Weekly JUice

Week of 8/15/16

1. What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Lie about being robbed at the Olympics, apparently. It’s a real shame his reality show got cancelled because ratings would have soared through the roof for this shit.


Ryan Lochte, the bro who showed up with frosted hair, wore grillz at his gold medal ceremony and trademarked the catchphrase “Jeah”, claims he was robbed at gunpoint and when the robber told him to get on the ground he turned into Duane, otherwise known as Kimmy Gibbler’s hamlet and cheese.


Then he skipped on outta Rio with his lady friend. Not so fast, RyRy because it seems like you messed with the wrong corrupt country. Rio smelled a rat and yanked Lochte’s swimming  buddies off their plane to question them. Can you imagine having to be a sidekick to Ryan Lochte and then ON TOP OF THAT, getting held back in a country that had dead bodies washing up on the shores just because you had a few too many beers and decided to go along with your drunk friend’s dumb story?! The real events have finally surfaced today and it entails drunk bros vandalizing a gas station bathroom. So it turns out Lochte was just getting in front of the story. What looks really bad? Headlines about American Olympians (some might say heroes) going on a boozy tirade at a gas station. What looks really good? Them getting robbed at gunpoint and surviving. Round of applause for that spin zone, Ryan. You really sold it AKA you created a conflict between Rio and the US, made your buddies pay to leave the country and now look like an even bigger doofus than you did before.

grillz PS If you & your boys wear Yeezy’s out on the town in Rio and brag about it on social media, you 100% deserve to be robbed at gunpoint forrealz.
lochte yeezy

Double PS, my very last final in college (shout-out to Olympics class) was the question “What is Ryan Lochte’s catchphrase?” So not to brag but I have a college degree AND I once bubbled in “C: Jeah” for an actual grade. This seemed like a fitting time to toss that story into the mix, because it’s embarrassing, but not quite as humiliating as making up a crime and creating an international incident over it.

2. Whatever, Simone Biles.

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I mean the minute this bid started yapping about how much she LOVED Zac Efron and had a fullsize cutout of him (creep, much?) I was like yeah some talk show is going to cash in on having them meet. I didn’t think they would fly Zac out to the actual Olympics, but whatever. Hey Simone, you just won a bajillion gold medals…LEAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US. Ugh, whatever. Not bitter or anything. But like seriously? The video is pushing it. We get it. You guys kissed a lot for Instagram. Call me when he sticks his tongue down your throat.

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on cloud 9 💙☁️ @zacefron

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3. Biebz is off the grid. I’ve been saying it ever since Biebs went in on fans taking his picture and strolled barefoot around the Boston Common…pop your popcorn because he’s on the fast track to a Britney/Lohan/Amanda Bynes worthy meltdown. It always starts with the fame-hating and spirals from there. Some take it to head-shaving levels, others tweet about Drake murdering their vag. To each his own. It seems as though we’ve got a classic case of everyone stop judging my life and I for one can’t wait to see where this goes.

To catch up anyone who doesn’t follow tween drama–Biebs has been whoring out Lionel Ritchie’s daughter, Sophie (who is basically Kylie Jenner 2.0) and he’s getting pretty sad panda that no one wants to see his latest bae vomited all over InstaG. So he threatened to delete and that’s when Selena hopped in to be like hey guess what no one wants to see your bang buddies, stop being so dramats, your fans love you. Obviously there was some bickering via Instagram comments. Justin replied with, you used me for fame (no disrespect) and there were some cheating allegations tossed back and forth. Realistically this part was like watching your trashy high school friends air their dirty laundry on a facebook status and everyone weighing in on it. It was entertaining for like 3 minutes then we all decided to go out and live our lives. Then Biebs deleted his Insta and Selena’s all:


(Cue the Selena H8) WHOA. THE THREATS WERE REAL. BIEBS IS OUT. No more pics of his hoes in different area codes for us! WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT THEM?! Rejoice in the fact that we’re one step closer to a Bieber Meltdown, THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO.

4. Can Ryan Cabrera replace Biebs?

As one of the OG boytoys with spiky hair, I’d much prefer to have Ryan back on the scene and Biebs off. This song sounds kinda like something JB would drop, except I actually like Ryan, so I will listen to this on repeat for the rest of the month and hope that once he gets off his My2K tour, he’s back in our lives for good. Bonus points: this island beat makes me believe summer will last forever. HORNZ ON HORNZ. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO FULL SONG.

5. The ChadBear will do more than shit his pants on TV. 


I guess Chad didn’t want his lasting legacy to be taking a dump directly in his shorts on Bachelor in Paradise, so somehow he’s secured a cameo on the upcoming ABC Family sensational hit: Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After. Does it make any sense? Of course not, and there you have the reasoning behind every paid appearance from a Bachelor(ette) alum, ever. Probably one of the smartest PR moves to be made though. That show was a shoe-in to be a dud and now that people hear Chad’s name associated with it, it will be appointment television. I’m already locked in to see what will go down. Call me a sucker for Chad, I don’t care, I’m all in–especially considering the only time Ben and Chad have ever been brought up in the same sentence was this:



Weekly JUice

Week of 6/20/16

1. She got an LA face with dat Oakland Booty. That movie where Blake Lively gets attacked by a shark has finally premiered, which means Blake is back in the spotlight showing off her bangin wardrobe/bod/life and making me drool uncontrollably. Enjoy her top looks from this week while I scheme ways to recreate all of them. PS she addressed her “controversial” insta caption of a rap lyric and was like all hail curves, na’sayin? Thank you Blake, for being a voice for all of those Oakland booties all over the world (me.)








2. Solo Styles. I mean I guess this isn’t really news but Harry has signed a recording contract and will be the next to go SoLo. Hopefully he takes some notes from Zayn’s  sexual lyrics and amps it up a trillion billion. Although I’m not sure when he’ll find the time to lay down some tracks…maybe in between starring in Christopher Nolan films?

YAAASSS WWII HARRY. GIVE IT TO ME. Too much? Too little? Just enough?

3. Boring People Rewarded with Reality Show.


Exsqueeze me? The most vanilla and boring couple of the Bachelor franchise is snagging a reality show…on ABC FAMILY?! I’m not going to lie to you when I say that I was irrationally heated about this when I heard the news. These two had a shelf life that was about to expire in the fall and instead they parlayed it into a year long contract with a network for tweens. So whateva, go ahead and cash in on your five minutes before you eventually break up but know that everyone in the world wished it was Shawn and Kaitlyn who got a reality show because they’re actually hilarious entertainers who should be paid just for their snap stories alone. Here’s a quick tip for the “future” Mr & Mrs Higgi, from a true TV addict, couples who move in together and instantly let cameras follow them around TEND NOT TO LAST. Also, Ben told JoJo he loved her too. PEOPLE DON’T FORGET.

4. PSA: Don’t mix xanies with cocktails mid-air.

bridesmaids plane

This is salacious gossip, which I don’t typically include on the JUice especially if it has to do with the well-being of someone but since Selma already apologized and it was just a quick mixup, I decided to use it as a PSA for anyone who is a nervous flyer like myself. Know how your Xanax cocktail will make you react before you drop it down your throat mid-flight. Cause everything could go swell and you take a 2 hour nap, or you could end up like Selma here, shouting about getting your vagina burned off and exiting the plane on a stretcher. Jus sayin. The more you know. Also don’t try to email your doc for a quick scrip of anxiety meds just for one vacation because it doesn’t work. My sister already tried. (The same sister who went to her Pediatrician until they promptly kicked her out at age 22.) Tough stuff, lesson learned. Click here for Selma’s apology.

5. I Wanna Be That Song, Brett.

Brett’s newest music video where he’s a sexy retro baseball player is all of the swoons. ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND.


BONUS: PLEASE tell me Missy will come back with more than a feature in a Ghostbusters theme song by FallOut Boy. Seriously. I need the misdemeanor back in my life pronto.


Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-Jamaican Me Love You


In the MOST DRAMATIC three hours this quarter, Chris Harrison butts in at the end of commercial breaks to say something like “watch what happens next” and to remind us ad nauseum that Ben LOVES two girls. Seriously Chris, what a demotion to go from announcing the last rose to instructing people to watch the show we’re already watching. What an embarrassing life you lead. JK there’s nothing embarrassing about how rich Chris is. We’re also introduced at the top of the three-hour block to Ben’s pastor—who is on call because he’s not really that busy. He flew out to LA to pretend to read a bible on camera and basically have no expression whatsoever. Get this guy an agent, STAT! Anyway, TAKE US TO JAMAICA, CHRIS.

In Jamaica, at the Sandals resort, Lauren continues her vendetta against her vagina as she suffocates it in another pair of jean undies. Let it breathe, girl! She takes my advice when she goes to meet Ben’s parents, thank gawd. That would NOT have been comfy to keep digging your denim out of your lady bits while convincing the boyfriend’s parents that you make mature decisions. Lauren earns strike 1 when she greets Ben by calling him cutie. Like what one calls a small child. Yuck. Strike 2 is when she reminds us of her suuuper awkward first date with Ben where she said she wanted to meet his parents. She tells the Mr. and Mrs. that she’s been waiting a LONG time for this moment. (2-3 weeks) Mama and Papa Higgins eat this shit right up though because cut to Mama Higgs holding hands with Lauren. (Remembs when leftover twin met the parents, LoL) Lauren tells Ben that marriage is a big commitment for her—and I’m guessing not just a gimmick for ratings on a poorly produced after-show. ZING, Pastor Denny. They both agree that they’ve never really faced real-life problems, so they can’t wait to get married tomorrow. Recipe for a Neil Lane ring return if ya know what I mean.

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JoJo meets the parents Higgins next and they don’t really think anyone could compete with perfect Lauren. Case in point, Ben tells them in detail about times he’ll never forget, like when they boned “cuddled for a while”. JoJo is like hey Ben; let’s not tell your parents about our sexy times, I’m trying to get them to like me. Seriously, Ben what don’t you tell your parents? JoJo tears up with Mr. Higgins talking about how much she loves Ben. Then when she tells Mama Higgs Ben loves her, the resulting reaction all but blows Ben’s cover. Mama ain’t so stealth. She also holds JoJo’s hand… but not as much as Lauren’s.

Ben breaks it down with his parents after and they basically tell him Godspeed. Props to Mr. Higgins for using every variation of girl an old man could use. “Young lady” and “gal” amongst others.

On the final day of dates, Ben has the same conversation with two girls and ABC tries to trick us into thinking they have enough original content to fill up two hours of programming. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Ben and Lauren lay on boat hammocks then move to the beach that they are docked 1 foot from to whine more about their first world problems. Ben is afraid that their relationship is TOO perfect. Ugh, h8 when that happens. Later at “dinner”, Lauren wears a nice black evening gown and Ben wears a hoodie. Quick preview into the rest of your life, Lauren. You look great, she tells him, because she’s obligated to return the compliment he just gave her. They sigh a lot and cry because I don’t know if you’ve heard this or not but BEN LOVES TWO GIRLS AND HE’S SO CONFLICTED.

On JoJo’s last date, she gets a recycled waterfall scenery for her relationship turmoil and self-doubt with Ben. Since when does Jamaica drive on the opposite side of the road like the UK? Is this a new thing? Am I really dumb? Don’t answer that. Jamaica is also a place where strange men chase after your car just to say hello. Yeahhhhh…..righhhhttt. JoJo and Ben talk about how hilarious Ben’s parents are. Did I miss something? Were they like ha-ha funny, JoJo, or taking a bottle of wine to the dome funny? Jk that was your mom, the queen of diffusing uncomfy situations like a boss. Anyway, BoJo (wouldn’t it be fun if this was their couple name?) waterfall jumps again. Ben doesn’t land on top of JoJo in the water and therefore it’s boring. Later, JoJo is starting to catch on that Ben loves Lauren, I’m assuming after Mama Higgins basically slipped her a tape of Ben telling Lauren he loves her when they chatted earlier. Ben reassures JoJo that he loves her and nothing is wrong, even going so far as to sit on the bathroom floor with her in a luxury suite of a resort. THAT’S COMMITMENT. JoJo feels like a damn fool and Ben’s like I feel you, boo. Props for JoJo for calling him out. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BEN, YOU BIG LIAR WHO TELLS LIES. Ben is tormented when he leaves because he just feels soooooo lost.

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The morning of the proposal, Ben meets with Neil, can’t tell him who his future wife is but then 3 seconds later it just comes to him, or something. What doesn’t come to him is a sense of style when he picked out the diamond that will be splashed all over US Weekly covers. Yikes that ring is ugly, no offense Neil. You get paid either way. 90% of Twitter males and females agreed with me, so I’m not out of line by saying this ring kinda sucks.

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While Ben is choosing a goo-riffic ring that’s worth millions of dollars, the girls’ put on their ball gowns and brush their throats with makeup (wtf Lauren?) then get into the chopper. JoJo’s dress is a bad prom getup but at least her overly bronzed cleavage got a lot of camera play. What a boner jam treat for the male viewers.


Obviously we all knew what was coming when JoJo arrives first, but no one quite predicted how badly Ben would botch this TV breakup. He stumbles and stutters but the one thing that comes out crystal clear is, “I found love with you but I found it with somebody else more.” YIKES. There was definitely a better way to say that, bro. JoJo obviously cries and feels like a dum dum. Ben makes it worse by following her to the limo and sputtering “JoJo, I…JoJo…”

He gets over it real quick though because there were only 5 minutes left and he had to get to stepping to give that ring out. Covered in Jamaican heat sweat, (and possibly an ice pack wedged in his butt crack?), Ben calls Lauren’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage. What a sweaty gent. Lauren definitely shits herself on the copter ride over and hopefully they have a cleanup team on call because nothing ruins a romantic island proposal faster than a gown full of poop.

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They get engaged, Lauren pretends to like the ring and then repeats her infamous “you’re my person” line no less than 10 times and Ben says it back. Enough is enough with this quote. It originated on Grey’s Anatomy for two BFF’s. It does not apply to reality show contestants who have an over under 3-month bet on their relationship lasting.

At the after show, as you might have guessed, Ben and Lauren want to try going on a real life date before they agree to a live surprise wedding, so thanks for coming out Pastor Denny, I’m sure it was really tough for you to creep us all out with your stony face for 3 hours. Also JOJO IS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!!!! HEY, LET’S CUT TO THE PASTOR SO WE CAN SEE HIS REACTION! No, really. That’s a thing they did. Also Ben re-proposes because they didn’t actually get married right there and producers were scrambling to draw out the airtime. Quick, Chris try out your best standup material: “maybe JoJo will fall in love with THREE guys next season. HA-Ha-HA.” And we’re out. For a couple of months, at least.

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Thanks for reading, thanks for making fun of this dumb show with me and special shout out to KBell for taking home the W in my first ever Bachelor bracket. Not proud to admit that I picked Becca to win it all when it was an obvious Lauren sweep. (This definitely doesn’t keep me up at night or anything.) Kay, done being a sore loser. CONGRATS KATIE BELL! You’ve earned bragging rights until the premiere of The Bachelorette, when I come back for revenge. (Too much, too little, just enough?)

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- A Cluckin’ Waste of Time

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“It makes sense now, watching it.”-Olivia

Here’s our lovely Bach tradition of putting a bunch of disgruntled betches who have just had all their gossip aired for America to see all in one room so that they can show off their new haircuts and let a live audience full of over reactive ladies from the Midwest judge them. Did I miss anything?

According to the first segment of this useless 2-hour filler program to draw out the wait for the finale, 50 middle schoolers have a pajama party every Monday night for the Bachelor. That’s some bullshit. I was NEVER allowed to have sleepovers on school nights…or watch-party bangers. Chris and Ben “surprise” a bunch of people watching The Bachelor. K.

Strike 2 is the return of Tiara, the chicken enthusiast who we only remember from her pre-recorded vignette where she only talked about all her chickens that she probably gets intimate with. Her lifespan on the actual show lasted one night when she was boring AF and Ben sent her packing so that he didn’t have to learn her name. Well, in gimmicks of all gimmicks, she’s been invited to “Women Tell All” to sit there with a chicken on her lap and do nothing else. I would’ve killed to be in the writers’ room for that one. An idea board is hoisted behind the conference table with “how can we work the chicken enthusiast back in??” Light bulb: have her chicken Sheila just sneak into everyone else’s shot and at one point attack Lace mid-program. Ding, ding!

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Other than allowing live poultry to observe this event in its entirety, we learn that Jen is a real bitch that HATES Olivia’s stinkin guts and Jubilee really was enemy no. 1 because she was yapping about being the only full black girl to make it this far. Reverse racism? Specifically, the two half black girls were pretty TO’ed about this comment. Who is who? Well let’s see, both Amber and Jami are half black, have decided to get the EXACT same haircut/style, and have their tits out for the boys. THEY’RE ALSO BOTH BARTENDERS. If we’re going to take a stance on race and race relations, pick two girls who aren’t THE SAME PERSON to do so. Jus sayin. Either way, Jubilee’s like whatever I never said that, but I guess I’m sorry. And Amber (?) blows her kisses. Genuine behaviors all around. So in summary, everything’s Gucci in the bi-racial Bachelor community.

Afterward, Jubz takes the hot seat where for her entire “interview” Chris Harrison does nothing but stare at her and will her to cry. She’s grateful that Ben gave her a chance at love even though her entire fam is dead and also she’s still active duty and could absolutely drop all ya’ll bitches with the flick of a wrist.

In resident Bachelor crazy land, Lace is suuuuper uncomfy watching her own highlight reel. Same, girl, same. I can imagine that her watching this season is much like what it would be like to watch a live feed of the bar cam whenever I end up at the Boom Boom Room in Saratoga. A lot of slurring and a whole lot more eye rolling. But I digress. Lace is proud of herself and feeling great now and everyone in the crowd is really supportive of this turn of events. JK they all roll their eyes off of their heads and toss dirties like nobody’s biz. Suddenly, a random crowd-monger steps into the light and tells Lace she’s “crazy beautiful” and flaunts his full-face tat of her, ON HIS RIBCAGE. Yikes. Pre-crime on a billion trillion. It was concerning enough, but then Chris Harrison told this stranger not to touch Lace and that’s when you know you need to change your address. Lace is invited to Bachelor in Paradise because she’s a loony, and obviously she accepts.


During the gang up on Olivia segment of the scheduled program, everyone uses Olivia’s dumbass quotes to show her how stupid she is. I.e. Amanda calling “being a mom” her jam and Jen announcing that all the girls “like to read books and talk smart things too.” (But probably not the twins, right Jen?) Speaking of the asshole twins, they have no problem loading up all their ammo to shout things at Olivia and give their best stank face (as one.) They call Olivia a bully and when Leah’s like hey remembs when you two talked shit about her breath and her calves? Twin 1 was like THAT’S BEYOND THE POINT. It could not have been a more perfect response. CLASSIC hypocritical hate hate hate. Olivia is embarrassed about her mouth and her dumb sentences and just thinks she doesn’t have the right personality for that type of situation. She tearfully apologizes to all the teen moms out there and admits that she’s gotten a lot of social media hate, to which Chris scoots closer and is like WHAT EXACTLY DID THEY SAY, OLIVIA? Apparently Chris was really hoping Liv would read some of her cyber insults Jimmy Kimmel “mean tweets” style.

And of course, the most obvious choice for Bachelorette, Bubbly McGee Caila keeps a polite smile plastered to her face for the entire show until she’s called to the stage. They gracefully replay her big giant dumping and as the video fades of her sobbing in the backseat of a car and whining about how she still loves Ben, Chris goes “what’s going through your head as you watch that?” Spoiler alert: IT’S BEEN REALLY HARD. Caila also declares that now that she’s seen how Ben looks at JoJo and Lauren, she wants a love like that. So I guess she’s looking for a Mormon. Just kidding, she’s just setting herself up to step right into the Bachelorette role by artfully saying that she was hurt, but she’s still open to love. Ugh.

Then Ben is invited to come out and dodge everyone’s questions by saying all the ladies are amazing. But before we get into that, I’d like to point out that Ben is such a wiener, even when I tried to search a quiz on Buzzfeed to see if I was meant for him, they were like no, don’t do that…it gets better.

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Once I did find the quiz, I’m sorry to say that Ben and I are NOT meant for each other. I feel pretty good about it though because as Chris points out immediately, Ben is an I Love You slut. Chris then continues to slobber all over Ben and I start to question if maybe he’s a little jelly that Ben didn’t say I love you to him?!

Then the ladies get a chance to clear things up with Ben and ask dumb questions about why he didn’t like them, my favorite one being Leah who saw Ben compartmentalize relationships but then he totally narc’ed on her to Lauren. And Ben rightfully replied, but you talked about my other relationship…so I had to address it. Hey Leah, when you talk shit on camera, it typically comes back to haunt you. Be better than your black eyebrows and blonde hair. Apparently her and Lauren are good now though, so no one has to worry about that. *Fake Gigglezzz*

Then in the biggest question of the night, Ben is asked to tell the twins apart. He succeeds because a cameraman obviously tells him which is which. It doesn’t matter Ben, they’re both big giant bullies who wear skanky rompers “because they can.”

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The grand finale is a pretty decent blooper reel where a lot of people miss their mouth while drinking. Stars, they’re just like us me. See you next week for the DRAMATIC ENDING of Ben crying a lot like a lil baby bitch.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- I Love You, I LOVE YOU ALL!


“I’m gonna try to find my wife in one of the most romantic places in the world, doing some of the most romantic things.”

I was salivating at the chance to dive right into Ben taking three girls to poundtown on consecutive nights but unfortunately first we had to listen to him recap how he felt about each girl (FROM THE BEGINNING) in an electric pink button down. Not only was he yelling because the ocean locale was less than ideal for filming, but he also apparently forgot WE’VE BEEN WATCHING ALL SEASON and probably don’t need to be reminded of the three girls left.


Finally, it’s date time and the first one is a doozy. Ben takes Caila rafting down a murky river to the tune of ethnic flutes. Thank God for the native soundtrack because otherwise we’d be listening to crickets, literally. After rapping back and forth about how exciting the day is, they’ve run out of things to talk about. I half expected Ben to be like, look…a tree! Ben uses his buzzword of the episode “emotional rollercoaster” to ask if Caila is ok. She’s not ok, which is fine because she’s as good as gone anyway.


Later on, Ben’s like WTF was today? And Caila’s like I’m scared and then she tells Ben she’s in love with him and they smooch and violins play. Caila knowingly tells the camera that she’s in love with Ben, “when we take a deep breath together,” and she’s reassured because, “I can feel in his breath that he feels the same.” Apparently since Ben and Caila can’t hold a conversation, they’ve had a lot of experience just breathing on each other. That’s love. Ben invites her to the fantasy suite and fireworks go off during their foreplay. Thanks for that, ABC.

The morning after, Ben asks if Caila wakes up looking this beautiful every morning and she gives him a sly smile. Good answer, Caila. Good answer. And that’s how you trap a man when makeup and hair are on standby. Ben does the walk of shame right to his date with Lauren – oh the joys of Fantasy Suites.



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Ben and Lauren (who’s wearing shorts so tight and far up her asshole that she’s waddling) save baby sea turtles and it’s probably the cutest date ever. Way better than Caila’s silent log jam followed by a pile of meats on a table. But then Lauren has to ruin it by saying she’s going to be with Ben as long as the turtles will live. Do the math, Lauren. Don’t be a moron.


Ben tells Lauren she’s too good for him (yikes) then they frolic in the ocean and probably (definitely) stomp on a bunch of the baby turtles they just returned to the water. There’s a double rainbow, obviously.

At night, in a tropical crop coord, Lauren tells Ben the same exact thing Caila told him one night earlier. Because Ben is a dud, he does not understand that every woman is threatened by him having sex with two other girls at the same time. BUT, if there’s one thing these two need, it’s S-E-X and you betcha Chris Harrison is gonna deliver that fantasy suite in his swoopy female handwriting. After Lauren lays down the groundwork with a couple “you’re the man of my dreams”, she sees that Sandals suite and goes for the big reveal. Even bigger…Ben SAYS IT BACK. And not even just in a “love you too, grl” way. Ben says, “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well.” Now that they’re two consenting adults in love, I said a bang, bang, bangity, bang. (No fireworks though…sux 4 you.)

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In the AM, Ben brings Lauren coffee in bed like a MF’ing dreamboat. They sip in front of their private pool, where Ben lays the L word on her again. What a renegade! Who would’ve thunk shy, unlovable B.Higgs would be such an I Love You rule breaker. As he heads to his third romp of the trip, he muses that telling Lauren he loves her complicated things. Oh, RLY, Ben? Special shoutout to ABC for thinking shutting the door and making sleepover innuendos aren’t enough for us to get it…this pan to Lauren’s dress on the floor was just shy of hearing Lauren orgasm with a mic pack on ala Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season.




Since these women are on a strong path to making me feel like a hippo, JoJo is the second girl in this episode to leap into Ben’s arms. Wut3v3r. They take a copter right on over to a Jamaican waterfall where naturally they cliff jump togets. Metaphors, amirite? They take the plunge, which gives JoJo the courage to say she loves Ben (but she didn’t say he was her person.) Ben says I love you too and JoJo’s like SAY WHAT?! So he repeats it. DAAAAMMMNNN, BENNY, back at it again with the I LOVE YOUS!

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Later, JoJo reiterates how shocked she is that Ben broke #1 Bach rule and confessed his love. This is BEFORE she realizes she got a sloppy seconds I love you. Tossing it back to the hometown date, Ben addresses the fact that JoJo’s brothers are D-bags and JoJo’s like oh they’re just overprotective and would murder anyone who ever broke my <3. Aaand I bet this is around the time Ben starts to regret playing it fast and loose with the love-whoring. In the fantasy suite, JoJo rambles on and on in a bikini about how much she loves Ben while they prepare to become lovahs in their private hot tub.


The next morning JoJo thanks Ben for being honest about his feelings and he’s like yes we’re on the same page now. Did JoJo tell another girl she loves her and I missed it? Darn. Not sure that page is quite the same.

In a plot twist, Caila wants to surprise Ben, which is kind of sad because he’s already basically forgotten about her at this point. I mean she was dunzo the minute she turned into a mute on their date. She sneaks up on Ben and puts her hand over his face for a surprise kiss. What a risky hello.


Ben’s like oh great timing, I don’t love you—and in brutal TV dumpings, Caila has essentially walked right into this one—or galloped, in a bikini top, obv. She gets in the car then whiplash gets out and wants to know if he knew this whole time. AKA Caila wants to know if he boinked her when he knew he was sending her home. Ben may think it’s AOK to tell two girls he loves them on TV, but at least he knows enough to lie here. Caila cries a lot in the car ride home and still looks beautiful and God help us if she’s the next Bachelorette. I can’t take this sunshine chick on uppers persona for another full season.

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At the useless rose ceremony (that they still feel the need to draw out with dramatic music), Chris Harrison finds out that Ben L-bombed them both and pops a bag of popcorn for the big show. Gotta wait two weeks for that!

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Crybaby Ben


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Laguna Beach, California with Amanda

Ben wears tight brown capris and perches atop a rock like he’s Ariel awaiting his prince to come ashore in Laguna Beach. He slides a fork through his hair and sings Part of Your World. Amanda enters stage left by running toward Ben on the beach in an off-the-shoulder peasant top that might have been featured on an epi of MTV’s Laguna back in 2004. Ben asks about Amanda’s kids and she unfortunately doesn’t lie. She tells Ben that her daughter has an attitude and really sells the whole becoming an instant dad scenario.

The kiddies arrive in matching outfits, pigtails & gladiator sandals that are taller than their legs. It seems a little inapprops for beach footwear for anyone, especially toddlers. Ben does the perfect “everything these kids do is adorbs” act and even fake chases them around/makes a shitty octopus in the sand and says it looks good. The worst thing about kids is how much they suck at everything and you have to tell them they’re amazing. What’s even worse is that Ben didn’t properly teach the little nugget how to wet the sand before sculpting.


On the drive back to Amanda’s parents’ house, one child with a whimsical and non-traditional name cries the whole way. No better way to dive into parenting than dealing with a screamer in an enclosed space! The visit with Gram and Gramps consists completely of Ben being lectured about the consequences of having a 3-week TV relationship turn into an engagement when two kids are involved…WOMP WOMPPP. Ben reads the little runts a bedtime story written by ABC about how Ben kisses a bunch of princesses in the same night to find his true love. There’s a group hug and they all live happily ever after. JK she’s toast. 

Portland, Oregon with Lauren

In the city of roses, Ben is wearing a dad blazer over a long sleeve shirt and when he uses a flight attendant metaphor to feed Lauren a grilled cheese I think it was my last straw. I can’t support Ben anymore. He’s such a lamewad. If anyone teased me with a grilled cheese, I’d bite their hand clean off their body.


The most embarrassing thing about Lauren’s family is that they call her LoLo; otherwise they’re pretty normz. Sis takes Ben aside and points out a number of reasons why Lauren’s such an F’ing catch and asks Ben what about Lauren stands out to him. Ben replies, I don’t know I just really like her. He realizes what a dumb answer this is so he starts crying and it works. Sis is sold. THE TEARS SAY IT ALL. Dad tells his lil LoLo that it’s not a great idea to fall in love with a guy who’s dating other women. Seems like pretty sound advice. When he tries to question Ben’s intentions, that sneaky rat works up a teary eye again and gets out of giving any real answers. It would be the MOST quality TV to put all the protective dads together in one room with Ben and watch him cry his way out of that scenario. #RATINGS. 

Hudson, Ohio with Caila

As you recall, this isn’t really Caila’s hometown because she moved around a lot and naturally this made her think Ben would dump her real hard. They make out on a bench and then design a toy house together, cause Caila’s dad is Mr. Duncan.


Caila spends this date anticipating a toy house mack sesh. You know what they say Caila, if you build it, he will tongue. So they hit the factory to pretend they can operate machinery in a production line. Ben seeing Caila in a hard hat makes HIM hard. See what I did there? He carries her out of the factory but demands that she keep the hard hat on for some construction related fantasies.

At Caila’s house, we’re all reminded Caila isn’t white. Yay for diversity, ABC! Caila’s dad gives Ben advice on being a white boy marrying a Filipino & also calls his marriage “magical”, which is concerning to say the least. Caila’s mom is her TWIN, except for the whole braces thing. Ben talks to Mom and describes getting to know Caila as “cool”. Ben is almost as bad as leftover twin at impressing parents. Meanwhile, Caila gets SUPER emosh in her chat with Daddy as she tells Daddy that she loves Ben and he’s the one. Then she whispers the same to Mommy. If I had known she was going to annoyingly whine mommy and daddy a bunch of times, I would’ve turned it into a drinking game. Caila’s mom tells her to fess up with her love and obviously we’re 3 for 3 of girls confessing their love to everyone but Ben.

Dallas, Texas with JoJo

JoJo finds roses and a letter on her doorstep and it takes her FAR too long into reading it to figure out it’s from her ex-bf Chad and NOT Ben. PLOT TWIST. She paces around her apt and cries a lot in dramatic meltdown mode then calls Chad on speaker so we can all hear. Obviously now that JoJo is reality famous, Chad would like a second chance and more Instagram followers. It just so happens that her little dramatic phone call takes place moments before Ben arrives. Timing, amirite?! JoJo fesses up that she called Chad to end things and talk about how HAPPY she is with Ben and his other girlfriends. She tells Ben that her family is going to love him and BOY is that a lie.

When JoJo walks into her mansion, her brothers basically tackle her to the ground with aggressive double cheek kisses and I get a REAL Folgers weird sibling commercial vibe. They’re so distracted loving on JoJo that she has to keep yelling at everyone to greet Ben. What a hot start.

At dinner we get our first taste of the overly protective Brothers Fletcher when they tell Ben he would need to move to Dallas if he picks their sister. Ben’s like k sounds good. Then JoJo and mama have a super realistic discussion where it’s clear that her mom doesn’t understand how this show works. Mom tells her daughter that there’s no way she’ll get hurt because she’s beautiful. It’s such mom logic it makes me laugh out loud. It’s about as truthful as my Gams telling me I could be a model. Oh JoJo’s mom, just you wait and see. Regardless, keeping on par with the mom advice of this episode, she tells JoJo to put her heart out there. On the other hand, the bros tag team Joelle to tell her to reel it in because she’s only been on 2 dates with this guy. JoJo’s sister contributes nothing. In fact, she might have left after dinner once she realized her brothers were putting on a show for TV ratings.

Behind JoJo’s back there’s some tensions in the kitchen as her mom takes a knee with a bottle of wine and one of the brothers (Ben?) challenges Higgi for toying with female emotions. When Ben is called on his BS diplomatic answers, he pretty much poops his pants and gets right outta there. JoJo follows suit with not telling Ben she loves him and OMG BEN IS SO UNLOVABLE BECAUSE NO ONE TOLD HIM HOW THEY FEEL!

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Roses: Lauren, Caila, JoJo (who looks like a smokeshow—probably to make up for her d-bag brothas.)

I mean we all knew who was going to go home…even before US Weekly ruined it a full week in advance. Nice goin.


Amanda’s rightfully like why did you bring me back to LA to humiliate me and send me right back home? Uh, how about WHY DID HE MEET YOUR KIDS WHEN HE KNEW HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE A DAD? Anyway, Ben cries and babbles about how much he cares even though he met her kids and dumped her.

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BONUS: LoLo’s baby bros ask Ben if he plans on banging one out with her in the fantasy suite.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Welcome to the Orthopedic Capital


Come one, come all (JK, not you, Olivia) to Warsaw Indiana, where Ben had his first kiss and first job and drives a shiny red 1950 Chevy around town with a camera crew behind him. WELCOME! In a quaint little diner that makes eggs, EGGS, YOU GUYS!!! Ben reunites with his parents who he 100% calls before bed every night to talk about all of his girlfriends. He describes each girl and JoJo is the only one he calls GORGEOUS, so everyone else should probably kill themselves.

Before they can contemplate it, Ben picks the ladies up in a boat and shouts WELCOME HOME! They all word vomit the obligatory, “I can totally see myself raising a family here!” Cool it, ladies. Ben lives in Denver. Leftover twin overcompensates by saying she’s ready to start poppin em out and you can tell even the cameraman is like oh, honey. Ben points out that his childhood home is right around the corner, then makes a creepy joke that the ladies shouldn’t look in his parent’s windows because they might be banging. WTF BEN?

Volunteer Time with Lauren B.

Ben drives Lauren B. around town in his vintage rental and tells her embarrassing stories about how he didn’t practice frenching on his hand in 7th grade and therefore had to ask his girlfriend how to kiss. She laughed right in his face, obviously. So does Lauren B. Ben brings Lauren B. to the youth center to log some community service and even though this date is my LITERAL NIGHTMARE with how many kids are swarming them, Lauren is a CHAMP. She grooves a little double Dutch with the kiddies and basically has a pack of girls braiding her hair by the end of the day…which is essentially the only reason to become a camp counselor (infinite head tickles.)


They shine the spotlight on half court Ronnie, who will probably have his own reality show by week’s end and the couple macks in front of all the children. I get that we’re trying to make every woman’s ovaries burst from this segment but NOT EVERYONE LOVES KIDS, OKAY, ABC? Why are they constantly screaming at the camera. The mic is right there…no need to shout or use baby talk when you’re like 12. Ugh, anyway Ben is super with crying kids and also the Indiana Pacers show up. Lauren pretends to be a huge Pacers fan. Is there such a thing? Later, Ben and Lauren B agree that dumb bitch Leah made up garbage rumors last week and they’re all Gucci now. PS Lauren B admits she’s TOTES in love with Ben. But not just any Ben…WARSAW BEN. (This sounds like the character name of a murderer.)

“Let’s Find Love in the Windy City” with JoJo

JoJo immediately wraps her legs all up in Ben once she arrives in Chi-town and I already hate her. Dainty girls who can do that are soo0oo0oo lame. You know? Anyway, it’s JoJo’s first time in Chicago and instead of showing her the sights and deep-dish pizza; Ben takes her to Wrigley Field to fulfill his lifelong dream to be inside it. And you guys won’t believe it…Wrigley Field talks to them and invites them in!!!! It’s like SMART HOUSE!


So Ben doesn’t look completely selfish in how this date was planned, he gives JoJo a “Mrs. Higgins” Cubs jersey to wear. This seems like a real cocktease. Multiple girls are calling you their boyfriend and saying they see a future with you, Ben, there’s no need to lead them on more. Either way it works because they round the bases together. Wink, Wink. Since ABC rented the field for the day, they have to eat dinner there too. I can’t believe these two spent a whole day at Wrigley Field and didn’t announce Henry Rowengartner’s name on the loudspeaker. What a bunch of squares. In the end, we learn that JoJo isn’t scared anymore and is TEAM BEN! Also, does she always have a mint in the side of her mouth? This has been driving me nuts for weeks. What is she holding in there? Why does she talk like a cartoon character?



Insecurities with Caila, Amanda & Becca

Woohooooo group date!!! Oh what’s that Ben, you’re going to hang out with these 3 chicks long enough for them all to second-guess themselves and then send two packing in favor of a one on one? Damn, that’s COLD. After Becca spends the entire episode talking about how much she wants a one on one (and making me h8 her), we know for sure that she will NOT get a one on one. She needs more validation from Ben. Amanda doesn’t know why Ben is interested in her because she has kids. Same, Amanda. Caila is nervous AF because she’s moved around her whole life and doesn’t have a movie theater where she got her first kiss to drive Ben by in her hometown. Amanda gets the rose so she can feel confident that Ben wants to meet her kids (so he can then dump their mom and leave her there.) Becca cries because Ben’s just not that into her. Caila cries because she isn’t part of a community straight from a movie. What a killer date.

Ben takes Amanda to McDonalds where the nicest and most cheerful fast food employee I’ve ever seen was planted behind the register. It’s been a lifetime dream of Ben’s to go behind the counter at McDonald’s, apparently. They both strap on headsets and ask a bunch of people if they want to supersize it then say the job sucks and go back to being paid to kiss on TV. The two eat a fry lady and the tramp style and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more nauseous. They basically puke chewed up fry into each other’s mouths.

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In the parking lot of the McDonalds, there’s a Rydell High carnival and Danny Zuko Ben knows everyone by name. The mayor basically gives him the key to the city because who else would bring a camera crew to the orthopedic capital of the world? Ben screeches like a lil bitch on all the rides and Amanda’s just chillen. Then they have the second most awkward kiss of this date when they are on moving horses on the carousel and almost hit faces. Cherish these moments Amanda, because you’re about to introduce this man to your kids and he’s going to BOUNCE once he sees that being a dad is more than comforting one crying kid in front of a camera.

“Home is Where the Heart is” with Leftover Twin

I feel SOOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO much dumber after watching this date go down. Leftover twin is so excited that she’s finally getting her one on one date that she can COMPLETELY be herself, which to be clear, is a moron. She doesn’t know what swans are and she forgets how to talk when she’s nervous. Oopsie! Ben introduces her to his parents so that he can later blame them when he inevitably sends her home. Leftover twin is fascinated by the ducks because ducks don’t live in Las Vegas! Her diarrhea of the mouth only gets worse as she sits down with Mama Higgins and spews her life aspirations. She wants to be an NFL cheerleader—but also a young mom and wife. Hmmm…I’m shocked Mrs. Higgins doesn’t dive face-first into that lake to escape this dud. The Higgins parentals politely tell Ben that this girl is like, really pretty but like, really dumb. And off leftover twin goes…to watch movies all day and not eat vegetables. Although she’s not as dumb as she comes off with that diabolical placement of NFL cheerleader. Cash in, girliecat. All the other GF’s cry for leftover twin. I’m unclear as to why, but it makes them look really compassionate.

Before the rose ceremony, Ben is SUPER unsure, so he calls out the big guns…Chris Harrison. Chris comes all the way to Warsaw to go, “but which one do you NOT see as your wife?” WHOA. CHRIS. WHERE’D YOU COME UP WITH THAT MIND TRICKERY? Suddenly, with that one rephrase of the question, Ben knows what he must do. What would we do without Chris? How would we ever know how many roses are left? I hope we never have to find out.

Roses: Amanda, Lauren, JoJo, Caila

We pretty much knew Becca was going to leave by the way she was framed as the whiny bitch the whole episode. So whatevs. Props to her for having a backbone and calling Ben out for the shady move, though. Ben handles the confrontation really well. JK he poops his pants.


Next week: JoJo’s brother makes Ben cry.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-The Eyebrows Strike Back

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If you recall, last week ended abruptly after the house aired their grievances for Olivia and Ben pulled her aside to pretend it was a cliffhanger that he could take away her rose. Everyone in America knew that Ben would never snatch that rose. Those flowers are 100% black, black no trade back. When Ben asks Olivia to explain herself, she plasters a smile on and is like it’s not my fault that everybody hates me because I’m so popular and pretty. Olivia wants Ben to know that she’s not here to paint nails, she’s here to read books and think and “talk smart things.” Can this be made into a graphic tee? Olivia carries that rose back into the room like a badge of honor. I’m surprised she doesn’t spike it right off Leftover Twin’s face.

Ben whines a lot about how hard life is and then gets right to the rose ceremony where Olivia chirps to the other ladies that she’s untouchable.


Jk she actually says COME AT ME BRO. Unfortunately I have a bright purple pinny that says this and it’s funny because it’s trashy and from the Jersey Shore boardwalk. I now need to burn that pinny. But guess what Olivia, I painted my nails and did some reading while they were drying last night. I guess girls CAN do both. Come at ME bro.

Roses: Amanda, Olivia, Lauren H., Caila, Lauren B., JoJo, Becca, Leah, Emily

(BYE Jen, sucks that you just started talking last week and Leah still got the rose over you.)

Let’s all go to the Bahamas! “Woooooooo!!!!”-how a room full of ladies greet the Bahamas.


Let’s See if our Love is Reel with Caila

Caila may have this date but Leah is pissed. Who’s Leah? She’s the one crying in the bathroom while Caila is out deep sea fishing with B.Higgs. Leah’s crying because she lives 10 minutes away from Ben IRL and yet never met him at a bar. Ugh Leah, go home and surf Hinge for someone to meet for drinks. But first, shut the hell up and enjoy an all expenses paid vacay in the Bahamas.

Back on the Leah-less date, Ben tells Caila: “You smile a lot.” Gr8 observation, Ben. He’s looking for someone to cry with. Ben wants to know if she’s going to smile when she’s sad. Ben’s mind is an oasis of dumb thoughts that he feels are necessary to repeat out loud. Caila admits that she feels like she loves him. Yikes. TOO SOON. But then she talks in circles and maybe redacts that declaration of love? It pretty much makes no sense. Ben is like hey you’re not making any sense and she goes I know I’m in love because I’m being understood and you really understand me. OK CAILA. She gets a rose because not knowing what she wants is SAH CUTE.


Love is Unpredictable with Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H., Leah

The bikini-clad hoochies yacht to a private island for a quick swim and feeding time with some water pigs. WHAT ARE THESE CREATURES? Is this a thing? Come to the Bahamas—get raped by the dolphins and then scoot on over to the dump waters for a little pig tussle and weiner feeding. I can’t imagine why that wouldn’t be on a travel brochure.

Ben’s really excited because the girls are having such a fun time with the pigs. I guess Ben thinks a fun time is having fat pigs assault girls in bikinis for a chicken weiner. I feel like he should maybe be a little more concerned for their safety and learn to differentiate their “I’m having fun” screams from their “these pigs are slaughtering me and I’m terrified” screams.

After the piggie assault all the girls get jelly that Ben is hanging with Lauren B. in the water and they all quit their jobs for this. Don’t pin your dumb life decisions on someone who matches their eyebrows to their dye job, Leah. That’s not fair. There’s a lot of group wah-wahs about how life is so hard when they’re literally on a beach in paradise. But whatever. It’s snowing outside my window, but like Ben has to make out with a bunch of chicks in a tropical location so who’s the real loser here?

Later, Ben spends the evening portion reassuring each girl one by one that he still likes her. Leah shoots herself right in the foot by using her time with Ben to talk smack. Or does she? Leah is heard chit-chatting about a girl who acts different in the house that sounds sneaky like Olivia and then by TV magic, the name “Lauren B” is dubbed in through voiceover. Crack job at discreetly creating drama here. Lots of tears ensue as Ben confronts Lauren B about being fake and Leah denies talking shit about her. HOWEVER, what’s important to take away from this is that the only real thing in the entire night is the frizzy AF hair on these girls who are battling the Bahamas humidity AND an island storm.


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Back at the house the girls try to figure out who narc’ed about Lauren B. (hint: post-production) while Leah curls her eyelashes and heads for Ben’s room….to talk more about Lauren B. Ben gets a little sense and bids farewell to Dark Brows. FOREVER.


Let’s Sea with Olivia and Leftover Twin

YASSSSS. Death match between Cankles and the Leftover Twin. Olivia lives in a nice fantasy world where 23 is a SUPER mature age. Leftover is only one year younger and yet SUCH A BABY compared to Olivia. She goes a little too far when she compares the date to a mother hanging out with her child. It’s funny because she’s the mother in this scenario and she’s THE SAME AGE AS other twin. Regardless, both girls can still call themselves recent college grads and therefore they both need to GO.

On a secluded island with hurricane winds and a lack of hair ties, Olivia tells Ben that deep intellectual things are her “jam”, and further makes me want to punch her square in the cankles. She also tells Ben she’s in love with him and then tries to swallow his face so as to avoid the awkward silence that would inevitably follow that confession.

Not much better, Emily word vomits a speech about how she wants Ben to watch her grow up since she’s barely legal. Throughout this entire sputtery soliloquy, her face is covered in hair and Ben’s like no don’t fix it because I don’t want to see your face. She shouldn’t get the rose. But she does because Ben doesn’t love Olivia and the producers have gotten the ratings they needed from her. Olivia is left on the island to cry into the ocean and accidentally swallow some of her hair in that giant mouth of hers, her tree trunk ankles buried in the sand. Goodbye old friend, go forth to have a bustling TV career just like you always wanted.

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Roses (again): Caila, Amanda, Leftover Twin, Becca, JoJo, Lauren B.

The dramatic standdown between the Lauren’s at the end was supes unnecessary. As if Ben would EVER pick H over B. Lauren H gives good cry face though. So she’s got that going for her. Never Forget:

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Como se dice: Taste My Taco

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This week is MEXICO CITY, and on the plane the girls all shout at the camera and point because they were told to ad lib and they didn’t know what that meant. When they arrive at the Four Seasons, they cheers to finding love in Mexico and NOT dysentery from drinking the water.

“Let’s put all our eggs in one basket” with Amanda

Ben rolls into their hotel at 430AM gets in everyone’s sleeping grill piece and learns that the majority of his ladies in waiting look like garbage cans when they wake up. This life lesson is required of The Bachelor–an obligatory early morning drop-by to learn which ladies sleep in pink lipstick and glitter eye shadow, membs Britt? Leah is mortified that “her boyfriend” is seeing her like this. Who’s Leah? We may never know. Lauren H. has a retainer in and someone left their weave laying on the nightstand looking like a dead ferret. I’m not saying that I wake up looking like a dime piece, but I definitely don’t leave chunks of hair within reach of my slumber.

Not surprisingly, the only girl who looks picture ready is Amanda and she’s the one getting whisked away. Talk about a rough wake up call. Hey everyone, you look like monsters, I’m taking Amanda only, no need to take your slimy hardware out of your mouth. Seriously, put that thing back in your mouth. It’s a cesspool. PUT IT BACK IN YOUR MOUTH!


Amanda and Ben go on a hot air balloon ride and picnic in a random field, obv. At night, Ben does his typical deep probing interview process and Amanda tells him how her ex-husband sucked. Ben is in shock that a guy wouldn’t “wrap her and her children up.” That was a real sentence he said. Wrap them up in what, Ben? Do tell. Amanda reassures Ben that she shouldn’t be tossed aside because she’s already taken the marriage thing for a spin; in fact, marriage is more special to her now. Oh, honey. You obviously haven’t seen the outcome of The Bachelor…you don’t need to be serious about marriage to get the proposal at the end. Just pretend long enough for the press tour afterward and then you can both move on with your separate blogging careers and DWTS appearances. Anyway, Ben is like thank you for opening up here’s a rose, date’s over. Let’s not talk about me. Do any of these girls know a thing about him? Why is he such an interrogator on dates? Has he ever held a champagne flute before? All questions that demand to be answered.

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“Como se dice…the way to a man’s heart” with Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

WHAT a crew to learn basic Spanish in front of my very judgmental eyes. It’s possible that I’ll take it easy on them because I had a very Bachelor-contestant-esque moment last evening when I questioned if Mexico City was actually in Mexico. Turns out it is, and also I’m a moron. At least I’m really pretty. You don’t need to be both smart and pretty in this world, so I’m told. Case in point, the girls butcher learn how to say “I’m falling in love with you” and “I’m going to kiss you now” in espanol, because that’s VITAL for reading recipes in another language. It’s rough, but not as rough as Emily admitting she has no cooking skills or language skills and orders tres churros. (How do you think she pronounces Haitians?) SHE’S ONLY GOOD AT TALKING IN UNISON GUYS, CUT HER A BREAK! Jubilee turns into a jelly belly during the high school class sesh and sasses Ben back in English. The girls look on in horror. NOBODY talks back to their boyfriend. She gonn’ learn. (Really, though.)

At the market, Olivia snags Ben for her team and Jubilee tries a little threesome action, she’s quickly swatted away. It only takes two to romantically feed each other crickets. Everyone looks on with dagger eyes. Leftover Twin harps on Olivia’s dragon breath again like a real catty ass bitch who doesn’t know how to do anything but be a twin and apparently bark about someone else’s halitosis. JoJo is really excited for the chef to taste her taco. She knows her taco tastes really good and she just WANTS SOMEONE TO EAT IT. EAT JOJO’S TACO, DAMNIT. Jubilee takes the W for best fish, by herself, I guess? She’s taking all the credit and I’m wondering if she even had a partner other than her misery and potent jealousy in this competition.

At drinks later, the stealing is off to a hot start when Olivia cuts him off mid-sentence for a mediocre conversation about their meal that looked so gross the chefs talked about it in their native language like the Asians do at the nail salon when they see how gross someone’s feet are. Remember Jen and her big T’s from week one? She’s back in action this episode with a few lines. I start to think, Good for Jen! Coming back into the game. Then she says, “Once I commit to someone they’ll have my heart and soul forever.” HEAVY re-intro from Jen. Lauren B. is wearing gloriously white crop coords that I’m guessing only look good on little petite size 0 nuggets. She’s rewarded for looking like a dime with a severe tongue inspection from Ben to the symphony of church bells. He sees angels, or ripping that white skirt off Lauren B. Either one. Jubilee gets some QT with Ben to whine about her life and how hard it is to date him and constantly be such a raging B when he’s trying to be nice to her. She rips her hand out of his. He should’ve hip-checked her to the curb right then. Ben asks Jubz, straight up now tell me, do you wanna be with me? Jubilee has the BaLLZ to reply, “I want you to tell me that you want to be with me.” BAIIIIII. I was once on Team Jubilee when dem hoes (AMBER) were after her but she dug her own grave here. JoJo steals Ben hot off the Jubilee sendoff and looks like a real dick. Ben glares at her then makes out with her. Olivia gets a rose cause they “reconnected.” Although, according to Olivia and her magical imaginary touches from Ben, they never really un-connected. A leg push ALWAYS means something ladies, never forget.

Mexican Fash Week with Lauren H.

Lauren H. is JUST a teacher who has an ambiguous maybe Midwestern, maybe southern accent and dutifully wears her retainers. Golly gee, how could she ever end up on a catwalk during fashion week? Answer: because at Mexico fashion week, the clothes are made with good ole-fashioned spin-art.

Lauren H. asks everyone how long they’ve modeled, says she’s super nervous then proves to all those bitches who’ve been at it for 4 years that anyone can walk a runway. (And probably have a diet consisting of more than cotton balls with duck sauce.) Later on, Ben asks her to reveal her life story and we learn that you can’t make it on the Bachelor unless you have a carousel full of emosh relationship baggage trailing behind you. Lauren H. one ups Amanda’s ex-husband story with a tale of a boyfriend she dated for 4 years, moved across the country for, and found out he was side-piecing 3 other chicks, one of them being…HER FRIEND. That’s some real Days of Our Lives shit right there. She has decided to always choose happiness and that’s why she’s so bubbly and carefree and into smooching puppets. Don’t ever gloss over the fact that she put her lips on a puppet last week. Ben <3’s that about her and gives her a rose.


This episode was really boring and I was truly hoping we would get a fiery fight in our cocktail hour and instead we got one-part twin tears and one-part MTV insults. But first, Lauren B. wants to tell Ben things are getting pretty serious so she lets him know that she can see a life, but not just a life, like a LIFE life with him. Okay, Lauren B. time to lay off the vino. She also tells him it’s terrifying. So that’s comforting.

Not as comforting as Olivia informing Amanda that her life sounds like a Teen Mom episode. Amanda stands her ground, good for her and fires back at Olivia that she had a kid when she was 22. To be fair, the Teen Mom OG crew is around that age and on their second kid, SO THERE. She also adds on that Olivia reminds her of Snooki because she’s a hot mess. MTV sits back in their executive chairs over Times Square and gleefully rubs their hands together. Two original show name drops in one night. Why even buy advertising? Leftover Twin cries about Olivia being disrespectful and decides to air her grievances to Ben, AKA suicide mission. That’s bold of her but also not that bold because she would’ve been gone next week anyway. Olivia comes out of nowhere to pounce probably because a producer tipped her off to the blood. Olivia gives Ben a ring while Leftover Twin calls Dumped Twin to cry waterfalls about how Olivia is rude and stuff. Ben calls each witness to the stand to say something shitty about Olivia and there’s certainly no shortage of bitchy comments in that department. The Hoover dam has been opened and it’s flowing out of Olivia’s open mouth. Will Ben take backsies on that rose or will he continue to have the spine of a jellyfish and keep her around to terrorize the others behind his back? I think we all know the answer.

To be continued…





Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-Viva Las Idiots


“Olivia’s talent seems to be popping out of a cake and into the other girls’ nightmares.”-Chris Harrison

Snaps for this season of the Bachelor already giving Ben a bigger travel budget than Kaitlyn had. Have at it, feminists, because we’re on week 4 and the group is already hitting Vegas, with a trip to Mexico on deck for next week. Kaitlyn’s season couldn’t even afford home visits….so0oo0…

Speaking of hometowns, the twins are ecstatic about Ben visiting their native land before he even knows which one is which. They can’t wait to show him the Eiffel Tower and Tombs of Pharaoh. Maybe they’ll even dip into Caesar’s Palace and Twin 1 will tell him that the real Caesar lived there. Olivia just wants to see Celine. Same girl, Same.


“You Set My Heart on Fire” with JoJo

Shocker, their date is a helicopter ride, since it’s following my previously outlined date-with-Ben algorithm. SUUPER original. Except this time he sets up a table with champs just for the helicopter to blow it over and force him and JoJo to duck behind it for cover. Later on, JoJo apparently is sad she’s had a failed relationship. In other news JoJo is really boring and breaking up with a guy after a year isn’t the most dramatic thing we’ve ever heard. I mean a mere week ago we learned about someone’s entire family dying. Kick it into perspective, girlfrand. Anyway, there are fireworks and sloppy kisses and Olivia hears a few crackles in the sky and almost sniffs them out to prevent someone else’s relationship from advancing ahead of hers.

Talentless Hacks with Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H., Jennifer, Rachel, Olivia, Amanda, Lauren B., Jubilee

Nothing says VEGAS quite like a shitty ventriloquist that a few of the girls pretend to know. This ventriloquist would have been the worst act to ever grace Vegas, if it wasn’t for Olivia and her cabaret number. Bless Lauren B. for speaking for every girl on this show and admitting, “I have no talent. I have 0 talent.” I wonder if that’s a tagline used in the casting call for each season? It seems fitting. Even though Ben has requested everyone to unearth their deepest special talents, some are better than others at admitting they’re dust when it comes to the talent department. I’m looking at you Lauren H. Singing “Old McDonald Had A Farm” and spelling out the word rose in a chicken suit does not a talent make. Someone was on Lauren H’s side though because despite that being REAL embarrassing, she really dodged a bullet when a producer talked Olivia into going for whatever she was trying to go for there.

Enter: the worst stripper you could ever hire. Olivia clamors those honking ankles of hers out of a cake and clunks over the edge. Once her hooves hit the ground she then breaks into an awkward shimmy, kick, spectacle and the crowd is really feeling it.

JK her performance makes everyone in this world uncomfy, including Ben. Since Olivia is really confident in herself and never gets embarrassed, it’s surprising to see that she immediately is mortified and has channeled that into a 5 star panic attack. SERIOUSLY GUYS GET THE CAMERAS AWAY FROM HER!! SHE HATES ATTENTION!

At the evening portion of the most embarrassing televised moment of Olivia’s life—please keep in mind this is the same girl whose jaw at one point extended from the top of my TV screen to the bottom—Caila is commended for being a sex panther. Show’s over, Olivia. You’re the anti-sexy and Ben just compared another woman to a wildcat in the sheets. There’s a sidebar of Ben and Lauren H. hanging out with a puppet. It’s sad that Lauren H. thinks five minutes with Ben and a dummy counts as a real date. I almost shed a tear for her. Then she kisses the puppet and she ain’t worth my pity tears. Olivia finally gets her moment to shine (ask Ben if her performance was a boner kill) and Ben’s like, “it wasn’t thaaattt…”CUE THE TWIN-INTERRUPTUS. As the ladies know, you can’t keep an Olivia down and she comes back with an awkward jig and a vengeance. She can’t go to bed without a smooch from Ben. So she forces him to kiss her by leaning in with her lips out and staring at him with the crazy eyes. Lauren B. gets the rose.


“Get Dressed it’s a Big Day” with Becca

Becca gets a wedding dress hand-delivered so that all the other girls can shit themselves and make aggressive jokes about her virginity. Cause girls build each other up and stuff. On the date, they marry OTHER people in a tacky Vegas chapel. By that I mean Ben marries other people and Becca watches with an encouraging smile. Ben tries to make other people’s marriages all about him and his newly online ordained skillset and not to raise any unnecessary red flags…but Ben and Becca are definitely witnesses to a very creepy mail order bride sitch, but that’s neither here nor there.


Later, Ben takes Becca to a junkyard with neon signs, but like it has grants and stuff. So it’s educational? I don’t know. I guess I would rather he stick to the aviation + unknown singer formula. He addresses how casj Becca was that Chris Soules ALMOST PROPOSED TO HER and she’s like eh I’m over it, round 2 baby. JK Becca is more mature now and knows she doesn’t want a fake farmer with pit stains. Between you and me, I’ve got odds on Becca to run train on this thing. The season that is, not Ben. Obviously. They discuss the elephant in the room that all of America already knows Becca is a virgin because she was dubbed THA VIRGIN of last season. Ben giggles that he’s the opposite of a virgin. I bet Becca’s never heard that one before. They both agree their faith is strong enough to not bone before marriage.


SURPRISE! Twinning at Home

IN A SHOCKING TWIST—Ben wants to do a 2-on-1 AND hometown date with the twinz. So basically, Ben is forced to prove that he still doesn’t know which twin is which. One of the twins (Haley?) is embarrassed that her bedroom at home (where she still lives because she’s fresh outta college) is littered with pics of her and her ex boyf. I’m embarrassed by the amount of Pink body mists she owns. My watching partner of the evening roots for Ben to end up with the mom, mostly because he thinks the twins are uggo. Instead, Ben kicks the girl (Haley?) who’s hung up on her ex-bf to the curb. Emily’s really proud of her sister for being so strong, especially since she basically told Ben to cut the dead weight of her own flesh and blood. Also we can go ahead and QUIT IT with the twins telling him he needs to treat them as individuals. RLY?

Also, related but unrelated- shout out to my best roomie Den, who put up with 2 hours of garbage last night and even gave me an update on what I missed when I went to get my laundry. You da real MVP. No matter what Olivia says.

Rose Ceremony

JoJo, Caila, Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

BYE Rachel, whose last parting words were: “Idk I was the only one who didn’t kiss him yet.” AND THAT WASN’T A RED FLAG? BYE Amber, who cries on a chaise lounge in the dark, heels dangling from her hand. Pls don’t ever come back. Third time is NOT a charm.