JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of January 27, 2020

1. Bella Babies.

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BECAUSE OF COURSE THESE TWO ARE PREGNANT AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. And listen, I love them a whole lot and want to be BFF’s with them but this is RIDICULOUS. They know it’s ridiculous too. They had to basically be like no this is real and we didn’t plan this like the assholes that you think we are. As the story goes, Brie and Bryan were trying for a second kid for several months and decided to give up because maybe it wasn’t in their plan to have another kid and boom, Brie ends up pregnant. Nikki on the other hand, FRESHLY engaged, obviously did not plan this and therefore we’ve got a Bella oops. My favorite part about this whole story is that Nikki told Brie she was pregnant before telling her fiancé AND Brie was piiiiiisssedddd. Literally her reaction was “this is a nightmare” and that is hilarious to me. No one tells it like it is like your own sister–even more so, your twin. I know this because I have a twin (or so every bouncer and random bar bro who wants to strike up a conversation with us chooses to believe.) In this scenario, Brie would be my sister and I would be Nikki. I know this because I asked my sister the other day if I would be a good mom and she goes, you don’t even like kids. To which I responded, neither do you and you have one. TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME, BISH. Honestly though it would be a nightmare for the world if we were ever pregnant at the same time. Look no further than this ahole photo of us wearing leopard coordinated outfits on New Years Eve with bows stolen from my 2 year old niece.

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But anyway, back to the Bella’s who do wrestling, wine, activewear, skincare, reality TV, podcasts and now BIRTH together. Can’t wait for these babies to come on the exact same day because you KNOW that’s what’s going to happen and they’re both going to go OH MY GOSH! (You’ll only understand this if you’re a Total Bellas fan and have ever turned it into a drinking game.) Also, pour one out for John Cena who DID FINALLY SAY he would give Nikki kids and everyone overlooks that fact and he gets DRAGGED for trying to take away her chance to be a mom. Gawd.

2. GOLDBERG.

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HEY if I had to see it, so do you. Those are the rules. My eyes will never be the same. This is the second mugshot for ole Goldberg and boy have things changed in the last few years. As it turns out, meth is not GREAT for your face. He was all tweaked out and decided to break into someone’s garage and car. This blows. And I’ll tell you why. I shipped Goldberg. I thought the funny chunk who farted all the time was hilarious and when it was time to buy a Mighty Ducks shirsey, I bought Goldberg’s even though the cool choice would’ve been Conway. I thought Goldberg would’ve struck up more conversations and now I’m ashamed to wear it ever again because these are NOT the conversations I want to be having. I get that most child stars are messed up and pretty much the entire Sandlot cast has gotten arrested at this point, but what a sharp life turn to take going from the 90’s loveable chubster to meth head trolling through people’s homes. Let us remember him and all of my other 90’s boyfs the way they should be remembered, in the best decade ever, in the creepy blog I wrote about them HERE. Also, related but unrelated because Goldberg won’t be asked to join womp womppp, but Emilio Estevez will be in the Disney + Mighty Ducks reboot series. Welcome back, Coach Bombay. Don’t ever slick your hair like the Iceland coach and keep those ducks flying together and we’ll see if I tune in for this sure to be subpar dumpster fire.

3. Mourning Mamba

I wrote a little bit about this in my Grammy’s blog because it had just happened and it felt weird for me to be watching the awards show and making my dumb twitter and red carpet jokes without acknowledging the awful loss of Kobe, his daughter, and their friends on that flight. Now almost a week later, my sentiment remains the same. I won’t pretend for even a second to know anything about sports or Kobe Bryant as a basketball player but I do know that so many people losing several members of their families in one fell swoop is a horrific tragedy and I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt that they’re all going through. I watched and read so many of the tributes and stories about Kobe and his daughter and old interview clips of him talking about his family and I cried at every single one. Out of everything that I saw, the viral #GirlDad movement that Elle Duncan started hit the hardest.

After so many people shared the video, Elle tweeted this out:

And the world flooded Twitter with adorable pics of dads and their daughters. Well Elle, here’s my submission because we can’t shout out Girl Dad’s without tossing the G-Man in the mix. The guy who explains 401K’s in Dawson’s Creek terms, who used the term lettuce in a eulogy because we taught him that it means cool hair, who learned a Jesse and the Rippers song for his live gigs because his daughters could not be more obsessed with the 90’s and who literally laid down on the floor to get a good angle for my Instagram. He’s not a regular dad…he’s a #GirlDad and a #GirlPapa. Seriously, this family has girls coming out of our ears. But that’s why we’re awesome because as Kobe knew, Girls run the world and make our dads 1 billion times cooler.

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4. My Girl’s Back!

My numero uno girl crush is back on a press tour for her new movie that looks creepy as hell, which means we have so many outfits to feast our eyes on! That yellow Paddington Bear outfit was something I never thought I’d like and yet Blake rocked it and now I’d like to own it for myself. I mean really, quilted yellow shorts. Who would’ve thought? Blake. That’s who.

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In addition to dressing like a boss bitch, she also broke her hand punching Jude Law and the only thing she wanted to tell us about that is how she nailed a dad joke. She is perfect.

5. A Non-Twin Pregnancy

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Number 3. 📸: @DangeRussWilson

A post shared by Ciara (@ciara) on

Ciara announced she’s pregnant again in this fierce and tropical photo in the land of rich people vacations and that’s great. Good for her! My bone to pick is with her husband, who also put his own announcement on InstaG and it looked like this:

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Number 3. @Ciara

A post shared by Russell Wilson (@dangerusswilson) on

I’m sure he was just flexing his portrait mode skillz but if my husband posted a selfie where my pregnant bod is BLURRED OUT IN THE BACKGROUND to announce that we’re having a kid, I would lose my shit. HEY BUD, WHO CARRIES THIS KID FOR 9 MONTHS DEALING WITH CRAVINGS AND NO DRINKING AND THROWING UP AND FEELING LIKE GARBO AND THEN PUSHES THIS HUMAN OUT OF A HOLE THAT IS NOWHERE NEAR 10 CM? NOT YOU IN YOUR REFLECTIVE AVIATORS AND YOUR STUPID EXPENSIVE CHAINS, I CAN TELL YOU THAT. Get your shit together, Russell and start worshipping your Queen, the temple that will house your child and then bring it into this world. PERIOD. (I just binged Cheer in one day and that will now become an annoying thing that I picked up from it and overuse until everyone around me wants to punch me. PERIOD.)

BONUS: Get YO asses ready for JLo (and Shakira) to run train all over the football field this Sunday and I guess two teams will play and there will be commercials and snacks and stuff. But mostly JLo and dem gunz. And Demi kicking things off by roaring about ‘Merica. If you’re really lucky, I’ll blog about the puddle of drool that collects on the floor while I wear my big hoops and sweatsuit in honor of my gurl.

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Movies

90’s Movie Characters I Wanted To Date

The fact that I had to ask multiple people if this blog would be funny or creepy can pretty much tell you what line I’m toeing here. The first boys to snag my heart were the classic movie characters of the 90’s and some of them happen to still be great boyf material (fictionally speaking…) Also my legal advisor (my dad) told me to not refer to any of these characters as hot. Probably because they ranged from like 11-17 in these movies. Whatever. I like to play it fast and loose.

10. Josh Framm (Air Bud 1-100)

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Although I can only say I watched the first Air Bud…who doesn’t love a cute guy who loves dogs and also happens to be teammates with his? It’s fate that Josh found Buddy because the two of them were an ally oop dream team (and apparently in later sequels they dabbled in football and soccer) WHAT CAN’T THIS PUP DO?! Regardless, Josh’s BFF was his dog and that’s something that’s definitely not lame when you’re a kid. It’s swoonworthy.

9. Max Dennison (Hocus Pocus)

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Max was Joe Cool new kid from LA. Although he took a fair share of bullying, he got a bomb ass nickname from it. Hollywood had game for dayz when he slipped Allison his digits while wearing his best tie dye and then later took her on a date to a haunted house. He’s cool enough to admit he’s a virg when he lights the black flame and then does his best to protect everyone from getting murdered by a bunch of sassy buck toothed witches. What a dreamboat.

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8. Josh Burnbalm (Heavy Weights)

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Bet I threw you for a loop with this one. Hey, I can get down with the chubsters if they have a kickass personality like Josh did. Josh was the OG of Camp Hope and had an admirable collection of hats and track jackets like a real stud. He was confident and funny and after getting kicked out of camp he even knew how to pull a prank on his fellow fatties when he pretends he was brainwashed. Josh was as smooth as the chocolate stored in Chipmunk cabin’s top bunk.

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7. Wally Cleaver (Leave it to Beaver)

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The Beav was kind of a little annoying runt, but what really made this movie were the few glimpses of his older brother Wally as hot stuff. Wally was macking on girls during seven minutes of heaven and stealing his BFF’s crush while Beav was getting his bike stolen. Who was the more interesting Cleaver? Plus, THAT hair.

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6. Casper (Duh)

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K, I’m not about to throw a ghost fetish into the mix, but the fleeting moments in this movie when Casper turns from ghost into human form and gives Kat a smooch? Yes please. Who would’ve thought that a cartoon ghost could be such a cutie IRL. Ghost Casper lays the groundwork to be Kat’s BFF and then human Casper snakes right in and slow dances with her to seal the deal. Good teamwork. Also related but unrelated: the actor who plays Casper, Devon Sawa could’ve easily made this list as three separate characters, guy CRUSHED it as the love interest in 90’s movies.

5. Dean Portman (D2: Mighty Ducks)

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Dean Portman was ½ of the Bash Bros and one whole hunky piece of meat. As an avid bandanna wearer who knew that sleeves weren’t in his best interest, Dean loved to rock a little pre-game air guitar and then lay out anyone who got near him on the ice. He fulfilled my bad boy fantasy as a young’n, but he also had a soft spot for a little bromance with Fulton Reed. These two were an aggressive dynamic duo who could get down with slumber parties. (Also we can all agree that D2 is 1000 times better than the original Mighty Ducks right?) Bonus points: Dean had the body of a pro hockey player even though he was supposed to be like 15.

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4. Jesse (Free Willy 1-3)

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Although Jesse was a little brat at first because he was homeless and sad about his mom hating him, he shaped up real quick and became the apple of my eye. Mostly because he became BFF’s with a killer whale. Oh hey, have you guys met my boyfriend? He’s over there riding Willy through the Pacific, NBD. Jesse could rip the harmonica, was passionate about his best bud and saved him from captivity but still hung out with him on the reg. If you’re wondering if I’d use Jesse to get to Willy, the answer is a hard yes.

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3. Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)

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Henry broke his arm one summer and when the cast came off he was the best pitcher for the Chicago Cubs. Supes realistic. Whatever, Henry was funny, cute and could totes get me season tix for all you can eat Wrigley Field wieners. And his mom was his BFF which was pretty adorbsies, plus he never forgot who his real friends were. #Loyalty, #MillionDollarPaycheck, #MagicalBones

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2. Rocky (3 Ninjas)

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Although any of the three boys could’ve made this list, Rocky was the oldest and therefore the most appropriate to have a crush on. Rocky rides a mean bike, dunked in a kid’s face at school and oh wait…is a NINJA. The only thing holding him back? His girlfriend, Emily. WOOOF. You can do better than that, Rocky. Every time I watched that movie I wish Rocky was whispering sweet nothings from a can into my bedroom, not hard puffy bangz Emily. Anyway, Rocky protected Emily when she got kidnapped in her embarrassing pink nightgown which obviously means he’s a phenomenal boyf. Plus he knew how to wear the shit out of a backwards hat, hair poking through.

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1. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (The Sandlot)

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It should be no surprise to any Sandlot fans how Benny The Jet topped this list. Benny was without a doubt the coolest, most heart-fluttering character of my formative years. He was sick nasty at baseball (and not just because he broke his arm), he was generous to people who sucked (I’m lookin at you, Smalls) and he pickled The Beast. Benny was also a giver to his obviously less hot friends. He totes could’ve gotten Wendy Peffercorn but he let Squints go for the chase while he kicked back and had dreams about Babe Ruth giving him life advice. Benny lacing up a fresh pair of Chucks and hopping that fence still does things to my thirteen-year-old heart. Is this getting pervy? Probably. Whatevs, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez foreva…cause heroes get remembered but legendary characters I wished were my boyfriend never die.

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And just for kicks, here’s what everyone looks like present-day. As like, legal adults.

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