JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/22/2020

1a. Kristin Wants Bonus Points.

As someone who is a reality star and built her own brands for jewelry and clothing, Kristin is no stranger to marketing. And this post is nothing short of a marketing move. Her divorce has been a shitshow of her team basically slinging mud at Jay in the press with him not even saying a peep except for his Mother’s Day post on instagram giving her a shoutout (which we’ve yet to determine if she actually posted on his account.) He comes up looking like roses every time because he very clearly is not looking for publicity. Well, Kristin wanted a little attention as well. She wanted to stop looking like the bad guy, so she posts the above THE DAY AFTER FATHER’S DAY basically so everyone will applaud her for being a good sport. NOT ME, KRISTIN–NOT ME. I’m firmly Team Jay and I didn’t really need many reasons other than Kristin seems like a real sneaky bitch (plus I was always an LC stan anyway) and Jay seems like a real stand-up guy. But we were all #blessed with even more reasons to love Jay this week…

1b. Need All Eyes on the Chicken Serial Killer

Jay made his first ever Instagram story. As someone who probably was 24/7 filming and taking portrait photos of his wife, he didn’t really have his time to shine in the sun with content. But boy oh boy, he’s making up for that now. He has created a saga that has the whole world captivated. Someone has been murdering Jay’s chickens and he NEEDS to get to the bottom of this mystery and save his “ladies.” He has a real asshole cat (all cats are assholes and people who haven’t figured it out yet are dummies) that could be a suspect, or of course whatever wild creatures live in the backwoods of Tennessee. He promises that he’ll put a camera out and stake out in his kids treehouse to get to the bottom of this. Unfortunately for all of us waiting with baited breathe to see who is murdering these chickens in cold blood, it rained the first night and really put a damper on his watch. Night two, he got down and dirty and borrowed some night vision goggles. I don’t know how he does it, but Jay Cutler has one of the most uninterested, dry sarcastic tones, but he is captivating. I NEED to know who is ravaging his chickens and I REALLY want it to be the cat because it would prove my lifelong theory that cats are sneaky murderers. Unfortunately he has already cleared the cat and apologized to it…but I won’t rest until we have a suspect in custody. I will stay up all night with Jay checking his Instagram stories for updates until there is justice served. (This is something I’m able to do as I’m just as unemployed as Jay.) Here are just some of his updates from the past 24 hours that I so lovingly screen recorded from his Insta so that everyone can enjoy this wild chicken killer chase. Savage move by the gun company to get involved for a giveaway. Now we’re monetizing this like it’s a true crime doc and I LOVE IT. NEED more Jay in my life. How much do you think Kristin is hating this attention he’s getting and how do you think she’ll try to weasel her way into it? LMK.

 

 

2. Is Huffing Still A Thing?

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I guess it is for our little Alfalfa! Bug Hall was arrested this week in Texas for huffing. The only knowledge I have on huffing is that there was a 7th Heaven episode about it where Simon painted a mural with some kids from school and they were huffing paint cans. They all had red spray paint all over their faces and then got bloody noses. It was disgusting, Simon obviously narced on them and Annie Camden came in to lay down the law and tell everyone’s parents that their kids were ingesting fumes instead of a well-balanced diet. All was well by the end of the 45 minute episode. It was the 90’s when that aired…also when Bug Hall was best known. So apparently he got hooked on the cans in the 90’s and just never stopped? Because if you told me that people still huff today when there’s 90000 other drugs they could do that probably produce the same high, I’d tell you that you’re crazy. WHO HUFFS FROM A CAN?! Also, I would never have guessed that it’s ILLEGAL and grounds for arrest. Learn something new every day I tell ya. Bug is now 35…has children and was arrested in a hotel room full of fumey cans. As far as child star arrests go, I’d say this is pretty high on the list. That mugshot is WOOF (not as bad as Goldberg’s but really no one can top a methhead) and I am very embarrassed to admit that I once had a raging crush on Bug. My sister and I recently stumbled upon Get A Clue–the Disney Channel original with Bug and Lindsay Lohan and remembered thinking Bug was hot back in the day so we re-watched. We almost puked in our hands at our terrible taste in boys. We also couldn’t get past Lindsay’s horrific acting and pastel-tinted sunglasses she wore in school DURING THE DAY. The movie was switched off immediately and we opted for A Ring of Endless Light instead because a girl who can talk to dolphins was much more in our wheelhouse. Praying for Bug’s recovery from addiction to aerosol cans.

3. Slow Down, Demi.

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BAAAYYBEEE – I have so much fun with you and there’s so many things I want to say right now but I want to be present and spend this bday with you so I’ll be quick: Being with you makes life SO MUCH FUN 😆😝 We literally act like hooligans on the daily and don’t give a FUCK if we’re embarrassing ourselves if others are around!! I spend my days with you, bare faced and in a bathing suit.. I feel unconditionally loved and accepted by you in a way that I’ve never felt before.. I can’t explain it or you.. you’re indescribable, you beautiful, man. Inside and out you are jaw-droppingly gorgeous.. You’re also such a positive lil beam of light in my life and I can’t wait to make more birthday memories together.. here’s to the future baby. I love you @maxehrich 💙💙💙💙 p.s. everyone swipe to see my dog Ella literally trying to steal my man… 🤣

A post shared by Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) on

I’m just looking out for my girl here and it seems like things are moving rather quickly for her in this relationship. Not long ago she released the single “I Love Me” where she basically admitted that she has no problem showering other people with love but she hates herself and she really needs to learn how to love herself first. GURL. Have you learned yet? Because that seems like a speedy turnaround time and now you’re already in a new hot serious relationship. I’m just being a friend. I would want any of my besties to keep me in check and make sure I’m good. Plus I’ve heard (through movies and TV) that addicts aren’t advised to have a relationship in their early years of recovery. I’m no expert, but I think watching a lot of TV and movies makes me one and this seems like a slippery slope. Don’t get me wrong, Max is cute, and I’m happy if my girl’s happy but COULD this just be infatuation? Cause they’re lookin REAL PDA in these photos and I’m just wondering if it’s more about the bang bang bangity bang. Just spitballin here. Also when she said “Here’s to the future baby” and didn’t use a comma I quite literally thought it was a pregnancy announcement. So, let this be a lesson to all–grammar is key and also safe sex plz because I don’t feel like this is the right time for a Demi baby. TAKE IT SLOW GIRL, LOVE YOU LOTS! Call me! Kbyeeeeeee.

4. Ms. Frizzle Comes to LIFE.

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Another idea mined from the 90’s to be recreated! Lookie lookie here! I love how everyone razzes me for how much I love 90’s pop culture and fashion, when in reality, current pop culture and fashion is obsessed with the 90’s. The Magic School Bus was LIT and anytime a teacher let us watch one of their movies instead of listening to them speak, it was like a school field trip all in itself. Ms. Frizzle was a wild teacher with crazy red hair and was like hey guys you wanna learn about this? LETS JUST FLY THE DAMN SCHOOL BUS RIGHT INTO IT! And let me be the first to say, this should stay in cartoon format. There are some things that you don’t want to see in live action 3-D and this series is one hundo percent one of them. I distinctly remember the human body episode where Frizz-nasty commandeers the bus down a kid’s throat to show everyone what germs are kicking around in his body to give him this cold. When you see germs as cartoons you’re like eh that’s kinda gross but also cool. I don’t need to see germs IRL like we’re looking under a G-D microscope. Leave that to icky science classes. Not for me. I also don’t need to see the kid have a VERY wet sneeze to get the bus out of his nose. I almost just ralphed imagining that. So once again, I’ll reiterate for those of you in the back that may not be paying attention: the 90’s were cool as hell but I’ll dictate what’s worth recreating and what’s not. Pro: Bike shorts, overalls, scrunchies, Olsen Twins & Babysitters Club. Against: The Magic School bus IRL.

5. The Chicks.

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I’m REEEEEEEEEEEALLLY reaching here but the Dixie Chicks are changing their name and dropping the Dixie because it’s racist AF, I guess. Kinda like Lady Antebellum changing their name to Lady A and then pissing off a black blues singer with the same name who has been around longer than them and pointed out that them trying to take her name is exactly what white privilege is. So, The Chicks should be a smooth transition. I’m guessing musicians are trying to keep some semblance of their original name since they’ve been around forever and have albums and merch and all these copyrights on their original name…but calling yourselves The Chicks sucks. At that point just go back to the drawing board and brainstorm a whole new name but make sure you’ve got a historian in there with you to point out what can be tied to racism. But everyone’s just scrambling and shooting from the hip nowadays when it’s literally the WORST time to scramble and shoot from the hip. These things should probably be really well thought out but who am I to judge. HAHA. Just kidding. I am me and I will judge the hardest. I haven’t quite seen what shit the Chicks are getting yet but I’ll be anticipating diving in on that. The only thing I did see was this A+ tweet that made me laugh out loud. Anything that ties back to the CLASSIC that is Saved by the Bell will always get a full-belly laugh from me.

BONUS:

Somebody please explain TikTok to me because I was producing hilarious content out the ying yang last week and it was stacks of 0 views. This week, I threw out my $17 straightener that I bought when I was 15 and learned that letting my hair air dry and then using a ConAir crimper just wasn’t going to cut it once I was a high schooler. It was an emotional ending for me as this straightener has seen the best and worst of my hair throughout the past 15 years. It was only fitting that I gave it a proper burial with Enya. I expected this to be a dud just like the rest and whatdya know I checked TikTok twenty minutes later to confirm and it had 15 likes and 152 views. SO I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO BE NOT FUNNY TO BE NOTICED ON TIKTOK. I do not understand this app, which makes sense because I do not understand today’s youths and I feel like the two go hand in hand. This jarred me and I wasn’t sure what my next TikTok should be–something that I laughed at or something I think a 12 year old would laugh at. Therefore I only churned out one TikTok this week. To be fair, I also produced a HILAR video of my dad cannonballing that I worked really hard to splice some throwback 90’s audio in for but when I showed it to him expecting praise and affirmation that I’m creative AND funny, all he told me was that he looked like a heffer and this video was never to be posted anywhere publicly. WOMp WOMPPPPpppPPPP. Thanks, DAD. Way to have BODY CONFIDENCE. Don’t be out here doing 100 cannonballs and telling me to film or boomerang them if you’re just going to scoff at your dad bod in them. So instead of posting that, I’ll post this bitchy tweet about how much I hate celebs and their lack of individuality. Have a good weekend, everyone except famous people who get internet adoration for being TOTAL PLAIN BAGELS.

 

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/18/2020

1. Another One Bites The Dust.

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Megan Fox was seen gallivanting around with Machine Gun Kelly recently so rumors started swirling about her and Brian Austin Green getting a divorce. Brian then used his podcast to announce that they’ve been separated for months and it’s all good. They want to Hollywood new-age co-parent and do vacays together and shit and they love each other but Megan Fox just realized when she was in another country filming a movie (coincidentally with Machine Gun Kelly) that she just liked being a single gal without kids and living it up so that doesn’t really mean GREAT things for their marriage, obviously. Since then, she has basically confirmed that she’s boning MGK (how do skinny wieners like Machine Gun Kelly and Pete Davidson consistently pull in hot older woman ass? A burning question that may never be answered) via the new music video he dropped this week. As much as I want to hate this song, it grows on you. And now I think it kinda slaps. Does this make me an MGK fan?

If you want my personal opinion–that’s why you’re here, right?–Megan Fox is overrated as hell, stinks as an actress because all she ever does is play the hot girl with basically no inflection or personality and Brian Austin Green deserves to find a forever Donna to his David. And that’s the tea.

2. Warm Fuzzy of the Week.

If you watch the above videos, you’ll see that some little kid gave his neighborhood FedEx driver a skateboard and told him to get it to Tony Hawk. Natch, all it took was the FedEx driver’s TikTok to go viral and Tony Hawk replied with a shoutout to the kid as well as one of his skateboards. I don’t often post adorable things that celebrities do because I’m so busy ridiculing them for being idiots and/or rubbing their fame and fortune in our faces or in the case of Taylor Swift, begging her to notice me and sweep me up in her BFF entourage. Regardless, this was a real win for Tony Hawk and for TikTok, which gets a bad rep for all the underage hoochies dancin on it. I also really posted this story so that I could share what I just discovered this week–which is that Tony Hawk uses his Twitter primarily to tell stories about people who don’t have a clue who he is and that is very entertaining to me. So not only is Tony Hawk a real stand-up gent, he’s also got a great sense of humor and obviously shreds gnar ollies. (Did I do that right, Mr. Hawk?)

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3. Trainwreck Divorce Update.

It may come as no shock, but Very Cavallari has been cancelled along with Kristin’s marriage. Did E! Executives say: we don’t want a reality show without that sarcastic sassy hubs of yours? Maybe. Or maybe Kristin realized letting a reality show back into her life wouldn’t fit the narrative of all the mud she’s been slinging about Jay to the press. Either way, the world will have to live without a show that highlights a girl named Brittainy (because of course it’s spelled that way) prancing all over Nashville with maximum cleavage at all times. She will be missed. Unfortunately this also leaves the door wide open for Kristin to sashay back onto the Hills because she now fits the bill perfectly for that reboot of washed up moms who still want to act like they’re 23 at Les Deux. Playboy Spence is campaigning HARD to get her back on The Hills and I’m just not sure if I’m mentally or emotionally prepared for that. Don’t get me wrong, if it happens, I’ll watch, but I won’t enjoy it.

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Also, since we can’t go a few days without an update on their divorce proceedings (or questioning if Kristin gave herself a mother’s day tribute from Jay’s instagram…gotta respect the hustle) I also made a note in my phone to mention that they’re basically giving their house in Nashville away. They bought it for 7.9 million, they’re selling it for 5 million. YOOIIIIIKES. That’s gotta hurt.

4. Stop Declaring the Song of the Summer in May.

As 1/2 of the famous duo that CURATED the soundtrack to the summer for 10 straight years also known as Summer Palooza, I can confidently say that if you declare a song the SONG OF THE SUMMER in May, you’ll regret it by end of June. I know this, because I too have fallen prey to this trap. The ONLY exception to this rule was the year JT dropped Can’t Stop the Feeling. It was a diamond in the rough considering it was made for a Trolls movie, but that was the SINGULAR scenario where I excitedly trumped it the song of the summer and it was INDEED the SONG OF THE SUMMER. So anyway, I now present to you, songs that were released this week(ish) that are most certainly not THE SONG OF THE SUMMER. If you beg and plead hard enough, maybe Nikki and I will bring Summer Palooza out of retirement if only to give you bitches a lesson in what qualifies as a three-month long seasonal slap.

5. Good News is worth a lot of Cheddar.

Remember the Youtube show that John Krasinski made during this pandemic that has everyone buzzing every week? I’ve blogged about it strictly for Office cast reunions, but basically John Krasinski the handsome devil that he is, created this show out of the goodness of his heart to spotlight good news and also kick it with his celebrity friends and give us all a taste of an Office reunion and probably keep him busy during quarantine. The entertainment industry is so RABID for new ideas because they recycle the same old shit constantly, that after John’s 8 episode run was over there was a legitimate bidding war for the IP of the show. John sold out and now Some Good News will be on CBS…without him. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT?! Like way to take a good, wholesome original thing and turn it corporate ya money-hungry grubbers. I’m not even mad at John because he created the idea and he deserves the payout…but man,  Hollywood ruins everything. (I’ll retract that statement the day they offer me even a penny for my work. BUT UNTIL THEN I WON’T BITE MY TONGUE.)

BONUS: This is a very weird wormhole that I went down, but everyone was really jazzed about the below clip where Sarah Ramos (of Parenthood fame) and Dylan O’Brien (of Teen Wolf reboot fame) redid a scene from the Social Network.

And that’s cool and all, they obviously did a good job and you can watch the original scene at the end for reference if like me, you haven’t seen the social network in a solid 5 years. But what really entertained me for the rest of the night, was going into a deep dive on Sarah Ramos’ instagram. Girl has been just regularly recreating obscure movie and TV scenes on her own and they are GREAT. Shout out to her for just doing the damn thing. I’ve included my favorites (all pre-teen classics) but you can refer to her Instagram page for a real variety of content. Her ability to match Hilary Duff’s voice really sold me. Shouting out an incredibly cringeworthy Heidi/LC fallout scene from the Hills was just the cherry on top.

(Proof that even in her teen years, Megan Fox was playing THE EXACT SAME “CHARACTER” she always plays. I rest my case.)

And in the spirit of sharing videos of one single person filming themselves and getting way too into it, here are my TikToks from this week. If you don’t follow me on TikTok yet, you’re obviously missing out on some of my best content. I can’t allow that to happen, which is why I will continue to blast it out on my blog and also text 5-10 people the video every time I make one. Someone I like telling me I’m funny counts 10x more than a stranger on TikTok liking my video, although I will happily accept both. I’m just doing the Lord’s work here really, blessing y’all with selfie videos you never knew you wanted or needed.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/27/2020

1. KCav & Cutty No Mo.

Kristin posted this on Sunday and as I was scrolling through Instagram I read it and was like haha what a funny prank and then remembered it was definitely not near April Fools and that this probably wasn’t a prank. After that realization, I read it aloud to my sister and immediately texted my friend to scoop her on it. Just because it’s sad and traumatizing news does not mean it shall go unscooped. As you might recall, Kristin, Jay, their family and their gay besties were all quarantined together in the Bahamas for several weeks. They seemed like they were having a ball (under the circumstances) playing games and drinking together, posting constantly on social media. Jay was often included and seemed happy and a part of it and not at all annoyed that his wife felt the need to utilize their family vacay for content creation. What a dream. THAT’S the kind of man that I want to marry. Except now it’s all a lie and love is dead. I will admit that against my better judgment and mostly due to an overwhelming boredom and nosiness, I began to tune into Very Cavallari this season once my sister promised me that it was more about Kristin and Jay and less about big-toothed sorority lookin’ bitches running a jewelry line and ho’ing out all over Nashville. I was pleasantly surprised at how much I was beginning to like Kristin, but if we’re being honest I was really tuning in for Jay. I lived for his dry sarcasm and eye rolls at the stupidity that is reality tv. It was riveting. Plus, I felt like they were a real couple that had their ups and downs and weren’t putting on an act. Cut to divorce. Obviously this ambiguous insta and going social media dark left a lot of lingering questions and really all we needed to do is sit back and wait for the deets to start flying. And boy oh boy have they been flying. We now know that they’ve been in rough shape for a while and they went on the trip knowing they’d be announcing their divorce. They fought constantly. Everyone in Nashville knew they were on the rocks, Jay’s parents never liked Kristin, the film crew of Very Cavallari witnessed him yelling at her a lot, belittling her and making her cry. Oh, and apparently Jay blindsided Kristin by filing for the big D, so she struck back by citing “inappropriate marital conduct” and asking for primary custody of the kids. AND she said he’s trying to stop her from buying a new house for herself (Let this be a lesson to all the girls out there, ALWAYS keep a separate checking account for yourself. Joint checking accounts are for boners.) If we can’t trust in love anymore, at least we can trust in knowing that the real dirt will always come out. These PR statements that celebs make upon splitting about loving each other and respecting each other don’t mean shit if you’re lawyering up HOARD and the steaming hot garbage of your relashe is pouring out to the press daily. Did Cutty cheat?! Will Kristin and Audrina become single moms out on the prowl, fighting over Justin Bobby again?! I’m sure we’ll all find out soon enough. You can count on me to keep you posted on the dramz……..regretfully so.

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2a. Oopsie Poopsie.

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I gotta be up front about this one and say that by scoop rules, I was scooped. I was hesitant to scoop it out because it was originally “reported” that she was pregnant and I didn’t want to be wrong and in that moment’s hesitation, my friend got me. If you’re wondering out loud why we’re both giant losers who need to be the first to announce celebrity gossip in order to feel alive, please know that you aren’t wrong.

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Since I’m the one with the blog, I could’ve easily spun this to say that I announce all celebrity gossip first, but I’m nothing if not brutally honest. I’ll take the L here. Losing a scoop is like losing the will to survive. I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Put that on my gravestone tho, furreal. Anyway, beyond the fact that I missed out on delivering this juicy news (I bounced back by announcing it to my sister, she scoffed at me because she hates both of these individuals), let’s chat real quick about this trend for the youths of Hollywood where having a kid out of wedlock before you’re 25 is a badge of honor. That used to be frowned upon, no? Like in the real world, if you get preggers accidentally and you’re young, there’s a little yikes factor to that. A slight cloud of shame for bucking society standards. In Hollywood, it’s cool as shit to pop babies out while you’re still in your 20’s partying phase. A baby is just another cute accessory to wear matching crop tops with and you forget you even gave birth because your body bounces back so quick. Kylie Jenner was like I knew I was just meant to be a mom. No betch, you got knocked up and then put a spin zone on it. As we saw with Kylie, young parenthood doesn’t keep these couples together and you can bet your bottom dollar that Zayn and Gigi will not survive this. They’re already an unstable coups, breaking up every few months, Gigi just turned 25 and they’re both mega-famous and have careers in the spotlight. I give it a year before playing mom and dad wears off REAL QUICK. Also, just so I reinforce my legitimacy at reporting news, this was finally confirmed by the blessed Yolanda, who said she can’t wait to be an “Oma”. Then from the horses’ mouth herself, Gigi who announced it SOLO for Jimmy Fallon.

Double also, in Hollywood years I must be 95 years old because I’m 28, single and childless. When can I start cashing those retirement chexxxxxx? Triple also, let’s start betting on names to keep quarantine spicy.

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Note that normal name is last on the list of options because it’s absolutely preposterous to expect a normal name from two people who became famous in their pre-teens. Get outta here with that. Obviously since Gigi’s grandma recently passed, there will be an homage to her through first or middle name because they were close and the Hadid’s are all about that Dutch life even though they’re half Palestinian (kick rocks Mohamed, Team Yo foreva.) Zayn will not have a part in this baby’s name because he probably won’t stick around past teething. Shoutout to my gurl Kat for proposing the hard questions here and really provoking thought in the name of models getting accidentally pregnant.

2b. All of the Pregnancies.

Less triggering for me, sorry I hate youths, there were several other pregnancies announced this week. Katherine Schwarzenegger is expecting, which should come as a shock to no one because they’re supes Christian (that means they don’t use birth control…for all you heathens out there) and just got married so natch it’s babymakin time. Lea Michele didn’t announce but someone announced for her, to which my sister goes who cares, she’s not even married to a famous person. And she’s not wrong. Her husband’s name is Zandy, which I think is the real bone we have to pick here. Congrats on becoming a dad but WTF kind of a name is ZANDY?! Also, we see Lea with her gay BFF’s more than her actual husband, which doesn’t really paint a picture of a happy marriage but who am I to judge?! HAHA another sentence I couldn’t type without a burst of laughter. And lastly, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross are expecting another kiddie. May they name it something better than Jagger.

3. Cooch is an underrated word.

TMZ released some pics this week of Kendall hanging out with NBA player Devin Booker and let me tell you this is not the first NBA star Kendall has been linked to. Someone replied with a video of guys throwing a baby to each other and said “Kendall getting passed around the NBA”-I would include the tweet since it made me laugh out loud for use of video and coinciding burn but naturally the person has since deleted it in fear of getting internet cancelled. And Kendall came back with THIS:

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And honestly, I don’t care about the Kardashians other than to troll Kim on twitter for being the least self-aware person on this earth but this response is iconic. For all I know Kendall might’ve banged every player in the league…but referring to who she has sex with as “where i throw this cooch” was easily the coolest thing I’ve seen. Mostly because cooch is SUUUUUCH an underrated word. Every once in a while I’m reminded of a word that should be used WAY more in casual convo and this was one of those moments. Cooch is HILARIOUS. Not as derogatory as twat or vag or my personal jarring and overly-disgusting fave: roast beef curtains (RB Curtz for short). Cooch is perfectly suggestive without being offensive. The more that I read that sentence the more I’m convinced it should be a line in a Lizzo song. Maybe it is. I’m not LIT enough with hip hop so if she did steal this line from a rapper then I apologize. But credit where credit is due, that was a 10/10 response from Kendall Jenner. She flies under the radar because she has muuuuch more dramatic and self-obsessed sisters who usually take the spotlight. But a well-delivered cooch-throwing has just sky rocketed her back to the top. And if you don’t think I’m going to use every opportunity to push cooch into a convo then you don’t know me at AWL.

4. Buhholes Galore!

Societal rules don’t apply in quarantine, I guess. Butthole shots can now be justified by boredom according to Sofia Vergara. In case you didn’t already think she was a MILF, here’s her butthole next to her niece’s butthole. Can you tell them apart? Probably not! She’s 48 and her niece is 27. Yet here they are bhole twinnin it up. Just another day at the pool at Auntie Sofia’s bending over the railing to give her hot beefy husband a clear shot of two bholes as he probably does a waistband tuck! LOLOLOL. Say butthole again. BUTTHOLE. While we’re on the topic of buttholes, I recently started listening to Andrea Savage’s podcast entitled “Andrea Savage: A Grown-Up Woman #buttholes.” The idea of the podcast is to interview her friends and make people feel better about being an adult because even if you’re old and have kids and shit, you can still be immature and laugh at the word butthole. Every guest that comes on has to read their name and how they pronounce buttholes and let me tell you it makes me giggle every single time. I feel like the word buttholes, much like the word cooch, doesn’t get enough appreciation for how ridiculous and silly it is. I applaud Andrea for her work in re-emerging it into society and giving it the spotlight it deserves. Also, she’s super funny and her show I’m Sorry about her life is must-see TV–you can catch it on Netflix. And that’s my Ted Talk on BuTtHoLeS.

5. WE DID IT! 

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Last week I announced the reunion special of Parks and Rec and prayed to the Quarantine Gods that we didn’t get a steaming pile of dump reunion because we REALLY NEEDED SOMETHING GOOD. And thankfully, they delivered. The Parks and Rec reunion premiered last night and it was PERFECT. It was not at all forced, the storyline of Corona Virus meshed with the characters that they all played in the show and was a completely plausible plot for all of them, it wasn’t at all odd that they weren’t in the same place and they still made it unified and make sense. I CAN GO ON ALL DAY. BRAVO!!! A reunion done right. Most importantly, I was nervous that requesting the return of a B side character was a lofty expectation but I got my Jean Ralphio singing dumb words AND so many more side character cameos as well. And lastly, it ended with a heartwarming group singalong to one of the greatest fictional tunes of all time, 5,000 Candles in the Wind. If you’d like to listen to that song as well as my other top fictional hits, check out my baller playlist I made like 3 years ago HERE.

And if you missed the episode last night like I did because you were busy drinking on the kitchen floor with your sister for a skilled wine glass tiktok, you can catch it on YouTube here:

 

BONUS:

You didn’t honestly think I was going to reference acrobatic drinking and not plug it in full here did you?! In my never-ending quest to perfect a TikTok dance, I had the genius idea to learn the choreography from It’s Gonna Be Me and drop it in all y’all’s faces today, May 1st. Because I’m me, I watched it once or twice and was like I CAN DO THAT, especially because I know I’ve tried to learn it before back in the Darryn’s Dance Grooves days. To be generous, I gave myself a full week to learn it. I started practicing on a Wednesday. I watched several different TikToks and decided I needed more of a breakdown so I turned to Youtube for a slower tutorial. In a half hour, I learned the first two moves, which literally cover “Every little thing I do” in the chorus. That’s about 3 seconds of dancing. I immediately quit. I’ve never felt so defeated in my life. Arms and legs are NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS AT THE SAME TIME. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?! Then last night I showed my sister the Bye, Bye, Bye dance, pointing out that we for sure did that at every wedding we’ve attended and it shouldn’t be a problem to learn. Once again we pulled up a Youtube tutorial from Lance Bass himself, as he noted that he was a TERRIBLE dancer. We spent another half hour trying to nail down the right, left, right, right footwork in the beginning. Then we tried following the Tiktok instead since that’s how we learned our first dance. No matter what we did, we both stumbled and looked like it was our first day stepping out of a wheelchair we’ve sat in for months and we were learning how to walk again. WHY do I tell you all of this in detail? Is it to humiliate myself? Maybe. OR POSSIBLY it’s to show you the DEDICATION I HAVE TO BECOMING A DANCER WHEN I DON’T HAVE A DANCER’S BODY. I’VE BEEN CURSED WITH THE LOVE TO DANCE AND THE LACK OF RHYTHM. Obviously, we gave up and decided to move our focus to something we’re better at. Drinking.

Someone commented that it should’ve been set to the Titanic song and he wasn’t wrong. Huge missed opportunity but he also doesn’t know the blood, sweat and tears that went into It’s Gonna Be Me. I will never give up. I’ll learn a dance even if it kills me. And if you’re like woooooow these two are talented as hell, here’s a little reality check to knock us down a peg or two.

HAPPY MONTH OF ME TO ALL OF YOU!!!

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/23/15

1. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Sing.

It has been announced that Friday Night Lights will go the musical way much like The OC and Cruel Intentions AND Scott Porter will play Coach Taylor. No. Thank. You. Look, FNL is the stuff. It’s the greatest show ever made and Coach Taylor is the best football coach in the world. WE DON’T NEED TO SING ABOUT IT. I have a low tolerance for breaking into song mid-sentence and I’m not seeing how a show that featured roughly 2 songs the entire series could ever make song and dance believable in the story line. ALSO Kyle Chandler is Coach Taylor and Coach Taylor is Kyle Chandler. No one else should ever utter that famous phrase, regardless of if they’re a Dillon insider or not.

2. Grease Live first peek.

I realize the contradiction of shitting all over a musical above and then hyping this one but Grease is a STAPLE. How else are girls going to learn that wearing leather pants and red lipstick while smoking a ciggy will ALWAYS get you yo man? Anyway, the cast looks gr8. I mean Julianne Hough is pretty much perfect for Sandy. Even Vanessa Hudgens surprised me as Rizzo. There’s a strong possibility that I watch this to see how it plays out chemistry-wise. Here they are hand jivin it up to get you on board.

3. Magic Mike Wedding.

Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello got hitched last weekend and in a surprising move, Sofia posted all wedding photos on her personal Instagram. Boss move by her to be like hey it’s my wedding and I’ll do what I damn please with the pics. She obviously looked bangin body-wise but I’m not fully understanding the concept of the wings on each side of her dress. Anyway, I can only assume that there was PLENTY of stripping between her hubs and Channing and I’ll just let that fantasy play out in my mind a little further if you’ll excuse me.

 

4. Little Saylor Girl.

SAYLOR. JAMES. KRISTIN’S NOT EVEN REAL HOLLYWOOD AND SHE JUST DROPPED THAT HOLLYWOOD NAME. Don’t worry Bristol Palin also called dibs on it and needed to make it clear that she picked it first and isn’t a total poser. K, Bristol. Thanks so much.

 

5. Hello…

Because you can’t go five minutes without hearing Adele and also because my family made it a new tradition yesterday to just keep whispering Hello….over and over again. Here’s the British powerhouse with her classroom toys version on Jimmy Fallon.

BONUS: TIS THE SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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