Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2018

This year marks the first time I realized I’m too old for Halloween and wanted nothing to do with all of the people touching me at the bar so it is a somber post indeed. For the years to come I will judge the celebrity costumes as I sit in my own costume, on the couch. RIP Halloweekend, Gone 2 Late. But if you’d like to see what it looks like to scrap together pieces for a costume, log some serious group craft time and have a boyfriend who looks like Tim Riggins, check out this year’s costume that went underappreciated by the bar skanks grinding to remixes of Don’t Stop Believin.

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I did get called out (mild spoiler alert) for cheating on Street and I’d like to clarify that we depict Season 3 Garrity and Riggins because we are moral people. Texas Forever. No Regrets. Let’s see how the celebrities with unlimited funds and a glam squad fared this year.

ariel-winter

This is probably the least slutty costume Ariel Winter has ever worn. Kudos to her. Especially because dressing up as Pam means you don’t have HIV.

Casamigos Halloween Party

All Brandon did was put a white robe on and he nailed it.

christian-siriano

No idea what this is but it’s pretty baller.

crawford

This made me so happy to see a family costume with teenagers. I wouldn’t have been caught dead dressing up with my parents for Halloween in high school. Props to this model fam. No but literally, they are all models.

diddy

By the looks of that sExUaL lip bite, Diddy is downright FEELIN HIMSELF as a pilot.

erika-jayne

If I ever wanted to spend money on a latex bodysuit, I would absolutely do this costume. No shame in the showing off your figure game. TASTEFULLY of course.

gabrielle union

Gabrielle Union does a classic celeb costume every year and she’s obviously good at it.

george-clooney

Cindy’s rocker costume was way better but Clooney as a pilot. Woo buddy. Step aside, Diddy.

harrystyles

No clue what this is but it made me laugh out loud. Oh, Harry.

jerry-seinfeld

Can never go wrong with a fairytale costume.

jessica-alba

This looks like my crafting level right here. Jagged dress cut probably from a bedsheet.

joejonas

Joe dressed as his fiance’s character on Game of Thrones. Interesting. Keeping the facial hair really spiced that up.

kjenner

WE GET IT KENDALL. YOU’RE HOT. DRESS AS A ZOMBIE NEXT YEAR AND I’D HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR YOU.

lauren-conrad

I stan hard on LC and her annual halloween costumes but this blows. You can’t drown yourself in tulle and call yourself a moth. Get outta here.

lily-depp-rose

YEP.

lisa-rinna

This is funny because I used to watch Housewives and Rinna is a psycho and everyone is jealous of Erika Jayne, badass popstar bitch. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Rinna.

The 8th Annual Trick or treats! Halloween party at the private residence of Jonas Tahlin, CEO of Absolut Elyx

Nothing like a pantsless Doc Brown

nina-dobred

A STAR IS BORN. Clever.

oliviamunn

Apparently this is a character from Crazy Rich Asians. Yehhh ok.

paris

GTFO of my planet, Paris.

paris-nicky

Nicky can take a hike with her sister, who she apparently deemed important enough to mimic as a costume. COOL, A SPARKLY DRESS. THIS IS NOT ICONIC ENOUGH. Had these pictures not been side by side, it would’ve just looked like Nicky was going out on the town.

3rd Annual Dee Dee Jackson Foundation Costume For A Cause - Arrivals

You have Michael Jackson money, sir. Please use it.

KISS Haunted house Party 2018 - Arrivals

Rita Ora has the best costume this year and there’s no contest.

Just Jared's 7th Annual Halloween Party

I wouldn’t be surprised if these girls dressed like this on a regular basis if we’re being honest here.

Just Jared's 7th Annual Halloween Party

Wells can GET IT as Belle. THAT WAIST.

2018 GOOD+ Foundation's 3rd Annual Halloween Bash Presented by Delta Air Lines and Otter Pops

Meh.

seacrest

I’m almost positive Ryan Seacrest has been this exact costume before.

wiz-khalifa

Ninja Turtle Wiz and his fake pizza are LOVING life.

joeyking

Joey King had to shave her head for a role and BOY DID SHE utilize that bald head to amp up her costume.

michelle-trachtenberg

I guess this is Michelle Trachtenberg. If I can’t even tell who you are, you’re doing Halloween right.

noahcentineo

Netflix’s latest heartthrob going as Disney’s biggest rapey doucher? This will just not do.

victoria-justice-

Uniqueness: 10/10, Execution: 10/10, Knowing the Alphabet Skills: 5/10

bey

yonce

Beyonce went so hard in the paint for her h-ween costume she even got her graphic designer involved. Toni Braxton obviously bowed down to her.

cheban

I came down HARD on Jonathan Cheban last year and I don’t regret it because I was genuinely concerned for his face. He probably caught wind of this and covered up this year. Looks GR8.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bpdbip9g73S/?hl=en&taken-by=g_eazy G-Eazy/Instagram

You’re about to see the difference between a guy post-breakup and a girl. G-Eazy slapped on some intricate makeup and probably still got laid.

halsey

Halsey went out ass naked and called it a costume. She too, probably got laid. Brava to both.

Just Jared's 7th Annual Halloween Party

What the hell does a bedazzled mask have to do with what looks like a rape and murder victim? I am truly disturbed.

john-legend-and-chrissy-teigen

This makes my heart happy.

jwoww

Lotta questions here. 1. Did Roger agree to a family costume in exchange for staying together? 2. Where is their other kid….

kylie-jenner-stormi

Leave it to Kylie Jenner to dress up with her INFANT and still look like a hoebag. Like really? As a mom you thought it was necessary to wear a leotard and tie up stillettos while matching your baby?

shaun white

This year’s immediate post-halloween apology came from Shaun White. Gotta say, didn’t expect to see an OLYMPIAN dress up as a mentally retarded character but there’s one every year and it’s just downright comical to see that there are still people in the spotlight who choose insensitive costumes and are genuinely surprised when they’re forced to apologize. Dude. Dress as yourself. You won gold medals at like retirement age in the Olympics this past year. No need for a costume.

Katy Perry dresses up as a sloth for Halloween at Kelly and Ryan show in New York

Kewl costume, Katy remember when you were a cheeto? People don’t forget. Also, I lied. This costume is dumb.

rebelwilson

Rebel Wilson going as Wilson is prettttyyy pretty good. Plus it’s one of those costumes that you can eat a bowl full of candy before and no one will know.

ellen

Ellen on the other hand, is really getting her bang for her buck with that plastic cleavage she keeps rocking each Halloween. She’s going for Mariah Carey but I think there’s a deeper want here in the form of a boob job. (Update- apparently she was just dressing up as the Bachelorette. Whatever. Point still stands.)

Today-Halloween-2018

The Today show went 80’s but PLOT TWIST so did Good Morning America (couldn’t find a group pic SARRY.) I want to know who immediately got fired for that. I love Willie as Ferris Bueller the most.

roker

Also this made me laugh out loud because this is one hundo percent the face you make when you poop your pants at the white house.

Christina Milian is decked out in Hello Kitty gear for the Galore Magazine party

I’m not really sure what blue hair and eyes have to do with Hello Kitty. At this point I just have to assume your costume is a freak.

giulian

Jack and Allie from A Star is Born. YESSSS. I’M OFF THE DEEP ENDDDDDDDDDDD.

Heidi Klum's 19th Annual Halloween Party

EVERYONE SLOBBER ALL OVER HEIDI KLUM BECAUSE SHE INVENTED HALLOWEEN. (Dope costume tho.)

khloe-kardashian

THIS IS HOW YOU DRESS UP WITH YOUR CHILD. TAKE NOTES, KYLIE.

mariah

Mariah’s real cleavage in a roleplay costume.

nph

THIS IS AWESOME. NPH and co strike again!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BpmlhC0Bovc/?hl=en Wendy Williams Show

Dressing like a showgirl but calling yourself the Queen of Hearts. Yah ok.

LET’S SEE THE BABY’S FACE! COME ON!!! WHO’S THE DAD?! Either way, cute costume obv.

Majestic.

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God is a woman

A post shared by Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) on

A rare Kardashian compliment because I’m about to tear them all to shreds. This is perfect.

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👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼

A post shared by Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) on

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Halloween 2018

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

The fact that these bholes treat Halloween like a 9 look fashion show and got THE ACTUAL ANGEL WINGS AND LINGERIE just so that they could have their bits on display for the millionth time ever. COME ON. THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY. I DON’T NEED TO SEE YOUR VAGINA, KIM.

Ok I’m calm again. Reese brought me back down with a normal Halloween costume a mother would wear.

LOOK AT THE WIDDLE PUPPY BAYBAY!!!!

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They got candy? LEGO!

A post shared by Justin Timberlake (@justintimberlake) on

This is a real trick or treating commitment right there.

Neither of these kids were Boo, the cutest cartoon character ever to be created and I feel like that’s a missed opportunity. Mini monsters is also adorbs though.

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Wouldn’t have done it without the to-go wine

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This is how I will trick or treat with my oopsie kids. WINE ALWAYZ.

YUP. Couples costume with your dog. Nailed it.

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Scary Harry 📸 @zakarywalters

A post shared by Ed Sheeran (@teddysphotos) on

Scary indeed.

Not gonna lie I want that leotard.

So I guess I’m just not up with the youths these days but Halloween is literally just dressing up in a costume and doing a photoshoot. Didn’t even need to subject myself to strangers at the bar this past weekend. Could’ve just insta’ed my costume.

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENie

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Movies, Pop Culture

The Kissing Booth is a 10/10

It’s the movie that’s been sweeping the nation, the one you stumble into on Netflix then immediately text your close friends who also appreciate a good teen rom-com and they reply, “I’ve already watched it three times.” So why is a cheesy movie with subpar acting about 17 year olds falling in love after a first kiss in front of their entire school at a fundraising carnival all the rage? LET ME TELL YOU.

5. Friendship Goals. I feel like it’s impossible for a guy and a girl to be BFF’s without at some point there being feelings or weirdness and this movie proves that wrong. There were times that I questioned Lee’s sexuality, like when they had the classic dressing room scene or the fact that they love to dance together BUT I quickly let it go realizing that these two are just peas in a pod as besties. As Elle’s BFF should Lee maybe have not let her strut into the first day of school with her bhole hanging out? Yeah probably, but her dad didn’t stop her either so there was more than one offense on that. Lee makes Elle a hangover kit after the party, drives her ass everywhere and lets her third wheel at prom and all in all that’s a killer friend. Except for the whole, choose friendship over love, it’s goals all around.

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bffs

4. They make high school look SUPER KEWL. As you guys might’ve inferred, I wasn’t the coolest cat in high school. In fact, I was much like Elle (personality wise…in no way was I stripping in front of the football team or banging the QB.) That being said, high school was just meh. We drank Barton’s vodka in our parent’s basements, which we referred to as St. Barts to feel classier because it was 100% rubbing alcohol and sometimes one of my friends would throw up or the cops would come. So watching this high school experience of parties in literal mansions and at the beach was a real TREAT. I never even knew you could combine slip n slide and flip cup and now I don’t want to do anything else ever again. HOW FUN ARE THEY?!

slipnslideflipcup

3. There isn’t JUST kissing. As an avid viewer of teen flicks, sometimes it makes me uncomfy that I’m in my mid-twenties watching high schoolers fall in love and ending the movie with a no-tongue kiss (this also applies to Hallmark movies.) Call it what you want but sometimes you just need a little 13 in your PG, which is why I appreciated the hell out of this movie. I was nervous when it started with Elle telling us how she’s never even been kissed. Then she gets tongued real hard by Flynn and hop, skip, jump they’re banging in front of the Hollywood sign. Whew. What a whirlwind. But thankfully this allowed for a CLASSIC rom com montage which included a lot of boning scenes, some of them pretty risque. Like doing it on the science lab tables at school? You go, girl! Get down with your skanky high school self. Guess that’s just what the youths are doing these days (look no further than a kissing booth where blindfolded teenagers lick each other for money) and I approve because sometimes that’s just what you need to spice things up and make us old people feel better about devoting a night (or three) to watching.

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2. FLYNN. I mean come on. As far as babe soda leading men goes, this guy is a specimen. I mean seriously who has abs that defined in high school? Besides the fact that he’s a total makeout whore and has questionable choice in women (facial piercing chick who tasted like cheetos), Flynn is the high school teen dream. He’s tall, he plays football and has a little bad boy side to him with the motorcycle and slight rage problem — that of course can be tamed by the right girl. But Flynn also has a sensitive side looking out for Elle, maybe being a little too protective at times. Realistically though, if Flynn didn’t stop this boner from dating Elle SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE.

tuppen

Either way, well done with this casting because it was perfection. At one point my sister and our friend (both in their 30’s) and I sat on the couch sighing over Flynn and then immediately questioned if it was legal to drool over an actor that young. Pretty sure he’s 21, so it’s legit, guys. No need to sound the alarms here.

noah

badboyflynnflynn

Also he was lookin REAL mature in that grey suit coat. SWOON.

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1.  Elle & Flynn are a real life love story. Once I finally convinced my sister to watch this movie, she went full obsession stalker mode and immediately followed all of the actors on Instagram and to her delighted surprise, discovered that Elle and Flynn are REAL LIFE DATING. So this is the love story that never ends and bonus points Flynn is Australian IRL so he has an adorbs accent and they’re probably going to get married and have Kissing Booth kids. Or like, this was just a set fling because they’re both still babies themselves. Side note: the only thing that grinds my gears about their relationship (movie OR IRL) is that she is barely above legal little person size and he’s like over 6 feet. As a tall girl whose always needed a male counterpart that’s taller than me, I find it downright selfish when I see short ass girls stealing the tall guys. YOU’RE SHORT, EVERY GUY IS TALLER THAN YOU!! TAKE SOME OF THE FIVE FOOTERS OFF THE MARKET AND LEAVE THE SIXERS FOR US GANGLERODS. End rant. (I’m obviously still bitter about the fact that she fits perfectly under his chin for a good ole chintuck snugg.)

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BONUS If you’re feeling uncomfortable about watching teenagers fall in love and obsessing over it like I did…you can at least appreciate the cliche bitchy girl group aptly named the “OMG’s” and laugh out loud at their HORRENDOUS acting. (Seriously, there’s something for everyone in this movie.) Anytime these three betches grace the screen we’re treated to a full zoom on their faces as well as every sentence ending in GURL. The party scene in particular is cringeworthy as “G” says HEYYYY GURRRRLLL, WHATS GUCCI?! and laughs hysterically at how cool she thinks she is. Remind me to never say Gucci again.

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Pop Culture, Red Carpet

Royal Wedding Red Carpet

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I mean come on. If you thought I was gonna be up before 7AM on a Saturday morning and NOT blog this, you’re out of your mind. I’ve said it on Twitter but I’ll say it again…the most selfish thing the royal family could’ve done was hold this ceremony on local time. No one in their country gives a flying F about this wedding. America is obsessed with the royals and now EXTRA obsessed because an American from what has proven to be a trash ass family with their antics this past month has done the unattainable and found herself a real prince. So long, Sucktown, I’m a princess now! Every little girl’s dream. Even the Today show was like I’ve met more people from California than I have from England here. BUT WHATEVER. Not bitter or anything. Us Americans will set our alarms just to wake up and watch church on TV on a weekend. Don’t worry bout us.

And without further ado, here are the most random collection of celebrities-the chosen ones (with some royals sprinkled in) who got to sit 14 miles away from the altar and “watch” the Royal Wedding.

WORST

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Do you guys remember Joss Stone? She had a song on the radio in like 2003 and apparently that makes her worthy of attending these nuptials with a lady wearing pink fishnets. Either way she’s dressed to attend a 6 year old’s tea party.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

I LOVE the red heels but I’m sorry I had to do it. You’re attending a wedding not a funeral, guys! JAZZ IT UP.

Royal wedding

This is giving me 1960’s PanAm vibes real hard.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

Tom Hardy being a baldy really threw me for a loop here. I’m not digging what his lady friend is wearing. The most frills and puffs.

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

I’m not a huge fan of dusty pink but this dress is a flattering cut on her.

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Just your classic, oh he’s British so he’s invited. I get that Carey’s a hippie but this dress is not fitting for the ceremony. Mumford looks dapper.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

Cressida going for some Mexican vibes at her ex’s wedding. That’s one way to stand out!

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Lolol to James Blunt being there but also his date is an embroidered couch cushion.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

Isn’t this guy in cologne ads? This dress is so unflattering and boring.

jamescorden

James looks great but I can’t with his wife’s hat. It ruins her whole look.

Royal wedding

Oprah looks FINE. But, she’s OPRAH. I expected so much more from her.

princess-beatrice

I keep going back and forth on this dress because the puffballs are really pushing it but bottom line, the hat is basically a yarmulke.

BEST

Royal wedding

At first glance I hated this then I did a quick switch and loved the fact that her shoes match the colored stripes perfectly. Plus that’s a dope hat.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

Purple’s my favorite color so of course I love this.

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

I respect Chelsea Davies wearing dark colors (opposite of Cressida’s piñata dress) because if you’re invited to watch your ex boyfriend make SOMEONE ELSE A PRINCESS, you best show up in your darkest dress, still looking like a babe, to mourn your loss.

BRITAIN-US-ROYALS-WEDDING-GUESTS

This is typically something I would hate but I like the flourish for the event. Plus I’m a sucker for colored heels.

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Ugh Pippa looking like a dime as always. Show us dat azzz girl! Too far? Whatevs.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

These two are definitely the best dressed couple there. Showing the Beckham’s how to do it. Coordinated, classy and fun!

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

This is a best and a worst all in one photo. Abigail wearing a polka dot frock is a miss no matter what but standing next to the perfectly polished Priyanka makes it 100x worse.

sophie-countess-of-wessex

Get it gurrrrlll with those separates! So trendy!

patrick-j-adams-troian-bellisario

Classic look from both.

giada-lubomirski

I want this outfit. I’ve never needed a matching teal coat, hat and dress more.

gabriel-macht-jacinda-barrett

I always appreciate a subtle matching coups.

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This is the best pic I could get for Kate but naturally she’s the skinniest and looking phenomenal with that little sassternaut Charlotte saying hi to the h8ers.

doria-ragland

Not sure if this creates a rivalry to wear the same color as the Queen but Doria looks amazing as she tries to show that not everyone in Meghan’s family is American trailer trash.

prince-charles-camilla

Bow down to Camilla’s hat.

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Nothing will ever be funnier than a permanent scowl paired with a full-on lime green outfit. Her face says I hate everyone while her duds scream I’M READY FOR A SUMMER PARTY!

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Both boys looking like dapper dans.

entranceThe wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Ceremony, St George's Chapel, Windsor Castle, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

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I’m not a monster, so I’ll allow Meghan to be on the best dressed list at her own wedding but please know that I found this dress to be incredibly boring. At the same time, she’s beautiful and could’ve worn a rag (which this basically is) and still looked great. Not to throw comparisons into the ring but Kate looked elegant on her wedding day but also jazzed it up with a lacy dress and some mermaid waves. My theory is that Meghan’s history of divorce and being a Hollywood starlet, on top of the fact that her family has pooped all over this wedding looking for publicity rocked the Royal traditions boat a little too  much so she scaled back the dress for compensation.

And here are some couple goals for ya, because these two are cute as shit together:

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If you haven’t quite gotten enough of my snarky commentary, feel free to peep my all of my thoughts tweeted live during the action below…you know before I decided to start this blog because church got boring.

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JUice, Pop Culture

Weekly JUice

Week of May 7th, 2018

1. Taylor Tour Week.

Katy Perry Taylor Swift Credit: Taylor Swift/Instagram

Since Tay is the queen of self-promotion, she started a social media countdown to her tour where she revealed BTS deets each day on Insta Story. On the first day of her tour she showed the above snippet of an ACTUAL OLIVE BRANCH that Katy Perry sent her and apparently everything is gumdrops between those two now. KENYOUNOT, Katy? Can this “feud” forever be over and we never have to hear about it again?! I’m annoyed at both of them for playing this up for publicity. Speaking of, deets from the first show were released as they always are, and Taylor makes a long ass speech about being bullied by Kim Kardashian and the snake emoji before she sings Love Live (which is one of her worst songs, BTW) So cheers to a tour that I cannot afford because her cheapest tickets were $300 a piece and playing up the Kimmy/Katy feud for the rest of time. Do I sound bitter? Oh, that’s because I am.

reputationsnakereputation tour

2. New J.May.

I’ve had a hard stance on loving Continuum-era-John, where he was being a borderline racist and sexist pig in public appearances, but his music was hot fire flames at that time. Since then I’ve never really been all in on whatever he’s released. This easy listening with weird xylophone sounds in the background weren’t really doing it for me but I do like when he amps it up in the middle. I also can appreciate him wearing the hell out of that straight from the 90’s windbreaker.

3. New Selenaassss.

Selena Gomez dropped a new single to coincide with promoting season two of 13 Reasons Why. Can’t say I’ll be tuning in for that comeback since the first season was so depressing that I was basically messed up for a month after watching it. BUT I can say that I do love this new tune. I also happen to know the writer of this song from back in the college days, an opener for Eric Hutchinson in my school auditorium, so that’s pRETTY kewl. It’s also really fun to read headline after headline saying this new song is about Justin Bieber when I know for a FACT that Selena had no hand in writing this. So unless my pal (we follow each other on social media) Micah is hung up on the Biebz, I’m gonna have to say that’s false.

Update: 

Just scooping up relashe news like nobody’s biz. You heard it here first. The real story behind the music.

4. Jesse & The Mini Ripper

ISN’T THAT THE CUTEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEEEEEN? False. This is:

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JK JK, lil Billy supporting the Rips and Danny and Becky looking on adoringly is as cute as it gets. Even cuter than two drunk adults wearing matching Jesse and the Rippers tees for a 90’s themed pub crawl. PLAY US OUT, JESS. (He can remake the video IRL now!)

5. Let’s Keep Making Fun of Kanye.

Look. you can tell when there’s not enough headlines to complete the JUice. I’m gonna be up front with you. It was a slow week. But I’m committed to the blog life and still wanted to give you new content. So here’s an SNL sketch from Saturday that makes fun of all the Kanyizzle tweets I posted a few weeks ago. For someone who never watches SNL anymore or looks at skits after they air, I felt like this was a good one to share. Cause the JUice revolves around Chrissy Teigen’s gumbo and if I was ever forced to stay quiet for any period of time you can guarantee I would be dead. Pooptydescooop, indeed.

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Pop Culture, Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2018

Spring is in the air and Hollywood’s finest / youngest are gracing the Met red carpet in outrageous getups that narrowly relate to a central theme. What a time to be alive. Since last year’s “theme” was just a bunch of words in another language, it was a breath of fresh air that this year they just went with Catholicism. Probably the best theme I’ve seen thus far in the 4 years that I’ve been blogging this asshole fashion event. Peep below for headdresses and lace galore. And literal Jesus. No seriously, he resurrected to attend a Hollywood art/fashion event. And his name is also Jared Leto. Also, spoiler alert but nobody will ever top this look and that seems pretty obvious.

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NOW THAT’S HOW YOU DO CATHOLICISM. BOOM. CHURCHED.

WORST

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SRY for the small pics I had to rip these off of twitter. Much like Solange ripped this Hefty bag out of her trash can, blew air into it and tied it around her legs to look like 2 giant vulvas.

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MAHM LIFE.

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None of this screams Catholic to me.

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Kim looks good obviously, but you can’t tout yourself as a huge celeb then show up to a themed event wearing a gold gown with a cross sticker slapped on the front. Talk about mailing it in.

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Selz is really into the babydoll gown and it’s just not the most flattering. Especially when you pair it with what my hair looks like in high humidity and a brown spray tan. Yikes.

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Ya’ll know my thoughts on Zendaya. She consistently looks like a garbage can on the red carpet and I do not support it.

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Hate to do it to good ole Geeg but this doesn’t have a wow factor AND it’s not on theme.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

Oh let’s just sew three completely different fabrics in different colors togets. Ok.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Sick block shoulders.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

IDK what the fahk is going on here but Frances has HAD her time to shine this awards szn. Cut the crap here.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

There’s so many things that I can’t get on board with here. Clear stripper heels being the most prominent.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

I’m starting a new trend of just respecting the hell out of the assholes who overcommit to the theme because it makes it more fun but I just cannot give Katy Perry any sort of credit. Everything she does is annoying and I refuse to give her props for this outfit. If ANYONE else wore it I’d be like that’s awesome. But it’s her. And therefore, NOTHIN.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

I’m so perplexed by this? Are those cutouts over her boobs? And if so, why don’t we see nips? Also along the lines of Kimmy K, tossing a rosary on with your dress doesn’t make it Catholic.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Besides that skirt looking like a soft place to land for a nap, there’s nothing special about this outfit.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

This photograph literally will give me nightmares for the rest of time. Which might be a nice change up from my nightly reoccurring dream that I find out I’m pregnant AND i’m in labor in the same day. Not a dream I would wish on anyone.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

WAITER.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

First of all, she just had a baby. There BETTER be spanx on under that dress or I’ll be pissed. Second of all, no FOREVER to 90’s small shades.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

If this was a Michael Jackson tribute that would be fine.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

There must’ve been a bargain price on this circular headdress because 90% of the females there were wearing it. This look by “SZA” (is that a name?) didn’t impress. Mostly because the giant circles of tulle just chillin at her waist.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

If you’re old I would advise AGAINST the high pony.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This was a big deal with the youths because apparently these two are on that show Riverdale and made their debut as a couple for this event but like the bigger deal is those hard flare crop gauchos on this guy.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

Wasn’t she in that movie Letters to Juliet? Is this a costume from said movie?

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

Amal’s so above Hollywood that she took “Catholicism” as Hawaiian floral pantsuit.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

I was watching Kate walk the red carpet and get photographed and she kept rapidly blinking and creepily moving her head like a doll. It was beyond creepy. That’s all I see when I look at this outfit.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

WHAT does neon blush have to do with anything. Also, sweet cherub chillin between your legs.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

No comment. I put this one up just because I laughed at it so hard.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Cover your ass in the house of the Lord, Zoe.

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The mighty have fallen. They win my best dressed last year and this year can’t even hang. What’s with the slicked hair, Tommy? Or the knockoff Belle dress, Gisele?

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

This is straight out of the Hunger Games. I kinda want those boots though.

BEST

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I mean…could there be a more spectacular sight? No. No there cannot.

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I’d like to first point out how great it is that SJP brings Andy Cohen consistently to red carpets instead of her husband. Especially because you KNOW Matthew Broderick wouldn’t put up with this shit. Girl is wearing a tabernacle on her head. And check out Andy’s sparkle loafs WOOOO buddy. Head to toe assholeness and I love it.

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I usually shit real hard on Madonna’s Met Gala looks but spin zone, she made the best dressed because she is literally covering her entire face and body and for that I approve wholeheartedly. It was also brought to my attention that she looks like the below character from a horror movie and that makes me laugh a lot. Entertainment value: high.

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I’ve never seen a white pantsuit get werked harder. See? I can appreciate a Kardash every once in a while.

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There has never been a more Jesus lookin celebrity on this earth and I’m so happy Jared was willing to play into it. Lana, stop trying to steal his spotlight with daggers hanging out of your chesticles.

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This is my favorite event every year because it’s the only one that drags these two trolls out of the closet, typically wearing dark cloaks. I live for the once a year glimpse and I’m actually surprised they’re not both holding cigs here.

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Didn’t see an overwhelming amount of men’s fashion shots so I gotta give the guys a little love here. Baller move to go white and gold with a cape.

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I said the last cape was a baller move but this is a REAL baller move to flash that rainbow flag right in the church’s grillpiece.

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DAYUMN.

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Yeah you dress up that pre-marital baby bump, grrrrll. GOD SEES THAT.

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Almost as creepy as Kate Bosworth but I dig this look a little more. Can’t explain why. Probably because I judge outfits immediately based on no fashion expertise whatsoever.

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Honestly this ombre wrap of tulle looks real comfy to lay down and take a nap in. Dual purpose, probably.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Not over the top but I’m digging the red and gold halo combo.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Gabs just wore a yellow gown. Hate that she pulled that move when there were a billion things to do with this theme, but can’t knock the fact that she looks like a total babe soda.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

I just really love Michelle Williams and I think she looks good. That’s all.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

As previously mentioned, I’m all in on the red and gold. I’m all OUT on Tats McGee in the background struttin her stuff.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

HOW COOL IS THIS?! Sistine chapel ceiling ON YOUR GOWN. I’m obsessed.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I can always get down with a hood up. One time when I was younger I wore my hood up around the house so much that my parents made a rule no hoods in the house (I was going through an emo phase.) Either way, I wish it happened now so that I could show them hoods are ACTUALLY high fashion.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

This is how you tastefully tell everyone you’re an angel, KATY PERRY. Wear an actual halo.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

Again, another superior example to Katy Perry’s disaster. Here’s some cool ass wings that don’t stand erect like you’re holding your own VS Fashion Show. Well done, Evan.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Sup.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I think this is my favorite look of the night. She looks hot as hell.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

No clue what this has to do with the theme but I would one day like to be rich enough to have over the knee boots made to match my dress exactly.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I like the dark lip and gold chainzzzz. Kind of Egyptian but whatever.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

OK YES. Can I borrow this for the impending Royal nuptials? I don’t see anything wrong with wearing this in my living room at 7AM as I watch the wedding on TV.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

It says a lot about a person’s beauty if they can pull off blood tears and still look fab.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Another ignoring the theme but who cares because I’m rocking it sitch.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Last year Bella wore a see through jumpsuit. I like that she showed she has versatility and covered up for the man upstairs this year.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

OBVIOUSLY the look of the night was RiRi coming as the actual Pope. Kills me every time I look at it. Especially with that mean mug. Like yeah I’m wearing the pope’s hat, my tits and my bits hanging out, with a pearl anklet. YOU WANNA FIGHT?

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Pop Culture

Flying is for the Birds

Since I’ve been a real lazymonster on the blog-o-sphere lately, I’m doing that thing again where I post a throwback blog that I wrote before I had an actual blog. Here’s my words about flying from 2014. This is especially ironic because 2014 Julia couldn’t handle a half hour flight to Philly under gusty conditions yet 2018 Julia just spent 10 hours on an airplane each way. Brings a tear to my eye to see how far I’ve come. Mahalo.

Ok so yes, flying is super safe these days and people say that it’s more safe than driving and people also say that planes basically fly themselves…which is supposed to be comforting, but also DO WE REALLY WANT TO PUT OUR LIVES ON THE FUNCTIONALITY OF COMPUTERS? Just a thought. So anyway as you can probably tell, flying makes me shit my pants pretty regularly, and flying with my 1000x more paranoid sister only exacerbates this. In addition to that, recently I had the great pleasure of flying on the smallest plane I’ve ever flown on, in windy conditions. This plane had 50 people maximum on it and I sat in the last seat and could see straight into the cockpit. Also I had mono or some similar virus that the doctors still have yet to identify, so that’s another story for another day. Basically it comes down to the fact that I was NOT on top of my game on this particular 3-day casj trip to Florida.

What I would like to address is 1. How does everyone in the world stay so calm when there’s abrasive turbulence? Like you’re in the air and the entire plane is shaking around town, but like there’s nothing underneath you. And when things are bopping, I usually look around with a panicked stare and people are sleeping, typing on their laptops or roaming around the airplane like it’s a playground. Like just sit down and think you’re going to die like a normal person.

And the second thing I’d like to address is the pilot. First of all, I’d like anyone with information to let me know how old one must be to become a pilot, because I’m fairly certain that BOTH pilots on my miniature flight were under 16. Is that even legal? I’m already terrified that I will plummet to a fiery death in a plane built for infants and now I have to see two high school kids stroll into the cockpit? Not cool. Also what is it with pilots taking dicey weather conditions and making them sound casual over the loudspeaker? It was windy as shit both days I was flying but instead of just saying to everyone, “Hey folks, it’s windy as shit and these take offs and landings will be rough city, in addition to the fact that while we’re in the air we will be ricocheting side to side,” Evan and McLovin have to use a thesaurus to find every non-threatening way to say that. We heard everything from “it will be a bit gusty” to “slightly choppy conditions will make for a less than smooth landing.” And those “breaths of wind” are exactly the reason why I ended up in my sister’s lap with my arms tangled UNDERNEATH her legs whilst landing.

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Pop Culture

My First Big Girl Job

This past week I went down a very, very dark rabbit hole of perusing the documents saved on my computer. Being the nerd that I was, I had every paper, presentation and video I’d ever created dating back to 2009 when I got my very first lappytop. It was all fun and games lawling over my powerpoint on the Kardashians from my joke semester in Italy until I found my pre-blog days. When I graduated college I would randomly regurgitate blog-type rants and save them to look back on when I’d made it as a screenwriter and was famous as hell. Well here I am, an events assistant, uproariously laughing out loud at the things I bitched about when I was 22 or 23 and I’ve decided that since I now actually have an avenue to share them on, why not toss one in every once in a while for a #tbt laugh. This week’s edition is my stream of consciousness from my first post-college job where apparently I spent more time watching Days of Our Lives and picking my bike shorts out of my buhhole than actually doing anything worthwhile. I aptly titled it “The Office.”

Starting out at a new office this summer and I’m the part-time, temporary receptionist. The title alone gives everyone in the office reason to ignore me. They only see me half the day, if they happen to come to the front desk, and the job goes for three months. So I guess it makes sense that literally no one talks to me except for the one guy that realized I also am addicted to Days of Our Lives and we talk shop. By shop I obviously mean we talk about whose having sex and whose been arrested in Salem. Unfortunately like an asshole I couldn’t remember what happened in an episode the other day and he hasn’t talked to me since. I lost my only friend because I was distracted at work and couldn’t watch TV. Yep, the job is going well. Anyway, my point of this rant is that I was in the bathroom the other day thinking of how I’ve completely proven that I’m a weirdo, making it much more difficult for people to want to talk to me once they get past the fact that I’ll be gone in two weeks.

Anyway, have you ever gone into a public bathroom or a bathroom at work and considered that they might have security cameras in the bathroom (not the stalls you perv) to prevent theft or like group sex? Well as I was in there I did my normal questioning of if there’s cameras and then decided that I reallllyyyyyyyy hope there’s not. Reasons why I hope there are no security cameras in my office bathroom:

  1. I didn’t learn how to use the automatic paper towel dispenser for three weeks.

Okay so this is not even a little bit a joke, although I really wish it were. About halfway down the paper towel dispenser there is a hand waving above a red light, which I assumed to be a sensor. So for three whole weeks I jived my hand around that and almost cried every time no paper towels came out. Usually there was a backup roll that I could end up using after my frustrating dance. One time there wasn’t, and I returned to the desk with sopping hands, which was real uncomfy. One day, on accident my hand went under the dispenser as I was walking to the sink and magically a foot of paper towels shot out. It was that exact moment in life that I questioned how I graduated college.

  1. I often go into the bathroom to pull up my skirt or dress and pull my bike short spandex that I’m wearing underneath out of my butthole. I have never once gone into a stall to do this.

As a 22 year old chick I own about 4 dresses that are long enough to be considered business casj, so naturally I think it’s AOK to wear my short dresses with bike short spandex underneath, thinking that when the inevitable bend over occurs, at least someone will be getting a glimpse of spandex instead of my asshole. The only problem being that these shorts often like to hang out in my asshole, especially after four hours of sitting, so adjustments are absolutely necessary.

So that’s why I’m hoping there are no cams in the bathroom, or like a bathroom peeping tom (ew.) I did discover about a month into the job that two security cameras cover the front desk where I sit. So it’s a mere miracle that I haven’t been fired from my activity up there. Again I questioned my intelligence if I couldn’t figure out that a news station in the seediest area of Albany would have security cameras all around the reception area. Once I did and realized how many dumb things I did regularly, I started staring directly into the cameras after I did something dumb. So that definitely doesn’t draw attention to me… Anyway, things that the front desk security cameras have caught me doing:

  1. Taking stupid snapchat selfies.
  2. Re-taking snapchat selfies several times when I inevitably have a double chin.
  3. Picking my wedgie. (We went over this…)
  4. Throwing my phone and pretending I’m not using it every time I hear someone coming.
  5. Going to great lengths to hide the cover of whatever inappropriate book I’m reading when I have to answer the phone or someone comes in unexpectedly.
  6. Putting the phones on night mode when I go to the bathroom and then forgetting to switch it back after I sit down again, then sitting for an hour before realizing the phones are off.

Whoa, that escalated quickly into things I could potentially get fired from my part-time temporary receptionist position for. My bad guys….shit got real, real quick. Confessional OVER.

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