JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/24/20

juice header

 

1. BeeeeeBeeeeee’s. 

 

View this post on Instagram

Welcome to the world, Daisy Dove Bloom! We are honoured to introduce Goodwill Ambassadors @KatyPerry and @OrlandoBloom’s new bundle of joy.⠀ ⠀ “We are floating with love and wonder from the safe and healthy arrival of our daughter,” Katy and Orlando told us.⠀ ⠀ “But we know we’re the lucky ones and not everyone can have a birthing experience as peaceful as ours was. Communities around the world are still experiencing a shortage of healthcare workers and every eleven seconds a pregnant woman or newborn dies, mostly from preventable causes. Since COVID-19 many more newborn lives are at risk because of the increased lack of access to water, soap, vaccines and medicines that prevent diseases. As parents to a newborn, this breaks our hearts, as we empathize with struggling parents now more than ever.⠀ ⠀ “As UNICEF Goodwill Ambassadors, we know UNICEF is there, on the ground, doing whatever it takes to make sure every expecting mother has access to a trained health worker and access to quality healthcare. In celebration of the heart we know our daughter already has, we have set up a donation page to celebrate DDB’s arrival. By supporting them, you are supporting a safe start to life and reimagining a healthier world for every child. We hope your ♥️ can bloom with generosity.⠀ ⠀ Gratefully-⠀ ⠀ Katy & Orlando.”⠀ ⠀ Please tap the link in our bio to support the most precious gift: a healthy child.

A post shared by UNICEF (@unicef) on

 

View this post on Instagram

ForEver grateful for this true blessing💙

A post shared by Lea Michele (@leamichele) on

A LOT of baby-related news this week. Like my ovaries are rusting from within and it’s just baby city up in Hollywood. At least it’s proof that some couples still like each other  so that’s always good! I also must give credit where it’s due, my bestie has the ultimate scoop edge by living on the west coast and therefore getting breaking news while I’m fast asleep. I woke up Thursday morning to texts from her scooping me on Katy’s birth and updating me on Lea’s child’s name. Proud of her for taking advantage of the time difference. Scoop never sleeps. Katy and Orlando AND Lea and Zandy (eye roll) jumped RIGHT on that current celebrity baby announcement trend of black and white hands/feet grasping. I’m so over this. 0 points for originality. Someone needs to shake this up FAST. If the only news we’re going to have each week is a divorce or a baby, we need a little creativity with the announcements OR WE RIOT. Now onto the names. Daisy Dove is exactly what I would’ve expected from Katy. Double D’s. Just kidding. I don’t hate it but I’m not in love with it either. I’m comfortably indifferent. First time for everything. And as for Lea…Ever is stupid. I’m sorry but that’s not a name that’s a declaration. OUT on Ever. NOW…. onto the real rant.

 

I’ve got a bone to pick with Brie here. Obviously they’re going for the B theme. Brie, Bryan, Birdie, Buddy. That’s obnoxious as hell but whatever, I get some families are real into that. The real issue here is this little bud’s middle name. It is DESSERT. HOWEVER she clarifies in the above post it’s pronounced DESERT. THESE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORDS WITH COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PRONUNCIATIONS AND COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MEANINGS. WHY WOULD YOU GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE THIS 100000X MORE CONFUSING?! MAKE THE NAME DESERT IF THAT’S WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO CALL IT. ESPECIALLY because you’re naming him AFTER an actual name. Was your nana’s maiden name DESSERT pronounced DESERT? If so, your ancestors are morons. I am FIRED all the way up about the stupidity here. You know how often kids confuse Desert and Dessert? A WHOLE LOT. You’re now PART OF THE PROBLEM. Ugh ok. I’m done. Obviously you knew once they announced twin pregnancies that this whole process was going to be People cover story material so I’m glad they didn’t make us wait too long for the unveiling. Nope, I lied. I’m not done. I read the article in People mag and I got annoyed again. First of all, they’re already nicknaming Matteo (God’s gift) to Teo, so whatever that’s fine, I didn’t expect them to really be calling their baby Matteo like he’s an astronomer from the 1500’s. But Brie’s daughter Birdie AKA Bir Bir has nicknamed her little brother Bud Bud. BIR BIR AND BUD BUD. Goodbye.

 

View this post on Instagram

Hi I’m Buddy 💙

A post shared by Brie Bella (@thebriebella) on

 

 

 

View this post on Instagram

My life is so complete 🥰 @theartemc @people

A post shared by Nikki Bella (@thenikkibella) on

I’m back. THE BELLA BOYYYYZZZZZZZ! Matteo and Buddy!!!!! What’s hilarious to me is that they’re all about twinning and doing everything together and yet TMZ reported that Nikki put her house that she built and decorated for herself (pre-Artem convincing her to marry him and knocking her up) directly next door to Brie on the market. So that was a solid 9 months of being neighbors. Next season of Total Bella’s would be much more entertaining with them living in each other’s buttholes with their newborn cousin twins. I’m not a producer…but I should be. Don’t move, Nikki. Learn how to spell Desert, Brie. TYSM to all. Love ya suh much.

2. BeeeeeBeeee BUMP.

 

View this post on Instagram

growin an angel 🙂

A post shared by Gigi Hadid (@gigihadid) on

 

View this post on Instagram

7.26.20 🕊

A post shared by Gigi Hadid (@gigihadid) on

 

At first Gigi was like I’m not posting about my pregnancy because there are more important things going on in the world and I want the focus to be on that. And then she apparently was like eh F it, this photoshoot is too good not to share. It is a pretty classy collection of bump photos. It’s not over the top with nudes but tasteful black and white silhouettes. Plus she’s an actual supermodel so I don’t really know if she can take a bad picture. Doesn’t detract from the fact that I feel like she’s a literal infant herself and this is 1000% an oops baby but at least it’s going to be a Vogue oops.

3. Aunt Becky Goes to “Jail.”

becky

Alright enough baby talk, let’s switch it over to the slammer. It was announced LAST Friday when I was thoroughly enjoying a Girl’s Day full of poolside cheese balls and adult bevvy’s that Lori and her hubs were “sentenced.” I use the term loosely because this has been a several year long process and has been built up so dramatically over time that we all knew there was only one outcome to this scenario, and obviously it’s the outcome that every rich person gets. A short stint in a cushy Hollywood jail that they will 1000% not complete. Lori got 2 months, her husband got 5. The chances that either of these turds serve those full sentences are SLIM. There was a headline about Lori being nervous about serving time amidst corona virus, as if she’d be put in a county jail swarming with people spitting on her or something. Listen, if Jeffrey Epstein was quite literally raping middle school students in Florida and running a pedo “massage” ring out of his mansion and got to leave jail to take his PJ out and about whenever he pleased on “work release”, I can guaranTEEE you that Aunt Becky won’t go to prison for paying her kids into college. That’s just not how the system works. They make a big F’ing deal out of this whole case and promise the judge is going to throw the book at them and I called bullshit from the start. No one will EVER make an example of a rich and famous person. Felicity served a month, Lori will serve a week or two and that’ll be all she wrote for the GREAT college scandal of H’wood. Honestly her getting cut from the never-ending Full House franchise probably hurts worse than a “jail” sentence. HAVE MERCY!

4. We Are All Old.

 

Cause Kevin McAllister told us we are. Seriously, Home Alone was made before I was even born, so don’t be tellin me I’M OLD OK KEVVVIIIIIINNNNNNN?!

Screen Shot 2020-08-28 at 10.47.59 AM

Oh jk, jk, he’s just doing his job. Everyone, relax. I love the fact that Macaulay recognizes that Home Alone was his defining career moment and that’s all we want to hear about from him and embraces it full-force. Also to relate it back to myself as I’m best known for doing, in Home Alone 2 (the superior Home Alone) when Kevin says “I’m 10 years old. TV is my life,” I’ve never related to a statement more except that it applied when I was 10 and also present day. I can honestly say that I’m 29 years old and I’ve watched so much TV in the past week that I have a literal back ache from how I was propped up on my bed/the couch. It all started last weekend when E aired every episode of Sex and the City followed by both movies. They called it something dumb like Sex all weekend or whatever and YES I ATE THAT SHIT UP. Even got my mom in on it as we pondered Aidan vs. Big and I scolded my mom for not remembering Berger who BROKE UP WITH CARRIE VIA POST IT NOTE. And when you start your week watching middle aged women talk about sex in Abu Dhabi, there’s really no rock bottom. So I binged my Housewives (#TeamBrandi, Denise is a cease and desist turd sandwich) and I tried Black Monday (not for me, sorry), watched all of High Fidelity on Hulu (100% must watch for Cherise who is a boss and might be one of my fave TV characters of all time. Wish she had more screen time.) I even went backward in time and saw Bridget Jones’s Diary for the first time–I allowed my curiosity for why this was such a phenomenon to outweigh my hate for Renee Zellweger. The movie stinks and I have no idea why they were compelled to make 3 of them or what was cutting edge about a thirty year old woman who drinks and smokes a lot (see: SATC series AND movies.) I discovered that my favorite Sophie Kinsella book Can You Keep A Secret was made into a low budget film that I assume was straight to streaming with Alexandra Daddario and Tyler Hoechlin. Also recommend for anyone who loves an awkward as hell rom com. And I even went so far as to sign up for a free trial of HBO (setting a reminder to cancel before they charged me an outrageous $15) so I could finally get my peepers on I’ll Be Gone in the Dark and subsequently ask my mom to close the door of the bedroom next to me so I can be sure the Golden State Killer wasn’t hiding in there waiting to rape and kill me. Good news, he was finally sentenced this week so we’re all safe from HIM but once you hear a phone call with heavy breathing and “I’ll kill you bitch”, there’s really no reassuring your fears. I also took it upon myself to rewatch Crash from 2005 with my free trial week. Turns out, a movie about racism and anger still holds up today… AND THAT WAS ALL IN ONE WEEK, FOLKS! YA THINK I NEED A JOB OR SOMETHING?! I mean, I just turned Mac’s birthday into a rant about how much television I consumed this week. If that’s not a talent, I don’t know what is. Felt like I needed to get that off of my chest. Plz feel free to DM me for more in depth reviews/rec’s of all of my consumption. Also, to bring it back to Mac…here’s Brenda Song’s loving bday tribute to him. I was literally shocked to be reminded that these two are dating. Seems like things are going swell though.

 

PS almost forgot to include that I watched this masterpiece last Friday and go right ahead and put it in the cheesy dance movie top 10 because WOOO what a masterpiece. Despite the fact that the lead character leaves frizzy hair in two solid chunks in her face for the whole movie and refuses to wear anything other than baggy khakis and chunky sneaks like she’s Working Girl and not a high school student in 2020.

 

5. MUSIC TIME!

Here’s the portion of the show where I don’t have enough headlines to yap about this week (or last…I double dipped) so I throw up some songs and youtube videos that brought me joy.

 

The Barden Bella’s came back to sing one of my all-time favorite Beyonce songs. Of course, I use the term sing suuuuuuuuuper loosely because all of them are 9000% lip syncing but whatever it’s all in good fun. Close your eyes and groove it out. Bonus points to Brittany Snow for working in a fan for Beyonce hair.

 

I’ve always loved Jaaaayyyyy-SuuuNNnnn DeRUUUUUUllloooooooo and this song is fun and the video has a whole lot to look at. But in a good way. Not in a WAP way.

Also, check out this 10 year old drummer who is cooler than I will EVER be.

 

BONUS: After a hiatus from the world of youths and never understanding what it is they’re looking for in snappy 50 second videos, I made my triumphant return to the Tok and have been posting whatever the hell I feel like posting and then watching in awe as the shortest & least funny video takes off in views and likes. Apparently there’s a real treasure trove of One Tree Hill fans living in TikTok world. Who knew.

 

 

@thesaltyju

When your #folklore CD comes a month after you ordered it with star confetti and NOT a personal cardigan from Taylor Swift herself. 🙄 ✌🏽

♬ exile – Taylor Swift

 

 

@thesaltyju

#Dance like nobody is watching. Or like your dad is doing an FB Live show and you want to show off your fresh moves while he tunes his guitar #sytycd

♬ Nominate – Stonebwoy

 

 

 

Standard
Music, Playlist

Best Fictional Hits Playlist

I had one of those days where I realized how many songs I have in my iTunes that are actually fake bands from TV shows or movies and I decided to throw them together into a playlist because why not? (take a crazy chance, do a crazy dance) Anyway you’re either going to think this is super weird or you’re gonna love it…it’s a random selection of fictional songs that would’ve soared the Billboard Charts had they been sung by real life musicians.

1. What Dreams Are Made Of- Lizzie McGuire, The Lizzie McGuire Movie

Always start a playlist with a bang. That’s my motto. Lizzie was just a normal awkward middle school girl but suddenly on her chaperoned trip to Rome she was mistaken for an Italian pop star and got to perform in the Coliseum. Ho hum, no biggie. Not only is this song fire flames, but this performance was magnetic. Therefore it will be one of the only videos I attach to this list because in order to say Buona Sera to my American friend Lizzie Mcguire, you need the visual aide of a skirt turning into a metallic jumpsuit with belly button cutout and technicolor lights. SING TO ME, PAOLO! (Please read in shitty Italian accent)

2. Zach’s Song- School of Rock, School of Rock

What do you get when you put together a chubby Asian, rebel with spiked hair and a quiet nerd? The keyboardist, drummer and guitarist/singer for the coolest band in the world, duh. You don’t like good music if you don’t think this song melts faces. Also Freddy, if you’re still a bad boy drummer with an attitude, CALL ME!

freddy

3. Stephanie- Tommy Page, Full House

Did I really need to force everyone to listen to Stephanie Tanner shriek Tommy Page at the top of her lungs before the song even starts? No, but I’ve had this bootleg version for so long that I think her pre-teen screech has become a staple in this beautiful melody. If my dad ever got a teen heartthrob to serenade me at my 13th birthday party I think I would melt into a puddle of awkward and not know what to do with my hands. Stephanie handles much better, by falling in love with Tommy who probably shouldn’t be singing to a teenager that she means everything to him. Also the kiss on the lips could’ve been a little misleading. Yikes, creep.

steph

4. Halo- Haley James Scott, One Tree Hill

Obviously there’s no way I would make a fake pop star playlist and not include my little tutor girl turned rocker, Hales. This is easily her best song and also the one that caused the least conflict with hubs Nathan, so win, win all around.

5. That Thing You Do- The Wonders, That Thing You Do

Hey remember this movie with Liv Tyler as a 60’s smoke with perfect eyeliner all the time? Anyway…this song is awesome and even though The Wonders (formerly Oneders) had to disband due to their lead singer being a dick, this one hit wonder (see what I did there, ha-ha) will forever live on.

shades

6. Supernova Girl- Proto Zoa, Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century

Seems pretty awkz to go from a movie with Tom Hanks in it to a song about outer space from a Disney movie, right? I like to keep you on the edge of your seat, obviously. Zetus Lupetus this song is stupid AF but SO catchy. I mean seriously, Proto Zoa had silver spiked hair and obviously had a way with words MAJOR.

protozoa

7. Friends Forever- Zack Attack, Saved By The Bell

Ah, back in the days when Zack and his Bayside buddies would dream about making it big and having Casey Kasem (RIP) narrate their climb to fame. Fortunately for all Zack Attack fans, Zack didn’t start banging their manager and turn into a superdouche to go solo and wear hammer pants. Instead the gang stayed Friends Forever and sang about it. And by sang about it I mean the show hired a bunch of mature adults to sing it and then tried to pass it off like these 16 year olds sounded like that.

Zack_Attack zack

8. 3 Small Words- Josie & the Pussycats, Josie & The Pussycats

Confession: I don’t even think I ever saw this movie but you bet your bottom dollar I downloaded this song from Limewire and slapped it on a mix CD to listen to in my walkman. I memorized these lyrics like nobody’s biz and I’m 99% sure it was because I was not allowed to see the movie and didn’t want to have FOMO when all my friends talked about it so I learned the song to have something to contribute to the convo. Anyway, GIRLS RULE.

9. 5000 Candles in the Wind- Mouse Rat, Parks & Recreation

I’m late to the party and just now rolling through all the episodes of Parks & Rec but even as a fresh fan it seemed wrong to make a playlist without a tribute to Lil Sebastian. RIP in horsey heaven. Also Leslie told Andy to make Candle In the Wind but 5000x better and he NAILED it.

ronswanson lil sebastian

10. Now Or Never-Troy Bolton (& Fellow Wildcats), High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Listen, with three High School Musical movies it was pretty tough to narrow it down to just one song. Obviously Breaking Free was the one that started it all but it’s slow and it just didn’t feel right. High School Musical 2 doesn’t count because it SUUUUUCKKKED so that left senior year, their big theater debut to choose from. Again, so many jams so little time. I chose this one because it has everything that High School Musical embodies all in one song. The love between Gabriella and Troy (check), the overemphasis on a non-ranking varsity basketball team (check), Troy battling his passion for sports AND singing at an inconvenient time (check) and finally everyone in the school joining in uninvited (check). Plus it gets you pumped up to win the big game or sing your heart out or whatever.

troy

11. Killer Tofu- The Beets, Doug

What I really wanted to do was include Doug’s quick foray into singing on this playlist but how I remembered the song “Bangin on a trashcan” was WAY better than what it actually sounded like. I think Beebe did backup vocals or something and it RUINED the song. Plus Skeeter didn’t honk, honk in it. Lame. This one is a gr8 tune from Doug’s fave band The Beets. I’m shocked they don’t cycle this on classic rock stations. OH-EE-OHHH KILLER TOFUUUUUU.

“I eat my sugar cereal but it makes my teeth bacterial”- THIS IS GENIUS SONGWRITING.

dougbanjo thebeets

12. Ultimate- Pink Slip, Freaky Friday

I’m not at all embarrassed to admit that I purchased a hard copy of this movie’s soundtrack and also was inspired to learn guitar so that I could start a rock band and win over a guy who looked like Chad Michael Murray. I played the song this band played at Wango Tango in the movie to my dad and told him to teach it to me. He taught me Jingle Bells first and I quit guitar lessons a week later. Pipe dreams, ya know? Anyway, Linds rockin an electric guitar at her mom’s wedding was SO RAD.

pinkslip

13. Cinderella- The Cheetah Girls, The Cheetah Girls

Ideally “Cheetah Sisters” would be on this playlist but it’s actually a real snooze of a song for like the first minute and no one is gonna sit around for that. This song is actually good, so you’re welcome, everyone’s ears. The Cheetah girls introduced me to stupid handshakes, excessive animals prints, and the fact that names like Galleria, Aqua and Dorinda even existed. #Culture. Thanks Disney Channel. 3LW obviously carried the group and I’m grateful they demoted their careers for this flick. Plus they gave me a reason to still regularly say “We’re Cheetah Girls, Cheetah Sisters” every time someone else wears a cheetah print on the same day as me. (It happens more often than you would think.)

cheetah

14. Forever- Jesse & The Rippers, Full House

YAASSSSS. SING IT TO ME, UNCLE J. This song is probably the best song to ever come out of a TV show…it was also #1 in Japan, domo very much. Jesse & The Rippers were the shit and I could’ve put any of their songs on this mix but this one deserves it the most because it was written for Becky and it’s adorbz. Relationship goals. Plus it has an actual music video featuring a very shirtless Jesse. Lick.

jesseforever 

15. Bella’s Finals- Barden Bellas, Pitch Perfect

Since I tortured you with some real weird 90’s and Disney songs on this playlist, we shall end the same way we started…with fire flames. The Barden Bellas are the badass bitches of the accapella world and this mashup they did to win the finals should win all the awards ever. It’s also a really great drinking song.

Standard