JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/2020

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Today is 9/11 and I’m not sure that I’ve ever posted a blog on this day but it feels really cheap to post nonsense about celebrity garbo without at least acknowledging the day. This morning I read the following blog that was written 2 years ago, but I never took the time to read it before. It’s a personal perspective of someone who was working in Manhattan on that day and lost family members and friends and I thought it was really moving and well-written and a reminder of what a big deal that day was because it can often get lost in the years (especially for people like me who do not live in or near NYC) so I’m sharing it with you. CLICK HERE TO READ

1. RIP to E!’s Kash Kow.

The world had begun to believe this day would never come. After TWENTY seasons of Kardashian’s on our TV getting married, divorced, arrested, knocked up, and going on lavish all-expenses paid vacations and then threatening to leave said vacations when there was a slight conflict…the era is officially ending. Once we witnessed as a world the transformation of Bruiser to Caitlyn Jenner…I felt like the Kardashians would dominate our televisions forever. It just didn’t seem like there was anything they wouldn’t film and yet they’ve finally decided that after building E! up and basically creating reality TV as we know it, it’s time for them to move on. They’ve officially become TOO famous for reality TV. As someone who religiously watched this show from its birth up until Kim married Kanye AND someone who wrote an entire research paper my semester abroad on how the Kardashian’s are actually savvy businesswomen (this gives you a little taste of what college is like in other countries…one of my greater pieces of work) I can honestly say that it’s probably time for these a-holes to go. I drank the Kool Aid, I watched all the spin-offs, and then just for shits and giggs I flipped on a recent episode this year to see what they counted as quality TV these days. The episode covered a massive fight between Kourtney and Kim because Kim held a birthday party for North in Mexico, filmed it for the show and Kourtney ended up paying for the crew and security’s flights out there for a birthday party that wasn’t even her own kid’s. And that’s where I draw the line, folks. Reality TV in itself is pure dumpster fire flames hot garbage. It’s called a guilty pleasure for a reason. HOWEVER, when it gets to the point where the show that you’re watching is covering fights about how their production team isn’t paying for their own flights to film the very show you’re consuming? That’s a little TOO real. This should’ve been settled in negotiations. I don’t want to see how a reality show is made. That’s not what I’m signing up for here. ESPECIALLY because all of these people are loaded and a flight to Mexico is equivalent to me buying an ice cream cone for myself. I want to see Kim call her siblings RUDE and hit them. I want to see Scott rip EVERYONE a new asshole, mock Kris Jenner directly to her face and then prank call her later pretending to be Todd Kraines. I want to see Kourtney and Khloe act like 14 year olds together and give me new stupid phrases that I can say or talk about how they put mayo on their vag to make it softer. I want to see a marriage crumble before my very eyes in the most cringeworthy fashion (cough cough Kris Humphries.) And you know what? We’re just not getting that content anymore from the Kardashians. They’ve gone full celeb-mode and can’t be bothered with reality TV. And that’s fine, just get them the hell off of my TV. Make room for the new crew…

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I’m just kidding this show looks awful too. E! just might need to cut their losses here. Their LIVELIHOOD was the Kardashians. I swear you could turn on E! at any point in time and they’d be playing some version of a Kardashian show. It’s either that or Sex and the City. There’s no in between. If E! was really smart, they’d not only rotate their old reality TV shows but also bring a few back. They played a marathon of Married to Jonas the other day and I sat immobile for a solid 4 hours just watching the magic that is Danielle Jonas trying to speak on camera. I also got to remind myself that Kevin Jonas went HAM on some crawfish in Louisiana before a music video shoot and had to leave set abruptly due to a mean case of the crabby runs. All of this brought me great joy. Jessie James and Eric Decker’s reality show? Bring it back. These are the people that are just on the CUSP of mega-stardom that create quality trash TV. They’re willing to do or say anything on camera no matter how dumb it makes them look and these are my peeps. Hell, if E!’s looking, give me a reality show. My sister and I make ourselves pee our pants from laughing at the stupidity of people in this world on the daily. We’ll entertain the masses. Just the other day we jumped in her pool after a few cocktails and she convinced me that because I ate so many clams that day, I’d sink to the bottom like a clam. I was legitimately scared to jump in. See? DUMB PEOPLE THRIVE IN REALITY TV. Anyway, I got carried away there (or did I just pitch a new show?!) Either way, I can’t report this news without drawing attention to the fact that the announcement came from Kim, still proving that the one who starts it all with a sex tape, gets the last word. Never forget “OH SHIT, RAY J” and the sex tape that started with just video footage of her feet at the beach. What a wild ride it’s been. May it remain in our memz foreva, especially if I’ve had a few cocktails.

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2. Nathan Scott Off the Market.

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She said yeah 🙌🏼☺️

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This is only important news to those who grew up wishing Nathan Scott would be their husband (at an unreasonably young age, high school marriages FTW) and would spend the rest of her life watching him make a free throw without looking, to then jump into his arms to celebrate. Underwear Slushee: Population – ME.

Ok, fine obviously James Lafferty is his own person and not a fictional babe soda who plays basketball and got married to a touring singer at 16. Congrats on his engagement, mostly because I approve of his choice, Alexandra Park of The Royals fame. It appears as though Marc Schwann may have been a real dirtbag, but he did manage to put James and Alexandra in the same stratosphere by creating both of their shows. So there’s that. These two have been very hush hush about dating but as a real Grade A internet creep, I’ve known they were boning for years and I support it wholeheartedly. If anyone’s going to have baby James, I’m cool with this Aussie babe. EVEN THOUGH it pains me to break up The Royals ship of Eleanor and Jasper. (Especially because those two have more pics together on social media than who they are actually banging) Yes, I’m aware that I’m far too invested in fictional relationships. That’s what happens when you’re eternally single and have the maturity of a 14 year old girl writing in her diary every night and re-watching teen soaps.

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w/Jim – photo cred Fellini aka @stephencolletti

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I expect none of you to watch the following very obnoxious fan vids for each fictional couple, I’m literally just posting them for my sister because if we’re going to talk about two top notch shows and the couples that made them, I would be a terrible fan to not include some highlights of their best cheesy, smoochy mo’s (yes I abbreviated moments, DEAL WITH IT) set to a dramatic soundtrack.

Wishing these two every bit of REAL LIFE success. Ya know, without cheating scandals, limos flying off bridges on their wedding day, assassination attempts, etc. 

3. Goldberg GLOW-UP.

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I’ve reported on many 90’s child stars who have had extreme run-ins with the law in their adult years. Since I have pointed out their misfortune and wondered why I had such raging childhood crushes on several cast members of The Sandlot who turned out to be wife beaters and various other 90’s gems who took to the hard stuff…I feel it is also my duty to report on when they’ve turned things around. This will be the first time I’ll get to report this to date. As you’ll recall, the funny chubster who farts a lot turned out to be a meth-head tweaker. WELLLLLLL…he’s been living in a sober house, he’s clean, and he’s got a new set of chompers and BOY OH BOY what a difference that makes!

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We’ve got the old Goldberg back, folks! I don’t have to throw out my t-shirt after all! He’s literally a completely different person from the creature pictured above and I’m real proud of him. Keep on keepin on, G-berg. 

4. Fall SUCKS (Pls read in Sandler shouting voice.)

Hi, it’s me. Ya girl who is OBSESSED with summer and would live on a tropical island if it meant that the sun would be baking my skin for every second of my existence and I could listen to the ocean waves and have salty beach waves foreva. When summer begins, I’m the happiest person alive. When summer ends, I’m the saddest person alive. I don’t care about your pumpkin beers or your football or your apple picking. Summer will forever be my jam and I’ll scream it from the rooftop. Score one point for me not being a basic betch. We’re already in that September sweet spot where everyone is yapping about that fall chill and cozy blankets from Homegoods and Pumpkin Spice. And I’m jamming my fingers in my ears and screaming LALALALALA as I strap on my bikini again and continue to go in my sister’s pool even though the temperature is drastically dropping. Why am I going on this rant, you ask? Cause it’s my blog and I do what I damn well please. But also, because I’m real dry on celeb news this week and I’m reaching into the nethers of the internet to come up with this “headline.” We’re already getting a taste of Halloween, because obviously with basic betch Fall comes spooky szn. If we’re being real, Spooky Szn started in March and hasn’t stopped yet. So let’s see how we’re gonna handle going to strangers homes and eating their candy in a pandemic. But regardless, Netflix has a deal with Adam Sandler to keep making his Happy Madison flicks and this one is the latest. I smashed play and got excited for a new funny Halloween movie to add to the mix, then watched this trailer with horror–not the fun H-ween kind.

You’ve got a stacked cast of Sandler’s usual suspects and basically every member of SNL past and present. Oddly missing: Rob Schneider with a lazy eye. Although, potential spoiler alert, he’s probably the creature causing all of the creepy mayhem. So to tack right back onto my shitting on Fall theme, this movie stinks. It’s not even out yet, and it stinks. There is no one on this earth that needs Sandler talking in a weird voice that changes from scene to scene for this Halloween season. Give me a seltzie and the beach and let’s pretend this never happened. 

5. New Beats.

Two parter for “new song Friday”, a feature that I only include when I’m desperado for things to include. The first song courtesy of my girl Demi and the “DJ” that just wears a marshmellow with a face on his head. It’s a fun lil 80’s dance vibe with feel good lyrics. Because when Demi tells me it’s ok not to be ok, I believe her. Thanks gurl. I am very much NOT OK. But you know what? That’s ok right now. Cause Demi said so. The second song was discovered via TikTok (I’m such a youth now) and I immediately grooved my face off to it. Lotta flack for this gent saying it’s not real country, but guess what, not all country needs to be Garth Brooks, so let’s relax. Everyone’s mixing genres these days. Let it happen, bro. Great pool/beach song for when you’re in denial about summer ending like MOI. (As I sit on the couch in pants and a sweatshirt, still cold. FU world.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of March 30th, 2020

I haven’t blogged in a minute because the world is ending and nothing seems funny anymore but then when I really thought about it, I figured there’s some people out there who would much rather read about celebrities or listen to a new song or watch a funny video than consume news all day long, which creates more anxiety. So here we are. Turn off the news or take a step away from Twitter and constant scary headlines for a second to consume some nonsense and hopefully have a giggle. I’m going to try to be positive this week. See? I bet THAT made you laugh!

1. Stabler Returns.

It has been announced that Chris Meloni will reprise his role as Elliot Stabler on a new SVU spinoff because Dick Wolf never sleeps, unless he’s nestled snug as a bug in a bed full of money. DUN DUN. Seriously though, I’m not sure if it’s the quarantine or if people are just finally beginning to recognize what a DILF Stabler is but Chris Meloni is having himself a moment. (BTW I know that actors play parts but I refuse to believe Chris Meloni was playing anyone other than himself in Elliot Stabler.) I distinctly remember sitting down for day-long marathons on SVU with my sister and an unhealthy amount of snacks just to drink in the good cop, bad cop routine between Liv and Stabler. Stabler with his badass Irish anger would come in HOT and be like YOU WOULD SAY THAT YOU RAPIST WHO RAPES PEOPLE and pound the table with those bulging ‘ceps, then Liv would saunter into the interrogation room, gently hold Stabler back and in her soft, understanding voice be like what made you do this? Who hurt you? And boom. Confession. Liv and Stabler were the perfect duo and the day they wrote Stabes off the show was a sad one indeed. They’ve reunited here and there and posted nostalgic selfies to give the people what they want, but realistically what we really wanted was for those two to bang because the chemistry was through the roof. But whatever, I got sidetracked into basically writing SVU cosplay and the real topic here is that Stabler is making a comeback, we’ll keep our fingers crossed for a Liv-Stabes reunion (which I’m sure will be in season 1. Dick Wolf loves to cross-pollinate his spinoffs, look no further than the several weeks each year he spends putting his 900 Chicago shows together in one monumental TV event.)

Also, to FULLY prepare yourself for his return to primetime, feast your eyes on this tasty treat:

2. So Does Lindsay Lohan.

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Im back! 👀

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If read the room were ever fully personified, it would be Lindsay Lohan choosing right NOW to announce her comeback and drop a new single that no one, I repeat not one single soul was looking for. And yet someone who thinks they are this important when literally no one has given them a second thought in many years is precisely what we needed. A good laugh at someone else’s expense is the best medicine, is what I always say. This B literally cleared her social media and released the above video at the beginning of the week as if she’s the second coming and the world has been WAITING with baited breathe for this. And thank GOD we didn’t have to wait too long or I would’ve probably chopped my own arms off in anticipation because today she dropped a new single and boy oh boy is it high quality music. Forget about the Lindsay that was a hot mess and moved to Dubai for a minute. Forget about her quick foray into club management in the Greek islands for reality TV. This is the real Lindsay, folks and I don’t know what we ever did to deserve it. In the words of LL in her hawt club tune, “shit got crazy.” But why am I still babbling? Just give yourself a listen to the HEAVILY auto-tuned (probably someone else’s voice in parts) tell you that Lindsay is coming back to herself and all will be ok.

And just like Tiger King dominated the world because we were all forced to watch white trash exotic animal owners fight with each other, this song will dominate as well. We’re all stuck inside and bored as hell and suddenly it’s like wow this song slaps and then it’s on repeat and guess what guys, we’re all Lindsay Lohan fans now. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. THANKS, QUARANTINE. No gas though, this song (below) actually does slap and anyone who says otherwise can see themselves out from this blog. I will forever be grateful for the movie Freaky Friday giving me punk rockstar dreams and a desire to learn how to play guitar. (Obviously I took one lesson, complained my fingies hurt and never attempted again.)

3. Classic Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler built an entire career upon dumb movies and talk-singing stupid songs and after trying to prove he’s a serious actor in Uncut Gems, this is just what we needed. It’s also very satisfying to see that even someone as rich as Adam Sandler still falls prey to a wife who loves a little Homegoods decor. I’m guessing Mrs. Sandler found the stunning piece of art in the background in 2015 when “You Are My Sunshine” was HOT in the streets of every home decor store on this planet. I’m also guessing I was v. close to a lifetime Teej ban for staging the below photo and calling their shit on Twitter. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is…celebs, they’re just like us!

4. Quarantine Sessions.

Obviously with the endless amount of time at home and people getting stir crazy, there has been an increase in content and people trying their hardest to entertain or generate some laughs and I just wanted to take this moment to give a special shout out to Cal, formerly of the band Timeflies. I’ve blogged about Timeflies before and Cal because not only is he a total babe soda, but he has the ability to freestyle and create songs on the spot. When he used to tour with Timeflies, his gimmick was that he would ask for a hat and a bunch of ripped up pieces of paper with terms about the school or the city he was performing for and then he would pull one out at a time and create a freestyle on the spot. Well he used this creative skill to start doing a new cover a day based on the world’s situation right now and the best part about it is that he thought it would be like a week or two in quarantine and he’d be done. But here we are now with no end in sight and he’s committed to just fully producing and recording a new song and video every day. So shoutout to Cal for creating quality topical beats each and every day with Quarantine Sessions. Don’t eva change. Below is a highlight reel, click HERE for his insta to see them all.

5. Handstand Challenge

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Anyone on social media has seen the millions of challenges that are cycling around as if it’s 1998 and we just re-discovered chain emails. From post a happy selfie to post a travel pic to post a puppy pic to the insufferable pushup or exercise challenges (barf all over me, if you ever tag me in a pushup challenge I’ll never speak to you again.) The world is challenge-happy right now and I’ll be honest this is a new one that I’ve discovered while looking for the last useless thing to distract you today. And WE HAVE FOUND IT. The handstand challenge where you put a shirt on while you’re using your core body muscles to balance upside down. And guess who can do it? ONLY ripped actors with personal trainers and superhero bods. I bet Chris Meloni can do it with that gleaming six pack of his. Seriously, Chris. DO IT. In the meantime we’ll pant over Jake Gyllenhaal, who I feel like I haven’t really thought of since the last time I listened to All Too Well and yet here he is with a little pony tail and a whole lotta body, making dressing while upside down look like a breeze.

Meanwhile, I’m out here spending 30 minutes huffing and puffing on the elliptical every day in my parents basement, dragging my ass up the stairs and then performing whatever song is playing through my headphones to the roomies to get them to laugh and pay attention to me. Same thing, really. (If you didn’t think I was going to work overtime to pivot all of this back to me, then you obviously don’t know me at all.) Handstand, shmandstand, I’d like to see you out of breathe scream-lip sync a song WHILE throwing your limbs around in a form of interpretive dance that should only be known as GANGLEROD. (Spoiler alert: neither song was guessed despite my commitment to the performance) Can only go up from here, now taking requests because I am determined to get one W.

 And for even FURTHER entertainment, feast your peepers on the day my family drank a bunch of homemade espresso martinis and decided to become TikTok’ers. First with our 90’s Beanie Baby knowledge, and then with our very first TikTok group dance. Because if you can’t laugh at yourself, you probably have a giant dump in your pants.

 

Inspiration:

Reality:

Stay safe, y’all!

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