Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – It’s All About Becca


HEY GUYS WE’RE BACK! As if this wasn’t enough of a ratings ploy, we kicked off the after show by watching THE EXACT SAME THING WE ALREADY WATCHED. Yanno, in case it wasn’t already hammered home that Becca got dumped, why not watch it all over again? Then we watch her fly home (coach) and sit on her couch looking at pictures and videos of her and Arie and sob. It’s almost like producers handed her these things and then turned cameras on…

Meanwhile, Arie is on a direct flight to Virginia Beach to get Lauren back and “have a panic attack” outside of her house. She obviously 100% expected him as she jumped into his arms and told him it was so hard being rejected that she moved back home with her parents. Must be nice to quit your “job” over heartbreak and move back in with mommy and daddy. She asks why he didn’t propose to her and Arie said it was because he saw a flash of doubt in her eye once and basically picked Becca because it was the safe choice and she seemed like she’d make a great wife. Could this guy BE a bigger asshole?! Apparently not to Lauren, who basically writhes all over him and demands the ring pronto tonto. PS Arie also tells Lauren he’s 1000% over Becca, like 3 days after dumping her. So that’s nice. Glad he has feels.

Now we’re back to the “live” portion, or as it quickly becomes evident, fluff on fluff on fluff. Not sure how Kendall, Bekah, Sienne, Caroline & Tia became the Peanut Gallery of this year’s finale but they’ve gotten more screen time than Becca herself and it’s getting REAL annoying (I’m looking at you Bekah, trying to stretch that missing girl, big chandelier earring, fame as far as it will go.) Chris brings the Spice Girls down to ask them what they think of all of this, individually, the question phrased differently each time. Lemme save you 25 mins, they all think Arie’s a douchenozzle, Becca is queen and dodged a bullet and Lauren better GET OUT QUICK.


Becca’s trucked back out to show everyone that she’s still a babe and she’s doing just fine, and to reassure the world that airing her breakup in full shouldn’t make us all irrationally angry. Once she confirms with Chris that it’s totes ok for producers to exploit her life and she signed up for this, Chris is like GREAT, let’s joke about it-check out these billboards, HAHAHA. Becca offers to donate all the drink money everyone’s been venmoing her and Chris is like YES WE WILL MATCH. Not for nothing but it sounds like Chris Harrison is speaking from a guilty conscience here after facing a little TOO much backlash on night one.


Becca gets her moment to face Arie and be the bigger person (cough cough because she’s being preened to step into Bachelorette) and all I wanted was for her to say, “First of all, how dare you?” Instead she forgives him and Arie is still a bumbling idiot who stutters, “I do regret regret proposing that day.” Becca responds that he robbed her of her first engagement and proposal which is SO true but like stay in this franchise and it won’t really matter in another year, girl.

In other useless television, Jason Mesnick and his 100 year old People cover that was once “SCANDALOUS” are also trotted out to waste even more time. Chris Harrison continues to make everything about himself saying he received threats after what they aired. Something tells me Chris has never faced a second of disapproval in his life and he’s really struggling with it. He would like Jason to comfort him.

Lauren and Arie come out next to try and get us all to like them again. It doesn’t work. Chris tells Lauren, “I can’t even imagine what’s going through your mind right now.” And she says, “Me neither.”


I want you to let that sink in for a minute.


This is the most truthful thing that has ever been said on this whole season. Literally not a thought in Lauren’s brain and she FULLY admits it. You’re so pretty, Lauren. Keep up the good work.


They reveal that their romantic story continued when Arie slid into her DM’s on New Year’s Eve. If I may borrow a favorite word from Lauren, WOW! WHAT A LOVE STORY. Lauren gets dumped for another girl, then they’re reconnected in the lush forest of DM’s. HOW much do you wanna bet it was after Lauren posted a babe soda I’m doing better than you selfie? The HAPPY couple is about to head out of the country and stay off of social media because everyone obviously hates them and also that’s what two people who don’t have jobs do. After they return, Lauren is moving to Arizona probably because she’s living with her parents right now and also because in this ass backwards franchise, the girl ALWAYS uproots her life and moves to the guys’ home city, which is preposterous, among many other things of course. Arie tries to sell everyone on him and Lauren like its a piece of real estate (see what I did there?) and not a living, breathing, relationship. Then he takes the opportunity to propose in front of an audience that is NOT having it, in the most staged and disingenuous way. I didn’t think anything could be more cringeworthy and tone deaf than him knocking on the bathroom door while the fiance he just dumped sobs and asking if she was ok AND THEN THIS PROPOSAL HAPPENED. What a joke. Obviously Lauren says yes, Chris Harrison wishes them at least one month more than Arie’s previous engagement and literally not one person in the audience gives a shit. PS you bet your bottom dollar I had my eyes glued to the TV to see if it was the same ring. How dirt city is it that Arie just 100% weaseled another free ring out of ABC/ya boy Neil Lane? I mean it’s not shocking at this point, because everything Arie does is terrible. BUT STILL I’M MAD ABOUT IT.

Oh, and also Becca is the next Bachelorette BECAUSE OF COURSE and we kill more time by asking what all her “BFF’s” (the peanut gallery) think of her being the bachelorette and then she meets 3 or 4 (honestly I don’t remember) of the guys from her season right onstage and it’s awkward and weird and NOW WE ARE FINALLY FINISHED WITH THAT WANKER ARIE! Thanks British contestant, who will only last longer next season because of your accent, for pointing that out. Can we all take a moment to laugh at the fact that Arie came out of this show looking like a total troutsniffer, no one even cared about his proposal and the finale was all about how flawle$$ Becca is. That makes me very happy. Now accepting over/unders on Lauren and Arie’s relashe. Something tells me escaping to another country to avoid a media shitstorm ISN’T A GR8 OMEN.


Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Glam Shaming


So I came in 20 minutes late tonight…sue me. It’s exhausting to carve two hours out of my life every Monday. (Apparently I missed Maquel leaving…was the reason dramatic or what? Fill me in.)

I started watching where Arie takes Sienne to the Hard Rock Café, what a hawt date spot. Sienne gives some real talk about growing up learning that love is hard and not always easy and that made her a hardass bitch. She also tosses in some intelligent thought about race and how it scares her that the other girls (whites) might have a better chance at this love story. Sienne is smart AF. Too smart for this show, DEFINITELY too smart for this dum dum Arie who can’t string words together, so obviously she gets the rose. Girl deserves so much better than a hokey chain restaurant known for t-shirts and guitars hanging on the walls. LANCO serenades them with the “Greatest Love Story” and it’s just movie magic. 

Will Our Love Survive with Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jaqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany & Caroline

A silver fox Green Beret and his wife teach the girls that survival is necessary in the woods, which apparently means peeing in a S’Well waterbottle and then drinking it. DEDICATION. How did you find your wife? She drank her own piss and ate a few earthworms. LOLZ, JK GUYZ! Turns out it was just apple juice that Arie did an over the top spit take with. This show is so goddamn stupid. And sad. I would never drink my own piss for a guy. Have some standards, ladies. After tossing back bugs and swapping spit, they form teams and have to navigate through the forest with their backpacks. The team with Arie on it gets lifted over every branch and rock so THAT SEEMS UNFAIR. The conclusion of “bitches trying to use a compass in light snow” is of course some hot springs (aka Nature’s hot tub.) In the steamy waters, Krystal tries to crawl into Arie’s lap and natch everyone calls her out until he swims to the center with no one sitting on his hot tub boner. Krystal calls this “so high school.” Wow I wish I went to a high school where 14 girls fought over a guy in a hot tub. I feel like the pregnancy statistics might’ve spiked.

Later on, Krystal really wants to hammer it home that everyone else is lame and she’s amazing and perfect. It’s exhausting for her to watch other girls try and she hopes Arie sees through their bullshit. I can’t stop laughing out loud every time this asshole speaks. Lauren B chats with Arie and asks what he’s looking for other than someone with a flexible schedule. Is that a requirement for any Bachelor winner? “I’m looking for a girl who wants to move to LA and work her schedule around my Dancing with the Stars appearance,” should be the tagline of the show. Lauren B gets it. Kendall and Arie’s “chemistry is off the charts and completely unexpected” hmm, maybe because she travels with dead animals that she’s named? IS THAT WHY you’re questioning your attraction to her?! Once Krystal opens her dumb mouth again we’re treated to a SLEW of bitch talking from the other contestants and I’m LIVING for all of the other girls impression of Krystal’s porny baby voice, More, more, MORE! Krystal obviously plays the victim with Arie and he falls for it so hard.

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 9.21.31 PM

Krystal then takes Caroline and Tia aside to tell them her feelings were hurt by them making fun of her and Arie trying to canoodle in the hot tub. They’re like really, dude? And she replies I was really uncomfortable getting the one on one so early. Lolololol. Who says that. For someone who typically hates the biddy drama on this show, I would watch Caroline and Tia team up and serve cold, hard doses of real talk on a show any day. Tia storms off to find Arie and I’m rooting for her until she goes “I don’t know, this is just f’ing hard, dude.” Tia. Call Krystal dude all you want. Do not call the guy you’re trying to date dude. Cut the shit. Tia gets the rose so I guess I need to start calling guys I like “dude.”

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 9.13.55 PM

Babysitting with Bekah

Arie likes Bekah because she’s mature and full of wisdom. So we’re really going to build up to this age reveal. They ride horses up to a hot tub so they can touch each other in a more acceptable setting. Arie talks about a car crash where he flipped a bunch of times and broke his collarbone. I actually appreciate this story because I was starting to forget that Arie actually had a badass career at one point and wasn’t always stumbling over his words with an infant in the hot tub.

Later Arie asks if Bekah is ready for marriage (if the time is right or she’s with the right person.) And she’s like I’ve never been with the right person and the time has never been right. Ok, smartass. He’s like no…in life. BASICALLY ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED? And she finally reveals that she’s 22. And Arie’s like FUCK. (Actual reaction below.)

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 9.49.39 PM

He basically tries to push her away before anything happens and she’s like nah let’s do this. “There’s no guarantees in love,” says the BBgirl who is guaranteed to not be ready for marriage and start poppin’ out kids tout suite for this 37 year old guy. He gives a long speech about how worried he is but then that turns into how much he wants to keep kissing her, therefore here’s a rose. WHAT AN IDIOT. Props to Bekah for that spin zone though. She’s like we all know nothing, such is life. Take a chance you big wiener. And Arie was like K.

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 9.49.48 PM

Chris Harrison interrupts Krystals’ 100th fake AF speech to the other ladies about valuing every experience to drop the hammer that the cocktail party is CANCELLED. Arie knows what he needs to do and Krystal has a pretty large dump in her sparkly cocktail dress. She obviously steals Arie before he can hand out a rose. She wants to tell him that she feels a connection with him or something. I don’t even know because she whispers everything like there aren’t cameras on her filming her every snakey move.

Roses: Sienne, Tia, Bekah, Lauren, Kendall, Ashley, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh & Krystal OF COURSE

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Sleep with One Eye Open


Hold on Tight with Becca K

Arie picks up Becca, hops on a hog and goes “so you just have to hold onto me ok?” Gawd, do they create every sort of sexual dating fantasy for every girl? I went three months in Italy thinking I was legitimately going to meet an Italian and he would take me for a spin on his vespa around the Tuscan countryside. Guess what I did instead? I spent three months getting drunk at a bar with 5 euro beers, talking to other Americans and eating a kebab every night before bed. So it’s safe to say I already hate Becca for this date. Krystal confesses to everyone back at the ranch that she’s seen a lot of body parts scattered from motorcycle accidents so THANK GOD she wasn’t on that date, because it would NOT HAVE BEEN OK. Nothing like replying to hold me tight with “I hope you don’t lose your torso when we both get smeared across the highway.”


Remember when I was jelly of this date just from the motorcycle ride? Well it gets worse. They arrive at a mansion where Rachel Zoe is there and Arie acts like he knows who the F she even is. Becca does a movie montage fashion show for Arie while he drinks champagne and twirls her in each dress. And whatdya know, she looks good in EVERYTHING. So she gets to keep them all. He then gets on one knee and gives her Louboutins. Is this a dating show or did she just get gifted a million dollar wardrobe? Neil Lane, not to be outdone by Rachel Zoe, is like Becca, frost yourself with my jewels and now it’s just getting creepy that Arie wants to deck her out like a Barbie on their first date. Be more materialistic. She shows off all her riches to the other girls and one’s reaction is “they’re going to get married.” Ah to be the dumbass that thinks whoever gets you the most designer duds MUST be your husband. True love.

“Becca lights up the entire room all by herself” says Arie, but yet he still felt the need to completely give her a makeover for a simple dinner date. (Bitter, table for one.) He keeps explaining that he just wanted to spoil Becca but like why? I hope it’s not lost on her that he’s spoiling her with ABC’s money… They talk about his past experiences and if he can change her brakes so she can stop spending money on a mechanic. He can. Becca’s last relationship was an on and off 7 year relationship and PS her dad died. Despite that sad hiccup, Arie and Becca have like the best first date ever and that’s gotta SUCK to have 21 other girls get to date and smooch him after that.

Home is Where the Heart Is with Krystal

They fly to Arie’s home of Scottsdale, AZ because apparently something about Krystal’s porny voice said, I should bring this girl home on our first date. Of course he brings her to his high school and points out his first jobs and she just stares with her mouth open, basically. He shows off his home, where they look at photos and watch home videos and Arie pretends to be embarrassed even though he set this whole date up. And then my worst nightmare came true, he brought a girl he’s had one conversation with home to meet his entire family. On WHAT PLANET IS THIS NORMAL?! Not for nothing but Krystal and Arie’s mom don’t NOT look exactly alike if you know what I mean.

Screen Shot 2018-01-08 at 9.32.38 PM

At dinner, Krystal decides to unload about her shitty upbringing and how she took care of her brother, who is now homeless. After she describes her brother being attacked while living on the streets and having leathery skin and singed hair, she’s like so does that scare you? RUN, ARIE. RUN. They make out and slow dance to a singer whose name I already forgot. More importantly, Krystal rubs her head all over Arie’s shoulder while they’re dancing like she’s a cat trying to get a head scratch. The next morning, Krystal doesn’t want to tell the vultures all about her date and therefore they want to skin her alive.

Let’s Hit Love Head On with Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G, Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Seinne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana and Chelsea


We’ve got ourselves a little demolition derby where the girls decorate their own cars and then smash the shit out of each other. Annaliese can’t stop hysterically crying out of fear before the derby because she had a traumatic bumper car experience. What about children crashing their cars into each other and getting whiplash as a carnival ride ISN’T TRAUMATIC? Props to producers for giving us a dramatic flashback to a faceless child in a bumper car like she’s been abducted or something. Arie comforts Annaliese and doesn’t call her an idiot, which she deserved to be called for sobbing over bumper cars. We soon learn it was all bullshit (don’t sleep on Annaliese for being calculated) because the minute the derby starts she’s slamming into people left and right. She must have felt SUH much better after getting extra time with Arie to dry those tears. Seinne wins. Haven’t heard her speak until this moment, basically but good for her.

Screen Shot 2018-01-08 at 9.02.50 PM

Brittany injured herself from ramming up everyone’s bhole’s in her car so she can’t make the night portion. The girls pretend to be sad. Chelsea steals Arie first to reveal that she has a three-year-old son and asks Arie how he feels about that. He’s like I basically only date single mothers so yeah it’s chill. Hey Arie, why you tryin to play dad so hard? Let’s reflect on that. Seinne turns out to be the smart, cultured girl who doesn’t seem like an asshole (YET). She went to Yale and studied abroad in Brazil and Italy. Arie’s like I worked at a Pizza Hut LOLERZ. Bibz yaps all night about how she can’t have any time with Arie, so obviously we all brace ourselves for a fiery meltdown, which does not disappoint as she screams don’t f’ing touch me and storms away from the group. Now I REALLY regret going in so strong on her in my predictions. I let lust get the best of me, obviously. Speaking of lust, Arie and Bekah make out for an obscene amount of time and it’s beginning to gross me out. She’s basically a 12 year old boy. I’m concerned for Arie. Sienne gets the rose.

Cocktail Party

Brittany gets the first chat and Arie wants to check to see if she’s braindead/give her a computer printout of a fake certificate for her effort trying to kill everyone on their date. Bekah and Arie tongue more. All of the rejects who still haven’t talked to Arie band together to take down Krystal whose being greedy AF and won’t leave him alone. She’s already asking him if he missed her, Ughghghghghgh GROSS. And she’s all, I didn’t even tell the other girls that I saw your house!!!! Want a cookie, bitch? Obviously Krystal triggers me and I can’d decide if it’s her voice or…it’s definitely her voice. 100%. Bibz flips the F out on her because obviously Bibiana is the spicy latina who will have no issues popping off and speaking her mind even though she basically hasn’t tried with Arie at all. Either way, expect these two to feud it out for at least another week.

Rose Ceremony: Becca, Krystal, Seinne, Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S, Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B, Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, Bibiana

Jenny(?) storms by Arie like a drama queen instead of saying goodbye. Since he’s 37 and not 5, he follows her out to have a civil conversation about it. She’s like I’m not sad about you SEE YAAAA and squirms out of his hug. Oh, honey.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Hair Down, Boobs Out


We’re back for another season of The Bachelor because like ABC couldn’t even give us New Year’s Day to recover, which is pretty selfish of them, TBH. We’re introduced to Arie, for me it’s the first time I’m meeting him since I didn’t Bach until 2015 and he was on it like five solid years ago. I learned that his nickname is “the kissing bandit” and unfortunately for all of us I think we know what that means. A season full of Chris Soules-esque sloppy makeouts. Just shoot me now. ABC runs back the footage of Arie getting dumped back in the day because obviously that’s the only “heartbreak” he’s ever experienced. Cue a scene with Arie walking with a helmet in his hand & 1 zillion driving metaphors. Then Sean and Catherine sit down to tell him that he could have marriage and babies REAL soon. Or like…short-lived fame. Either one, either one will do.

Chelsea is a single mom and is like it sucks but it is what it is LOL. (I wish I watched my mom say that on national TV) She thinks she has a good chance because Emily also had a child. Then she acts like a total oddball at her introduction and says there’s a lot….to get to know….. and Arie is like hm that was weird (but falls for it anyway.) It becomes clear quickly that she’s the house bitch and also that she won’t tell him that she has a kid. This secures her a makeout and the first impression rose.


Caroline is fresh to the real estate game and bragging about how many houses she’s sold. She’d love to have a kid one day BUT NEEDS A BOYFRIEND FIRST HAR HAR.

Tia is from Wiener, Arkansas and is this season’s accent that makes me want to rip my ears off flavor. Which makes perfect sense because her BFF is Raven. So it all adds up. She hands him a little wiener so he remembers her. I hate myself for just typing that sentence.

Kendall as predicted, is a WEIRDO. She’s hugging dead stuffed animals, playing a uke in a tree serenading a dummy seal. But then pulled a fast one on us and played it REAL normal meeting Arie. What a trap.

Bekah is a nanny who likes to climb mountains on the weekend. She drives a Mustang up and instantly makes a bunch of enemies but Arie is digging her bubbly personality. I’m waiting with baited breath until they reveal that she was hiding her age because she’s actually 18.


Marikh owns an Indian restaurant with her mom. She “uses many different spices but is ready for some salt and pepper in her life.” ZING. (Hey Arie, she just called you old.)

Krystal films herself working out on a beach for a career. Eye roll. She also has a homeless brother and packs a sack lunch for homeless peeps every day. Her raspy sex phone operator voice that is already getting on my nerves. Her entrance = holding her hands over her heart and saying a prayer or something and Arie gets a boner.

Bibiana was underwhelming for my #1 girl crush this season. I’m ashamed to admit it.

Brittane puts a sticker that says Nice Butt on Arie’s bhole.

Valerie dresses like a sparkly banana in a prom dress probably from Deb.

Rebecca/Becca makes him mock propose to her. Can you say COCKY?!

They put all the Lauren’s in the same limo. What a sick joke.

Amber (I’m pretty sure it was Amber…all of the A’s looked the same) announced upon her entrance that she owns a spray tan company and therefore has seen a lot of dicks and hoping Arie isn’t one. Sick intro, tell your future boyf how many D’s you’ve seen.

Annaliese is basically Hilary Duff from A Cinderella Story because she dresses as “the kissing bandit” and then builds up to a big reveal at the end because Arie still hasn’t seen what she looks like. Annaliese would be dumb enough to rob a bank with that mask and think it hides her identity.


One of the A’s I think asked Arie to smell her pits so she could make a pit stop pun. With the nerves flying around there’s NO WAY her pits didn’t smell of saturated stress sweat.

Maquel rides up in a racecar then steals Arie to take a selfie. Did they even talk? Probably not.

Brittany brings Arie out to the driveway where they race battery operated kid cars. Except the way that Britt wedges herself into a car fit for a two year old, while wearing stilettos, physically gives me the uncomfies. She bets him a kiss and he obviously lets her win so he can tongue her down. Brittany immediately brags about said smooch to all the other ladies.

Jenna gives him a foot bath and massage, causing me to throw up all over the couch. And she’s a real hot mess.

Rose Ceremony: (probably forgot some because let’s be real, there’s too many)

Chelsea, Rebecca/Becca, Marikh, Kendall, Lauren G, Krystal, Bekah, Lauren S, Seinne, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B, Ashley, Tia, Maquel

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor S22 – Ranking the Contestants

It’s that time of year again where I determine who I will hate with the fire of a thousand suns based on what dum dum answer they gave to pageant-esque interview questions or what made up job producers gave them.


I’m gonna be honest I think ABC realized that they needed to get their heads out of their asses and really step it up from the most hated bachelor and Whaboom guy, and finally decided to cut the crap. These women are old enough to begin considering marriage (if that’s what you’re looking for on this show), the majority of them seem to have stable jobs (whether made up or not) and have answered the questions like normal humans. Whoa. Let’s dive in. *I usually rank them worst to best but laziness got the best of me this year and I left them in alphabetical order. Sue me. (Pls don’t.)

Ali, 27, Personal Stylist.


Super normal and pretty. Will probably make it far…or her love for Nickelback will get in the way. I mean, I get that it’s a joke to hate Nickelback but who actually consistently listens to them? I couldn’t even list 5 Nickelback songs.

Amber, 29, Business Owner.


Held a python once because she wanted to be like Britney Spears at the VMA’s. Every girls’ dream.

Annaliese, 32, Event Designer.


Can’t live without cheese, admires Chrissy Teigen and Miley Cyrus, wants to be a Disney princess. BASIC BETCHHHH ALERTTTTT. (Also try to convince me that Ali, Amber and Annaliese are not the same person. You can’t.)

Ashley, 25 Real Estate Agent.


Fave movie is Superbad so I dig her.

Becca K. 27, Publicist.


5 things you can’t live without? “Chapstick, facial lotion, bobby pins, popcorn, and stamps.” I’m gonna need to know a little more about why homegirl cannot live without stamps. HOW OFTEN ARE YOU MAILING LETTERS? Are you a professional pen pal? Do tell.

Bekah M., Nanny.


This bitch won’t even provide her age and she kind of looks like Peter Pan in that photo so I’m out on her.

Bibiana, 30, Executive Assistant.


I think I have a raging girl crush on Bibz just from this pic. Even though she’s wearing a cami ala 8th grade dances, she still looks like a goddamn model. Then I start to read her bio and see that she’d love to be an orca whale — Free Willy is literally my favorite childhood movie and I’ve always wanted to be besties with an Orca while Will You Be There softly plays in the background AND her guilty pleasure is popping pimples. DON’T FEEL GUILTY, GURRRRLLLL. There’s nothing that compares to the joy I feel when I hear that snap of a pimple and the white pus oozes out. Did I just take that too far and gross all of you out? Probably. But I know my gurl Bibz would’ve appreciated that and that’s why I think maybe I should date her instead of Arie. If it wasn’t clear yet, she’s my fave. Official walk-up song:

Bri, 25, Sports Reporter.


Bri looks like a sports reporter and could stand to tone down her showgirl makeup a little bit. Also is she looking for a movie deal with this answer for greatest achievement to date: “Putting myself together after heartache and winning an Emmy!” So this will be her back story and that seems pretty obvious. What an obstacle to overcome.

Brittane J., 27, Marketing Manager.


Let’s first address how she’s spelling her name. Come on. As I’m sure everyone in high school did, I would be pronouncing that shit Britt-ayne. Other than that name, nothing stands out about her. Every answer ties back to how much she wants to get married so apparently she’s the one who expects to find true love outta this instead of a bunch of new instaG followers. Keep the dream alive, Brittaaaaaayne.

Brittany T., 30, Tech Recruiter.


 “Where do you meet guys? I don’t… jk. The past two I’ve met have been through dating apps and they’re terrible human beings.” PREACH, SISTA! Love a girl who can be honest. “Every guy I’ve met is a dirt bag. Thank you and goodnight.” At the same time though, if Tinder isn’t working, how do you know reality TV will be better? Hmmmm….

Caroline, 26, Realtor.


Caroline also seems like a front runner. She puts on a mean Celine Dion concert in her car—she obviously hasn’t heard my sister and I bring the house down with It’s All Coming Back to Me Now, but whatever. She’d like to do a fake Hibachi birthday with Betty White, Ryan Reynolds & Vince Vaughn which seems like it could be a real rowdy crew. I bet Betty White can catch a flying chicken chunk AND would opt in for the sake shots. So all in all, she’s probs pretty kewl.

Chelsea, 29, Real Estate Exec Assistant.


Another real estate B in the game. Also shout out to Chelsea for really bringing through the pageant vibes with Do you prefer hot weather or cold weather and why? “My ideal weather would be mid-70’s sunny, with a slight breeze.” ALL YOU REALLY NEED IS A LIGHT JACKET!

perfect date

Jacqueline, 26, Research Coordinator.


J over here is this season’s nerdbomber. She’s trying to get a Ph.D. (had to google how to abbrev that) in chemical psychology, wants to build animal conservations in Africa or India or some shit and her career is the most important to her. I’m not knocking a career girl but in the past things don’t tend to pan out well for them. Color me shocked that a show where you “find your husband” could potentially kill your road to a Ph.D.

Jenna, 28, Social Media Manager.


Jenna broke her wrist on a mechanical bull and this gives me hard flashbacks to my sister’s bachelorette party where she took a spin on the ole bull, gracefully stepped off of it when she’d had enough and still managed to wear a soft cast for two weeks after because of the way she was holding the bull handles. LOLOLOL. Hopefully Jenna’s injury was more badass than that.

Jenny, 25, Graphic Designer. 


What are you most afraid of? “Picking the wrong person to marry.” Welp, Jenny. You’ve picked the wrong show.

Jessica, 26, Television Host.


Oh Jessica is a television host that clearly no one has heard of? I wonder what made her come on the Bachelor. EYE. ROLL. Our Canadian flavor this season, Jessica makes her country proud with this quote, “Kissing is my favorite food.” Goodbye, Jessica.

Kendall, 26, Creative Director.


Kendall is a weirdo. She’s weirder than the chicken obsessed freak from last season. I want to pick just one of her answers to focus on but honestly they’re all so baffling so let’s do a quick summary of them. Her spirit animal is a bat, she once drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train, her ex gave her an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar and she loooooved it. She’s looking for a guy that can survive a Zombie apocalypse and would one day like to go to a hedgehog cafe. I can’t with Kendall. Either she’s a pathological liar or she’ll be telling these loony ass stories on every date with Arie and that’s something I can’t handle.

Krystal, 29, Fitness Coach.


When asked how good of a cook she was she answered Put your spatula where your mouth is, Krystal. That’s some confidence right there.

Lauren B., 25, Tech Salesperson.


Nothing about Lauren B was exciting which gives me PTSD to the last Lauren B. who was a plain bagel. We shall see…

Lauren G., 26, Executive Recruiter.


The Lauren’s are really shaping out to be a boring bunch. She seems fine, wants purple hair, watches This is Us, would like to be Oprah. Who wouldn’t?

Lauren J., 33, Recent Masters Graduate.


Out of the 4 Lauren’s, I’d place my bets on this one. Mostly because I laughed out loud at her guilty pleasure: “Eating full meals in bed. Like putting a legit body towel over me and ordering pizza – no plates needed.” I’ve eaten full meals in bed but I’ve never gotten to the level of needing a full towel covering my body. Damn, girl.

Lauren S., 31, Social Media Manager.


Alright, fine. This Lauren is alright too. Seems cool because she likes Taylor Swift’s squad and otters. I relate to her only having participation trophies for sports because I, too, am the opposite of athletic. I know…it may come across as a shocker because I seem SUH coordinated.

Maquel, 23, Photographer.


Can we get a phonetic pronunciation of this name? Nothing else really stands out about lil Maquey, other than the fact that she’s a baby.

Marikh, 27, Restaurant Owner.


Marikh here is a chef so girlfrand who described her cooking as better RECOGNIZE. I hope they’re pitted against each other in a cooking date competition. You can tell I’m starting to nod off reading these bios when I create a cast feud before I’ve even seen the first episode.

Nysha, 30, Orthopedic Nurse.


Nysha has a cross tattoo on her middle finger. I FEEL like this could be taken the wrong way. I do appreciate her approach on what fictional character she wishes she was because 90% of these biddies go for Disney princesses and she picked Mulan. My fave Disney movie. I mean, I’ll Make A Man Out of You was the best song ever written. Respect.

Olivia, 23, Marketing Associate.


Olivia is too young for Arie. I’m sorry but I’m just gonna say it. After enduring a season full of widdle babies for old, skanky Nick Viall, I just cannot condone this. Plus her favorite book is 50 Shades of Grey. Congrats on graduating college and learning more about what you’d like sexually but that shouldn’t be ANYONE’s favorite book.

Seinne, 27, Commercial Real Estate Manager.


Besides being another realtor and having a unique name that I don’t know how to pronounce, Seinne didn’t stand out to me. SAARRRYYY.

Tia, 26, Physical Therapist.


Best trip Tia’s ever been on was to a swingers resort in Cancun. Tia does sex stuff.

Valerie, 25, Server.


Val’s greatest achievement was buying a house in downtown Nashville before she was 25, further hammering it home that servers make more than I do with a full time job with benefits. Let that sink in.

If you’d like to lull yourself to sleep, read full bios here.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Crusty Lashes

Breaking news: Juan Pablo is married. Are we supposed to care about that? It was literally straight crickets when Chris Harrison felt it was necessary to pop off the finale with that announcement. Wasn’t he like the most hated bachelor ever? Not to mention there are no pictures, no exclusive interview, nothing. From one fellow scoopee to another, if you’re going to share news that no one gives a shit about, at least jazz it up with a pic. Hot start to wasting our time.

In a SUPRISING AND DRAMATIC twist, Rachel has to watch the finale live with Chris Harrison and a studio audience then face the rejects. Clearly grasping at straws for anything they can do at this point to spice up the final three excruciating hours of this season. Unfortunately rather than this being spicy, it basically just means that we watch Rachel tell us about her feelings and reflect on each experience on the show, then the camera cuts to Rachel telling us about her feelings and reflecting on each experience. BUT IT’S LIVE! Spoiler alert: Rachel still thinks each moment was “tough”. At least she looks like a babe soda.

Back in Rioja, Spain…

Rachel and Peter decide that since they’re both falling in love they should just pretend the engagement disagreement never happened. Peter gets the key to her vagina for the night. Good choice, Rachel. I approve.

Rachel and Bryan take horses through the vineyard and stare at each other a lot. Later he tells her how much he loves her and is in love with her forever and ever. He gets the booty card. The next morning he says, “We’re back on track, the chemistry is hotter than ever.” We get it, you boned.

The LAST Rose Ceremony

Rachel makes a speech about how she didn’t come here for a boyfriend, she wants that proposal. ***Laser focused on Peter**** It’s all for nothing though because she says goodbye to Eric. GURL. Why even make that speech? She tells Eric that she loves him but she’s not in love. It’s weird how I almost called Bryan and Peter as bottom two in like…the second week. OH WAIT I DID.

Over in fluffland at the Hollywood studio, Eric comes onstage and he’s like super graceful and thankful for the experience and not bitter at all. SOMEONE is looking for that Bachelor spot. The rest of the conversation between him and Rachel is completely forgettable, at best. What’s not forgettable is his new facial hair that is doing things for America. We see you, Eric.

Screen Shot 2017-08-08 at 8.31.03 AM

Hot Air Balloon Ride with Bry

The two make out in the sky and later Bryan gives Rachel a Spanish dictionary called “Bryan and Rachel’s Spanish Dictionary.” Basically he took a Spanish dictionary and put a piece of computer paper over the top of it like a book sock and wrote wife, husband, forever and “Big Rach” in the front cover. Hey Bryan, if you want her to pick you, maybe don’t call her Grande Rach. Like ever.

Church with Pete

They go to church to scare Peter further about marriage. Just kidding, they talk about saints and shit. Then that sly motherfucker of a monk is like will you become…how you say…married? And Rachel is like NOPE. Yeah this date will help things along. Peter is just wondering “about life, love, and everything in between.” And THAT is what we call scripted reality TV. I don’t care how much we all crush on Peter (A LOT), there’s no way he came up with that on his own. He then lists all the experiences he wants to have with Rachel like paint n sip and the farmers market. Yes, that’s called dating.

Later, he says he knows he’s in love and sees forever with Rachel but he’s not ready to propose. They repeat the same argument and both stand strongly in opposition. Peter’s like fine, I’ll propose if that means we can be together. And Rachel is like if you don’t want to, don’t do it. SHE WANTS HIM TO WANT TO PROPOSE. Could this be a more typical argument? Anyway, I think I blacked out for a little bit because I just figured they’d work their way through this and suddenly they’re kissing goodbye and Peter is ripping his JCrew sweater off to sob into it. Mmmm, muscles.

Chris Harrison rudely interrupts this to call it a breakup. I don’t know if I was just being naive but I 1000% thought they were just like let’s sleep on this and that Peter was going to bounce back the next day. I almost cried my eyelashes off with this jarring realization that they’re dunzo. (And my eyelashes are real…not to brag.)

Screen Shot 2017-08-07 at 10.21.21 PM

Peter makes an appearance in the hot seat and to say it’s pReTtY awkward would be the understatement of the century. I guess when I blacked out Peter was like you’re going to have a mediocre life without me. Kinda bitter but like Rachel sass handing him and telling him she’s living her best life was also unnecessary. GIRL DON’T YOU TALK TO PETER LIKE THAT.  Since Peter will obviously want that Bach nod, Rachel declares this process isn’t for him in attempts to curbstomp that dream. Rachel is literally every woman ever after a shitty breakup. I’M LIVING MY BEST LIFE BUT YOU DATE OTHER PEOPLE ON TV AND I’LL CUT YOU. PS let’s not gloss over the fact that Peter says he walked by Rachel’s crusty lashes stuck to the floor for two days, and thought about what he’d done. #ROMANCE. But seriously, clean those up. That’s disgusting.

PS do you think Bryan is about to hang himself by the curtains backstage listening to this? He could not more clearly be the last resort choice.

Back to the show–Rachel feels like she’s rushing it with Bryan after she loses Peter. BECAUSE SHE’S STILL IN LOooOVE WITH PETER and WISHES HE WOULD PROPOSE TRALALAAAAAA. During the proposal that was given away basically at the top of this three hour pile of steaming garbage, Bryan repeats the dumb Spanish line he said the first night…to bring it full circle. Then he also creepily says their first kiss was like a chemistry bomb exploded. Aaand apparently we’re also bringing it full circle to Bryan being gross. Rachel is like my heart is confused but I love you so much and I see my future in you. Yep this is everlasting love, folks. Also: pear shaped ring. Wuph.

Screen Shot 2017-08-07 at 11.12.49 PM

During the “After Show”, Bryan re-proposes to further remind us why we all hate him and they tongue smash each other onstage mere inches away from Chris Harrison. HOW CAN HE JUST SIT THERE AND WITNESS THAT WITHOUT TOSSING HIS COOKIES?! The couple that everyone definitely hates is considering moving to LA. WOW what a shocker. Rachel says, “We just want to live a normal life and get to know each other and spend time together.” Cough cough, EXACTLY WHAT PETER WANTED. Whatevz. Enjoy your month of press before your inevitable breakup, guys. You deserve nothing but the best.

*Editors Note: If the next season of this show is as unwatchable as these past two have been I’m officially declaring myself #done with this franchise. I’ve given it a fair chance. You hear this ABC? Clean it up or The Salty Ju is OUT.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Marry the Family

Screen Shot 2017-07-17 at 11.21.46 PM

Baltimore, MD with Eric

Eric shows Rachel the Inner Harbor and then is like LoLz I didn’t grow up in this area and instead points out drug deals on the way to the court for some ballin. Question: if you’re caught on camera dealing drugs and it makes the cut for a network television show, is that enough evidence for an arrest? Just wondering. Mad respect to Rachel for shooting hoops in her heels. They were chunky heels so it wasn’t preposterous but like don’t try to be a hero, Rach. Suddenly out of nowhere, Eric’s BFF shows up to read a script about how proud of Eric he is and describe him as a positive ray of light and role model to all. At the end of his speech he disappears because his work here is done. Eric is a star amongst jailbirds, we get it.

Screen Shot 2017-07-17 at 11.22.30 PM

Rachel is also the first girl he’s brought home so the pressure is on. Eric’s fam is at a hotel because hometown visit really means rent out a conference room staged as a living room. Eric’s family is dressed to the nines in ball gowns and sparkles. Within the first five minutes the whole crew does a coordinated dance in excitement. I cringe the MOST but Rachel is living for it. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Eric’s aunt immediately loves Rachel and conducts a 20/20 interview about what it’s like being the first black bachelorette and how everything is going. She seems cool AF. On the other hand, Eric’s mom basically tells him that she raised him to be strong and independent and bury his feelings and he couldn’t have gotten this opportunity without that. UM?? Eric tells Rachel at the end of the night, “Like damn I really love this girl, what I mean is I really care for you.” Because love apparently doesn’t mean caring, so we needed that clarification. Rachel loves it so much and re-quotes it to the camera. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard but obviously girl is swept off her feet for Eric, so whatevs.

Miami, FL with Brian

I’d rather watch Rachel do the Carlton with Eric’s family 1 trillion times than see Bryan suction his mouth onto hers ONE MORE TIME. Brian sits down with his mom and she outs him for being a real manwhore. She’s like you’ve dated every girl on this planet, like you’ve traveled the world to bang some strange and you fall in love on a TV show? I call bullshit. YA, we all do. Momma tells Rachel that Brian is her life, in a very threatening way. Can’t see why his ex girlfriend didn’t like her. At the end of the night, Bryan, wearing an ombre red golf polo (hard no) tells Rachel that he’s falling in love with her. Or at least that’s what she says. I’m 100% confident I did not hear those words come out of his mouth. Regardless, we’ve gone yet another week with Bryan’s smooth talking and deep tonguing and we still don’t know why he’s middle aged and single and his only relationship story is about his girlfriend not liking his mom. MAKE IT HAPPEN, ABC.

Madison, WI with Peter

Peter introduces Rachel to some of his friends, specifically to show America that he kicks it with black folks. Not just A black friend, EIGHT black friends. #DiversityDay. Not only is he completely blatant with this group hang but also apparently he’s bragged to Rachel that 80% of his friends are black. So that’s how you win the girl. His bros tell him not to F it up even if he’s terrified of getting engaged, which he is.

Screen Shot 2017-07-17 at 9.03.11 PM

At his family’s house, Peter goes where do we start? And Rachel proves that she has a script for every home visit when she goes FROM THE BEGINNING! (for the third time this episode) Pete snuggles up with his niece and Rachel is all PUT A BABY IN ME! Same, girl, same. Peter’s mom says he’s ready for a commitment but maybe not a proposal and Rachel is not liking that even for a minute. WHY DON’T YOU WANT A NORMAL GUY WHO CAN’T PROPOSE TO A GIRL AFTER A FEW WEEKS?! Chill on it. He says he’s very happy but you can tell that’s not enough for Rachel. She wants that L word. (I assumed Peter would be going home but really was just too focused on getting to the main event to really be sad…Dean’s father.)

In the Woods (Colorado?) with Dean

Screen Shot 2017-07-17 at 9.31.22 PM

After one too many teasers, I waited in anticipation all episode for the big reveal that was Dean’s family. It starts out with Rachel calling Dean her “beautiful surprise” which is a pretty weird nickname, tbh. Then we get to the good stuff. Dean announces that his father was traditional growing up but now is a “Sikh of some sort” and has given himself the name, “PARAMROOP S. KHAHSA” (My friend googled it for me, so that’s the real deal.) You know when you introduce yourself to someone and they say their name once and you have literally no clue what collision of letters that could be so you ask them to repeat it and when they do there’s still no hope so you just smile and say nice to meet you? Yeah that’s pretty much Rachel’s reaction to Dean giving her this information. She’s like ok cool haha so what should I call him? And Dean is like Paramroop. And I suspect that’s the exact moment she decided to not open her mouth unless spoken to at this family event. BTW, dad’s name used to be Chip. So that’s quite a transformation.

Screen Shot 2017-07-17 at 11.23.17 PM

Upon arrival, Paramroop with one stink eye and eyebrows brushed up to the sky, makes everyone lay down while he plays the gong. Dean pretty much wants to leave this earth from embarrassment. Not even just from his dad gonging out hard, but probably also from the fact that his whole family is sitting in a circle and acting like they’re all besties and haven’t gone years without talking. There’s a gift of feathers in honor of Dean’s mother who passed and then they are fed a dinner of mung beans.

Dean doesn’t eat the bowl of dirt and lies that he’s stuffed from all the air he ate before the visit. Then I can no longer make fun of this date and all of its weirdness because Dean confronts his dad one on one and it’s mostly just sad. Dean expresses his feelings of abandonment and not feeling supported after his mom’s death when he was only 15 and his dad is like yeah I was a real dick but whatevz. Apparently he was a workhorse, which BEGS the question of what P-Dawgz did in his former life. Did he have a career in finance that somehow led him to Eat, Pray, Love find himself a life of sitting on the floor in shades of Lavender and discussing his chakra? The world may never know. Just kidding. The Internet exists. I WILL find out. The convo does not end well. Rachel tries to talk to P-Money and he basically asks her to leave because it’s so uncomfortable and his son clearly hates him. Dean says he’s falling in love with Rachel as they roll around on Dean’s dad’s collection of sitting pillows. BE MORE RESPECTFUL, GUYS.

Rachel talks the dates through with C Harrison because he hasn’t felt useful in a few episodes since the rose ceremonies have been deleted from our regular programming. Chris Harrison’s job is to literally name each man and ask what Rachel thinks about them. Then he asks what she’s gonna do. That’s why he gets paid the big bucks.

Rose Ceremony

Bryan, Eric, Peter.

Dean just isn’t ready for the next step like Rachel is. Also his family is a bunch of selfish assholes. Fortunately, ABC announced his spot on Paradise weeks ago so we know he’ll be fine.