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The Bachelor – IT’S ALL OOOOO-VERRRR

 

Clap, clap, CLAPCLAPCLAP. I am elated that this season has finally come to a close. What did you miss in the 15 solid minutes of content that were dragged out over three monstrous hours? I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER ASK.

Nick starts the episode with some skipping with elves so you KNOW things are going to get spicy. Spicy, meaning ABC flew Nick’s parents and ¼ of his 500 siblings out to Finland to meet these lassies and probably not take it seriously because they’ve been through this twice now. Raven’s up first and if you recall she already met the fam so she basically has a leg up over Vanessa, cause her and Bella are rollerskating, soccer-loving besties. Mostly because Raven has the IQ of a 12 year old but that’s neither here nor there.

Vanessa sweeps into the room full of Nick sibs and puts on her best acting chops to talk about how amazing her relationship is with Nick and it’s believeable AF until she tells Nick’s mom on the side that she can’t see herself not being with Nick at the end of this but isn’t ready to be engaged. Catch 22. Nick’s mom hopes she gets the answers she’s looking for. Which is a mom way of saying, find someone else’s son to marry because we don’t want you. Nick’s dad cries a lot and suddenly it all adds up. Vanessa cries because she senses that she should. They hug it out and mix tears.

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Vanessa and Nick ride horses through the snow for their last date as a peeping Tom dressed as old tymey Santa watches them from behind a tree. Creeper Santa lives in an outhouse in the forest and does not speak English immediately, which makes for an awks communication barrier with the jolly fella. He magically switches to English right around the same time Vanessa snuggles into his beard and things get real weird. They both wish for love and instead get a piece of carved wood. Santa works in mysterious ways. What a rascal.

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Later they’re making out and suddenly Vanessa is sobbing because Nick is also dating Raven. He keeps kissing her anyway. Interesting comforting tactic.

Raven and Nick do some ice-skating, cause like skating’s their thang. Since I’m bored to tears, this is the point where I convince myself and my sister that they’re not actually in Finland, they’re probably just on a movie lot in California because they shed their coats A LITTLE TOO MUCH for it being the dead of winter in Finland. Stay woke. BUT THEN THEY PLAY WITH PUPPIES!!! This is the only thing that’s piqued my attention this entire episode. Seriously, more puppies please. Can he give her a puppy instead of a ring? The least the loser should get is a baby Husky, honestly. Later Nick tells Raven he’s proud of her for being there (?) and Raven says that this stuff shouldn’t happen to a girl from Hoxie, Arkansas. So I guess you’re not allowed to date in Arkansas. Or orgasm.

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The man of the hour (or 3), Neil, rolls up and announces that everyone is rooting for Nick to make it work this time. Don’t speak for us, Neil. Don’t you DARE put words in our mouths. Raven doesn’t get that ring because she gets out of the limo first and in TYPICAL shitty breakup fashion, Nick allows her to give her entire speech of love, gives his own and then sneaks in a goodbye covered in tears. At least he’s consistent at being a terrible dumper this season. She barely sheds a tear meanwhile Nick is drowning in his own. He tells Raven that he’s going to miss her and she replies “I know.” YOU GO GIRL! No seriously though, go…back to Hoxie cause that accent is KILLIN ME.

Side note: Nick must get a paycheck every time he mumbles on TV that it didn’t work out with Andi or Kaitlyn because the name drop count is FAR TOO high for one episode. I hope for Bachelor Nation’s precious livers that this wasn’t turned into a drinking game.

Anywho, in the grand finale Nick tells Vanessa he loves her through tears and she looks like she’s in pain. He proposes and she ugly sobs all over the ring. CRY CRY CRY. I wanted to cry every time I wasted time on this stupid mouth breathing dum dum this season but I held my shit together and he couldn’t give us the same courtesy. Enjoy your next three months togets you wah-wahing fools.

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PS this sweater is hideous.

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PPS Nick still looks stupid in a hat. People don’t forget.

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LET’S PROLONG THIS WITH AN AFTER SHOW

Raven comes out and everyone says the word stoic to describe her reaction at least 4 times each. I would never in a million years apply the word stoic to Raven. What a scam. She went through phenomenal PR training though because she rambles scripted answers to each stupid question about if she supports Nick and Vanessa as a couple like a champ. She will be on paradise, of course.

Vanessa’s solo interview just consists of her convincing us all that they love each other but also that their relationship is hard AF and probably won’t last. The same can be said for their duet interview. We get it, life after fake life is hard and your shelf life has already expired.

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The DRAMATIC twist of the night that Chris Harrison teased since 8PM is that Rachel’s season starts onstage in front of everyone, which is totally not awkward at all. White guy Dean says he’s “ready to go black and he’s never going to go back” and all of America cringes. Live TV and racial jokes all rolled into one. What a package deal. I’m sure no one will have any thinkpieces about that. ABC alternates four contestants black, white, white, black because they have to. Rachel basically does the Carlton with the last contestant of the evening and I’ve never felt more of the uncomfies. In my sister’s words, “I’m hiding under my blankets hoping this ends.” And that’s pretty much how next season will go if Rachel keeps this up with the awksies.

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