Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Buncha Baby Bitches

peter

GET MY NAME OUTCHA MOUF. Okay we’re all caught up from two weeks ago. We pick up at the rose ceremony again where Eric is shouting at everyone and stuff. Lee interrupted Kenny and hovered like a real creep so that he could tell her his grandpa got cancer and gift Rachel with a block of wood. The other guys confuse the word quirk and cork. Classic mix-up. Kenny and Lee argue about how they’re no longer boys because boys don’t interrupt each other to give their girl a stray block from life-size Jenga. Rachel overhears and excuses herself to go cry because there’s too much pressure on her. (Ahem, as the first black bachelorette.) She’s #done with this shit. And as everyone knows, when the bachelorette has a breakdown and clicks her heels three times, Chris Harrison will appear to make it all better. Or he’ll just gather the gang to tell them that Rachel is hella mad and wants to start sending bitches home, STAT. I think we can all agree that cocktail hour went on long enough anyway.

Rose Ceremony: Anthony, Alex, Eric, Will, Dean, Jonathan, Peter, Adam, Bryan, Matt, Josiah, Jack, Iggy, Kenny, Lee

Our Love is About to Take Off with Dean

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Rachel and the boys head to Hilton Head Island down in South Carolina. Number one vacation spot for bougie families with small children. Cue the commercial with drone shots of the beaches and quaint southern buildings. THIS IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO FALL IN LOOOOOVEEE. Or ride in a minivan for 14 hours with your siblings and cousins to visit during school spring break. Either way, either way’s fine. Anywho, Dean is afraid of heights and apparently is SHOCKED that a date called “our love is about to take off” includes flying. COME ON, DEAN. They cruise around in a blimp because Rachel used to call blimps, “bimps”. I guess? I don’t know. I didn’t even know people could ride in a blimp. What’s romantic about charging through the sky in a chode shaped Goodyear advertisement? Nothing, I tell you. They fly the blimp by the hotel to brag. Total douche move. Eric obv takes it personally. Later on, Dean talks about his mom dying of cancer and it’s literally heartbreaking. Like why is it necessary to have these talks? He talks about his mom telling him she wouldn’t be coming home and I think I speak for everyone when I say I was choking back sobs. He gets a rose. They hit up a Russell Dickerson concert. Whoever that is. JK I’ll stop being a dick. His song was actually really good. Dean and Rachel slow dance and make out in front of everyone, duh!

I Want to See Who’s Ready for Commitment with Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will & Josiah

Rachel invites everyone on a yacht to embarrass themselves, essentially. The boys pop their tops off and immediately form a dance circle like Get Low just came on at the 8th grade dance. This awkward take turns doing shitty dance moves quickly morphs into a little rap sesh. Peter raps and it makes me want to cringe away forever and die. Suddenly, we go from a Diddy music video to a spelling bee hosted by Chris Harrison and judged by preteen girls. What a spin move.

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Apparently Rachel wants someone who can pop their pecs AND spell dirty words because the first word is squirt. SERIOUSLY?! On what planet has anyone ever said that they like a squirt of lime in their tequila? A SQUIRT? Props to Rachel for being far more mature than I will ever be (it’s not that hard) reading that sentence with a straight face. Kenny tells everyone he’s ready to show he has brains then promptly spells champagne wrong. Lolerz. “PHYSDE” is how Eric spelled Façade. Let that sink in. Josiah is the champ and his second to last word was stunning so clearly this whole thing was a downright scam. Stunning is round 1 shit. ROUND ONE. I should know, I won my 4th grade spelling bee, nbd but HBD, yo. I was a much more graceful winner than Josiah. As in, I didn’t tongue my trophy in front of everyone.

At the after party, Josiah drinks out of his trophy like the giant wiener that he is. Peter and Rachel talk about if they would move for each other and conveniently Rachel is licensed to practice law in Wisconsin. Hmmmm. Interesting. Iggy uses his Rachel time to say that Josiah isn’t real. Cause Iggy was put on this show to narc on everyone else and call it “being protective.” He immediately tells Josiah and everyone is like hey Iggy, you’re a big tattletale and no one likes you. The Lee vs. Kenny thang continues when Rachel asks each of them what happened and Lee lies like the capital R racist that he is. This shit is to be continued, natch and next week is two episodes of garbage instead of your regular scheduled programming of just one. Don’t you dare let the previews fool you into thinking that Kenny gets punched though. I’ve fallen for that trick one too many times and I’m putting my foot ALL THE WAY DOWN. ALL THE WAY. Every single season they flash some injury and tease a fight that never happens and I drink that kool aid like nobody’s biz. Well, not this year. After Carly’s fake black eye and the mirage of Chad throwing torsos in the pool, I’m OUT. Kenny either gets this injury from an activity or causes it himself because I REFUSE to step into the OBVIOUS trap that Lee the honkey can ever get a right hook on Kenny the pro wrestler that would cause that much damage. But damnit I’ll be popping a bag of popcorn in case I’m wrong. I’m like never wrong though. Honestly.

kenny

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Did He Finish the Banana?

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If you recall, last week was a to be continued because we’ve already started that trashcan rotation for the season. Demario is back to beg for more TV time. He kicks things off by shaking Rachel’s hand. Hot start. He’s sorry and stuff. He also has turned into Socrates in his time alone with his thoughts as he tells Rachel, “In order to experience joy, you need pain.” Rachel says boy, bye I need a man. SEEEE YUHHHHH.

To sum up the rest of the cocktail party, there are a pair of giant hands and Whaboom tells a story about Blake standing over him while he sleeps and licking a banana. No. Seriously. Speaking of banana licker, Blake is going through a hair identity crisis. It’s half slicked back and half hard side part. FIGURE IT OUT, BLAKE.

Rose Ceremony: Dean, Peter, Josiah, Bryan, Bryce, Eric, Anthony, Will, Jonathan, Jack, Matt, Alex, Adam, Kenny, Brady, Lee, Iggy, Fred, Diggy

Blake and Lucas both get kicked off and end up fighting outside of the mansion about whose funnier and who has a garbage clown life. The fact that this was a 10-minute scene that we had to endure foreshadowed this boring ass episode in addition to this terrible season.

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Lights, Camera, Action with Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred

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Rachel recruits Ellen to judge her men. She points out that terror Jonathan and goes, “This guy tickled me coming out of the limo.” And Ellen swiftly replies, “I don’t like that.” Me neither, Ellen. Me neither. Then she marches right over to him and gives him a hard tickle. YEAH. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, TICKLE MONSTER? Bryan snatches the mic from Ellen to tell everyone that he got to kiss Rachel. What a 37 year old LOSER. There’s a lot of shirtless man meat grinding on old ladies. (We see you, Alex) followed by a preeetttyyyy lame version of Never Have I Ever. It becomes clear that Fred has made the watch list for next cut when he tells the camera that Rachel is deeply rooted in his soul and he can’t do anything without thinking about her.  As if that isn’t creepy enough he also asks Rachel if it’s an ok time to kiss her at the after date party. ALL THE CRINGES IN THE WORLD. It’s the most one-sided smooch on this earth and Fred starts rambling about how the minute his lips touched hers he envisioned her in a wedding dress. On the other end of the spectrum, Rachel tells us all it was like a little boy kissing her. Is there anything more insulting on this earth? Probably kicking Fred out while carrying a rose in her hand, but that’s neither here nor there. (It’s a tragedy he couldn’t take weirdo  pants Jonathan with him.) Alex gets the rose because he has good abs and sexual AF dance moves.

Meet Me at the Rodeo with Anthony

Everyone is stopping to take pictures and shout at Rachel and Anthony riding horses down Rodeo Drive cause like, they’re the most famous people in LA. Since this is a cowboy themed date (because cowboys go shopping on Rodeo Drive) Rachel points out that she’s from Dallas no less than 100 times. We get it, you’re a country girl. Although to be clear, true country girls aren’t wearing Ted Mosby red cowboy boots. But whatevzzz, who am I to judge? As to be expected when you feed a horse cupcakes then tromp it into ANYWHERE BUT A BARN, it’s going to shit all over the place. Hey, at least the bougie boutique with the glitter graphic tees for probably $100 a piece got a little free pub before the horses dumped out all over. Quick tip: if the only thing I have to talk about from this date is horse shit, IT PROBABLY WAS A PRETTY BORING DATE. Later on her and Anthony smooch and dance and stuff and he gets a rose probably. Who cares.

tedmosby

At the mansion, Eric gets drunk and wah-wah’s about how this whole thing is fake and he’s feeling insecure. Iggy tries to insert himself to shut him up and the boozy shouts start.

Sometimes in Relationships the Women have to Take Charge with Kenny, Bryce, Jack, Eric, Lee, Bryce, Adam & Dean

Rachel brings last season Bachelor rejects 1-4 along for the group date to try and further convince us that these are her real life besties. She does so by saying “my girls” a lot. Raven has a bottle of fireball in between her legs, her back is on full display in a white bodysuit and she starts whispering in Bryce’s little elf ear on the party bus. This doesn’t seem like something I would want one of “mah girls” doing on my date. But that’s just me. The guys strip down for a little mud wrestling and this is when we truly get to see what low budget acting looks like.  A lady wearing a hot pink corset that can only being found in costume stores calls the rounds with her tits spilling out the top. Then, before each fight begins, the camera pans to a different extra in the crowd who will shout things like, “LET ME SEE YOUR JUNK, WOOOOOO!” or “LET ME SEE THAT BUTT” with an over the top wink and shrill shout. These “actresses” most likely got paid more than I make in a week to do this. Life is sad. Somehow Bryce wins over Kenny (an actual wrestler), I smell a rigged competition. Fun fact: everyone looks super disgusting caked in mud.

muddybryce

Rachel asks her BFFL’s which of the guys they like and they all ❤ Dean and h8 Eric. Corinne doesn’t even know where she is. Thanks for coming, girl. You deserve a nap.

Later on Kenny shows Rachel how he used to be a Chippendale by ripping his shirt off and grinding on her. Eric sits down with Rachel and she immediately narcs that Bryce and Lee were talking about him earlier on the date. Not to her. TO ONE OF HER GIRLS. Eric confronts Lee and Bryce and they both lie, obviously. Eric gets the rose. Lee says he’s happy for him in a way that really means he wishes Eric would die. (After he just told Eric how much he loves and respects him. Yeah, ok.)

At the cocktail party, everyone talks shit about Eric basically. And by everyone I mostly mean Iggy and Lee. This is the part of the show where there’s no actual story so they just have people who don’t like each other fight and tattle to the Bachelorette that so and so isn’t there for the right reasons. It’s pointless because everyone in the world knows that Iggy, Eric and that racist Lee will not end up with Rachel. Eric reassures Rachel that he’s real AF and then gathers the boys to scream at everyone to get his name out their mouths. Way to keep it cool. Calm as a cucumber. It’s to be continued obviouslyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

PS not for nothing but Blake is a helluva Whaboomer. He should seriously consider that as a future career path if being an uptight dick doesn’t work out for him.

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The Bachelorette – Copper Rules, DeMario Drools

 

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It’s like the producers knew I wasn’t really feeling this season and they try to hook me at the beginning of the episode and reassure me of my choices by tossing in gratuitous Copper scenes. And I accept. What I refuse to accept is that Copper is a casj cripple. WHO HURT YOU COPPER? I’LL HUNT THEM DOWN LIKE A DOG.

I’m Looking for Husband Material with Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred & Lucas

The guys start out with some grilled food that they don’t eat and tossing a little of the ole pigskin around. Lucas obv whabooms a lot then hardcore spins Rachel in her dress (it’s a good thing they didn’t eat those hot dogs), Blake seethes from the side because he was put on this show to wholeheartedly hate Lucas. Then, SURPRISE! Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher have joined the show to moderate the date’s activity. Someone utters that they are, “The most perfect couple in Hollywood right now” and I audibly gasped. DO NOT insult Blake and Ryan with such cutting words. Mila asks all the guys if they have jobs and Blake, Whaboomer & Tickle Monster are ODDLY silent. Ashton predicts Rachel’s guy isn’t in this group. Yeah no shit, we can all predict that, have you ever seen this show before? Mila makes some dirty sex comments that SURPRISINGLY make the cut on a show that then blurs out what I hope is fake poop in baby diapers. If it’s real poop then I’m concerned for how realistic these games are. In the Danny Tanner competition, most of the guys are sent to the doghouse for killing their babies, except for Lucas who literally drowns his offspring while unclogging the sink and yet still wins. He also bodies Kenny (whose career is pro wrestler…bold) to secure the W. And of course, for the grand finale, Lucas “Whaboom” spikes his baby. As a winning prize, he tries to convince Ashton to do a Whaboom and even the creator of an MTV show that pranked D list celebs was like yeah, no. I’m not going to do that. KICK ROCKS, LUCAS.

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Later on, Rachel is feeling no chemistry with any of these guys because real talk they’re all duds. Blake the aspiring drummer gets on his soap box to tell the other guys that he “knows Lucas from another time” and thinks he just wants to get on TV. AKA someone tipped him off to IMDB Lucas and see that he’s just an actor…which by the way is TOTAL BS. Either way, Blake fulfills his life mission to ruin his own chances by only talking about Lucas and narcs to Rachel that he’s not here for the right reasons because he lived with his ex-girlfriend or something that I don’t care to remember. Dean interrupts this sad, sad after-date party to soak Rachel’s panties just by joking with her. Hot crowd. He obviously gets rosed and a lot of smooches with red lipstick face, free of charge.

I’m Looking for My Best Friend with Peter

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Rachel brings Copper on the date and I’M ALL IN. Her Peter and Copper fly to Palm Springs for a bark box doggie pool party and I’ve never grinned at the TV harder. Peter, who? MORE COPPER PLS. How do I get an invite to one of these pup parties and do I need to have a dog in order to attend? You can get back to me on that. I guess Peter and Rachel bond but I don’t care because I spend the whole time wondering what Copper is up to and if the other dogs are picking on her for having a cast at a pool party. Turns out she doesn’t let that hold her back and still hops right into the pool for a quick dip. When she wants to get loose, Peter picks her right up and they dance. It’s the cutest darn thing on this earth. Side note: when Peter asked what happened to Copper’s leg, Rachel was REAL sketchy and said they could talk about it off camera. NOW I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. Why not just cut that part out completely? My curiosity is through the roof.

Later on, Rachel wears a bangarang dress and the two bond over being gap toothed. They also both went to relationship therapists, where they learned it’s not their fault they’re so gap toothed. Just kitten. This conversation is boring and would’ve been more interesting if Copper was sitting at the table with them being adorbs AF. Peter gets a rose and they watch a fireworks show outside. Rachel puts earphones on Copper AS IF he’ll not be terrified of fireworks directly on top of him. My dog used to hide from the vacuum. BE SMARTER, RACHEL. DOGS HATE FIREWORKS.

Swish with Lee, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Matt, Eric, Josiah, DeMario

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Rach wants to find a baller so she brings the gang to open gym with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I haven’t seen Kareem since he helped Uncle Jesse find his sweet spot for DJ’s charity basketball game and it would be putting it mildly to say that he has aged. In fact, if someone hasn’t checked on Kareem since this was filmed, I suggest that they do so because he was a whisper away from flatlining right on that bench. Anyway, let’s talk about how Josiah said Rachel’s leggings fit her like a coca cola bottle. Is that a compliment? During practice time, DeMario dunks right in Rachel’s grillpiece and compares himself to Jordan, Brady AND Jeter. So he’s staying really humble and his overconfidence definitely won’t become an issue. The boys then learn that they have to play a full game for a “packed” house. They can’t seem to get their heads in the game and it’s a real sad excuse for a bball game.

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After the game the actual Cash me Ousside girl approaches Rachel to tell her she was dating DeMario when he went on after the rose. She seems well intentioned until Rachel drags DeMario out of the locker room to get cornered and it turns into a full-on episode of Maury. Lil Miss Scrunchie is talking directly to the camera, dropping F bombs and running her mouth like nobody’s biz. Shit got ratchet real quick and Rachel finally has to put her foot down when she reads a text chain that tosses Demario’s deny, deny, deny, then lie tactic right out the window. Not even a well-timed dunk will save him now.

Rachel tells him to get the F out. Chris Harrison tries to pop in for a little pep talk but Rachel is not having it after being cornered by someone wearing a nude colored scrunchy in front of cameras. She addresses the locker room about what just happened. She didn’t come here to get played, she came here to keep it one hunnid. Lee needs further explanation of what that means.

Later on, all the guys comfort her as if someone has passed instead of a playa being sent home. There are songs, poems, bible readings (?) and smooches all to make Rachel feel less sad. This is the point in time where I’d like to remind everyone that I was duped real hard by DeMario’s witty bio and charming good looks and I picked him as my only favorite this season. WHOSE GOING TO COME AND COMFORT ME?! Never once in his bio did it allude to the fact that he was shacking up with a scrunchie-wearin street rat. I am appalled. Josiah gets rosed.

Cocktail Hour

Rachel gives a shoutout to all the guys who didn’t show up to propose to her already in a relationship and Brian the Colombian steals her away right quick. He jams his tongue down her throat and says he missed her. Then gives her a massage. Be 1 trillion times less aggressive Brian, you big creep. Suddenly DeMario shows up at the mansion and has to go through 3 tiers of security and finally Chris Harrison to get to Rachel. Chris Harrison pulls Rachel aside to tell her that speaking of today’s incident, an uninvited guest has arrived. Rachel replies “who?” America collectively rolls their eyes right out of their skulls. It’s to be continued and MAY I SAY that episode 2 of the season IS WAY TOO SOON to start f’ing with the structure of the show and moving rose ceremonies to the beginning of each episode. Get your head out of your ass, ABC.

 

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – “I Have No Whaboom in Me”

(FRONT) MILTON, BRYCE, JEDIDIAH, JACK, FRED, IGGY, RACHEL LINDSAY, KYLE, JAMEY, MICHAEL, LEE, KENNY, BLAKE E.; 
(MIDDLE) MATTHEW, BRYAN, PETER, JOSIAH, DEAN, GRANT, KENNETH, BLAKE K., ERIC, ROBERT;
(BACK) JONATHAN, WILL, ADAM, DEMARIO, ALEX, MOHIT, LUCAS, ANTHONY, BRADY

Chris Harrison kicks off the episode with a cheesy Zack Morris talking to the camera disclaimer about why this season of the Bachelorette is ahem, so different & special. And why Rachel got such an outpouring of love and support. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, ABC is 100 years behind the curve and never had anyone but whiteys as the star of the show. LET’S GET THINGS STARTED! We see Rachel in a community court setting standing up and saying, “I object”. So like, that must mean she’s a real big lawyer.

Another extremely important takeaway: Apparently they got loosey goosey this season and let Rachel bring her dog. Quickest way to get me to commit to this season? Give the pup maximum screen time. In fact, if we could incorporate the little wuppy into all future dates that would be ideal. Tysm. Since I can’t write a blog all about Copper the dog (I mean I could, but whatever) let’s talk about the 30 goons.

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“Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King” (say that 10 times fast) is the pro wrestler with a heart of gold apparently. He’s a contender right now and I’ll temporarily forget his affinity for edible arrangements as romantic gifts. Kenny talks about how much he loves his daughter, does the wave with Rachel as his intro and is nice to all the other guys.

Jack Stone introduces himself as Jack. WTF. WHY SAY YOUR NAME IS JACK STONE IF YOU’RE GOING TO GO AS JUST JACK? Just Jack talks about his mom dying from cancer when he was in high school. So he’s a real downer. Also, his teeth are confirmed 1000% fake.

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Alex’s intro is all gym rat, until he starts coding and tossing around a Rubik’s cube of course. He speaks another language and puts meats on a kebab with his mom.

Mohit looks like he’s 17 and he wants to get married because he’s pretty much the last one in his giant family to get married and have kids. The pressure is real. Instead, he gets super drunk on night one and watches Rachel kiss another guy. You win some, you lose some, Mo.

Lucas immediately teaches us what Whaboom is…apparently THIS IS HIS CATCHPHRASE THAT HE SHOUTS WHILE HE MAKES WEIRD FACES AND HAS SEIZURES. Definitely NOT what I pictured when I read this as his career and refused to Google it. Lucas uses a megaphone from the limo to shout about his testicles and how he’s Rachel’s future husband. Then he obviously whabooms her real hard. SHE DOES NOT SEEM TO ENJOY IT. Neither does anyone else in the house when he does it 1 trillion more times. He hawks his Whaboom frat tanks on twitter though, so who cares what the other guys and the rest of America thinks, amirite? Merch never sleeps.

Diggy gave himself this nickname because of how fashionable he is. He tells Rachel he’s, ‘Hopefully here to teach her how to dig’. That’s enough, Diggy.

Josiah talks about cutting his brother down from hanging from his backyard tree after he was bullied about his weight when he was a child. Was not looking for that deep, dark turn while watching my trash TV. He was rebellious for a while and now he’s a state attorney reppin kids like him. He ALSO gets a fake court scene (match made in heaven with Rachel?) Jo looks sharp in a grey jacket on the first night but then quickly negates it with a little legal jargon flirting. SNAGS THAT FIRST STEAL, THO. (So everyone hates him.) They talk about lawyering stuff and then Josiah fights with Demario about who will make Rachel their wife. So he went from frontrunner to buhhole real quick.

During a quick break from meeting these boneheads, we cut to the loser contestants from Nick’s season giving Rachel advice/talking over each other. It didn’t take long to remember how annoying all these biddies were. Whitney (?) who never once spoke last season, tells Rachel that her sorority sister’s friends mom’s cousin knows Demario from the grocery store once and his intentions probably aren’t pure. Thanks for coming, Whitney. Rach talks about how much she loves her squad. I would KMS if this was my group of friends.

Peter wants to change her luck with Wisconsin guys. He’s cute and he’s wearing a spiffy plaid jacket. Later on, he says everyone likes chocolate and pulls out a box, Rachel doesn’t like chocolate. OK, GIRL. Hey Peter, I LOVE CHOCOLATE.

Bryan speaks Spanish to Rachel at their first meeting and she understands a little. He says get ready to date a Colombian, boo. Later on he reveals that he’s old and ready to settle down. Then he says he’s good with his hands and sticks his tongue WAY down her throat. Even though he attempts to swallow her head whole, he gets the first impression rose. He slobbers on her again as a thank you.

Bryce picks her up and is obv wearing his fireman’s patch. Do you think he’s a firefighter or something?

Will gets bonus points for doing an Urkel impression then getting back in the limo and popping out as Stefan in a full suit. Smooooth.

 

Not-Drummer-Blake’s grandparents dated for a couple of months and have been married for 65 years. Unfortunately this did not help his chances and he was kicked off and wah-wahed about it.

Brady breaks a literal block of ice in front of her. Just stand there and be pretty, Brady.

Side Bar: I’ve never seen a room full of men turn into a bunch of insecure bitches faster than when the limo with the guys who already met Rachel on After the Rose showed up. They rolled in and immediately everyone was like Hi, you got 30 more seconds of screen time than us and therefore we hate your stinkin guts. It was like hate for the first steal guy magnified by a billion.

Dean (originally met Rachel on the after the rose) and declared once he goes black he never wants to go back. He asked for reassurance on his introduction because obviously he got some backlash for being accidentally racist or insensitive. Rach was like I loved it so much!!! Later on, he tells her that he lives near the beach so they build a sandcastle in a sandbox.

DeMario is confident AF and then immediately turns into a douche and I regret saying he was my favorite, of course. But then he says N*SYNC or BSB as his first question to Rachel and they both answer correctly #dirtypopforlife. But seriously though, fighting with the other guys on night one about how this woman is your wife is too aggress.

Blake the aspiring drummer spends his pre-recorded intro talking about his penis and sex skills.  Then at the mansion he drumlines in and thinks he redeemed his awk intro on the after the rose special. She’s not looking for a marching band, bro. Also you talked about your dick on national TV, people don’t forget. It soon becomes clear that Blake hates Whaboom guy, like A LOT. Like might commit a murder in front of our very eyes. They both need to GO.

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Fred brings his yearbook to show that he was in 3rd grade at the same school Rachel was in 8th grade. Rachel wants to get to know Fred as a grown up since he was a little asshole child.

Jonathan steps out of the limo with that serial killer mug of his and then tells Rachel to close her eyes and put her hands out. He then tickle attacks her and I almost rocketed off of my couch in rage. TICKLING IS THE WOOOORST. No girl likes to be tickled. It can be compared to a form of torture and if I were Rachel I would’ve stomped right off that stupid wet driveway set if someone came at me hot with tickle hands. Jonathan needs to get off of this planet.

Lee sings a shitty song and gives her a flower. (Also I wasn’t far off by saying he was going to be trouble…apparently he’s the house bully this season and also might have a girlfriend on the side. DRAAAMAAAA)

Milton takes a selfie, that he’ll probably try to sell because he’s trying to get “discovered”. Unfortunately, admitting you want fame in your bio doesn’t always add up and he’s sent home. He turns on the tears REAL quick to show that he has range in case any casting directors are watching and talks about how he was the best dressed in the room A LOT. If we’re being honest, Peter was dressed like a baller, Milton’s just meh.

Adam brings a creepy dummy that’s basically a The Children’s Place window mannequin. It gets a lot of closeups and NOT UP IN HERE am I going to watch a TV show with a terrifying doll as the main bit. MAKE IT STOP, ABC. This guy deserves to be kicked off just for bringing this creature.

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Matt is this year’s dolphin/shark and dresses up as a penguin because they mate for life. He can’t really see out of his costume but it turns out that it conveniently covered his bald spot so I started to understand real quick why he wore it. Milton was a little pezzzed that a guy in a penguin suit got through and his $2000 suit didn’t get noticed. You just got Bachelorette’ed, bro.

 

Rose Ceremony:

Bryan, Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, Demario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Blake E, Lucas

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The Bachelorette S13 – Ranking the Contestants

Typically this is the most exciting part of the Bachelor(ette). Bios are released and we get to judge humans based on their LifeTouch yearbook photo and how they choose to answer stupid pre-written questions. After last season’s dolphin and mermaid obsessed ladytestants, it seems as though this process is beginning to go downhill. I used to rank all of the contestants, picking my winner before the season begins. I physically can’t do that anymore. There’s just too many duds. So instead, let’s point out all of the red flags before we meet them, shall we?! GREAT! Lezzz GoooOOOooooO.

*Total disclaimer: After going through these and essentially finding a problem with each contestant’s bio I think it’s become pretty clear why I never did online dating. NO ONE LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER. (Also, boys, it’s not that hard to look good on paper. You have infinite amount of time to think about your answer before writing it down. Be better.)

Hi I’m a RED FLAG, nice to meet ya!

Adam, 27

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The most romantic present he’s ever gotten was a birthday threesome. ROMANCE IS STILL ALIVE. He also used to cook 4 course meals for people in college and charge them. LOL!!!! (His words, not mine.) Sounds like a winner.

Alex, 28

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One time ate a live salamander. Nuff said.

Anthony, 26

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Anthony calls himself “emotionally intelligent” and this isn’t normally a dealbreaker but I had immediate PTSD of last seasons’ Taylor vs. Corinne showdown and we don’t need another Taylor in this franchise. We understand that you read books and like rich mahogany, Ant. Don’t brag.

Blake E., 31

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Was engaged for 48 hours and wants to watch 50 Shades Darker because he likes “taboo sexy stuff.” Oh Blake E, you wily Ginger, you.

Brady, 29

brady

This actual, living Ken doll likes to go tackle snowmen for fun in his hometown. Also gets REAL fired up about The Situation, considering the Jersey Shore has been off the air for 5 years and the Situation is no longer “famous”.

Bryan, 37

bryan

Bryan is asked to list his 3 best attributes and lists 7. Follow simple directions, Bryan. Also, he’s old.

Bryce, 30

bryce

Describes himself in the bedroom as, “A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning.” Ok, Bryce. Also, is an elf. Not necessarily a red flag but definitely something to consider.

Dean, 26

dean

Has “righteous” tatted on his inner lip. Literally said he thinks marriage is a religious sham. Here’s to getting that ring, Rach!

Diggy, 31

diggy

Darties too hard every weekend for someone who is 31 and was once in a sex positions contest on spring break, whatever that means. Diggy=grown up frat boy. Those tortoise shell frames don’t fool me for a second. Don’t hate ’em though.

Fred, 27

Fred

Fred admits that sometimes he gets “aroused” at work and needs to go to his desk to hide his boner. Is Fred secretly 13, covering his boner jams with a Five Star Notebook? Where does he work? How often does this occur that it’s worthy of a Bach answer. YIKES.

Grant, 29

grant

His favorite magazine is Playboy. Wink face. BARF FACE, GRANT. BARF. FACE.

Jack Stone, 32

jackstone

The only jabroni who listed a full name that is certainly what he wants his stage name to be. The name’s Jack Stone, pleased to meet me.

joestone

Jamey, 32

jamey

His ideal mate is a model. Go F yourself, Jamey.

Jonathan, 31

jonathan

His occupation is listed as tickle monster, his favorite singers are Elvis Presley, Britney Spears and Flo Rida and he lasts a long time in bed. Ole tickleshits here is a walking red flag.

Kenny, 35

kenny

Kenny is a pro wrestler with a caveman tattooed on his chest. One time he got a girl Edible Arrangements and that was his most romantic gift. A FRUIT BASKET.

Kyle, 26

kyle

Kyle admitted that he’s blunt and doesn’t think before he speaks. Every man in this house will hate him and he’s top contender for this years’ villain. He also classified himself as an “athletic” lover. “LOL.” BOYS. STOP USING LOL IN YOUR ANSWERS. YOU ARE NOT 14 CHATTING ON AIM. YOU ARE TRYING TO FIND YOUR WIFE (sort of)

Lucas, 30

lucas

His occupation is listed as “Whaboom” and this is something that I don’t even want to Google. His pets consist of an ant farm and some fish and his ideal mate is Belle, Cinderella, Ariel and Jessica Rabbit all wrapped up into one. Lucas has a cartoon fetish and is one step away from the tickle monster for weirdest contestant ever.

Milton, 31

milton

Milton fessed up REAL quick that he just wants to be discovered. Hey Milton, that’s not how this works. You try REALLY hard to find love and then when you get kicked off you start hawking MVMT watches and looking for acting or modeling gigs. You don’t admit it in the interview process. Gawd. Rookie.

Lee, 30

lee

Not to stereotype but reading Lee’s bio gave me horrific flashbacks to the UnReal plot of bringing the deep south racist on as a contestant with the black bachelor and having her wear a confederate flag bikini on the first day.  Most likely to be racist: Lee. But seriously, he references his “mamaw” almost immediately. I’m just saying, it wouldn’t be the most SHOCKING thing in the world if Lee’s family has a little deep south racism ingrained in them.

And since I just ripped apart 90% of these dum dums, here’s my favorite from the lineup and my pick for the winner.

Demario, 30

demario

Demario is hawt, seems fun and works in a JT and Britney Spears denim outfit reference IN ADDITION TO a Bey and Jay relationship goals shout out in his bio. He knows how to be the right amounts of funny and passionate. He looks good on paper and probably without his shirt on. And THAT’s how you do it, bruhs. (Pls don’t @ me if he ends up being a total psycho.)

Now let’s roar with this HISTORICAL, RECORD BREAKING, MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER.

Click HERE if you want to read the full bios.

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Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/15/16

1. What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Lie about being robbed at the Olympics, apparently. It’s a real shame his reality show got cancelled because ratings would have soared through the roof for this shit.

lochte

Ryan Lochte, the bro who showed up with frosted hair, wore grillz at his gold medal ceremony and trademarked the catchphrase “Jeah”, claims he was robbed at gunpoint and when the robber told him to get on the ground he turned into Duane, otherwise known as Kimmy Gibbler’s hamlet and cheese.

duane

Then he skipped on outta Rio with his lady friend. Not so fast, RyRy because it seems like you messed with the wrong corrupt country. Rio smelled a rat and yanked Lochte’s swimming  buddies off their plane to question them. Can you imagine having to be a sidekick to Ryan Lochte and then ON TOP OF THAT, getting held back in a country that had dead bodies washing up on the shores just because you had a few too many beers and decided to go along with your drunk friend’s dumb story?! The real events have finally surfaced today and it entails drunk bros vandalizing a gas station bathroom. So it turns out Lochte was just getting in front of the story. What looks really bad? Headlines about American Olympians (some might say heroes) going on a boozy tirade at a gas station. What looks really good? Them getting robbed at gunpoint and surviving. Round of applause for that spin zone, Ryan. You really sold it AKA you created a conflict between Rio and the US, made your buddies pay to leave the country and now look like an even bigger doofus than you did before.

grillz PS If you & your boys wear Yeezy’s out on the town in Rio and brag about it on social media, you 100% deserve to be robbed at gunpoint forrealz.
lochte yeezy

Double PS, my very last final in college (shout-out to Olympics class) was the question “What is Ryan Lochte’s catchphrase?” So not to brag but I have a college degree AND I once bubbled in “C: Jeah” for an actual grade. This seemed like a fitting time to toss that story into the mix, because it’s embarrassing, but not quite as humiliating as making up a crime and creating an international incident over it.

A post shared by Ryanlochte (@ryanlochte) on

2. Whatever, Simone Biles.

😘🌹

A post shared by Simone Biles (@simonebiles) on

I mean the minute this bid started yapping about how much she LOVED Zac Efron and had a fullsize cutout of him (creep, much?) I was like yeah some talk show is going to cash in on having them meet. I didn’t think they would fly Zac out to the actual Olympics, but whatever. Hey Simone, you just won a bajillion gold medals…LEAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US. Ugh, whatever. Not bitter or anything. But like seriously? The video is pushing it. We get it. You guys kissed a lot for Instagram. Call me when he sticks his tongue down your throat.

on cloud 9 💙☁️ @zacefron

A post shared by Simone Biles (@simonebiles) on

3. Biebz is off the grid. I’ve been saying it ever since Biebs went in on fans taking his picture and strolled barefoot around the Boston Common…pop your popcorn because he’s on the fast track to a Britney/Lohan/Amanda Bynes worthy meltdown. It always starts with the fame-hating and spirals from there. Some take it to head-shaving levels, others tweet about Drake murdering their vag. To each his own. It seems as though we’ve got a classic case of everyone stop judging my life and I for one can’t wait to see where this goes.

To catch up anyone who doesn’t follow tween drama–Biebs has been whoring out Lionel Ritchie’s daughter, Sophie (who is basically Kylie Jenner 2.0) and he’s getting pretty sad panda that no one wants to see his latest bae vomited all over InstaG. So he threatened to delete and that’s when Selena hopped in to be like hey guess what no one wants to see your bang buddies, stop being so dramats, your fans love you. Obviously there was some bickering via Instagram comments. Justin replied with, you used me for fame (no disrespect) and there were some cheating allegations tossed back and forth. Realistically this part was like watching your trashy high school friends air their dirty laundry on a facebook status and everyone weighing in on it. It was entertaining for like 3 minutes then we all decided to go out and live our lives. Then Biebs deleted his Insta and Selena’s all:

selenasnapchat

(Cue the Selena H8) WHOA. THE THREATS WERE REAL. BIEBS IS OUT. No more pics of his hoes in different area codes for us! WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT THEM?! Rejoice in the fact that we’re one step closer to a Bieber Meltdown, THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO.

4. Can Ryan Cabrera replace Biebs?

As one of the OG boytoys with spiky hair, I’d much prefer to have Ryan back on the scene and Biebs off. This song sounds kinda like something JB would drop, except I actually like Ryan, so I will listen to this on repeat for the rest of the month and hope that once he gets off his My2K tour, he’s back in our lives for good. Bonus points: this island beat makes me believe summer will last forever. HORNZ ON HORNZ. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO FULL SONG.

5. The ChadBear will do more than shit his pants on TV. 

chadbear

I guess Chad didn’t want his lasting legacy to be taking a dump directly in his shorts on Bachelor in Paradise, so somehow he’s secured a cameo on the upcoming ABC Family sensational hit: Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After. Does it make any sense? Of course not, and there you have the reasoning behind every paid appearance from a Bachelor(ette) alum, ever. Probably one of the smartest PR moves to be made though. That show was a shoe-in to be a dud and now that people hear Chad’s name associated with it, it will be appointment television. I’m already locked in to see what will go down. Call me a sucker for Chad, I don’t care, I’m all in–especially considering the only time Ben and Chad have ever been brought up in the same sentence was this:

chadhatesben

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/8/16

1. Dance Goals.

We had to. #stepup10years

A post shared by Jenna Dewan Tatum (@jennadewan) on

Step Up is a top five dance movie that made us all believe that we will fall in love with a hunky piece of meat who can toss us around on the dance floor because Jenna and Channing got married. Well they’re keeping the dream alive by recreating the OG Step Up move 10 years later. I don’t ever want to imagine a life where these two don’t dance together every night. First with Lip Sync Battle, now with this, I’ll be disappointed if this isn’t a daily ritual.

2. Phelps wins 1 billion gold medals.

michael-phelps-face-435

Michael Phelps is like 100 and still blowing everyone out of the water (PUN INTENDED.) He may have become an internet meme for a hot second, but then he was hey Twitter, suck on my 22 Gold medals, BETCH. This is my sports coverage for the week…a picture of Phelps in da zone aka smelling a fart. It’s probably the best you’re gonna get unless you’d like my unfiltered opinions on Ryan “Jeah” Lochte’s hair (it’s dumb) and THE FINAL FIVE (they have eternal wedgies that make me tug at my own underwear as if I too have a leotard stuffed up my buhhole.) And THAT’s my Olympics coverage. GET ON MY LEVEL, BOB COSTA!

3. NSYNC reunites to remind us they’re old AF.

JC's 40th… And, if you don't know now you know…

A post shared by Justin Timberlake (@justintimberlake) on

I would give my left nip for a full-on N*SYNC reunion and this is what they think will satisfy us? A picture that Lance probably had to photobomb because he wasn’t asked to be in it, at JC’s 40th birthday party. FORTY. HOLY COW. Be older, JC. You can’t. Seriously if there can be a tour of Ryan Cabrera and O*Town this summer, then N*SYNC can hit the stage again. I don’t care if it’s half-assed, I mean you could literally start a Vegas residency just for “dancing” like Britney does, as long as you deliver the top N*SYNC hits, I’ll be there with bells on. What I realize now that I’ve typed this out is that I’d probably be fine with just like a bar playing N*SYNC’s discography on a Saturday night. But until then, we’ll always have this pic. Stay golden, JT.

4. Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry show us the goods. A week ago Orlando Bloom let it all hang for a casual paddle boarding adventure in Italy. I didn’t do the JUice last week, but if I did, I probably would’ve included the pic, mostly because it took me about 30 seconds to find the uncensored version and text it to everyone I know. Hey how’s it going? Here’s Orlando Bloom’s impressive D and droolworthy body. Obviously there was no reason for him to be ass naked when Katy Perry was fully clothed, other than the fact that he’s attractive and famous and he can. When in Rome (Sardinia) do as the Romans (Sardinians) do and take your dick out for vacation, I guess. ICYMI, here’s the censored version (that shadow though…) Since I don’t condone porning up my website you can turn to twitter for the full monty. Or my cell phone photos…

orlando-bloom-katy-perry

Anyway, this week, Katy Perry was like hey I’ve got a set of tits that everyone probably wants to see, and she was probz feeling upstaged by the amount of attention her boyf’s little nudey row was getting, so she decided to spice it up for a pic. By showing her buttcheek. Really, girl? That’s all you got? STEP IT UP.

I know it's a little cheeky, butt… Cycling in The ile de re, France 🇫🇷

A post shared by KATY PERRY (@katyperry) on

 5. JRodg pretending to be famous.

Hey guys, now that they can talk about it, JoJo and Jord are going to vomit their love all over social media. This includes the most awkward hover arm picture of Jordan and his “good Nashville buddy” Brett. No seriously, they’re really tight. Also JoJo looks like a smokeshow and I’m obviously bitter about it.

Couple of Nashville buds sweating our butts off in Dallas, at least @joelle_fletcher looks 🔥 #budlightparty

A post shared by Jordan Rodgers (@jrodgers11) on

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