Red Carpet

Critic’s Choice Awards Red Carpet 2019

Didn’t watch these but when has that ever stopped me from salivating over the red carpet? Don’t answer that.

WORST

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

I think the fact that this is basically a one piece tux is throwing me off. I wonder if she’s wearing a diaper because there’s NO WAY that’s easy to disrobe for bathroom times.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Remember last week when I told Amy Adams to take a risk? Yeah I didn’t mean wearing the exact same dress with puffier sleeves.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Flew too close to the sun last week as my best dressed couple of the night. This was a hard fall and I feel v. disappointed.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

WTF CONNIE?! Full body sequins AND a puke lime green?! Even your hair isn’t in it’s typical Tami Taylor mermaid wave. Clean it up.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Yay to the fact that full frontal exposure will be translating to every carpet this season!

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Press Room

KeWL more BeWbZ!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

YELLOW. SUNGLASSES. (Also for someone whose wah wahing about always playing gay characters…)

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Hold me….like the river Jordan….(for those of you who still haven’t seen Free Willy cough cough KAT, this is an Orca reference)

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

TYSM Laura, for giving us a new twist on showing off your rack. The asymmetrical  boob peephole.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Why put a Victorian spin on nudity?

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

This is LOUD.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Quite literally looks like blood stains dribbling down her dress.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

As a tip from one curly head to another, bangs don’t work on us. Just something you have to come to accept.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Press Room

Sarah sees my cleavage rant and raises the stakes to a WHOLE NOTHA LEVEL.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

I feel like both of these outfits could’ve been found in the linens section. Tablecloth meets curtain.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Red Carpet

It has become very clear he’s just looking to make waves at every appearance this awards season. The only waves you’ll be making is treading water on my worst dressed. Boom. Roasted.

BEST

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

WHOA the color, the texture, it’s electric!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Sparkly! And even though there’s a peep, it doesn’t lead to nipples. I approve!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

My overwhelming love for a matching lip and dress far outweighs my hate for this ultra deep front V trend.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

This is a shower curtain but honestly I’m hard up for best dressed and this is Lady Gaga’s time to shine.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Red Carpet

Throwing Regina a bone because even though this is pageant-esque, purple is my favorite color and it looks good on her.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Wins the DAYUMMNNNNN award of the night.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

THIS JACKET!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

The white looks clean and classy but I think we could’ve lost the cape here.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

My namesake going for sexy without being skanky. Always a fine line.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

My second namesake is KILLIN this year so far. Love the sparkly deets.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Royal blue is always a good choice for Mom. Where’s dad?

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Brown or burgundy? Not sure but he looks like a babe.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

I’m into this light grey twist.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Makeup, hair and dress on point!

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Red Carpet

Critics Choice Awards Red Carpet

I can’t say I’ve ever watched the Critics Choice Awards before, but I think I’m down with them now. People are winning for things I actually watched and they just allowed Amy Schumer to stand onstage for like 5 minutes saying whatever the hell she felt like. Those five minutes alone were better than the entire Golden Globes this year. Anyway, here’s the top and bottom looks of the night. (Disclaimer: there are 0 men on this list…apparently no boys were allowed on the red carpet or something.)

WORST:

niecynash

Girl, this makes you look like a frumpy wad of cotton candy. I don’t know why she just didn’t borrow from Chanel #5’s closet.

wendimclendon-covey

This is a super unfortunate flappy armpit fabric sitch.

mjblige

MJ Blige showing off her bicep tats with these sleeves.

zoekravitz

Creamsicle, dreamsicle.

melissamccarthy

Better than the Golden Globes Hefty bag but still not quite there.

januaryjones

Lite Brite Dress

jennifer-aniston-justin-theroux-critics-choice-awards-2016

Slow your roll with that slit, Jen. Could she have made it easier for a little under-the-table funny business?

rachel-bloom

One shoulder tops give me a very early 2000’s MK&A vibe.

mayim-bialik

Did she get dressed in the 17th century, question mark

sarah-paulson_0

I imagine this is what Wednesday Addams would wear if she was into sparkles.

BEST:

constancezimmer

Classic look for a winner.

shiriappleby

Let’s talk about the fact that she just gave birth like 4 minutes ago and looks like a dime.

livtyler

If I wore this dress I would also look like I was 3 months pregnant. Liv actually is.

americaferrara

A classy black party dress is always hot stuff.

emmyrossum

Now this is how you do a slit.

amyschumer

Amy looks like a smokeshow.

marissa-tomei

sAsSy & SaH CaYooTe

krysten-ritter

Perfect hair, perfect dress.

lesie-judd1

Both tulle looks from last night make me want a tutu real bad.

gina-rodriguez

What a vision.

kirsten-dunst

Normally tiered dresses like this are super unflattering but Kirsten’s so damn skinny that she pulls it off.

hayden-p

NIPS OUT FOR THE BOYS! Hayden’s back!

Fave look of the night/Girl Boner:

rachelmcadams

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. I missed the Critics Choice Awards last night. That’s on me. And reading about it is giving me FOMO because apparently any awards show that I DON’T watch is when things happen: Michael Strahan hosted and did a Magic Mike routine, John Kraskinski & Emily Blunt were cute as shit and Kevin-Silver Fox-Costner won a lifetime award. Whatever. Here’s the worst looks:

angelina-jolie-290 jessica-chastain-290 keira-knightley-435 emily-blunt-290

And the best looks:

amy-adams-290 felicity-jones-290 jamie-chung-290 jennifer-aniston-290 julianne-moore-290 leslie-mann-01-290 reese-witherspoon-290 rosamund-pike-290

2A. Even though I did a full recap and fashion blog on the Globes, there were some worthy next day shots of after party outfits that deserved to be addressed. (Mainly I can’t go without giving props to my girl Tay.) Here are some of my fave outfits for people who were cool enough to party but not enough to attend the awards.

tswiftgg

To be clear, Taylor is the best dressed here.

Screen shot 2015-01-14 at 11.12.53 PM Screen shot 2015-01-14 at 11.14.10 PM Screen shot 2015-01-14 at 11.15.05 PM

2B. While we’re on the topic of Jennifer Aniston, let’s discuss another tidbit to come after the Globes. Remember when Billy Bob Thornton accepted his Golden Globe for Fargo and basically said everything he says gets him in trouble so he’ll just say thank you? Apparently Billy didn’t apply this rule to his post-Globes interviews. When asked to play Would You Rather with Jen Aniston or Reese Witherspoon, Billy revealed it’s his life goal to take Jen to poundtown. No word on if he would also like to exchange vials of blood with her but I’ll be happy to keep you posted on the matter. (Shoutout to Den for the goss. tip)

3. Kelly Clarkson came out of what I can only assume was retirement (it’s been a while) and released Heartbeat Song, which is a great jam so get groovin to it this weekend. Also her bowling ball head child named after a body of water produced it or something.

4. Idina Menzel will be singing Let it Go The National Anthem at the Superbowl. You know what would be REALLY patriotic? If I could go five minutes without getting the song Let it Go stuck in my head. America has ruined winter, Idina Menzel and everything snowman related with that damn song and I just want to live my life Let it Go free. If there are ANY superbowl promos that play this song when announcing her singing the national anthem I will LITERALLY chop both of my ears off because I will no longer be needing them in this Let it Go world. If we’re being honest I’m actually surprised there aren’t more ear cutting incidents with parents of small children who probably play this song/movie on repeat. End rant. (Just so we’re clear just typing the song title that many times ensured that the song is in my head for the rest of the day). Also John Legend will be singing America the Beautiful and this I can stand behind wholeheartedly. John has the voice of an angel and I will approve of him serenading forever and ever.

5. Mariah Carey is banished to Vegas. Not a minute too soon really….Just kidding, she should’ve been shipped to Vegas for her show girl act roughly circa 2001. Props to her for trying to stay relevant for as long as she did. I’m gonna go ahead and assume her abomination of All I Want For Christmas Is You at the NYC tree lighting this year pretty much sealed the deal. If you’re looking for the revival of butterflies and rhinestone frocks, be sure to pre-order your tickets now to see her Vegas act at Caesar’s Palace (side note: do you think the real Caesar lived there? Asking for a friend. You’re welcome for bringing back a 5 year old movie quote.) Also in other sad sap Mariah Carey news her baby husband Nick Cannon has filed for divorce. YIKES. Getting the D bomb AND the Vegas act all in one week. #ThoughtsandPrayers

mariah

Announced on Ellen, dressed in THAT.

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