JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/11/2020

Happy Friday and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

If you know me you know that I don’t make a big deal about my birthday. Just kidding, if you haven’t sent me a gift and/or birthday wishes deeper than an “HBD” Facebook post, you’re dead to me. Now let’s dive into breaking news this week other than me being one year away from turning thirty and still living in complete and utter shamblez.

1. The Office Wedding.

The only downfall of John Krasinski’s Some Good News is that it comes out at the beginning of the week so everyone has already yapped it to death by the end of the week. But this reunion deserves a shoutout. Pam & Jim’s wedding with the entire office recreating the JK Wedding Dance is an iconic moment and the fact that they all were able to deliver that to us in the shitty year of our Lord 2020 is definitely SOME GOOD NEWS.  Knocked it out of the park with that one, JK. (Wedding starts around the 8 minute mark if you’re not interested in anything other than celebrities…if you’re actually a good person who cares about the world, feel free to watch in full.) And might I add that Dwight kicking a bridesmaid directly in the face in the original episode is laugh out loud hilarious and when he recreated it I still burst into a fit of giggles. Guess I just really like watching bitches get kicked in the moneymaker. Other than allowing us all to enjoy a flashback to when we could shamelessly enjoy Chris Brown’s Forever without feeling guilty that he turned out to be such a dirtbag, John also invited Zac Brown on to sing the bride down the aisle with a new tune and it got REAL dusty when that happened. That handsome devil John has managed to make me cry at literally every one of these episodes he does. If I may complain though (I don’t know how not to) it was weird as hell watching someone surprise get married on Zoom. Like I feel like a little preparation or further instruction wouldn’t have hurt in this scenario. The bride is supposed to be “walking” down the aisle and yet we’re all just sitting there staring at everyone’s faces while Zac plays a lick. Even when Forever comes on everyone pretty much stayed seated. You’re gonna tell me that ONE TWO THREE FOUR hits your speakers and you’re NOT immediately dropping it down low?! Like come on, if you’re gonna have John Krasinski officiate your wedding and bring all of his celebrity friends you really gotta go for it. Felt a little stiff, TBH. And for my final complaint, he invited their parents on and her old ass dad barely got a peep in ON HIS DAUGHTER’S WEDDING DAY. (My dad would never stand for that.) Were they Zoom muted?! And of course his only comment was we never thought this moment would come. Burn city, Population: Susan. For more Office superfan content, Jim also went on the Office Ladies podcast to recap the Casino Night episode and shared tidbits about their first kiss and how he kept the original teapot gift from the show. I would have listened to the episode to get more juice but I committed to the first episode of this podcast when it dropped and wanted to chop my ears off SO badly from how annoying these two were that I couldn’t fathom listening to anymore. I’m a fan but I won’t put myself through that, even for BTS deets.

2. Jerry Stiller.

We lost a classic comedy actor this week and honestly the roles that I remember him for are what are considered as his “second act” and even those were iconic, which means I can’t even imagine everything he did before I was even born. I love the fact that Jerry and Anne were a comedy duo and still managed to stay together for 62 years. SIXTY. TWO. That’s unreal. They worked together, didn’t kill each other and stayed in love and laughing forever. That’s the dream right there. To be clear, the dream is that someone finds me funny for 62 years. The never-ending love thing seems suspicious. Either way, Jerry lived a full life in show biz and gave us a lot of memorable characters. It says everything about me that one of the first ones I thought of was him and Anne in Heavyweights as the Bushkins who get pushed out by Tony Perkis. Hi-Hi-HIYA! I guess that’s why when we all went around the room in film class in college and were asked to share our favorite movie, I said Heavyweights while everyone else named Oscar-winning films. But I digress. Jerry played dramatic outrage like nobody else and had the ability to make shouting pretty hilarious and not at all abrasive. And for that among a billion other things, he’ll be remembered.

3. Anotha Quarantine Divorce.

mk-olivier

To be completely up front with you, when I read the headline that MK was getting a divorce, I honestly had to think long and hard as to when she even got married. Then I scolded myself because I included her wedding in the JUice because they had BOWLS OF CIGGS at it. And honestly, HOW COULD I FORGET THAT?! MK probably wore a black cloak as her wedding gown, marries a French banker and they encourage everyone to celebrate their union with unlimited puffs. Unfortunately for us all, a very smoky wedding does not a successful marriage guarantee. Unfortunately for MK, the state of NY does not find a divorce filing supes essential during COVID times and therefore it’s being tabled. She also tried to file an emergency order because apparently Sarkozy terminated their NY lease and told her to get the hell out. So basically as we all have learned, divorce sucks already and then you throw fame and a national pandemic in the mix and shit really starts popping off. Here’s hoping Ash can help a sister out in a New York Minute.

ciggyMK

PS I would be a terrible blogger if while blogging about a divorce of a couple that probably had no biz being together to begin with, I didn’t include their most iconic photo together. Cause nothing says forever love like forcefully holding someone’s head in place to smooch them.

Screen Shot 2020-05-14 at 10.09.51 PM

PPS Last night my sister said the phrase so little time, which triggered me to sing the theme song from MK&A’s WORST show (Two of a Kind was their best, obviously)–I was a little rosé buzzed last night so I thought I was being hilarious–but that song is a BANGPIECE. So let’s all enjoy it as we say farewell to MK’s marriage.

so little time

4. Kaitlyn Bristowe: Popstar Edition.

KB’s really going for broke this Quarantine szn. She already has a podcast, scrunchie/hair accessory line, wine label, live tour of her podcast (obviously had to be cancelled) and does various appearances for Bachelor-related things. Last week she dropped a Youtube show and this week it’s a single. And you know what? If I had a following like hers that was willing to drop $22 on a regular ass scrunchie, I’d try it all too. The only thing stopping me from being a total attention whore is that I don’t have a following. She releases this very mediocre, produced pop country (can we really call it country?) song and it’s a best seller on Apple music just because of how many fans she has that worship whatever she does. And again, I’m jelly. This is coming from a jealous place. I mean people were comparing her to Taylor Swift. Give the song a listen and let me know if that sounds like  a T.Swift joint. Am I going to probably download it anyway? If I’m being honest…yeah. I’m probably also going to re-watch the first episode of her Youtube series where she talks about moving back home in her late twenties after a breakup and being depressed AF before going on the Bachelor and becoming D-list famous so that I can visualize that for myself as well. Maybe by my 34th birthday I’ll talk about how I went from making TikToks about hand sanitizer that had 0 views to becoming the next Joan Rivers. You know how people make vision boards? That’s mine. Frame it. We’ll circle back in a few years. Wouldn’t hate having my own Rosé either. Add that to the list. And nail some choreography for real and not in a “but you still look like you’re having fun” way. But that’s all. K, I’m done.

@thesaltyju

If you don’t also scream sing HE LOOKS UP GRINNING LIKE A DEVIL, are you even a Taylor Swift fan? #cruelsummer #taylorswift #fyp #swiftie #lover

♬ orijinal ses – taylor_swift13.3

Also we get it…you guys LOVE AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER. Ugh. ALL the eye rolls in the world. It’s not taking a risk if you sell out scrunchies in a matter of seconds…you know you have fans that will buy your product whatever it may be. K, bye for real now.

View this post on Instagram

KB releasing a song today is just another depiction of her manifesting the dreams she had always envisioned. It’s a testament of her ability to conquer her fears of failure and pursue unchartered territory with a refreshing perspective. We live in a culture with significant societal pressures & Kaitlyn has a remarkable way of converting negative energy directed her way into a motivational energy source to succeed. Her commitment to lead the life she always imagined is contagious & empowering. The celebration today isn’t about the fact you’re clobbering today’s music charts – #1 in Canada and #3 in the US (…not a big deal) but that you’re crossing another dream off the bucket list! #ifimbeinghonest

A post shared by Jason Tartick (@jason_tartick) on

View this post on Instagram

If I’m being honest, I didn’t think I would ever release this song. I was too afraid, insecure, and kept doing the classic “what if”. I don’t know who needs to hear this but f*ck the what if’s. This uncertain time has shed light on how important time is. So while this song has been collecting dust for over a year, I’ve finally decided to share it with you. Singing has always been something that makes my heart happy. So if I’m being honest, Im still feeling insecure, yet PROUD to share this with you now. I even think we can all relate to the lyrics right now. It’s available wherever you get your music or my bio. Love you guys. Thank you. #IfImBeingHonest Also huge shout out to @jennifer_denmark @savannahkeyesmusic for helping me write this, and @itsmikemiller for producing it.

A post shared by Kaitlyn Bristowe (@kaitlynbristowe) on

5. Lizzie McGuire Gang Hang.

I was hoping something more newsworthy would come through because I know there’s a VERY small Lizzie McGuire demographic here but alas not much was popping this week. I expect 0 of you to sit through a cast table read of a Lizzie McGuire episode about her buying her first bra like I did, so I’m happy to sum it up for you. They chose to read this episode because it was controversial at the time for the Disney channel to be covering puberty and development. They could only say bra a certain number of times and they could only show a pile of bras and not one singular bra. HOW WEIRD IS THAT. Disney channel, RELAX. It’s also relevant as they do the reboot because Hilary has been very outspoken about how Disney plus is really putting a damper on what they can and cannot do and now that they’re portraying a 30 year old, they’re gonna need to get past bras being taboo. So I think we can all go ahead and assume that reboot will never see the light of day. The cast seemed to all get along and they reminisced about how they were a family on set. Gordo has a DISGUSTING mustache and looks like a 70’s porn star and the girls of the cast talked about how they were literally buying their first bras as they were filming this show so it was a little awksies. If you want to read more about how great Lizzie Mcguire was, feel free to check out the blog I wrote 100 years ago where I also talk about begging my mom to get a bra. Now I get mad if I have to put one on. Oh how the turn tables. It was also ironic for Hilary to be reading her part as Lizzie trying on her first bra while her boobs were literally busting out of the top of her tank. Get it gurl. (Unfortunately no mention of the epic Lizzie McGuire movie and Paolo, or a shitty Italian accent from Lizzie, which I feel like we all need in these trying times. She did pronounce Oboe wrong though, so I guess there’s that.)

BONUS: Jimmy Fallon is still producing the tonight show from his home and I find any sort of group video call where they can all sing together and sound harmonized very impressive, so jam out to this little diddy they released this week. Brendon Urie has a phenomenal voice and I feel like I shit on him a little bit last year when he was featured on ME!, so I’m giving him credit now…a year later.

 

BIRTHDAY BONUS:

Here’s the part where I might normally be like hopefully this is my best year yet! But I learned from my mistakes last year. You would think physically choking on a hunk of raw zucchini that a hibachi chef fireballed down my throat, being moments away from getting the Heimlich from one of my friends who happens to be a nurse and then dry heaving that zucc chunk up underneath the table all before dinner even started would have been SOME SORT OF SIGN THAT 28 WAS VERY MUCH NOT GOING TO BE MY YEAR, but alas I was a little slow on the uptake. So given that I’m turning 29 in quarantine as the world burns before our very eyes and we’re forced to trust humanity to follow rules, wash themselves and keep us all alive (plus I’m unemployed AF & going on month 6 of living with my parents), I’m just gonna go ahead and say: feel like 29’s not gonna be my year. If it is, I’ll be pleasantly surprised. When it’s not, I’ll just shrug my shoulders and be able to say my favorite phrase on this earth TOLD YA SO!

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – It’s All About Becca

squad

HEY GUYS WE’RE BACK! As if this wasn’t enough of a ratings ploy, we kicked off the after show by watching THE EXACT SAME THING WE ALREADY WATCHED. Yanno, in case it wasn’t already hammered home that Becca got dumped, why not watch it all over again? Then we watch her fly home (coach) and sit on her couch looking at pictures and videos of her and Arie and sob. It’s almost like producers handed her these things and then turned cameras on…

Meanwhile, Arie is on a direct flight to Virginia Beach to get Lauren back and “have a panic attack” outside of her house. She obviously 100% expected him as she jumped into his arms and told him it was so hard being rejected that she moved back home with her parents. Must be nice to quit your “job” over heartbreak and move back in with mommy and daddy. She asks why he didn’t propose to her and Arie said it was because he saw a flash of doubt in her eye once and basically picked Becca because it was the safe choice and she seemed like she’d make a great wife. Could this guy BE a bigger asshole?! Apparently not to Lauren, who basically writhes all over him and demands the ring pronto tonto. PS Arie also tells Lauren he’s 1000% over Becca, like 3 days after dumping her. So that’s nice. Glad he has feels.

Now we’re back to the “live” portion, or as it quickly becomes evident, fluff on fluff on fluff. Not sure how Kendall, Bekah, Sienne, Caroline & Tia became the Peanut Gallery of this year’s finale but they’ve gotten more screen time than Becca herself and it’s getting REAL annoying (I’m looking at you Bekah, trying to stretch that missing girl, big chandelier earring, fame as far as it will go.) Chris brings the Spice Girls down to ask them what they think of all of this, individually, the question phrased differently each time. Lemme save you 25 mins, they all think Arie’s a douchenozzle, Becca is queen and dodged a bullet and Lauren better GET OUT QUICK.

bekah

Becca’s trucked back out to show everyone that she’s still a babe and she’s doing just fine, and to reassure the world that airing her breakup in full shouldn’t make us all irrationally angry. Once she confirms with Chris that it’s totes ok for producers to exploit her life and she signed up for this, Chris is like GREAT, let’s joke about it-check out these billboards, HAHAHA. Becca offers to donate all the drink money everyone’s been venmoing her and Chris is like YES WE WILL MATCH. Not for nothing but it sounds like Chris Harrison is speaking from a guilty conscience here after facing a little TOO much backlash on night one.

BECCA, ARIE LUYENDYK JR.

Becca gets her moment to face Arie and be the bigger person (cough cough because she’s being preened to step into Bachelorette) and all I wanted was for her to say, “First of all, how dare you?” Instead she forgives him and Arie is still a bumbling idiot who stutters, “I do regret regret proposing that day.” Becca responds that he robbed her of her first engagement and proposal which is SO true but like stay in this franchise and it won’t really matter in another year, girl.

In other useless television, Jason Mesnick and his 100 year old People cover that was once “SCANDALOUS” are also trotted out to waste even more time. Chris Harrison continues to make everything about himself saying he received threats after what they aired. Something tells me Chris has never faced a second of disapproval in his life and he’s really struggling with it. He would like Jason to comfort him.

Lauren and Arie come out next to try and get us all to like them again. It doesn’t work. Chris tells Lauren, “I can’t even imagine what’s going through your mind right now.” And she says, “Me neither.”

 

I want you to let that sink in for a minute.

 

This is the most truthful thing that has ever been said on this whole season. Literally not a thought in Lauren’s brain and she FULLY admits it. You’re so pretty, Lauren. Keep up the good work.

LAUREN, ARIE LUYENDYK JR.

They reveal that their romantic story continued when Arie slid into her DM’s on New Year’s Eve. If I may borrow a favorite word from Lauren, WOW! WHAT A LOVE STORY. Lauren gets dumped for another girl, then they’re reconnected in the lush forest of DM’s. HOW much do you wanna bet it was after Lauren posted a babe soda I’m doing better than you selfie? The HAPPY couple is about to head out of the country and stay off of social media because everyone obviously hates them and also that’s what two people who don’t have jobs do. After they return, Lauren is moving to Arizona probably because she’s living with her parents right now and also because in this ass backwards franchise, the girl ALWAYS uproots her life and moves to the guys’ home city, which is preposterous, among many other things of course. Arie tries to sell everyone on him and Lauren like its a piece of real estate (see what I did there?) and not a living, breathing, relationship. Then he takes the opportunity to propose in front of an audience that is NOT having it, in the most staged and disingenuous way. I didn’t think anything could be more cringeworthy and tone deaf than him knocking on the bathroom door while the fiance he just dumped sobs and asking if she was ok AND THEN THIS PROPOSAL HAPPENED. What a joke. Obviously Lauren says yes, Chris Harrison wishes them at least one month more than Arie’s previous engagement and literally not one person in the audience gives a shit. PS you bet your bottom dollar I had my eyes glued to the TV to see if it was the same ring. How dirt city is it that Arie just 100% weaseled another free ring out of ABC/ya boy Neil Lane? I mean it’s not shocking at this point, because everything Arie does is terrible. BUT STILL I’M MAD ABOUT IT.

Oh, and also Becca is the next Bachelorette BECAUSE OF COURSE and we kill more time by asking what all her “BFF’s” (the peanut gallery) think of her being the bachelorette and then she meets 3 or 4 (honestly I don’t remember) of the guys from her season right onstage and it’s awkward and weird and NOW WE ARE FINALLY FINISHED WITH THAT WANKER ARIE! Thanks British contestant, who will only last longer next season because of your accent, for pointing that out. Can we all take a moment to laugh at the fact that Arie came out of this show looking like a total troutsniffer, no one even cared about his proposal and the finale was all about how flawle$$ Becca is. That makes me very happy. Now accepting over/unders on Lauren and Arie’s relashe. Something tells me escaping to another country to avoid a media shitstorm ISN’T A GR8 OMEN.

 

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – “I’m not like, gonna hug you goodbye.”

Meeting the FAM!

Arie tells his dad that he’s in love with both girls and his dad replies, “good luck, buddy!” Lauren meets the gang first. Arie just wants Lauren to speak today around his family. That’s pretty much all he’s hoping for. Lauren is concerned she’ll have another broken engagement, Arie is concerned he’ll be in another relationship where his significant other is a mute. That sums up Lauren’s viz.

Screen Shot 2018-03-05 at 11.19.36 PM

Next, everyone in the fam talks about how much they loved Lauren and how they pre-judged and hate Becca without giving her a chance. Mama L tells Arie, “I love Lauren but I also love Becca.” And Arie is like WELCOME TO MY LIFE, BETCH. Arie Sr asks Becca if her and Lauren get along. WHY DOES IT MATTER? He says they’re both nice and he’d be fine with either choice. What a dick. The fact that Becca’s entire visit has been about Lauren is a foreshadowing like no other. Surprisingly, the family casts their votes for Becca because she’s independent and can hold her own and not take any shit from Arie. Whereas Lauren seems like a baby bitch who constantly needs reassurance and to be pulled out of her shell. I’m paraphrasing here. But it sounds like Arie feels like he should be with an outgoing girl but always ends up speaking on behalf of his girlfriends and wanting to take care of them. So basically he was hoping his parents told him it was ok to be with Lauren, and when they didn’t say that he was like well, fuck.

Machu Picchu with Lauren

ARIE LUYENDYK JR., LAUREN B.

Arie and Lauren talk about how lucky they are. Honestly that’s all I took away from this date. Basically Arie is looking for each girl to prove that she’s the one for him and it’s not gonna happen. So he’s just jabbering on and on about why he loves her, looking for reassurance. At this point in the episode I grabbed a handful of peanut M&M’s from my candy dish on my coffee table and for fear of getting the colors to rub off on my clammy hands, I set them down on the couch but they kept rolling around, so I instead pulled out the front of my oversized Bayside Tigers sweatshirt and created a little pouch as a holding tank for my candies so I could toss them down the hatch one by one without having to reach so far. Telling this story and laughing out loud about it is 1 ZILLION BILLION TIMES MORE INTERESTING THAN WATCHING THIS DATE OR 5 HOURS IN TOTAL OF A BACHELOR FINALE. Later, Lauren tells Arie why she loves him and how she’s so ready and unafraid of their future together. They talk about how they both envision drinking coffee in the morning and taking the dogs for a walk. Neither of them say where that will be, which seems like KIND OF an important detail for people from two different cities. But they love each other so much and that’s that.

Baby Alpaca with Becca

BECCA, ARIE LUYENDYK JR.

They try on drug rugs, go to a petting zoo basically and Arie spends the whole time comparing Becca to Lauren. What a dink. (Side note: taking one girl to see an amazing landmark and another one shopping at a farmers market should be illegal.) Later Becca confesses that she’s afraid of and threatened by Arie’s relationship with Lauren. Arie stutters don’t worry, just think about us. But like also says he’s feeling conflicted. This is a foreshadowing like no other. Becca presents a scrapbook to Arie that she made with a long message about her dad dying and pictures of all their dates and room for pictures of their baby. YIKES THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY. The biggest takeaway here is why is Becca still using her last initial to sign the scrapbook this far along?

In between commercial breaks, we’re treated to Chris Harrison gathering a smattering of kicked off contestants and dum dum bumbling bachelors past to offer their one sentence input on what we’ve seen so far. I wonder if when the show pitches 5 hours for a finale, they’re like we’re just going to ad lib for about a collective half hour with whoever will agree to appear. GREAT TV. It did give us this gem though…

Who knew Ben Higgins was funny?! Learn something new every day.

Arie picks out the ring probably not knowing who the hell is gonna be wearing it and does not have the common Bachelor(ette) courtesy of letting the loser down easy the night before or that morning so they don’t get all dolled up to get dumped.

Lauren is the first out of the limo and history is not on her side with that one. Lauren’s whole speech is about how she had her guard up because she was scared but in reality she loved him all along and can’t wait to love him forever. Arie says something has been holding him back and he can’t go through with it and he can’t explain it. He walks her out and Lauren goes, “Why did you do that?” and Arie says he didn’t know until that morning. Bullshit. In her car ride home Lauren questions, “how can you get down on one knee when you weren’t sure like, 3 hours ago?” Valid question, Lauren. VALID QUESTION.

Becca then emerges from the limo and we still have AN HOUR left. COME ON. I’ve now resorted to reading an actual book during the show and looking up every few minutes to see if I’ve missed something major. Becca’s speech is about how comfortable she is with Arie and how easy their relationship is. Becca gives Arie confidence and his love for her is immeasurable. He thinks about their kids and growing old together and he chooses her for every day for forever but wait…does he? The both celebrate and say it’s just us now! And talk about having babies. This is so totally cringeworthy and we haven’t even gotten to the “uncut breakup” yet.

Screen Shot 2018-03-05 at 11.20.03 PM

Chris steps in to tell us normally this is where the story ends BUT NOT TONIGHT. And we’re brought into the weeks after the proposal where Arie tells the camera that he wakes up every day thinking about Lauren and feels as though he’s made a mistake. He talks to Chris Harrison first of course, because ratings and says he’s made up his mind and wants to pull the switcheroo. Becca rolls up to an Air B&B expecting a romantic couples getaway in LA and she’s about to be dumped on camera. Not for nothing, but it should be a HUGE red flag that the proposal has happened and there’s still a camera crew following you around and asking you for confessionals. How is it possible that Becca is not suspicious of this? I feel like she’s gotta be more woke about this having just been on a reality show for that many months. Regardless, we’re then treated to like 30 mins of uncut exploitation of a girl getting her heart curbstomped. It’s excruciating. There’s literally no other way to describe it. Arie tells Becca he wants to see if there’s something still there with Lauren and then quite literally will not leave after he tells her he doesn’t want her. Becca says she’s done, goes into the bathroom to sob her face off and Arie’s like hey how’s it going in there? GET. LAWST. BRUH. He forces her to sit down and talk again because he’s the worst 40 year old human with grey sonic the hedgehog hair on this planet and finally after she tells him for the bazillionth time to leave, he gets the hint and peels out in search of a future full of “wow’s.”

Screen Shot 2018-03-05 at 11.19.07 PM

Cut to Becca onstage with Chris watching this brutal slaughtering once again with a live audience AS IF SHE DIDN’T ACTUALLY LIVE IT. Her and Arie haven’t spoken since the filmed breakup. And Chris is like well  do you want to see him? Because he’ll be on this stage tomorrow live and we’ll continue this WHOLE CHARADE! I hate everyone.

PS I’m interested to see what Lauren thinks of her current boyfriend telling the girl he proposed to (Becca) that he saw absolutely no future and had to force it with the girl he’s currently dating (Lauren.) Hey Arie, once it’s said on TV, it’s forever, baby.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – The One Where Ross Surprises Becca

After last week’s lead off with Arie and Kendall stuffing dead white mice in a creepy warehouse full of animal skins, I contemplated not only giving up on this season, but giving up on this trash ass franchise as a whole. Instead, I gave myself a break, didn’t subject myself to the hometown visits or the women tell all and I’m back at it for the final 2 episodes feeling rejuvenated after watching about 10 zillion hours of One Tree Hill in the past week. I’m ready to finish off this season with minimal interest and stories about myself. No need to update me on what I missed because it can be summed up in 30 seconds. Tia is gone, Arie still has 0.0% chemistry with the remaining plain bagels and apparently Krystal decided to start using her real voice once she saw how much America hated her. Ok, let’s bop to Ica, Peru for the final three smash suites.

Kendall

K-money laces up her hiking boots that match perfectly with her crop top. EYE. ROLL. It’s fitting that the girl who wears a crop top on every date is being questioned if she’s ready for marriage. Arie mauls her face in the middle of a desert and says that he missed her. A guy drives them around sand dunes and they act like they’re on a rollercoaster and giggle a lot. Kendall isn’t ready to get married so this is a GIANT waste of time. Déjà vu to hawt Peter from last season shooting himself in the foot in the same way. Kendall wants to know if Arie sees her as a wife in spite of the fact that she likes to manhandle dead animals. He answers by kissing her and inviting her to the fantasy suite. Kendall takes this time to give us a 20-minute speech as to why she’s decided to bone him. If this is any indication, we’re 15 mins into the ‘sode and already filling space. BUCKLE YO SEATBELTS.

In the morning, Arie said they were up all night talking. Ya, ok…TAWWWLKKKING. They discuss about how they each like their eggs and all I can think of is Date Mike and it’s more entertaining than anything that has ever happened on this show.

date mike

Lauren

Real talk, does Lauren have a pulse? Because honestly the only time I’ve seen these two bozos together there’s just complete silence. WTF is their relationship? Basically Lauren is just terrified and Arie only knows how to say yeah. Arie spends the evening portion of the date reassuring Lauren and convincing her that she should be there. He says he loves her and obviously she doesn’t say much back because she’s basically a mute. For the record, “Don’t cry, I love you” is probably one of the ickiest sentences ever uttered. Lauren says from the beginning her and Arie have had this unspoken connection. Um, could it be because they actually don’t speak to each other? A shitty version of Leann Rimes “How Do I Live” plays as Arie and Lauren make out then find their way to the bed. So apparently we’re watching an episode of a 90’s teen soap now. How do I live through another episode of this, amirite? The next morning, Lauren says, “I can’t see Arie ending up with anyone else but me.” KISS OF DEATH, LAUREN, KOD.

Becca

Becca hasn’t said she loves Arie yet and she’s decided to hold onto that tidbit until later in the date. Someone should tell Becca that Arie already told the mute he loves her. Time to catch up or get off the catamaran. She finally grows a set and tells him. He says back that he’s also in love. UGH WHAT A DUM DUM. When will these bholes learn that girls who are insecure about you dating other girls at the same time WILL NOT BE OKAY WITH YOU TELLING MULTIPLE GIRLS YOU LOVE THEM? The answer is obviously never. Arie says he wants to propose to Becca right now and end it. So like, does he actually love Lauren orrrrr?

Screen Shot 2018-02-26 at 9.36.50 PM

In attempts to stir up any sort of drama and wake us all up, Becca’s ex Ross shows up at Arie’s doorstep dressed for a summer wedding. Arie goes “why is hotel management here?” Sick roast, Air-y. Ross tells Arie that Becca is the love of his life and he wants to marry her. Becca hears him out on the front steps of her bungalow before she promptly tells Ross that life isn’t like the Notebook. Wait, so you’re telling me Ryan Gosling will not build me a house and wait for me to find him then make sweet, sweet love to me in it? Well let me just go kill myself real quick. Either way, Becca is not having it. Especially when Ross says he talked to “that guy” whose name he can’t recall. That’s when she really lays down the hammer. Ross, you done goofed. He says he wishes her the best and has no business being here.

idiot

(PS he’ll be insta-famous by sundown tonight.)

Arie is concerned that someone he’s about to propose to has too much baggage named Ross. Good thing he kept his options open by saying he loves and sees a future with two girls. At the rose ceremony, Arie pulls Kendall aside to talk to her and break up with her in the most uncomfortable way possible. He basically thanks her for that amazing night of “talking” and then says he doesn’t know. We all know, Arie. Even Kendall was like yeah I get it, thanks for the memz. If Kendall ends up Bachelorette and we’re in for a whole season of animal carcass touchin, you can count me ALL THE WAY OUT.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – On the Precipice of Falling in Love

Tuscany

Jacqueline is at a point where she feels like she could make the decision to fall in love.

Jason-Segel-Oh-Honey-On-How-I-Met-Your-Mother

Let’s Fall in Love Under the Tuscan Sun with Becca

Screen Shot 2018-02-12 at 8.37.57 PM

They drive an old hot rod into town and Arie shows us he sucks at Italian when he orders a loaf of bread. On their picnic, Becca reassures Arie that she likes him and is here for him. WHY?! He should be reassuring you instead of giving you literally nothing and speaking shitty Italian!

Later, Becca reassures Arie more by saying she’s falling for him and wants him to meet her family and he’s like thank you, here’s a rose. I really genuinely like Becca and therefore I hope that she doesn’t end up with Arie. She does make me doubt her choices when she takes her shoes off outside to make out with Arie against a wall.

In subplot that makes me go WTF this week…Jacqueline cries to Kendall that she has doubts about how feasible this relationship is. But really, she’s using words like feasible and precipice to decode if she likes Arie or not. Go home, Jacqueline, you’re drunk. It’s aggressive that this is made into a do or die storyline but I guess this is what happens when your only villain gets kicked off. Jacqueline goes to Arie’s room, swigs his wine, rubs the back of his head and tells him she’s not confident in her feelings for him. After one date, Jacqueline doesn’t want to be married to Arie and living in Scottsdale. Then she grabs his face so hard and kisses it, I’m actually afraid. We are witnessing the worst part about this show. Put a bunch of women on TV to fight for a guy’s affection and let all of their relationship insecurities run wild. WOOF. Not for nothing, but I noticed as J was manhandling Arie’s head that she’s wearing a claddagh ring facing inward. So like, maybe go home to your boyfriend. Either way, forcefully making out with Arie, sobbing, and incessantly touching her hair isn’t helping her create feelings for this dud, so she bids the pack adieu.

This Looks so Italian! with Lauren B

Screen Shot 2018-02-12 at 9.21.25 PM

They ride bikes and Arie shows off by standing on his bike probably trying to get any sort of reaction out of Lauren. She smiles and says nothing. Stop trying to kill yourself to impress Lauren, it’s never going to happen, Arie. Over some native ‘za, Lauren expresses that Arie would be the first guy introduced to her parents since her ex fiancé. Pressure’s on. Little bambinos kick the soccer ball at Arie to interrupt this incredibly awkward convo and Arie’s like HEY, LET’S JOIN THESE STREET CHILDREN WITHOUT AN INVITE. As my friend Kristi pointed out, Lauren then has to play soccer in a strapless bra, which is pretty much the worst thing that could happen in Italy, or like anywhere

At dinz, Lauren B says she’s starting to fall in love and Arie literally just peaces out. Like gets up and walks away from her. I’m secondhand mortified for LB. The first time she speaks more than 4 words and he’s like BYEEEEE. One time a guy in a bar walked away from me and when he returned he admitted that he farted and needed to take a lap to air it out. Upon Arie’s return he said he needed to walk away because he’s falling deeply in love with Lauren. It’d be much more acceptable if he too needed to walk upwind of his gas. MAJOR BACHELOR FAUX PA. Remember when sweet, dumb, unlovable Ben Higgins told two girls he loved them? That went real well. Jus sayin.

Pups in a Winery with Seinne

Blah, blah, blah, Seinne is WAY TOO good for Arie and therefore this date is super pointless. They make heart shaped pizzas, which is a perfect segue for me to tell a story about myself (again.) When I was studying abroad in Florence like the white privileged basic betch that I am, I learned how to put away an entire pizza, plus a lot of Carlsberg beers, plus a lot of kebabs. Most importantly, I learned that if I went to Gusta pizza and the boys made me a heart-shaped pizza, I was looking like a dime that day. If I came in hungover and unshowered, I could expect a regular ass circle pie like the human garbage that I was. Bottom line, I hope Seinne appreciated that heart shaped pizza. Mi Manchi, Gusta. (Yes, I Google translated that because 3 years of Italian and a semester in Italy and I retained absolutely nothing.) Also, of course Arie sends her home. All the girls are so shocked, especially the elf on the shelf/Bill Cosby/Gilligan/Fat Albert/Jeopardy Guy, etc.

 

The Other Three “Date”

Arie says, “Ciao, Ciao, Ciao” giving me hard flashbacks to when every creeper Italian on this earth would shout Ciao Bella at me in a rapey way. Bekah is not having a great outfit episode. She goes from her triple XL red sweater with a white collared shirt to Little House on the Prairie. Tia has concerns for Arie wanting to be called Daddy by a 22 year old who dresses like a monk and what that might mean for her relationship. Credit where credit’s due though, Tia also tells Bekah she talked mad shit. Bekah sobs and runs right into Arie’s arms for cuddles & comforts and possibly a quick lullaby. After she calms down, Arie wants to know about her family because he knows they disapprove of this process. Bekah chooses not to disclose that her mom disapproved so much that she reported her own child missing. Bekah says she’s getting white hairs because she’s like, so old. No…really. And then, OUTTA LEFT FIELD, Kendall gets the first rose!

An outfit change later, Bekah tells Arie, “Have a little faith in my 22-year-old self.” She gets sent home. Arie cries about not seeing their lives together but also because he really, really wanted to bone Bekah.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Au revoir Baby Voice

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 10.31.38 PM

Chris Harrison: Welcome to paris, Man!

Arie: Thanks, Dude

#BROMANCE.

Something French with Lauren B.

Arie tells Lauren he was saving this date for her. Which seems like a real load of bullshit. They take a walking tour of the city (what a special date to save) and Lauren says wow a bunch of times. She is a less talkative Lauren B from Ben Higgins’ season. The B stands for boring and that’s obvious. Arie comes off a little desperate for someone who’s dating 10 other girls right now. He says he’s looking for reassurance from Lauren that she likes him. He can’t stop repeating in different variations that he has a boner for her but there’s not a lot of brain activity happening up top.

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 8.19.44 PM

At dinner, Lauren confesses that she friend zones everyone and doesn’t feel like she can open up until she trusts someone. So like this certainly is not the show for her. Arie in turn confesses that he knocked up his last serious girlfriend. She lost the baby and left him all at the same time. For once, Lauren B reacts with something other than “wow.” Kind of an unexpected turn of events to slip that story in there, Arie. The shocking story helps Lauren to open up a little more and therefore get rosed.

Let’s Get All Dressed Up with Becca, Bekah, Seinne, Tia, Jenna & Chelsea

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 10.32.29 PM

It’s this season’s choreography date where the dancers crush it and the awkward birds (like me) look like spazzoids and probably cry about it! Good thing the Bachelor doesn’t allow fatties to participate because the girls all suit up in two piece bedazzled thongs for the Moulin Rouge main act. Black boxes GALORE covering up all these bholes. After Arie inspects each individual buhhole strutting across the stage, he hangs with all the girls before announcing which HPOA gets the rose and stage time. It’s Bekah, you know the one whose known to not call her mom and end up on a missing persons list? She sobs it up like an itty bitty baby. A missing one, at that. In a brutal turn of events, all of the rejects have to watch Bekah shake her 22-year-old T&A all over Arie from the audience.

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 10.31.52 PM

We’ll Always Have Paris with Kendall & Krystal

This is what happens when you only have one villain for a two on one date. We get the most random match up ever. Arie goes into the giant maze and whichever girl finds him first gets time with him. What a tactic. I for one would’ve just left right there. One time I did a corn maze with my friend that was set up for children and we were in there for hours freaking out that we may never resurface again. The sun was starting to set. There might have been tears and a whole lot of panic. When we finally emerged at dusk, the smartass teenager running it ROASTED us in front of everyone and basically told us we were mentally challenged. So yeah, if any man asked me to find him in a maze I’d chuck up my deuces immediately. Lucky for Kendall, who ends up back at the beginning, a PA steers her in the right direction and she’s found Arie by the time the commercial break is over.

Krystal blubbers a whole lot of um’s to Arie about how they’re connecting and working through a challenge then uses her remaining time to say Kendall shouldn’t be there and isn’t ready for love. In typical 2 on 1 date fashion, Arie then repeats this verbatim to Kendall to see how she’ll handle it. She holds her own then tries to kill Krystal with kindness after and tell her that she understands her and sees the beauty within her. It’s super weird and gives me all the uncomfies. Probably because Kendall literally scoots closer to touch Krystal’s arm while that little baby porny voiced B stares up at the sky with dead eyes. It’s not a part of her snakey script so she cannot comprehend what’s happening.

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 10.34.22 PM

The date is extended to dinner because Arie can’t decide. He finally gives Kendall the rose because he “sees more promise in their relationship.” YOU GOT SERVED, KRYSTAL. BOOYAH. Her fake ass monologue about wanting to feel accepted and good enough plays in between cuts of Kendall and Arie watching the Eiffel Tower light show and jamming their tongues down each other’s throats. Again, not to brag but I knew Krystal had one more week left in her before she was tossed. It’s like this show is scripted or something. HMMMMM.

Let’s Meet Jaqueline for the first time before she probably gets sent home…

We are mere seconds into the date and the one whose studying to get her PHD SAYS THIS?! RLY?! “It is hot when guys who know things about things, do things about things.” Arie buys Jacqueline a fancy dress to wear to their dinner date where he admits that she’s far too intelligent for him. HEY GIRL, THAT’S A RED FLAG. ARIE IS DUMB. AND INTIMIDATED BY YOUR SMARTNESS. AND WANTS A GIRL TO MOVE TO LA WITH AND PROMOTE SHIT ON INSTAGRAM. When J-Dawg talks about her 6 year plan of getting her PHD, Arie tells her that he feels like he’s holding her back. She then quickly offers to do whatever in order to date him. And this is a role model for you, ladies! Dream, schreams, if a guy chooses you, that’s all that matters! Woof this date is cringeworthy, especially when Arie gives her the rose and says they’ll figure it out. Start researching Fit Tea!

Roses: Lauren, Bekah, Kendall, Jaqueline, Tia, Seinne, Becca

Guess Arie doesn’t want to be a dad, see ya Chelsea! Next up, Tuscany!

PS The editing team tries to throw one hell of a sizzle reel together to fake us all out into believing that this show might actually get interesting this season. I’m gonna go ahead and spoil it for you, it won’t.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Investing In Myself

REBECCA, ARIE LUYENDYK JR.

Florida stuff with Chelsea

They yacht it up and then Chelsea straddles Arie on a jetski while the ladies watch from the balcony with a telescope like masochistic peeping toms. They’re all feeling very victimized by this makeout session that they’re spying on.

Later Chelsea talks about falling for a sugar daddy basically, sorry—she called him, “older and more successful.” They were together 7 years and he peaced out when her son was 6 months old for another girl who he married and had a kid with. YIKES THAT SUCKS. That’s my reaction to this story, Arie’s reaction is an exaggerated pout and some croc tears. Ok, bro. He roses her because “he’s proud she’s here.” Why are words such a difficult feat for this man? They dance to a not famous country singer that Chelsea pretends to be stoked to see.

chelsea

Maquel makes her triumphant return after some family time, wasn’t really expecting her to be allowed back. Seems kind of like one of those situations where you leave for good because you’re 23 and probably weren’t a big contender anyway plus like you just had a family member die. But whatevs.. in other news, Tia has no makeup on and looks like a completely different person. I prefer her fresh faced, why cake on the makeup, girl?

There’s Not a Moment to Spare with Maquel, Krystal, Becca, Bekah, Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline & Lauren B

lick

Arie licks a bowling ball. TONGUE ON BALL. I didn’t think anything could be grosser than wearing used shoes everyone else has shoved their sweaty hamhocks into until I saw Arie lick a bowling ball. BB Licker then spends the rest of this date acting like he’s in 8th grade at his first boy/girl birthday party. He utters the line “It’s getting hot in this bowling alley” and my eyes roll out the window and down the street. Then one of the girls does an inapprops (she censors out “whore”) cheer to the other team and Arie’s reaction is OMG THAT WAS AMAAAAZING. Seriously are we sure Arie ever learned how to flirt? The deal is the winning team gets to go to the after party and the losers can kick rocks. Obviously since Arie has no backbone he immediately feels bad about this and decides to invite everyone. Krystal has a full-on meltdown and calls Arie a liar and says she’ll never trust him again so she won’t go to the party (all in a very suspicious off-camera bus ride back from the date.) Apparently all her stuff is packed but she wants to talk about leaving instead of actually leaving. The ladies all narc to Arie and he’s like this is awkward better go check on her, see ya later ladies! He scolds Krystal and tells her to stay upstairs in timeout and think about what she’s done.

When Arie returns, he makes out with Bekah and pets her head like a dog the whole time. Krystal puts on a face and dress to join the party that she previously took a dump all over. Bekah immediately puts her in her place and sends her straight back up to the chokey before Arie can see her. Lauren B and her 21 (more like 3 stoopid) Q’s got the rose, I think?

Everglades with Tia

Pretty much zoned out through this whole date because nothing very interesting happened. They cruise through a gator swamp and talk about froggin because apparently Arie thinks Tia is a walking southern hick stereotype. Joke’s on you MF’er, she’s got her doctorate. Also she announces that she’s falling in love with Arie and he grabs her face and makes her look him in the eye when she says it. UNCOMFY ALERT. She gets rosed.

Cocktail Party

Krystal tries to defend herself for being a giant twatmuffin on the date as she says “I was investing in myself and growing from the challenge. I was discovery.” Same, girl. I do that every weekend when I lay on the couch too. Just growing and investing in myself. Being discovery. I’ve decided that one producer was assigned to F with Krystal (as they usually are on this show, thanks UnReal) and tell her to make a speech at each cocktail party so that she looks stupid and everyone hates her. She catches the girls gossiping about her and lets them each take her aside to talk. Obviously it’s difficult to talk to a psycho and these little side chats don’t go swimmingly. She takes her lies to Arie and tries to tell him she had an out of character response because the bowling alley reminded her of her garbage childhood. Arie only half buys it. After she pulls the cutesy “our first fight!” line and he goes it could be our last fight, I was like YASSSSS and then I quickly reminded myself that there’s no way he will send her home and it made me hate him even more.

Roses: Chelsea, Lauren B, Tia, Bekah, Seinne, Kendall, Becca, Jaqueline, Jenna, & Krystal

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Glam Shaming

the-bachelor

So I came in 20 minutes late tonight…sue me. It’s exhausting to carve two hours out of my life every Monday. (Apparently I missed Maquel leaving…was the reason dramatic or what? Fill me in.)

I started watching where Arie takes Sienne to the Hard Rock Café, what a hawt date spot. Sienne gives some real talk about growing up learning that love is hard and not always easy and that made her a hardass bitch. She also tosses in some intelligent thought about race and how it scares her that the other girls (whites) might have a better chance at this love story. Sienne is smart AF. Too smart for this show, DEFINITELY too smart for this dum dum Arie who can’t string words together, so obviously she gets the rose. Girl deserves so much better than a hokey chain restaurant known for t-shirts and guitars hanging on the walls. LANCO serenades them with the “Greatest Love Story” and it’s just movie magic. 

Will Our Love Survive with Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jaqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany & Caroline

A silver fox Green Beret and his wife teach the girls that survival is necessary in the woods, which apparently means peeing in a S’Well waterbottle and then drinking it. DEDICATION. How did you find your wife? She drank her own piss and ate a few earthworms. LOLZ, JK GUYZ! Turns out it was just apple juice that Arie did an over the top spit take with. This show is so goddamn stupid. And sad. I would never drink my own piss for a guy. Have some standards, ladies. After tossing back bugs and swapping spit, they form teams and have to navigate through the forest with their backpacks. The team with Arie on it gets lifted over every branch and rock so THAT SEEMS UNFAIR. The conclusion of “bitches trying to use a compass in light snow” is of course some hot springs (aka Nature’s hot tub.) In the steamy waters, Krystal tries to crawl into Arie’s lap and natch everyone calls her out until he swims to the center with no one sitting on his hot tub boner. Krystal calls this “so high school.” Wow I wish I went to a high school where 14 girls fought over a guy in a hot tub. I feel like the pregnancy statistics might’ve spiked.

Later on, Krystal really wants to hammer it home that everyone else is lame and she’s amazing and perfect. It’s exhausting for her to watch other girls try and she hopes Arie sees through their bullshit. I can’t stop laughing out loud every time this asshole speaks. Lauren B chats with Arie and asks what he’s looking for other than someone with a flexible schedule. Is that a requirement for any Bachelor winner? “I’m looking for a girl who wants to move to LA and work her schedule around my Dancing with the Stars appearance,” should be the tagline of the show. Lauren B gets it. Kendall and Arie’s “chemistry is off the charts and completely unexpected” hmm, maybe because she travels with dead animals that she’s named? IS THAT WHY you’re questioning your attraction to her?! Once Krystal opens her dumb mouth again we’re treated to a SLEW of bitch talking from the other contestants and I’m LIVING for all of the other girls impression of Krystal’s porny baby voice, More, more, MORE! Krystal obviously plays the victim with Arie and he falls for it so hard.

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 9.21.31 PM

Krystal then takes Caroline and Tia aside to tell them her feelings were hurt by them making fun of her and Arie trying to canoodle in the hot tub. They’re like really, dude? And she replies I was really uncomfortable getting the one on one so early. Lolololol. Who says that. For someone who typically hates the biddy drama on this show, I would watch Caroline and Tia team up and serve cold, hard doses of real talk on a show any day. Tia storms off to find Arie and I’m rooting for her until she goes “I don’t know, this is just f’ing hard, dude.” Tia. Call Krystal dude all you want. Do not call the guy you’re trying to date dude. Cut the shit. Tia gets the rose so I guess I need to start calling guys I like “dude.”

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 9.13.55 PM

Babysitting with Bekah

Arie likes Bekah because she’s mature and full of wisdom. So we’re really going to build up to this age reveal. They ride horses up to a hot tub so they can touch each other in a more acceptable setting. Arie talks about a car crash where he flipped a bunch of times and broke his collarbone. I actually appreciate this story because I was starting to forget that Arie actually had a badass career at one point and wasn’t always stumbling over his words with an infant in the hot tub.

Later Arie asks if Bekah is ready for marriage (if the time is right or she’s with the right person.) And she’s like I’ve never been with the right person and the time has never been right. Ok, smartass. He’s like no…in life. BASICALLY ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED? And she finally reveals that she’s 22. And Arie’s like FUCK. (Actual reaction below.)

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 9.49.39 PM

He basically tries to push her away before anything happens and she’s like nah let’s do this. “There’s no guarantees in love,” says the BBgirl who is guaranteed to not be ready for marriage and start poppin’ out kids tout suite for this 37 year old guy. He gives a long speech about how worried he is but then that turns into how much he wants to keep kissing her, therefore here’s a rose. WHAT AN IDIOT. Props to Bekah for that spin zone though. She’s like we all know nothing, such is life. Take a chance you big wiener. And Arie was like K.

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 9.49.48 PM

Chris Harrison interrupts Krystals’ 100th fake AF speech to the other ladies about valuing every experience to drop the hammer that the cocktail party is CANCELLED. Arie knows what he needs to do and Krystal has a pretty large dump in her sparkly cocktail dress. She obviously steals Arie before he can hand out a rose. She wants to tell him that she feels a connection with him or something. I don’t even know because she whispers everything like there aren’t cameras on her filming her every snakey move.

Roses: Sienne, Tia, Bekah, Lauren, Kendall, Ashley, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh & Krystal OF COURSE

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – I’m Getting Dumber

The episode starts off with a ladytestant saying, “How’s everyone feeling today?” And from the sea of bitches, one solo Valley girl dramatic voice sounds, “I’m emotionally and physically DRAINED.” Are the girls trolling now? This girl whose name I can’t possibly remember didn’t actually say that in that way and be taken seriously, right? HERE WE GO.

It’s All About the Ring with Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B, Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibiana, and Krystal

Screen Shot 2018-01-15 at 8.28.07 PM

This is the GLOB (Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor wrestling) date. WOW. G-L-O-B. You’ve really outdone yourself, ABC. Today’s guests are two wrestlers from GLOW…a legit acronym and something more appeasing to the ear than GLOB. These OG wrestlers (like pre-Total Divas) harass the ladies for laughing and insult them with the intent of pulling out their wrestler attitude. Except oops, it backfires with Tia and Bibz, who can’t take the heat and leave the ring crying. The gals are like SEE YA, YOU WEAK GLOBS OF SHIT. Of COURSE Bekah’s the cool chick trying to become a pro wrestler and loving every minute of the date.

Ya boy Kenny comes back to slam Arie around the ring as the opening act while a bunch of these dum dums in shitty costumes watch from the sidelines. Highlights from the girls fighting: Bekah the black skank cat vs. Maquel the hideous lunch lady who beats her with a literal lunch tray. Krystal is a leopard of course. And Marikh pulled bills out of Lauren B’s underwear.

marikhwrestling

Later, Krystal makes out with him first then asks if she should be aggressive or hang back at group dates. Arie told her to be herself so she took that as, be an asshole. Bibiana complains about Krystal. Bekah talks about how breakups are good because it helps her eat better and hit the gym. Did I mention that I find her INCREDIBLY annoying? Her and Krystal can kick rocks. Ugh. Bekah gets the rose.

You Had Me At Merlot with Lauren S.

“I think it’s going to be a date about wine” MY BRAIN CELLS HAVE MELTED AWAY.

Lauren and Arie drink wine in a vineyard and talk about their early bedtimes because they’re getting old. No, Arie. You’re getting old.

Later, Arie asks what “came to coming here” for Lauren, and she replies with 15 different stories that don’t tie together. Ramble city, population: one of the Laurens. She admits finally that she feels like she’s not being herself and he’s making her nervous for no reason. So that’s a weird way to call curtains on all that word vomit. Arie grabs the rose to be like I can’t give you this because I don’t even know. But really. That’s what he said. He tells the camera the spark isn’t there. Probably because he wanted his ears to fall off. Cut to the MOST DRAMATIC suitcase pull ever and Caroline dissolving into a pile of tears. It’s week three. Calm yourself, Iago.

Love is Ruff with Ashley, Becca, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea & Annaliese

ASHLEY, BRITTANY, REBECCA, CAROLINE, CHELSEA, ARIE LUYENDYK JR., ANNALIESE, JENNA

We’ve got a dog “show” on this date. Would’ve been a much better date to just have a giant puppy pile but who am I to judge. Count Analiese out for any puppy interaction because of course we have another traumatic flashback to her almost losing her eye to a dog bite as a child. In quick summary, all of the ladies suck at wrangling pups onstage. Not even Fred Willard’s commentary can save this dog shit date, and that’s a true shame.

That evening, Annaliese has a traumatic experience with Arie. She doesn’t get kissed. And Chelsea interrupts her for a smooch. One day we will watch a black and white flashback about this with a sad heartbroken soundtrack. Chelsea gets the rose.

Cocktail Party

Bibiana bitches about not getting time still because that’s what she was put on this show to do. Bekah tells Arie that he likes her because she doesn’t need him. His response is, “You’re kind of nailin the, nailin the…nailin it.” Good talk. You’re getting flustered by a 13 year old, Arie. Seriously, check her ID already and get this over with.

Analiese asks for a kiss and Arie replies “I just don’t think we’re there yet.” AWKWARD. Then makes out with the taxidermy chick. DOUBLE YIKES. The girls coach Analiese to go back and put him on the spot and he’s forced to dump her pre-roses.

Roses: Bekah, Chelsea, Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren, Brittany, Becca, Seinne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh

BYE, BIBZZ.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Sleep with One Eye Open

s22e2

Hold on Tight with Becca K

Arie picks up Becca, hops on a hog and goes “so you just have to hold onto me ok?” Gawd, do they create every sort of sexual dating fantasy for every girl? I went three months in Italy thinking I was legitimately going to meet an Italian and he would take me for a spin on his vespa around the Tuscan countryside. Guess what I did instead? I spent three months getting drunk at a bar with 5 euro beers, talking to other Americans and eating a kebab every night before bed. So it’s safe to say I already hate Becca for this date. Krystal confesses to everyone back at the ranch that she’s seen a lot of body parts scattered from motorcycle accidents so THANK GOD she wasn’t on that date, because it would NOT HAVE BEEN OK. Nothing like replying to hold me tight with “I hope you don’t lose your torso when we both get smeared across the highway.”

becca

Remember when I was jelly of this date just from the motorcycle ride? Well it gets worse. They arrive at a mansion where Rachel Zoe is there and Arie acts like he knows who the F she even is. Becca does a movie montage fashion show for Arie while he drinks champagne and twirls her in each dress. And whatdya know, she looks good in EVERYTHING. So she gets to keep them all. He then gets on one knee and gives her Louboutins. Is this a dating show or did she just get gifted a million dollar wardrobe? Neil Lane, not to be outdone by Rachel Zoe, is like Becca, frost yourself with my jewels and now it’s just getting creepy that Arie wants to deck her out like a Barbie on their first date. Be more materialistic. She shows off all her riches to the other girls and one’s reaction is “they’re going to get married.” Ah to be the dumbass that thinks whoever gets you the most designer duds MUST be your husband. True love.

“Becca lights up the entire room all by herself” says Arie, but yet he still felt the need to completely give her a makeover for a simple dinner date. (Bitter, table for one.) He keeps explaining that he just wanted to spoil Becca but like why? I hope it’s not lost on her that he’s spoiling her with ABC’s money… They talk about his past experiences and if he can change her brakes so she can stop spending money on a mechanic. He can. Becca’s last relationship was an on and off 7 year relationship and PS her dad died. Despite that sad hiccup, Arie and Becca have like the best first date ever and that’s gotta SUCK to have 21 other girls get to date and smooch him after that.

Home is Where the Heart Is with Krystal

They fly to Arie’s home of Scottsdale, AZ because apparently something about Krystal’s porny voice said, I should bring this girl home on our first date. Of course he brings her to his high school and points out his first jobs and she just stares with her mouth open, basically. He shows off his home, where they look at photos and watch home videos and Arie pretends to be embarrassed even though he set this whole date up. And then my worst nightmare came true, he brought a girl he’s had one conversation with home to meet his entire family. On WHAT PLANET IS THIS NORMAL?! Not for nothing but Krystal and Arie’s mom don’t NOT look exactly alike if you know what I mean.

Screen Shot 2018-01-08 at 9.32.38 PM

At dinner, Krystal decides to unload about her shitty upbringing and how she took care of her brother, who is now homeless. After she describes her brother being attacked while living on the streets and having leathery skin and singed hair, she’s like so does that scare you? RUN, ARIE. RUN. They make out and slow dance to a singer whose name I already forgot. More importantly, Krystal rubs her head all over Arie’s shoulder while they’re dancing like she’s a cat trying to get a head scratch. The next morning, Krystal doesn’t want to tell the vultures all about her date and therefore they want to skin her alive.

Let’s Hit Love Head On with Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G, Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Seinne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana and Chelsea

annaliese-puccini

We’ve got ourselves a little demolition derby where the girls decorate their own cars and then smash the shit out of each other. Annaliese can’t stop hysterically crying out of fear before the derby because she had a traumatic bumper car experience. What about children crashing their cars into each other and getting whiplash as a carnival ride ISN’T TRAUMATIC? Props to producers for giving us a dramatic flashback to a faceless child in a bumper car like she’s been abducted or something. Arie comforts Annaliese and doesn’t call her an idiot, which she deserved to be called for sobbing over bumper cars. We soon learn it was all bullshit (don’t sleep on Annaliese for being calculated) because the minute the derby starts she’s slamming into people left and right. She must have felt SUH much better after getting extra time with Arie to dry those tears. Seinne wins. Haven’t heard her speak until this moment, basically but good for her.

Screen Shot 2018-01-08 at 9.02.50 PM

Brittany injured herself from ramming up everyone’s bhole’s in her car so she can’t make the night portion. The girls pretend to be sad. Chelsea steals Arie first to reveal that she has a three-year-old son and asks Arie how he feels about that. He’s like I basically only date single mothers so yeah it’s chill. Hey Arie, why you tryin to play dad so hard? Let’s reflect on that. Seinne turns out to be the smart, cultured girl who doesn’t seem like an asshole (YET). She went to Yale and studied abroad in Brazil and Italy. Arie’s like I worked at a Pizza Hut LOLERZ. Bibz yaps all night about how she can’t have any time with Arie, so obviously we all brace ourselves for a fiery meltdown, which does not disappoint as she screams don’t f’ing touch me and storms away from the group. Now I REALLY regret going in so strong on her in my predictions. I let lust get the best of me, obviously. Speaking of lust, Arie and Bekah make out for an obscene amount of time and it’s beginning to gross me out. She’s basically a 12 year old boy. I’m concerned for Arie. Sienne gets the rose.

Cocktail Party

Brittany gets the first chat and Arie wants to check to see if she’s braindead/give her a computer printout of a fake certificate for her effort trying to kill everyone on their date. Bekah and Arie tongue more. All of the rejects who still haven’t talked to Arie band together to take down Krystal whose being greedy AF and won’t leave him alone. She’s already asking him if he missed her, Ughghghghghgh GROSS. And she’s all, I didn’t even tell the other girls that I saw your house!!!! Want a cookie, bitch? Obviously Krystal triggers me and I can’d decide if it’s her voice or…it’s definitely her voice. 100%. Bibz flips the F out on her because obviously Bibiana is the spicy latina who will have no issues popping off and speaking her mind even though she basically hasn’t tried with Arie at all. Either way, expect these two to feud it out for at least another week.

Rose Ceremony: Becca, Krystal, Seinne, Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S, Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B, Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, Bibiana

Jenny(?) storms by Arie like a drama queen instead of saying goodbye. Since he’s 37 and not 5, he follows her out to have a civil conversation about it. She’s like I’m not sad about you SEE YAAAA and squirms out of his hug. Oh, honey.

Standard