JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/26/2020

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1. This Turned Around.

After months of releasing short sneak peeks with the basically 1 day of footage in the can before Corona hit, the Saved by the Bell reboot must’ve finally been able to film enough for a full trailer. My sister and I (avid SBTB stans and judgmental AF) fired it up for a joint viewing and we were READY to barf all over their attempts at preserving a childhood classic. But then we…insert gasp here….LAUGHED and ENJOYED this trailer. From the sassy student questioning AC Slater’s once cool but incredibly impractical backwards chair sit right into a bunch of grown up high school friends reviving their band for a rousing rendition of “Friends Forver.” My sister and I were RIVETED. Well done, Peacock, you sure know how to swindle a couple of idiots into watching a show that probably won’t be good at all but WE’RE ALL IN. And not to be forgotten–Lark Voorhies AKA Lisa Turtle who if you might recall had a completely different face about 5 years ago and was suuuupes scary lookin’ has also confirmed her return via this official photo. She’s looking GREAT but unfortunately in the same article People.com pointed out that she was not originally included in the reboot and then went on Dr. Oz and wah-wah’ed about not being included and now here we are. She has a pity invite. It’s like Gilmore Girls cutting out Sookie all over again. Nothing more embarrassing than admitting publicly that you weren’t invited back (especially when you’re in the company of Dustin Diamond…yiiiikes) and then getting the late ask. Can’t wait to see how they rope her in from her fashion job in NYC for about five minutes.

2. Wait, what?

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@blakeshelton yes please! 💍🙏🏻 gx

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No joke I thought this happened roughly 3 years ago. I genuinely wondered if they had gotten married yet or if they were just going to stay engaged forever because they’ve both been divorced. So when I saw this news my first thought was AGAIN?! And then I realized they were never engaged and I just thought they were because they live inside each other’s BHOLES doing The Voice together and basically every song they release is a duet now about how much they love each other and living in the country and whatever. SO yeah, Congrats to the happy couple, your relationship has been shoved down our throats for so long that you managed to surprise me by JUST getting engaged. I assume we will all be a part of the ceremony as well. Also, I just read that the proposal was a surprise and for that I cannot be on board. If I thought you were already engaged and I’m in Syracuse, NY and I’ve never met you two, then MAYBE SOMEONE IN THE ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP MIGHT PREDICT A PROPOSAL IN THE FUTURE. Sorry. I got heated. I just think that’s dumb to be shocked by something that everyone else already thought happened. Ok bye.

3. Kim is 40 Now, But Still An A-Hole.

Kimmy K turned 40 and ruffled A LIIIIIIITTLE (ok A LOT) of feathers with the above self serving AF post. Could she have flown her “closest inner circle” (hundreds of people) to a private island and celebrated and kept that moment to herself without splashing it all over IG? Yeah, definitely considering no one knew they did it to begin with. But nope, ya girl Kim needed to share that news (and 900 full-glam photos) with the world…and not just any ole world, a world that is in flames as people have financial troubles and ravaging sickness. Nobody was pleased with this information. In fact, my favorite reply that I saw was “I’m really happy for you. My dad died and we couldn’t have a funeral.” BOOM. ZING. ZAP. Nothing gets more tone deaf than this post. I lied. It’s 10000000x more tone deaf to think you’re being self aware and acknowledge that it’s a hard time for everyone but you’re PRIVILEGED. Hey everyone, I know your life probably sucks right now but I’m privileged so I got to rent out an island and fly everyone out for my 40th birthday celebration. THIS IS 40! LOLOLOLOLOL. I thought we were done with Kardashian faux-pas for the week and then Kim’s like not yet, y’all!! She then shares this very personal birthday gift that she received from Kanye.

If you watched that without cringing your face off then I don’t want to know you as a human being. This is a hologram most likely created from home videos…and everything that Robert is saying was written by Kim’s husband. How do we know that? Oh because Robert tells Kim “You married the most most most most genius man in the whole world.” WHAT PLANET ARE WE ON?! I wanted to ask how Kim hears that and doesn’t wonder for a second why her husband just made a gift from her dead dad about HIMSELF and then I remembered that Kim was filming this to share on social media and you know what? Those two really are perfect for each other. Kimberly and Kanye 4eva. The most most most most self absorbed couple on this earth. (PS once KUWTK goes off the air, do we think this family will learn to have a private personal moment, or will the show continue through their social media platforms? Get back to me on that.)

4. Bye, Bitch.

Timing lined up nicely for The Vow to finish and Keith to be sentenced like a week later. If you didn’t read my Doc O’Clock blog, you missed out on me slobbering over The Vow–a docuseries about Nxivm, the cult that originated in the mecca that is Clifton Park, NY. Though I still recommend it as a must-watch, I do so less enthusiastically after the last half of the series DRAAAGGGEDD and then they tossed in a little cliffhanger of an interview in prison with Keith at the end to get viewers to tune into season 2. I will tune in, but I’ll be annoyed about it. They fell into the common doc trap of making something twice as long as it needs to be and repeating the same info over and over again. On the other hand, I feel like they did a great job of making me hate Keith Raniere and being in complete awe of the fact that this schlub who forces people to watch him play volleyball every night was revered by ANYONE. So I was ecstatic to hear that he got 120 years in prison this week. BYE BYE YA CREEPAZOID. Hope you find a lot of mouths to kiss in prison and they let you start up a prison volleyball league: sweatband mandatory. And not for nothing, but how could one single soul watch Keith preach to a group of men that all males are “hungry fucking beasties” about sex and not immediately believe he belongs in the slammer. The writing was on the wall with that one. GOOD RIDDANCE, VANGUARD.

5. Sad Face.

Since I posted Chrissy’s heartbreaking insta from losing Jack, I also want to post her blog that she put out there this week as her first time speaking about everything. Mostly because I razz on Chrissy A LOT for being annoying on social media, but what I’ve learned is that she’s actually a phenomenal writer and she’s had to go through this publicly and has managed to put all of these emotions and experiences into words to comfort other people who can’t. And that’s something I admire, because I may be a writer but I write outrageous things to try and get people to laugh, I don’t often go deep. I feel like that’s a pretty boss skill to have. So anyway, don’t read her blog unless you want to cry. I also LOVE that she put naysayers in their place by saying she does not care at all what they think. I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through something horrible publicly and then have people chime in hate on top of that. So good for her. Suck it, losers. (See what I mean about not being able to write like a mature adult?)

BONUS: I’ve recently spouted off about how much I hate that politics finds its way into every facet of life this year and how triggered everyone is and how much it makes me want to rip my hair out…HOWEVER, politics completely aside, red, blue, purple, liberal, conservative, tea party, THIS IS THE MOST PREPOSTEROUS PHOTO I’VE EVER LAID EYES ON and I beg you to look at this photo just as it is, with no implications and allow yourself to laugh hysterically.

Weezy F Baby with a turtleneck layered under a knit sweater, tossing us a TOTAL DAD pose of the thumbs up. I will laugh at this for the rest of eternity. TYSM.

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Movies, Pop Culture, Television

Doc O’Clock

I’ve noticed that I’ve been really watching a buttload of documentaries in “quarantine”—I put it in quotes because I’m pretty sure the rest of the world is no longer quarantined but fun fact: when you’re unemployed, quarantine never ends. I’ve always loved a good true crime doc so I can pretend that my several years of watching cop shows and one semester of a Forensics class have qualified me to solve crimes. Typically immediately after I watch a true crime doc, I speak to everyone I know and even some people that I don’t about the details of this horrific crime sometimes even becoming a truther attempting to exonerate murderers who have been sentenced and are currently sitting in jail like I’m Kim Kardashian or something. (See: Stephen Avery & Scott Peterson) HOWEVER, I found myself really reaching beyond the typical true crime doc these past few months and expanding my doc horizons. And all of this consumption has compelled me to yap my face off about the things that I’ve found and now believe I’m an expert on. If you would like doc recommendations, or just want to feel exponentially smarter from watching hours and hours of TV like I do, feel free to browse the below list of documentaries that I’ve consumed over the past 6 months. And if I might add an overall comment, incorporating actual text messages into many of these docs has really added a whole new layer of invasiveness and enhances my incredibly nosy viewing experience tenfold. BRAVA.

I’ll Be Gone in the Dark – HBO

I was overly-hyped for this. I had heard through Twitterland that this doc focused on Michelle McNamara, a crime writer married to comedian Patton Oswalt, who invested her time focusing on the Golden State Killer and cracked the case on her own. I love Hollywood and I love murders so this seemed like a real match made in heaven. Unfortunately, that was quite a Twitter exaggeration. Michelle was writing a book entitled “I’ll Be Gone in the Dark” about the Golden State Killer and was getting access to the case documents and immersing herself in all of the evidence and details of his murders in the 80’s but there were a lot of other people doing the same thing she was doing as well. Most of the victims, people from the town, law enforcement and others had formed groups and were determined to solve this open case. Tragically, Michelle died before finishing the book or seeing the arrest of the Golden State Killer. The doc is through the lens of Michelle’s work and includes a lot of victim personal accounts. Due to the fact that they did not find the killer until recently and the crimes took place 30+ years ago, there wasn’t a lot to offer by way of video evidence or footage so there was a lot of reenactment, which I have a hard time taking seriously. What I did take seriously was the one recorded phone call they had of the GSK saying “I’ll kill you bitch” which they chose to play 900000 times and I chose to crap my pants each time it was played. As someone who was not familiar with the Golden State Killer, I found the details about his crimes very interesting, especially because he was so prolific for many years, breaking into people’s homes at night, raping and killing. So basically every fear of mine come to life whenever I’m home alone. Even though I found it interesting, I did start to get a little bored after the third episode and therefore this wasn’t an overwhelming home run for me in the doc department. Adding in Michelle’s tragic story created another interesting layer, but I feel like it could’ve been wrapped up a little neater. Also by interesting I mean kind of horrifying because she was terrified and had stopped sleeping because of how much she had immersed herself in this case. And she didn’t even get to see this scumbucket finally get caught. And not for nothing, but how OUTRAGEOUS is it when serial killers have a family and everyone’s like yeah we had no clue dad/my husband/Uncle Joe was raping and murdering 5 nights a week. WUT?!

The Vow – HBO

I cannot stress enough how obsessed I am with this story and documentary. For those looking for a quick and dirty doc, this is not it as it’s episodic and each episode is an hour long. They release a new one each week, so if you’d rather binge I suggest waiting until they’re all up—right now there are 7 episodes out there. This series follows the cult NXIVM, which holds a special place in many of our hearts as it was a hometown cult. Started by Keith Raniere in Clifton Park, NY, anyone from the Cap Region might have heard about this through the years or might even know someone who was involved. As a Saratoga Resident for 10ish years, I gleefully outbursted when Keith described Clifton Park as the “Rome of the modern day” and texted my old co-workers when our radio station banners were hung in the gym where Vanguard invites everyone to watch him play volleyball every night. I even got excited when I saw the Dalai Lama visit The Palace Theatre. So I would say it’s especially a must-watch for people who live in that area because they have TONS of video footage from the former cult members who are the main focus of this doc, plus it’s not often that HBO shines a spotlight on dear old CP also referred to as Albany almost exclusively throughout the series even though they are completely different cities. But anyway, let’s get to the real meat here which is that NXIVM started as self-help classes and preyed on people who were kind of lost in their career or life path and told them to sign up for a couple thousand dollar course and start working the stripe path to get different colored sashes and eventually have the opportunity to bone Keith Raniere, one of the schlubbiest looking men alive. Let me be clear, this is not coming from a judgmental place. Well, the sex with Keith part is. But falling for this cult thing is not and mostly because I know for a fact I would’ve fallen for this. I, too, am a wayward soul looking for happiness. And if someone approached me and was like I know how to guarantee you’ll be happy again, I’d be like yeah bitch let’s do this. Unfortunately once I attended my first volleyball game where Keith is wearing a sweatband in his long grey hair and being treated like a sex symbol, mouth kissing everyone’s faces off I’d be swiftly out. But that’s just me. The details of this cult are not only baffling, but the fact that it went on for 20+ years before law enforcement was involved is nuts beyond belief. Since I’ve already babbled on too long and I could probably talk forever about my fascination with NXIVM, I’ll just say watch it and get back to me. I mean, literally I brought this shit up in therapy and my therapist had to tell me 3-4 times that she’s not an expert on this cult before I finally gave it up. SO JUST WATCH IT, OK?!

The Social Dilemma – Netflix

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This doc interviews executives in some of the largest internet and social media companies and brings to light just HOW MUCH the internet was created to stalk our lives. It’s an eye opening experience for all generations because as much as adults want to say they’re too old for social media, look no further than Facebook to see the olds POPPIN OFF on the daily. So it really applies to all ages here. There are astonishing facts about how the rate of suicide and mental health issues in middle school age children skyrocketed after the invention of social media. There’s explanations as to how people who wrote the actual algorithms to keep you hooked online fall for the same pitfalls we do even though they created it. So basically this is the doc for anyone whose ever had a conversation about getting a new vacuum cleaner and then the next time they open Facebook or Google, there’s ads for vacuum cleaners. It’s crazy and invasive and yet I will never ever ever give up social media and you can’t MAKE ME. But seriously, lots of interesting stuff and then a little bit of “the internet is going to ruin the world” vibes as well. Take that with a grain of salt. It seems like the world is crashing and burning all on its own with minimal interference from the internet but whatevs. 

This is Paris – YouTube

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Yes that’s right I’ll even stoop to Youtube if it means getting to pull the curtain back on an infamous celeb. Although I really wanted this to be about Paris’ lavish upbringing and how she came to basically create reality TV and the “famous for nothing” crew (lookin at you, Kimmy K)…what it was really about was much darker than that. When Paris was in her teen years she was sent to a bunch of different behavioral correction schools, escaping them all and finally ending up in one out in Utah where she and the other “students” were mentally, physically & sexually abused. And Paris never even told her parents this until recently, just burying the trauma until she decided to seek justice and reunite with old classmates through this doc. Overall I’d say it was interesting to see a lot of public things that Paris did through the new perspective knowing that she was abused for several years when she was forming her identity. She admits that most of her relationships have been abusive, even showing paparazzi photos where she has bruises all over her body. Obviously she touches on the sex tape and how she was coerced into it by her first real boyfriend who she was trying to impress. And probably the most interesting tidbit of them all, Paris is Keyser Soze. She’s secretly brilliant and has been putting on this dum dum “That’s Hot” act ever since the early 2000’s. In her child slavery schools she was forced to clean so acting like she didn’t know what a sponge was in “The Simple Life” was pure acting talent. Her normal voice octave isn’t breathy and moronic. Bitch has been playing the media for decades and has made billions off of it. Watching this unfold throughout the documentary leading up to the point when one of her former fellow students pointed out that she was a physics brainiac in school was the moment when Keyser Soze loses the limp at the end of the movie (spoiler alert). Glass shattered. Paris is smarter than us all. Also, hands down best scene of the whole thing is when Paris is DJ’ing Tomorrowland, the biggest festival she’s ever played, and her drunk insecure boyf picks a fight with her minutes before she’s supposed to go on and she loses it on him and gets him bounced from the entire festival. If you don’t immediately want to start cheering for her in that moment, you’re not human. The director said she wanted it cut out and I’m glad it didn’t get cut because that was PURE entertainment and suuuuch a SAVAGE Paris moment. 

American Murder – Netflix

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Nobody loves a deep dive into a murder more than me, but this one just hit different. I felt very icky after watching it and it took me several moments to craft a tweet to sum up why. What it really came down to for me was the fact that not only was this a very recent murder so I was involved in the story from when it broke and not just learning about it through this doc, but it was a murder of 2 children and a pregnant wife. I feel like I can’t remember any other murder that I’ve read/heard about that includes children. And not only that, but this documentary included LOTS of footage of the children and the wife. It turns out Shanann (a name I will NEVER be able to pronounce, it’s Shannon or bust) fancied herself somewhat of an internet influencer. They had an overwhelming amount of videos from her Facebook page just updating her “followers” on her kids and her husband and things she was going through, some of them were very personal about her health or serving as inspirational messages for people who might be watching. She seemed to be the type of person who filmed and/or took pictures of everything. Which is EXACTLY the type of person I would roll my eyes at and block on Facebook, but now, seeing it on a documentary about her untimely death, it just seemed sad and eerie. There were many videos of the kids and their dad, showing them playing together or just being a normal family. Her pregnancy announcement was filmed. And I think it was just especially jarring in the age of social media to have all of this now included in true crime docs. I’m so used to reenactments and old-ass interrogation tapes. This is very much a modern doc, right down to using the police chest cam footage from the days after Shanann and the kids go missing. And don’t get me wrong, I HATE docs that are just talking heads and no action, so I really loved the fact that they incorporated all of this video footage and even personal texts that she had sent leading up to the murder. And yet it’s a catch-22 because Chris Watts is the SCUM of the earth and it just painted a clearer picture of the fact that Shanann and her children were murdered in the most disgusting way, FOR ABSOLUTELY no reason. So now that I’ve ranted about it giving me the uncomfies, let’s talk about the rest. The BIGGEST takeaway that I had from this doc, was the blonde polygraph chick who was RUTHLESS and I LOVED it…for about 5 mins and then immediately after she was done being a sassy B she suggested to Chris that maybe Shanann killed the kids and that’s the story he went with for several months, blaming the murder of his children on his innocent wife until he finally set the story straight. It was a quick high to low situation, I loved the fact that she was calling him out for being a MORON to take a polygraph when he’s clearly lying, but then she enabled him by giving him a story that there’s NO CHANCE he would’ve come up with on his own, and then rubbed his back for “confessing.” I mean this is the guy who pulled his truck into the garage to put his wife’s body in it KNOWING his neighbor camera-stalks the street. That neighbor deserves a badge of honor btw for knowing Chris was a murderer IMMEDIATELY. Regardless, we’re dealing with a real dummy here and this “interrogation” had some Brad Dassey vibes to it and I’m surprised Chris Watts didn’t ask if he’d be out of jail in time for Wrestlemania after confessing to the murder.

Class Action Park – HBO

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I’ve heard about Action Park for years and knew that Johnny Knoxville was in a movie about it yet felt like that was more a boy movie than something I’d be super interested in. Then people started buzzing (specifically my favorite cousin who constantly tells me I’m funny so obviously I trust her opinion the most) about this new doc and you KNOW I have FOMO, so I decided to watch. And yes, Action Park was NUTZ. Just the cannonball loop alone was a covered slide with a loop in it. It looked like someone drew it and then just slapped some materials together to make it, as if the park was a hamster cage and not meant for human beings. The “mastermind” behind Action Park, Gene Mulvihill would give employees cash for testing out the rides. At one point they noticed people coming out with scratches and when they opened the slide up to see what was going on, previous riders TEETH were stuck in the padding and injuring other kids. WOOF TIMES A BILLION. And this was pretty much the case for each ride they described. They had Tarzan rope swings, cliff dives, slides that dropped 50 feet, and motorboats that you could booze up and ride. Basically this place was a walking lawsuit and everyone who went got injured and even a couple died. My personal favorite, the wave pool known as the “grave pool” where they used fresh water and noted that the human sludge and constant waves made it hard to spot if someone was drowning. When a person died in the wave pool, they cleared out the body and let everyone back in to keep body surfing/potentially also dying. These are all the fun facts I learned by watching this doc, but it was also one of those movies that never ended. I checked my phone several times because it felt like it was hours long and I definitely started to nod off. It was like they wanted to show how badass this place was but then felt the moral obligation to include heartfelt remarks from a family whose teenager died there. It was a real moral crossroads for me because at one point I’m laughing hysterically about how Action Park is SO Jersey it hurts and shouting CLASSIC to someone who drove a motorboat up onto a dock over another human being and walked away… and then a second later I feel like a dirtbag for laughing because this family who lost their child is traumatized and thinks Gene is a total money-grubbing heartless dirtbag.  Real waterslide of emotions, pun intended.

Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich – Netflix

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Again, I may be one of the last people to know what the deal is with Jeffrey Epstein but this doc was a great peek into that world. Sometimes I find that watching a well-made flick about a hot topic that is most definitely a little bit political, is better than learning about it from your Great Uncle on Facebook. This was 4 hour-long episodes and honestly the same message could’ve been delivered in 2 episodes or a feature film. This is one of my favorite things to critique about docs as most of them are THE MOST drawn out for no reason. Unless you have LOADS of compelling footage to show, most of the time you’re interviewing the same people and showing the same 4 photos or clips and that gets old REAL quick. I will also add that this was heavily for the victims and therefore they were really trying to tug at your heartstrings with their personal accounts and the justice they were seeking. Jeffrey Epstein was a very wealthy and well-connected pedo and he used his privilege to get away with it for several years even when the evidence was stacked against him. And his right-hand gal Ghislaine (pronounced in the DOUCHIEST french accent “ghee-lane” or if you’re my dad and have the maturity of a 14 year old, “Jizz-lane.”) who was FINALLY tracked down and arrested recently essentially groomed girls to be raped by Jeffrey and also deserves to rot in prison. If you’re anything like me, you’ll watch this and then immediately dive into the wormhole of conspiracy theories right down to Wayfair trafficking children disguised as expensive cabinets. If this doc taught me anything, it’s that without a doubt there’s a pedo ring in politics and Hollywood and I can’t wait for the day that shit’s blown wide open and these pervs are outed. Also, it taught me that Prince Andrew has a physical condition that prevents him from sweating. LOLOLOLOLOL.

McMillion$ – HBO

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I came late to the party for this one, people were telling me to watch it back in February but I’m cheap and didn’t get HBO until recently when I got a free trial JUST to watch I’ll Be Gone in the Dark and then when said free trial expired, I waited until they sent me a cheaper monthly price before I committed again (to obviously cancel when they raise the price after a year.) That’s how you play the game, folks. Anyway, this one covers the classic McDonalds Monopoly game that ran for a decade and it turns out it was completely rigged. I had no previous information about this case so the story was a real rollercoaster. Doug Mathews was the rookie special agent who first pursued this case and he is ELECTRIC on camera. Honestly if it weren’t for Doug I might’ve shut the doc off after episode 1 because it was a bit of a slow start. And thank God I didn’t shut it off because it was one of my fave doc-series. The creatures that were in this criminal Monopoly ring were the type of people that I couldn’t tear my eyes away from. Robin Colombo in particular. I cherished every time she graced the screen with her Kool Aid red hair, 16,000 wrinkles and constant ciggy hanging out of her mouth. I’m honestly not sure what’s more offensive, the cast of characters that won millions of dollars from McDonald’s illegally or the fact that these morons got away with it for SO long. In fact, had there not been an informant, there would still be schmucks buying winning Monopoly tickets like it’s an underground betting ring and not a fast food chain promotional contest.

Fear City – Netflix

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This is for all my fellow I-talians out there. My dad and I watched this one together in our matching wife-beaters and gold cross chains while we ate sauce and called everyone mamalukes. Just kidding, sort of. Fear City dives into the height of the NYC mafia in the 70’s and 80’s and how a bunch of baby-faced agents took them down. I love a good mafia/mob movie and the best part about this one was that it was real life. The five families were quite literally running the entire city at that time, making money off of the construction of every new skyscraper that was going up, in addition to having their hands in every other revenue-generating business right down to the gas you put in your car. In just three episodes (my favorite kind of doc) you’ll get to see how the FBI managed to assign an agent to each family, bug their homes and build enough evidence to take them all down. The sting operations get my juices flowing (there was a great sting in the McMillions doc where they acted as a film crew Argo style) and watching the bug guy tell us how he put on a mustache and a jumpsuit and dropped by the head of a mafia family’s home to “fix his TV” in the 1970’s when technology literally did not exist was riveting stuff. There wasn’t AS much real time footage as I would’ve liked but again, it was short so it’s not like I was bored to tears.

I Love You, Now Die – HBO

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Nothing excites me more than forming an opinion on a crime strictly from the very few headlines that I read. And that’s exactly what everyone did with this case, which is why I truly enjoyed this more balanced look into what might have happened. I guess this doc came out last year, but having just gotten access to HBO, I went a little apeshit last weekend consuming every recent doc they had and this just happened to be one of them and I wanted to recommend it and not just because it took place in Massachusetts and featured some PRIME Ben/Casey Affleck exaggerated movie accents. The case was a big deal a few years back because technically Conrad committed suicide but once they dove a little deeper into his relationship with his girlfriend Michelle, they found text messages from her encouraging him to do it and she was charged with his murder, which is a pretty controversial thing and a unique murder charge. The doc did a great job of covering the back and forth of if you can really charge someone for murder when they texted someone to do it–at the end of the day Michelle didn’t start that car and let it fill up with carbon monoxide to kill Conrad and it seemed like the judge was kind of torn on it too. What was made very clear though was the fact that both Conrad and Michelle were AWL sorts of F’ed up. They were both being treated for depression and on medication, Conrad had attempted suicide before, and the two of them lived in this kind of toxic fantasy world of dating via text and never actually seeing each other. So for anyone who saw Michelle in court with her jet black bushy brows, her bleach blonde hair and a REAL bitchy stank face and though ooooh this teeniebopper ho is guilty AF, I suggest you watch this and it might not be so black and white. I’m not saying you’re going to finish it and think she’s innocent like I did when I watched the Scott Peterson doc and spent every Christmas party bringing up the gruesome murder of Laci Peterson to everyone who got stuck talking to me in order to convince them of his innocence, but you might just see the case from all sides. And that’s really why we watch docs, right? To get a different perspective, learn some new tidbits, and then shove all of that down everyone else’s throats and act like you’re superior to them because you watched an educational movie that was 100% created with an agenda and also a bias. DOCS 4 LIFE.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/24/20

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1. BeeeeeBeeeeee’s. 

 

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Welcome to the world, Daisy Dove Bloom! We are honoured to introduce Goodwill Ambassadors @KatyPerry and @OrlandoBloom’s new bundle of joy.⠀ ⠀ “We are floating with love and wonder from the safe and healthy arrival of our daughter,” Katy and Orlando told us.⠀ ⠀ “But we know we’re the lucky ones and not everyone can have a birthing experience as peaceful as ours was. Communities around the world are still experiencing a shortage of healthcare workers and every eleven seconds a pregnant woman or newborn dies, mostly from preventable causes. Since COVID-19 many more newborn lives are at risk because of the increased lack of access to water, soap, vaccines and medicines that prevent diseases. As parents to a newborn, this breaks our hearts, as we empathize with struggling parents now more than ever.⠀ ⠀ “As UNICEF Goodwill Ambassadors, we know UNICEF is there, on the ground, doing whatever it takes to make sure every expecting mother has access to a trained health worker and access to quality healthcare. In celebration of the heart we know our daughter already has, we have set up a donation page to celebrate DDB’s arrival. By supporting them, you are supporting a safe start to life and reimagining a healthier world for every child. We hope your ♥️ can bloom with generosity.⠀ ⠀ Gratefully-⠀ ⠀ Katy & Orlando.”⠀ ⠀ Please tap the link in our bio to support the most precious gift: a healthy child.

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ForEver grateful for this true blessing💙

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A LOT of baby-related news this week. Like my ovaries are rusting from within and it’s just baby city up in Hollywood. At least it’s proof that some couples still like each other  so that’s always good! I also must give credit where it’s due, my bestie has the ultimate scoop edge by living on the west coast and therefore getting breaking news while I’m fast asleep. I woke up Thursday morning to texts from her scooping me on Katy’s birth and updating me on Lea’s child’s name. Proud of her for taking advantage of the time difference. Scoop never sleeps. Katy and Orlando AND Lea and Zandy (eye roll) jumped RIGHT on that current celebrity baby announcement trend of black and white hands/feet grasping. I’m so over this. 0 points for originality. Someone needs to shake this up FAST. If the only news we’re going to have each week is a divorce or a baby, we need a little creativity with the announcements OR WE RIOT. Now onto the names. Daisy Dove is exactly what I would’ve expected from Katy. Double D’s. Just kidding. I don’t hate it but I’m not in love with it either. I’m comfortably indifferent. First time for everything. And as for Lea…Ever is stupid. I’m sorry but that’s not a name that’s a declaration. OUT on Ever. NOW…. onto the real rant.

 

I’ve got a bone to pick with Brie here. Obviously they’re going for the B theme. Brie, Bryan, Birdie, Buddy. That’s obnoxious as hell but whatever, I get some families are real into that. The real issue here is this little bud’s middle name. It is DESSERT. HOWEVER she clarifies in the above post it’s pronounced DESERT. THESE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORDS WITH COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PRONUNCIATIONS AND COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MEANINGS. WHY WOULD YOU GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE THIS 100000X MORE CONFUSING?! MAKE THE NAME DESERT IF THAT’S WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO CALL IT. ESPECIALLY because you’re naming him AFTER an actual name. Was your nana’s maiden name DESSERT pronounced DESERT? If so, your ancestors are morons. I am FIRED all the way up about the stupidity here. You know how often kids confuse Desert and Dessert? A WHOLE LOT. You’re now PART OF THE PROBLEM. Ugh ok. I’m done. Obviously you knew once they announced twin pregnancies that this whole process was going to be People cover story material so I’m glad they didn’t make us wait too long for the unveiling. Nope, I lied. I’m not done. I read the article in People mag and I got annoyed again. First of all, they’re already nicknaming Matteo (God’s gift) to Teo, so whatever that’s fine, I didn’t expect them to really be calling their baby Matteo like he’s an astronomer from the 1500’s. But Brie’s daughter Birdie AKA Bir Bir has nicknamed her little brother Bud Bud. BIR BIR AND BUD BUD. Goodbye.

 

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Hi I’m Buddy 💙

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My life is so complete 🥰 @theartemc @people

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I’m back. THE BELLA BOYYYYZZZZZZZ! Matteo and Buddy!!!!! What’s hilarious to me is that they’re all about twinning and doing everything together and yet TMZ reported that Nikki put her house that she built and decorated for herself (pre-Artem convincing her to marry him and knocking her up) directly next door to Brie on the market. So that was a solid 9 months of being neighbors. Next season of Total Bella’s would be much more entertaining with them living in each other’s buttholes with their newborn cousin twins. I’m not a producer…but I should be. Don’t move, Nikki. Learn how to spell Desert, Brie. TYSM to all. Love ya suh much.

2. BeeeeeBeeee BUMP.

 

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growin an angel 🙂

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7.26.20 🕊

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At first Gigi was like I’m not posting about my pregnancy because there are more important things going on in the world and I want the focus to be on that. And then she apparently was like eh F it, this photoshoot is too good not to share. It is a pretty classy collection of bump photos. It’s not over the top with nudes but tasteful black and white silhouettes. Plus she’s an actual supermodel so I don’t really know if she can take a bad picture. Doesn’t detract from the fact that I feel like she’s a literal infant herself and this is 1000% an oops baby but at least it’s going to be a Vogue oops.

3. Aunt Becky Goes to “Jail.”

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Alright enough baby talk, let’s switch it over to the slammer. It was announced LAST Friday when I was thoroughly enjoying a Girl’s Day full of poolside cheese balls and adult bevvy’s that Lori and her hubs were “sentenced.” I use the term loosely because this has been a several year long process and has been built up so dramatically over time that we all knew there was only one outcome to this scenario, and obviously it’s the outcome that every rich person gets. A short stint in a cushy Hollywood jail that they will 1000% not complete. Lori got 2 months, her husband got 5. The chances that either of these turds serve those full sentences are SLIM. There was a headline about Lori being nervous about serving time amidst corona virus, as if she’d be put in a county jail swarming with people spitting on her or something. Listen, if Jeffrey Epstein was quite literally raping middle school students in Florida and running a pedo “massage” ring out of his mansion and got to leave jail to take his PJ out and about whenever he pleased on “work release”, I can guaranTEEE you that Aunt Becky won’t go to prison for paying her kids into college. That’s just not how the system works. They make a big F’ing deal out of this whole case and promise the judge is going to throw the book at them and I called bullshit from the start. No one will EVER make an example of a rich and famous person. Felicity served a month, Lori will serve a week or two and that’ll be all she wrote for the GREAT college scandal of H’wood. Honestly her getting cut from the never-ending Full House franchise probably hurts worse than a “jail” sentence. HAVE MERCY!

4. We Are All Old.

 

Cause Kevin McAllister told us we are. Seriously, Home Alone was made before I was even born, so don’t be tellin me I’M OLD OK KEVVVIIIIIINNNNNNN?!

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Oh jk, jk, he’s just doing his job. Everyone, relax. I love the fact that Macaulay recognizes that Home Alone was his defining career moment and that’s all we want to hear about from him and embraces it full-force. Also to relate it back to myself as I’m best known for doing, in Home Alone 2 (the superior Home Alone) when Kevin says “I’m 10 years old. TV is my life,” I’ve never related to a statement more except that it applied when I was 10 and also present day. I can honestly say that I’m 29 years old and I’ve watched so much TV in the past week that I have a literal back ache from how I was propped up on my bed/the couch. It all started last weekend when E aired every episode of Sex and the City followed by both movies. They called it something dumb like Sex all weekend or whatever and YES I ATE THAT SHIT UP. Even got my mom in on it as we pondered Aidan vs. Big and I scolded my mom for not remembering Berger who BROKE UP WITH CARRIE VIA POST IT NOTE. And when you start your week watching middle aged women talk about sex in Abu Dhabi, there’s really no rock bottom. So I binged my Housewives (#TeamBrandi, Denise is a cease and desist turd sandwich) and I tried Black Monday (not for me, sorry), watched all of High Fidelity on Hulu (100% must watch for Cherise who is a boss and might be one of my fave TV characters of all time. Wish she had more screen time.) I even went backward in time and saw Bridget Jones’s Diary for the first time–I allowed my curiosity for why this was such a phenomenon to outweigh my hate for Renee Zellweger. The movie stinks and I have no idea why they were compelled to make 3 of them or what was cutting edge about a thirty year old woman who drinks and smokes a lot (see: SATC series AND movies.) I discovered that my favorite Sophie Kinsella book Can You Keep A Secret was made into a low budget film that I assume was straight to streaming with Alexandra Daddario and Tyler Hoechlin. Also recommend for anyone who loves an awkward as hell rom com. And I even went so far as to sign up for a free trial of HBO (setting a reminder to cancel before they charged me an outrageous $15) so I could finally get my peepers on I’ll Be Gone in the Dark and subsequently ask my mom to close the door of the bedroom next to me so I can be sure the Golden State Killer wasn’t hiding in there waiting to rape and kill me. Good news, he was finally sentenced this week so we’re all safe from HIM but once you hear a phone call with heavy breathing and “I’ll kill you bitch”, there’s really no reassuring your fears. I also took it upon myself to rewatch Crash from 2005 with my free trial week. Turns out, a movie about racism and anger still holds up today… AND THAT WAS ALL IN ONE WEEK, FOLKS! YA THINK I NEED A JOB OR SOMETHING?! I mean, I just turned Mac’s birthday into a rant about how much television I consumed this week. If that’s not a talent, I don’t know what is. Felt like I needed to get that off of my chest. Plz feel free to DM me for more in depth reviews/rec’s of all of my consumption. Also, to bring it back to Mac…here’s Brenda Song’s loving bday tribute to him. I was literally shocked to be reminded that these two are dating. Seems like things are going swell though.

 

PS almost forgot to include that I watched this masterpiece last Friday and go right ahead and put it in the cheesy dance movie top 10 because WOOO what a masterpiece. Despite the fact that the lead character leaves frizzy hair in two solid chunks in her face for the whole movie and refuses to wear anything other than baggy khakis and chunky sneaks like she’s Working Girl and not a high school student in 2020.

 

5. MUSIC TIME!

Here’s the portion of the show where I don’t have enough headlines to yap about this week (or last…I double dipped) so I throw up some songs and youtube videos that brought me joy.

 

The Barden Bella’s came back to sing one of my all-time favorite Beyonce songs. Of course, I use the term sing suuuuuuuuuper loosely because all of them are 9000% lip syncing but whatever it’s all in good fun. Close your eyes and groove it out. Bonus points to Brittany Snow for working in a fan for Beyonce hair.

 

I’ve always loved Jaaaayyyyy-SuuuNNnnn DeRUUUUUUllloooooooo and this song is fun and the video has a whole lot to look at. But in a good way. Not in a WAP way.

Also, check out this 10 year old drummer who is cooler than I will EVER be.

 

BONUS: After a hiatus from the world of youths and never understanding what it is they’re looking for in snappy 50 second videos, I made my triumphant return to the Tok and have been posting whatever the hell I feel like posting and then watching in awe as the shortest & least funny video takes off in views and likes. Apparently there’s a real treasure trove of One Tree Hill fans living in TikTok world. Who knew.

 

 

@thesaltyju

When your #folklore CD comes a month after you ordered it with star confetti and NOT a personal cardigan from Taylor Swift herself. 🙄 ✌🏽

♬ exile – Taylor Swift

 

 

@thesaltyju

#Dance like nobody is watching. Or like your dad is doing an FB Live show and you want to show off your fresh moves while he tunes his guitar #sytycd

♬ Nominate – Stonebwoy

 

 

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/13/15

1. John Krasinski vs. Anna Kendrick in Lip Sync Battle of the year. Totes didn’t anticipate including these lip sync battles in my JUice every week but then they had two bangin weeks B2B (no coincidence that the two are married) and it was more than worthy of sharing. REAL heavyweight battle this week between queen of funny, cool, hot girl Anna Kendrick & dreamy Jim Halpert, creator and lip sync GOAT. I think John’s recreation of the Bye Bye Bye Marionette video was the best lip sync ever. No frills, just his dashing good looks and smooth dance moves. Anna brought her dance moves out to play with Booty and an appearance of JLo at the end sealed the deal for her. Even though they were both top notch in this battle, I still feel like John was robbed. I get that it probz doesn’t look good to award the guy who created the thing but c’mon, he shook his junk around in a sparkle mini as a sassy Tina Turner. Also petition to get LL Cool J the F off this show. Anyone? Anyone?

2. Pitch Perfect releases newer trailer and pls don’t disturb as I spend the rest of my day listening to the Bellas. Highlight: Becca & Jesse mack sesh.

3. Harper Beckham woke up like this. SHE’S THREE YEARS OLD. No biggie, just a three year old front row center at a fashion show looking more flawless than I will ever look. Yeah that’s right, I’m jelly belly of a toddler. Whatevskeets.

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4. Mr. Bubbles, King of Smooth, posted an Insta with a girls donk in it and is getting Internet shamed for it.

https://instagram.com/p/1bzcAAJSy0/?taken-by=michaelbuble

Can the world EVER have a sense of humor? If you put your buhhole on display like that you’re giving anyone with a camera phone the rights to take a funny selfie with it. Duhs. That’s not me talking, it’s science. Also Bubs nails the blue steele in this.

5. SJP goes back to NYC on HBO. 

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The show is called Divorce and follows Carrie Bradshaw after Big dumps her. Just kidding, but you know that 100% of the viewers absolutely think this show will be a sequel to Sex and the City. Here’s hoping Molly Shannon is the Samantha. Does this mean there won’t be a Sex and the City Movie 3-5?

ENJOY THE WEEKEND, POPPETS!

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