JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/15/18

1. Another reason to talk about Meghan and Harry.

markle

As if you ever need a reason…but obviously first comes love, then comes giant televised royal wedding, then comes BAYBAY!!! Pretty high hopes for this nugget to be a stunnah but that’s also because Kate and Wills kids are so adorbs. Kinda sets the bar high. Either way, the announcement was made and now the royal coups is in Australia and we won’t stop breathing down their necks with stupid articles about how Meghan is feeling, how much Harry loves her and wants a baby, what they wore and ate for breakfast every day, etc. Royal fever will literally never die. I MEAN DID YOU SEE THAT DOUBLE HANDHOLD? GOALSonGoalsonGOALS according to every news site in our country that reported it like it was bigger news than their pregnancy. It’s embarrassing how much we drool over these two. Wipe it up, America. (Coming from a girl who has a saliva problem herself, I’m not judging, I’m being a friend.)

The Duke And Duchess Of Sussex Visit Australia - Day 3bondibeach

2. That’s a lot of tattoos to erase.

arianapete

In shocking news to literally no one, Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson have broken up after getting engaged five minutes into their relashe (126 days together but who’s counting). I’m not going to pussyfoot around this…if you both rebound REAL hard and then one of the exes dies from an overdose, that will probably throw a wrench into the mix of your already v. fragile partnership. Since I reported when they got engaged along with a slew of other “let’s just get married real quick because we are celebrities and why not” jabronis, it felt necessary to report when the first one ended. Keeping an eye on you, Biebz and Nick Jonas…

piggysmallz

Anyway, they made a statement, Pete cancelled a standup, Ariana went social media black. I mourned the loss of the term butthole eyes. (I’m still gonna use it, tbh) Ariana got custody of their pet, Piggy Smallz and you know, all of the shit she paid for because she makes 10x what Pete does. And now we have to watch them slowly cover up/eliminate the 1 million tattoos all over their bodies for each other. WooooOoooo Buddy. No seriously, peep below. Just on their hands alone they have like 3 matching tattoos. You know how people say tattoos are forever so think about what you’re doing? Lolololol let’s cover our bodies in each other’s names and phrases. FTR, Pete also did this with his ex girlfriend and had to glaze on over those as well. He’s no rook to the breakup & immediately eliminate body art game. Extra funny slash sad that he tattooed the pig on him and she took it. Maybe consider part time custody for the little oinker?!

tat6tat5tat4tat3

tat2

tat1piggysmalls

3. I love this wedding dress.

Karlie-Kloss-Dior-Wedding-Dress

Karlie Kloss got hitched (and Taylor wasn’t there…a detail that apparently needed to be pointed out. SHE’S ON A WORLD TOUR, GUYS.) Either way, YES MA’AM to this dress!!! I’m lovin it a whole lot. That’s all. See! I can be nice sometimes!

Karlie Kloss Josh Kushner wedding

(from rep)

Credit: BFA

4. My childhood crushes need to stop getting arrested.

WHAT is it with classic 90’s child stars getting arrested for assault? Like 90% of the Sandlot cast got arrested, including my heart Benny the Jet Rodriguez and now we’ve got Jesse former bad boy whose life was turned around by Annie, Glen and his BFF killer whale Willy getting pinched for a domestic with his girlfriend. Allegedly he accused her of cheating on him with her coworker, busted the door down kool-aid man style and grabbed her. YOIKES Jess. Not a good look. That shit will get you sent right back to Wade and the other orphans every time. Where’s Willy when you need him? Oh that’s right, he’s dead because Seaworld killed him. THE HITS KEEP ON COMING. Smash play on Michael Jackson and let his soulful nonsense wash all of this away. If JTT gets arrested next I will LOSE MY SHIT.

5. Eminem performed in the clouds.

Jimmy Kimmel’s in NYC this week and I guess he really wanted to make a splash so he had Eminem make a Venom music video in the Empire State Building. I’ve always been a music video fan and it’s pretty cool how he filmed it there and the way that it was shot but what’s absolutely terrifying is that he’s at the tippy top just rapping like it ain’t no thang. I went to the Empire State Building when I was like 11, so you could say I’m pretty worldly. The elevator ride alone was terrifying seeing how high you were going up and then when I got up there I had about enough courage to get a picture taken with my tiny sunglasses on for my spring break photo album and then it was curtains. Can’t imagine actually MOVING AROUND UP THERE. What a badass you are, Em. Also lol to the fact that no one knew what was going on and just kept taking videos from street level of the empire state building with flashing neon lights. Bet they got some real quality shots of Em-Nasty doin his thang.

Standard
Movies

90’s Movie Characters I Wanted To Date

The fact that I had to ask multiple people if this blog would be funny or creepy can pretty much tell you what line I’m toeing here. The first boys to snag my heart were the classic movie characters of the 90’s and some of them happen to still be great boyf material (fictionally speaking…) Also my legal advisor (my dad) told me to not refer to any of these characters as hot. Probably because they ranged from like 11-17 in these movies. Whatever. I like to play it fast and loose.

10. Josh Framm (Air Bud 1-100)

joshframmairbud

Although I can only say I watched the first Air Bud…who doesn’t love a cute guy who loves dogs and also happens to be teammates with his? It’s fate that Josh found Buddy because the two of them were an ally oop dream team (and apparently in later sequels they dabbled in football and soccer) WHAT CAN’T THIS PUP DO?! Regardless, Josh’s BFF was his dog and that’s something that’s definitely not lame when you’re a kid. It’s swoonworthy.

9. Max Dennison (Hocus Pocus)

maxdennison

Max was Joe Cool new kid from LA. Although he took a fair share of bullying, he got a bomb ass nickname from it. Hollywood had game for dayz when he slipped Allison his digits while wearing his best tie dye and then later took her on a date to a haunted house. He’s cool enough to admit he’s a virg when he lights the black flame and then does his best to protect everyone from getting murdered by a bunch of sassy buck toothed witches. What a dreamboat.

maxhocus

8. Josh Burnbalm (Heavy Weights)

josh

Bet I threw you for a loop with this one. Hey, I can get down with the chubsters if they have a kickass personality like Josh did. Josh was the OG of Camp Hope and had an admirable collection of hats and track jackets like a real stud. He was confident and funny and after getting kicked out of camp he even knew how to pull a prank on his fellow fatties when he pretends he was brainwashed. Josh was as smooth as the chocolate stored in Chipmunk cabin’s top bunk.

Screen Shot 2015-05-27 at 8.25.05 PM joshpleasesme

7. Wally Cleaver (Leave it to Beaver)

wally

The Beav was kind of a little annoying runt, but what really made this movie were the few glimpses of his older brother Wally as hot stuff. Wally was macking on girls during seven minutes of heaven and stealing his BFF’s crush while Beav was getting his bike stolen. Who was the more interesting Cleaver? Plus, THAT hair.

Screen Shot 2015-05-27 at 9.25.34 PM

6. Casper (Duh)

casper casperdancing

K, I’m not about to throw a ghost fetish into the mix, but the fleeting moments in this movie when Casper turns from ghost into human form and gives Kat a smooch? Yes please. Who would’ve thought that a cartoon ghost could be such a cutie IRL. Ghost Casper lays the groundwork to be Kat’s BFF and then human Casper snakes right in and slow dances with her to seal the deal. Good teamwork. Also related but unrelated: the actor who plays Casper, Devon Sawa could’ve easily made this list as three separate characters, guy CRUSHED it as the love interest in 90’s movies.

5. Dean Portman (D2: Mighty Ducks)

deanportman

Dean Portman was ½ of the Bash Bros and one whole hunky piece of meat. As an avid bandanna wearer who knew that sleeves weren’t in his best interest, Dean loved to rock a little pre-game air guitar and then lay out anyone who got near him on the ice. He fulfilled my bad boy fantasy as a young’n, but he also had a soft spot for a little bromance with Fulton Reed. These two were an aggressive dynamic duo who could get down with slumber parties. (Also we can all agree that D2 is 1000 times better than the original Mighty Ducks right?) Bonus points: Dean had the body of a pro hockey player even though he was supposed to be like 15.

bashbros deanshirtless

4. Jesse (Free Willy 1-3)

jessewilly2

Although Jesse was a little brat at first because he was homeless and sad about his mom hating him, he shaped up real quick and became the apple of my eye. Mostly because he became BFF’s with a killer whale. Oh hey, have you guys met my boyfriend? He’s over there riding Willy through the Pacific, NBD. Jesse could rip the harmonica, was passionate about his best bud and saved him from captivity but still hung out with him on the reg. If you’re wondering if I’d use Jesse to get to Willy, the answer is a hard yes.

jesse

3. Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)

henryrowengartner

Henry broke his arm one summer and when the cast came off he was the best pitcher for the Chicago Cubs. Supes realistic. Whatever, Henry was funny, cute and could totes get me season tix for all you can eat Wrigley Field wieners. And his mom was his BFF which was pretty adorbsies, plus he never forgot who his real friends were. #Loyalty, #MillionDollarPaycheck, #MagicalBones

Henry-Rowengartner

2. Rocky (3 Ninjas)

Rocky

Although any of the three boys could’ve made this list, Rocky was the oldest and therefore the most appropriate to have a crush on. Rocky rides a mean bike, dunked in a kid’s face at school and oh wait…is a NINJA. The only thing holding him back? His girlfriend, Emily. WOOOF. You can do better than that, Rocky. Every time I watched that movie I wish Rocky was whispering sweet nothings from a can into my bedroom, not hard puffy bangz Emily. Anyway, Rocky protected Emily when she got kidnapped in her embarrassing pink nightgown which obviously means he’s a phenomenal boyf. Plus he knew how to wear the shit out of a backwards hat, hair poking through.

rockylovesemily emily rocky

1. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (The Sandlot)

bennythejet

It should be no surprise to any Sandlot fans how Benny The Jet topped this list. Benny was without a doubt the coolest, most heart-fluttering character of my formative years. He was sick nasty at baseball (and not just because he broke his arm), he was generous to people who sucked (I’m lookin at you, Smalls) and he pickled The Beast. Benny was also a giver to his obviously less hot friends. He totes could’ve gotten Wendy Peffercorn but he let Squints go for the chase while he kicked back and had dreams about Babe Ruth giving him life advice. Benny lacing up a fresh pair of Chucks and hopping that fence still does things to my thirteen-year-old heart. Is this getting pervy? Probably. Whatevs, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez foreva…cause heroes get remembered but legendary characters I wished were my boyfriend never die.

bennythrow bennyatbat

And just for kicks, here’s what everyone looks like present-day. As like, legal adults.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Standard