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Weekly JUice

Week of 11/7/16

1. RIP Facebook. As of this week, Facebook is pronounced dead because I can no longer go on it to stalk people I haven’t talked to in 10 years or lawl at the period of my life when I went through a ROUGH FB video phase instead of texting people like a normal human being. Nope. Now when I look at my feed I see people yelling at each other and being a bunch of b-holes. For my personal sanity and to preserve my first amendment right to escape onto Facebook into a dark tunnel of left arrowing embarrassing pictures dating back to 2007, I’m going to ask  politely that everyone CTFD and take a break from angrily spouting off in their statuses. We’re all in this together, high school musical style. And if we all just learn the Kenny Ortega choreography and stop calling each other racists and pigs on the ‘book, it’ll be a much better country and that seems pretty obvious.

dunphy

If you would like to have a much-needed laugh this week to ease the tension, feel free to turn to the much funnier and more talented writers of Hollywood. Because what brings ‘Merica togets better than pizza and fart jokes? Answer: nothing.

To learn more about Dr. Farts the T.Rex, read Leslie Knope’s letter here.

2. Olsen Twins ❤ Crusty Old Men.

mka

WHAT is going on. I know I’ve been including them a lot on the JUice but seriously my childhood dies abruptly every time I see them lately. For my most formative years, these girls set the tone for finding cute boys on family vacay and dating them for 3 days. How am I supposed to believe in the magic of an exotic location bringing 13 year olds romance when all I can see now is Ash open mouth kissing a cryptkeeper at a basketball game while her hand dangles in mid-air. Barf.com.

ashleyolsenash

3. DREAM. 

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Dream Renee Kardashian 💕 @dream

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Nope that’s it. That’s all I’m going to say. Dream. Kardashian. Daughter of Slob KeRob and Blac Chyna. North, Saint, Mason, Penelope, Reign and Dream. This is our future.

4. The Mannequin Challenge.

Remember when Daniel was wearing white vans and that became a thing and we were all like whoa the internet is weird. Well now it’s all the rage to film everybody pretending to be a mannequin. Bitch, check out the security footage of my office Monday through Friday and you’ll see the realest mannequin challenge ever of adults sitting and staring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day. The internet needs to step up their game if they’re going to play in the big leagues of viral vids. Steph Curry’s mannequin challenge was hands down the best though. Also Michelle is like F it, we’re done here so I’m gonna kick it with Lebron and become internet famous.

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Dream Team 💕 #mannequinchallenge

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🎈🎉🎂

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5. Prince Harry has spoken.

meghan-harry

Since I wrote about this last week and how it was alleged, I feel as though it’s necessary to CONFIRM that Prince Harry is dating actress Meghan Markle. We now know this because one of his butlers dictated a letter from him on the Queen’s parchment paper telling everyone to stop being racist AF and harassing his girlfriend. I’d like to point out that I said she was a babe and never once was rude to her, which is surprising considering how bitter I was. I’d also like to point out that it’s laugh out loud funny that Kensington Palace is regal and old school, releasing statements in print on official stationary, only to have to then tweet it out for anyone to even see it.

BONUS: Mr & Mrs Jeets stepped out in NYC looking FUH-INE.

City Point, Kids Foot Locker, And Haddad Brands Present BKLYN Rocks - Backstage and Front Row

DOUBLE BONUS: The Fox show that I predicted would be cancelled by now (Pitch) just tweeted this:

mpg

And I would like to personally thank them for that.

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Television

Fall 2016 TV Premiere Guide

I typically like to try a few new shows each year to see if any are worthy of adding to my very diverse TV watching portfolio. This year seems a little light on the pilot content, probably because network TV is on the decline while it competes with online streaming services, but nevertheless, I still dedicated a whole Sunday to watching all of the new series that premiered last week. Keep reading for my opinions of what shows deserve a chance and what ones to skip.

WATCH:

Designated Survivor

designatedsurvivorabc

Wednesdays, 10P, ABC

As the new political series, this one hits A LITTLE close to home, so I can understand some people not wanting to watch. It follows Kiefer Sutherland, a secretary of urban development or something bottom rung in D.C. getting fired and then a mere 7 hours later being sworn in as President after a terrorist attack wipes out like everyone important in government. Due to the fact that our current election very closely resembles an SNL skit and ISIS is bombing cities left and right, this “fictional” show following a very likely story line is not for everyone. Judging by the pilot alone, which was quick-paced and interesting, I approve and will probably give it a chance.

This Is Us

thisisusnbc

Tuesdays, 10P, NBC

I was sold on this just by seeing Milo & Mandy at the helm, and then was even more hooked once I kept seeing everyone gushing over the SURPRISE TWIST. I will not spoil aforementioned twist, but it is quite unexpected and due to this change of page for a TV show format, I’m intrigued and put aside my conflict with shows that make me ugly cry to commit to this series. Plus, they really know how to make a lady blush by giving us a taste of Milo’s bare ass within the first ten minutes of the pilot. Bonus points for man meat mixed in with the inevitable case of the sads.

milogifthisisus

Notorious

notoriousabc

Thursdays, 9P, ABC

The first episode starts with a bang. Literally. Two people having sex in an office. That’s immediately followed by another character in the show about to have sex in HER office with a shirtless guy grilling and making dirty meat innuendos. This show is primetime T-rash and I support it wholeheartedly. I guess the premise of the show is the drama of a gossip news show and the secrets and backstabbing that occurs in order to produce it. All I know is that there are babes and scandal and murder and I’ve got all hands on deck.

SKIP:

Kevin Can Wait

kevincanwaitcbs

Mondays, 830P, CBS

If it wasn’t obvious, this show is King of Queens with kids. Kevin James plays a cop who has just retired and makes a lot of food/fat jokes. The end.

Bull

bullcbs

Tuesdays, 9P, CBS

A crime drama that I was so bored with in the first 10 minutes that I completely tuned out. Dr. Bull is Michael Weatherly so he’s obv super attractive and charismatic but I don’t really feel that he brings much else to the table. Other than of course PULLING OFF those dark frames. He’s not even a lawyer; he does something with the jury and is supposed to be super analytical. At one point he was imagining people speaking in court when they really weren’t and it was supes confusing. In breaking news I may be too dumb for this show.

Speechless

speechlessabc

Wednesdays, 830P, ABC

A bajillion sitcoms premiere every year and most of them end up cancelled before the first season ends, so I get that they’re trying to keep the format fresh but a plot about a family with a handicapped kid doesn’t really translate to LOL’s for me. Plus, the whole thing how I hate kids kind of cancels out a show all about middle school kids.

The Good Place

thegoodplacenbc

Thursdays, 830P, NBC

Kristen Bell is Eleanor who after death ended up in heaven but they made a mistake because she was actually a real asshole her whole life. Every time she does something turd-ish, the whole place gets punished so she has to try to hide that she should actually be burning in the pits of hell. Previews for this looked like dust but Mike Schur created it and he also created Parks & Rec so I had to give it a shot. So despite the fact that, “Do you have a second to eat my farts?” made me laugh out loud like a child, the show still stinks, much like a bunch of farts. Also if you’re not allowed to swear in heaven then you can COUNT ME OUT, BITCHES.

Pitch

pitchfox

Thursdays, 9P, FOX

In lazy fashion, I didn’t even watch this one for myself but my family saw the premiere (from a baseball dugout, VIP style) and they told me not to bother. This probably isn’t the best stance to take on a show that’s highlighting the first female major league baseball player but whatevz. According to the G-Man, TV critic extraordinaire “It was completely unrealistic and very predictable.” Those are some fightin’ words for Pitch, and teaches us all a lesson that not every show that Mark Paul Gosselaar is in can be a hit. In unrelated news…MPG and Michael Weatherly look SUH much alike.

Bull

The Paley Center For Media's PaleyFest 2015 Fall TV Preview - NBC

 

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