Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette S13 – Ranking the Contestants

Typically this is the most exciting part of the Bachelor(ette). Bios are released and we get to judge humans based on their LifeTouch yearbook photo and how they choose to answer stupid pre-written questions. After last season’s dolphin and mermaid obsessed ladytestants, it seems as though this process is beginning to go downhill. I used to rank all of the contestants, picking my winner before the season begins. I physically can’t do that anymore. There’s just too many duds. So instead, let’s point out all of the red flags before we meet them, shall we?! GREAT! Lezzz GoooOOOooooO.

*Total disclaimer: After going through these and essentially finding a problem with each contestant’s bio I think it’s become pretty clear why I never did online dating. NO ONE LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER. (Also, boys, it’s not that hard to look good on paper. You have infinite amount of time to think about your answer before writing it down. Be better.)

Hi I’m a RED FLAG, nice to meet ya!

Adam, 27

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The most romantic present he’s ever gotten was a birthday threesome. ROMANCE IS STILL ALIVE. He also used to cook 4 course meals for people in college and charge them. LOL!!!! (His words, not mine.) Sounds like a winner.

Alex, 28

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One time ate a live salamander. Nuff said.

Anthony, 26

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Anthony calls himself “emotionally intelligent” and this isn’t normally a dealbreaker but I had immediate PTSD of last seasons’ Taylor vs. Corinne showdown and we don’t need another Taylor in this franchise. We understand that you read books and like rich mahogany, Ant. Don’t brag.

Blake E., 31

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Was engaged for 48 hours and wants to watch 50 Shades Darker because he likes “taboo sexy stuff.” Oh Blake E, you wily Ginger, you.

Brady, 29

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This actual, living Ken doll likes to go tackle snowmen for fun in his hometown. Also gets REAL fired up about The Situation, considering the Jersey Shore has been off the air for 5 years and the Situation is no longer “famous”.

Bryan, 37

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Bryan is asked to list his 3 best attributes and lists 7. Follow simple directions, Bryan. Also, he’s old.

Bryce, 30

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Describes himself in the bedroom as, “A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning.” Ok, Bryce. Also, is an elf. Not necessarily a red flag but definitely something to consider.

Dean, 26

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Has “righteous” tatted on his inner lip. Literally said he thinks marriage is a religious sham. Here’s to getting that ring, Rach!

Diggy, 31

diggy

Darties too hard every weekend for someone who is 31 and was once in a sex positions contest on spring break, whatever that means. Diggy=grown up frat boy. Those tortoise shell frames don’t fool me for a second. Don’t hate ’em though.

Fred, 27

Fred

Fred admits that sometimes he gets “aroused” at work and needs to go to his desk to hide his boner. Is Fred secretly 13, covering his boner jams with a Five Star Notebook? Where does he work? How often does this occur that it’s worthy of a Bach answer. YIKES.

Grant, 29

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His favorite magazine is Playboy. Wink face. BARF FACE, GRANT. BARF. FACE.

Jack Stone, 32

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The only jabroni who listed a full name that is certainly what he wants his stage name to be. The name’s Jack Stone, pleased to meet me.

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Jamey, 32

jamey

His ideal mate is a model. Go F yourself, Jamey.

Jonathan, 31

jonathan

His occupation is listed as tickle monster, his favorite singers are Elvis Presley, Britney Spears and Flo Rida and he lasts a long time in bed. Ole tickleshits here is a walking red flag.

Kenny, 35

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Kenny is a pro wrestler with a caveman tattooed on his chest. One time he got a girl Edible Arrangements and that was his most romantic gift. A FRUIT BASKET.

Kyle, 26

kyle

Kyle admitted that he’s blunt and doesn’t think before he speaks. Every man in this house will hate him and he’s top contender for this years’ villain. He also classified himself as an “athletic” lover. “LOL.” BOYS. STOP USING LOL IN YOUR ANSWERS. YOU ARE NOT 14 CHATTING ON AIM. YOU ARE TRYING TO FIND YOUR WIFE (sort of)

Lucas, 30

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His occupation is listed as “Whaboom” and this is something that I don’t even want to Google. His pets consist of an ant farm and some fish and his ideal mate is Belle, Cinderella, Ariel and Jessica Rabbit all wrapped up into one. Lucas has a cartoon fetish and is one step away from the tickle monster for weirdest contestant ever.

Milton, 31

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Milton fessed up REAL quick that he just wants to be discovered. Hey Milton, that’s not how this works. You try REALLY hard to find love and then when you get kicked off you start hawking MVMT watches and looking for acting or modeling gigs. You don’t admit it in the interview process. Gawd. Rookie.

Lee, 30

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Not to stereotype but reading Lee’s bio gave me horrific flashbacks to the UnReal plot of bringing the deep south racist on as a contestant with the black bachelor and having her wear a confederate flag bikini on the first day.  Most likely to be racist: Lee. But seriously, he references his “mamaw” almost immediately. I’m just saying, it wouldn’t be the most SHOCKING thing in the world if Lee’s family has a little deep south racism ingrained in them.

And since I just ripped apart 90% of these dum dums, here’s my favorite from the lineup and my pick for the winner.

Demario, 30

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Demario is hawt, seems fun and works in a JT and Britney Spears denim outfit reference IN ADDITION TO a Bey and Jay relationship goals shout out in his bio. He knows how to be the right amounts of funny and passionate. He looks good on paper and probably without his shirt on. And THAT’s how you do it, bruhs. (Pls don’t @ me if he ends up being a total psycho.)

Now let’s roar with this HISTORICAL, RECORD BREAKING, MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER.

Click HERE if you want to read the full bios.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/24/17

1. Happy Birthday to me, from Harry Week.

Harry + James 43v3r, beginning May 15th, the day that I was born into this world. WHAT CRAZY ANTICS WILL THEY GET INTO?! You bet your bottom dollar I’m about to find out. I’m so excited that I’m not even thinking about how my sister, brother in law and boyf collectively RUINED his SNL appearance for me by continuously asking why I thought he was attractive. I’m choosing to ignore that STUPID question and get ready for new music and new lawlzzzz from this dynamic duo. PS: I lied. I’m not going to ignore that stupid question. Just look no further than the first three gifs I found on google. Any mood-Harry is sexy. Argument over.

2. Bye, Farmer Chris.

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I can’t with the Bach contestants and how they treat their lives like a boozy adult summer camp. Go on dancing with the stars, “write” a book, promote MVMT watches on InstaG, go to paradise for 3 weeks to bang other bach family members #incest. Rinse, repeat. Well it looks like Farmer Chris done F’ed that up for himself. In the sketchiest recount of an accident I’ve ever heard apparently two trucks fell in a ditch and the driver of the other vehicle died. Then Chris ran away and hid at someone’s house until the cops provided a warrant to drag his ass to jail, where he took this v sober mugshot. YIKES. What would Chris Harrison say?

3. Bye, Dirty Dancing.

I previously shit all over this casting job when it was announced but now that they’ve actually released footage it deserves to be re-dumped on. Why ruin a classic? This seriously looks terrible and the fact that it’s a made for TV movie says everything. Yes that’s right, calling it a “great television event” doesn’t change the fact that it’s a higher budget Lifetime movie. Don’t you dare disgrace Patrick Swayze and his magic hips like that. They’re sambaing in his grave as he ROLLS OVER.

4. Hi, Blake & Ryan.

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Blake & Ryan hit the red carpet making me uncontrollably drool all over and I needed to talk about it obviously. This dress is pretty ugly but it’s Blake and I still gasped when I saw her. That’s all. Carry on.

5. Don’t trust Ja Rule to organize a festival.

Ja created Fyre Festival on an island in the Bahamas where tickets were like 1200 bucks and he promoted it with a bunch of models on yachts but like guess what? It was a heaping pile of hot garbage. Or in the words of every update from it today: MASS CHAOS! It’s a good thing the target audience for this shitshow wasn’t millennials addicted to social media… oh wait…

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Definitely looks like a once in a lifetime experience! Hey Ja Rule, how about you stop pretending you’re the next music festival mogul and get back to popping out bangerz with Ashanti. The jig is up. You’re embarrassing yourself. Also, not to be glossed over–anyone who bought tickets to this event based on a rap music video promo with models shaking their T&A:

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BRING US INTO THE WEEKEND JA!

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Goodbye 3 Hours of My Life

This tweet sums up last night as a whole. It is NEVER necessary for the Bachelor to be 3 hours long, especially not when it’s the worst season that’s ever aired on TV. And while I’m ranting, WTF APRIL?! HAVE YOUR G-D BABY. Three weeks is FAR too long for us all to watch you eat hay, shit and nap (see Corinne, giraffes nap too!) GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD.

But anyway, let’s pick up with Raven who high fives strangers and skips around Finland to a poppy soundtrack after she O’s. Or that’s what the producers would like us to believe. There’s no WAY Nick got the job done. And while we’re on the topic of Nick, let’s discuss how stupid he looks in a winter hat. With the baby hairs sticking out the front and the way it sits half on/half off his head, he looks like a real wiener. These girls have to be drying up just at the sight of winter Nick.

Rachel

Rachel is falling in love with Nick but cannot be trusted with her judgement because she’s wearing a crop top in Finland. Rachel asks Nick, “ do you know where you stand with me?” and Nick says “not entirely” so they’re really in sync as a couple. She tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him and he says 100% samesies. No seriously, he used the FULL percentage in reciprocation. Seems like a pretty dumb thing to do with someone that you’re OBVIOUSLY sending home. So he’s continuing his streak of blind sighting girls. They spend the night togets and obv Rachel makes herself vulnerable (wink, wink). She also doesn’t take her choker off when she sleeps which is CRAZY. Who can sleep in a choker? These are the biggest things I took away from this date. Penguin onesie and CHOKER.

Vanessa

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Vanessa & Nick wear matching icy blue swimwear and do a polar plunge basically in a little pool outside a cabin. Sounds ssssssuper fun. Nick spazzes out all over the joint and looks like an R-worded dinosaur once they get back inside to warm up. Then they do it again. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF THIS DATE? If anyone ever suggested this as a date to me I’d be outta there. Vanessa’s really getting shafted on this show. Plus she has to look at Nick’s stupid winter hat situation for the entire time. They hit the hot tub to warm up and ask each other if they’ll last after this show. The answer is an obvious no. Nick will not leave this country to live with Vanessa and her tight-wad family. Why? Because he’s proud to be an American. Barf all over me. Now that Nick’s faced with the decision of moving to another country for a girl he doesn’t love, suddenly he’s Uncle Sam. Okkkkk. Shit starts to get too real too quick so Nick keeps telling Vanessa that they’re just too similar, which is a bitch ass way of saying that he doesn’t see a future with her because later on he says hopefully we can “figure it out and accept our differences.” HOW CAN YOU HAVE DIFFERENCES IF YOU’RE SO SIMILAR? HMMMMM, NICK? Riddle me that.

Rose Ceremony

Nick cries big sloppy wet tears because that’s what he does best and sends Rachel packing. Could’ve done without this tearful goodbye, tbh considering we know Rachel will be just fine. She’ll have her tongue in 26 other guys’ mouths in no time. Time and tongueing other men on TV heals all wounds, is what I always like to say.

WOMEN TELL ALL

I’ve always loved the concept of the Women Tell All epi because what could be greater TV than tossing angry, rejected women into one room and then trotting out the man who dumped them? Unfortunately, it can also be a disaster in the form of catty bitches just shouting at each other about one little thing, Housewives reunion style. That was the case this time around with the Taylor vs. Corinne saga. And let me be very clear, I’m #TeamCorinne. Everything else is white noise–like for example Elizabeth and Lacey, who painted on their best faces and showed up ready to yap at every opportunity. Who are either of these ladies? The world may never know.

womentellall

Hey does everyone remember Liz, who slept with Nick then surprised him on the show and he didn’t remember sleeping with her? Well she took last night as an opportunity to get up on her soapbox to tell everyone that it doesn’t matter who you bang in your past, it shouldn’t define you. Which, like, true, but not necessary to make a feminist manifest over slutty drunk wedding sex. Also, you still have a tattoo that takes up your ENTIRE back. People don’t forget.

Taylor then takes a page out of Liz’s book and declares that people in the helping profession shouldn’t be shamed for helping people. WHAT? Everyone basically boos her off the stage. Corinne gets up mid- Taylor sob sesh to get herself a cold glass of champs. Amen, sistah.

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After Corinne is properly hydrated, her and Taylor have a LITERAL battle to the death of who napped and when and how long their nap was and did they have a blanket and I want to drill a hole in my skull. Corinne would just like everyone to know that she was fucking tired. Same, girl. Same. I’m especially tired of Chris Harrison repeatedly asking Taylor why she’s getting emotional and her response being “I’m just so overwhelmed.” Maybe if you didn’t act like such a seaward everyone wouldn’t overwhelmingly hate you. Then the audience is treated to Raquel’s cheese pasta, which spoiler alert: is  just plain pasta with shredded cheese on it. I would’ve put that directly in the trash where it belongs. There’s only one cheese pasta that’s acceptable and it’s called Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (SHAPES ONLY).

Kristina gets the “hot seat” to re-tell her story that we just watched in full in a recap and Liz rips that spotlight away immediately by sobbing in her chair and turning it into another feminist rant. Liz would like us all to stop fighting about naps and think about how Kristina could have been forced into prostitution. Again, valid point but like stfu, Liz. Let Kristina tell her story. We get it, you’re all friends except for Taylor and Corinne and Liz would like us to know that she builds wells in foreign countries instead of sleeping with bachelor contestants at a made for TV wedding. (Don’t think I didn’t notice how you had one of the other girls slide that factoid in, LIZ.)

liz

Finally Lispy comes out IN THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR and Lacey wants to know why he only talked about Josephine when he was with her. WAS HE FRIEND ZONING HER? Lacey, he had no idea who you are, just like the rest of us and if he chose to talk about the girl dressed as Sarah from Hocus Pocus while on a date with you then you need to reevaluate your life.

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DLo still isn’t over being dumped and “asks a question” aka just sobs and says it was unfair how Nick broke up with her. I mean, Nick is quite literally the worst at dumping girls but realistically what did these B’s expect? He says sorry (ish) and everyone pets DLo so she stops crying so much.

Rachel comes out and everyone praises her as the new Bachelorette and I actually fell asleep when she was talking. Next season should be F-U-N! Here’s to another 3 hours down the drain next weeeeeekkkkk weeeowwwwweeeowwwwwweeeeeee!

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(I think I’m getting Bach delirious.) Also, Rachel if you’re going to be the next Bachelorette you’re going to have to do better than an awkward one sleeve dress. PUH-LEASE.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Show Me Your O Face

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Apologies for being late with this recap but it’s like pulling teeth to watch this show and I’ve just recently downgraded to a life without DVR (please keep me in your T’s and P’s) so the struggle was VERY real just to be able to watch this pointless episode after it aired. But after attempting to steal my parent’s cable from 130 miles away and failing miserably, I finally got it on Hulu. Yes you have to hear about how hard I worked just to watch Corinne get booted. Dedication at its finest.

Anyway, last week Andi rolled up to Nick’s door and they were like WHAT WILL SHE SAY?! OMGGGGGGG. Turns out just like any other former contestant whose hard up for cash, she was brought back just to give some “advice”. In this case, advice=give Nick permission to bang his three girlfriends in the fantasy suites. Cause like he’s an adult, and she’s a feminist. Did I misinterpret the definition of feminism in Beyonce’s hit educational bangpiece “***Flawless”?

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Andi also sneaks in a little jab about Nick being a total wiener and telling America that she “made love to him” on the after show roughly 3 years ago. People don’t forget. He’s like yeah ok maybe I regret that. Except he doesn’t really regret it…because it got him a TV deal for 3 more years.

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At the very windy rose ceremony, Raven shows up in actual black face and Corinne wears a fur coat. What a diverse group of ladies. Nick decides not to rose Cruella, probably because she was giving a mean stink eye throughout that rose ceremony. Corinne sobs and asks what she did wrong and Nick says she did nothing wrong, gives her a hug, says he’s gonna miss the hell out of her and tosses her into the limo. What a magician of breakups Nick is. Explain nothing and get them the hell out of there. To be fair, Corinne is probably too confused to notice that she just got shafted. She loud sobs all over that mink that her “heart will like literally like never like be repaired.” My teacher used to hit the desk every time someone said like and I wish a producer did that during this goodbye. The sorrow doesn’t last long because she quickly turns heel to being #DONE with impressing men. And then she puts herself to sleep. Goodnight sweet cheese pasta princess with the vageen of platinum. We will all miss you and your lack of emotional intelligence. corinnesmink

Lapland, Finland with Raven

The gang jets off to Finland for the fantasy suites, so that Nick can showcase his collection of turtlenecks and really show the ladies how versatile his wardrobe is for any season. Raven gets the first date/hang because Nick doesn’t really know if he likes her. She laid off rubbing actual mud on her face for her Finland makeup regimen and I thank her for that. They take a helicopter ride to watch deer run in the snow or something and then hit the pub for darts with the locals. She sucks at darts, and I know this because I went through a phase where I would play darts at the local dive bar every weekend and my friends continuously harassed me for bending my knees and winding up for a jump shot every time it was my turn. None of them offered to carry me to the dartboard like Nick did for Raven, so that’s pretty rude, tbh. Some local Finlandian’s (I made this up and I’m ok with it) looking to catch their big break come over and laugh at Raven’s stupid accent and talk shit about her in their native language, probably.

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Nick and Raven discuss their future and Nick has agreed to cook if Raven will fold the clothes. What a pair of domestic partners. I couldn’t help but notice that there was no mention of who will take care of the home while Nick is in LA doing Dancing with the Stars. These are the real hard-hitting future questions that should be asked on this show. What SHOULDN’T be discussed is Raven’s inability to orgasm all up in this B. She’s apparently never had one and it’s something that we should know. She also thinks Nick is going to give her one tonight in the fantasy suite. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. Girl. He kicked a girl off so she would stop talking about their one night stand because he’s bad at sex. Lower your expectations.

Later on at dinner, it comes out that even though Raven dated her ex for 2 years, she never told him she loved him…and he only told her when he was drunk. HI I’M A RED FLAG, NICE TO MEET YA! Kinda explains why he cheated real hard on her.  Raven then gives the most scripted I Love You speech to Nick that I’ve ever heard and he’s like that’s the best profession of love I’ve ever heard. Even better than movies. Ok, Nick. I’m a little concerned about the fact that Raven was with someone for 2 years, didn’t love them yet met Nick 3 weeks ago and is so completely in love with him and trusts him to take her to O-town. After opening the fantasy suite card/key Raven immediately tells Nick that she’s only been with one guy and he couldn’t get the job done for her. No presh or anything. Nick quickly suggests to the camera that he might not sleep with the women so it’ll make his decision easier in the end. I WONDER WHAT CAUSED THIS EPIPHANY?! Hope Raven brought her BOB to Finland! See ya next week for 100 more hours and probably Rachel’s farewell.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Elephant in the Room

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Three minutes in and Nick is shedding all sorts of man tears, which really sets the tone for this stupid episode. All anyone cared about is meeting Raquel. The rest was white noise.

Hoxie, Arkansas with Raven

Raven brings Nick up to the top of a water tower and the big, bad, Hoxie police roll up to do a really shitty job of pretend reprimanding them. Nick straight shits his pants and obviously the cop is Raven’s brother. Don’t quit your day job, bruh. That acting was EMBARRASSING. After Nick finishes cleaning up the big dump in his pants from being scolded by a cop, they go four wheeling so that they can lay in a muddy, murky wetland DEFINITELY full of snakes and writhe on each other.

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Later, Raven’s parents announce that her dad is cancer free and Nick awkwardly claps and has all the uncomfies. Raven cries, and gives a written speech. Nick SHOCKINGLY doesn’t cry. So to reiterate, the blowing of a breeze makes Nick sob but hearing happy news and seeing everyone emotional=his eyes are the Sahara desert. I don’t have anything to say about this boring ass home visit other than her accent makes me want to hang myself.

Texas with Rachel

Right off the bat Rachel hauls Nick to a gospel church where the reverend introduces Nick as her boyfriend. He is the only white in that church, which has roughly 14 people in it. So obviously faith is important in Texas. Nick says he’s very comfortable in a place of worship, which seems weird for someone who bangs girls on TV.

At home, everyone wants to know if Nick has ever dated a black girl before. I want to know if Constance is aware that her husband is gay. I’m genuinely surprised that this goon doesn’t tell Nick there’s only room for one white in this family after he points out that Nick is in fact, WHITE. WHO KNEW?!

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The rest of the date is a bunch of interracial couple chat and Rachel’s mom using the term “elephant in the room” way too much. The only real elephant in this room is THE FACT THAT RACHEL HAS ALREADY BEEN ANNOUNCED AS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE AND THEREFORE CANNOT WIN AND THEREFORE IS WASTING OUR G-D TIME.

Miami, FL with Corinne

Corinne takes Nick shopping so we can have a 90’s dressing room montage via Rodeo Drive. If only they also played this jam.

They’re going to take everything because Corinne owns a multi-million dollar business DUHHHHHH. After treating Nick to $3000 worth of deep V’s and short shorts, Corinne tells Nick she loves him. He responds with his tongue.

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FINALLY we get to set our peepers on the highly critically acclaimed RAQUEL. Corinne tells her family that everyone razzes her about having a nanny. Quick to come to her defense, Corinne’s mom says that she couldn’t do a lot of things without Raquel rrrriiiiiight as Raquel hands her a glass of wine. Mama needs her juice and she’s NOT about to pour that shit herself! In a shocking turn of events, Raquel is allowed to sit at the dinner table with them. Wowowowow. She really IS part of the family!!! In other character news, Corinne’s dad is straight out of Goodfellas complete with the open shirt to show off the chest music and a gold chain. Corinne and daddy lay on the bed together to catch up, you know, because that’s not weird. They chitchat about how Corinne told Nick she loves him because they’ve been dating for a whole month and that’s basically an eternity in Corinne’s love life. Daddy asks if Corinne would be comfortable making all the money in their relationship or if she thinks Nick can provide for her. Corinne being the breadwinner in any relationship is downright terrifying. Does this mean she’ll be booking more 2Chainz music video cameos so she can afford to buy Nick all of the overpriced pastel tees in the world? One can only dream.

corinne

Nick gets real with Raquel while Corinne and Daddy talk business in bed. I wish I could tell you what Nick and Raquel talked about but there was a REAL language barrier here and it would’ve been an ideal time to slap some subtitles on the screen for those of us at home. I’m pretty sure Raquel gave Nick her blessing, which is only the HIGHEST of honors. Papa goombah then gives Nick some aged scotch that he probably took one sniff of and had to fight back tears as they talk about life, love, and the thumb grip on a rocks glass.

Montreal with Vanessa

Vanessa brings Nick to her “job” at a “school” where she forces her students to make a scrapbook of pictures of her and Nick. Yeah, ok. I can be a teacher too! Hey kids, I just moved into a new apartment and I’ll need help hanging my wall decor. Come on over and do it for me, I mean, learn about carpentry and interior design! Obviously Vanessa wears leather pants, a fur vest and a lace up top with her tits out to work everyday*.

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*when she pretends to work at a school and cameras follow her there.

Nick meets Vanessa’s mom’s side of the fam later, who clearly need to prove that they’re Italian by serving manicotti and shouting MANGIAMO before sitting down. Vanessa’s family is going through a real identity crisis with their languages. They use cliché Italian words, her gremlin little bro has a French accent, and her sister has a Canadian accent. FIGURE IT OUT. Pick one accent and stick with it. Vanessa’s sister tearfully threatens Nick and everyone seems a little too overbearing and judgmental of Nick and Vanessa as a couple. It’s almost as if Vanessa hasn’t told them that she’s just doing this to advance her acting career and it doesn’t matter if Nick doesn’t want to move to Canada.

At Vanessa’s dad’s house, there’s more drama because of Nick’s go-to move this episode, which might be worse than Higgins telling two girls he loved them. Instead of waiting until the end to ask each girl’s dad for his blessing, Nick decides to throw Bach rules out the window and ask every single dad. It’s a snake move, which we should expect nothing less from the snakiest Bachelor whose engagement won’t extend past the season finale of the show. He’s just keeping his options open of course. Instead of pigeonholing with one dad’s permish, midas whale take a poll and see which one reacts the best. I know if a stranger came to meet my dad and immediately asked “if this relationship were to progress and I maybe felt like proposing to your daughter, would you be kewl with that?” Den would be like SOLDDDD! Every happiness to ya both.

Either way, Vanessa’s dad wasn’t sold and he immediately narc’ed to his daughter that Nick’s asking this question of every dad, which makes Vanessa feel like a piece of trash blowing in the wind. She decides that she needs to talk to Nick about this…next week of course because we’re back to this “to be continued” bullshit. Also next week: Andi makes a sorpresa scripted viz because her book sales are dropping. Does it sound like I’m over this season or am I doing a good job of masking my disappointment? Don’t answer that.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Nick Wears Short Shorts

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Let me kick this bitch right off by saying that I knew this show was a crock of shit, but I don’t need to be hit over the head with it every time I watch. For example, if you announce the next Bachelorette before she’s even bumped off the show WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO WATCH ANYTHING SHE DOES ON THE SHOW KNOWING THAT SHE’S NOT GOING TO BE PICKED? I’m fired up and I’m not sorry bout it. This season has been so heavily produced that it has turned into an outrageously boring show. Nick cries, a couple of actresses cry, nobody does anything. There you have it, I’ve summed up every ‘sode this season. But since I’m not a quitter…let’s break down how Nick pretended he is one.

Nick doesn’t even shed his white Keds for a daunt on the beach with Chris Harrison where he says he doesn’t think he could possibly go on being the Bachelor. Chris Harrison, rocking the beachy casj, nods and stares at Nick, as one does to a child when you want them to work themselves through a fit. At the same time, the girls who are too heartbroken for Nick to even put on a stitch of makeup, cry at the house and wonder what their life will be like when this show ends. A lot of Instagram ads, ladies. A LOT. Dramatic music plays AAAAANNNDDD Nick decides to stay after all, because like he’s under contract. The reward for making this fake decision is a trip to another island. And more Nick man thigh.

Let’s Go Deeper…with Vanessa

Nick tells Vanessa he feels like he knows her but at the same time he like, doesn’t know. Deep. Vanessa likes making out with Nick under water. Corinne feels like there’s nothing deep about Vanessa other than her special ed job (aspiring actress) and her Italian family. This is funny coming from Corinne because she’s a shallow dumbass who once starred in a rap video heavily medicated. Are you following?

Later, Vanessa tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him and he diplomatically responds with “I really, really like you.” I’m glad someone learned a lesson from that dopey Snuffleupagus otherwise known as Ben Higgins. Probably the first smart thing Nick’s done all season. Vanessa’s feelings are hurt because she doesn’t know how this show works.

Let’s Jump In with Both Feet First with Corinne, Kristina & Raven

Corinne and Kristina compete to be the hottest yacht hoe. They both slow strip tease but Nick chooses Kristina to give the ole sunscreen rubdown so Corinne almost hurls herself into shark-infested waters. My favorite thing about this date is the girls leaving their hair down and then being forced to casually prevent it from attacking their face while also looking sexy. Kristina cries because she’s afraid of sharks and Nick comforts her obviously. That’s what you get when you come to live life in color, BITCH! (I’m sorry. I think my Bach bitterness is getting out of hand. I’ve got nothing against Kristina, I’m irrationally taking out my anger on her.)

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Corinne, still mad about watching Kristina get suntan lotion fingerblasted, decides to get all sorts of F’ed up for the nighttime date. I’m guessing Nick isn’t into his ladies having bloodshot eyes so he talks to Kristina first. He cries and at this point I don’t even know why. It’s just his thing. Corinne eats a buttload of cheese and adopts a new insufferable habit of referring to herself in the third person. In one of the weirdest and creepiest moves of the night Nick rebounds from crying straight to asking Raven if she calls her dad “DADDY.” WHAT. Raven answers yes and therefore she gets the rose.

Let’s Ride Off into the Sunset Together with Danielle

Danielle says she misses riding a bike and Nick replies, “yeah it’s just like a swing.” What…on this planet…makes a bike and a swing similar?  They interrupt their bikeride to stop and play pickup basketball with a bunch of kids. I’m REAL mad at those little shits for not boo’ing Nick directly off the court for trying to ball out in that outfit. White boy CAN’T jump. Anyway, turns out Danielle’s a real dud and they can’t find anything to talk about other than bikes being like swings…and how they’re both just two Wisconsin kids who immediately moved to other places and tried to be famous. Since this date is like watching Wisconsin cheese age, Nick cuts his losses with whispery Danielle (who also might DEFINITELY be on drugs.) Danielle declares that she’s not good enough and the camera zooms in on her top notch wedgie as she stands up to leave. Cameraman done you dirty, Danielle. Farewell to you and your bunched undies.

And the moment we’ve all been waiting for since they teased it roughly 6 weeks ago…Corinne gets her platinum vageen on and rolls up to Nick’s hotel room (not looking her best might I add) and they close the door to the bedroom. Nick goes “what did you have in mind?” like a WIENER. I think she came over with no underwear on to play Parcheesi, Nick. EYE. ROLL. But then he says no means no, cause you know, rehabbing the image. Corinne wobbles out on her Bambi legs and gets confused about where to exit. She JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING NICE!

Let’s Get a Taste of the Local Flavor with Rachel

They hang out and talk about how Rachel’s never brought a white guy home to meet the fam before. I ignore this entire date because it doesn’t matter now that Rachel has been officially announced as the Bachelorette in one of ABC’s DUMBEST PR moves ever.

Either way, in the end Nick cries some more to Chris Harrison then sends Kristina packing. Solid grace period to wait a week after a girl tells you she grew up an orphan who ate lipstick to survive before dumping her. Gear up for next week where we meet the infamous Raquel and Raven’s DADDY. Wink.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Pretty Much A Disaster

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Little Miss I graduated from Johns Hopkins comes back to pull Nick aside and tell him Corinne is a liar who tells lies. Nick was all, I didn’t send you home because Corinne called you a bully, I sent you home because you haven’t once popped your top off. Good work, Taylor. Pls leave. AGAIN.

Chris Harrison walks in to a bunch of disapproving ladies. Jasmine basically tells him to kick rocks and he’s like before I do, know that there’s no cocktail party tonight. SEE YA. HAH. That’s what you get for treating Chris Harrison like an intruder. DON’T STRIKE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU ROSES. In the first dramatic comment of the night, one of the girls feels a “heaviness in her heart.” Oh, F off.

Roses: Rachel, Danielle M, Corinne, Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L, Jasmine, Whitney

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WE CAN ALL REJOICE BECAUSE THE J’s ARE FINALLY GONE! And unfortunately, so is Alexis, the only one with a sense of humor. #Gone2Soon. Unlike Jaimi and Josephine who should’ve been gone within five minutes. ANYWAY, the gang is going to the island of St. Thomas so Nick can show off his collection of man tanks and fresh white Keds. One time I got corn rows in St. Thomas so we’ve all made questionable fashion decisions there. The full head of braids really brought out my watermelon colored braces just like Nick’s tanks really bring out his dino arms.

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First it’s time for Kristina to get scooped up for a heli ride to a beach. Kristina says, “SLKDJFOWEILSKDfjliEkd” and Nick replies, “Oh you have 8 siblings?” This is how it goes for the entire time. I couldn’t tell you one thing she said but apparently Nick is a really good translator. He rewards himself with a little game of grabass in the ocean.

At night, Kristina tells her back story and it’s preeettyyy heavy (from what I understand.) Like eating lipstick as a child to survive and getting kicked to the curb by her mom for eating her favorite shade of red kind of heavy. At 12 years old Kristina was traveling from an orphanage in search of freedom (“color”) in America. At 12 years old, I was screeching at my parents for not letting me buy the 45-dollar “yearbook” graphic tank from Abercrombie that all my friends were wearing on the last day of school. So yeah, same. She gets a rose because what MONSTER would not give a girl a rose after hearing that story.

While Kristina talks about being a starving and homeless refugee, Lorna the island maid is planted to show how much of a nanny-needing asshole Corinne is. OF COURSE a room at the Marriott comes with a personal maid. Eye rolls for days. Stop being so obvious with your scripting, ABC. We’re not invalids.

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Love’s A Beach with Vanessa, Rachel, Corinne, Raven, Danielle M, Jasmine

The girls do ‘squila shots and play yard games with Nick while he walks around like a T-Rex because who can resist a guy whose go to move is acting like a drunk baby dinosaur. They all cry. I would cry too if I was fighting over this:

A few hours later, after they’ve all taken a page out of Corinne’s book and put themselves down for a post-boozy tears nap to CTFD, Nick apologizes for generally being a wiener and making everyone cry. He spends the evening reassuring everyone that he likes them all equally. I’m guessing he’s crossing tequila off the list forever. He was anticipating a big ocean orgy and instead he got a real sob fest.

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And then I had to call the uncomfortable police because things got REAL weird. Jasmine, who realized trying to impress Nick by bulldozing everyone in her path on the volleyball court didn’t work, had a meltdown. It started out with her freaking out about not getting one on one time and took a sharp left into sexual choking territory and I honestly don’t know how we got there. Neither does Nick as she inches her hands toward his neck and tells him she wants to send him to the chokey. The look he gives the cameraman can only be described as a plea for rescue. Also F Jazzy J for ruining a funny Matilda reference that I use from time to time and making it aggressively sexual. The chokey is for asshole kids, not strangling someone while naked. Either way, it’s safe to say Nick was NAHT into it and Jazzy got bounced real quick.

D.Lo vs. WhitDawgz

Whitney is gorgeous obviously but has snuck through the past 5 weeks for literally no reason and it was her time to shine. And by shine we mean, speak her first words to Nick and immediately be sent home so that he could have another one on one with Danielle (or D.Lo as the biddies affectionately call her) without everyone getting pissed that he’s picking favorites. The professional suitcase grabber comes in and everyone is STUNNED. And then ask whose suitcase that even was. What a bunch of morons.

D.Lo and Nick’s date turns out to be a real snooze. One time they danced so, dancing is totally like their thing—and because of it, Danielle is falling in love with Nick. He grabs her hands and she snickers and whispers “my hands”. So I bet hands are also becoming their thing. BUT NOT FOR LONG because Nick stares awkwardly at her then waves the rose in her face as he tells her she can’t have it. The girls see another suitcase go. By process of elimination, they still don’t know whose it is. Nick follows close behind to cry to them about how he had to send so many girls home and he doesn’t know if he can go on. The second most dramatic statement of the night came from Rachel who said, “The fact that he actually came in here has like, rocked my foundation.” Did it also bring a heaviness to your heart, Rachel or is that just when the open bar is cut before a rose ceremony? You can get back to me on that.

And that’s all she choked wrote. I respect the fact that Nick got a little bit of slack on his short-ass leash from producers and started cutting girls left and right because there was a LOT of dead weight this season. What I cannot forgive him for is crying like a lil bitch after he did it. Don’t ever recruit Nick to commit a murder with you. He’ll immediately turn himself in covered in man tears. Next week he proves how real he is by having sex with Corinne’s platinum vageen.

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