Tag Archives: Nikki Bella

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/24/20

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1. BeeeeeBeeeeee’s. 

 

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Welcome to the world, Daisy Dove Bloom! We are honoured to introduce Goodwill Ambassadors @KatyPerry and @OrlandoBloom’s new bundle of joy.⠀ ⠀ “We are floating with love and wonder from the safe and healthy arrival of our daughter,” Katy and Orlando told us.⠀ ⠀ “But we know we’re the lucky ones and not everyone can have a birthing experience as peaceful as ours was. Communities around the world are still experiencing a shortage of healthcare workers and every eleven seconds a pregnant woman or newborn dies, mostly from preventable causes. Since COVID-19 many more newborn lives are at risk because of the increased lack of access to water, soap, vaccines and medicines that prevent diseases. As parents to a newborn, this breaks our hearts, as we empathize with struggling parents now more than ever.⠀ ⠀ “As UNICEF Goodwill Ambassadors, we know UNICEF is there, on the ground, doing whatever it takes to make sure every expecting mother has access to a trained health worker and access to quality healthcare. In celebration of the heart we know our daughter already has, we have set up a donation page to celebrate DDB’s arrival. By supporting them, you are supporting a safe start to life and reimagining a healthier world for every child. We hope your ♥️ can bloom with generosity.⠀ ⠀ Gratefully-⠀ ⠀ Katy & Orlando.”⠀ ⠀ Please tap the link in our bio to support the most precious gift: a healthy child.

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ForEver grateful for this true blessing💙

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A LOT of baby-related news this week. Like my ovaries are rusting from within and it’s just baby city up in Hollywood. At least it’s proof that some couples still like each other  so that’s always good! I also must give credit where it’s due, my bestie has the ultimate scoop edge by living on the west coast and therefore getting breaking news while I’m fast asleep. I woke up Thursday morning to texts from her scooping me on Katy’s birth and updating me on Lea’s child’s name. Proud of her for taking advantage of the time difference. Scoop never sleeps. Katy and Orlando AND Lea and Zandy (eye roll) jumped RIGHT on that current celebrity baby announcement trend of black and white hands/feet grasping. I’m so over this. 0 points for originality. Someone needs to shake this up FAST. If the only news we’re going to have each week is a divorce or a baby, we need a little creativity with the announcements OR WE RIOT. Now onto the names. Daisy Dove is exactly what I would’ve expected from Katy. Double D’s. Just kidding. I don’t hate it but I’m not in love with it either. I’m comfortably indifferent. First time for everything. And as for Lea…Ever is stupid. I’m sorry but that’s not a name that’s a declaration. OUT on Ever. NOW…. onto the real rant.

 

I’ve got a bone to pick with Brie here. Obviously they’re going for the B theme. Brie, Bryan, Birdie, Buddy. That’s obnoxious as hell but whatever, I get some families are real into that. The real issue here is this little bud’s middle name. It is DESSERT. HOWEVER she clarifies in the above post it’s pronounced DESERT. THESE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORDS WITH COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PRONUNCIATIONS AND COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MEANINGS. WHY WOULD YOU GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE THIS 100000X MORE CONFUSING?! MAKE THE NAME DESERT IF THAT’S WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO CALL IT. ESPECIALLY because you’re naming him AFTER an actual name. Was your nana’s maiden name DESSERT pronounced DESERT? If so, your ancestors are morons. I am FIRED all the way up about the stupidity here. You know how often kids confuse Desert and Dessert? A WHOLE LOT. You’re now PART OF THE PROBLEM. Ugh ok. I’m done. Obviously you knew once they announced twin pregnancies that this whole process was going to be People cover story material so I’m glad they didn’t make us wait too long for the unveiling. Nope, I lied. I’m not done. I read the article in People mag and I got annoyed again. First of all, they’re already nicknaming Matteo (God’s gift) to Teo, so whatever that’s fine, I didn’t expect them to really be calling their baby Matteo like he’s an astronomer from the 1500’s. But Brie’s daughter Birdie AKA Bir Bir has nicknamed her little brother Bud Bud. BIR BIR AND BUD BUD. Goodbye.

 

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Hi I’m Buddy 💙

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My life is so complete 🥰 @theartemc @people

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I’m back. THE BELLA BOYYYYZZZZZZZ! Matteo and Buddy!!!!! What’s hilarious to me is that they’re all about twinning and doing everything together and yet TMZ reported that Nikki put her house that she built and decorated for herself (pre-Artem convincing her to marry him and knocking her up) directly next door to Brie on the market. So that was a solid 9 months of being neighbors. Next season of Total Bella’s would be much more entertaining with them living in each other’s buttholes with their newborn cousin twins. I’m not a producer…but I should be. Don’t move, Nikki. Learn how to spell Desert, Brie. TYSM to all. Love ya suh much.

2. BeeeeeBeeee BUMP.

 

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growin an angel 🙂

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7.26.20 🕊

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At first Gigi was like I’m not posting about my pregnancy because there are more important things going on in the world and I want the focus to be on that. And then she apparently was like eh F it, this photoshoot is too good not to share. It is a pretty classy collection of bump photos. It’s not over the top with nudes but tasteful black and white silhouettes. Plus she’s an actual supermodel so I don’t really know if she can take a bad picture. Doesn’t detract from the fact that I feel like she’s a literal infant herself and this is 1000% an oops baby but at least it’s going to be a Vogue oops.

3. Aunt Becky Goes to “Jail.”

becky

Alright enough baby talk, let’s switch it over to the slammer. It was announced LAST Friday when I was thoroughly enjoying a Girl’s Day full of poolside cheese balls and adult bevvy’s that Lori and her hubs were “sentenced.” I use the term loosely because this has been a several year long process and has been built up so dramatically over time that we all knew there was only one outcome to this scenario, and obviously it’s the outcome that every rich person gets. A short stint in a cushy Hollywood jail that they will 1000% not complete. Lori got 2 months, her husband got 5. The chances that either of these turds serve those full sentences are SLIM. There was a headline about Lori being nervous about serving time amidst corona virus, as if she’d be put in a county jail swarming with people spitting on her or something. Listen, if Jeffrey Epstein was quite literally raping middle school students in Florida and running a pedo “massage” ring out of his mansion and got to leave jail to take his PJ out and about whenever he pleased on “work release”, I can guaranTEEE you that Aunt Becky won’t go to prison for paying her kids into college. That’s just not how the system works. They make a big F’ing deal out of this whole case and promise the judge is going to throw the book at them and I called bullshit from the start. No one will EVER make an example of a rich and famous person. Felicity served a month, Lori will serve a week or two and that’ll be all she wrote for the GREAT college scandal of H’wood. Honestly her getting cut from the never-ending Full House franchise probably hurts worse than a “jail” sentence. HAVE MERCY!

4. We Are All Old.

 

Cause Kevin McAllister told us we are. Seriously, Home Alone was made before I was even born, so don’t be tellin me I’M OLD OK KEVVVIIIIIINNNNNNN?!

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Oh jk, jk, he’s just doing his job. Everyone, relax. I love the fact that Macaulay recognizes that Home Alone was his defining career moment and that’s all we want to hear about from him and embraces it full-force. Also to relate it back to myself as I’m best known for doing, in Home Alone 2 (the superior Home Alone) when Kevin says “I’m 10 years old. TV is my life,” I’ve never related to a statement more except that it applied when I was 10 and also present day. I can honestly say that I’m 29 years old and I’ve watched so much TV in the past week that I have a literal back ache from how I was propped up on my bed/the couch. It all started last weekend when E aired every episode of Sex and the City followed by both movies. They called it something dumb like Sex all weekend or whatever and YES I ATE THAT SHIT UP. Even got my mom in on it as we pondered Aidan vs. Big and I scolded my mom for not remembering Berger who BROKE UP WITH CARRIE VIA POST IT NOTE. And when you start your week watching middle aged women talk about sex in Abu Dhabi, there’s really no rock bottom. So I binged my Housewives (#TeamBrandi, Denise is a cease and desist turd sandwich) and I tried Black Monday (not for me, sorry), watched all of High Fidelity on Hulu (100% must watch for Cherise who is a boss and might be one of my fave TV characters of all time. Wish she had more screen time.) I even went backward in time and saw Bridget Jones’s Diary for the first time–I allowed my curiosity for why this was such a phenomenon to outweigh my hate for Renee Zellweger. The movie stinks and I have no idea why they were compelled to make 3 of them or what was cutting edge about a thirty year old woman who drinks and smokes a lot (see: SATC series AND movies.) I discovered that my favorite Sophie Kinsella book Can You Keep A Secret was made into a low budget film that I assume was straight to streaming with Alexandra Daddario and Tyler Hoechlin. Also recommend for anyone who loves an awkward as hell rom com. And I even went so far as to sign up for a free trial of HBO (setting a reminder to cancel before they charged me an outrageous $15) so I could finally get my peepers on I’ll Be Gone in the Dark and subsequently ask my mom to close the door of the bedroom next to me so I can be sure the Golden State Killer wasn’t hiding in there waiting to rape and kill me. Good news, he was finally sentenced this week so we’re all safe from HIM but once you hear a phone call with heavy breathing and “I’ll kill you bitch”, there’s really no reassuring your fears. I also took it upon myself to rewatch Crash from 2005 with my free trial week. Turns out, a movie about racism and anger still holds up today… AND THAT WAS ALL IN ONE WEEK, FOLKS! YA THINK I NEED A JOB OR SOMETHING?! I mean, I just turned Mac’s birthday into a rant about how much television I consumed this week. If that’s not a talent, I don’t know what is. Felt like I needed to get that off of my chest. Plz feel free to DM me for more in depth reviews/rec’s of all of my consumption. Also, to bring it back to Mac…here’s Brenda Song’s loving bday tribute to him. I was literally shocked to be reminded that these two are dating. Seems like things are going swell though.

 

PS almost forgot to include that I watched this masterpiece last Friday and go right ahead and put it in the cheesy dance movie top 10 because WOOO what a masterpiece. Despite the fact that the lead character leaves frizzy hair in two solid chunks in her face for the whole movie and refuses to wear anything other than baggy khakis and chunky sneaks like she’s Working Girl and not a high school student in 2020.

 

5. MUSIC TIME!

Here’s the portion of the show where I don’t have enough headlines to yap about this week (or last…I double dipped) so I throw up some songs and youtube videos that brought me joy.

 

The Barden Bella’s came back to sing one of my all-time favorite Beyonce songs. Of course, I use the term sing suuuuuuuuuper loosely because all of them are 9000% lip syncing but whatever it’s all in good fun. Close your eyes and groove it out. Bonus points to Brittany Snow for working in a fan for Beyonce hair.

 

I’ve always loved Jaaaayyyyy-SuuuNNnnn DeRUUUUUUllloooooooo and this song is fun and the video has a whole lot to look at. But in a good way. Not in a WAP way.

Also, check out this 10 year old drummer who is cooler than I will EVER be.

 

BONUS: After a hiatus from the world of youths and never understanding what it is they’re looking for in snappy 50 second videos, I made my triumphant return to the Tok and have been posting whatever the hell I feel like posting and then watching in awe as the shortest & least funny video takes off in views and likes. Apparently there’s a real treasure trove of One Tree Hill fans living in TikTok world. Who knew.

 

@thesaltyju

This is a Lucas Scott bridge. #oth #onetreehill #hoodupanddribble #keithscottbodyshop

♬ I Don’t Want to Be – Gavin DeGraw

 

@thesaltyju

When your #folklore CD comes a month after you ordered it with star confetti and NOT a personal cardigan from Taylor Swift herself. 🙄 ✌🏽

♬ exile – Taylor Swift

 

@thesaltyju

Mom Gone Wild. #girlsday #fyp #babysitter #partytime hotgirlsummer #hotmomsummer

♬ Hot Girl Summer – Megan Thee Stallion, Nicki Minaj, Ty Dolla $ign

 

@thesaltyju

#Dance like nobody is watching. Or like your dad is doing an FB Live show and you want to show off your fresh moves while he tunes his guitar #sytycd

♬ Nominate – Stonebwoy

 

 

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/3/2020

1. STEEEEEEEE-PHENNNNN.

 

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2004 or 2020?!

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People were buzzing about Jay’s chickens and his newfound insta fame and that took WAY too much attention off of Kristin and she needed to bounce back in a big way. This was a BIG bounce back. And also, the MOST obvious reach I’ve ever seen. Obviously these two bozos are not reuniting a dysfunctional teenage love. This snuggly pic was calculated AF and it’s just like the time The Hills producers told LC to invite Stephen to her housewarming party when the show was getting a little snoozy to spice things up and give viewers a reunion to ship. They teased that Stephen comeback for weeks and made all of the dodo birds that LC lived with ask her in-depth questions about her past with Stephen and if she thinks him coming to her housewarming will rekindle their love affair. It was ALL this buildup for a real friend zone ending. Stephen went right back to ruffling LC’s hair and calling her buddy. BONER KILL. Obviously I’ve always been over-invested in reality TV..but here’s the thing: Kristin removed herself from reality TV and therefore cannot use their storylines to boost public opinion of her. Also, these two STUNK as a couple. Stephen was always sneaking off to be with LC and Kristin was fo shiz banging whoever looked at her. Plus, let’s never forget Cabo.

cabo

 

Doesn’t matter how I feel about this PR move though…all that matters is how Jay feels and he went right ahead and deleted his Instagram. And honestly that’s the worst outcome that could’ve ever happened. Jay was a rising star on social media and was really coming into his own with content. And he let two little Laguna bitch asses ruin that for him. SCREW YOU STEPHEN AND KRISTIN.

2. THE BELLA BOYS.

I had originally predicted that these two would give birth on the same day (I assumed with the whole twin thing if one went into labor the other would feel the pains thus triggering their own labor…science) and you know what, I WASN’T FAR OFF! One day apart is basically the same day and wouldn’t you know it THEY BOTH HAD BOYS. Cue them trademarking the Bella Boys for future merch and business opportunities. Although these two are technically cousins, there’s no way they don’t grow up basically twinnies. I mean they live next door to each other and they’re one day apart. And those identical announcements?! I mean, come on. I assume their names will be unveiled in an equally as PR way and I’m chomping at the bit to hear them. Let it also be known that Brie posted her insta first and I was literally hawk-eyeing Nikki’s insta and having seen that she hadn’t posted in 3 days I KNEW she had her baby too. That’s the definition of UNWELL in celeb social media creepin. Proud of it, babe.

3. Burn City, Population: Megan Fox.

 

You know it’s been a slow news cycle lately when I’ve reported on Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green MULTIPLE weeks now. At first this was a super tame celeb breakup (probably because they’ve done it once before) but now the drama is heating up and I’m HERE for it. After Megan Fox started boning MGK and blabbed last week about how he’s her twin soul, it seemed like the gloves were off for Brian Austin Green. He was casj at the beginning of the week, saying in an interview that he found out about the two of them on his own and has tried to avoid social media because he doesn’t want to see or hear about it. He even reassured people critiquing her parenting that she’s a great mom and just happens to be shooting a movie right now. WELP. No more peace. Above is a post from Megan slobbering all over her new boy toy. Below is Brian AG trolling the shit out of it. Guess he’s no longer avoiding social media!

 

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Achingly beautiful boys…… My heart is yours

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BOOM. ROASTED. Love a good petty post-breakup caption and this is perfect. Also kinda contradicting everything he said about her being a good mom but whatevs. And not for nothing, but get those kids into the modeling game stat–dreamy eyes and luscious locks will get them everywhere in life.

4. The Bachelorette DRAMA.

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Ever since I quit this circus cold turkey, I’ve observed from afar and noticed that fans haven’t become any less rabid for the orchestrated drama that floats around every season. This season in particular has been a doozy as it was halted for COVID, then BLM became too loud for racist ABC to ignore and they plucked a black guy who was supposed to be on the season that had started filming to name as the next Bachelor, then they started filming Clare’s season again and now apparently they’re bringing in a different Bachelorette to take over. Rumor has it that Clare found love immediately, didn’t want to play the game and tongue any other guys for TV so she refused to keep filming and they had to tap in a second girl to finish out the season. And IF that’s true, HOW OUTRAGEOUS. You’re already suspending belief by showing everyone two people who fall in love and decide to get married over two months of being in an open relationship and now you wanna tell us she did it EVEN FASTER THAN THAT?! Get the hell out of here with that fresh garbage. Either she was already communicating with this guy and he had a head start or we start betting on when they break up cause I AIN’T ABOUT TO FALL FOR THAT. Let it also be written in stone that this “hook” will not make me tune in to her season. I feel like I lost years off of my life when I used to watch every week, mostly because they put about 25 solid mins of content into a 2-3 hour episode every Monday. Nothing proves that more than these “Bachelor GOAT” seasons they’ve been doing. This is where they show an “abbreviated” season over a 3 hour span. If you can give us the gist of a whole season in 3 hours THAT TELLS US RIGHT THERE THAT YOU’RE FLUFFING WAY TOO MUCH. If ABC ever dropped the act and decided to just give us the meat and none of the lettuce, I’d consider tuning back in. But until then, I’M OUT.

becca

PS: This is also hitting the airwaves this week in Bach world…DUH these two broke up…Becca publicly spoke out against Garrett’s tribute to cops amidst the Black Lives Matter movement and said she doesn’t know where their relationship stands. Politics, man. Taking down whirlwind reality TV romances and also the rest of the world.

5. HOLLYWOOD IS ALL REMAKES.

WHO’S THE BOSS? – gallery – Season One – 9/20/84 Former athlete Tony Micelli (Tony Danza)sought a better life for his daughter, Samantha (Alyssa Milano), by accepting the job as housekeeper for advertising executive Angela Bower (Judith Light, top left) and caretaker to her son, Jonathan (Danny Pintauro). Mona (Katherine Helmond) was Angela’s mother. (ABC/BOB D’AMICO) JUDITH LIGHT, DANNY PINTAURO, TONY DANZA, ALYSSA MILANO, KATHERINE HELMOND

Since Hollywood is the LEAST ORIGINAL group of MF’ers on this planet…yeah that’s right…I said it…here’s what’s being rebooted this week. We’ve got a reboot of Who’s the Boss (this was before my time) but they’re essentially doing EXACTLY what Full House did. The main character played by Alyssa Milano will be raising her own kids with Tony Danza playing grandpa. Sounds riveting. And Dirty Dancing has tapped a sequel where Jennifer Grey will have a role and executive produce. SO WHAT WAS DIRTY DANCING HAVANA NIGHTS? Or the made-for-TV musical starring Abigail Breslin? Stop with the remakes, dudes. SERIOUSLY. Also, I hate to be the one to remind everyone but Patrick Swayze is dead. We bringing back his Ghost in holograph form orrrrrr? Obviously I’m fired TF up because maybe JUST MAYBE there’s fresher ideas that we could be executing here but instead the “talented” brains in H-Wood keep going back to the well and retelling stories that were told in the 80’s and 90’s over and over again. Or making internet videos of celebs singing Imagine during a pandemic. I’ve got a real axe to grind this week and I’m not holding back. CUT THE SHIT.

BONUS – If I had to see it, so do you.

My eyes were popping out of my head and my jaw was on the floor for the entirety of whatever the hell this was. I really thought about not including this abomination to music and also, life, but at the end of the day, my favorite rule is that if I have to live through something and be horrified, everyone else must suffer with me. SO WELCOME TO HELL, Y’ALL! Not only was I downright shocked that this is EVEN ALLOWED TO BE A SONG but on top of that the music video was a nice juicy visual of boobs and butt 24/7. Shout out to Kylie for making a completely useless cameo showing us that she can indeed put one foot in front of the other in a leopard catsuit. YOU GO GURL. Refinery 29 called this song “delightfully nasty” and yet I’m inclined to drop the delightfully after I heard the term “wet and gushy” not once, not twice, but 9 ZILLION TIMES. CLEANUP ON AISLE EVERYWHERE because that’s where I puked my face off to these lyrics. ENJOY THO! Hope your weekend is wet AND gushy.

 

PS Ellen, you’re still

theworst

and having your famous friends say you’re not mean does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for your image other than make them look like idiots too. Ya done.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/6/2020

1. Naya Rivera Missing.

naya

This is not the kind of news I like to report, I like to keep it light and fluffy for the most part but this is a huge headline that hit yesterday, and one that I was regretfully scooped on nonetheless. Naya Rivera rented a boat on a lake in California with her 4 year old son, when the boat was due back and they still hadn’t returned, the boating company went out looking for her. They found the boat with her 4 year old in a life jacket sleeping on board and did not find Naya. They’ve been searching the water, believing she has drowned and the most recent update is that they’re presuming she’s dead even though they’ll continue to search for her body. Apparently lake conditions are currently difficult for finding bodies, according to the police leading the investigation. They’ve basically been searching “by touch” because visibility is so low, which is a terrifying thing to picture doing. There’s a WHOLE bunch of things that are weird about this situation and let me be the asshole who points them out–maybe I watch too much crime shows and think I’m an expert, or maybe I’m actually onto something here but there are many fishy things about this accident. First of all, it strikes me as odd to go out on a pontoon boat (usually reserved for larger groups of people, known as a party boat) with just yourself and your toddler son. I’m obviously not a mom, so I can’t begin to judge her motherly decisions but I do know that I would never trust myself to adequately watch a small child while also driving a large ass boat on a lake. Seems like a second set of eyes on the kid would’ve made more sense. This is also coming from someone who won’t swim with her 3-year-old niece alone because I’m terrified of her drowning and she runs around the pool like a madwoman. Jus sayin. Secondly, Naya is not without controversy. She made headlines a few years ago with calling off a divorce to her husband and then having a domestic dispute reported where she hit him. Then they got divorced for realz. So their relationship was not without v. public issues. Again, this could be because I’m in the midst of season 2 of Dirty John, but something is odd there. Thirdly, she posted this a week ago:

I get that it’s common, especially right now for people to declare tomorrow is not promised but also THIS IS A LITTLE TOO EERIE. I very much hope that they find her safe and sound, although that doesn’t look to be the case right now. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see as more details are revealed.

2. We Finally Have a Trailer.

The minute this trailer dropped, my sister sent me the link and by the time I had watched it, she’d already viewed it twice. In fact, she watched it so many times that first day, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she’s on some sort of Youtube red alert watch list for that questionable activity. But ya gurl is just excited that we finally have a teaser–it’s about damn time. They announced a sequel almost as soon as the first one premiered two years ago (click HERE to remember how much I drooled over it), and then we all had to watch as the two leads very OBVIOUSLY broke up in real life, and you know what happens when showmances end in the real world…they most certainly end on film as well as the actors no longer want to smooch each other. I’m less enthralled with this trailer than my twin. I’m not a huge fan of making a sequel of perfection to begin with, and I knew where it was heading. Your boyfriend who tried to hide dating you for most of his senior year doesn’t just go off to college across the country without any conflict. OBVIOUSLY they set up a real rocky road for this follow-up and I don’t love that. Then on top of the fact that people in college rarely continue to date their high school sig other, they add in a new hottie high schooler with a gleaming six pack to tempt Elle. COME ON. Like seriously, who has a six pack in high school? Get the hell out of here. No one should be called a SNACK in high school. However, there is some tiny sliver of hope that these two crazy kids make it work after all and I will hang onto that real hard. You bet your ass I’m going to find out on July 24th and report back.

3. Matching Nudes.

Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that the Bella Twins are both pregnant and will probably give birth on the exact same day cause TWINNIESSSSSS. This week they did a pregnancy photoshoot together (and with Artem?) and spammed everyone’s insta with a bunch of nudes. I would be offended except that they were flawless of course. Check them out here and try to imagine how awkward it must be to be nekkid with your sister and then her boyfriend shows up and pops his top off to get in on the action. WHERE WAS BRYAN?!

Also, while we’re yapping about the Bella Twins, can we rap about how weird it was that their mom just casually had brain surgery last week? On the season finale of their show, their mom shows up for a shopping day and her entire left side of her face is drooping down to her ankles. It was v difficult to watch and I remember saying to my friend why would she allow them to film this? She claimed she woke up with bells palsy and seemed VERY casual about something that caused half of her face to look like it was melting off. Well, apparently it was a brain tumor and she had brain surgery this week to remove it. There’s a reason this family has a reality show.

4. #FREEBRITNEY.

@britneyspears

HOLY HOLY CRAP 😍 !!! My florist surprised me today by making the flower arrangement all different colors 💐 … just had to SHARE 🌸⭐️ !!!!

♬ Blinding Lights – The Weeknd

I realize ever since I got my Brit Brit graphic tee, I’ve really amped up my news on her but as a proud owner of a shirt with her mug on it, I feel like it’s my social responsibility to report the latest. Brit posted the above TikTok and everyone immediately started razzing on it because it was just another weird video in her lineup of walking on and off camera and doing a twirl videos that she posts on the reg. She points out the flowers and then they are in the video for .2 seconds and she just keeps popping in and out with dead eyes. A ton of people duetted with her TikTok pretending to be the videographer for this masterpiece, and out of them all, this one was my fave:

THEN, CONSPIRACY hits the comment section. Britney superfans start telling everyone to knock it off and reveal that Britney is closing in on 40 and still under a conservatorship. Basically she has no freedom to do anything without permission and all of her money goes to her dad. People believe that her dad is keeping her on a dosage of meds to make her act like a loony toon (which she clearly seems unwell on her social media) so that he can continue to control her and all of her assets. And now we’re on a #SAVEBRITNEY campaign. Also, as fans began commenting and asking if this was a cry for help, one fan told her to wear yellow in her next video if she needs help and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, BRIT WORE YELLOW. And even pointed out “this is my new yellow shirt” and at one point said she reads all of the comments. SO SOMEONE GO GET BRITNEY SPEARS AND TELL HER TO COME LIVE WTIH ME AND MY PARENTS. They don’t feed me drugs and sometimes they take me out for ice cream. We can make TikTok’s together of sound minds and you can show me how to twirl with my hands in my pockets. FREE BRIT BRIT!!!! JUSTICE FOR BRIT!

5. RIP Charlie Daniels.

This is just an excuse to post this bangerang of a song. Rest in peace, Charlie. Thank you for creating this masterpiece and allowing me to butcher it one time with my friend at a karaoke bar after a few adult bevs. We definitely felt like we crushed it, I used a borderline offensive twang and also air-played the fiddle. I hope you can forgive me from beyond the grave. Love you so much.

BONUS: Here’s a happy video of Tom Hanks having the time of his life diving into the pool on his birthday. What a gemstone he is. Bring this joy into your weekend.

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This Greyhound is 64!! Hanx.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of January 27, 2020

1. Bella Babies.

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BECAUSE OF COURSE THESE TWO ARE PREGNANT AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. And listen, I love them a whole lot and want to be BFF’s with them but this is RIDICULOUS. They know it’s ridiculous too. They had to basically be like no this is real and we didn’t plan this like the assholes that you think we are. As the story goes, Brie and Bryan were trying for a second kid for several months and decided to give up because maybe it wasn’t in their plan to have another kid and boom, Brie ends up pregnant. Nikki on the other hand, FRESHLY engaged, obviously did not plan this and therefore we’ve got a Bella oops. My favorite part about this whole story is that Nikki told Brie she was pregnant before telling her fiancé AND Brie was piiiiiisssedddd. Literally her reaction was “this is a nightmare” and that is hilarious to me. No one tells it like it is like your own sister–even more so, your twin. I know this because I have a twin (or so every bouncer and random bar bro who wants to strike up a conversation with us chooses to believe.) In this scenario, Brie would be my sister and I would be Nikki. I know this because I asked my sister the other day if I would be a good mom and she goes, you don’t even like kids. To which I responded, neither do you and you have one. TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME, BISH. Honestly though it would be a nightmare for the world if we were ever pregnant at the same time. Look no further than this ahole photo of us wearing leopard coordinated outfits on New Years Eve with bows stolen from my 2 year old niece.

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But anyway, back to the Bella’s who do wrestling, wine, activewear, skincare, reality TV, podcasts and now BIRTH together. Can’t wait for these babies to come on the exact same day because you KNOW that’s what’s going to happen and they’re both going to go OH MY GOSH! (You’ll only understand this if you’re a Total Bellas fan and have ever turned it into a drinking game.) Also, pour one out for John Cena who DID FINALLY SAY he would give Nikki kids and everyone overlooks that fact and he gets DRAGGED for trying to take away her chance to be a mom. Gawd.

2. GOLDBERG.

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HEY if I had to see it, so do you. Those are the rules. My eyes will never be the same. This is the second mugshot for ole Goldberg and boy have things changed in the last few years. As it turns out, meth is not GREAT for your face. He was all tweaked out and decided to break into someone’s garage and car. This blows. And I’ll tell you why. I shipped Goldberg. I thought the funny chunk who farted all the time was hilarious and when it was time to buy a Mighty Ducks shirsey, I bought Goldberg’s even though the cool choice would’ve been Conway. I thought Goldberg would’ve struck up more conversations and now I’m ashamed to wear it ever again because these are NOT the conversations I want to be having. I get that most child stars are messed up and pretty much the entire Sandlot cast has gotten arrested at this point, but what a sharp life turn to take going from the 90’s loveable chubster to meth head trolling through people’s homes. Let us remember him and all of my other 90’s boyfs the way they should be remembered, in the best decade ever, in the creepy blog I wrote about them HERE. Also, related but unrelated because Goldberg won’t be asked to join womp womppp, but Emilio Estevez will be in the Disney + Mighty Ducks reboot series. Welcome back, Coach Bombay. Don’t ever slick your hair like the Iceland coach and keep those ducks flying together and we’ll see if I tune in for this sure to be subpar dumpster fire.

3. Mourning Mamba

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I wrote a little bit about this in my Grammy’s blog because it had just happened and it felt weird for me to be watching the awards show and making my dumb twitter and red carpet jokes without acknowledging the awful loss of Kobe, his daughter, and their friends on that flight. Now almost a week later, my sentiment remains the same. I won’t pretend for even a second to know anything about sports or Kobe Bryant as a basketball player but I do know that so many people losing several members of their families in one fell swoop is a horrific tragedy and I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt that they’re all going through. I watched and read so many of the tributes and stories about Kobe and his daughter and old interview clips of him talking about his family and I cried at every single one. Out of everything that I saw, the viral #GirlDad movement that Elle Duncan started hit the hardest.

After so many people shared the video, Elle tweeted this out:

And the world flooded Twitter with adorable pics of dads and their daughters. Well Elle, here’s my submission because we can’t shout out Girl Dad’s without tossing the G-Man in the mix. The guy who explains 401K’s in Dawson’s Creek terms, who used the term lettuce in a eulogy because we taught him that it means cool hair, who learned a Jesse and the Rippers song for his live gigs because his daughters could not be more obsessed with the 90’s and who literally laid down on the floor to get a good angle for my Instagram. He’s not a regular dad…he’s a #GirlDad and a #GirlPapa. Seriously, this family has girls coming out of our ears. But that’s why we’re awesome because as Kobe knew, Girls run the world and make our dads 1 billion times cooler.

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4. My Girl’s Back!

My numero uno girl crush is back on a press tour for her new movie that looks creepy as hell, which means we have so many outfits to feast our eyes on! That yellow Paddington Bear outfit was something I never thought I’d like and yet Blake rocked it and now I’d like to own it for myself. I mean really, quilted yellow shorts. Who would’ve thought? Blake. That’s who.

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In addition to dressing like a boss bitch, she also broke her hand punching Jude Law and the only thing she wanted to tell us about that is how she nailed a dad joke. She is perfect.

5. A Non-Twin Pregnancy

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Number 3. 📸: @DangeRussWilson

A post shared by Ciara (@ciara) on

Ciara announced she’s pregnant again in this fierce and tropical photo in the land of rich people vacations and that’s great. Good for her! My bone to pick is with her husband, who also put his own announcement on InstaG and it looked like this:

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Number 3. @Ciara

A post shared by Russell Wilson (@dangerusswilson) on

I’m sure he was just flexing his portrait mode skillz but if my husband posted a selfie where my pregnant bod is BLURRED OUT IN THE BACKGROUND to announce that we’re having a kid, I would lose my shit. HEY BUD, WHO CARRIES THIS KID FOR 9 MONTHS DEALING WITH CRAVINGS AND NO DRINKING AND THROWING UP AND FEELING LIKE GARBO AND THEN PUSHES THIS HUMAN OUT OF A HOLE THAT IS NOWHERE NEAR 10 CM? NOT YOU IN YOUR REFLECTIVE AVIATORS AND YOUR STUPID EXPENSIVE CHAINS, I CAN TELL YOU THAT. Get your shit together, Russell and start worshipping your Queen, the temple that will house your child and then bring it into this world. PERIOD. (I just binged Cheer in one day and that will now become an annoying thing that I picked up from it and overuse until everyone around me wants to punch me. PERIOD.)

BONUS: Get YO asses ready for JLo (and Shakira) to run train all over the football field this Sunday and I guess two teams will play and there will be commercials and snacks and stuff. But mostly JLo and dem gunz. And Demi kicking things off by roaring about ‘Merica. If you’re really lucky, I’ll blog about the puddle of drool that collects on the floor while I wear my big hoops and sweatsuit in honor of my gurl.

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