1. Fergie & Josh Head to Splitsville. After 8 years of marriage Fergie Ferg and Tad Hamilton are breaking up because WHY WERE THEY EVEN TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE? Seriously. These weird ass Hollywood couples that pop out kids and sneak under the radar for far too long before breaking up always baffle me. Fergie used to wear Timberland heels, gold nameplated hoops & shiny track suits while she writhed around onstage with 3 other black guys rapping at her. Josh Duhamel is a rom com heartthrob. Yeah, ok. Sources say they were just “too different.”
That being said, London Bridge was my JAM back in the day. Grey Goose got the girl feeelin loooooose. (at the time of this release it was more like St. Bart’s got the girl throwing up, but whatevs, we can pretend.)
In super boring and dumb news that no one cares about, my boyfriend, who has spent the last 6+ months trying and failing at scooping me on celebrity gossip FINALLY got a W with this one. I guess it was about time, but like it doesn’t make me any less irritated about getting scoooooped. He’s handling it really well. If by well we mean bragging about it until the end of time.
I feel like Selena Gomez has some aggressive AF fans because any time she’s posting on social media it’s to defend herself because her fans have been up her bhole asking where she is. WELL GUESS WHAT. She’s been getting a kidney and stuff. EVERYONE COOL YOUR JETS. Not for nothing, but what a sly sneak back into the spotlight for Francia Raisa, star of Secret Life of the American Teenager. Not that I watched that show or anything (never missed an episode) but word on the street was that Francia played the slutty one of the high school who was preeettttyyy loose with her morals.
Nothing cleans up a bad gurl image–on ABC Family–quite like sacrificing an organ for your friend. Claps all around. Hopefully Selena’s rabid fans have been satiated with this very personal update. More importantly, thank you for bringing memories of the greatest show ever created back into my life.
So I guess this means Behati & Adam Levine are pregnant again although really with that picture and such a non-descript caption, it could also just mean she ate lunch that day and hadn’t taken a dump yet. Whatever. Here’s to another dumb name. Still bitter about Dusty Rose.
4. Yonce gets a headline about her lame dress.
I get that we’re all supposed to bow down to the Beyhive, but when she steps out to Rihanna’s magical ball in a $165 dress that’s hideous, I don’t think this is front page of People.com worthy. Snaps for her for getting her figure back post-twins ravaging her vagina (if she was actually preggers this time) but also, show it off with something nicer than this dress that peasants can buy to wear to their cousin’s fall wedding. COME AT ME, BEYHIVE. I’M ALL SORTS OF FIRED UP AND I AIN’T SCURRED.
5. Love Always, Mandy.
Mandy sneaky got engaged to Taylor Goldsmith, lead singer of Dawes this week and was inconsiderate by not posting a picture of the ring for us all to judge. This is the best shot we’ve got and you can BARELY see it. Step it up, Mands. I expect a close up by next Friday’s JUice. ESPECIALLY with the amount of press you know she’ll be doing for This is Us, the *groundbreaking* show we never stop hearing about.
1. Dusty Rose Levine. Congrats on your baby girl Adam and Behati, also congrats on naming her an adjective to describe a situation where things are dirty. Oh there’s a cobweb in the corner and a lot of leftover dirt piled up. That’s just our daughter Dusty. In a world (Hollywood) full of asshole names, this HAS to take the cake. And it’s not even because my family and I have spent an entire year calling things we don’t like “dust”. Although that certainly plays a factor. It’s also because whenever I hear the “name” Dusty, I will forever and always immediately think of Chris Brander with a mouth full of blood and probably a few teeth, spitting out “Dusty Lee” in fear.
But yeah, Dusty Rose will definitely never get made fun of for that name. Snaps for you.
2. RiP Brangelina. There’s no way I could’ve done a JUice without including this. When the news broke on Tuesday, I got scooped so hard that I was real bitter about it. My former co-worker who used to make fun of my sister and I for how much celebrity gossip we knew was the first to announce it to me and I was in utter distress. What made it worse was that I was at work and couldn’t keep tabs on all the best Rachel Green gifs flying around as a response. Work sucks, I know. (Little callback to the Blink days, you’re welcome for that.)
Even though I was PEZZED about not being the first to break the news–and you better bet once I was scooped I took out my megaphone and broke it to everyone around me at work. Unfortunately no one cared but whatevs, I still got the satisfaction. ANYWAY, this news wasn’t in the least bit surprising. Even Jen, the angel (and smokeshow) that she is, was like yeah I saw this coming. It took A LOT longer than anticipated, but we all knew that cheating on your wife and then getting stuck with a bazillion kids is not the way to rebound and Pitt would be over it sooner or later. Rumors are flying around town that he cheated with Marion Cotillard (she’s preggers and it’s not Brad’s so supposedly everyone can buzz off about that theory.) Now he’s under investigation for like shouting at his kids on a plane or something. Look, if the FBI could investigate parents for discipline then we can open the book on my entire childhood when spanking was still a thing. I once hid in my own closet to avoid a spanking. Typs child move though, go to the one place where there’s no escape, to hide. That’s why kids are dumb AF. But regardless, this will play out for like probably the next six months so pop your popcorn and buckle in. And as if it wasn’t blatantly obvious already: HASHTAG TEAM JEN. Seriously she won this breakup like forever ago.
3. Dad Jokes.
You know what’s super embarrassing? Being 13 and having your dad do LITERALLY ANYTHING near you. I said EWWW so many times when my dad spoke in my teen years that he used to beat me to it after everything he did. You know what’s even MORE embarrassing? Having your dad, formerly known as MARKY MARK rap about spanking you on a live radio show. YIIIIIIIIKES, Ella. I bet you regret telling dear ole dad to spit a few bars once he threw that down and then to add insult to injury outed you for losing your phone privileges. That’s like, social suicide. Ella can’t go back to school ever again unless you want her sitting in the bathroom at lunch and that’s obvious. Dad better hand out free Wahlburgers to smooth everything over. Also, I’m going to guess that Ella won’t be able to get a boy to call that contraband cell phone of hers until she’s like 35 with Mahk “I could’ve stopped 9/11” Wahlberg as her father.
4. Merry Christmas from the Tanners. Fuller House just dropped on Netflix in like April of 2016 and everyone “loved” it so much that they’re already announcing season 2 to arrive in early December. TWO SEASONS OF FULLER HOUSE IN ONE YEAR? WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS? We laughed at terribly written and really bitter Olsen twins jokes. That’s what we did. Shame on all of you. I watched Fuller House because I’m a sucker for comebacks and I wanted to believe it would be great. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. It turns out you can’t replicate 90’s gold like a toddler calling a stranger a cheesehead. Shout out to Michelle.
Fun fact: Full House also premiered 29 years ago this week and what’s impressive about that is last weekend I did a 90’s themed pub crawl wearing a Jesse and the Rippers tee and the majority of our competitors still referenced Forever. Because gr8 music and mullets never die. Let’s forget about the tacky DJ sequel and just live in a world where shirtless Uncle J can ask the sky just what we have…and it will show forever.
5. RYAN GOSLING.
These are the same thing every time but like honestly though, any time we get a coveted appearance from the Gos himself, it deserves it’s own slot on the JUice. Same goes for JT, duhs. Unfortunately he has exclusivity with JFall and probably will never be in one of these.
I’m posting this because like every other BB this summer, I had Closer on repeat. I even went so far as to name my summer pics FB album “We ain’t ever getting older” becuase it’s a personal goal of mine to never get older. Bottom line is that last week I learned that The Chainsmokers are a coupla frat boy doucheronis via their Billboard interview where they talked about how their music is better than God and all they do is drink and get laid. KEWL. The hot one even had the balls to say that MTV screwed him over by having him sing live at the VMA’s and choke real hard. That was your decision to sing amongst an entire show full of lip syncers. Sorry your voice isn’t good, dude. Anyway, if you want to give a lot of dirty looks to your computer, read their full article HERE! Otherwise, just enjoy the above tumble from THE GREATEST MUSICIANS OF ALL TIME. Closer still bangs though.
The VS Fashion show is always right around the time of year when I’ve already had my winter body for roughly 2 months. And yet I still plop my ass on the couch in an oversized sweatshirt surrounded by snacks so that I can comment out loud to myself “she’s TOO skinny.” All in all I’d say it’s an annual success in reaffirming that my daily regiment of eating every hour and never exercising makes me a supermodel at heart. It’s the inside the counts. Last night Taylor Swift and her runway star power was sorely missed but there’s never really a shortage of things to giggle at.
Highlights:
-Last year I ripped on the amount of kisses blown and how the angels actually discussed their preparation for getting the right wink.. Well of course there were 1 trillion more facial spasms this year but the new move seemed to be the shimmy into a wink. It was a welcome change from blowing a kiss at the end of their strut. I’d rather see them toss those moneymakers around than give dramatic air smooches.
-With Kendall’s debut as an angel, it was to be expected that the Kardashians would snake their way into the spotlight. Momager Kris was probably salivating at being the equivalent of an Awards Show Taylor Swift with the amount of times the camera cut to her in the crowd doing this (every.time.Kendall.walked):
-The Weeknd wasn’t briefed on how the models like to clasp hands when they walk by the performer and watching him navigate that on the fly was downright entertaining.
-Definitely wasn’t jelly at all of this…her core is like TOO flawless, ya know?
-Ellie must have learned from last year’s near Ariana Grande beheading because she just missed a decapitation by some ferocious butterfly wings. (Also did 90’s Mariah Carey design this show? What’s with all the butterflies…)
-YIKES:
-Selena Gomez takes on the Pink collection, which is essentially cute PJ’s, sports bras and cotton briefs yet she wears this and it’s OUTRAGEOUS. I love Selena but she’s gorgeous all on her own. I don’t think she needed to pop in blue contacts, ask for her spray tanner to make her a different race and wear a silk dress that was one shimmy away from a nip slip. Read the room, Sel.
-Selena would’ve stood out even more except that the Pink collection quickly turned into a slutty Halloween costume contest. WHAT was happening here?! A cop, a firefighter, an astronaut, a girl LITERALLY carrying a surfboard? As if the wings aren’t enough of a walking liability?!
-Winter wonderland was the best collection by FAR. Especially Candice. DAMN.
-Sucks to be this chick wearing ACTUAL firecrackers. WINK.
-If we’re being honest I’ve seen more extravagant fantasy bras in years past.
Fluff Pieces that made me laugh:
-A backstage promotion of Instagram and who has the best account/most followers quickly snowballed into “how to take the perfect selfie.” As the young’ns rattle on about angles and lighting, Adriana Lima stomps on them by pointing the camera at herself and saying, “TA-DA! I’ts not that hard.” HAHA you rookie idiots, watch Adriana, you might LEARN somethin. Realistically when you look like her… it IS supes easy to take gorgeous selfies.
-The squad wouldn’t be the squad unless they took a few moments to casually insert how much they loved being in the Bad Blood music video and strutting down the 1989 stage. Lily was like fantasy bra? Who cares! I’m BFF’s with Taylor!
-A detailed workout segment that ended with one of the angels saying, “I totally think we’re athletes”…I’ll just leave that one there for you. Interpret it as you will.
-“It’s a little weird walking past your sister’s boyfriend in lingerie but it’s gonna be great.”-Gigi letting us know that her and Bella are SO Hollywood. JK I’m obsessed with Gigi and she looked amahzing in the show. Real proud of her.
-Lily speaks to the fantasy bra while the grumpiest security guard in all the land stands watch on camera. This is a bra made of colored gems, not Buckingham palace. Let’s calm ourselves.
-Annual holiday commercial features Tay “This Love”, of course. Hey—wait a second—Rome doesn’t look like that! It looks like thousands of people everywhere sweating and gladiators charging you to take a picture next to their toned pecs and tacky costumes. I guess Michael Bay envisioned a more magical Rome, whatevs.
The VS Fashion Show is the only fashion show that all people of all genders can find mutual interest in watching. The guys watch in hopes that the camera will linger long enough on the model’s ladybits, and the women watch it to judge the models while they shove ice cream in their face and lay in bed wrapped in a snuggie. (Just me? Oh ok.) Regardless, us girls have had a nice treat two years in a row now watching Taylor Swift become an honorary angel and slay the runway. Without further ado, here are the highlights of last night’s installment.
The Show Highlights:
-Within seconds of the first model walking, the camera flashed to Taylor’s reaction backstage and we are all reminded why we are here…to watch Tay react to things. She cheered Behati on, she sang along to Ed’s performance then shouted KILLED IT as he came offstage, she danced with the models waiting to walk..say what you will about Taylor but girl knows what she gets paid the big bucks for and milks it for all its worth. Plus it was a welcome distraction from the bones clacking down the runway in loose corsets.
-In the first segment one of the models (rookie) is forced to wear puffy 80’s sleeves instead of wings and then decides to do an awkward squat booty pop as her runway pose and it is the most unfortunate scene of the night. Too bad they didn’t show Tay’s face after this.
-If we were playing the drinking game called drink every time an angel blows a kiss I would have been dead from alcohol poisoning within the first 5 minutes.
-Taylor performs Blank Space into a 1989 jewel encrusted mic in a pink silky duster, (we learn what Taylor’s Secret is with that xtra pushup bra) furry stripper heels and is forced to tone down the theatrics of her performance a tad so as not to steal the show from the models…she doesn’t and I respect the hell out of it. What I don’t respect, however, is how she keeps trying to interact with the models by awkwardly one hand grasping each one as they stroll by. There should have been a firm no hand clasping policy, except for her BFF Karlie.
-Ed Sheeran performs the phenomenal song “Thinking Out Loud” and we have a horrible contrast of beautiful song and the UGLIEST outfits of the entire show. I’m guessing the theme for this segment was preschool craft corner because it looked like “pinterest fails” threw up on all the models. Noticeably missing: a pan to Ellie Goulding, front row, while Ed was singing to create some ex-lover drama. Really coulda used that, CBS.
Ed cleaning house with the ladies
-Ariana Grande gets assigned the “Pink” segment for baby gurls who like track pants and fuzzy PJ’s. Suuuper Disney. She performs the grand medley of all her hits that she’s been banging out lately and it gets real distracting because she has two over-eager platinum blonde backup dancers who flanked her sides and were wearing spacesuits. She finishes the medley and bats her eyelashes which just ends up looking like she had shit in her eye. Noticeably missing: the moment when she gets nailed in the face by one of the wings that the internet got a preview of, but no one got to see live.
-Hozier performs “Take Me to Church” for the “fairytale” segment and it is quite comical watching the models struggle to bop to this song and interact with Hozier who looks like the dark creepy guy leering from behind a tree in the woods rather than Prince Charming. Hozier is NOT down with the blowing of kisses from every single model, his eyes are firmly shut.
-And our grand finale: the premiere of “Style” by Miss TSwizzle. Karlie & Tay (rumored girlfriends, confirmed besties) enter together like bad bitches in lace holding hands. Karlie is rocking a cape and all they needed was a doberman to have fully recreated the Blank Space music video. It’s clear that the Taylor gets to wear/perform for the best collections because this one is another banger. There is a flawless surprised face mid-song from our girl and then CBS had the NERVE to cut to someone in the crowd yawning during the performance. OFF WITH HER HEAD. And we end the show drooling over Taylor’s legs and forgetting about all the models. What’s that? There was actually a final walk? Whatever.
-The models rush backstage to de-wing and they show a person working backstage lose their eyesight permanently due to a wing porking their retina. How many people do you think wear eye patches post the annual VS Fashion Show? I’m gonna go with over/under 100. Poor unfortunate souls.
The Fluff Pieces that made me Lawl:
-Adriana Lima & Alessandra Ambrosio, the VS vets who kill it every year have some time to talk to us about how they’re both moms of two kids, both have names that start with A, and both have been beautiful forever. Therefore, since they have so much in common, they were crowned with the honor of wearing the fantasy bras-aka the super expensive diamond covered bras? I think? To be honest, I stopped listening once they flashed pictures of them at the age of 15 looking like goddesses and not geeky, weird teenagers who were too into Fallout Boy. Definitely not bitter though.
-We get a rare glimpse into the preparation of the show on behalf of the models, who treat it like a big slumber party. Just kidding, they take it seriously–maybe a little too seriously. One of the pretty faces (they all blurred) tells us sternly, “Getting the right wink or right kiss is so important. It’s everything.” I can relate, girl. They talked more about how modeling is super hard and they’re nervous and I applaud them for being so brave and honest. It takes a lot of courage to….sorry what were we talking about again? Oh right, getting paid millions to blow kisses in lingerie.
-We meet Russell James, VS photographer of 14 years who tells us it’s hard for him to express how lucky, blessed and fortunate he feels. Since he’s having a difficult time expressing, I’ll take a stab at it for him. He gets up every morning, flies to exotic warm beaches and takes pictures of hot women with big boobs in bikinis and lingerie, so like, #blessed. Did I capture it? Also props to Kendall Jenner for weaseling her way into a sneaky appearance in this segment, because the world can’t live without a Kardashian appearance/reference.
-Karlie Kloss, resident ride or die bitch to Taylor Swift gets to show us how she’s also a classy ballerina on the side and this little snoozer of a peek into Karlie’s life explains EXACTLY why those two are as tight as they are, baking cookies and going to barre classes on the weekend.
And this ends our yearly look into the fabulous lives of a Victoria’s Secret Angel. I hope I covered it all–we laughed, we cried, we blew a thousand kisses. Until next year!
Performances before they’re inevitably pulled from Youtube:
The Salty Ju 