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Weekly JUice

Week of 8/15/16

1. What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Lie about being robbed at the Olympics, apparently. It’s a real shame his reality show got cancelled because ratings would have soared through the roof for this shit.

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Ryan Lochte, the bro who showed up with frosted hair, wore grillz at his gold medal ceremony and trademarked the catchphrase “Jeah”, claims he was robbed at gunpoint and when the robber told him to get on the ground he turned into Duane, otherwise known as Kimmy Gibbler’s hamlet and cheese.

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Then he skipped on outta Rio with his lady friend. Not so fast, RyRy because it seems like you messed with the wrong corrupt country. Rio smelled a rat and yanked Lochte’s swimming  buddies off their plane to question them. Can you imagine having to be a sidekick to Ryan Lochte and then ON TOP OF THAT, getting held back in a country that had dead bodies washing up on the shores just because you had a few too many beers and decided to go along with your drunk friend’s dumb story?! The real events have finally surfaced today and it entails drunk bros vandalizing a gas station bathroom. So it turns out Lochte was just getting in front of the story. What looks really bad? Headlines about American Olympians (some might say heroes) going on a boozy tirade at a gas station. What looks really good? Them getting robbed at gunpoint and surviving. Round of applause for that spin zone, Ryan. You really sold it AKA you created a conflict between Rio and the US, made your buddies pay to leave the country and now look like an even bigger doofus than you did before.

grillz PS If you & your boys wear Yeezy’s out on the town in Rio and brag about it on social media, you 100% deserve to be robbed at gunpoint forrealz.
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Double PS, my very last final in college (shout-out to Olympics class) was the question “What is Ryan Lochte’s catchphrase?” So not to brag but I have a college degree AND I once bubbled in “C: Jeah” for an actual grade. This seemed like a fitting time to toss that story into the mix, because it’s embarrassing, but not quite as humiliating as making up a crime and creating an international incident over it.

2. Whatever, Simone Biles.

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😘🌹

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I mean the minute this bid started yapping about how much she LOVED Zac Efron and had a fullsize cutout of him (creep, much?) I was like yeah some talk show is going to cash in on having them meet. I didn’t think they would fly Zac out to the actual Olympics, but whatever. Hey Simone, you just won a bajillion gold medals…LEAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US. Ugh, whatever. Not bitter or anything. But like seriously? The video is pushing it. We get it. You guys kissed a lot for Instagram. Call me when he sticks his tongue down your throat.

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on cloud 9 💙☁️ @zacefron

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3. Biebz is off the grid. I’ve been saying it ever since Biebs went in on fans taking his picture and strolled barefoot around the Boston Common…pop your popcorn because he’s on the fast track to a Britney/Lohan/Amanda Bynes worthy meltdown. It always starts with the fame-hating and spirals from there. Some take it to head-shaving levels, others tweet about Drake murdering their vag. To each his own. It seems as though we’ve got a classic case of everyone stop judging my life and I for one can’t wait to see where this goes.

To catch up anyone who doesn’t follow tween drama–Biebs has been whoring out Lionel Ritchie’s daughter, Sophie (who is basically Kylie Jenner 2.0) and he’s getting pretty sad panda that no one wants to see his latest bae vomited all over InstaG. So he threatened to delete and that’s when Selena hopped in to be like hey guess what no one wants to see your bang buddies, stop being so dramats, your fans love you. Obviously there was some bickering via Instagram comments. Justin replied with, you used me for fame (no disrespect) and there were some cheating allegations tossed back and forth. Realistically this part was like watching your trashy high school friends air their dirty laundry on a facebook status and everyone weighing in on it. It was entertaining for like 3 minutes then we all decided to go out and live our lives. Then Biebs deleted his Insta and Selena’s all:

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(Cue the Selena H8) WHOA. THE THREATS WERE REAL. BIEBS IS OUT. No more pics of his hoes in different area codes for us! WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT THEM?! Rejoice in the fact that we’re one step closer to a Bieber Meltdown, THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO.

4. Can Ryan Cabrera replace Biebs?

As one of the OG boytoys with spiky hair, I’d much prefer to have Ryan back on the scene and Biebs off. This song sounds kinda like something JB would drop, except I actually like Ryan, so I will listen to this on repeat for the rest of the month and hope that once he gets off his My2K tour, he’s back in our lives for good. Bonus points: this island beat makes me believe summer will last forever. HORNZ ON HORNZ. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO FULL SONG.

5. The ChadBear will do more than shit his pants on TV. 

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I guess Chad didn’t want his lasting legacy to be taking a dump directly in his shorts on Bachelor in Paradise, so somehow he’s secured a cameo on the upcoming ABC Family sensational hit: Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After. Does it make any sense? Of course not, and there you have the reasoning behind every paid appearance from a Bachelor(ette) alum, ever. Probably one of the smartest PR moves to be made though. That show was a shoe-in to be a dud and now that people hear Chad’s name associated with it, it will be appointment television. I’m already locked in to see what will go down. Call me a sucker for Chad, I don’t care, I’m all in–especially considering the only time Ben and Chad have ever been brought up in the same sentence was this:

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Chad Tells All

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“Think about your thoughts before you say them.”

Welcome to Chad’s long-awaited return. Also welcome to a Salty Ju who endulged in Happy Hour on an empty tummy. If we’re being honest, last night’s show was more of a hot mess than me being semi-drunk alone on my couch. And that’s saying something. Let’s get right to it.

The cast of characters is the usual, Derek, Alex, Vinny, St. Nick, James (et. al.), Wells, Damn Daniel, Ali (?), Chase, Luke…then things start to get real ridiculous. We’ve got the Bachelor superfan (don’t know his name), the Asian with a kilt who referenced his dick size on night one and immediately was sent home, and Brandon—the “hipster.” Except, what’s that? Brandon took a pair of kitchen shears to his mullet and now that he has short hair, CAN WE STILL CALL HIM A HIPSTER? That’s what should’ve been the debate of the night. He midas whale be going for the full Jordan Rodgers at this point. That’s SO anti-hipster. Kind of like a Jersey barber getting ROASTED on twitter for his horizontal forehead hairdo and trying to grow out the flop for his next televised appearance. Did he eat Rogaine at the same pace that Chad guzzles ‘roids once he saw the feedback on his head?

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The best part about this was that 90% through the show, Vinny’s like, “Hey JoJo, you like my flow?” Uhhhh WE NOTICED, VINNY. Anyway, we’ll get back to the Mama’s boy later but first, Evan would like to kick off the show by talking about how stunned by JoJo’s beauty he was on night one. All he could say was “God bless America.” Well, that and, who’s paying for my ripped shirt that was provided by production? SERIOUSLY who’s paying?!

JK he didn’t bring up the cotton tee yet, but there was chitchat about the the Chad vs. Alex vs. Derek conflict, which apparently comes down to everyone being soldiers. I’m not sure why we need to drag America into this but I don’t think it appreciates being a part of this narrative. Wells calls Alex an American hero who only knows how to fight. Luke speaks up like a diplomat and is all, I was in the army as well, and everyone deals with it differently. For instance, Luke dealt with war by becoming a sexy but respectful cowboy. Naturally all conversation directs back to Chad and how even though he also is a vet, he’s just a plain asshole. Guess the soldier argument doesn’t really hold up now, does it? Thank you for your input, Wells. May I remind you that you had the “never been kissed” storyline this season.

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ABC brings Chad in like the villain in the wild west, complete with whistling. DON’T RUIN THIS FOR ME. Chad is quite literally the only thing I have left to grasp onto this season. As they play his season highlight reel, Chad giggles non-stop. It’s his boy-like wonder and glee as he watches himself yell about tossing torsos in the pool that makes me feel alive. Then he opens his mouth. And it gets 10x better. He uses a biddy voice to make fun of all the contestants for coming in like, “I just wanna know more about JoJo” and fires at any bro with a rebuttal that he has dirt on them. But really though… THAT’S ON THEM. Don’t speak up unless you want Chad to dig your grave and that’s preetttyyy obvious. Speaking of dirt, Chad’s been hangin and bangin with both Robby and Grant’s ex girlfriends since he’s left the show. He started talking to these chicks to prove that not all Bachelorette contestants are d-bags. This in itself is a phenomenal idea for a new show. Dating the girls left behind. I’d like Quinn King and Rachel Goldberg to produce it, stat. Chet can be involved too, if he really wants. No but actually. I need to see a live feed of Chad juggling Hope and Jen as he convinces each chick that every one of their dates needs to be ‘grammed so they can tag their ex-boyfriends. Sex tapes pending. Propsicles to Chris Harrison for asking if Chad’s been “intimate” with these women though. Dude. Where’s this forward line of questioning after the Fantasy Suites?!

St. Nick/the man who coined “Jo Jo Jo” in a santa suit/the guy who did this:

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has had enough. He’d like to spar with Chad in the middle of the soundstage. Chad doesn’t want to because they’re both wearing dress shoes and that would be a slippery mess. Don’t be an idiot, Santa. St. Nick promptly returns to the North Pole to tell the elves to invent non-stick dress shoes for his next MMA opp with Chad. Then Derek tries to speak up but his pocket square doesn’t even match his shirt so his opinion is irrelevant. Also side note: every person on this planet except me caught you bustin out those buttons, Der. Double also: they didn’t even make Derek watch himself sob in Argentina and I’m still pretty mad about it.

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Now it’s time for Chad vs Evan and a literal play by play of the shirt tear heard round the world. Evan claims he’s shaking everyone’s hands but he actually was pushing Chad, which provoked a real rip of that tee. And justice is served. Take that gofundme down because Evan doesn’t DESERVE to get a new t-shirt. I mean, THE NERVE.

Luke still loves JoJo and says that his pain making JoJo happy is all worth it. Yeah he’s a shoe-in for the next Bachelor. Chris Harrison brings up Luke’s military times and losing his close friends. Thanks for that downer, Chris, ya dick. On the up side, Luke is single and ready to mingle currently…with 28 new ladies. WINK WINK. As if that wasn’t obvious enough, Chris takes it further by saying, “It seems like you’re ready to love again.” WOW Chris, way to be discreet about it. Should’ve just had him sign the Bachelor contract on-air if you were going to drive the point home that much. On the flip side, Chase doesn’t regret saying I love you, cause JoJo taught him how to say feelings. Also quick reminder: he didn’t get any booty.

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Who’s the next bachelor? *Raises hand slowly*

Both men present an excellent case when JoJo comes out as they slobber all over her and thank her for the experience. Luke thanks JoJo for letting him love her. (Hearts flutter, vagina’s sigh.) Chase wants to know why he got a fantasy suite card just to get dumped. Ok, Nick Viall. He also adds that he’s thankful and JoJo shouldn’t feel guilty about how they ended things. Hey Chase, no hard feelsies, but it’s no competition. But seriously, no hard feelsies because producers making you watch that breakup back live is BRUTAL.

JoJo looks like a complete smokeshow and I’m pretty positive she was paid to give a shout out to kilt boy as she walked onto the stage. That’s literally the only reason he is present. scottishasianIn other men trying to squeeze their five minutes dry, James Taylor wants to take a moment to say that in a world where we have dating apps and we can “pick the chicks that are the prettiest and the most smart, ” he’s #blessed to have dated JoJo, who is the prettiest and the most sincere …but obviously not the “most smart.” Hey French Fry Mouth, it’s “SMARTEST.”

Chad takes his time to remind JoJo that her bottom two consist of a guy who dumped his girlfriend a week before the show and a guy whose famous QB brother doesn’t speak to him. Both valid points. In fact, I’m wondering if Chad ripped this directly from my recap last night. JoJo refuses to respond because Chad thrives off of backlash. Not our fault girl is blinded by the truth. A bunch of other guys including lil Al suck JoJo’s nip with compliments and Chad just grins ear to ear in the corner. We get it, you all love JoJo and want to extend your reality TV careers for as long as possible. Joke’s on you because Chad will probably be on TV for the next ten years. That’s not me talking, that’s this grand country of ours that puts batshit crazies on an island to bang each other every summer for Bachelor in Paradise.

In a last ditch bit, Vinny’s motha emerges from the crowd to scold JoJo. This is a woman straight out of Mob Wives, a blonde Big Ange, (may she rest in peace) if you will.

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Dripping in a choker and her Jersey accent, Mama Vinny tells JoJo that she made a mistake and her son is the greatest gift to this earth. JoJo says Vinny was her BFF in the house. What every man wants to hear.

The grand finale is some bloopers of JoJo swatting bugs away. SoOoO interesting. Then finally, it shows JoJo hysterically crying and trying to get a dog to say hello to her. The dog keeps walking. I can’t emphasize this enough when I say that this is every single interaction I’ve ever had with a dog. I immediately run to pet every dog I’ve ever seen/snuggle them and they run as fast as they can away from me. WHATEVER DOGZ. I just want to love you. Is this a metaphor for JoJo’s love life? I GUESS WE’LL NEVER KNOW. Just kidding, tune in next week for the 100 hour finale where she pretends she can’t make a decision but somehow she picks Jordan. Did I spoil it? No, no I did not because I can’t live in a world where Robby wins this.

 

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- The Other Chad

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Chad’s Last Stand

The boys gather to toss Chad’s protein powder into the wind and Wells is the lead spokesperson? Huh? Has Wells said anything since he almost passed in his firefighter suit? James Taylor plays his guitar of course. And Even declares, “Chad has been eliminated by Alex.” Not confident he knows how the show actually works. Daniel lets Chad back in the house so the bros can form a circle around him like a captive audience nommin on cereal to hear all about his date. This ends in Chad and Jordan getting into a handshake fight. No seriously, I stopped listening but I know that there was a squeezed handshake and some power staring. 1, 2, 3, 4 I DECLARE A THUMB WAR. Chad spin moves out of the house and that’s all he wrote for the best character in Bach history. What a disappointing departure after all that whistling build up. The boys embrace Alex like he’s the MVP including cupcakes, party hats and a sparkler. These guys have WAY too much time on their hands.

Cocktail Party

Chase gets in a bubble with JoJo and it’s seriously pointless. Until JoJo flatlines Chase with one bump and that brings me pure joy. James F(?) Who has done nothing of substance for the past four weeks, read a poem to JoJo that was super dumb and she teared up. The mystery is solved, JoJo can absolutely cry on demand. There is no way that poem elicited emotion in her. Alex cuts his soliloquy off, which is almost as embarrassing as James F getting tossed immediately after writing prose for JoJo. Jordan saves the day with a quick toss of JoJo against the wall for a steamy makeout sesh, harlequin novel style to the soundtrack of mystery music. Evan spends the entire first half of the episode talking about Chad and the void that he’s left behind. It’s almost as if his only existence on this show was to antagonize Chad and then he questioned who he even was once Chad peaced outta that B. Side note: HOW IS HE STILL HERE?!

Roses: Jordan, Alex, Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, James T, Evan

Punta Del Este, Uruguay. Three cheers for the travel budget because “ORAGUAI WE’RE COMIN BABY!”-The guy with the horizontal line of hair across his forehead.

Thank God they showed us the cartoon plane flying from PA to Uruguay otherwise I would’ve literally never known where it was in the world.

Let’s Seal the Date with Jordan

The two love birds yacht it up and swim amongst seals, which seems pretty lame. I’m not asking them to go to an island of sea pigs and let them assault you, but if you’re going to be surrounded by adorbs seals, why not play catch with them too?

Back at the GRAND hotel, which in Robby’s words IS pretty grand. Vinny and his wannabe JT fedora trades in his binocs that he used to creep on Jordan/JoJo for a few gossip rags. Once they’re all done being jelly and comparing Jordan to Chad because he got a one on one and they didn’t, they start reading InTouch cover to cover. Apparently JoJo’s ex Chad, who you’ll recall sent her roses during her home visit with Ben, did a quickie tell all that said they were dating at the time she was filming last season. The bros are in uproar about JoJo still being in love with her ex. Don’t these morons know that nothing is true until it’s published in People? Bible. Also this was 100% planted because producers realized there was no story without the Chadbear. Always need a Chad to keep things interesting.

And on the date, playing with the very obviously written rumors theme, JoJo “met” one of Jordan’s ex-girlfriends who warned her that he sucks at relationships and she needs to address it with him. How’s that possible when she meets the suitors during filming and can’t communicate with the outside world? Oh yeah this show is fake. My B. Jordan says he never cheated but he liked flirting with chicks. He confirms that he was immature and he’s ready now to get married to someone he doesn’t know. JoJo whines DON’T BE MAD AT ME because she tried to get to know him and build trust. Definitely something she should be apologizing for. He gets rosed.

Afterward, producers are like how’s your date? Who cares, here’s a slanderous story from your ex-boyfriend that we’ve given to the contestants to simmer with and confront you about. JoJo cries a lot and says he’s manipulative and an overall terrible person. She sobs real hard to the boys that she’s here for the right reasons. They’re all like OMG WE WOULD NEVER DOUBT THAT. K, whatevs.

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I Can’t Sand to Be Away From You with Luke Derek Chase Evan James Vinny Grant Wells Alex

The crew goes sand surfing, which actually looks really fun despite how gross and dirty sand is. The boys might as well be shouting JoJo WATCH THIS!! as they try tricks and flips in the sand to show off their mad skillz. Evan fears another gushing nose because he can’t handle life without bleeding out. Later they all use their one on one time to talk about this dumb planted InTouch story. Also apparently Alex hates Derek now and calls him an insecure little bitch for telling JoJo that he feels that their relationship needs validation. Literally what has Derek done to deserve such miniature-strength hate. Derek gets the rose.

Love is Within Our Reach with Robby

JoJo plays with a strange dog on the beach and I could honestly watch her play with this dog for the rest of an episode rather than have to watch Robby pretend he likes girls. They go around the city or something and jump off a cliff together and make out in a cave.

Robby tells a tale of how his best friend drove off a bridge a year ago. It inspired Robby to drop his girlfriend, move and quit his job. Seems pretty rash kind of like telling a girl he loves her like 1 week after meeting her. He does that though. And I curl into a ball of cringez. Her reply is “thank you so much”..and a rose.

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Alex and Chase gang up on Derek about how he got his rose, Chad style. No but really. Give it a rest, Alex. You’re moment to shine has passed, the minute your feet dangled from the couch.

Cocktail Party (Naht.)

Derek takes the boys (Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan) outside to tell them they’re acting like a high school clique. Alex tells him he’s being sensitive. Yes that’s right, the guy who made it his mission to go after Chad and wah-wah about everything he did, is calling someone else sensitive. This is so dramatic and lame. Thumbs down for everyone included in this man pow-wow. Joke’s on the high school kiddies because there’s no cocktail party…so that we can get back on track with one rose ceremony an episode HOPEFULLY.

Roses (again): Jordan, Derek, Robby, Luke, Chase, Alex, James, Wells

Evan cries. Grant’s ass looks good in his suit. Vinny cries. (about his hair?)

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But really though, Byebyebyebyebyeeeeee Evan! 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/13/16

1. Everyone’s all up on Taylor’s Jock AGAIN.

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Honestly, People.com FIND YOUR CHILL. These screenshots were all from the day that news broke of Tay smooching Tom Hiddleston and it was downright embarrassing that they covered their website with these headlines.In a much more laid back way than People, I’d like to offer up the opinion that this is a weird rebound choice, tbh. Also Calvin deleting insta pics and unfollowing Tay on Twitter is a liiiiiiitttle high school and kind of defeats the “a relationship ended and what’s left is mutual love and respect” tweet post-breakup. Still doesn’t mean we need 15 stories dedicated to dissecting it. Jus sayin.

2. This is better than The Notebook rain scene.

Damn, Nick! This was hawt. At first I was like k, why is this B writhing in a bed and crying. Seemed pretty dramats for a song about not banging someone. Then they bang in a luxury rich people shower. And when I say bang, I mean he banged the diamond necklace right off of her. Fist bump. Say bang again.

3. Mila & Ashton Baby it up round 2.

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There should probs be a Hollywood law that you can’t procreate again until we’ve seen the first one. Seriously, what’s with all the privacy people? Tay pecks someone and it spews into 15 different stories but we can’t even get one peek at your baby? (cough cough Gosling cough) Anyway congratszzzz guys, I’m sure it will be cute af with a bizarro name. Editors Note: I used the google and actually found some pics of lil Wyatt which makes my whole blurb on this a moo point (cow’s opinion) but I’m too lazy to retype it. She’s adorbs, of course.

4. Could these two be cuter?

The answer is no, of course not. SUH CAYUTE. While we’re at it with posting insta’s from the Buckster, he’s really been on fire this week closing it off with this nostalgic gem:

 

5. I’m going through Chad withdrawals.

There was no Bachelorette this week and therefore, no Chad. So while I ordinarily don’t include bach news on the JUice (unless it’s an inevitable break up that I predicted, lookin at you Chris Soules) I needed to include this for a good laugh. This is Chad watching himself for the first time on the show and enjoying it just as much as I did. What a performance he gave us this season. Only 3 more days until we see his grand finale. Can’t w8. Side note: If you need humor today as much as I do, check out his entire instagram. It’s gold.

Bonus:

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#TheBachelorette re-voiced by kids.

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