JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/15/18

1. Another reason to talk about Meghan and Harry.

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As if you ever need a reason…but obviously first comes love, then comes giant televised royal wedding, then comes BAYBAY!!! Pretty high hopes for this nugget to be a stunnah but that’s also because Kate and Wills kids are so adorbs. Kinda sets the bar high. Either way, the announcement was made and now the royal coups is in Australia and we won’t stop breathing down their necks with stupid articles about how Meghan is feeling, how much Harry loves her and wants a baby, what they wore and ate for breakfast every day, etc. Royal fever will literally never die. I MEAN DID YOU SEE THAT DOUBLE HANDHOLD? GOALSonGoalsonGOALS according to every news site in our country that reported it like it was bigger news than their pregnancy. It’s embarrassing how much we drool over these two. Wipe it up, America. (Coming from a girl who has a saliva problem herself, I’m not judging, I’m being a friend.)

The Duke And Duchess Of Sussex Visit Australia - Day 3bondibeach

2. That’s a lot of tattoos to erase.

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In shocking news to literally no one, Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson have broken up after getting engaged five minutes into their relashe (126 days together but who’s counting). I’m not going to pussyfoot around this…if you both rebound REAL hard and then one of the exes dies from an overdose, that will probably throw a wrench into the mix of your already v. fragile partnership. Since I reported when they got engaged along with a slew of other “let’s just get married real quick because we are celebrities and why not” jabronis, it felt necessary to report when the first one ended. Keeping an eye on you, Biebz and Nick Jonas…

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Anyway, they made a statement, Pete cancelled a standup, Ariana went social media black. I mourned the loss of the term butthole eyes. (I’m still gonna use it, tbh) Ariana got custody of their pet, Piggy Smallz and you know, all of the shit she paid for because she makes 10x what Pete does. And now we have to watch them slowly cover up/eliminate the 1 million tattoos all over their bodies for each other. WooooOoooo Buddy. No seriously, peep below. Just on their hands alone they have like 3 matching tattoos. You know how people say tattoos are forever so think about what you’re doing? Lolololol let’s cover our bodies in each other’s names and phrases. FTR, Pete also did this with his ex girlfriend and had to glaze on over those as well. He’s no rook to the breakup & immediately eliminate body art game. Extra funny slash sad that he tattooed the pig on him and she took it. Maybe consider part time custody for the little oinker?!

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3. I love this wedding dress.

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Karlie Kloss got hitched (and Taylor wasn’t there…a detail that apparently needed to be pointed out. SHE’S ON A WORLD TOUR, GUYS.) Either way, YES MA’AM to this dress!!! I’m lovin it a whole lot. That’s all. See! I can be nice sometimes!

Karlie Kloss Josh Kushner wedding

(from rep)

Credit: BFA

4. My childhood crushes need to stop getting arrested.

WHAT is it with classic 90’s child stars getting arrested for assault? Like 90% of the Sandlot cast got arrested, including my heart Benny the Jet Rodriguez and now we’ve got Jesse former bad boy whose life was turned around by Annie, Glen and his BFF killer whale Willy getting pinched for a domestic with his girlfriend. Allegedly he accused her of cheating on him with her coworker, busted the door down kool-aid man style and grabbed her. YOIKES Jess. Not a good look. That shit will get you sent right back to Wade and the other orphans every time. Where’s Willy when you need him? Oh that’s right, he’s dead because Seaworld killed him. THE HITS KEEP ON COMING. Smash play on Michael Jackson and let his soulful nonsense wash all of this away. If JTT gets arrested next I will LOSE MY SHIT.

5. Eminem performed in the clouds.

Jimmy Kimmel’s in NYC this week and I guess he really wanted to make a splash so he had Eminem make a Venom music video in the Empire State Building. I’ve always been a music video fan and it’s pretty cool how he filmed it there and the way that it was shot but what’s absolutely terrifying is that he’s at the tippy top just rapping like it ain’t no thang. I went to the Empire State Building when I was like 11, so you could say I’m pretty worldly. The elevator ride alone was terrifying seeing how high you were going up and then when I got up there I had about enough courage to get a picture taken with my tiny sunglasses on for my spring break photo album and then it was curtains. Can’t imagine actually MOVING AROUND UP THERE. What a badass you are, Em. Also lol to the fact that no one knew what was going on and just kept taking videos from street level of the empire state building with flashing neon lights. Bet they got some real quality shots of Em-Nasty doin his thang.

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Music, Pop Culture

Breaking News: Tay & Bey Unite

Obviously everyone knows that the stars aligned and Taylor Swift turned 25 on 12/13/14 and coincidentally threw the banger of the century with celeb crowds better than any awards show. (Mostly because Snapchat forced everyone to know, making a cat cartoon filter for every picture snapped on this holy day.) Everybody who is ANYBODY was at Tay’s party, as evident in the slur of photos below that gave me a real outrageous amount of FOMO on Saturday morning. The biggest shocker wasn’t the fact that Mr. King of Pop JT graced this little shindig with his presence but The King and Queen themselves also showed up. WHAT is that you say? The two most anti-social, royal subjects of Hollywood settled and hob-nobbed with T Swift and a bunch of commoners for her 25th? I was just as shocked as you, obviously.

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Since this happened over the weekend while everyone was enjoying their regular normal people activities I was going to let it slide without a specific blog…but then JT had his Brooklyn concert last night and the popular crowd reunited and I just couldn’t stand by and watch this silently for one more second. It appears that Queen B and her man didn’t just show up to Taylor’s party as a charity write-off…Bey and Tay are now besties who dance togets at JT concerts. These two have united and prepare yourself for a slaying because no one knows what could happen next. A secret joint release? A music video with dorky vs. queen twerk-offs? Tay babysitting Blue? The sky is the limit people–brace yourselves for a takeover.

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Pop Culture, Television

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2014

The VS Fashion Show is the only fashion show that all people of all genders can find mutual interest in watching. The guys watch in hopes that the camera will linger long enough on the model’s ladybits, and the women watch it to judge the models while they shove ice cream in their face and lay in bed wrapped in a snuggie. (Just me? Oh ok.) Regardless, us girls have had a nice treat two years in a row now watching Taylor Swift become an honorary angel and slay the runway. Without further ado, here are the highlights of last night’s installment.

 The Show Highlights:

-Within seconds of the first model walking, the camera flashed to Taylor’s reaction backstage and we are all reminded why we are here…to watch Tay react to things. She cheered Behati on, she sang along to Ed’s performance then shouted KILLED IT as he came offstage, she danced with the models waiting to walk..say what you will about Taylor but girl knows what she gets paid the big bucks for and milks it for all its worth. Plus it was a welcome distraction from the bones clacking down the runway in loose corsets.

-In the first segment one of the models (rookie) is forced to wear puffy 80’s sleeves instead of wings and then decides to do an awkward squat booty pop as her runway pose and it is the most unfortunate scene of the night. Too bad they didn’t show Tay’s face after this.

-If we were playing the drinking game called drink every time an angel blows a kiss I would have been dead from alcohol poisoning within the first 5 minutes.

-Taylor performs Blank Space into a 1989 jewel encrusted mic in a pink silky duster, (we learn what Taylor’s Secret is with that xtra pushup bra) furry stripper heels and is forced to tone down the theatrics of her performance a tad so as not to steal the show from the models…she doesn’t and I respect the hell out of it. What I don’t respect, however, is how she keeps trying to interact with the models by awkwardly one hand grasping each one as they stroll by. There should have been a firm no hand clasping policy, except for her BFF Karlie.

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-Ed Sheeran performs the phenomenal song “Thinking Out Loud” and we have a horrible contrast of beautiful song and the UGLIEST outfits of the entire show. I’m guessing the theme for this segment was preschool craft corner because it looked like “pinterest fails” threw up on all the models. Noticeably missing: a pan to Ellie Goulding, front row, while Ed was singing to create some ex-lover drama. Really coulda used that, CBS.

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Ed cleaning house with the ladies

 

-Ariana Grande gets assigned the “Pink” segment for baby gurls who like track pants and fuzzy PJ’s. Suuuper Disney. She performs the grand medley of all her hits that she’s been banging out lately and it gets real distracting because she has two over-eager platinum blonde backup dancers who flanked her sides and were wearing spacesuits. She finishes the medley and bats her eyelashes which just ends up looking like she had shit in her eye. Noticeably missing: the moment when she gets nailed in the face by one of the wings that the internet got a preview of, but no one got to see live.

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-Hozier performs “Take Me to Church” for the “fairytale” segment and it is quite comical watching the models struggle to bop to this song and interact with Hozier who looks like the dark creepy guy leering from behind a tree in the woods rather than Prince Charming. Hozier is NOT down with the blowing of kisses from every single model, his eyes are firmly shut.

-And our grand finale: the premiere of “Style” by Miss TSwizzle. Karlie & Tay (rumored girlfriends, confirmed besties) enter together like bad bitches in lace holding hands. Karlie is rocking a cape and all they needed was a doberman to have fully recreated the Blank Space music video. It’s clear that the Taylor gets to wear/perform for the best collections because this one is another banger. There is a flawless surprised face mid-song from our girl and then CBS had the NERVE to cut to someone in the crowd yawning during the performance. OFF WITH HER HEAD. And we end the show drooling over Taylor’s legs and forgetting about all the models. What’s that? There was actually a final walk? Whatever.

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-The models rush backstage to de-wing and they show a person working backstage lose their eyesight permanently due to a wing porking their retina. How many people do you think wear eye patches post the annual VS Fashion Show? I’m gonna go with over/under 100. Poor unfortunate souls.

 

The Fluff Pieces that made me Lawl:

-Adriana Lima & Alessandra Ambrosio, the VS vets who kill it every year have some time to talk to us about how they’re both moms of two kids, both have names that start with A, and both have been beautiful forever. Therefore, since they have so much in common, they were crowned with the honor of wearing the fantasy bras-aka the super expensive diamond covered bras? I think? To be honest, I stopped listening once they flashed pictures of them at the age of 15 looking like goddesses and not geeky, weird teenagers who were too into Fallout Boy. Definitely not bitter though.

-We get a rare glimpse into the preparation of the show on behalf of the models, who treat it like a big slumber party. Just kidding, they take it seriously–maybe a little too seriously. One of the pretty faces (they all blurred) tells us sternly, “Getting the right wink or right kiss is so important. It’s everything.” I can relate, girl. They talked more about how modeling is super hard and they’re nervous and I applaud them for being so brave and honest. It takes a lot of courage to….sorry what were we talking about again? Oh right, getting paid millions to blow kisses in lingerie.

-We meet Russell James, VS photographer of 14 years who tells us it’s hard for him to express how lucky, blessed and fortunate he feels. Since he’s having a difficult time expressing, I’ll take a stab at it for him. He gets up every morning, flies to exotic warm beaches and takes pictures of hot women with big boobs in bikinis and lingerie, so like, #blessed. Did I capture it? Also props to Kendall Jenner for weaseling her way into a sneaky appearance in this segment, because the world can’t live without a Kardashian appearance/reference.

-Karlie Kloss, resident ride or die bitch to Taylor Swift gets to show us how she’s also a classy ballerina on the side and this little snoozer of a peek into Karlie’s life explains EXACTLY why those two are as tight as they are, baking cookies and going to barre classes on the weekend.

And this ends our yearly look into the fabulous lives of a Victoria’s Secret Angel. I hope I covered it all–we laughed, we cried, we blew a thousand kisses. Until next year!

Performances before they’re inevitably pulled from Youtube:

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