Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Don’t Be Like Arie

Blakey-Face

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Per Bachelorette tradition in Thailand, Becca takes Blake to the sacred temples, where they cannot touch or kiss, WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY THE HARDEST THING EITHER OF THEM HAS EVER DONE. Not trying to bone each other for like a half hour is rrrrrlllllyyyy difficult. Ugh. New couples are the WERST. They learn about true love from an actor pretending to be a religious affiliate because something tells me the actual Buddhists of Thailand weren’t looking to become reality TV stars in America. Just a hunch. Afterward, Blake brings it up that he can’t ignore the fact that she’ll be having sex with others the very same weekend. Becca reassures him that they have the most solid relationship (liar liar pants on fire.) Literally all they talk about before and after the sex is how insecure Blake is. Props to Becca for not slipping and telling him she loves him like a dummy, making it much, much worse. Girls are so much smarter than guys—cough cough Ben Higgins.

Gordon Bombay

jason

Becca and Jason dance in a street fair because they’re ADVENTUROUS. They eat CRICKETS and pretend to LIKE THEM! But then the date takes an unexpected turn and I’m not talking about cricket-induced diarrhea. Becca has a nervous breakdown and leaves Jason to vent to a producer. She said talking about their future home together made her feel weird. Seems pretty clear cut what’s happening here but obviously it gets dragged the hell out. At dinner, Jason tells Becca how much he loves her and she leaves the table once again to cry about how it doesn’t feel right. When Becca finally returns to dump him he says are you confident you don’t see a future with us and she goes I’m not confident, I just see it more with the other guys. YIKES. Go home, Jason. That’s rough. He tries to fight for more time and she gives a hard no. Jason’s a stone cold gent and wishes her happiness, no tears or dramatics. I’m pretty sure Becca cries harder than when Arie dumped her, which seems like a little much. She also compares herself to Arie, which is even more than a little much. Girl. Arie dumped you on TV after proposing to you and then wouldn’t leave and just awkwardly watched you cry. Don’tchu ever compare yourself to that hot mess. He also has a real problem with making pregnancy jokes about his future wife, which is alarming at best. Find a new practical joke, A-Money. Becca, you’re better than this.

Chriiiiiiiis Farley

Garrett and Becca stand on a bamboo float and are surrounded by 100 million other people doing the same thing. I tried paddleboarding for the first time a few weeks ago and if there were that many people around and watching me I would’ve just spun right around and immersed myself in the sand instead. Although, if we’re being honest there were quite a bit of people out and I was too scared to stand up so I basically used it like a kayak so I wasn’t judged by the fit-mom doing headstands while singing Moana on her board. FTR, that story was not exaggerated and I wish it was.

Garrett’s biggest fear is being engaged or married again and having it not work out. Gr8 thing to tell a girl a week before you’re expected to propose. After a super long and boring conversation (sry I still can’t with him), Garrett tells Becca he’s in love with her. They bang stay over in a jungle tree house. If the person I was going to marry ever made me camp out for our first romantic night togets, heads would roll. Becca tells us that she’s in love with Garrett too. HMMMM. Garrett blows the most awkward kiss ever to Becca and won’t stop bobbling his head. GAWD HE’S ANNOYING.

treehouse

Jason comes back for closure because he left WAAYYYY too easy. It’s basically just a longer version of what already happened before. And he gives Becca a scrapbook of them. What a prince. If princes had stupid hair.

Since I spent a good amount of time shitting on Becca’s dumb-ass sparkly club dresses all season long, I would like to throw some props her way because Thailand agrees with her. The florals, tie-dye and even her red off the shoulder dress at the rose ceremony. ON POINT, GURL. Almost makes up for her 8 episodes of Vegas showgirl getups. Also this rose ceremony was as useless as this entire episode was. Solid two hours of filler TV. So glad I could be here for it. Garrett does a QUEER ass toast at the end that literally just pisses Blake off because he’s not the only one in love with her. Off to the Maldives next! But first, douchnozzles tell all~~!

PS: since the leg wrap jump has become a prominent thing this szn, let’s analyze. She jumped into Blake AND Garrett’s arms and tried to crawl up inside of them, but Jason just got a hug–feet firmly planted on the ground. We should’ve known right from the start of that date that ole Slick was doomed.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelorette – She’s Not My Person

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Becca wants to move to the Bahamas. Becca is all of us. Except for the part where she gets paid to go there and mack a bunch of dudes. In the Chris and Becca weekly gab sesh; Becca declares that she wants no drama this week. Something tells me there will be drama. Chris Harrison does a dumb analogy about Las Vegas and betting even though they’re in the Bahamas and he asks Becca to bet on the outcome of this journey. She bets she’ll be engaged. No shit.

Becca drops in on the boys and requests hugs from all like she’s picking up her kids from school at the end of the day. She announces that there will be four dates and no rose ceremony so BUCKLE UP. Colton’s up first, which gives the remaining butthurt bruhs plenty of time to talk shit about the Coltmaster being a virgin and how he should go home. Meanwhile, Becca drools all over Colton’s body for like a solid amount of time. Girl needs that D. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a female openly slobber that hard in Bachelorette history. Just when Colton’s going to confess to his chastity ring, a Bahamian wearing a white crop top cut like a paper snowflake you used to make for your bedroom window, interrupted to send them diving for conches, which HILARIOUSLY sounds like COCKS.

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A bunch of terrible sexual innuendos follow. It pains me to think that whoever writes these scripts actually thinks these are funny. LOLOL Colton’s a virgin so let’s have the two of them make some cock jokes and slurp something as an “aphrodisiac”.

FINALLY, Colton spills the beans about his lack of sexual activity. Becca appears to not take the virg news so well by saying, “REALLY?!” then excusing herself for a second to fake cry about it (?) When she returns (offering no explanation as to why she ran away) he talks about how hard it was being an athlete and a virgin. Boohoo. He wants his virginity to be a gift for someone. Becca wants to accept that gift so she gives him a rose. If I were Colton I’d be like wait a minute you just made me feel like a piece of trash by walking away when I confessed something embarrassing so I don’t want that rose. But Colton is dumb and so is this show. Also not for nothing but I’d stay woke on this whole virginity thing. Colton’s got charm and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not 1 hundo percent true.

 Love is in the Air with Garrett

They fly over the islands and Garrett is annoying. I’m sorry. I just really don’t like the guy. And I’m willing to bet he wins too. They make out a lot on a private beach and fornicate on a tree swing. Later, Becca toasts him and says thanks for a great day, I have fun with you and Garrett replies you’re really good at that. What’s she good at, Garrett? Forming sentences? Turns out the last girl who met his family was his ex-wife and he hasn’t really dated since then. Becca is like we’ve had the same romantic history basically and roses him.

You Make My Heart Skip a Beat with Blake

HOT start to this date with the return of the Baha Men’s greatest hit Who Let the Dogs Out….who.who.who.who. Oh apparently they’ve got a new song! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? Blake and Becca dance awkwardly as only white people can to island music with that much flavor. If we’re being honest this new beat’s got nothing on a song comparing letting dogs loose to the start of a party. I am hashtag grateful that the Baha Men were able to come out of retirement for this d list free concert for TV. WHAT HAVE THESE CRAZY GUYS BEEN UP TO FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS?!

baha

Anyway, Blake opens up about his mom having an affair with his bball coach when he was in high school. YIKES. Reminds me of that show Life As We Know It, which obviously got cancelled, but starred early 00’s babe sodas Missy Peregrym and Sean Faris. Spoiler alert: he finds his mom sleeping with his hockey coach in like the first episode. Then DRAMA ensues. Anyway, look it up. That show is 1 trillion times better than this one. It also had a PRETTY steamy teacher student affair. Dirty stuff for primetime TV. Jus sayin. Anyway, Blake is in love with Becca and I’m pretty sure he was the first to say it. OBVIOUSLY he gets the rose and Becca admits to us that she’s also in love with him and sees him as her husband. Took it one step to far Bex, don’t get ahead of yourself here with 4 guys left.

These Days Are Never Easy with Wills, Leo and Jason

The guys run at Becca who is wearing an all denim whoutfit. Who has been dressing her this season? Because I’ve had enough. There’s never a need to wear matching white shorts and denim jacket with white sneakers. Thankfully the jacket is ditched for a friendly game of beach volleyball with the whole gang. She’s having a blasty blast but we all know how this is going to go. She’s friend zoned Wills and Leo and Syracuse.com spoiled a home visit with Jason roughly 4 months ago. Leo says he feels behind on the relationship front, and Becca spins the breakup making it sound like it was his fault for being honest. Goodbye you beautiful man bun. At night, Becca gets frustrated with asshole Coach Bombay for not opening up and telling her he’s falling for her like everyone else has. He feeds her some bullshit about being hurt before. Wills wears the hell out of a Hawaiian shirt. Wish he could’ve come to my Hawaiian themed birthday party. Him and the Baha Men. Could’ve been a real rager. Wills gets sent home but we know he won’t be lonely for long because he’s adorable and dresses well and is super sweet and oh ok as I was typing this sentence it was announced he’ll be on paradise of course. NEXT WEEK: HOMETOWNS and more Colton/Tia drama that no one saw coming except everyone did because there’s clearly more to that story. TOLD YOU TO STAY WOKE ON COLTON, GUYS.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I Was Gonna Open Up

Full Discloszh: I missed the first hour of last week’s episode and rather than somehow make it up to write the recap, I decided I had 0.0% desire to do that. SARRRYYY.

becca

Richmond, VA

This bum ass town is apparently known for love. Cause they have a statue that spells out love. Becca sits down with Chris Harrison to tell him she has baby fever and is already feeling love. (Say love again.) One step at a time, girl.

Life is full of surprises with Jason

I was shoving ravioli in my mouth and when I came to, I realized that Lincoln and Chris were bitching at each other about body shaming. I have no clue what was happening or how this started but I do know that everyone hates these two and they’re shouting at each other as they’re basically touching thighs on the couch. It makes no sense. How can two men be so heated, but still be rubbing limbs casually? EXPLAIN IT TO ME.

jason

Jason and Becca’s date is basically a Mad Libs. They bake donuts in a church, make out in a coffin and kick it with a bunch of Goths talking about death. This date BLOWS. Becca’s got the hornies for Jason’s kisses. I was just about to shit all over Becca’s terrible surprises but then she actually stepped it up by bringing his friends out to meet him. Becca gets really deep with slick’s friends. She’s like is he a good partner and they’re like yeah.

Later on, Jason basically tells us that his grandparents are Allie and Noah Calhoun and how inspiring it was to watch his grandma go through that and how it makes him more appreciative of life. Becca opens up about her dad taking his last breath. Yikes that got real, real quick. Jason gets rosed because they connected on a deeper level. Tongues.

Let’s Make History with Colton, Blake, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, Chris

The boys have to do a mock debate in the Beccalection because Becca is looking for her “running mate.” BLOW MY BRAINS OUT. They’re put on the hot spot for relationship questions. All of the guys that we already know are making it to the finals give practical answers about puppies and love. This week’s villains that we most certainly don’t need use the debate to shout at each other about fat shaming again. GIVE IT A REST, BOYS.

chris

Just when I think we’re done with a history lesson lurking in my weekly binge of trash TV, one bored cameraman decides to focus on the creepy paintings in this random house. Every few seconds our retinas are treated to a super zoom into a pair of dead oil painted eyes on the wall. While this is giving me nightmares, Becca is hearing that Chris is a loose cannon and he denies it. Then goes downstairs and blasts off all over everyone, loose cannon style. WHO’S LYING AND WHO ISN’T? Who cares, just mute the TV and feast your peepers at Connor rocking nerdy, sexy, chic in those glasses.

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Garrett’s mad because he was gonna open up to her and everyone F’ed that up for him. Becca watches them all bitch at each other but pretends she didn’t. Colton gets the rose for literally no reason.

The World is our Oyster with Leo

The minute Leo got a date card I guessed he was going home. Then they hugged and all of the moisture was sucked out of Becca’s vagina, I assume by the radiating lack of chemistry. Becca is emotionally drained, which I feel like she’s trying to blame for not being sexually attracted to a guy who has the same hair as Slash. He does rock a sick man bun though. I’ll give him that. They grab oysters out of the sea. Becca keeps saying that she should like Leo but none of us missed her dodging her head away at one point when he tried to kiss her cheek.

oysters

At dins, Becca wears a dress that Forever 21 sells right around NYE for hoochie girls watching the ball drop at a club, blackout smooching a stranger while Aviici (may he rest in peace) bumps over the speakers. Leo talks about being a failure in his dad’s eyes because he didn’t pursue baseball. He tears up and Becca comforts him. In an actual twist of events, Leo gets the rose. Seriously does she even enjoy kissing him? OMG IS THAT A COUNTRY STAR PERFORMING THEIR LOVE SONG THEY WANT TO MAKE BIG AND THEN OMG IS THAT LEO AND BECCA DANCING IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE? Becca. Burn that dress. I’m embarrassed that you wore it to a country councert, staged or not. A bunch of 13 year olds grind up on the two of them awkwardly and whisper to Becca that they really like her dress.

Connor and Jason talk about how volatile Chris is while he writes a letter and according to the background music, plots a murder. Apparently Becca doesn’t feel safe enough to even stay in the same hotel as creepy Chris so he has to walk across town to find her, uninvited. Chris menacingly walks the streets in his camel colored pea coat and matching suede booties. He tells Becca he wants to marry her and she’s like nah, I’m good. Cameldick stomps out and doesn’t let her walk him out or say a proper goodbye. Becca feels great about sending him packing as she should because he was acting like a total psychopath.

All the guys take turns regurgitating scripted lines about how important cocktail parties are, which obviously means Chris Harrison will announce that it’s cancelled. Try to keep up.

Roses: James, Colton, Leo, Garrett, Blake & Wills

Don’t worry everyone, Connor and his trendy specs will have a ticket to Paradise and that is the most obvious.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – It’s All About Becca

squad

HEY GUYS WE’RE BACK! As if this wasn’t enough of a ratings ploy, we kicked off the after show by watching THE EXACT SAME THING WE ALREADY WATCHED. Yanno, in case it wasn’t already hammered home that Becca got dumped, why not watch it all over again? Then we watch her fly home (coach) and sit on her couch looking at pictures and videos of her and Arie and sob. It’s almost like producers handed her these things and then turned cameras on…

Meanwhile, Arie is on a direct flight to Virginia Beach to get Lauren back and “have a panic attack” outside of her house. She obviously 100% expected him as she jumped into his arms and told him it was so hard being rejected that she moved back home with her parents. Must be nice to quit your “job” over heartbreak and move back in with mommy and daddy. She asks why he didn’t propose to her and Arie said it was because he saw a flash of doubt in her eye once and basically picked Becca because it was the safe choice and she seemed like she’d make a great wife. Could this guy BE a bigger asshole?! Apparently not to Lauren, who basically writhes all over him and demands the ring pronto tonto. PS Arie also tells Lauren he’s 1000% over Becca, like 3 days after dumping her. So that’s nice. Glad he has feels.

Now we’re back to the “live” portion, or as it quickly becomes evident, fluff on fluff on fluff. Not sure how Kendall, Bekah, Sienne, Caroline & Tia became the Peanut Gallery of this year’s finale but they’ve gotten more screen time than Becca herself and it’s getting REAL annoying (I’m looking at you Bekah, trying to stretch that missing girl, big chandelier earring, fame as far as it will go.) Chris brings the Spice Girls down to ask them what they think of all of this, individually, the question phrased differently each time. Lemme save you 25 mins, they all think Arie’s a douchenozzle, Becca is queen and dodged a bullet and Lauren better GET OUT QUICK.

bekah

Becca’s trucked back out to show everyone that she’s still a babe and she’s doing just fine, and to reassure the world that airing her breakup in full shouldn’t make us all irrationally angry. Once she confirms with Chris that it’s totes ok for producers to exploit her life and she signed up for this, Chris is like GREAT, let’s joke about it-check out these billboards, HAHAHA. Becca offers to donate all the drink money everyone’s been venmoing her and Chris is like YES WE WILL MATCH. Not for nothing but it sounds like Chris Harrison is speaking from a guilty conscience here after facing a little TOO much backlash on night one.

BECCA, ARIE LUYENDYK JR.

Becca gets her moment to face Arie and be the bigger person (cough cough because she’s being preened to step into Bachelorette) and all I wanted was for her to say, “First of all, how dare you?” Instead she forgives him and Arie is still a bumbling idiot who stutters, “I do regret regret proposing that day.” Becca responds that he robbed her of her first engagement and proposal which is SO true but like stay in this franchise and it won’t really matter in another year, girl.

In other useless television, Jason Mesnick and his 100 year old People cover that was once “SCANDALOUS” are also trotted out to waste even more time. Chris Harrison continues to make everything about himself saying he received threats after what they aired. Something tells me Chris has never faced a second of disapproval in his life and he’s really struggling with it. He would like Jason to comfort him.

Lauren and Arie come out next to try and get us all to like them again. It doesn’t work. Chris tells Lauren, “I can’t even imagine what’s going through your mind right now.” And she says, “Me neither.”

 

I want you to let that sink in for a minute.

 

This is the most truthful thing that has ever been said on this whole season. Literally not a thought in Lauren’s brain and she FULLY admits it. You’re so pretty, Lauren. Keep up the good work.

LAUREN, ARIE LUYENDYK JR.

They reveal that their romantic story continued when Arie slid into her DM’s on New Year’s Eve. If I may borrow a favorite word from Lauren, WOW! WHAT A LOVE STORY. Lauren gets dumped for another girl, then they’re reconnected in the lush forest of DM’s. HOW much do you wanna bet it was after Lauren posted a babe soda I’m doing better than you selfie? The HAPPY couple is about to head out of the country and stay off of social media because everyone obviously hates them and also that’s what two people who don’t have jobs do. After they return, Lauren is moving to Arizona probably because she’s living with her parents right now and also because in this ass backwards franchise, the girl ALWAYS uproots her life and moves to the guys’ home city, which is preposterous, among many other things of course. Arie tries to sell everyone on him and Lauren like its a piece of real estate (see what I did there?) and not a living, breathing, relationship. Then he takes the opportunity to propose in front of an audience that is NOT having it, in the most staged and disingenuous way. I didn’t think anything could be more cringeworthy and tone deaf than him knocking on the bathroom door while the fiance he just dumped sobs and asking if she was ok AND THEN THIS PROPOSAL HAPPENED. What a joke. Obviously Lauren says yes, Chris Harrison wishes them at least one month more than Arie’s previous engagement and literally not one person in the audience gives a shit. PS you bet your bottom dollar I had my eyes glued to the TV to see if it was the same ring. How dirt city is it that Arie just 100% weaseled another free ring out of ABC/ya boy Neil Lane? I mean it’s not shocking at this point, because everything Arie does is terrible. BUT STILL I’M MAD ABOUT IT.

Oh, and also Becca is the next Bachelorette BECAUSE OF COURSE and we kill more time by asking what all her “BFF’s” (the peanut gallery) think of her being the bachelorette and then she meets 3 or 4 (honestly I don’t remember) of the guys from her season right onstage and it’s awkward and weird and NOW WE ARE FINALLY FINISHED WITH THAT WANKER ARIE! Thanks British contestant, who will only last longer next season because of your accent, for pointing that out. Can we all take a moment to laugh at the fact that Arie came out of this show looking like a total troutsniffer, no one even cared about his proposal and the finale was all about how flawle$$ Becca is. That makes me very happy. Now accepting over/unders on Lauren and Arie’s relashe. Something tells me escaping to another country to avoid a media shitstorm ISN’T A GR8 OMEN.

 

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – “I’m not like, gonna hug you goodbye.”

Meeting the FAM!

Arie tells his dad that he’s in love with both girls and his dad replies, “good luck, buddy!” Lauren meets the gang first. Arie just wants Lauren to speak today around his family. That’s pretty much all he’s hoping for. Lauren is concerned she’ll have another broken engagement, Arie is concerned he’ll be in another relationship where his significant other is a mute. That sums up Lauren’s viz.

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Next, everyone in the fam talks about how much they loved Lauren and how they pre-judged and hate Becca without giving her a chance. Mama L tells Arie, “I love Lauren but I also love Becca.” And Arie is like WELCOME TO MY LIFE, BETCH. Arie Sr asks Becca if her and Lauren get along. WHY DOES IT MATTER? He says they’re both nice and he’d be fine with either choice. What a dick. The fact that Becca’s entire visit has been about Lauren is a foreshadowing like no other. Surprisingly, the family casts their votes for Becca because she’s independent and can hold her own and not take any shit from Arie. Whereas Lauren seems like a baby bitch who constantly needs reassurance and to be pulled out of her shell. I’m paraphrasing here. But it sounds like Arie feels like he should be with an outgoing girl but always ends up speaking on behalf of his girlfriends and wanting to take care of them. So basically he was hoping his parents told him it was ok to be with Lauren, and when they didn’t say that he was like well, fuck.

Machu Picchu with Lauren

ARIE LUYENDYK JR., LAUREN B.

Arie and Lauren talk about how lucky they are. Honestly that’s all I took away from this date. Basically Arie is looking for each girl to prove that she’s the one for him and it’s not gonna happen. So he’s just jabbering on and on about why he loves her, looking for reassurance. At this point in the episode I grabbed a handful of peanut M&M’s from my candy dish on my coffee table and for fear of getting the colors to rub off on my clammy hands, I set them down on the couch but they kept rolling around, so I instead pulled out the front of my oversized Bayside Tigers sweatshirt and created a little pouch as a holding tank for my candies so I could toss them down the hatch one by one without having to reach so far. Telling this story and laughing out loud about it is 1 ZILLION BILLION TIMES MORE INTERESTING THAN WATCHING THIS DATE OR 5 HOURS IN TOTAL OF A BACHELOR FINALE. Later, Lauren tells Arie why she loves him and how she’s so ready and unafraid of their future together. They talk about how they both envision drinking coffee in the morning and taking the dogs for a walk. Neither of them say where that will be, which seems like KIND OF an important detail for people from two different cities. But they love each other so much and that’s that.

Baby Alpaca with Becca

BECCA, ARIE LUYENDYK JR.

They try on drug rugs, go to a petting zoo basically and Arie spends the whole time comparing Becca to Lauren. What a dink. (Side note: taking one girl to see an amazing landmark and another one shopping at a farmers market should be illegal.) Later Becca confesses that she’s afraid of and threatened by Arie’s relationship with Lauren. Arie stutters don’t worry, just think about us. But like also says he’s feeling conflicted. This is a foreshadowing like no other. Becca presents a scrapbook to Arie that she made with a long message about her dad dying and pictures of all their dates and room for pictures of their baby. YIKES THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY. The biggest takeaway here is why is Becca still using her last initial to sign the scrapbook this far along?

In between commercial breaks, we’re treated to Chris Harrison gathering a smattering of kicked off contestants and dum dum bumbling bachelors past to offer their one sentence input on what we’ve seen so far. I wonder if when the show pitches 5 hours for a finale, they’re like we’re just going to ad lib for about a collective half hour with whoever will agree to appear. GREAT TV. It did give us this gem though…

Who knew Ben Higgins was funny?! Learn something new every day.

Arie picks out the ring probably not knowing who the hell is gonna be wearing it and does not have the common Bachelor(ette) courtesy of letting the loser down easy the night before or that morning so they don’t get all dolled up to get dumped.

Lauren is the first out of the limo and history is not on her side with that one. Lauren’s whole speech is about how she had her guard up because she was scared but in reality she loved him all along and can’t wait to love him forever. Arie says something has been holding him back and he can’t go through with it and he can’t explain it. He walks her out and Lauren goes, “Why did you do that?” and Arie says he didn’t know until that morning. Bullshit. In her car ride home Lauren questions, “how can you get down on one knee when you weren’t sure like, 3 hours ago?” Valid question, Lauren. VALID QUESTION.

Becca then emerges from the limo and we still have AN HOUR left. COME ON. I’ve now resorted to reading an actual book during the show and looking up every few minutes to see if I’ve missed something major. Becca’s speech is about how comfortable she is with Arie and how easy their relationship is. Becca gives Arie confidence and his love for her is immeasurable. He thinks about their kids and growing old together and he chooses her for every day for forever but wait…does he? The both celebrate and say it’s just us now! And talk about having babies. This is so totally cringeworthy and we haven’t even gotten to the “uncut breakup” yet.

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Chris steps in to tell us normally this is where the story ends BUT NOT TONIGHT. And we’re brought into the weeks after the proposal where Arie tells the camera that he wakes up every day thinking about Lauren and feels as though he’s made a mistake. He talks to Chris Harrison first of course, because ratings and says he’s made up his mind and wants to pull the switcheroo. Becca rolls up to an Air B&B expecting a romantic couples getaway in LA and she’s about to be dumped on camera. Not for nothing, but it should be a HUGE red flag that the proposal has happened and there’s still a camera crew following you around and asking you for confessionals. How is it possible that Becca is not suspicious of this? I feel like she’s gotta be more woke about this having just been on a reality show for that many months. Regardless, we’re then treated to like 30 mins of uncut exploitation of a girl getting her heart curbstomped. It’s excruciating. There’s literally no other way to describe it. Arie tells Becca he wants to see if there’s something still there with Lauren and then quite literally will not leave after he tells her he doesn’t want her. Becca says she’s done, goes into the bathroom to sob her face off and Arie’s like hey how’s it going in there? GET. LAWST. BRUH. He forces her to sit down and talk again because he’s the worst 40 year old human with grey sonic the hedgehog hair on this planet and finally after she tells him for the bazillionth time to leave, he gets the hint and peels out in search of a future full of “wow’s.”

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Cut to Becca onstage with Chris watching this brutal slaughtering once again with a live audience AS IF SHE DIDN’T ACTUALLY LIVE IT. Her and Arie haven’t spoken since the filmed breakup. And Chris is like well  do you want to see him? Because he’ll be on this stage tomorrow live and we’ll continue this WHOLE CHARADE! I hate everyone.

PS I’m interested to see what Lauren thinks of her current boyfriend telling the girl he proposed to (Becca) that he saw absolutely no future and had to force it with the girl he’s currently dating (Lauren.) Hey Arie, once it’s said on TV, it’s forever, baby.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – The One Where Ross Surprises Becca

After last week’s lead off with Arie and Kendall stuffing dead white mice in a creepy warehouse full of animal skins, I contemplated not only giving up on this season, but giving up on this trash ass franchise as a whole. Instead, I gave myself a break, didn’t subject myself to the hometown visits or the women tell all and I’m back at it for the final 2 episodes feeling rejuvenated after watching about 10 zillion hours of One Tree Hill in the past week. I’m ready to finish off this season with minimal interest and stories about myself. No need to update me on what I missed because it can be summed up in 30 seconds. Tia is gone, Arie still has 0.0% chemistry with the remaining plain bagels and apparently Krystal decided to start using her real voice once she saw how much America hated her. Ok, let’s bop to Ica, Peru for the final three smash suites.

Kendall

K-money laces up her hiking boots that match perfectly with her crop top. EYE. ROLL. It’s fitting that the girl who wears a crop top on every date is being questioned if she’s ready for marriage. Arie mauls her face in the middle of a desert and says that he missed her. A guy drives them around sand dunes and they act like they’re on a rollercoaster and giggle a lot. Kendall isn’t ready to get married so this is a GIANT waste of time. Déjà vu to hawt Peter from last season shooting himself in the foot in the same way. Kendall wants to know if Arie sees her as a wife in spite of the fact that she likes to manhandle dead animals. He answers by kissing her and inviting her to the fantasy suite. Kendall takes this time to give us a 20-minute speech as to why she’s decided to bone him. If this is any indication, we’re 15 mins into the ‘sode and already filling space. BUCKLE YO SEATBELTS.

In the morning, Arie said they were up all night talking. Ya, ok…TAWWWLKKKING. They discuss about how they each like their eggs and all I can think of is Date Mike and it’s more entertaining than anything that has ever happened on this show.

date mike

Lauren

Real talk, does Lauren have a pulse? Because honestly the only time I’ve seen these two bozos together there’s just complete silence. WTF is their relationship? Basically Lauren is just terrified and Arie only knows how to say yeah. Arie spends the evening portion of the date reassuring Lauren and convincing her that she should be there. He says he loves her and obviously she doesn’t say much back because she’s basically a mute. For the record, “Don’t cry, I love you” is probably one of the ickiest sentences ever uttered. Lauren says from the beginning her and Arie have had this unspoken connection. Um, could it be because they actually don’t speak to each other? A shitty version of Leann Rimes “How Do I Live” plays as Arie and Lauren make out then find their way to the bed. So apparently we’re watching an episode of a 90’s teen soap now. How do I live through another episode of this, amirite? The next morning, Lauren says, “I can’t see Arie ending up with anyone else but me.” KISS OF DEATH, LAUREN, KOD.

Becca

Becca hasn’t said she loves Arie yet and she’s decided to hold onto that tidbit until later in the date. Someone should tell Becca that Arie already told the mute he loves her. Time to catch up or get off the catamaran. She finally grows a set and tells him. He says back that he’s also in love. UGH WHAT A DUM DUM. When will these bholes learn that girls who are insecure about you dating other girls at the same time WILL NOT BE OKAY WITH YOU TELLING MULTIPLE GIRLS YOU LOVE THEM? The answer is obviously never. Arie says he wants to propose to Becca right now and end it. So like, does he actually love Lauren orrrrr?

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In attempts to stir up any sort of drama and wake us all up, Becca’s ex Ross shows up at Arie’s doorstep dressed for a summer wedding. Arie goes “why is hotel management here?” Sick roast, Air-y. Ross tells Arie that Becca is the love of his life and he wants to marry her. Becca hears him out on the front steps of her bungalow before she promptly tells Ross that life isn’t like the Notebook. Wait, so you’re telling me Ryan Gosling will not build me a house and wait for me to find him then make sweet, sweet love to me in it? Well let me just go kill myself real quick. Either way, Becca is not having it. Especially when Ross says he talked to “that guy” whose name he can’t recall. That’s when she really lays down the hammer. Ross, you done goofed. He says he wishes her the best and has no business being here.

idiot

(PS he’ll be insta-famous by sundown tonight.)

Arie is concerned that someone he’s about to propose to has too much baggage named Ross. Good thing he kept his options open by saying he loves and sees a future with two girls. At the rose ceremony, Arie pulls Kendall aside to talk to her and break up with her in the most uncomfortable way possible. He basically thanks her for that amazing night of “talking” and then says he doesn’t know. We all know, Arie. Even Kendall was like yeah I get it, thanks for the memz. If Kendall ends up Bachelorette and we’re in for a whole season of animal carcass touchin, you can count me ALL THE WAY OUT.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – On the Precipice of Falling in Love

Tuscany

Jacqueline is at a point where she feels like she could make the decision to fall in love.

Jason-Segel-Oh-Honey-On-How-I-Met-Your-Mother

Let’s Fall in Love Under the Tuscan Sun with Becca

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They drive an old hot rod into town and Arie shows us he sucks at Italian when he orders a loaf of bread. On their picnic, Becca reassures Arie that she likes him and is here for him. WHY?! He should be reassuring you instead of giving you literally nothing and speaking shitty Italian!

Later, Becca reassures Arie more by saying she’s falling for him and wants him to meet her family and he’s like thank you, here’s a rose. I really genuinely like Becca and therefore I hope that she doesn’t end up with Arie. She does make me doubt her choices when she takes her shoes off outside to make out with Arie against a wall.

In subplot that makes me go WTF this week…Jacqueline cries to Kendall that she has doubts about how feasible this relationship is. But really, she’s using words like feasible and precipice to decode if she likes Arie or not. Go home, Jacqueline, you’re drunk. It’s aggressive that this is made into a do or die storyline but I guess this is what happens when your only villain gets kicked off. Jacqueline goes to Arie’s room, swigs his wine, rubs the back of his head and tells him she’s not confident in her feelings for him. After one date, Jacqueline doesn’t want to be married to Arie and living in Scottsdale. Then she grabs his face so hard and kisses it, I’m actually afraid. We are witnessing the worst part about this show. Put a bunch of women on TV to fight for a guy’s affection and let all of their relationship insecurities run wild. WOOF. Not for nothing, but I noticed as J was manhandling Arie’s head that she’s wearing a claddagh ring facing inward. So like, maybe go home to your boyfriend. Either way, forcefully making out with Arie, sobbing, and incessantly touching her hair isn’t helping her create feelings for this dud, so she bids the pack adieu.

This Looks so Italian! with Lauren B

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They ride bikes and Arie shows off by standing on his bike probably trying to get any sort of reaction out of Lauren. She smiles and says nothing. Stop trying to kill yourself to impress Lauren, it’s never going to happen, Arie. Over some native ‘za, Lauren expresses that Arie would be the first guy introduced to her parents since her ex fiancé. Pressure’s on. Little bambinos kick the soccer ball at Arie to interrupt this incredibly awkward convo and Arie’s like HEY, LET’S JOIN THESE STREET CHILDREN WITHOUT AN INVITE. As my friend Kristi pointed out, Lauren then has to play soccer in a strapless bra, which is pretty much the worst thing that could happen in Italy, or like anywhere

At dinz, Lauren B says she’s starting to fall in love and Arie literally just peaces out. Like gets up and walks away from her. I’m secondhand mortified for LB. The first time she speaks more than 4 words and he’s like BYEEEEE. One time a guy in a bar walked away from me and when he returned he admitted that he farted and needed to take a lap to air it out. Upon Arie’s return he said he needed to walk away because he’s falling deeply in love with Lauren. It’d be much more acceptable if he too needed to walk upwind of his gas. MAJOR BACHELOR FAUX PA. Remember when sweet, dumb, unlovable Ben Higgins told two girls he loved them? That went real well. Jus sayin.

Pups in a Winery with Seinne

Blah, blah, blah, Seinne is WAY TOO good for Arie and therefore this date is super pointless. They make heart shaped pizzas, which is a perfect segue for me to tell a story about myself (again.) When I was studying abroad in Florence like the white privileged basic betch that I am, I learned how to put away an entire pizza, plus a lot of Carlsberg beers, plus a lot of kebabs. Most importantly, I learned that if I went to Gusta pizza and the boys made me a heart-shaped pizza, I was looking like a dime that day. If I came in hungover and unshowered, I could expect a regular ass circle pie like the human garbage that I was. Bottom line, I hope Seinne appreciated that heart shaped pizza. Mi Manchi, Gusta. (Yes, I Google translated that because 3 years of Italian and a semester in Italy and I retained absolutely nothing.) Also, of course Arie sends her home. All the girls are so shocked, especially the elf on the shelf/Bill Cosby/Gilligan/Fat Albert/Jeopardy Guy, etc.

 

The Other Three “Date”

Arie says, “Ciao, Ciao, Ciao” giving me hard flashbacks to when every creeper Italian on this earth would shout Ciao Bella at me in a rapey way. Bekah is not having a great outfit episode. She goes from her triple XL red sweater with a white collared shirt to Little House on the Prairie. Tia has concerns for Arie wanting to be called Daddy by a 22 year old who dresses like a monk and what that might mean for her relationship. Credit where credit’s due though, Tia also tells Bekah she talked mad shit. Bekah sobs and runs right into Arie’s arms for cuddles & comforts and possibly a quick lullaby. After she calms down, Arie wants to know about her family because he knows they disapprove of this process. Bekah chooses not to disclose that her mom disapproved so much that she reported her own child missing. Bekah says she’s getting white hairs because she’s like, so old. No…really. And then, OUTTA LEFT FIELD, Kendall gets the first rose!

An outfit change later, Bekah tells Arie, “Have a little faith in my 22-year-old self.” She gets sent home. Arie cries about not seeing their lives together but also because he really, really wanted to bone Bekah.

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