Pop Culture

My First Big Girl Job

This past week I went down a very, very dark rabbit hole of perusing the documents saved on my computer. Being the nerd that I was, I had every paper, presentation and video I’d ever created dating back to 2009 when I got my very first lappytop. It was all fun and games lawling over my powerpoint on the Kardashians from my joke semester in Italy until I found my pre-blog days. When I graduated college I would randomly regurgitate blog-type rants and save them to look back on when I’d made it as a screenwriter and was famous as hell. Well here I am, an events assistant, uproariously laughing out loud at the things I bitched about when I was 22 or 23 and I’ve decided that since I now actually have an avenue to share them on, why not toss one in every once in a while for a #tbt laugh. This week’s edition is my stream of consciousness from my first post-college job where apparently I spent more time watching Days of Our Lives and picking my bike shorts out of my buhhole than actually doing anything worthwhile. I aptly titled it “The Office.”

Starting out at a new office this summer and I’m the part-time, temporary receptionist. The title alone gives everyone in the office reason to ignore me. They only see me half the day, if they happen to come to the front desk, and the job goes for three months. So I guess it makes sense that literally no one talks to me except for the one guy that realized I also am addicted to Days of Our Lives and we talk shop. By shop I obviously mean we talk about whose having sex and whose been arrested in Salem. Unfortunately like an asshole I couldn’t remember what happened in an episode the other day and he hasn’t talked to me since. I lost my only friend because I was distracted at work and couldn’t watch TV. Yep, the job is going well. Anyway, my point of this rant is that I was in the bathroom the other day thinking of how I’ve completely proven that I’m a weirdo, making it much more difficult for people to want to talk to me once they get past the fact that I’ll be gone in two weeks.

Anyway, have you ever gone into a public bathroom or a bathroom at work and considered that they might have security cameras in the bathroom (not the stalls you perv) to prevent theft or like group sex? Well as I was in there I did my normal questioning of if there’s cameras and then decided that I reallllyyyyyyyy hope there’s not. Reasons why I hope there are no security cameras in my office bathroom:

  1. I didn’t learn how to use the automatic paper towel dispenser for three weeks.

Okay so this is not even a little bit a joke, although I really wish it were. About halfway down the paper towel dispenser there is a hand waving above a red light, which I assumed to be a sensor. So for three whole weeks I jived my hand around that and almost cried every time no paper towels came out. Usually there was a backup roll that I could end up using after my frustrating dance. One time there wasn’t, and I returned to the desk with sopping hands, which was real uncomfy. One day, on accident my hand went under the dispenser as I was walking to the sink and magically a foot of paper towels shot out. It was that exact moment in life that I questioned how I graduated college.

  1. I often go into the bathroom to pull up my skirt or dress and pull my bike short spandex that I’m wearing underneath out of my butthole. I have never once gone into a stall to do this.

As a 22 year old chick I own about 4 dresses that are long enough to be considered business casj, so naturally I think it’s AOK to wear my short dresses with bike short spandex underneath, thinking that when the inevitable bend over occurs, at least someone will be getting a glimpse of spandex instead of my asshole. The only problem being that these shorts often like to hang out in my asshole, especially after four hours of sitting, so adjustments are absolutely necessary.

So that’s why I’m hoping there are no cams in the bathroom, or like a bathroom peeping tom (ew.) I did discover about a month into the job that two security cameras cover the front desk where I sit. So it’s a mere miracle that I haven’t been fired from my activity up there. Again I questioned my intelligence if I couldn’t figure out that a news station in the seediest area of Albany would have security cameras all around the reception area. Once I did and realized how many dumb things I did regularly, I started staring directly into the cameras after I did something dumb. So that definitely doesn’t draw attention to me… Anyway, things that the front desk security cameras have caught me doing:

  1. Taking stupid snapchat selfies.
  2. Re-taking snapchat selfies several times when I inevitably have a double chin.
  3. Picking my wedgie. (We went over this…)
  4. Throwing my phone and pretending I’m not using it every time I hear someone coming.
  5. Going to great lengths to hide the cover of whatever inappropriate book I’m reading when I have to answer the phone or someone comes in unexpectedly.
  6. Putting the phones on night mode when I go to the bathroom and then forgetting to switch it back after I sit down again, then sitting for an hour before realizing the phones are off.

Whoa, that escalated quickly into things I could potentially get fired from my part-time temporary receptionist position for. My bad guys….shit got real, real quick. Confessional OVER.

Pop Culture, Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2018

HEY! We’re back on that usual red carpet grind of multi-colored dresses just in time for the Oscars! Phew. I couldn’t do another red carpet of all black errething regardless of the statement being made. I think the welcoming of color made me a lot more generous with my best dressed tonight. Also props to the nuggets of Hollywood for swaggin out hardcore, forcing me to acknowledge a whole lotta children’s fashion.


24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

What fresh hell is this, Molly Sims? Are you an 80’s bridesmaid?

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

WOOF. What is happening here?

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

This really doesn’t look bad but I have a bone to pick with velvet from a personal standpoint. Saarryyyy.

24th Annual Screen Actors†Guild Awards - Arrivals

This is fun because it’s like little house on the prairie but with nipple sheer cutouts. Hmmm…

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Niecey with those tits out for the boys AND salsa sleeves. Lot happenin up top.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I don’t love these multi-directional stripes.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Alison Williams going for the flapper who hasn’t washed her hair in a week lewk.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I’ll say it once again for the people in the back, CUTOUTS MAKE YOU LOOK FAT, LADIES–EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE ACTUALLY VERY SKINNY.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

I watched an episode of Say Yes to the Dress yesterday that had a particularly over the top crystal wedding gown and this bedazzle on top of her dress is giving me traumatic flashbacks.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

This resembles a curtain too much to me.

24th Annual Screen Actors†Guild Awards - Arrivals

Even though this dress is pink and sparkly, that damn tassel ribbon in the middle is giving off some hardcore altar boy uniform vibes.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 21 Jan 2018

I just don’t understand what these lady fingers dazzling across her torso and bosom are supposed to be.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I’m going against my girl Connie because I’ve seen her look a zillion times better. This isn’t the right dress for her.


24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

This is a pretty daring V but because Laura’s boobs aren’t poking me in the eyeball, it works nicely.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Don’t get to see a lot of hunter green in the mix and I ‘preash it.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals


24th Annual Screen Actors†Guild Awards - Arrivals

You KNOW I’m being generous when I’m tossing Nicole on the best dressed. But seriously girl looks good AND she has the flu. So like no excuses for any other red carpet appearance she’s had.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 21 Jan 2018

I looooove this shade of blue on Manders.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 21 Jan 2018

Dunno who this is but I want to tuck myself into this skirt and take a nice snoozer.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Leslie Bibb looks like a babe soda also she’s significantly taller than Sam and snaps for her because I have a real complex with towering over my man.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

If I were ever allowed near a red carpet you bet your ass I’d wear chucks with my dress.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Liking this dress caught me off guard because it’s the actual same color as her skin. And yet she still looks beautiful and not like she’s wearing a skinsuit.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Could probably do without the fur lap band but still pretty.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

I wish her hair was down but otherwise the dress looks good. No parrot this time!

24th Annual Screen Actors†Guild Awards - Arrivals


24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Always love a good crisp white dress.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

What a stud with the loafer-hunter green combo deal.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Ya boy Miguel from This is Us from left field!

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Of course Sterling is rocking stunna shades.

24th Annual SAG Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 21 Jan 2018

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Mini Kev and Mini Randall from This is Us both poppin in prints!

Music, Pop Culture

End Game: A Night Out with Taylor Swift


At this point you shouldn’t even be shocked by a blog dedicated to each and every Taylor Swift music video, it should be expected. After all, if she’s going to release every one like it’s a feature film then I’m going to pop popcorn and watch it on repeat like my favorite movie. This latest release represents her foray into the rap game and leading up to the drop I was salivating in anticipation of seeing Taylor as a rap video ho. Let me tell you, it was everything and more. What I didn’t expect is for ya girl to show us how she can PARTAY. Previously assumed to be the lame friend who comes out for one drink then spends the rest of the night at home baking and doing puzzles surrounded by her cats, this is a real shake up for the Tay image and a moment that I didn’t know I had been waiting for all my life. When I asked my friend and fellow Swiftie Lindsey what my angle should be for breaking down this video she replied “A night out with Taylor Swift and why we should be best friends.” In the name of laziness and letting my friends feed me ideas for my blogs…LET’S DO THIS. Breaking down the stages of partying with Taylor and why each one is awesome.

5. Dancing on a yacht. This is CLASSIC rap video staple and also just a general celebrity FU to the world. What do rich people do when they want to party in any warm region of the world? They take to the sea on a lavish yacht and that’s the most obvious. Taylor doesn’t just set sail though, she also assembles a girl crew for a quick coordinated dance on top deck while fireworks pop in the distance. Gawd, she’s cool. Permission to climb aboard, Tay?


PS while we’re discussing the Miami portion of the video, might I point out that her glitter hoodie dress is probably my favorite outfit in this and I would like one for myself stat, as well as a cool hallway in an abandoned home to strut around in while wearing it.


4. DDR. Tokyo brings out a nerd side of Taylor as she tries on Ed’s glasses and makes goofy faces then has a casual DDR competition and grabs a juicebox because I guess that’s how they party in the Tokster. The best part about this is that Taylor rips a shot with Ed and it’s GAME ON after that. You always know when your evening is going to go from casual to the real deal when someone orders a shot and T tosses it back like a CHAMP. This ain’t her first rodeo. (Or it’s water. I’m choosing to believe she can hang.)


3. House Party. Over the pond we get to see what a house party should look like if you live in a penthouse that has skyline views and once again, there are fireworks. Do we think Taylor just travels with a firework guy? Like calls her manager that morning, “OK, I’m going to be in Barcelona tonight, can Jake be there with some bottle rockets, air bombs, black snakes and uhh why doesn’t he toss in a few roman candles. Make sure he starts the show at 10 when we start taking shots. KTHNXBYEEEE.” That’s how I imagine her life goes. Anyway, house party Taylor includes a million friends, a girl with a pink camera to document all the fun they’re having, oh and her own personal rap show in front of the fireplace. I mean if you’re going to have everyone over for a night of debauchery there should also be some form of entertainment. Her in a sparkly crop top rapping like a badd bitch seems like the best kind. That wink at the end? Oh Lord. Gave me shivers.


2. Bar Hoppin. Now we’re getting to the stages of partying that us commoners can appreciate and participate in at the same level. Taylor takes the whole crew out to the bar in London and then proceeds to play snake on her phone while a friend pours her drink into her mouth. If you don’t think I’m going to start doing that at the bar you’re an IDIOT. Fair warning to my friends, if my hands are busy, your duty is to get that alcohol into my mouth regardless. If we’re not allowed to go out on the town with Taylor, then I think it’s reasonable to channel her while out. I’ll have to phone pub and ask if it’s cool of me to lounge atop the bar before attempting. Mostly because the last time I climbed up on a barstool and heavy leaned over the bar to get a drink I almost got kicked out, which seems irrational but whatever. I’ll just pull up this video as reference moving forward.


I also respect the hell out of Taylor ending the night with drunk nomz. Granted, she’s eating a kebab in a blue fur coat and I’m usually siphoning a slice of ‘za on my walk home, but still good to know that she understands the importance of an end of the night drunk snack.


1. Closet Drinking. This is something that we can all accomplish and should at some point in our lives. Again, not all of us have a walk-in closet to do so, but literally just getting drunk with your bestie in sweats and just living in that drunk-at-home space is really where the magic happens. You don’t have to worry about how you’re getting home or where you’re sleeping or crowds or people being annoying because you’re in your own home and can do whatever the hell you want. You wanna sip drinks in a fleece robe in your closet? Do it up, girl. AIN’T NOBODY STOPPIN YA.


Since Taylor is probably busy this weekend going out with her squad (are they taking applications yet?) you’ll just have to channel your inner party T and do her proud. Slap on some sparkles or even a top hat, and dance it out with a drink in your hand. You really wanna get crazy? Set off some fireworks. Legally, of course. Not trying to get sued here or have you set yourself on fire. On second though, maybe just stick to the going out part and don’t F with fire hazards.




Pop Culture, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2017 Edition

Here we are. The third edition of my cheesy holiday movies blog where I sacrifice my time to watch ALL of the made for TV classics. Since last year’s installment was never published due to running out of time/maybe a little bit of holiday laziness, I’ve combined movies past and present. It doesn’t really matter anyway, Hallmark, Lifetime, Ion and UP basically play a 24/7 rotation of original movies dating back to 2007 all December long so you really can’t go wrong. Feel free to scroll through my recommendations and laugh at the terrible acting and unrealistic relationship storylines to prepare for the most joyous holiday of the year. Because if Hallmark has taught me anything, it’s that Christmas is the time to reflect on your life and also to marry someone you’ve been on two dates with.


Christmas Cookies, Hallmark

christmas cookies

“Christmas is what you make it, or bake it!”

Hannah works for a big company, travels to a town called Cookie Jar. No, seriously. Cookie Jar…and has to learn about the cookie factory their town with a dumbass name was built upon because her boss is going to franchise it or something. There’s a kid in it, which is always a hard no for me but besides her screech worthy singing at the tree lighting, she’s not terrible. Also a key side character: a meddling troutsniffer named Betty who immediately tries to marry Hannah off and make her a permanent resident of Cookie Jar, as old people in Hallmark movies tend to do.

Bonus Points: Hannah’s square of a boyfriend introducing himself as her “significant other” and then proposing. Also the lead (and real love interest) is a babe soda.

A December Bride, Hallmark


It’s pretty much scientific fact that any Hally with Bride or Wedding in the title is going to be an automatic homerun. (Snow Bride & A Bride for Christmas are both HOF’ers.) There’s just something about marrying the guy you just met at Christmas that resonates with America. This one is obviously no different. Layla’s ex-boyfriend marries her cousin on Christmas EVEN THOUGH THEY BOTH KNEW THAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED A CHRISTMAS WEDDING. What a couple of turds. Layla reacts perfectly by wearing a skanktastic dress to their wedding and pretending to be engaged to her ex’s best friend. After debuting their fresh relationship at the wedding, it may strike you as unrealistic that 30 seconds later when they say they’re actually engaged, all their family and friends are like yes ok this makes sense–congrats!!! She decorates his house to get ahead in her career and he’s like I always loved you anyway so let’s get married for real.

Bonus Points: turning Seth’s (Daniel Lissing) attempts at doing an American accent into a drinking game. Watching the moment when Layla gets hired by a big wig and hugs him in a backless dress. As my sister so nicely put it “I could hear the skin to skin contact from my couch.”

Christmas in Homestead, Hallmark


Full discloszh there’s a kid in this one but also there’s a two for one love story combo deal. Choose your battles. Jessica is a movie star filming a movie in, wait for it, a small town called Homestead. Matt is the mayor and thinks Jessica is a real twat of a celebrity until he gets to know her and they do Christmas things together with his daughter. Matt’s sister falls in love with a paparazzi who then publishes a scandalous pic of Matt and Jessica not even kissing and he basically ruins everything. Except not really because Jessica suddenly becomes a better actress, changes the ending of her movie and decides to stop being such a princess. SMALL TOWN LIFE AT CHRISTMAS CURED HER!!!! IT’S A MIRACLE. Unfortunately, paparazzi love didn’t work out the same way. Boohoo.

A Dream of Christmas, Hallmark

a dream of christmas

I didn’t see a whole lot of movies where Santa grants a wish, so this one will have to fill our quota for this year. Penny has a hot husband and a kickass job and for some ridiculous reason wishes that she didn’t? I don’t know. I’m not exactly clear on why she would ever utter the words I don’t want to be married when she is married to this:


But regardless, she wakes up single as a bird and an executive in her company. Lo and behold she discovers that not having Stu in her life sucks the big one and she wants to do a little reverse, reverse on her Christmas wish.

Bonus Points: Andrew Walker. Seriously, this guy is Hallmark gold. What a piece of eye candy.

My Christmas Love, Hallmark

my christmas love

This movie was almost unbearable due to the lead actresses’ high pitched and overly excited voice. I say almost because she had a SLEW of hot ex boyfriends that all pop up multiple times and it kept me hooked. Cynthia’s cross to bear is that she thinks every guy she dates should want to marry her and do big romantic gestures always. So when someone orders the 12 days of Christmas in gift form to be delivered to her house, she assumes it’s for her which is selfish AF and starts chasing down exes to find out who she needs to marry. Turns out her hot coworker who came home with her for the holidays doesn’t love Cin being such a thirsty bitch because he’s in love with her of course. She embarrasses herself a lot, but no more than when she wears a plaid mini skirt and knee high boots to a date with her high school sweetheart. Clean it up, Cynthia.

Bonus Points: a final choreographed dance number and Cynthia feeling like a REAL self-centered B when it’s revealed who ordered the gifts.

The Christmas Cottage, Hallmark

christmas cottage

This is your VERY basic, cookie-cutter Hally. The old flame, the douchey work-focused boyfriend, hokey Christmas magic, and two attractive leads. I mean, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, amirite? I’ll be the first to admit that I’m putting this on the watch list mostly because of the female lead, who I’ve had a hardcore girl boner for ever since she was on season 1 of The Royals. I mean, seriously. Babe alert.

meritt patterson

Either way, here’s the deal…Ean (dumbest spelling of that name ever) and Lacey were childhood sweethearts who broke up because Ean wanted to travel the world and be a kewl chef and Lacey just wanted to design shit 24/7. They’re reunited for his sister’s wedding at the MAGICAL family Christmas cottage and wouldn’t you know, one snowflake falls to the ground so obviously it’s a state of emergency and the roads are closed, leaving them to talk it out and relive old Xmas memz during a forced sleepover at the cottage. Lacey’s boyfriend is wearing a suit every time she facetimes him so obviously we don’t feel bad when she inevitably dumps him for her old BF. Because whoever steps foot inside the Christmas Cottage, leaves with their forever love and that seems PRETTY OBVIOUS.

Bonus Points: Lacey’s BFF and Ean’s sister being the most overbearing, pushy chick on this earth and also sipping hot chocolate inside by the fire with a full winter coat on and a blanket.

Snowed Inn, Lifetime

snowed inn

“Have you ever been in love? Does Kelly Kapowski count?”

Much like the previous Christmas Cottage, this is a no frills holiday movie. Jenna and Kevin are both assigned to a writing job in Aspen but have a detour by way of a town called Santa Clause. Of course. Because who doesn’t get approached at the airport by a couple that looks like Santa and Mrs. Clause, asking if they want to stay at their Inn. They’re both competitive and terrified of love but they discover the magic of Christmas AND co write an article together. NOTHING LIKE SANTA’S MAGIC, YA FILTY ANIMALS. Of course it wouldn’t be a movie without a douchy boyfriend that can’t take a hint and Jenna’s ex trolloping into town and proposing to her after admitting he’s never read one of her articles was claaaaassic.

Bonus Points: Santa and Mrs. Clause rigging the whole thing. Those rascals. Also one year later we get a callback to the inn, proposal by way of article and BAM, wedding. All in the span of 5 minutes. Gotta love it. My only bone to pick is that Bethany Joy Lenz promoted this movie tirelessly on her instagram as a funny movie and I didn’t crack a smile once.

Switched for Christmas, Hallmark


WHAT a fresh premise for Hallmark…TWINZ at Christmas!!! Not since The Parent Trap have I seen an actress play double so flawlessly, and obviously the honor could go to none other than Hallmark Queen CCB. Chris and Kate are identical twins and they decide to pull the ole switcharoo at Christmas. Obviously they each fall in love with someone while pretending to be the other, which makes for some ZANY hijinx…in particular a scene at the Christmas carnival where they just confusingly say each other’s names for 10 minutes trying to guess who each person was. Chris? Kate. Greg?

Bonus Points: When Chris (or maybe Kate?) is legitimately shocked that her dad knows who she is. She’s like DAD HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?! Hey dummy, this guy created you, I think he can tell his own daughters apart with one glance.


The Mistletoe Promise, Hallmark

mistletoe promise

This movie right here almost ended a very healthy and loving relationship with my sister. We have a system every year where she buzzes through her DVR’ed Hally’s much faster than I do and therefore gives me a thumbs up or thumbs down for what ones to watch. When I questioned her about this one she gave me the thumbs up and I’ve never been angrier. It was SO bad that I fell asleep during the middle of it, still committed to finishing it and when my dad caught a few minutes he had to physically leave the room. This is the same dad that tolerates Teen Mom OG with me, so now you have a barometer of how terrible this movie was. Obviously Elise and Nicholas decide to fake date for the holidays BUT they’ve both had traumatic Christmases past and are scarred for life, which leads to an uncomfortable amount of emotional moments for two people who barely know each other. The cheesy moments far outweigh anything salvageable about this movie. Elise has a teary breakdown at one point where she suddenly develops a British accent. They awkwardly sing carols at each other in lieu of flirting. The list of worsts goes on and on.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: When Nick is at his corporate holiday party and decides to confess the relationship is a sham so he then begins his life story with “It was autumn…” This was the exact moment I almost took a dull knife to my skull and my father stormed out of the room.

Snowmance, Ion


A girl wishes for love by Christmas (giving herself less than 15 days) and uses her dead mom’s scarf to magically bring a snowman to life and start dating him. No, but actually, this guy knocks on her door one day and his name is Cole…and he is a snowman come to life.

snowman boy

At one point he does something dumb AF and says “Gee, I must have a head full of snow.” GTFO of here, Ion. I mean I try to give Ion a chance because it gave me one of my holiday favorites, “A Christmas Kiss II” but like cut the shit with this premise. I finally had to change the channel because I couldn’t possibly watch a woman travel to Paris with a snowman and think they were going to get married. But as you might have predicted, she ends up with her ginger BFF whose been building snowmen with her every year and lusting the hardest. Also, because he is a real human.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: The fact that a guy is willing to get friend zoned for a solid 15 years and watch the love of his life date a snowman. AKA THE WHOLE MOVIE.

Christmas Next Door, Hallmark

christmas next door

“You don’t write romance novels…I’d rather LIVE ONE.”

Eric is an author of single guy books and his family tricks him into taking his niece and nephew for Christmas so he stops being such a grumpy, slicked hair dick. His neighbor April obviously loves Christmas and is all OMGEE let me show you the holiday spirit. It’s touch and go for a minute because Eric hates Christmas due to being robbed and having his proposal rejected on the merry day in the past. He gets over that real quick when he hears April practicing her violin and creams his jeans. Literally. This movie would be fine except that there were WAY too many things that drove me bananas and I will obviously point them all out now. I know production budgets are usually low but whatever substance they used as snow was constantly all over everyone’s boots and up to their eyeballs. As a Northeaster whose lived through many blizzards I CALL BULLSHIT. You don’t get snow stuck to your kneecaps just from caroling. Also the kids in this are annoying AF and can’t stay in character for shit. See if you two little rascals get hired for another Hally. DUBZ ALSO, they legitimately allowed this outfit to occur.

Screen Shot 2017-12-17 at 3.32.15 PM

I swear to God I thought he was naked for a solid ten minutes. WHO CHOSE THIS SWEATER COLOR?!

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: After all of that garbage, Eric gets a book deal and shouts BOOM SHAKALAKA with his agent as they high five. Goodnight.

Christmas in Mississippi, Lifetime


I’m gonna be honest, I kept calling this a Tennessee Christmas and only wanted to watch it for a little OTH nostalgia with Jana Kramer. I also tried twice and never made it through to the end. Not a whole lot of spark in this movie. But anyway, Holly comes home and helps out with the annual Christmas light show, which OBVIOUSLY her ex boyfriend Mike is running. She’s butthurt because he dumped her when he was supposed to follow her to college. They rekindle, as all old flames do in the spirit of Christmas and you know the rest.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: When she sees Mike hug a girl who is engaged and then tries to homewreck her wedding by telling said girl that her fiancee has been unfaithful without knowing who this bitch’s fiancee actually is. OOPSIE. LOL. As if there would ever be an interracial marriage in a deep south town called Gulfport anyway. Get your head out of your ass, Holly.

A Christmas Prince, Netflix


Everyone’s salivating over this movie because Netflix is now dipping their toe in the holiday move pool. And you know what? I don’t support it. Mostly because they’re throwing shade at their viewers. You can’t create a cheezebomb holiday movie to play into the stereotype and get ratings, then call women sad for watching it. SHAME ON YOU, NETFLIX. Props to Lifetime for clapping back. This is the true reason for the season.

Anyway, I’m not only bitter, I also just plain thought this movie sucked. I couldn’t get through it to be honest. As all royal holiday movies go, an American reporter is assigned a story on a prince in a made up country. She ends up getting in with the fam posing as the little sister’s tutor and then SEES THE REAL PRINCE and FALLS IN LOVE and can’t possibly write a bad story about him. They really tug at the heartstrings by tossing a disabled child in the storyline but like it’s still not enough to save this flick. Mostly because I don’t think the prince is attractive AT AWL.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: Amber goes for a solo horse ride in a countryside that she doesn’t know at all and obviously the horse freaks out and leaves her alone in the snow with a casual pack of wolves before Prince Richard saves her. Yeah, ok.

Four Christmases and a Wedding, Lifetime


This movie had all the potential in the world with some Grade A holiday movie actors but the storyline was fiery hot garbage. Chloe meets Evan before Christmas one year and is like omg he’s the one but then he goes to work overseas and for the next THREE CHRISTMASES, they are dating other people or just keep missing each other before they figure their shit out. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Fall in love in the duration of one Christmas or get the hell off of my screen.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: The “meet cute” of Chloe being a spazzeroni and falling on ice skates into Evan. That’s probably what doomed their relationship to 3 very stressful Christmases. Jus Sayin.


Editor’s Note: It goes without saying (but my dad questioned why this was missing) any holiday movie past, present, or future starring Alicia Witt will forever and always belong on the skip list because her acting is straight dumpster fire quality. If you choose to watch a movie with her as the lead, I do not trust you as a human. The End.

Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2017

Ah Halloween, the red carpet of holidays. Let’s judge this year’s crop of offensive, slutty, cute and over the top costumes from those who don’t need to Pinterest “DIY costumes from your closet” because they have hair, makeup and wardrobe at their disposal.

First thing’s first let’s get it out of the way up front so there’s no confusion. It’s not even a contest who won Halloween this year.


If you thought for a second that I wasn’t going to include myself in this list like the narcissistic ahole that I am, you’re an L-7-WEENIE. Wendy & Squints fooooooorrrreeeeeVVVerrrr. Seriously. No one ever do this costume again because you can’t compete with us.


My hate for the Kardashians is ever present but credit where credit is due, this costume killed.


We get it. You’re a model. You have abs.


Even men in Hollywood pull the bullshit I don’t really feel like dressing up so I’m going to wear what I usually wear and call it a costume. Not cool, Jon Hamm.


This probably isn’t the time to be doing this but can I voice my concern for Jonathan’s face these days? Does it still move?


Because why wouldn’t her bhole be out? All skeletons wear fishnets and an asshole-eating leotard.


I’m not sure what the end game was here but applaud the effort.


If you had told me this pic was from 2002 I would’ve believed it because I bet Paris has worn this exact costume before. Also JASMINE HAS DARK HAIR. PICK A BLONDE PRINCESS. IT’S NOT THAT HARD.


Can’t go wrong with the classics.


SELENASSSSSSSSS ❤ I’ve already declared my fangirling for Demi recently so obviously I support.


The fact that Jen Garner probably Amazon primed a bunch of pizza cat-wear makes her so relatable and more loveable than she already was. PS in case you couldn’t tell by my strongly hinted undertones: Ben Affleck is a foooooool.


Damn, gurl.


Ugh, these two are still together? Bryan WOULD be the most famous playboy known to man. Rachel should’ve been Beyonce and that SEEMS PRETTY OBVIOUS.


It’s almost alarming how much this guy already looks like Sid. Way to play into it.


GMA cast went full superhero. Playing it safe.


Sometimes I wish I was still unemployed so I could see an off her rocker KLG do a Miley impression.


This year’s installment of Matt Lauer really wishes he were a woman. (Also my mom hates Matt with the fire of a thousand suns and ALSO Dolly Parton so this year’s combo must’ve left her shook.)


Black Willie Nelson. I dig. Remember when Al pooped his pants at the White House? People don’t forget.


I’m like oddly into Michael Strahan with long locks.




I’m so jelly of all the celebs that can do awards show looks with the exact same wardrobe.


This is such a perfect pregnancy costume, no matter how old Juno is.


Lololol that Kristen’s kid made her dress up as Elsa. Sucks to suck, Anna.


NPH’s family never disappoints. The pageantry is unreal.

Queen of DIY Halloween costumes going evil this year. Wish I could’ve seen her little nugget as a Dalmatian.

HERE HE IS!!! Worth it.



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Slob kebab unicorn?

Georgie!! Georgie!! #HappyHalloweenFolks 🎈🎈

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Holy. Shit.

Is it over yet?

A post shared by Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) on

Sick costume, Lena.

This is awesome. The matching grey beards seal the deal.

Kimmy K’s third costume took a lot of heat. PS where the F is Kanye?

Other than Heidi Klum, here’s the most over the top Hollywood Halloweener and I’m terrified every single year.

#strangerthings have happened #happyhalloween

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Oh hey guys, Wells is dating Sarah Hyland. Also Sarah Hyland IS the little boy from Stranger Things.

TBH, Tay’s new material opened the door for a WHOLE LOT of costumes and this is the only one I’ve seen so far. I’m a little disappointed!

Ryan pulling a Matt.

Welp, you can’t unsee this.

Natch the Timberlakes nailed it. Where are they trick or treating though…the woods?

Willie & Waylon #Halloween2017

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Love that Jessica could basically go as herself in daisy dukes forever but she decides to dress up as an old crusty man.

What a shame to cover Chan’s face.

I thought about doing this costume but didn’t want to do intricate deer face makeup. Totes overlooked the opportunity for a onesie.

I ❤ that Jessie basically points out how much these costumes suck.

#halloweencostume #halloween Would you like a hair cut!

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Whoa that’s accurate.

These two look like literal wax figures. Also no baby bump….not for nothing but THIS WHOLE PREGNANCY THING SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT.


Speaking of fake pregnancies…I’m onto you Kris Jenner.


This is adorbsies. Kudos to JWoww. Never thought I’d say that.


Aww Tink & Peter. And Tinks’ fanny pack.


A firefighter….rrrrrighttt.


I hope this was just a premature camera shot because I don’t want to live in a world where Gigi’s boyfriend can’t even lift her. Come on, Spiderman Zayn.


Look at that goofy ass face on Tom Brady dressed as an avocado. Priceless.


People can BARELY tell you apart and you dress as the same costume on Halloween?!


Seriously? Could Heidi Klum’s costume reveal be more overrated every year? WE WAITED FOR A WEREWOLF?!

And cutest costume of the year goes to…

My little nugget oinker niece who crushed it without even being amused.


Movies, Pop Culture

Top Ten Dance Movie Montages

Since I pretty much air out all of my guilty pleasures on this blog, I don’t even know if I can call them guilty pleasures anymore. So this one’s for my fellow loud and proud CHEEZY dance movie lovers. If there’s a movie centered on the art of dance, you can pretty much bet I’ll be watching. It’s my year-round Hallmark holiday movie, so to speak. A love story mixed in with some bada$$ choreography. I like to pretend that I too, could’ve been a professional dancer but unfortunately my elementary ballet with Miss Louise, followed by 2 years of “Jazz” classes in middle school and ending in a Radio Disney dance team tryout where I couldn’t even remember the steps they taught us five minutes prior ended that dream real quick.


I learned to accept that my best moves will come out between the hours of 11 PM and 4 AM after approximately 100 bud lights. It’s a shame they never created a feature on my Jersey turnpikin’ skillz at the club in college. (There’s still time…) Either way, I’ve learned to truly appreciate a bangin final dance number or montage, the best of which I’ve outlined below.

10. Footloose

Footloose is rounding out the caboose because to be perfectly honest it was before my time and I’ve never actually seen it. It may dishearten a few to hear that I’ve only seen the remake with Julianne Hough and Kenny Wormald. HOWEVER, knowing the history of dance movies, it would be preposterous to leave off the movie centered on a town that BANNED DANCING from this list. So here’s a fun look at when a boy just needs to dance out his feelings, even though he could be arrested for it. #Rebel.

9. Honey

Hoodrat Jessica Alba is the only version I wish to know. From the gold nameplate necklace to the way that she says “we peoples”, I CANNOT LOOK AWAY. Girl gets exclusive beats from DJ Scratch for pete’s sake. And don’t even get me started on how she rocks that “just wear the sleeves” fashion with some baggy camo pants. Honey’s such a good choreographer that she turns someone falling into a dance move! In all seriousness, this movie is #9 because I expect no one who hasn’t seen it yet to ever watch it. It’s embarrassing at best and that’s saying a lot for a movie that features Jadakiss as a “top celebrity”. Bottom line is that you watch this to laugh at Jessica Alba acting street and being the most sought out choreographer in the rap industry. It’s the little things in life that bring me joy. This movie is one of them.

8. Save the Last Dance

Save the Last Dance is that tried and true, mix up a guy from the wrong side of the tracks with a straight laced nerd. I wish Julia Stiles wasn’t such a cream cheese white awkward bird in this movie because 90% if it is cringeworthy. Her wearing a Gap cami and french braids to the club was level 10 embarrassing. A ballet and hip hop mashup should always be appreciated though and that’s why her Juilliard try out made the list. Nothing will ever top your black boyfriend teaching you how to booty pop, grl.

7. High School Musical 3

Although the High School Movie franchise is not technically part of the dance genre, it still counts because Zac Efron’s got moves for daaaays. Real talk, I don’t think I’ve ever faced anything quite as difficult as just choosing one dance number from the 3 HSM movies. Do I go with a Troy Bolton emo solo where he’s contemplating basketball versus theater in the halls of his high school? Tempting for sure. Instead I settled for the duet between these two wildcats. Vanessa Hudgens’ legs look real bangable and it’s no wonder her boyfriend wants to spin her around the rooftop just to ask her to prom. Seriously did you see how effortlessly he swooped her into the air? Sigh.

6. Dirty Dancing

A classic that should never be revisited (I’m talking to you, ABC) and of course the famous lift that every girl wishes her boyfriend could flawlessly perform. Seriously, guys, it shouldn’t be that hard to toss us above your head and hold us there while you spin. May Patrick Swayze and those sassy hips rest in peace as his memory lives on forever through (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life. We owe it all to you.

5. Grease

If I’m gonna slobber all over nobody putting baby in a corner, you bet your ass that Sandy in her bad gurl leathers was making this list. She puts her hussy pants on and is suddenly ready to shimmy it up for her man. I’m only a little jelly of her legs in those pants. Ok fine I’m a lot jelly. (If you’re noticing a trend here with me drooling over every female leads legs, you’re not wrong.) Everyone whose anyone knows that the shake shack is the best part of this routine and it’s not even up for debate.

4. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

We’ve now arrived at one of the most underrated 80’s dance flicks of all time. SJP and Helen Hunt in their infant years when they were fresh on the Hollywood scene. If you haven’t seen this movie I suggest you watch it immediately if you want to be respected as a theatrical dance movie aficionado. SJP is a catholic school girl with a nazi dad and her counter part is OBV a bad boy but they become dance partners competing for a spot as COVETED Dance TV regulars. Although the tryouts and the final DTV competition are stellar in their own right, it would’ve been an injustice not to include this VERY 80’s dance/falling in love montage from the middle of the movie. My sister used to be so obsessed with this scene that she would rewind the ole VHS and replay it roughly 15 times before we could move on to the rest of the movie. Enjoy the classic beach silhouette lift and throwback Pepsi can mixed in with lots and lots of gymnastics.

3. Step Up 2 The Streets

It may surprise you that I don’t have the original Step Up and the spark of Channing and Jenna’s love on here. I like to toss in a curveball every once in a while to keep everyone on their toes. Here’s the second installment (every Step Up that follows this are white hot garbage) where having a dance crew and performing out on the streets is WAY cooler than getting into some lame arts school. They prove it too by dancing outside to trunk speakers IN THE RAIN. Whoa. The reason this dance is so high on the  list can pretty much be narrowed down to one baller move and that is OBVIOUSLY when what’s his face does the heart beat over what’s her face. I’m not proud of it but I spent far too much time one night in college trying to perfect that move with one of my roommates. Unfortunately rhythm is necessary for nailing that to a beat, but whatever. A for effort.

2. Magic Mike

This one’s for all my LAAADIEZZZZZ. (I mean, technically they all are, but we’ll pretend it’s just this one) Essentially the only takeaway from Magic Mike is the Pony dance and that’s pretty freaking obvious. I don’t really think I need to say anything else.

1. Center Stage

The queen bee of dance movies is Center Stage. They barely even hired actors for this, they just straight up trolled the American Ballet Company for dancers to play themselves. Never did I ever think a ballet performance could be interesting enough to contain a saucy sex scene but that’s just what Cooper, bad boy of ballet, does. This performance was 10 minutes long and I am continuously riveted for every single minute. Boys fighting over a girl, motorcycles onstage, all the way to her flawless red lip, dreadlocks finale. WHAT A WHIRLWIND. This dance number has everything I could have ever hoped and dreamed and that’s why it’s the GOAT. Even I was like hey, should I maybe become a ballerina by the end of it. Then I remembered how they basically chop their toes off to stand on wooden blocks for 90% of every day and I was out. PS do NOT try to make boys watch this movie. They will revolt and ruin every precious moment of this badass final dance. Tough stuff, lesson learned.

Pop Culture, Television

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2016

YAASS YAAASSS more, more, more beautiful young people strutting their T&A all over my TV. But seriously, last night marks the annual outpouring of girls on twitter crying that they don’t have VS angel bodies, while also snapping pics of the pizza box next to them. This year, instead of doing the same, I came full circle through my stages of grief and landed on acceptance. I accept that I will never have a model body and that I went out for beers and fried pickles last night instead of going to the gym AND I FEEL GR8 ABOUT IT. I also now really want a pair of over the knee suede boots. So thank you, Victoria’s Secret. We’ve come a long way. Also here are five things that made me laugh in the one hour that I watched half naked biddies strut.

1. DOG purses featured in a FASHION show with LINGERIE. 


Hey girrrrrls, you know what’s super sexy? Doing a cute little shimmy in your sheer teddy for your boyfriend then grabbing something out of your purse shaped like a dog. Why is Pink allowed in the same show that features girls letting us inspect their labia on the runway, essentially? It must end.

2. What replaces wings?



Still not as good as last year’s literal firecrackers strapped to a model’s back, but getting stuck with the wheel of fortune ISN’T GREAT. Also, an actual dragon.


3. Musicians + Models=Awkz.


I cringe at this year after year and they still never learn. The musicians try so hard to interact with the models and they quite literally can’t comprehend what to do. It then results in some awkward stand-offs and weird hand clasps. Lady Gaga takes the cake this year when she charged at the model with the giant black wings like a bull and weirdly froze and stared at another one. I expected nothing less from her.

4. Bruno Mars is a grain of rice on the runway.


Seriously, he’s wearing high heels and these models are still twice his size. I mean, I knew he was short but damn it was like a performance by the Borrowers. THAT FUR COAT ISN’T DISTRACTING US FROM YOU BEING THE ONLY GUY WHO CAN EASILY RUN UNDER AN ANGEL’S WINGS! 24K Magic still bangs though.


5. Eat your heart out, Weeknd.

Bella Hadid makes her debut, gets a killer outfit instead of the typical first year “no one wanted to wear this” number and then struts that ass on by her ex-boyfriend who basically crawls up her buhhole as she passes. Sidebar: She also ate a banana in slow-mo this week in a porny 80’s aerobic video for Love Advent, so she’s really living her best life. (I know that because it was a headline on People…and also I watched it.) Anyway, Bella-you do you, girl. Maybe with a little more personality though? Just a friendly suggestion from one professional model to another.



Bonus: This is what front row of a fashion show looks like.


Double Bonus: GIGI ❤


And last but not least, to all the ladiezZz who were boohooing into their ice cream last night. Take solace in the fact that Irina Shayk walked the runway preggers with Bradley Cooper’s baby, and still had a flatter stomach than I ever will. The end.