JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/30/17

1. We Have All Been Blessed.

In the most Beyonce pregnancy announcement since the time she unveiled a baby bump mid-VMA’s performance, we have learned that two more lil Jay-Z clones will be entering this world. Because of course they’re having twins. I’m going to ignore the whispers about these not being Hova’s kids cause Lemonade and instead focus on the fact that I went off the deep end with this announcement. After being scooped thrice on New Years’ Day, I saw this Instagram post on Wednesday and immediately sounded the alarms to everyone I knew, hoping to break the news. I was 3 for 3 and riding the high of alerting my friends of the news just a mere 12 minutes after she posted it and I didn’t want to come down. I even texted my dad, who could literally care less about Bey and Jay just because I wanted one more W. He didn’t respond. Whatever. Either way, we learned a very valuable lesson: Beyonce is a blue satin ruffled panty wearin Queen. Just kidding, we already knew that. The real lesson is that celebrity gossip makes me foam at the mouth and I won’t apologize for it.

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To top it off and make sure everyone was really talking about her until the end of time, Bey waited a day and released the rest of the photos from her profesh maternity shoot. If we’re being honest the one she posted was the only acceptable one and I would have preferred she kept the others locked up for no one to ever see.

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Click here if you want to see the rest at your own risk.

2. Ed’s Beach Body.

Ed released his second music video in two weeks and even though I hated every minute of this, especially when we were treated to several closeups of a Sumo wrestler’s buhhole, gotta give credit where credit is due. Ed is lookin fierce with his new trim bod.

3. Is Obama…hot?

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Obama just retired from the most important job he’ll ever have and now he’s ready for some bro’in out on Richard Branson’s island. A little beer pong, a little Chainsmokers and apparently a lot of backwards hat time. This is conflicting for me. I’ve gone on record saying guys are 100x hotter with a backwards hat but like, I wasn’t really factoring our President into the mix with that statement. Is he hot? Is he mortifying his college aged daughter with his island vibes? (yes and that’s obvious.) I’ll leave it up to you to decide. Hang Ten, Barack.

4. Sharpay Goes Acoustic.

Who knew that the girl who scream sang “I Want It All” in a sparkle dress could break it down? This stripped version of Toxic with her hipster Steve Howie-lookin hubby was a nice surprise.

5. So Does Zayn.

Undie Slushie.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/9/17

 1. BYE Biebs.

*PREMIUM EXCLUSIVE* Hot New Couple  Selena Gomez and The Weeknd Can't hide their love

Selena is back in a BIG way. First she’s smooching all up on The Weeknd. Props to her for swooping in AFTER he cut that ridiculous cartoon hairstyle he was rocking for far too long. To be honest I wasn’t really that shocked about this celeb couple news because it’s probably mostly her way to show Biebz that she’s upgrading from a whiny bitch who hates his fans to a smooth R&B sex machine. Bella Hadid unfollowed her on Instagram, because duh, that’s what you do when someone in your Hollywood squad starts banging your ex-boyfriend. Well that, and take a bunch of bathing suit selfies.

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BUT THEN, she drops this in our grillpieces and now I’m like oh shittttt SELENASSSSSSS!

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Ignore the cr33pster intensely taking a naked girls’ picture through the mirror and just feast your eyes on dat ass. Suck on it, JB. Nice try, Bella. The bigger the hoop….

2. Lick.

Joe Jonas did a Guess campaign and oiled up his abs for it. Nuff said. Sick enhancement in the shot with your grey undies though. Definitely didn’t immediately notice that.

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And since Nick is my favorite. Let’s do a little compare/contrast of when he did Calvin Klein:

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Backwards hat and cocky D grab always wins and that’s obvious.

3. Closer 2.0.

Those dirty frat bruhs known as The Chainsmokers just dropped their follow-up to Closer. Kneejerk reaction: I’ll listen to it but there’s no comparison. Hard to follow up that heater when it literally still brings the house down every time it’s played. Don’t talk smack about it though because they’ll come AFTER you. Their music is the GREATEST OF ALL TIME.

4. Brooke Davis is gonna change the world someday.

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Every once in a while I like to give a little update to my fellow OTH fans. This week Sophia Bush finally broke her silence on her casual marriage to CMM when she was like, 21 in a personal essay for Cosmo. In true Sophia raspy voiced goddess fashion, she got real deep and metaphorical. Without naming the Chadster, she talked about how she was so young and thought because he was asking her, they should get married. Then she drops some truth bombs about how the right relationships find you and honestly I feel like a new woman after reading it. If you want to hear her preach, click here to read and learn all about how to stop looking for “the one”. Because it’s unrealistic to think the guy you went to high school with is who you want standing next to you when all your dreams come true.

5. Landry snags another babe.

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Yeah, Riggins was the sexiest bad boy in Dillon, and Saracen had the heart of gold, but apparently Landry scoops up all the chicks. How they ever put him with Tyra is beyond me but like clearly life imitates art because he’s now engaged to Kirsten Dunst. Also it’s laugh out loud funny that gossip sites were reporting the engagement with his character’s name. No need to know his real name because he is Landry for life and he’ll probably perform with Crucifictorious at the wedding.

BONUS: T dropped a little teaser action for Z’s birthday yesterday. This video can’t come soon enough.

The track list for the fifty shades soundtrack was also released and it’s STACKED. Not afraid to say it’s going to be better than the actual movie.

Happy Birthday Liam ❤

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PS People.com coming in thirsty AF.

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k16

 

The sunshine season can’t truly begin until the infamous* Summer Palooza drops.

(*use term loosely)

CAN’T STOP THE FEELING! – Justin Timberlake. I declared this JT bangerang the song of the summer on May 6th when it was released and I stand by it hard. Is it played ad nauseum on the radio? Don’tttt caaaaareeeeee. Get that sunshine in your pocket and just dance dance daaaannceeee like you’re dressed like Ellen.

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Summer – Cassadee Pope. I mean, come on. This song was written specifically to be drafted for summer palooza.

I Like The Sound Of That – Rascal Flatts. One of those feel good country songs from a band that are basically considered dinosaurs in the industry by now. Seriously, I feel like the Flatts have been lip syncing at award shows for the past 100 years. Anyway, ❤ the JT shoutout EVEN though they say Timberlake’s got nothin on this girl. WHAT a bold statement.

Superstitious – MKTO. Any music MKTO releases makes me instantly want to drop into a split and spin on my head. Don’t worry. I physically can’t do that, so I’ll white girl head bop instead and let them remind me of the duo from Another Cinderella Story that a young Selena Gomez sassy danced all up on. (Seriously though, are they the same people? Right down to the fedora…)

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vs.

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Brand New – Ben Rector. A surprising soulful twist for the mix, it’s time to shed some light on ya boy Ben Rector and bump this for road trip vibes.

Work from Home ft. Ty Dolla $ign – Fifth Harmony. Even though this one’s been floating around since early Spring, I’m still down with it because I DO work from home most of the time. And it definitely doesn’t go like this… Either way Fifth Harmony crushes the high school band practice meets sexual lyrics year after year.

Wherever I Go – OneRepublic. I always forget about OneRepublic because it seems fishy that they’re still releasing music while Ryan Tedder is writing songs for like 90% of pop singers. But regardless, every summer they seem to have new music and this one is surprisingly UPBEAT!

Once In A While – Timeflies. Even though Timeflies released a real weird video for this song, it’s still catchy AF and Cal still floods my basement with just one note. Why aren’t these two super famous by now? They’re about to open for the kid with the holey eyebrow in a mall bowling alley next week. Not even headline…OPEN. What is wrong with this world? Make these two megastars, STAT.

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Fix – Chris Lane. If you’re looking for something to indulge on this summer, Chris Lane is it. He’s got your fix, he’ll be whatever you need. He’s also a straight up smokeshow. Yes Chris. Be all of the things for me, pls.

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Bacon – Nick Jonas ft. Ty Dolla $ign. Nick Jonas is soooooo0oooo deep now because he wrote an album about his breakup with Ms. Universe but realistically he’s just singing about tossing bacon on stuff. It pretty much makes 0.0 sense but when you add a beat to my favorite crispy breakfast side, it’s summer palooza gold. PS no clue who Ty DOLLA $ign is, but snaps for him earning 2 prestigious spots on this mix. That’s how you get your start in the music biz, so I’ve heard.

Sun Don’t Let Me Down (feat. Nile Rodgers & Pitbull) – Keith Urban. I hate myself for liking this song because it goes against every fiber of my being that hates Pitubull and his Mr. 305, Mr. Worldwide yellin’ ass but it’s fire.

Ain’t Got Far To Go – Jess Glynne. Jess made her debut last summer with some radio hits and we’re getting in touch with our inner jam band/reggae by including her this year. Clap it up for musical diversity. But seriously, put those hands together because there’s a whole lot of clappin in this song.

Like I Would – Zayn. Although I never wanted to support someone who could up and leave 1D, it would be wrong to admit that this bedroom jam Zayn that was born out of it doesn’t do things for me. Plus Harry’s the lead actor in a movie that’s probably going to win Oscars, so no hard feelsies. I would say that Zayn’s pretty cocky about his sex skillz with both Pillow Talk and this, but he managed to snag the hottest young model in the world and I’m gonna go ahead and guess he’s probs good in bed. They broke up for a hot second but GiGi remembered that no one would touch her like Zayn does, so she was like JK we’re back on.

Night’s On Fire – David Nail. David Nail’s a cutie and also consistently puts out classic country songs about hot babes and summer feels. I accept.

Treat You Better – Shawn Mendes. Technically Shawn is more for the teeniebopper Disney crowd but whatever because Stitches was my shit and I can already tell this song just might top that old school Bieber good good.

Snapback – Old Dominion. This is more of a PSA than anything: snapbacks are all the rage now. And by that I mean, backwards hats are all the rage. If you’re of the male gender and flip your hat backward, your pussy magnetism will skyrocket. Facts only. Unfortunately this is a song about a girl wearing a snapback. Less hot. When I wear a backwards hat, my family calls me Icebox from Little Giants. Double standard. Quick recap: guys, flip it backward, girls don’t do it unless you want to be compared to a female trying out for the boy’s football team.

Yes:  lukebryan

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Put It On Me- Austin Mahone Ft. SAGE the Gemini. It’s pretty embarrassing that two years in a row I’ve roasted Sage for what clearly is his calling card. They don’t already know you Sage, no one knows you. And no one will know you if you keep backing up Disney singers on their breakout “I’m a bad boy who does sex” tracks. Nick Jonas skyrocketed over the past year and with this spicy number, it looks like Austin Mahone is about to do the same. And poor S-A-G-E is left behind still just wanting to already be known.

Sorry – Beyonce. This is an unsanctioned add behind my co-producer’s back but you know what? I AIN’T SORRY. Beyonce made Lemonade (and cold hard cash) out of Jay cheating on her. It needed to be addressed on my summer mix. Everything about this song is cocky and cool. Yonce telling Jay to suck on her balls?! Damn. I also cannot and will not stop laughing at how disgusted she is with his F’ing excuses. The delivery on that was A+++.

White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. Summer cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/3/15

1.This week’s relationships that took a bullet.

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Bad news comes in 3’s. JK apparently if you’re in Hollywood bad news comes in the ending of every long-term marriage all in one summer. NBD but HBD. Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale as well as Reba and Narvel Blackstock (real name?) are this week’s we’ve been together for over 20 years but we’re #overit couples. Not one to be outdone, Miss Piggy also jumped on that bandwagon and was like yeah samesies me and Kermit would also like to promote our soon to be cancelled TV show for the fall so our fictional cartoon relationship has also ended. In much shorter term relationship news, Zayn formerly known as the 5th One Directioner broke off engagement with Perrie Edwards, thus hammering the final nail in the coffin that is his career. Hey Zayn, way to take a big dump on your life in the matter of 4 months, bruh.

2. Where there is death, there is also rebirth.

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Jennifer Aniston decided this would be a good week to finally tell gossip columns to stop yapping about her still being sad about Brad Pitt and tied the knot with Justin Theroux in very celebrity-SURPRISE it’s not a birthday party it’s a wedding in our backyard-fashion! YOU GO, GIRL! Now cue everyone who wants to know why she isn’t pregnant yet because that’s the world that we live in. WHY DON’T YOU WANT KIDS JEN? I’m sure she looked stunning on her wedding day because she’s like in her 40’s and can still get it. Courtney Cox was her maid of honor, obviously. Rachel & Monica 4eva. Rachel and Ross…unfortunately not.

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3. Cecil the lion is now a beanie baby.

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This is not really important news but if I get the opportunity to rant about beanie babies you BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR I’m gonna take it! My grandma got my sisters and I a beanie baby for every occasion as we were growing up. I’m assuming she kept TY in business throughout the 90’s with how many small stuffed animals she purchased from them. Gams also told us that one day these would be worth a lot of money so we should take care of them and protect the tags because they are collectibles. Cut to 3 years ago when my mom couldn’t even get rid of our 100’s of beanie babies for 1 dollar a piece at her neighborhood garage sale (they were marked down to 50 cents a piece) SO ANYWAY, just because a dentist killed a lion that was beloved and everyone is suddenly anti-hunting DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN CASH IN, TY. The jig is up. Beanie babies SUCK, whether the money goes to a good cause or not, a beanie baby shall never be the reward. Kids of our generation should not be duped into thinking this stupid bean-filled animal will be worth millions someday, otherwise they might end up in their 20’s posing with their collection and special club-holder VIP card on instagram. End rant.

4. Drake is winning life. Not only did he DEMOLISH Meek Mill in a rap battle as well as public powerpoint humiliation, he also reunited with his Degrassi crew and gave all of us the warm throwback fuzzies. WHATEVER IT TAKES, I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH. Notice that none of his ex-lovers (Ashley, Hazel, Ellie) made an appearance. Perhaps they’re scorned ex-GFs?!

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5. Watch some videos. Here’s the Zoolander 2 sequel that plays a lot off of the first Zoolander’s jokes but whatever because it looks funny and I’ll probably still go see it so the joke’s on me.

Part 2 of trailers/teasers, here’s a peek at Empire season 2 and ALL HAIL Cookie’s top knot. Even better news, it has been confirmed that Cookie will get a spinoff for all her fabulous glory. Yaassss.

Bonus: Remember Macklemore FT. Ryan Lewis? Macklemore had an oops baby and therefore released some new dad music featuring Ed Sheeran AS WELL AS Ryan Lewis. Give it a listen… (Note: Macklemore has prettier rings than me. WTF.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. The Bieber Roast was surprisingly entertaining. Look, we all hate Justin Bieber and know that this was an aggress PR move so that he can try to salvage his career after being a real d-bag for 3 years now. I went into the roast expecting it to be Biebz being obnoxious and a bunch of comedians who were paid to be there and didn’t want to be. It turned out to be pretty good, mostly because the comedians/mish mash of characters that showed up didn’t even spend that much time roasting Bieber and giving him the attention he so clearly needs, they roasted each other waaayyyy better. Overall winners are definitely Natasha Leggero who crushed it and Hanibal Burress–this is also obviously biased because they’re the two that very clearly showed they hated Bieber. I always respect the hell out of comedians who are told they have to say something nice at the end of their roast and literally struggle to fake it. I’m pretty sure Natasha just told Biebs that things will probably get better. Hannibal said Biebs seemed like a sharp business man. If you didn’t catch it Monday night, I recommend it for some laughs, I also recommend that you skip the last 10 minutes when Bieber takes the time to thank God and beg for forgiveness. Yuck. Get outta here. Bonus Points: Shaq literally picking Kevin Hart up and spanking him like a small child. Easily the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen and yet the internet couldn’t make it into a gif. Pretty selfish.

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2. Week three of Zayn spitting in the face of 1D fans. His new solo song was released and now the heat IS ON.

C’mon Zayn, cut it out. For Harry. (PS the song sucks.)

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3. Hova banded all of the billionaire musicians together to create Tidal, a music listening service where rich singers get more money for you to listen to their music. This week they made a big deal on social media, changing their avatars to a blue square and talking about equality for all artists and then they held a huge press conference with all of the superstars to say, please start emptying your pockets for our music, commoners. No disrespect (cause Illuminati) but there is NO way I would start paying a monthly fee to listen to music. I think paying over $100 for a concert ticket in the nose bleeds is criminal enough as it is. But what do I know, I’m obviously not the genius who put a helmet on, added plates for mouse ears and started cashing in on beatz.

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4. LUDA is back in my life. He’s doing press for Furious 7 and his new album LUDAversal and damnit I missed him. Remember the disgusting song Fantasy that was about lickin? I do, because Cin and I just jammed to it road trip style with rapper hands. Good news is that he did an acoustic version with the Roots this week. BACK SEAT, WINDOWS UP.

5. Paul Walker’s brother, Cody looks like this.

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Have a good Easter weekend thinking of those baby blues.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds named their probably gorgeous daughter JAMES. WUT. Seriously, the amount that they annoyingly kept this name a secret until Ryan was finally hammered to death with name questions and finally he was like ITS JAMES, DAMNIT. I wish I never found out. It’s so Hollywood and I don’t want them to be Hollywood. Here’s hoping she goes by Jamie and we never have to think about this again. You let me down guys, but you’re still super attractive and cool so s’okay…I’ll let it slide. PS: James Reynolds sounds like an old British man who smokes cigars while wearing a houndstooth jacket. HOW DO PEOPLE NOT THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS WHILE NAMING THEIR CHILDREN?

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2. Miles Teller has lickable abs. Cutie pie Miles Teller revealed this before and after shot on Jimmy Fallon to show how he’s preparing for his role as a famous wrestler or something. I don’t remember because once I saw these abs I lost control of my brain activity. Don’t look at the stache, just focus on chin, down. Gratuitous Friday drool sesh. Happy Spring indeed.

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3. Eva Mendes says sweatpants=single 4 lyfe. Apparently Eva Mendes named sweatpants as the number one cause of divorce. It’s not difficult to surmise why I think Eva is a turd…could just be a little bit of the green eyed monster of BITCH MADE A BABY WITH THE MOST PERFECT MAN IN AMERICA. First of all, yoga pants are classified as sweatpants and they make girls asses look phenomenal. So we can cut the shit with the sweatpants shaming. Second of all, do you think she’s literally doing everything she can to hang on to Ry Gos? I mean, look at him… Ryan_Gosling_GQ_Dec14_10 Girl probably wore sweats one time (right after she gave birth to their future model child with an actual female name) and he was like meh and so now she spearheads the no sweatpants unless you wanna get yo ass left campaign.

UPDATE: All that is Holy, RyGos tweeted about this story…he’s pro-sweats so everyone CTFD.

4. Zayn Malik leaves One Direction. Dramz going down on the 1D international tour as Zayn has peaced out and there are rumors swirling that he’s cheating on his fiance or hitting up rehab. I tapped into the world of 13 year olds (not that difficult considering I basically am one) for this piece of juice. I will give it to those 1Directioners though, kid’s dreamy. He’s no Harry..but still…

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Anyway the only rehab I hope that he’s considering is one for wearing these TERRIBLE headbands to hold back his luscious locks. No seriously, even when these were in style in roughly 1998 I hated them because they basically punctured my cranium. Never forget.

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5. Kelly Clarkson rips a Tracy Chapman cover like nobody’s biz. KClark making a comeback with a new album and reminding us why she’s the OG of American Idol when she wails out this cover of Give Me One Reason.

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