Music, Playlist

Pump It Up Playlist

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve forced a weird / random playlist down your throats and I think it’s about damn time we revisit this faaabulous Salty Ju feature. Mostly because I’ve gone back to the gym–if we classify going back to the gym as my annual realization that my pants are suddenly too tight after seasonal depression binge eating, jorts szn is quickly approaching, I should probably get my $10 a month worth of Planet Fitness and also give myself an excuse to buy some new jazzy workout leggings to flex how good I look in athleisure. EITHER WAY, I’ve needed some bangerz to keep me at the gym for more than 15 minutes every few nights and to drown out people like the lady who announced loudly that she goes to the gym twice a day-morning and night.

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Anyway, I spent a whole day of work going through my entire iTunes lib trying to pull songs that I hadn’t heard in a long time that were fast paced. I ended up with a 3 hour playlist. Don’t you even worry, I’ve narrowed it down to bless your ears with only the best of the best. If working out isn’t your thing, I respect that. Pop this bitch on when you’re looking to feel pumped up for anything in life. Going out? Want to have an at home dance party? Get jazzed for a road trip? I gotchu.

The Greatest Show – Cast. This song should kick off every playlist going forward. No joke I wish I was still in college when it came out because it would make a GR8 pregame jam. How can you not instantly be in a great mood when you hear the stomp stomp WHOA-OHH-OH-OHHHHH? I had it as my morning alarm for a while and I shot out of bed ready to take on the day. Also terrified because that’s kind of a jarring way to be pulled out of a deep slumber but I DON’T CARE. GIMME ALL THE CLAP BREAKS. Also the song basically becomes a whole new song when Zac Efron pipes up so 2 for 1 special, you’re welcome.

Stronger – Britney Spears. Let a little OG Britney up in ya ears. I feel like this one sneaks under the radar. Obviously Brit’s school girl uniform and latex red body suit stand out in your memory but let’s not forget how she made a metal chair look sexy in this music video. Chair dance Britney paved the way for snake Slave 4 U Britney and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.

It’s Still Rock And Roll To Me – Billy Joel. They don’t call him the hitmaker for nothin, folks. Even his sad piano jams put me in a good mood because he’s such a legend. Just selling out stadiums on the reg, tickling the ole ivories. Whatta life.

I Drove All Night -Celine Dion. Even though I can crush It’s All Coming Back to Me Now even better than Celine probably can–I’m talking high notes & passion only, I will literally never get the lyrics down–I can still appreciate Celine’s other bangerz. This one has a powerful message. Celine wanted some, so she drove through the night to get it. And because she’s still a lady, she was like is that alright? OF COURSE IT’S ALRIGHT, GURL. GET AFTER IT.

Days Go By – Keith Urban. Lucky for Keith he has the perfect mix between rock and country because he shreds the guitar, so he basically only puts out fun songs. It was very difficult to choose just one of his so I went with a classic that never gets old. The original version of YOLO, if you will. YA BETTER START LIVIN RIGHT NOW.

Get Buck In Here – DJ Felli Fel Ft. Lil Jon, Ludacris, Diddy & Akon. Look, let’s not beat around the bush here, I’m white. Not like white but can still hang and has a little flavor, like cream cheese white. I look like a real nerdbomber when I try to rap along to songs but you know what? That sure doesn’t stop me from trying. I’ve realized that Luda is essentially the only rapper I can keep up with and I’ve latched onto that real hard. This is where I shine. Right here. I’m like Emma Stone rapping to All I Do Is Win when Get Buck In Here comes on. Plus, like, any song about too much booty speaks to me on a whole other level.

Fighter – Christina Aguilera. Not only did I have a pretty badass dance to this song in middle school for my hip hop class (if you’d like to see my equally as badass camo costume, click here) but also it’s a pretty underrated Xtina song. When it came on the other night I had to physically stop myself from tossing out some Aguilera hands and belting out the riffs. Trying to make fun of the weirdos at the gym, not BE one, amirite?! But if you’re listening to this in the car and you’re not doing Ag-hands then turn it off because you’re not doing it right.

Nobody But Me – Michael Bublé. I’ve always loved Bubz a normal amount from him soundtracking bascially The Wedding Date in it’s entirety and also from just being an adorable little Canadian crooner whose always in a suit. I recently had to learn how to love him extra hard because he’s basically my boyfriend’s number one crush in this world (aside from Tim Tebow) and we went to his comeback tour concert. And let me tell you, whatta guy. He can tell a dirty joke then immediately transition into a full orchestra high-note hitting class act. One of a kind. This was one of his songs I recently discovered and it never fails to get the hips a’movin. It’s the Bub Daddy with a little hip-hop flair.

No Church In the Wild – Jay-Z Ft. Kanye West & Frank Ocean. The beat on this song makes me want to get up and move regardless of if I look like a moron. Plus it was used to show total debauchery in The Great Gatsby, which allows me to remind everyone of a time when I called everyone old sport after that movie came out and I thought it was hilarious. Great times all around, Old Sport. Lastly, I’ve always wanted to post a picture captioned “Sunglasses and Advil. Last night was mad real.” But unfortunately I’m not Kanye West doing lines off of a girl’s skin so it has never been truly justified. Maybe this summer will get crazy. Who knows, Old Sport. Who knows.

Swerve – Florida Georgia Line. These two bozos basically invented the hip hop/country combo deal and they’re still cashing checks on it 5 years later. People are like you guys know you’re not real country right? And they respond by releasing an album titled “Can’t Say I Ain’t Country.” Touché.

Timber – Ke$ha Ft. Pitbull. Although I never condone Pitbull and his ability to make a career off of singing “dalé” in any song he’s featured on, I forgot just how fire flames this song is. When it first came out I almost sprained my ankle dancing around the house to it so you know it’s the real deal. Never thought I’d say this but I miss that dirty bird Ke$ha.

Chasin’ After You – O-Town. Always weary of a boy band comeback, I was pleasantly surprised by this one ESPECIALLY since they ditched their star power, Ashley Parker Angel. Remember that baby face with spiky blonde hair? I gasped when I found out. How could they possibly proceed without him? Well turns out all you really need is a good pop song and it doesn’t really matter who is singing it because I couldn’t name one current member of O-Town if I had to.

Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen. Queen’s on a real hot streak lately ever since the movie that Rami Malek won an Oscar for and didn’t even thank Freddie Mercury, WHO HE PORTRAYED. I’m happy to join the bandwagon. I think I forgot how many Queen songs I knew until I saw the movie and I immediately started cycling their beats back into my regular play. SING IT TO ME, FREDDIE!

 …Ready For It – Taylor Swift. There was no way we were gonna sneak outta here without some TayTay and I hope that I’ve chosen correctly. Just kidding I know that I have because I’ve spent the past year going ARE YOU READY FOR IT in a dumb voice every time I want someone to get pumped up for something. You’re welcome, everyone around me.

Till I Collapse – Eminem & Nate Dogg. I was told by a trustworthy source that a pump up jams playlist CANNOT exist without Till I Collapse. So even though the ONLY words I know in this song are the actual title, I’m very willing to toss around some rapper hands and nod my head intensely as Em & Nate Dogg do their thang.

Breathing – Yellowcard. My emo side peeking in here, I’ve already previously declared my love for Yellowcard and any punk rock band that dares to toss a violinist in the mix. Even though I wore out their concert dvd (lost it), I still need a good head bang every once in a while and Breathing is just the trick.

Get Another Boyfriend – Backstreet Boys. I feel a little guilty that there’s no N*SYNC on this playlist but if we’re being honest, BSB always had a little more street cred and that’s what we needed here. A rough and rowdy tune about a girl being a dumbass.

We Run This – Missy Elliott. Remember the classic flick Stick It about gymnastics? I was obsessed with it in high school. I quoted it preeeetttyy regularly and wanted to dabble in gymnastics just because the lead actress made it look so kewl. This song was featured in the movie and it just makes you want to do a front handspring into a back flip into a split leap then stick the landing. Ya know? For realz though, I used to rock the shit out of a cartwheel and I literally can’t even attempt one without breaking both arms clean off of my body anymore. Same with a back bend. I encourage you to have a glass of wine or two on a Friday night and attempt to do a back bend/bridge on your living room carpet. My family all individually tried this feat and it ended with my mom peeing her pants from laughing so hard. Quality entertainment. Spoiler Alert: *bridges only work if you can lift your own body weight clear off the ground through core strength* Tough stuff, lesson learned.

Sucker – Jonas Brothers. HEYYOOOOO gotta include the JoBro’s comeback. Not because I was ever a JoBro stan but because it’s catchy as hell. I already blogged specifically about this song and their complete destruction of the curly-headed virgins, so no need to be redundant. See my thoughts HERE.

Nice For What – Drake. I don’t have one single clue what these lyrics are. I somewhat gathered that it’s about ladies and female empowerment?! Mostly because the video featured a bunch of famous lady actresses. Also we’re going to gloss right over the fact that Tiffany Haddish, America’s MOST annoying voice (it’s no contest, don’t even try to debate me on this) is featured because this beat is infectious and makes me want to groove like nobody’s biz. Shout out to Lauryn Hill on that one. #Feminism.

Still Into You – Paramore. Another dip into the world where I stacked up my Claire’s rubber bracelets and posed for pics with my dad’s tie over a white beater. Hayley Williams is a classic punk rock chick with neon hair and I LOVE HER! That’s all folks. It’s just a funky song about liking someone a lot.

The Way You Make Me Feel – Michael Jackson. As you’ve come to expect, we only end on high notes here in Salty Ju playlist land. In the dance movie montage blog that I previously linked to for Christina Aguilera’s Fighter, you’ll notice that my top movie is Center Stage and this song is in their final dance which is BOSS. Seriously, if you haven’t seen this dance scene yet, you don’t even need to watch the movie just google it. It’s bananas. I digress, listening to this feel good MJ jam is all you need to feel like you too could become a professional dancer jiving around while a choreographer from the wrong side of the tracks rides his Harley onstage to pick you up. Basic stuff.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/11/17

1. Fergie & Josh Head to Splitsville. After 8 years of marriage Fergie Ferg and Tad Hamilton are breaking up because WHY WERE THEY EVEN TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE? Seriously. These weird ass Hollywood couples that pop out kids and sneak under the radar for far too long before breaking up always baffle me. Fergie used to wear Timberland heels, gold nameplated hoops & shiny track suits while she writhed around onstage with 3 other black guys rapping at her. Josh Duhamel is a rom com heartthrob. Yeah, ok. Sources say they were just “too different.”

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That being said, London Bridge was my JAM back in the day. Grey Goose got the girl feeelin loooooose. (at the time of this release it was more like St. Bart’s got the girl throwing up, but whatevs, we can pretend.)

In super boring and dumb news that no one cares about, my boyfriend, who has spent the last 6+ months trying and failing at scooping me on celebrity gossip FINALLY got a W with this one. I guess it was about time, but like it doesn’t make me any less irritated about getting scoooooped. He’s handling it really well. If by well we mean bragging about it until the end of time.

2. Selena Gets A Kidney.

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I’m very aware some of my fans had noticed I was laying low for part of the summer and questioning why I wasn’t promoting my new music, which I was extremely proud of. So I found out I needed to get a kidney transplant due to my Lupus and was recovering. It was what I needed to do for my overall health. I honestly look forward to sharing with you, soon my journey through these past several months as I have always wanted to do with you. Until then I want to publicly thank my family and incredible team of doctors for everything they have done for me prior to and post-surgery. And finally, there aren’t words to describe how I can possibly thank my beautiful friend Francia Raisa. She gave me the ultimate gift and sacrifice by donating her kidney to me. I am incredibly blessed. I love you so much sis. Lupus continues to be very misunderstood but progress is being made. For more information regarding Lupus please go to the Lupus Research Alliance website: www.lupusresearch.org/ -by grace through faith

A post shared by Selena Gomez (@selenagomez) on

I feel like Selena Gomez has some aggressive AF fans because any time she’s posting on social media it’s to defend herself because her fans have been up her bhole asking where she is. WELL GUESS WHAT. She’s been getting a kidney and stuff. EVERYONE COOL YOUR JETS. Not for nothing, but what a sly sneak back into the spotlight for Francia Raisa, star of Secret Life of the American Teenager. Not that I watched that show or anything (never missed an episode) but word on the street was that Francia played the slutty one of the high school who was preeettttyyy loose with her morals.

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Nothing cleans up a bad gurl image–on ABC Family–quite like sacrificing an organ for your friend. Claps all around. Hopefully Selena’s rabid fans have been satiated with this very personal update. More importantly, thank you for bringing memories of the greatest show ever created back into my life.

3. Behati Ate A Cheeseburger.

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ROUND 2…..

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So I guess this means Behati & Adam Levine are pregnant again although really with that picture and such a non-descript caption, it could also just mean she ate lunch that day and hadn’t taken a dump yet. Whatever. Here’s to another dumb name. Still bitter about Dusty Rose.

4. Yonce gets a headline about her lame dress.

beyonce-jayBeyonce and Jay-Z leave Rihanna's 3rd Annual Diamond Ball

I get that we’re all supposed to bow down to the Beyhive, but when she steps out to Rihanna’s magical ball in a $165 dress that’s hideous, I don’t think this is front page of People.com worthy. Snaps for her for getting her figure back post-twins ravaging her vagina (if she was actually preggers this time) but also, show it off with something nicer than this dress that peasants can buy to wear to their cousin’s fall wedding. COME AT ME, BEYHIVE. I’M ALL SORTS OF FIRED UP AND I AIN’T SCURRED.

5. Love Always, Mandy.

*EXCLUSIVE* Mandy Moore takes some family members to Caffe Luxxe

Mandy sneaky got engaged to Taylor Goldsmith, lead singer of Dawes this week and was inconsiderate by not posting a picture of the ring for us all to judge. This is the best shot we’ve got and you can BARELY see it. Step it up, Mands. I expect a close up by next Friday’s JUice. ESPECIALLY with the amount of press you know she’ll be doing for This is Us, the *groundbreaking* show we never stop hearing about.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/10/17

Hey remember when I used to razz real hard on the headlines from the week and everyone was like CAN’T WAIT TILL FRIDAY so I can hear the important opinions of The Salty Ju on buzzworthy topics?! Well Hollywood’s been a real drag this summer and I wasn’t about to do 5 bullet points on Slob Kardashian vs. Blac Chyna so I went on hiatus. But I’ve pulled myself out of retirement because the Queen has finally broken her vow of silence and I simply cannot go down without shouting my opinions across the internet in rebuttal.

1. Sir Carter & Rumi.

Staying true to her pregnancy announcement photos, Yonce stayed in hiding and released a professional portrait for the announcement. She looks great but let’s focus on the fact that she named her son Sir. As in please SIR, may I have some more? What a DUMB name. That’s like naming your daughter Ma’am…which in itself is offensive because no one under the age of 75 should ever be addressed as Ma’am. I got ma’amed once at a gas station by the attendant and almost took a lighter to the joint. So like this kid is going to grow up a little bit and be confused AF about when someone is talking to him or not. Also, since she put Carter after Sir and not after Rumi, am I to assume that his name is Sir Carter Carter? PLZ clarify this, B. Unless she’s really doubling down on her #FEMINISM and giving the twins her last name, which would mean Blue Ivy has a different last name than her sibs and that would be a real dick move. To be clear, I don’t love the name Rumi either but it’s not as downright preposterous and personally offensive as Sir Carter squared.

2. Wedding Season.

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The weekend finally arrived- And it was MAGICAL!!! The weekend my best friend, my love of my life, and my new husband @brookslaich and I brought our family and closest friends together to have fun, encourage love, and celebrate our marriage! I'm so grateful I get to spend forever with this incredibly kind, thoughtful, strong and adventurous man. I'm the luckiest woman in the world to be your wife! It was truly the most special time in our lives and because we believe so much in putting love out into the world to help inspire and encourage others, we have decided to share our special day with all of you. To get an inside look check out the link below! Much love to you all! ❤️ J+B 👰🤵 http://people.com/tv/inside-julianne-hough-brooks-laich-wedding-photos/

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Julianne Hough got married to her hockey playin hunk and natch had Marchesa custom design like 1500 things for her to wear through the course of one day. She looked stunning of course and had a body suit created for her reception so she could drop it low in comfort. #Goals.

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3. Emmy Noms.

Click HERE for full list of nominations but know that the only reason I bring this up is because soon enough it’ll be awards season again and I will be glued to my couch with wine and chips calling celeb fashion choices hideous. Also I always like to pat myself on the back when I’ve consumed something worthy of an award. This year I can check two off the list…Big Little Lies and This is Us. I think This is Us is incredibly overrated and everyone is shitting their pants over it just because TV has gotten SO bad but like also I’m not about to stop watching it and be out of sync with what the rest of the world is talking about. Big Little Lies on the other hand was addicting as shit and also might’ve given me a couple of nightmares. I put up with the darkness just so that I could tell people I’m cultured, obv. It’s like when I read 1000 trashy erotic novels and mix in ONE NY bestseller that everyone is buzzing about every year so that when someone says oh what’re you reading, I can swiftly reply with Girl on the Train and spark an intellectual conversation instead of shamefully admitting that I’m currently engrossed in “How to Handle a Cowboy” with a shirtless man on the cover.

4. Winter is Coming.

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Never on this planet am I looking forward to winter especially because summer basically just started and my full-on tan has finally kicked in. HOWEVER, everyone who knows me knows that I love to get down with the Olympics. Last winter Olympics my sister and I watched figure skating every day during work and I threw an Olympics themed house party that consisted of my 4 friends (while my parents were out of town) wearing red, white and blue and me shouting DRINK every time someone fell while skating or skiing. (Or if there was a closeup on Bob Costas’ juicy pink eye) Last summer I declared I was going to throw a round 2 of that party on opening night but then realized that it’s only fun to do in winter when there are no other options but to watch TV and drink. Also I was really hungover. Get ready to party in February 2018 though. Gus, the Sochi puppy rescuer of 2014 is back and figure skating is always LIT. (Are the youths still saying that?) Whatevs. South Korea here we come!

5. Ease Up on that Corduroy Jacket.

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Apparently Zayn and Gigi are the Vogue poster children of gender fluidity because they “wear what’s comfy”. Well this is some bullshit. Just because Gigi throws a track suit on just like her boyfriend she’s suddenly a spokesperson for that new “it” phrase gender fluidity? Get outta town. I wear asexual sweatpant shorts and baggie tees/sweatshirts all the time. I thought it just meant that I was lazy and dressed kind of like a slob kebab, but apparently this whole time I’ve been championing a very important social cause. K.

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POLITICS BONUS:

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The man who sang “Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy” and wears fedoras over a doo rag is running for the US Senate. That is all.

EAR BONUS:

Too bad this song came out this week and narrowly missed the Summer Palooza 2017 cut. It’s pretty bada$$ though and I ship it.

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Music, Television

Grammys 2017 Recap

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Since I can’t go like five minutes without voicing my opinion, I’ve decided to round up a quick recap of last night’s Grammys. Why? Because if I have to sit through 15 hours of television, I reserve the right to dissect every single thing that happened as if I am an expert on all things awards shows.  So in no particular order, here are the top five things that happened last night when I turned 35 watching a bunch of celebrities sing on TV.

1. I’m on Hiatus from the Hive.

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Just like every other basic bitch in America, I love Beyonce. She’s super rich, puts out bangers, and kind of scares me a little bit. Well, I’m also real enough to admit when she’s doing too much. Telling her husband to suck on her balls and stop cheating on her via song? Funny and cool. Wearing a gold headdress and doing an entire performance with children laughing and a recording of your own voice whispering a speech? Creepy AF. Performing her most snoozeworthy songs chopped up with her talking about women and moms while she sits like a robot on a tipping chair was enough. Even Blue was like ok, mom, wrap it up. After those weird pregnancy announcement photos I was on the fence and then everything she did at the Grammys last night tipped me over the edge. I’m using this platform to announce to you all that I’m taking a break, Ross and Rachel style, from the Beyhive. Will I be back the minute she sneezes those babies out? Obviously. But for right now I think it’s time that we see other people.

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2. John Travolta is still oblivious.

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It seems like we drag up Johnny T every year to collectively have a laugh at his expense at a major awards show. We’ve had him stroking out over Idina Menzel at the Oscars and then trying to get in on the joke the year after. Last night it was a pleasure to watch him and his diamond chainz read off of index cards because the teleprompter type isn’t big enough for his old person eyes. I want to believe that he’s self-aware and knows everything he does is weird but at the same time I know in my heart that John thinks he’s real life Danny Zuko, cool as a cucumber while all of Hollywood makes fun of him. And somehow that makes it better.

3. No Red Sox Fans in Hollywood. 

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We all knew it was coming, but I don’t think anyone expected it to be this awkward. Like Ellen’s Oscar selfie, it’s always a bigger host win if they can get as many famous people to play into a bit as possible. Unfortunately for James, I don’t think he anticipated not one single person knowing the words to Sweet Caroline. Even Neil Diamond was struggling and they were all clearly reading the lyrics off of a teleprompter. They didn’t even nail the SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD and drunk people in a bar can crush that! It was such a trainwreck that even Blue Ivy bopped over to see what all the fuss was. Apparently she thinks that just because she was born into the Illuminati she can crash a carpool karaoke sesh and then not sing when the mic is given to her. She better learn to start hamming it up real soon or she’ll be forgotten as soon as these twins are born.

4. Rihanna likes to party. 

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We always need someone in the audience to watch and although CBS wanted it to be Keith Urban with the amount that they panned to him grooving out, the real winner was Rihanna and her booze. If I had to sit through that awards show and look entertained with cameras on me you better believe that I’m gonna be tossing back shots from a diamond flask. At one point she literally goes, I think it’s time for another shot. I almost wished I was drinking last night so that RiRi didn’t have to do shots alone. I am nothing if not a polite social drinker. Never let your friend take a solo shot, that’s my motto.

5. Adele is Queen.

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Adele snuck right up to being my favorite person at the Grammys last night. At first I was like ok, Hello is the oldest song ever I don’t need to hear it again. But then she pulled a boss move by casually stopping her George Michael trib, tossing around a couple of F bombs and declaring a redo. It makes me love her even more knowing that she has a garbage can mouth because I don’t know if you know this about me, but I too appreciate a good swear word and if world class singer Adele can pull that shit and get a standing O, THEN SO CAN I. (Mom and Dad- pls remember that the next time I accidentally swear in your presence.) Anyway, Adele then went on to win all of the awards and slobber all over Beyonce in the process. Quickest way to make sure Beyonce fans don’t instantly hate you? Declare in your acceptance speech that Beyonce should’ve won and that’s obvious. Adele is always one step ahead.

Bonus: Ed working that loop like nobody’s biz. It’s no Castle on the Hill but I accept.

 

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/30/17

1. We Have All Been Blessed.

In the most Beyonce pregnancy announcement since the time she unveiled a baby bump mid-VMA’s performance, we have learned that two more lil Jay-Z clones will be entering this world. Because of course they’re having twins. I’m going to ignore the whispers about these not being Hova’s kids cause Lemonade and instead focus on the fact that I went off the deep end with this announcement. After being scooped thrice on New Years’ Day, I saw this Instagram post on Wednesday and immediately sounded the alarms to everyone I knew, hoping to break the news. I was 3 for 3 and riding the high of alerting my friends of the news just a mere 12 minutes after she posted it and I didn’t want to come down. I even texted my dad, who could literally care less about Bey and Jay just because I wanted one more W. He didn’t respond. Whatever. Either way, we learned a very valuable lesson: Beyonce is a blue satin ruffled panty wearin Queen. Just kidding, we already knew that. The real lesson is that celebrity gossip makes me foam at the mouth and I won’t apologize for it.

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To top it off and make sure everyone was really talking about her until the end of time, Bey waited a day and released the rest of the photos from her profesh maternity shoot. If we’re being honest the one she posted was the only acceptable one and I would have preferred she kept the others locked up for no one to ever see.

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Click here if you want to see the rest at your own risk.

2. Ed’s Beach Body.

Ed released his second music video in two weeks and even though I hated every minute of this, especially when we were treated to several closeups of a Sumo wrestler’s buhhole, gotta give credit where credit is due. Ed is lookin fierce with his new trim bod.

3. Is Obama…hot?

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Obama just retired from the most important job he’ll ever have and now he’s ready for some bro’in out on Richard Branson’s island. A little beer pong, a little Chainsmokers and apparently a lot of backwards hat time. This is conflicting for me. I’ve gone on record saying guys are 100x hotter with a backwards hat but like, I wasn’t really factoring our President into the mix with that statement. Is he hot? Is he mortifying his college aged daughter with his island vibes? (yes and that’s obvious.) I’ll leave it up to you to decide. Hang Ten, Barack.

4. Sharpay Goes Acoustic.

Who knew that the girl who scream sang “I Want It All” in a sparkle dress could break it down? This stripped version of Toxic with her hipster Steve Howie-lookin hubby was a nice surprise.

5. So Does Zayn.

Undie Slushie.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/2/16

1. THE KING IS BACK. 

When JT started teasing new music this week, I almost had to change my undies right on the spot. That’s how much I missed his beats. And him, in general. As I type this it’s Thursday night and I specifically stayed up 10 more minutes to hear it when it dropped at midnight. AND OBVIOUSLY IT’S FIRE FLAMES. When does summer officially start? May 6th. Put it in your science books because JT just started summer with this bangpiece. (Just so we’re all on the same page, we’re all pretending this isn’t a song for animated trolls.)

2. I mean, obviously.

Look I’m not a huge shipper of Gwen especially after she started dating Blake Shelton and the two of them tossed it in everyone’s faces constantly because they started banging on a show they both worked on (how original) but bring in Clooney and Julia Roberts and I’m sold. I mean seriously, I can’t sit still for 10 minutes without checking my phone or gazing off into space but these 10-15 minute carpool karaokes keep me riveted.

3. Let’s go back, back to the beginning. I follow the former Laguna Beachers on Insta specifically waiting for a moment like this. No seriously, if I unfollowed them and missed this it would sooook, which is why I put up with all the posts about how they’re so grown up and getting married and having babies and totally distancing themselves from when they were dumb high school idiots who threw bougie black and white parties and benefits at a hotel just so they could drink. Anyway, if this isn’t a teaser enough, something’s definitely brewing in the Laguna world with the B-list stars. I mean seriously…who invited Christina and Morgan to ever participate in anything entertainment related again? I’m also guessing JWahl is slumming it because his addiction appearances with Dr. Drew were drying up. Try all you want but ya’ll will never be LC. (Making Bambi inspired t-shirts for Kohls.) JK, JK. If you want to reminisce about Laguna before whatever this might be airs, check out my prized and well researched ‘Guna blog here.

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And……. Here we go! @alexmurrel

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Let's go back … Back to the beginning 😜

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4. A peek into my future if I have accidental kids. Female ensemble comedies are all the rage these days and here’s a new one about being shitty moms who like to party.

5. Tha Carters bathe in money. Beyonce dropped Lemonade a couple weeks ago about how Jay cheated on her, essentially cashing in on the ‘vator scandal. And everyone’s like ooohhh ahhhh, Jay-Z better WATCH HIMSELF. Uh, CTFD, this is obviously a business plan and part 2 is Hova’s response album. Cha ching, cha ching TIIDAALLLLLL. I wouldn’t be surprised if Blue hopped in the studio next for an exclusive Beyhive Jr. album. Anyway, I approve wholeheartedly. The world is a better place for getting to hear marital drama play out on spicy new songs. Plus the graphic tee world needed a refresh from all the “But first, coffee” tees and “Becky with the good hair” is a fine place to start. So thank you, Illuminati.

BONUS:

Their eyes are photoshopped right? Either way, Team Logan 4ever.

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Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2015

Celebs, they’re just like us…sometimes they have really dumb, unoriginal halloween costumes…and when they do, I point and laugh at them. I will applaud the fact that no one slipped up and did black face this year. They just might be learning!

WORST

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Haute couture skeleton @alexfaction

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I think this would have been okay had J.Lo not taken a typical costume and called it haute couture like a bougie betch.

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👻

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I’m not sure what’s going on here, is this just a child from my nightmares?

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I think I nailed the Kim K costume! 🕸👻🕷

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What does the biggest attention whore in America dress as for Halloween? Herself, obviously.

I will absolutely NOT support Let it Go for one more second. Even if she does look like an adorbz little Olaf.

johnstamos

Devil’s Threesome.

peanuts today shwo

The Today Show tried to be cutesicle….

 carson willie matt

Except replicating a cartoon in real life can actually turn into a pretty scary sitch for all involved. Also OF COURSE Matt Lauer cross-dressed.

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Trump thrives off of this shit.

Tyra Banks Richard Branson

Tyra Banks as Richard Branson. Why?

kylieninja

Did Kylie even know it was Halloween? OHHHHH BURNNNN.

tbrady

Gisele and Tom Brady putting giant skeleton bobble heads on with a regular outfit is lazy and lame.

heidiklum

HEIDI KLUM MUST BE STOPPED. DO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH LESS.

kperry

Katy Perry as a mic drop. This is actually a clever idea until you have to reenact it 100 times for people to get it and then you have a concussion.

hilhil

I know Hil can do much better than a basic betch black cat.

paris

Right, so this is what warriors look like?

nickjonas

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shirtless costumes only in the future, pls.

BEST

Anne looking pastel puuurfect as a unicorn.

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Coming to America🎃

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HOW SASSY IS BLUE THOUGH?!

The classiest woodland creatures I ever did see.

Mario Lopez’s kid is the cutest little smush and they nailed Elvis & Elvis Jr.

Allison looks EXACTLY like Belle.

Authentic shit, right down to the climbing. If Shawn was my fiance I’d climb him like a tree too.

I’m embarrassed that I went as Sandy last year because Gigi swept through this year and took a big dump on my version of bada$$ Sandra Dee.

Sophia Bush perfecting Pulp Fiction

The possibly engaged couple as polar opposites. Mesmerized by Jeets’ face as the devil.

Lebron going as Prince and taking the stage for an impromptu show seems really out of character for him.

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🦁

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Girls’ already got one hell of a mane.

Not as good as last years caveman in the flesh but still pretty great.

Hot damn! 2000’s Jess is making a comeback.

kardashsuperhero

I just wanna snatch P right up. I won’t…but I want to.

coltonhaynes

This is Colton Haynes. He doesn’t normally look like this. Respect tha hustle here for transforming into the largest and most disgusting creature in Disney villain history.

ninadobrev

Nina Dobrev bitch facing as Posh.

yonce

Don’t you ever cross Queen Bey or she’ll come at you like this.

kelly&michael1

kellyripa

Kelly Ripa’s got a knack for pop culture costumes, IMO.

michael strahan

Michael Strahan as Cookie. FIERCE.

joshduhamel

Josh Duhamel with a gap tooth.

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I’m always pro-T.Swift costume.

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GMA hosts Robin Roberts & TJ Holmes take on the Lyons.

AishaTylerYonce

Bionic hand seals the deal for Aisha Tyler

miranda

Miranda Lambert and co. as the Rockford Peaches. Where Marla Hooch at?

ellen kardashian

Ellen DeGeneres created her own character, Karla Kardashian, who is the reject of the clan and only wears hand-me-downs. Bonus points for originality although we know how I feel about drawing more attention to the Kardash fam.

therock

This seems like an approps costume for someone who naturally has gunz on gunz.

sarahyland

If you have a hot bod like Sarah Hyland it should be mandatory that you go leather bodysuit for Halloween.

jalba

Always jelly of celebs who can get their hands on legit wardrobe for pop culture costumes.

ginarodriguez

Gina Rodriguez shows off cute and cozy.

demi

YAASSSSS TRAP QUEEN.

pink

Pink looks exactly like lil Drew Barrymore.

nicolerichie

Nicole Richie doing up the Nightmare before Christmas creeperoni.

nph

NPH is the family costume magician every year.

channingjenna

His and hers cat in the hats for one of my fave couples

chrissy

Chrissy Teigen as Guy Fieri is perfect and gave her an excuse to do douchey things. I’m all for a costume that lets you get away with being a more obnoxious individual.

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