUAL red carpet again. Look how far we’ve come! The Emmys were as normal as they could’ve been for an awards show that picked a comedian straight out of the early 2000’s to host. CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER?! REALLY?! Besides my untethered rage for that, I managed to watch the entire show and grin every single time Ted Lasso scooped an award, beaming from my couch proudly as if my own besties were accepting. Happy for them. Most importantly, I drove 4.5 hours behind MANY human beings who deemed it necessary to ride their brakes on a highway and I still managed to walk into my apt, rip open my laptop and spend several hours giving my esteemed commentary on these fashion choices. Am I a hero? Some may say so. (That’s my polite way of saying I have essentially passed and there’s a very real chance this red carpet blog is one of my worst but I’m nothing if not a slave to the content and I would be very disappointed in myself if I missed the kickoff to awards szn so thanks for supporting me for better or for worse, love you so much, byeeeeeeeeeeeee.)

WORST.

Anna-Konkle-Maya-Erskine

The Pen15 duo lives in the early 2000’s for their middle school characters but that doesn’t mean we have to dress like it too, ladies. The small checkers, bedazzled bow and a tiny purse were all a swing and a miss for me.

gillian-anderson

What fresh hell is this? A grandfather clock of tassels? Not a chance I’m not tugging on each one of those if I came in contact with this hot mess of a dress.

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LET ME BE CLEAR THAT NO MATTER HOW YOU STYLE THE RUFFLE IT STILL SUCKS. Oohh let’s do a serpentine ruffle down her bod. NOOOOPE. 

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Don’t get it twisted, sister I LOOOOOVE this color. Love love love it. But I cannot stand for so much style confusion. Skirt plus pants plus wrap blazer plus button down? Pick a lane!

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Schitt’s Creek got sloppy as hell now that they’re off the air and not nominated for every damn award. They’re like we swept last year so IDGAF what we look like this year. This baggy number is slob kebab city.

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Running it back to almost exactly what I said for Mindy at the Met Gala. I’ve seen her absolutely knock my socks off with fashionable and funky lewks. THIS AIN’T IT, SIS. I don’t know why she’s being so lame on red carpets lately but enough with the satin blacks and blues. And HONEY, the giant bow will ALWAYS be a no.

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Hella Victorian Queen vibes with a ripped curtain, cake tier style. I half expected a powdered wig to top it all off.

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What?! Was this planned or was there an unexpected fall chill in the air in LA? (When it drops below 90 that’s a chill for them.) Because there is no other excuse for this “I just borrowed my husband’s blazer to toss over my evening gown because they were blasting the AC too high” mood.

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This is a poop suit.

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Does Allison Janney have a mullet? I can’t cosign that hairstyle or the peplum waist and giant shawl. 

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MEH. I feel like this isn’t doing anything great for her. Not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, certainly better than what the Olsen Twins of darkness would wear on a red carpet, but still I expected more out of Elizabeth.

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I’m cool with Seth’s new college professor haircut and glasses combo but I’m not cool with the earth tones suit. 

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This might throw you off because normally if you’ve read any of my previous red carpets, you’ll notice that I get a fashion boner for bright colors and/or pops of color. So many celebs go for black or classic colors so whenever I see something spicy I jump on it. This is partially because I’m a color whore in my own fashion choices (and will not leave the house with a scrunchie that isn’t coordinated with my outfit) and also because when you blog every red carpet for 7 years, you start to need a little color to keep it FRE$H. Now that I’ve rambled my face off…I do not like this pop of color. I was scrolling down on this picture and was like oohh loving this bronze goddess and then I hit the shoes and almost threw up in my hands. So aggressive. So loud.

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If the comically large belts that provide no purpose other than to give you a mid-belly or underboob elastic mark make a comeback I’m OUT ON FASHION FOREVER. Giant belts were the WORST. Actually, gaucho pants were the worst but at least they were comfy as hell. Strapping on a belt in the middle of your body made you look like Trunchbull coming back from a shotputting competition AND ALSO pushed your lumps to other places and basically felt like you were wearing a waist trainer in public. UGH don’t make us go back to that. *Note Kathryn is also wearing a peplum tube top so I guess she REALLY embraced the new millennium.  

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This is a woodland fairy costume and you cannot convince me otherwise. Dear lord, is that a jelly purse?

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Honestly this might be a biased judgment but I had to sit through that CRINGEWORTHY opening rap that made no sense and I would like to eternal sunshine of the spotless mind that RIGHT out of my brain. Cedric could’ve looked like the hottest guy on the red carpet and I think I still would’ve bitterly tossed him on the worst dressed. Sorry bud, them’s the breaks. Can you imagine hosting an awards show and visibly bombing EVERY time you have the mic? Yooikkes on bikes. 

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This is a full-length ice dancer gown.

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This has to be a bit, right?! Like someone shot Nicole an invite to the Emmys and she was like I AM GOING TO GO FULL 60’s negligee in royal purple..

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Y’all know I don’t like celebs forcing their bits down our throats. We know you’ve got em. You diet and have personal trainers and all the money for plastic surgery in the world. We got it. No need to see upstairs yabbos and downstairs curtains on a red carpet. 

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One deep sigh away from a full frontal eyeful of boobs. There’s just way too much going on here, I don’t even know where to begin.

Vanessa Lachey

LeT’s JuSt GlUe cHuNks oF sHiNy fAbRiC 2GeThEr.

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Oh good, if you don’t want to wear a 3 feet wide belt with a patent leather buckle, you can just go straight for the outside corset. The corset RUINED this beautiful dress.

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MANDY. Girl. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Bangs are fine. Whatever. I’d never choose the bang life but if I were going to, I’d want them to look like this. But the pieces hanging down on the side? Nope. And the pieces hanging out off the side of her dress making her look like she’s got a comically large apple bottom dump truck? NOOOOOOOOPE. THIS IS SO UNFLATTERING I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY ONE WOULD USE TULLE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU’RE A NESTING DOLL. 

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If this either of these two wore this look solo I’d be like DAMN GET AFTER IT. But because they chose to both wear zesty zoot suits, I HAVE to laugh directly in their faces. What an outrageous couples move. This is like the modern Britney and Justin denim Dan look–Zubaz style. Wow some people really took Tiger King and made it their personality. Ok I think i’m done roasting this duet. Omg I just noticed the matching manis. 

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KEWL BLOOD RED PARACHUTE!

emmacorrin

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS (PARDON MY FRENCH BUT ALSO NOT REALLY) BECAUSE THE ACTRESS WHO PLAYED SWEET SWEET PRINCESS DI IN THE CROWN IS WEARING A LITERAL SWIMMERS CAP, FINGERLESS GLOVES AND BLACK CLAWS. The Met Gala was last week, girl. Just because you weren’t invited doesn’t mean you can pull this shit on a normie red carpet. 

BEST.

Anthony-Anderson

I LOOOVE this classy floral pop.

Evan-Peters-Julie-Peters

You bring your mom on the red carpet, you’re guaranteed getting laid at the after party once Mom’s gone home to bed. That’s a fact, Jack. Nothing makes chicks wetter than this classic actor mama’s boy move. Evan also won an Emmy on top of this so DOUBLE getting laid. Good work, bruh.

Hannah-waddingham

Hannah has a body that won’t quit and I’m obsessed with her character on Ted Lasso. I could do without this weird one shoulder joint but I felt like she brought the heat otherwise. 

issarae

I wholeheartedly appreciate the full bodysuit underneath so we weren’t dealing with bedazzled areolas here but this dress is S T U N N I N G!

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I like a cape because I support any awards show look where you can eat and drink your face off and not have to worry about your figure. Plus I bet it gives mad swish on the dance floor. I also would like a closer look at these heels because they look jazzy AF.

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I mean it’s Kate Winslet and she looks fabulous no matter what. Would’ve liked more of a risk but this is still a beaut.

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Hands down my favorite look of the evening. Everything’s coming up Ted Lasso, ladies and gents. Can you imagine your baby mama leaving you for Harry Styles and this is your rebuttal?! Jason has the #1 show, he’s about to be raking in 1 MILLION DOLLARS per episode and he looks like a total babe soda. Definite upgrade from last year’s wake and bake appearance at the Globes:

jason

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Billy is keeping it pretty tame this time around but I feel like he’s going for his own VS Angel fashion show and I feel like he earned those wings.

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Obviously I’ve dumped all over belts enough for one blog…you know how i feel about them…but the rest of the look is elegant and Old Hollywood glamour for the Beanster (who looks nothing like Monica Lewinsky and I’ll die on this hill.)

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PURPLE AND TURQUOISE, JEWEL TONES GET AT ME GIRL.

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The best part about these shoulder bows is that they’re somewhat obstructed from view due to their placement. So we’ll let them slide. Confetti party dress, FTW!

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I purposefully did not include any plain bagel who wore a straight black tux/suit. I don’t have time for that shit anymore. Sorry not sorry. I DID include Zach Braff because he put a spin on the straight black tux with this patterned jacket and I appreciated it. Lookin sharp, BB!

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Amy, this is how you rock the hell out of an oversized suit jacket. This set is fine, but the way that Leslie is WERKIN it really sells the whole damn package. 

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Oh, my lanta! Keri Russell with shimmering leaf boobs. I’M BLUSHING!

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This is a Belle moment if I’ve ever seen one. Even though Anya played the booziest chess player, she shows up at every awards show looking like she was made to wear a fancy gown. BTW, this gown is backless and Anya also gives good back.

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IT’S FALL SO BLUE VELOUR IS OK AGAIN, Y’ALL.

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But also so is fuchsia because we’ll never let go of summer and that’s pretty obvious. In the words of my four year old niece who put her own unique spin on Aqua’s 1997 hit, “Come on Barbie let’s go darty.”

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I kinda love the fact that this is played out as heck but Sterling K will never walk a red carpet without shades. It is the red bow on the package of his awards show look and it slaps every time.

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Ellen is also exuding BJE (big jumpsuit energy) and I’m vibing with it. The bedazzled hoops, the pony, the lines of jewels are all a YES.

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I feel like we see Catherine in black so often that I’m embracing a foray into coral. Supes fun. (It’s past my bedtime and yes I realize that I’m now moonwalking into “lame and unoriginal caption” territory. GET OVER IT.)

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YEAH VELVET LOAFERS ARE GONNA GET YOU ON THE BEST DRESSED LIST AND THAT SEEMS OBVIOUS. Hugh Hefner silk pjs up top would’ve really crushed, but whatevs. 

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I really only put this photo up for Leslie who is essentially wearing a Sigfried and Roy Vegas stage show costume and I’m drooling all the way for it. Clearly I need to get more shimmer and shine in my wardrobe.

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JEAN SMART IS A 70 YEAR OLD SEX SYMBOL.

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CATHERINE ZETA-JONES IS A 51 YEAR OLD SEX SYMBOL. (Also matching shoes and lipstick it’s like she knows the way to my heart or something.)

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Cynthia had mermaid vibes at the Met and now again at the Emmys and I DON’T HATE IT. This is fancy free and funky fresh (minus the 7 inch french tips) PS don’t think I didn’t notice that tiny belt. DIE AWAY FROM ME, BELTS.

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Clean look and I appreciate a sassy shoe.

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Fresh off some divorce news and letting us all know that she’s a good time gal who wears the shit out of neons and flowers!

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I love this! Great fit, great color on her and simple jewels that accent the vintage look perfectly!

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Rosie Perez as a Golden Goddess.

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Jennifer Coolidge has curves for DAYzzZz.

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I’m obsessed with everything about this. Pink tie, dog cane, top hat and F AWL the way off facial expression.

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Lil Dicky trying to make up for the fact that he was a willing participant in the opening rap trainwreck with this sharp look. People don’t forget, LD. That was even more embarrassing than season 2 of Dave.

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Another cringe partner in crime for the opening rap. Seriously, how did they come up with this motley crew of ruining Biz Markie’s legacy forever? We may never know. I do know Rita looks like a rocker bang piece though.

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Uhhhh DUH I’m gonna shout the hell out of this pastel pink getup. 

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Great color, fun texture. I really wanna cop a feel and see how this bad boy feels IRL. (It’s not creepy, I like to touch fabrics in stores too. When they’re on the hanger tho…not on people.)

Sophia-Bush

My raging girl crush on Sophia Bush has been reignited with this perfect princess lewk.

 

 

Standard
Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2021

Well this was a little unexpected to say the least! The Met Gala traditionally takes place in May and when I saw rumblings of it yesterday I had just assumed that they announced the theme or something. We just had the VMA’s the night before (we meaning not me because I finally learned my lesson that I’ve aged out) and then suddenly on a Monday afternoon I’m seeing red carpet photos cropping up from the Met. How is it that I know Blues Clues is having it’s 25th anniversary but I didn’t know when the Met Ball was taking place? Seems as though Anna Wintour needs to refer to the advertising execs over at Nick Jr. for some pointers. I googled the theme as I tend to do even though it absolutely means NOTHING. I don’t even know why they go through the formality of announcing a theme because you get the crop of people who wear what they wear on every red carpet and then the more alternative crowd that will wear whatever bizarro thing they can get their hands on. No theme necessary. But anyway, the theme this year is “In America: A Lexicon of Fashion” which essentially boils down to only fashion made in America. Cause our country is GrrrrrrReat. If you had asked my sister what the theme was she would’ve replied Nudity because her observation of red carpets between the VMA’s and the Met was “what even is the point of wearing clothes? A piece of fabric seems wasteful at this point.” She’s not wrong. Let’s judge some nudes.

WORST

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What do we have here?! It’s bell hop/waiter/magician/priest/Aladdin/Johnny F’ing Baseball. I refuse to adapt to the screaming ovaries of every female who slobbers for this little punk. There is nothing sexy about this.

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Lace leggings had their moment in the 80’s and 90’s and I think we can all see very clearly why they should never make a comeback. Ain’t NOTHING flattering or forgiving about skin tight lace. Does she have a lacy camel toe?

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I understand that this was a cultural nod to her mixed heritage. All I see is a cultural nod to Hey Arnold.

helga

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The Met Ball is the ONLY place you’ll see me boo’ing people off the red carpet for being BORING AS HELL. You’ve got people wearing capes and crowns and showing their labias and you decided to put on a PLAIN BLACK TUXEDO THAT DOESN’T EVEN FIT PROPERLY? Did you get this at David’s Bridal, Channing? Clean it up.

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I see that he’s going for a global gay statement here and yet I can’t seem to get down with the balloon map-printed sleeves on top with combat boots on the bottom. Ew, David.

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What is this Little House on the Prairie meets Biker Gang? What a ridiculous mash-up that I do not welcome with open arms.

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You know that I can usually get down with loungewear at a formal event but it HAS TO BE CUTE LOUNGEWEAR. This looks like one of those stupid hip hop dance costumes they used to make me wear in middle school. Flashy but easy to move in. No matter how cool I thought I looked grooving to PG hip hop tunes onstage, I surely looked exactly like this B. Clown city.

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Oh hey there guy, thanks for the nightmares! Also that side salad of a large scab on your shin. Yum.

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Can we do a wellness check on this girl? 

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Kimmy K’s style trope of the moment is covering her whole face. Which is fine. We don’t really need to see it to know what an a*hole she is. Glad we left a hole for that pony though. God forbid your clip in hair not drag along the floor with your cloaks.

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The ONLY thing I immediately thought of with this number was the symphony of rainbow bridesmaid dresses from Confessions of a Shopaholic. 

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This dress is beautiful and then she tacked A GIANT FLOWER ON HER SHOULDER. Whoever is advising this as a kewl accessory needs to be fired.

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Everyone was like OH THE KING AND QUEEN HAVE ARRIVED. Get the hell out of here. I didn’t even know who ASAP Rocky was and Rihanna is wearing a G-D beanie on her head condom style. This look individually is trash (is that a quilt, ASAP?), collectively it’s a freight train of garbage.

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For the same reason I boo’ed our pal Channing, I gotta give it to Jimmy as well. I get that you’re a straight white male at the Met Gala but literally do ANYTHING but the black tux. Even a slate grey would slap harder than this.

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Anna Wintour may run the entire fashion world but here at the Salty Ju, I run shit. I’m the boss. And Anna, you can look me right in the eyes when I say this dress stinks. Collar AND sleeve ruffles AND cake tier ruffles at the bottom all in a bold floral print? WOOF.

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One time my next door neighbor had a race car themed birthday party and we all literally wore cardboard cars the whole time. They looked exactly like this dress. 

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I still can’t get over the fact that he’s trying to believably play a high school character in his latest flick when this 70’s style right here is probably an accurate depiction of what he really wore in high school. BOOM. Roasted.

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The key to the Met is to go gimmicky outrageous costume without looking like you literally stopped at a Spirit in an old deserted strip mall and picked up a “flapper/sexy maid from Clue” costume.

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SHE’S GOT A SWORD!!! Where do we draw the line with weapons at a public event?

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Get the hell out of my face with this, JLo. You think you can just step off of a yacht fresh from summering in Italy with Ben Affleck and dress up like a pimp with Native American undertones? Blow it out your ass. First and foremost, Brown should NEVER be a color choice for a dress. Secondly, where’s Ben? You guys break up again? Summer lovin had you a blast and now that you’re back from vacay things are hitting a little different? Just wondering. Text me.

UGH. NEVERMIND (deepest of eye rolls)..your lips aren’t even touching when you kiss with masks on so you just look like closed eye idiots.

6763

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I couldn’t figure out what was so off-putting about this look. Was it the unicorn horn of a hairstyle or the fact that the bottom of this dress looks like a 3-D caterpillar? 

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Bieber pulled this shit at the VMA’s too and I’m having a hard time understanding how someone so skinny can’t find a pair of pants that fit him. He is DROWNING in these trousers. And Hailey with the shades is laugh out loud funny. These two really think they are royalty. You think you’re above a theme for the biggest fashion event of the year? Get lawst. 

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Not only does this look terribly heavy and uncomfortable, it’s also hideous. This is a huge swing and a miss for Simone. Girl is HOT off the heels of what I would assume is her last Olympics representing our country and she should’ve charged in here with the dopest USA themed outfit in the joint. And she decided instead to wear sparkly silver turd plops around her waist. Kewl. 

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Thanks for stopping by in your diamond encrusted negligee, Zoe! No need to carry all that excess chainage, next time just roll through in your rhinestone thong since that’s basically the same thing anyway.

The next three photos are entitled: Bangz: A Regret That Affects Us All

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So great of Meg to take some time out of defiling Airbnb kitchen tables and touching black tongues with MGK to attach these vomtastic bangs to her domepiece and make an appearance.

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This dress would be fine but then BANGS.

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Kristen really went the extra mile to give her bangs some pomp and circumstance.

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Oh, goodie! Lorde is back to scare us at all the awards shows again.

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Roseanne Roseannadanna coming in hot but she has to leave early to hit up the dojo and earn that blue belt.

roseanne

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My first thought: ope there’s her vagina front and center. My second thought: can you imagine eating ANYTHING on Met Ball day and then wearing this? We’d be able to see if you had even a bowl of cereal. Sick loin cloth, tho.

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I don’t know all that much about fashion but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Shrek baby was not “made in America.”

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What fresh hell is this? It’s like Jessica Rabbit, wedding style? I obviously hate it.

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Props to Taylor for matching her pedi to the exact color of the dress because that’s 1000% something I would do if I ever had a “it takes a village” moment. But this dress ain’t it. 

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This is a sheer window treatment.

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Mindy doesn’t look BAD but I’ve also seen her dress better for just a casual backyard photoshoot for her Instagram so I know she’s got more in her than a low pony and a navy blue gown. She wears the hell out of funky colors and patterns and this was a total lamewad safe move at a place where it’s encouraged to take risks.

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Not this risk though. This one fell flat for me. Mostly because I’m getting a little jaded with the oopsie I’m naked look. Jeremy looks pretty dece though, he was just brought down by the flowers for nips arm candy.

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I’ve never been a fan of the big collar or shoulder moment. Brings me back to the shoulder padded blazers of the 80’s. The taffeta flower on her thigh is also doing that. 

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WHAT AN ASSHOLE MOVE by Kris Jenner. She should be disinvited. You think because you invented reality TV and built an empire off of a sex tape that you can just wear a basic black ladysuit to the Met Ball? Your daughter stepped out of a towncar in a head to toe leather dominatrix ensemble over the weekend. That was just a regular Saturday for her. Either you step up your game or you sit at home getting wine drunk. Don’t embarrass Kim like that ever again…she can do it all by herself as seen above.

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Take a beat to notice the CONTRAST between Kris “I’ll just wear a Hilary Clinton pantsuit” Jenner and this broad right here who is wearing a LITERAL horse head. I can only hope she’s neighing and galloping around whipping that horse tail of a braid into the NYC breeze.

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Oh no, bbgurl. I get that your mom is Madonna. You’ve got big shoes to fill. But nope. This is another Spirit Halloween Gypsy costume. Return for a full refund, honay.

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As much as this would’ve been my dream prom dress from Deb back in the day, she looks physically uncomfortable in this. Her left boob looks like it’s about to be torn in half. The things we do for fashion.

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the PERFECT closer to the WERST dressed list. I don’t know what this chick’s name is but from here on out it’s forever Tommy Pickles because she is WEARING A DIAPER.

tommypickles

BEST

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This is some mermaid REALness.

Amanda Gorman

Apparently Amanda Gorman was going for a Statue of Liberty theme (the statue of Liberty is essentially green…but ok) all I could think of when I saw this dress was that shitty 90’s song that goes “Oh my starry eyed surprise” so Amanda I hope you’re gonna dance all night to this DJ in that majestic ‘fit.

Barbie Ferreira

The hair and makeup is questionable but I’ve always been a sucker for a pearl dress. Girl is dripping in decadence.

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Lil Nas X is never one to shy away from a scene. This was part 3 of his outfit unveiling, part two being a suit of golden armor and part 1 a very *catholic* looking extravagant gold robe. I’m partial to this sparkly tracksuit out of all three lewks and I think he rocked it. 

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I’m torn here because I LOATHE the color peach and her bangs but when I saw it photographed in a different light it looked like much more of a muted blush so I’m gonna give the benefit of the doubt here because Billie in an elegant gown is much appreciated after a year plus of her gracing red carpets in neon green space buns and silky pj’s. An effort was made here and I very much appreciate it.

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Ok, ok, I get it Troye. Your body is better than mine. I have a bridesmaid dress that was originally ordered for a November 2020 wedding but then Covid hit…so the last time this dress has physically been on my body was August of 2020 when I tried it on for the first time out of the box. It has hung in a deep dark corner of my closet since then, cloaked in shadows and shame because I can tell you with the utmost confidence that it no longer fits. I’ve put on a few panny pounds and it shows. Rather than facing my fears and trying it on, I’ve been eating ice cream and brownies every night after dinner. We all cope in different ways. Troye apparently copes by showing off his banging bodying in a slinky black gown, nips out for the boys. WUTEVER.

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This dress and cape look stunning on her!

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I mean, Barbie and Ken? Yes, please.

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Hey all you creeps and weirdos, this is how you incorporate Covid’s new hottest fashion without giving us all the nightmares in the world. Crushing this routfit.

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I could def do without the bleached eyebrows but I’m kinda digging the rest of this look right down to the stirrups. Love a good pair of stirrups. Never have to worry about your leggings riding up when they’re hooked to your heel!

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What the hell is more American than Ralph Lauren? I put these two on the best dressed specifically for that.

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This is more on the boring spectrum of playing it safe but she is rocking this dress so I respect it.

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THIS IS HOW YOU DO A TASTEFUL NUDE, LADIES. TAKE NOTES.

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Maybe it’s the hint at camo or maybe it’s the muted nudes but this is definitely one of my favorite looks of the nights. So soft and beautiful.

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The style of the dress is kind of the equivalent of wearing a paper bag but she’s preggers so it’s probably comfortable as hell and we’ll give her a pass. The teal is to die for.

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Ooh baby lime green and hot pink lips YES MA’AM! Kit looks dapper as well. At least he put a white coat on instead of going for black on black….channing.

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As my friend Kat said, imagine sitting behind Iman? Seriously though you ain’t seeing for miles behind this headdress. This is EPIC. That’s how you rule a red carpet. Poor Megan Thee Stallion is looking at her like, I gotta follow this?!

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Big booty big ole Megan held her own though. Loving the soft pink on her.

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GIRL this red is fabulous. Not so much the posing of the claws though. Hope you don’t poke your butthole when you’re wiping. T’s and P’s. (The more that I think about it, how much you wanna bet celebrities have their assistants wipe for them so they don’t accidentally tear their anus or vaginal walls with a rogue claw? Jus sayin..these are the things I think about after a glass of wine.)

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DEBBIE HARRY!!! GET. IT. GURL. I LOOOOOVE this look. This is ‘MURICA. Bitch has a flag hoop skirt and a jean jacket. If that ain’t the US of A I don’t know what is. She crushed it.

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This is pretty boring but also I felt rude about putting her on the worst dressed when she still looks like a bangpiece.

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Oh my lanta I want to roll around in this skirt. It looks so silky and smooth like a metallic river. Kacey looks bomb.com.

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Kendall Jenner looks radiant and I can boo the rest of the Kardashian Klan all day and twice on Sunday but I’ll never come for Kendall. 

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If this were any other type of fabric it’d be on the worst dressed list but because it’s denim I’m all in. It is giving me very happy flashbacks to the Justin and Britney denim duo and it’s perfect for this theme.

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I’m obsessed with this look. Alicia looks amazing and I couldn’t help but wonder where she drew inspiration from (wink)

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IS SHE WEARING THE ISADORA DIAMOND? Just kidding. But also not really because the colored jewels and the pastel look isn’t far off from our girl Andie Anderson. Love the sparkle and the fur for added drama.

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You gotta be bold as hell to be like I’m just gonna show up in pinstripes like a gangsta. The gold sequins is an added bonus.

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I believe this is the only purple of the evening and boy oh boy is it bold. Love that Shawn went leather jacket, no shirt and Camila went for bright purple sequins and feathers. Go big or go home.

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This is a double whammy with fitting the theme (Football IS America) and supporting her mans. What a class act.

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Taraji is not playing with this look or this facial expression. She’s like try me, I dare you.

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Oh alright you intergalactic princess, you.

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PULLING. THEM. OFF. (this joke will hit with about 3% of my regular readers but if you’re a fan of How I Met Your Mother, it’s worth it.)

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I laughed out loud at how dopey and proud Pete Davidson is to be included in a fashion event. That smile and the pose with his jacket says it all. On top of that he referred to his look as “slutty nun” and that’s also hilarious to me as you see his little chopstick tattooed legs peeking out of this skirt.

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Rita is a sparkly sensation!

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YOOOO Sharon Stone can still GET IT. Although I would’ve loved to see a little more of that bangin bod that you KNOW she still has, I’m still into this classic black cape with sparkly emerald earrings. Take notes, Kris Jenner.

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Legitimately thought this was Khloe Kardashian at first. What a mind trip to find out it’s Hailee Steinfeld. This textured gold mini is FIERCE though.

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Give it to me in that Miami Vice pastel suit with a silk number underneath.

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We’ve seen a LOT of gold numbers tonight but this dress was MADE for MJ.

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HEY SIMONE, THIS IS HOW YOU WEAVE BEING A FAMOUS US ATHLETE INTO THE THEME. Gawd. Show some country pride like Megan did.

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Ayesha looks like she wants to cut a bitch but other than that these two coordinated well and both look like babe sodas.

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This is the kind of floral garden I’m down with. Not flowers that you NEED to cover your bits, but flowers that add to the already beautiful and flattering gown.

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Even though this is a HORRIFIC angle and makes DVF look like she has a cancerous lump growing out of her side (it’s her knee) I love the cheetah and olive tones AND of course the fact that she matched her mask. Masks, so hot right now.

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Donatella was like IDGAF I’m going to show up like it’s my wedding in Lake Como. She’s 66 years old and she’s all I’m gonna go Like a Virgin on their asses.

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As someone who buys an item of clothing for someone else as a gift and then promptly buys a matching one for herself, I’m VERY into the twinning thing. Love that they did this.

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Sienna with the fur cape looks like her house smells of rich mahogany and cigars.

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I’m obsessed with a canary yellow and I don’t care who knows it. This color looks bonkers good on her.

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Never thought I’d be so down with the classic white button up but both looks that incorporated it are chic as hell.

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Head to toe perfection. The hair accents, the earrings, everything goes together perfectly.

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A princess ball gown and the pop of contrasting color with her jewels are chef’s kiss.

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If you guys haven’t figured it out yet I’m really getting a hard on for summer colors here. Especially because summer isn’t over even though you Fall betches are trying to make it over. This is so fun and funky.

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Looking past the bangs (WHY WITH THE BANGS, EVERYONE) to appreciate the Barbie pink awesomeness. I want this gown and matching cape.

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DAYUMN OLIVIA RODRIGO, GET ALL OF IT AND THEN SOME! I previously rapped hard about lace leggings on Serena and how they’re not flattering. Apparently they can be flattering AF on a stick figure teenager in the prime of her high metabolism. Important to note. Embrace these years, BB, it’s all downhill from here.

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Red Carpet

Oscars 2021 Red Carpet

I gotta be honest we better be winding down on this rescheduled awards season because I’m running out of free trials I can sign up for just to watch them. And if I’m being REALLY honest, I wasted a free trial on this one. I had high hopes. I know, you’re probably saying, LEARN YOUR LESSON ALREADY, JULIA. ALL AWARDS SHOWS STINK. And normally you’re right. But we all know I could never skip out on an event that involves celebrities and the potential for gossip. PLUS, they were really amping up the “no zoom” aspect of this one. I’m so thirsty for a live awards show without a wall full of screens and awkward delays that I actually got excited for the Oscars. I’m here to report it was the LARGEST of disappointments. I’m not sure if Hollywood Libs just weren’t comfortable attending in person (I mean, we all know they’ve been vaccinated and get tested 24/7 anyway by their on-staff doctors) or if they just want to make it LOOK like they’re not comfy but basically no one showed up to this thing. We have about 4 big names, no host, and the thing played like we were watching a livestream of a work conference for actors.

It was D-R-Y as shiiiiiiiittttt. On top of the fact that they were really trying to create a “storyteller” vibe to the evening giving each nominee a 20 minute backstory, they also STOPPED REGULATING ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES. Do you know what happens when you don’t have a musical cue to tell people in show biz to STFU? They don’t STFU. They just keep talking. For-EV-er. So anyway, joke’s on me for signing up for FuboTV for one night of a 4 hour TedTalk on the art of movies. I’ll save you that torture and try to keep the red carpet short and sweet. There’s a handful of nobodies in here simply because I either loved their outfit or hated it. That’s how I decided to include someone in my fashion critique when I have no clue who they are. The ladies were having a RED HAWT night and that pretty much sums up the outfits for the worst Oscars ever.

WORST

chloe-zhao

This may seem contradictory to my style because I’ve been known to slap on a pair of kicks for any occasion but also IT’S THE OSCARS. Walking the red carpet like you just stepped off the farm is pushing it a little too far. I’m not saying you need to be a Glam-azon but an effort wouldn’t hurt here.

Erica-Rivinoja

This lady with the lizard-under-attack neck is also carrying a SHRIMP clutch. And honestly I might’ve considered tossing her on the best dressed just for that accessory if it looked like an actual shrimp. Details are what puts asses in the seats and this what looks to be pencil drawing of a shrimp with a chunky white outer layer is just not cutting it.

margot

I don’t think I realized I was in a snarky as hell mood until I started writing these worst dressed captions. Maybe if I didn’t get tricked into watching this informational awards show I’d be kinder to the fashion choices of Hollywood. Probz not though. For example, Margot looks great in this dress but she decided to get bangs and I feel as though she needs to be punished for that choice. Not only are bangs always a terrible decision, but doing this weird pull my hair back but let it also wisp into the breeze further accentuated the hard bang. You’re in timeout, Margot.

Martin-Desmond-Roe

Travon-Free

It’s important for me to note that not one but TWO gentlemen dressed like actual f*cking bumblebees. It’s important because I was personally victimized by a carpenter bee this week in my own home and NOW THIS?! This feels like an attack and I will not stand for it. I was forced to sleep on my couch hiding from this fuzzy monster as it took over my bedroom and then just when I thought I was safe after three days of not hearing his aggressive lawnmower buzzing, he dared to reappear casually to remind me that this is his apartment now. I trapped him under a glass and HE IS STILL NOT DEAD, Y’ALL. This bee has been pacing the circle of the glass for DAYS now as if he’s simply doing time for his actions. I’ve basically become a sociopath bee murderer slowly torturing this mf’er to death all because I was terrified to swat at his crunchy body. And although I’m sure there’s some meaning behind this duo of black and yellow tuxes, the real meaning is that I will forever be haunted by this bee who lives underneath my desk now.

Questlove

Spraypainting your crocs gold does not make them couture, QUESTLOVE. Also your outfit looks like something Rosie O’Donnell would wear circa 1998 when she had her own talk show. Boom. Roasted.

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Had no clue Regina was kicking off the show (or that there was no host) until a camera dramatically followed her on a very long walk into the venue and up onto the stage. Her strut was a 10/10, this dress is like a 5/10. The jewels look tacky and those sleeves…WOOF.

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Color of the dress is great, WAY too much fabric and that.HAIR. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HOLLYWOOD?! Are these actresses showing up in character and I just missed the memo? Like on what planet is that hairstyle attractive?!

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A glitter turtleneck. That is all.

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This feels a little trashy for the Oscars. This is more a VMA’s dress.

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Girl looks like an evil Disney witch with these textures and sleeves. All that’s missing is the Maleficent headdress.

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Why the hell is she wearing almost a full length dress with pants underneath? This is LA so I would assume it’s probably 75 degrees there. Is this an old people thing? Do their shins get chilly? (PS I’m MAD that I finally cut the cord on the Oscars with an hour left last night because I couldn’t possibly bear one more minute and THAT’S WHEN Glenn Close decides to twerk that pants-covered ass and curse up a storm. WHYYYYYYYY.)

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Another Disney villain situation and oh my lanta, is that a HEART in her hands?! Creepmaster 101.

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Rapey shades + a 70’s belted flight suit + THUMBS UP pose = puke in my hands.

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Again if I’m not in love with the cutouts of the coral dress, I’m not down with this lingerie lewk. Showgirl City,  Population: Andra.

zendaya

Sorry for the tiny pic but the full sizer was a side view and I wanted everyone to see the full drama that is a bandeau top and skirt. Too much drama, if you ask me.

BEST

lauradern

LAURA YOU BLACK SWAN QUEEN, YOU!

Lee-Isaac-Chung-Valerie-Chung

Both look great but I’m really digging her shiny dress with the red lip.

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This entire outfit screams I have a library in my home and I really like it a LOT. 

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What a babe soda power couple. Even better, Riz fixed his lady’s hair for her on the red carpet so she’d look flawless for the paps without a hair out of place. What a keeper.

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This begins the hot red portion of the evening and everyone who went red absolutely crushed it. Also, not for nothing but her cleavage looks like it’s painted on.

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Reese usually plays it pretty safe with a strapless black or royal blue gown so she’s really spicin things up here with this red ombre. HOT TAMALE!

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The sleeves are preeetttty ridiculous but they somehow work with the sleek shape of the rest of the dress.

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Ooh baby those cutouts are sexxxxxy. Loving the details and the shape of this gown.

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What a magical, whimsical forest fairy! Bonus points for her referencing an acceptance speech she wrote when she was younger and thanking her supportive husband Zack Morris. Brits are so casj cool and funny. I want to be her friend.

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Other than bumblebee dumb and dumber, not a whole lot of dashing man fash on the red carpet so when I saw this hot pink jazz I got VERY excited. And the sparkle on top of that?! I basically had to fan myself.

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These two look hot as hell together and they’re each serving a whole look. 

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Gun to my head I could never come up with a name for this individual but she DID get the red memo and I appreciate the shit out of it.

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Close call – this was almost my pick for best look of the night. I can never hide my boner for princess gowns.

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Credit where credit is due for this man scarf POPPIN’ that golden accent.

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I’ve definitely waxed poetic before about how much I respect a hoodie as a fashion statement because I was repressed as a child from wearing my hood up around the house. But ON TOP of that we’ve got an electric blue jumpsuit that is BO$$.

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Could definitely do without the tummy peekaboo but very into the dramatics of the dark lip with a pastel gown. If you added a hood to this look I’d be foaming at the mouth.

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I’m living for the color coordination here. As someone who changes her scrunchie to match her loungewear perfectly every day, I love that shes’s maroon from head to toe. A true maroutfit.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

She IS an Oscar and I gasped when I saw this puffy skirt that could most definitely be hiding another person underneath it. What a flawless statement.

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Red Carpet

People’s Choice Awards 2020 Red Carpet

Lookie, lookie what do we have here?! ANOTHER actual red carpet?! It seems like Hollywood is back ON and I’m here for it. Woke up this morning to hear about an awards show that doesn’t even matter and yet here I am scrambling to show you these looks. That’s what we in the biz call, starving for content. Here’s what the celebs wore to a fan popularity contest. (How Ellen won her fan’s votes is beyond me…might want to have someone look into that because I wouldn’t put it past her to rig it for good press.)

WORST

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TROOP BEVERLY HILLS 9021-NO.

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You’ll notice this evening’s trend of wear an exaggerated pantsuit was not cherished by me. WHAT is fashionable about drowning yourself in clown-sized polyester?

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No to the dress which looks like it was purchased at Deb circa 1999 but also no to this pose.

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This dress is the most unflattering and also the same color as her milky silver-tone skin. 

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Oh ok, Dad. Did you get lost and stumble upon the grey (blue?) carpet?

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Again with the suits. It’s a fan-voted awards show with a purple/pink ombre step and repeat behind you. It’s not a corporate retreat. Live a little.

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Ok don’t live that much. This is a Jersey Shore dress and not in a good way.

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Brad looks like he’s wearing a pirate costume. I much prefer when he’s switching wigs on his Instagram to act out all of the Housewives drama.

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This TikTok star looks like she’s going to prom in a 90’s romcom.

BEST

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CHRISTMAS QWEEN.

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After I stopped drooling over that island-fresh tan, I was able to see that this outfit is cool as hell too. Very Euro chic.

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Oh what a doll Mandy is with that aw, shucks grin and holding her baby bump.

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Despite his hand hovering over his junk pose, I can always get down with the color teal.

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This does absolutely nothing for her figure but I respect the fact that Demi is the host and basically showed up in glitter jammies. She also made jokes about her engagement so good for her 0 F’s Given approach.

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You know I stan for a sparkly suit jacket.

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Love this color and the cool guy boots.

 

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Believe it or not I would’ve loved this more if the shirt was cropped and not hanging down to her mid-thighs like it’s a dress, but I can understand Ellen not being a crop chick. I still think it’s a cool outfit and something different in a sea of business separates.

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LAAAHHHVEE the red lace and lip combo.

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No clue what this outfit says, I’m assuming it’s probably a political statement because that’s how Hollywood rolls now, but it’s a good fit and her boobs are poppin.

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I’ve seen Mario crush a carpet harder, but it wouldn’t be in good taste to put such a hunk muffin on the worst dressed list, so I’ll give him a pass. 

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Music, Pop Culture, Red Carpet

MTV VMA’s Red Carpet 2019

For the first time since 2016, I felt like I was familiar with enough singers & performances to endure the MTV VMA’s. And although they tried to dub themselves music’s biggest night, I wasn’t terribly disappointed! Am I getting cooler or is MTV just catering to my age demographic now? It’s the latter, obviously. There was a BO$$ performance from Missy Misdemeanor Elliott with a cameo from Alyson Stoner (her OG dancer) that brought the house down. Also featured: Taylor Swift, Jonas Brothers, Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello NOT kissing but definitely creating some boner jams, Miley Cyrus and my queen Lizzo serving up some real talk. So, yes, this was an awards show for those above 25 and I accept. Here’s my breakdown of how everyone looked.

WORST

avamax

I get that her hit song is sweet but a psycho but like do we really need to dress like it’s a comic con event to hammer it home?

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I DON’T UNDERSTAND TRENDS. THIS IS A WOMEN’S SUIT STRAIGHT FROM 1982. HE WON A FASHION AWARD LAST NIGHT. HOW.

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I’ve been dabbling in Snooki’s insta lately and even (gasp) browsed her online store and tbh I expected her to look a lot cuter. This weird rain coat with wedges combo didn’t hit for me.

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DJ Khaled’s style is dad at Señor Frogs and it makes me laugh out loud because WHAT A NERD.

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I’m having a real difficult time getting on board with gauchos again. They were in circa 2005, I bought 5 identical pairs of them including a sweatpants pair from AE (versatile) and now I look back at those pictures and scream laugh at how stupid they are. Please don’t bring them back. Put them away again. You should never have to question where someone’s legs/feet are.

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What fresh hell are these shoes that look like they have teeth on them?

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LOOFAH.

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Sorry Bella but this is weird as hell. What happens if you pull the straps on the bottom? Does her whole outfit scrunch together like the living room shade that it most definitely is? God I need to know.

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HALSEY. Cuuuuuutttt the shittttt. I’m so sick of seeing you in a dominatrix outfit every time you walk a carpet. YOU IS KIND. YOU IS BEAUTIFUL. STOP DRESSING LIKE A TRASHWAGON.

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These are drapes.

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Holy SHIT Allison. What’s the point in even wearing the dress?

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Taaaaacky.

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Just Diplo bein himself, forever on my worst dressed list.

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Great bod but ya’ll know how I feel about nearly nudes on the red carpet.

I get that we had a little throwback to the 2000’s night what with the Missy Elliott medley but by no means does that require a B. Spears snake copycat on the red carpet, LET ALONE TWO.

BEST

justinmikita

FLOWER.PANTS.

queen

I’m loving Queen Latifah in orange. I’m loving her Asian tourist dubz peace sign EVEN MORE.

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I recently saw Bebe Rexha live and she turned me into a fan just by wearing leggings and shaking her ass an IMPRESSIVE amount all over the stage. Girl gives good thigh and I’m here for it.

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Best way to win a moonman? Dress like one. Respect.

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Covered up that butterfly tattoo with a nice teal suit.

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Never would’ve guessed J.Woww would be the classiest of the crew but she looks great. Living her best life without Roger.

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B2B yellow lewwwwkz. My favorite color of the moment.

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If you hate Lizzo and her cocky as shit persona then you have a big dump in your pants.

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COLORS. BLAZER WITH NO PANTS. OVER THE KNEE BOOTS. REVERSE SWEETHEART NECKLINE. WHIMSY. Her performance outfit was better, tbh but this works too.

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Pink suit really complements his blue hurrrr.

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I can’t shout out Tay’s blazer/over the knee boot combo deal without also shouting out Megan’s! #hotgirlsummer

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Billy Ray’s still got itttttttt

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Outfit looks great, I’m really concerned about the fact that Gigi is a model and her go-to red carpet move is a gaping mouth. Is that what models do now? Should I start opening my mouth for pics? Trick question I already do.

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Curveball–Lenny’s pulling OFF the Canadian tuxedo.

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Always love a subtle leopard.

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Gotta give all the props considering these three goobers wore emerald green, royal blue, and orange suits (respectively) on their stop in Albany last week and it looked like we were accidentally at a Wiggles concert. Keep it simple with greys and blacks, boys.

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DAAAYummnnNnn Whit looks like a babe soda!

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Love this move by Lil Nas X. Especially because he didn’t top it with a bejeweled cowboy hat.

TWINZZZZZZZIES. Literally. They’re wearing the exact same suit, one was the host of the show, one hosted the red carpet. Would be suuupes embarrassing if I didn’t LOVE a summer aqua. T wore it better. White sneaks awl day.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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I don’t have words. Everything about this outfit is perfect.

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Red Carpet

Critic’s Choice Awards Red Carpet 2019

Didn’t watch these but when has that ever stopped me from salivating over the red carpet? Don’t answer that.

WORST

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I think the fact that this is basically a one piece tux is throwing me off. I wonder if she’s wearing a diaper because there’s NO WAY that’s easy to disrobe for bathroom times.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Remember last week when I told Amy Adams to take a risk? Yeah I didn’t mean wearing the exact same dress with puffier sleeves.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Flew too close to the sun last week as my best dressed couple of the night. This was a hard fall and I feel v. disappointed.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

WTF CONNIE?! Full body sequins AND a puke lime green?! Even your hair isn’t in it’s typical Tami Taylor mermaid wave. Clean it up.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Yay to the fact that full frontal exposure will be translating to every carpet this season!

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Press Room

KeWL more BeWbZ!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

YELLOW. SUNGLASSES. (Also for someone whose wah wahing about always playing gay characters…)

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Hold me….like the river Jordan….(for those of you who still haven’t seen Free Willy cough cough KAT, this is an Orca reference)

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

TYSM Laura, for giving us a new twist on showing off your rack. The asymmetrical  boob peephole.

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Why put a Victorian spin on nudity?

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

This is LOUD.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Quite literally looks like blood stains dribbling down her dress.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

As a tip from one curly head to another, bangs don’t work on us. Just something you have to come to accept.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Press Room

Sarah sees my cleavage rant and raises the stakes to a WHOLE NOTHA LEVEL.

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I feel like both of these outfits could’ve been found in the linens section. Tablecloth meets curtain.

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It has become very clear he’s just looking to make waves at every appearance this awards season. The only waves you’ll be making is treading water on my worst dressed. Boom. Roasted.

BEST

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WHOA the color, the texture, it’s electric!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Sparkly! And even though there’s a peep, it doesn’t lead to nipples. I approve!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

My overwhelming love for a matching lip and dress far outweighs my hate for this ultra deep front V trend.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

This is a shower curtain but honestly I’m hard up for best dressed and this is Lady Gaga’s time to shine.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Red Carpet

Throwing Regina a bone because even though this is pageant-esque, purple is my favorite color and it looks good on her.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Wins the DAYUMMNNNNN award of the night.

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THIS JACKET!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

The white looks clean and classy but I think we could’ve lost the cape here.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

My namesake going for sexy without being skanky. Always a fine line.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

My second namesake is KILLIN this year so far. Love the sparkly deets.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Royal blue is always a good choice for Mom. Where’s dad?

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Brown or burgundy? Not sure but he looks like a babe.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

I’m into this light grey twist.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Makeup, hair and dress on point!

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Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2019

WHADDDUPPPP AWARDS SZN! How ya derrrrin? Obviously I’m excited that my favorite winter pick-me-up has arrived. Because no matter what anyone says, nothing will ever beat the high of sitting on the couch in flannel pjs, still on a holiday eating schedule (24/7) shouting at the TV that someone looks like trash on one of the biggest nights of their life. Every season presents a different style that everyone latches onto (that I inevitably cannot stand) and this year was the deep cleavage v. If I can see your chin clean down to your belly button without obstruction, you’re getting tossed on the worst dressed and those are just FACTS. I recently dabbled in the cleavage game (new for me) at a wedding and I literally got my already modest v-neck sewn closer together the day before the wedding because you know what is even more alluring than showing your entire front? Leaving something to the imagination. Take notes from me and my boob etiquette, Hollywood. Let’s see how those who did or did not cover their nips fared.

WORST

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Last year her nips punched through the tv screen and poked my eye out so hopefully she’s opted for a bra this year but either way this dress is goo.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Is this like 80’s picture day or a bad wedding or what?

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Irina looks like a Vegas show girl and Bradley STINKS without a little scruff. I mean seriously he looks like a wax figure and a white suit does not complement that.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Remember when Taylor Swift sang about Camilla Belle being a big hoebag? Lolz. Great mems. Regardless, this eye shadow/slicked back hair is woof.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Since when does Chris Messina think he can go all Draco Malfoy up in this B? (To show how old I am, E News will 100% post this picture and caption it “ZADDY”)

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Hot damn is this dress tacky and a terrible color.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I love the style of this dress but I’m so not about that flesh tones life. Is she naked? Look quickly and yes, yes she is.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Well this is loud.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

And this is the opposite of loud. Are you 90, Emma?

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Now begins the portion of the program where I dump all over Hollywood’s titties. I DON’T NEED TO SEE THIS.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

PUT THEM AWAY. WE GET IT. YOU HAVE BOOBS. CALM YOURSELF.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I shouldn’t be able to tickle your belly button on the red carpet.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Why are you even wearing anything? At this point just walk naked.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

ZOMG more full frontal nudity!

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This dress is hideous first and foremost. The over the top boobage is just the cherry on top of the wreckage.

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I’m sorry, what?!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I don’t understand what’s happening here and therefore it blows.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

My lord, PUT IT AWAY. ALL OF IT. KNOCK IT OFF , LADIES. This is an awards show not the boom boom room at 3am.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

One shoulder taffeta. Yikes.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

More bewbz and let’s add in some ruffles.

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Kid’s art project 101.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

jerry

I rest my case.

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There’s so many things sticking out. The great war of puffy shoulder vs. erect hair.

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Ice dancer?

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Miss Frizzle teaching us about the solar system?

BEST

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Because I’m not a total prude and I can handle cleavage sans navel, Allison is getting after it in this outfit. I also love the chunky jewels.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Chrissy Metz may have called her a bitch but I think this outfit is killin it. Dave looks like a baller too.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

It’s often a red carpet trend that the ladies of SNL/comedy in general dress like they’re wearing paper bags and I feel like this is a fresh change up.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Amy plays it safe every time. This isn’t really doing it for me but it’s also not necessarily a WORST look. I think she could stand to take some risks though.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Classy and elegant.

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Not the top look I’ve ever seen from the Connster but she still looks like a dime piece as always.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

V. traditional ball gown and respectable that someone her age isn’t showing up in a mesh dress judging by the trends these days.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

VERSACE VERSACE VERSACE. I don’t know if this is Versace but it kind of should be.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

MOM AND DAD FOR LIFE. Also I understand the hypocrisy of calling out all the hoochies with their top half nudity and then approving of this but let it be known that this dress is actually cute so it’s different.

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This season’s installment of dresses I want to take a nap in. Also, Debra photographs well but up close? Yeesh.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

PRINCESSSSSSSSSS

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Sparkly and not cleavage down to her ankles!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

TBH, I walked in from work to this look and I was like whoa that’s a lot. Then it really grew on me. Only Lady Gagz would match her hair to her dress. The sleeves kind of suck, but the color is great and she looks beautiful in the shallow, shalalalllalalowwwwwwww world of Hollywood.

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Glenn Close gives good cape.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Honestly I laughed out loud when I saw this because people HATE Anne Hathaway. Like HARDCORE HATE someone for no reason and she just stunts up to the red carpet in 2019 dressed like she’s Sammi Sweetheart looking for some Ron Ron Juice in Seaside Heights circa 2010. and I LOVE IT. Get it, girl, Cheetah girls, cheetah sisters.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I like it. (I’m running out of things to say.)

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Not the slightest clue who this jabroni is but the COCKINESS of his stance, tossing that jacket open and rocking the one hand in pocket prom pose. Couldn’t love it more.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Peep those green suede shoes on Idris, tho.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

JLC poppin that leg like she invented it.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

This almost won my favorite look of the night because it’s Julia Roberts and also she looks amahzing.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Can’t ever beat a dress with pockets, don’t @ me.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Lookin like a red velvet cupcake snack!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Gr8 color choice, not so gr8 dress choice.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Rare Nicole Kidman compliment: She looks good.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Hot DAMN disco ball!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

❤ the jacket and the fact that Ryan openly admits on the red carpet to each celebrity that he just watched their movie because he was going to be interviewing them.

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Babe soda couple alert!

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Host looks good, wifey not so much.

FIJI Water At The 76th Annual Golden Globe Awards

I spy some gold toed shoesiez!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

DAWSON LEERY! Gasp.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Show - Roaming

SURPRISE! Taylor Swift strutted those stems out onto the stage to present a few awards and I almost screamed at my TV. Whatta babe.

QWEENS OF THE NIGHT:

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Holy hell these two owned it. Separately AND together.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

All of this week’s most important stories in one place.

1. Frozen 2 is a real thing that’s happening.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

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2. Buzzworthy music videos this week from Carly Rae Jepsen and Miranda Lambert. Miranda’s song Little Red Wagon teeters right on the edge of annoying and catchy for me, but girl deserves props for looking like a smokeshow sassternaut in this video.

Carly Rae Jepsen waited a few years until we were over Call Me Maybe (spoiler: I’ll never be over Call Me Maybe) before she put out another bubblegum smash. This time she recruited Tom Hanks to use emojis in her music video and break it down next to Biebs. Keeping us on our toes with just the right amount of weird.

3. Andy Samberg to host the Emmys in September on FOX. Seth Meyers hosted last year and did a pretty dece job, especially when he recruited Billy Eichner for a little Billy on the Street bit.

I’m a liiiiittle concerned about Andy hosting an entire awards show, but I’ll hold out hope for some new Lonely Island material that doesn’t contain the words Everything or Awesome.

4. Fashion Police is F’ed. Dear, dear Joan Rivers is LITERALLY rolling in her grave. This show is a HOT mess. Giuliana makes some joke about dreads and suddenly the hosts of this show are dropping like flies. E! should stick to their Kash Kow and maybe cut their losses with this show since it’s basically in the dumpsters right now. If Kathy Griffin leaves your show you know you’ve got a reaaaalll problem.

5. Zoolander 2 announced via Walk-Off in Paris Fashion Week. At this point everyone has blabbed about this since it happened at the beginning of the week but I don’t discriminate on my weekly juice…news is news and Zoolander is BACK. What a perfect way to announce that Hollywood is producing yet another lazy sequel, by making a mockery of Paris’s fashion week with a goofy Hansel and Zoolander walk-off. Even Ice Queen Anna Wintour got in on the joke. Props, girl. Buckle up for the 2016 return! More importantly…did we ever find out who won the walk off?

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