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Weekly JUice

Week of 8/15/16

1. What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Lie about being robbed at the Olympics, apparently. It’s a real shame his reality show got cancelled because ratings would have soared through the roof for this shit.

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Ryan Lochte, the bro who showed up with frosted hair, wore grillz at his gold medal ceremony and trademarked the catchphrase “Jeah”, claims he was robbed at gunpoint and when the robber told him to get on the ground he turned into Duane, otherwise known as Kimmy Gibbler’s hamlet and cheese.

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Then he skipped on outta Rio with his lady friend. Not so fast, RyRy because it seems like you messed with the wrong corrupt country. Rio smelled a rat and yanked Lochte’s swimming  buddies off their plane to question them. Can you imagine having to be a sidekick to Ryan Lochte and then ON TOP OF THAT, getting held back in a country that had dead bodies washing up on the shores just because you had a few too many beers and decided to go along with your drunk friend’s dumb story?! The real events have finally surfaced today and it entails drunk bros vandalizing a gas station bathroom. So it turns out Lochte was just getting in front of the story. What looks really bad? Headlines about American Olympians (some might say heroes) going on a boozy tirade at a gas station. What looks really good? Them getting robbed at gunpoint and surviving. Round of applause for that spin zone, Ryan. You really sold it AKA you created a conflict between Rio and the US, made your buddies pay to leave the country and now look like an even bigger doofus than you did before.

grillz PS If you & your boys wear Yeezy’s out on the town in Rio and brag about it on social media, you 100% deserve to be robbed at gunpoint forrealz.
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Double PS, my very last final in college (shout-out to Olympics class) was the question “What is Ryan Lochte’s catchphrase?” So not to brag but I have a college degree AND I once bubbled in “C: Jeah” for an actual grade. This seemed like a fitting time to toss that story into the mix, because it’s embarrassing, but not quite as humiliating as making up a crime and creating an international incident over it.

2. Whatever, Simone Biles.

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😘🌹

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I mean the minute this bid started yapping about how much she LOVED Zac Efron and had a fullsize cutout of him (creep, much?) I was like yeah some talk show is going to cash in on having them meet. I didn’t think they would fly Zac out to the actual Olympics, but whatever. Hey Simone, you just won a bajillion gold medals…LEAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US. Ugh, whatever. Not bitter or anything. But like seriously? The video is pushing it. We get it. You guys kissed a lot for Instagram. Call me when he sticks his tongue down your throat.

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on cloud 9 💙☁️ @zacefron

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3. Biebz is off the grid. I’ve been saying it ever since Biebs went in on fans taking his picture and strolled barefoot around the Boston Common…pop your popcorn because he’s on the fast track to a Britney/Lohan/Amanda Bynes worthy meltdown. It always starts with the fame-hating and spirals from there. Some take it to head-shaving levels, others tweet about Drake murdering their vag. To each his own. It seems as though we’ve got a classic case of everyone stop judging my life and I for one can’t wait to see where this goes.

To catch up anyone who doesn’t follow tween drama–Biebs has been whoring out Lionel Ritchie’s daughter, Sophie (who is basically Kylie Jenner 2.0) and he’s getting pretty sad panda that no one wants to see his latest bae vomited all over InstaG. So he threatened to delete and that’s when Selena hopped in to be like hey guess what no one wants to see your bang buddies, stop being so dramats, your fans love you. Obviously there was some bickering via Instagram comments. Justin replied with, you used me for fame (no disrespect) and there were some cheating allegations tossed back and forth. Realistically this part was like watching your trashy high school friends air their dirty laundry on a facebook status and everyone weighing in on it. It was entertaining for like 3 minutes then we all decided to go out and live our lives. Then Biebs deleted his Insta and Selena’s all:

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(Cue the Selena H8) WHOA. THE THREATS WERE REAL. BIEBS IS OUT. No more pics of his hoes in different area codes for us! WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT THEM?! Rejoice in the fact that we’re one step closer to a Bieber Meltdown, THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO.

4. Can Ryan Cabrera replace Biebs?

As one of the OG boytoys with spiky hair, I’d much prefer to have Ryan back on the scene and Biebs off. This song sounds kinda like something JB would drop, except I actually like Ryan, so I will listen to this on repeat for the rest of the month and hope that once he gets off his My2K tour, he’s back in our lives for good. Bonus points: this island beat makes me believe summer will last forever. HORNZ ON HORNZ. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO FULL SONG.

5. The ChadBear will do more than shit his pants on TV. 

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I guess Chad didn’t want his lasting legacy to be taking a dump directly in his shorts on Bachelor in Paradise, so somehow he’s secured a cameo on the upcoming ABC Family sensational hit: Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After. Does it make any sense? Of course not, and there you have the reasoning behind every paid appearance from a Bachelor(ette) alum, ever. Probably one of the smartest PR moves to be made though. That show was a shoe-in to be a dud and now that people hear Chad’s name associated with it, it will be appointment television. I’m already locked in to see what will go down. Call me a sucker for Chad, I don’t care, I’m all in–especially considering the only time Ben and Chad have ever been brought up in the same sentence was this:

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/20/16

1. She got an LA face with dat Oakland Booty. That movie where Blake Lively gets attacked by a shark has finally premiered, which means Blake is back in the spotlight showing off her bangin wardrobe/bod/life and making me drool uncontrollably. Enjoy her top looks from this week while I scheme ways to recreate all of them. PS she addressed her “controversial” insta caption of a rap lyric and was like all hail curves, na’sayin? Thank you Blake, for being a voice for all of those Oakland booties all over the world (me.)

 

2. Solo Styles. I mean I guess this isn’t really news but Harry has signed a recording contract and will be the next to go SoLo. Hopefully he takes some notes from Zayn’s  sexual lyrics and amps it up a trillion billion. Although I’m not sure when he’ll find the time to lay down some tracks…maybe in between starring in Christopher Nolan films?

YAAASSS WWII HARRY. GIVE IT TO ME. Too much? Too little? Just enough?

3. Boring People Rewarded with Reality Show.

Exsqueeze me? The most vanilla and boring couple of the Bachelor franchise is snagging a reality show…on ABC FAMILY?! I’m not going to lie to you when I say that I was irrationally heated about this when I heard the news. These two had a shelf life that was about to expire in the fall and instead they parlayed it into a year long contract with a network for tweens. So whateva, go ahead and cash in on your five minutes before you eventually break up but know that everyone in the world wished it was Shawn and Kaitlyn who got a reality show because they’re actually hilarious entertainers who should be paid just for their snap stories alone. Here’s a quick tip for the “future” Mr & Mrs Higgi, from a true TV addict, couples who move in together and instantly let cameras follow them around TEND NOT TO LAST. Also, Ben told JoJo he loved her too. PEOPLE DON’T FORGET.

4. PSA: Don’t mix xanies with cocktails mid-air.

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This is salacious gossip, which I don’t typically include on the JUice especially if it has to do with the well-being of someone but since Selma already apologized and it was just a quick mixup, I decided to use it as a PSA for anyone who is a nervous flyer like myself. Know how your Xanax cocktail will make you react before you drop it down your throat mid-flight. Cause everything could go swell and you take a 2 hour nap, or you could end up like Selma here, shouting about getting your vagina burned off and exiting the plane on a stretcher. Jus sayin. The more you know. Also don’t try to email your doc for a quick scrip of anxiety meds just for one vacation because it doesn’t work. My sister already tried. (The same sister who went to her Pediatrician until they promptly kicked her out at age 22.) Tough stuff, lesson learned. Click here for Selma’s apology.

5. I Wanna Be That Song, Brett.

Brett’s newest music video where he’s a sexy retro baseball player is all of the swoons. ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND.

 

BONUS: PLEASE tell me Missy will come back with more than a feature in a Ghostbusters theme song by FallOut Boy. Seriously. I need the misdemeanor back in my life pronto.

 

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-Jamaican Me Love You

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In the MOST DRAMATIC three hours this quarter, Chris Harrison butts in at the end of commercial breaks to say something like “watch what happens next” and to remind us ad nauseum that Ben LOVES two girls. Seriously Chris, what a demotion to go from announcing the last rose to instructing people to watch the show we’re already watching. What an embarrassing life you lead. JK there’s nothing embarrassing about how rich Chris is. We’re also introduced at the top of the three-hour block to Ben’s pastor—who is on call because he’s not really that busy. He flew out to LA to pretend to read a bible on camera and basically have no expression whatsoever. Get this guy an agent, STAT! Anyway, TAKE US TO JAMAICA, CHRIS.

In Jamaica, at the Sandals resort, Lauren continues her vendetta against her vagina as she suffocates it in another pair of jean undies. Let it breathe, girl! She takes my advice when she goes to meet Ben’s parents, thank gawd. That would NOT have been comfy to keep digging your denim out of your lady bits while convincing the boyfriend’s parents that you make mature decisions. Lauren earns strike 1 when she greets Ben by calling him cutie. Like what one calls a small child. Yuck. Strike 2 is when she reminds us of her suuuper awkward first date with Ben where she said she wanted to meet his parents. She tells the Mr. and Mrs. that she’s been waiting a LONG time for this moment. (2-3 weeks) Mama and Papa Higgins eat this shit right up though because cut to Mama Higgs holding hands with Lauren. (Remembs when leftover twin met the parents, LoL) Lauren tells Ben that marriage is a big commitment for her—and I’m guessing not just a gimmick for ratings on a poorly produced after-show. ZING, Pastor Denny. They both agree that they’ve never really faced real-life problems, so they can’t wait to get married tomorrow. Recipe for a Neil Lane ring return if ya know what I mean.

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JoJo meets the parents Higgins next and they don’t really think anyone could compete with perfect Lauren. Case in point, Ben tells them in detail about times he’ll never forget, like when they boned “cuddled for a while”. JoJo is like hey Ben; let’s not tell your parents about our sexy times, I’m trying to get them to like me. Seriously, Ben what don’t you tell your parents? JoJo tears up with Mr. Higgins talking about how much she loves Ben. Then when she tells Mama Higgs Ben loves her, the resulting reaction all but blows Ben’s cover. Mama ain’t so stealth. She also holds JoJo’s hand… but not as much as Lauren’s.

Ben breaks it down with his parents after and they basically tell him Godspeed. Props to Mr. Higgins for using every variation of girl an old man could use. “Young lady” and “gal” amongst others.

On the final day of dates, Ben has the same conversation with two girls and ABC tries to trick us into thinking they have enough original content to fill up two hours of programming. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Ben and Lauren lay on boat hammocks then move to the beach that they are docked 1 foot from to whine more about their first world problems. Ben is afraid that their relationship is TOO perfect. Ugh, h8 when that happens. Later at “dinner”, Lauren wears a nice black evening gown and Ben wears a hoodie. Quick preview into the rest of your life, Lauren. You look great, she tells him, because she’s obligated to return the compliment he just gave her. They sigh a lot and cry because I don’t know if you’ve heard this or not but BEN LOVES TWO GIRLS AND HE’S SO CONFLICTED.

On JoJo’s last date, she gets a recycled waterfall scenery for her relationship turmoil and self-doubt with Ben. Since when does Jamaica drive on the opposite side of the road like the UK? Is this a new thing? Am I really dumb? Don’t answer that. Jamaica is also a place where strange men chase after your car just to say hello. Yeahhhhh…..righhhhttt. JoJo and Ben talk about how hilarious Ben’s parents are. Did I miss something? Were they like ha-ha funny, JoJo, or taking a bottle of wine to the dome funny? Jk that was your mom, the queen of diffusing uncomfy situations like a boss. Anyway, BoJo (wouldn’t it be fun if this was their couple name?) waterfall jumps again. Ben doesn’t land on top of JoJo in the water and therefore it’s boring. Later, JoJo is starting to catch on that Ben loves Lauren, I’m assuming after Mama Higgins basically slipped her a tape of Ben telling Lauren he loves her when they chatted earlier. Ben reassures JoJo that he loves her and nothing is wrong, even going so far as to sit on the bathroom floor with her in a luxury suite of a resort. THAT’S COMMITMENT. JoJo feels like a damn fool and Ben’s like I feel you, boo. Props for JoJo for calling him out. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BEN, YOU BIG LIAR WHO TELLS LIES. Ben is tormented when he leaves because he just feels soooooo lost.

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The morning of the proposal, Ben meets with Neil, can’t tell him who his future wife is but then 3 seconds later it just comes to him, or something. What doesn’t come to him is a sense of style when he picked out the diamond that will be splashed all over US Weekly covers. Yikes that ring is ugly, no offense Neil. You get paid either way. 90% of Twitter males and females agreed with me, so I’m not out of line by saying this ring kinda sucks.

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While Ben is choosing a goo-riffic ring that’s worth millions of dollars, the girls’ put on their ball gowns and brush their throats with makeup (wtf Lauren?) then get into the chopper. JoJo’s dress is a bad prom getup but at least her overly bronzed cleavage got a lot of camera play. What a boner jam treat for the male viewers.

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Obviously we all knew what was coming when JoJo arrives first, but no one quite predicted how badly Ben would botch this TV breakup. He stumbles and stutters but the one thing that comes out crystal clear is, “I found love with you but I found it with somebody else more.” YIKES. There was definitely a better way to say that, bro. JoJo obviously cries and feels like a dum dum. Ben makes it worse by following her to the limo and sputtering “JoJo, I…JoJo…”

He gets over it real quick though because there were only 5 minutes left and he had to get to stepping to give that ring out. Covered in Jamaican heat sweat, (and possibly an ice pack wedged in his butt crack?), Ben calls Lauren’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage. What a sweaty gent. Lauren definitely shits herself on the copter ride over and hopefully they have a cleanup team on call because nothing ruins a romantic island proposal faster than a gown full of poop.

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They get engaged, Lauren pretends to like the ring and then repeats her infamous “you’re my person” line no less than 10 times and Ben says it back. Enough is enough with this quote. It originated on Grey’s Anatomy for two BFF’s. It does not apply to reality show contestants who have an over under 3-month bet on their relationship lasting.

At the after show, as you might have guessed, Ben and Lauren want to try going on a real life date before they agree to a live surprise wedding, so thanks for coming out Pastor Denny, I’m sure it was really tough for you to creep us all out with your stony face for 3 hours. Also JOJO IS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!!!! HEY, LET’S CUT TO THE PASTOR SO WE CAN SEE HIS REACTION! No, really. That’s a thing they did. Also Ben re-proposes because they didn’t actually get married right there and producers were scrambling to draw out the airtime. Quick, Chris try out your best standup material: “maybe JoJo will fall in love with THREE guys next season. HA-Ha-HA.” And we’re out. For a couple of months, at least.

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Thanks for reading, thanks for making fun of this dumb show with me and special shout out to KBell for taking home the W in my first ever Bachelor bracket. Not proud to admit that I picked Becca to win it all when it was an obvious Lauren sweep. (This definitely doesn’t keep me up at night or anything.) Kay, done being a sore loser. CONGRATS KATIE BELL! You’ve earned bragging rights until the premiere of The Bachelorette, when I come back for revenge. (Too much, too little, just enough?)

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