Television

Emmys 2017 Recap

I used to do a recap for every awards show ever…in fact I think I had to physically stop myself from watching and recapping the Kids Choice Awards. That was where I drew the line, apparently. It was a very fine line. I recapped funny things that happened, or I would critique how the host did UNTIL Trump was elected and Hollywood decided that every awards show should be their personal political platform. It’s cool guys, you have your opinions and you want to share them when everyone is watching, it’s whatever. The problem HOWEVER is that for someone who doesn’t follow politics (this guy) awards shows have officially become over my head. Their jokes, their jabs, the over-exaggerated bits–everything flies over this dum dum dome, and therefore HOW CAN I RECAP A SHOW I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND?! So to my true hardcore fans–I apologize for the lack of content. I genuinely don’t think awards shows are funny anymore because I’m not in on the joke. That being said, I’ve picked 5 things about the Emmys that WERE entertaining, JIC you also tuned out after the first five minutes of a song saturated by political commentary.

1. The Only Trump Joke I Laughed At. Obviously every late night host has perfected their Trump impression and Stephen Colbert hosting was a precursor to a whole lot of political nuances that I was prepared to zone out for. But then he read this tweet:

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And panned to Seth spitting up marbles. I actually burst out laughing. It’s the simple things that get me, really. What a great bit. Colin Jost’s casj straight face really hits it home.

marbles

2. Anna Chlumsky is the new Taylor Swift.

I’ve never seen a more overdramatic over-reactor since Taylor Swift owned the audience cam at every awards show ever. Anna puts asses in the seats when it comes to facial expressions. Half the time I didn’t even know something was supposed to create emotions until I looked to her face for guidance. She was shocked, she sobbed for no reason during an acceptance speech & she pulled a full range of weird faces while onstage during Veep’s acceptance, just trying to find the right one. Do 1000% less, Anna.

3a. RIGHT ON THE KISSER.

I missed this happening live and was so happy that it was on twitter within minutes. God Bless Twitter. HOW can you possibly kiss your co-star like that right in Keith’s grill piece? That’s some cold shit, Kidman. Like I get that you guys had a real, shall we say, intimate acting experience together–but like NOT a good look to make out on live TV. If I were Keith I would’ve popped him right smack in the middle of that stupid ‘stache he’s rocking. My friend and I sat there with baited breath through Nicole’s acceptance speech to see if she would even thank Keith because obviously we were convinced just from that kiss that she’s having an affair. Cheating is bad but like maybe Nicole sleeping with her costar is what Keith needs to clean up that hairstyle that he’s had since 1997. It’s such a horrific mom cut and it does not belong on his head. Just saying. This could be beneficial for all. BTW she did gush over her hubs and called him “my Keith” so I guess she wins back points for that. BUT I HAVE MY EYE ON THE SITUATION.

3b. Nicole hates Reese.

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Big Little Lies was my draw to the Emmys this year. Each year I watch one thing that’s worthy of awards and BLL was my golden ticket this time around. So I was extra interested every time they were on screen, especially because they made such a giant deal about all being women and how GROUNDBREAKING it is that women are lead roles in Hollywood, which I feel like has been going on for some time, but whatevs. I knew that they all couldn’t be besties like they kept blabbing on about so I waited for the weak moment and I didn’t really need to search hard for it. Nicole was up against Reese for lead actress in a mini-series and when she won, she kissed that husband of hers (at least it wasn’t Alex this time) and bolted up to the stage at lightning speed. Reese was sitting DIRECTLY BEHIND HER. All it would’ve taken was a quarter turn and fake butt-out hug but she didn’t even give her that. BURN CITY, Population: Reese Witherspoon. Then she starts her speech with  “Reese, I share this with you.” Do you though? And then proceeded to have a 15 minute speech that the DJ didn’t DARE play off. Suddenly Nicole Kidman is a power player? What is going on here.

4. The Pearsons are REAL.

I may be biased because Sterling K Brown delivered my favorite speech from last year’s Emmys but I also feel like he deserves a shout out because they played him off the minute he opened his mouth last night–yet let Nicole Kidman talk for an hour and a half. AND THAT AIN’T RIGHT. Before they literally cut the camera away because he kept talking over the music (KEEP PLAYING, BITCHES) he thanked his This is Us family “You are the best white TV family that a brother has ever had.” That just warms my heart. THEY’RE A REAL FAMILY, YOU GUYS.

5. Oprah.

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I don’t know if I just haven’t been paying attention lately now that Oprah is off TV, just living somewhere soaking in her riches from the OWN network, but girl has dropped an ENTIRE PERSON in weight. She’s got some sassy dark frames and she looked like a real babe soda last night. CBS knew it too. They plopped her front row center so that everyone had no choice but to admire the O. Even John Oliver thanked her in his speech because “she’s sitting right in front of me and it seems inappropriate not to.” Everyone bow down to Skinny Ope. PS White is NOT slimming so it’s even ballsier for her to wear that whoutfit and still look SAP.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Crusty Lashes

Breaking news: Juan Pablo is married. Are we supposed to care about that? It was literally straight crickets when Chris Harrison felt it was necessary to pop off the finale with that announcement. Wasn’t he like the most hated bachelor ever? Not to mention there are no pictures, no exclusive interview, nothing. From one fellow scoopee to another, if you’re going to share news that no one gives a shit about, at least jazz it up with a pic. Hot start to wasting our time.

In a SUPRISING AND DRAMATIC twist, Rachel has to watch the finale live with Chris Harrison and a studio audience then face the rejects. Clearly grasping at straws for anything they can do at this point to spice up the final three excruciating hours of this season. Unfortunately rather than this being spicy, it basically just means that we watch Rachel tell us about her feelings and reflect on each experience on the show, then the camera cuts to Rachel telling us about her feelings and reflecting on each experience. BUT IT’S LIVE! Spoiler alert: Rachel still thinks each moment was “tough”. At least she looks like a babe soda.

Back in Rioja, Spain…

Rachel and Peter decide that since they’re both falling in love they should just pretend the engagement disagreement never happened. Peter gets the key to her vagina for the night. Good choice, Rachel. I approve.

Rachel and Bryan take horses through the vineyard and stare at each other a lot. Later he tells her how much he loves her and is in love with her forever and ever. He gets the booty card. The next morning he says, “We’re back on track, the chemistry is hotter than ever.” We get it, you boned.

The LAST Rose Ceremony

Rachel makes a speech about how she didn’t come here for a boyfriend, she wants that proposal. ***Laser focused on Peter**** It’s all for nothing though because she says goodbye to Eric. GURL. Why even make that speech? She tells Eric that she loves him but she’s not in love. It’s weird how I almost called Bryan and Peter as bottom two in like…the second week. OH WAIT I DID.

Over in fluffland at the Hollywood studio, Eric comes onstage and he’s like super graceful and thankful for the experience and not bitter at all. SOMEONE is looking for that Bachelor spot. The rest of the conversation between him and Rachel is completely forgettable, at best. What’s not forgettable is his new facial hair that is doing things for America. We see you, Eric.

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Hot Air Balloon Ride with Bry

The two make out in the sky and later Bryan gives Rachel a Spanish dictionary called “Bryan and Rachel’s Spanish Dictionary.” Basically he took a Spanish dictionary and put a piece of computer paper over the top of it like a book sock and wrote wife, husband, forever and “Big Rach” in the front cover. Hey Bryan, if you want her to pick you, maybe don’t call her Grande Rach. Like ever.

Church with Pete

They go to church to scare Peter further about marriage. Just kidding, they talk about saints and shit. Then that sly motherfucker of a monk is like will you become…how you say…married? And Rachel is like NOPE. Yeah this date will help things along. Peter is just wondering “about life, love, and everything in between.” And THAT is what we call scripted reality TV. I don’t care how much we all crush on Peter (A LOT), there’s no way he came up with that on his own. He then lists all the experiences he wants to have with Rachel like paint n sip and the farmers market. Yes, that’s called dating.

Later, he says he knows he’s in love and sees forever with Rachel but he’s not ready to propose. They repeat the same argument and both stand strongly in opposition. Peter’s like fine, I’ll propose if that means we can be together. And Rachel is like if you don’t want to, don’t do it. SHE WANTS HIM TO WANT TO PROPOSE. Could this be a more typical argument? Anyway, I think I blacked out for a little bit because I just figured they’d work their way through this and suddenly they’re kissing goodbye and Peter is ripping his JCrew sweater off to sob into it. Mmmm, muscles.

Chris Harrison rudely interrupts this to call it a breakup. I don’t know if I was just being naive but I 1000% thought they were just like let’s sleep on this and that Peter was going to bounce back the next day. I almost cried my eyelashes off with this jarring realization that they’re dunzo. (And my eyelashes are real…not to brag.)

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Peter makes an appearance in the hot seat and to say it’s pReTtY awkward would be the understatement of the century. I guess when I blacked out Peter was like you’re going to have a mediocre life without me. Kinda bitter but like Rachel sass handing him and telling him she’s living her best life was also unnecessary. GIRL DON’T YOU TALK TO PETER LIKE THAT.  Since Peter will obviously want that Bach nod, Rachel declares this process isn’t for him in attempts to curbstomp that dream. Rachel is literally every woman ever after a shitty breakup. I’M LIVING MY BEST LIFE BUT YOU DATE OTHER PEOPLE ON TV AND I’LL CUT YOU. PS let’s not gloss over the fact that Peter says he walked by Rachel’s crusty lashes stuck to the floor for two days, and thought about what he’d done. #ROMANCE. But seriously, clean those up. That’s disgusting.

PS do you think Bryan is about to hang himself by the curtains backstage listening to this? He could not more clearly be the last resort choice.

Back to the show–Rachel feels like she’s rushing it with Bryan after she loses Peter. BECAUSE SHE’S STILL IN LOooOVE WITH PETER and WISHES HE WOULD PROPOSE TRALALAAAAAA. During the proposal that was given away basically at the top of this three hour pile of steaming garbage, Bryan repeats the dumb Spanish line he said the first night…to bring it full circle. Then he also creepily says their first kiss was like a chemistry bomb exploded. Aaand apparently we’re also bringing it full circle to Bryan being gross. Rachel is like my heart is confused but I love you so much and I see my future in you. Yep this is everlasting love, folks. Also: pear shaped ring. Wuph.

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During the “After Show”, Bryan re-proposes to further remind us why we all hate him and they tongue smash each other onstage mere inches away from Chris Harrison. HOW CAN HE JUST SIT THERE AND WITNESS THAT WITHOUT TOSSING HIS COOKIES?! The couple that everyone definitely hates is considering moving to LA. WOW what a shocker. Rachel says, “We just want to live a normal life and get to know each other and spend time together.” Cough cough, EXACTLY WHAT PETER WANTED. Whatevz. Enjoy your month of press before your inevitable breakup, guys. You deserve nothing but the best.

*Editors Note: If the next season of this show is as unwatchable as these past two have been I’m officially declaring myself #done with this franchise. I’ve given it a fair chance. You hear this ABC? Clean it up or The Salty Ju is OUT.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Black History 101

MTA

If Men Tell All was treated like a Comedy Central Roast it would put asses in the seats. Just sayin. 2 hours of people continuing their fights we’re already bored of and apologizing for acting like total bholes on TV (to further their acting careers) is a waste of all of our precious time. With all the racial tension this season we really could’ve used some well-written jokes and Chris Harrison acting as the Jeff Ross of ABC to bring the house down. Just kidding, Chris’s only joke all night was about how they beefed up security for this taping and by that he means he’s been lifting weights. Get off the stage, Chris.

The dais consists of: Jamey, Diggy, Blake, Iggy, Anthony, Lucas, Fred, DeMario, Alex, Jonathan, Lee, Jack Stone, Josiah, Will, Matt, Kenny, Adam, Dean

I regret to inform you that Jack Stone doesn’t utter a peep all episode…not even a glimmer of that serial killer stare. Why even show up?

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Jack Stone may have gotten a full name intro to not even speak but Alex and Dean showed UP with their printed jackets and I’m here for it. Adam, I’m NOT here for your wool jacket and what looks like hummingbird printed shirt.

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Jonathan waved daunting tickle hands upon his introduction and there was a literal chill down my spine. I better not see his ticklers grace my screen ever again unless he’s part of a true crime doc. Whaboom gave us nothing other than a whaboom. DeMario unfortunately did the same. Nice try, DMoney. Your rep in the Bachelor franchise is cheater and alleged rapist. You can’t whaboom that out of our memory, try as you might.

Speaking of DeMario, he was first to be questioned by Chris for that little thing where his ratchet ex-gf called him out Maury-style. DeMario claims that Lexi is beat, wanted to be on TV and was just another mouth to him. Did he say that specifically? No. But he did quote a Weeknd lyric and straight up call her a side chick saying they never took pictures together so there’s no actual proof they ever dated. What a class act. I think at one point he compares himself to Bill Clinton? I’m guessing because he also completely denied banging some strange. What a world we live in. Hey DeMario remember when you ‘sploded all over Britney Spears like a total dweeb? The internet doesn’t forget. Whaboom guy gives DeMario daps and says he supports him. Apple, meet tree.

Kenny takes the hot seat to tell everyone that he wanted to establish a friendship first with Rachel, essentially admitting that he completely friend zoned himself. Then of course we jump to the Kenny vs. Lee feud for basically the remainder of the show. Everyone backs Kenny up and says he’s smart and calm and kewl. Lee admits he never was pulled out of a van aggressively and apologizes for never taking the high road or being a good friend. Read: Lee regrets being a real BIIITCH. Probably because everyone hates him and thinks he’s a giant racist and stuff.

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You know how 90% of this season as been filler? Yeah well this special is no different. Out comes Mackenzie, Kenny’s teenage daughter who has absolutely no place on this stage unless they’re looking to court her into Bachelorette of 2028. Kenny cries again. Does Kenny just like cry at the existence of his daughter? Cause this is starting to be a little much. If my dad cried every time he saw me I’d be like ok bro, pull it together, you’re embarrassing me. Mackenzie seems pretty chill with it though, especially because that wizard Chris Harrison surprises her with a trip to Disneyland for Kenny’s birthday. Is he serious? Just granting Disney wishes left and right? What can’t this man do? I honestly hope the producers didn’t even plan it. I want to live in a world where Chris Harrison has the power to be like hey go check out Disneyland and then producers have to scramble to make it happen. Realistically they were all probably like, let’s try and look heartwarming and make headlines about Disney and family values instead of the KKK.

Lee the snake has his time to shine when he takes the hot seat and tries to squirm his way out of being a terrible human being. Since Lee is obviously a con artist who is certainly racist but doesn’t really want to be confronted about it on TV so he turns heel and apologizes for nothing whatsoever, let’s talk about wtf is going on with Dean’s hair? He stands up to make some strong points but I don’t even remember what they are because I can’t stop looking at his weird part situation. It looks like he got an uneven haircut. Fire outfit, garbage lettuce. Can’t win ‘em all.

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The real hero of this sode, once again, is Mack Daddy Chris Harrison who’s all, let’s toss those racist and sexist tweets up on the big screen, hmmmm? Josiah descends upon the stage to ask why Lee would go on this season and be a racist MF’er. Lee responds, “I don’t like racism at all.” SOLID rebuttal. Interestingly enough, DeMario, who said Lee and him were dawgz like 10 minutes earlier, leaps out of his seat to teach Lee a lesson in history “1-0-fucking-1.” I would’ve killed to have DeMario clap between shouts about the KKK and NAACP. Mostly I’ve just wanted anyone to actually clap in between words like a fiery emoji-filled tweet. This seemed like an ideal time to do so.

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After the commercial break, Chris Harrison is like let’s review this tweet one more time. Anyone want to act it out? Shall we put it on a marquee lit up next to a headshot of Lee? Seriously CHarrison is the bee’s knees. Everyone wants to know WHY Lee is sorry (cough cough, admit you’re racist.) He doesn’t because this whole thing is bullshit and I refuse to address it anymore. Rachel lays into him even more when she comes out. Lee is a troutsniffer and will always be. That is all.

Fred gives a cringeworthy scripted & definitely practiced speech about how he knew and loved Rachel before he even showed up on the first night and will love her and be happy for her from afar forever and ever (while probably staining his yearbook and camp photos with salty, salty… tears. Were you thinking I was going to say something else? Pervs. JK he’s probably doing that too.) SKINSUIT ALERT. Beef up your security, Rach. Or just like, never go to your high school reunion…or home in general.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Hola Familia

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Rachel’s home visit is early because he sister is about to poop out a baby and Rachel needs her sis to judge her boyfriends before that happens. I feel ya girl. HOWEVER, Rachel’s super famous judge father CONVENIENTLY isn’t there. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….

Peter

Peter and Rachel stop at a baby store first to pick out a gift for the newest family member on the way. Peter tells Rachel he is falling in love with her because he hadn’t said it before and he could tell Rachel was NOT feeling confident with that. At family dinner, Peter gets suuuuupes emosh and tells the whole fam that he can’t imagine life without Rachel. Everyone creams their pants at this romantic manifesto. Except for me, because I know there’s no way Peter wins this thing. Why, you ask? Well Peter tells Rachel’s mom that he will not be asking for her dad’s blessing because he wants to make sure he’s ready when he does ask. He basically just wants to date Rachel. Rachel’s mom is like cool because her dad wouldn’t have given his blessing anyway. Bottom line, Rachel ain’t gonna like this very reasonable approach to a completely unreasonable television dating experience. Most importantly, the GOAT Copper makes an appearance. Where have you been, buddy? It looks like his paw is fully healed so there’s really no excuse as to why he hasn’t accompanied the gang on every traveling adventure. I call bullshit.

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Eric

Eric reminds us that he is a child who’s basically never dated or met the fam. His last relationship was only 8 months long and it was 3 years ago. Rachel’s sister is like um, no. Eric asks Rachel’s mom for her blessing and he’s like however you answer will not affect my actions, basically. Bro, don’t tell your girlfriend’s mom you lived the playboy life for years and that you’re gonna propose regardless of her blessing. His closing line for a family home visit is: “Peace and love. You’ll be great.” Oh, ok.

Bryan

Bry kicks off the visit with a little brunchy brunch to meet Rachel’s friends. Apparently we’re not the only ones shocked that he gets a friend hang as well as a family hang because he shouts Oh WOW fifteen times on the way to the restaurant.

He charms the panties off her friends just by saying he’s ready to settle down and how he’s not about playing games. But then he walks out cocky AF saying he won the friends over. When he meets Rachel’s family he spends a solid 5 minutes gushing over his mother and how much he loves her and how she’s the #1 woman in his life. It almost seems a little TOO weird. Rrrrred-red-red flag. That’s all I’m gonna say about that. Rachel’s mom is like your wife should be ranked above your mother, JUS SAYIN. I appreciate you, Kathy. Keep asking the tough questions, it’s TIME TO CRACK CHEEZY BRYAN. Even her sister steps in on truthing Bryan’s real feelings and I almost cheer at my TV. If Rachel’s family can singlehandedly take down Bryan in one dinner, they deserve all the awards. Rachel feels like she’s being attacked by her family and her orange-head bro in law steps in to tell Rachel she’s being too emotional and needs to take a step back. I would’ve drop kicked by brother in law if he told me how to talk to my mother. I kinda wanted to drop kick Rachel’s brother in law but I think that’s mostly because he just kind of has a punchable face and gets on my nerves. Not as much as Bryan does though, he tells Candace that he already feels one with their family and Candace is like we are not one with you. Rachel may have been all about Bryan and his Colombian tongue bathing her face the first time they met but the family is not falling for his BS. Mamma Kathy tells Rachel she’s uncomfortable with the word love at this point and it’s very obvious she just hates Bryan because she was down with love after 6 weeks with both of the other gents. Bryan doesn’t ask for a blessing, he just plans on doing the damn thing. Bold.

La Rioja, Spain

Bryan kicks the soccer ball around with little Spaniards. Peter wears khaki shorts and makes me question why I’m throwing my support behind him.

 We Out Here with Eric

Eric and Rachel “explore” AKA they go sit on a cliff and chat. Rachel asks what he learned about her from the hometown visit and his reply is, “you don’t really need much but you need everything.” It’s safe to say he Michael Scott’ed that one. Started a sentence and didn’t really know how he was going to end it. He tosses more words around, with the buzzword of the conversation being ‘strong’. Eric pretty much knows nothing and is really just trying to coast his way to a couple other countries and some more screen time at this point because he’s clearly not ready for marriage especially not to an independent WOman.

At dinner, Eric lists all their special times together through the journey if we count him listing cities and things as special times. COPENHAGEN. HOT TUB. WORDS. Rachel pushes him to complete a full sentence and he’s like I appreciate how much you challenge me. He tells her how happy he is and how he’s in love with her. It’s almost as if he knows that’s the password to the fantasy suite. Eric milks it for all its worth, doing a dramatic reading of the come into my bedroom card (THAT IS THE SAME EVERY SINGLE SEASON). I’m surprised he didn’t stand up and act out every sentence. Quit while you’re ahead, Eric. He’s shirtless the morning after. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Besos with Peter

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The vineyard owner talks to them in only Spanish and they pretend to understand it all. Peter doesn’t pretend that hard when he just about nods his head off. Then vineyard man awkwardly sings at them and gives me all the uncomfies. Can you imagine someone standing 2 inches away from you singing right in your grillpiece in a different language? That sounds like a nightmare. One time I was front row at open mic night and a comedian went up there to try some poorly written material and I wanted to die probably more than he did. Obviously I do well with social situations. Either way I’m sure it would’ve been appreciated if producers tossed some subtitles at these two as they were clearly struggling with this language barrier. They get a key to their “own” wine cellar AKA a cage with a temporary whiteboard tag attached to it. Production value was low here. Then, during their super serious conversation about marriage, a stray child lurks in the corner and suddenly that means it’s time to have a family grape stomping sesh. Perfect timing to bring back the best grape stompin ever created. (Hey, I gotta do something to liven up this dirt.com show/blog)

Per family tradition, Peter gives Rachel a cork from today and asks her to write a small novel on it about their day. It’s sweet but like their initials and a heart would’ve sufficed. Back to the hot topic at hand…Peter is NOT getting down on one knee at the end of this. Rachel speedy Gonzalez didn’t come on this show to find a boyfriend, she wants a huzzzzband. And Peter would only like to get engaged once and not ya know, just for TV because there’s pressure to. PRETTY NORMAL. They can’t find a common ground on this issue, which is like the whole show, so it’s not looking great. Rachel is devastated and obviously it’s to be continued.

I don’t think I need to say it but since this season is so bad I midas whale…these bottom three are DUD city and there’s no way any of them is right for Rachel. You’ve got a guy who clearly isn’t ready for marriage and has had like one college girlfriend, a guy who literally said he will not be proposing at the end of this and a guy who might just end up marrying his mother. Sick season. Since I’ve had such a terrible season to work with I hope you can forgive me mailing it in on every single one of these blogs. Just watch the old lady reporter screaming OW OWOWWWW over and over again and it’ll make it better. See you next week for Men Tell All where we are sure to see Lee get called a BITCH.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Marry the Family

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Baltimore, MD with Eric

Eric shows Rachel the Inner Harbor and then is like LoLz I didn’t grow up in this area and instead points out drug deals on the way to the court for some ballin. Question: if you’re caught on camera dealing drugs and it makes the cut for a network television show, is that enough evidence for an arrest? Just wondering. Mad respect to Rachel for shooting hoops in her heels. They were chunky heels so it wasn’t preposterous but like don’t try to be a hero, Rach. Suddenly out of nowhere, Eric’s BFF shows up to read a script about how proud of Eric he is and describe him as a positive ray of light and role model to all. At the end of his speech he disappears because his work here is done. Eric is a star amongst jailbirds, we get it.

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Rachel is also the first girl he’s brought home so the pressure is on. Eric’s fam is at a hotel because hometown visit really means rent out a conference room staged as a living room. Eric’s family is dressed to the nines in ball gowns and sparkles. Within the first five minutes the whole crew does a coordinated dance in excitement. I cringe the MOST but Rachel is living for it. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Eric’s aunt immediately loves Rachel and conducts a 20/20 interview about what it’s like being the first black bachelorette and how everything is going. She seems cool AF. On the other hand, Eric’s mom basically tells him that she raised him to be strong and independent and bury his feelings and he couldn’t have gotten this opportunity without that. UM?? Eric tells Rachel at the end of the night, “Like damn I really love this girl, what I mean is I really care for you.” Because love apparently doesn’t mean caring, so we needed that clarification. Rachel loves it so much and re-quotes it to the camera. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard but obviously girl is swept off her feet for Eric, so whatevs.

Miami, FL with Brian

I’d rather watch Rachel do the Carlton with Eric’s family 1 trillion times than see Bryan suction his mouth onto hers ONE MORE TIME. Brian sits down with his mom and she outs him for being a real manwhore. She’s like you’ve dated every girl on this planet, like you’ve traveled the world to bang some strange and you fall in love on a TV show? I call bullshit. YA, we all do. Momma tells Rachel that Brian is her life, in a very threatening way. Can’t see why his ex girlfriend didn’t like her. At the end of the night, Bryan, wearing an ombre red golf polo (hard no) tells Rachel that he’s falling in love with her. Or at least that’s what she says. I’m 100% confident I did not hear those words come out of his mouth. Regardless, we’ve gone yet another week with Bryan’s smooth talking and deep tonguing and we still don’t know why he’s middle aged and single and his only relationship story is about his girlfriend not liking his mom. MAKE IT HAPPEN, ABC.

Madison, WI with Peter

Peter introduces Rachel to some of his friends, specifically to show America that he kicks it with black folks. Not just A black friend, EIGHT black friends. #DiversityDay. Not only is he completely blatant with this group hang but also apparently he’s bragged to Rachel that 80% of his friends are black. So that’s how you win the girl. His bros tell him not to F it up even if he’s terrified of getting engaged, which he is.

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At his family’s house, Peter goes where do we start? And Rachel proves that she has a script for every home visit when she goes FROM THE BEGINNING! (for the third time this episode) Pete snuggles up with his niece and Rachel is all PUT A BABY IN ME! Same, girl, same. Peter’s mom says he’s ready for a commitment but maybe not a proposal and Rachel is not liking that even for a minute. WHY DON’T YOU WANT A NORMAL GUY WHO CAN’T PROPOSE TO A GIRL AFTER A FEW WEEKS?! Chill on it. He says he’s very happy but you can tell that’s not enough for Rachel. She wants that L word. (I assumed Peter would be going home but really was just too focused on getting to the main event to really be sad…Dean’s father.)

In the Woods (Colorado?) with Dean

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After one too many teasers, I waited in anticipation all episode for the big reveal that was Dean’s family. It starts out with Rachel calling Dean her “beautiful surprise” which is a pretty weird nickname, tbh. Then we get to the good stuff. Dean announces that his father was traditional growing up but now is a “Sikh of some sort” and has given himself the name, “PARAMROOP S. KHAHSA” (My friend googled it for me, so that’s the real deal.) You know when you introduce yourself to someone and they say their name once and you have literally no clue what collision of letters that could be so you ask them to repeat it and when they do there’s still no hope so you just smile and say nice to meet you? Yeah that’s pretty much Rachel’s reaction to Dean giving her this information. She’s like ok cool haha so what should I call him? And Dean is like Paramroop. And I suspect that’s the exact moment she decided to not open her mouth unless spoken to at this family event. BTW, dad’s name used to be Chip. So that’s quite a transformation.

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Upon arrival, Paramroop with one stink eye and eyebrows brushed up to the sky, makes everyone lay down while he plays the gong. Dean pretty much wants to leave this earth from embarrassment. Not even just from his dad gonging out hard, but probably also from the fact that his whole family is sitting in a circle and acting like they’re all besties and haven’t gone years without talking. There’s a gift of feathers in honor of Dean’s mother who passed and then they are fed a dinner of mung beans.

Dean doesn’t eat the bowl of dirt and lies that he’s stuffed from all the air he ate before the visit. Then I can no longer make fun of this date and all of its weirdness because Dean confronts his dad one on one and it’s mostly just sad. Dean expresses his feelings of abandonment and not feeling supported after his mom’s death when he was only 15 and his dad is like yeah I was a real dick but whatevz. Apparently he was a workhorse, which BEGS the question of what P-Dawgz did in his former life. Did he have a career in finance that somehow led him to Eat, Pray, Love find himself a life of sitting on the floor in shades of Lavender and discussing his chakra? The world may never know. Just kidding. The Internet exists. I WILL find out. The convo does not end well. Rachel tries to talk to P-Money and he basically asks her to leave because it’s so uncomfortable and his son clearly hates him. Dean says he’s falling in love with Rachel as they roll around on Dean’s dad’s collection of sitting pillows. BE MORE RESPECTFUL, GUYS.

Rachel talks the dates through with C Harrison because he hasn’t felt useful in a few episodes since the rose ceremonies have been deleted from our regular programming. Chris Harrison’s job is to literally name each man and ask what Rachel thinks about them. Then he asks what she’s gonna do. That’s why he gets paid the big bucks.

Rose Ceremony

Bryan, Eric, Peter.

Dean just isn’t ready for the next step like Rachel is. Also his family is a bunch of selfish assholes. Fortunately, ABC announced his spot on Paradise weeks ago so we know he’ll be fine.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Still Cutting Dead Weight

Moving our way up through the vacation locales, we’ve arrived in Geneva, Switzerland after a glorious Bachelorette free week. It was ABC’s birthday gift to ‘Merica. Rachel’s gift to these men is telling them at the beginning of the episode that there would be no rose ceremony, thus leaving them to their devices to put their heads together and figure out who will not benefit from this little switcheroo. Cough cough, the only two left that no one remembers the names of, we’re all lookin at you. Seriously though, my dad watched the first five minutes of this episode because I bribed him with a chocolate ice cream bar and the first thing he said was who are these two guys, they’re both ugly when it showed Matt and Adam strategizing on the patio. Classic Dad roast. He’s not wrong though.

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Rich People Stuff with Slobbers McGee

Bryan gets to drive a Bentley around town for a little Swiss watch shopping. Rachel’s all, I love to take care of my man, and Bryan’s all, I’m gonna tongue dive all over your face while we shop for expensive jewels. What a couple of douchers. Bryan calls a watch “a forever gift” (ok.) and is close to bursting into grateful tears as he thanks Rachel for his new timepiece. Rachel can CTFD on pretending for a second that she paid out of pocket for two Swiss watches. Cut the bullshit, girl. Your TV show paid for this trip as well as this date and all gifts included. They will also pay for your engagement ring that you will end up having to give back. NICE TRY THOUGH.

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At night we learn that Bryan’s last serious girlfriend dumped him because she didn’t like his mom or something. Rachel is like I can’t wait to meet your mom here’s a rose followed closely by my tongue. They eat face while violins play.

During this suffocating date, back at the hotel, Dean’s like alright, this jabroni is 37, lives in Miami and has had a lotta time to learn how to smooth talk his way into a lady’s drawers. TRUTH BOMB. #TEAMDEAN (or #TEAMANYONEBUTBRYAN)

Put on your Sunday Best with Dean

Rachel takes Dean to church and not in the way Hozier sings about. So, Bryan gets to drive a Bentley and get blinged out, Dean has to sit through a mass all in French. SUCKKKSSSSS. Church in foreign countries blows big time. I went in Italy and basically got booed out of the joint. It didn’t help that my friend who came with me was wearing what she wore out to the bars the night before. But either way…it’s God’s rule that when you’re worshipping Him, the people around you shouldn’t be judgmental AF. NOT UP IN HERE! Not only did the heffer in front of me act like I was a carrier of SARS during the sign of peace but she also seatblocked me after communion and the entire congregation sounded like they were auditioning to be the phlegm in a Mucinex commercial. In the words of myself, in an email I sent to my father from Florence in 2012 complaining about how mean those turds at the Duomo are:  “Then mass ended so that we could go in peace and learn how to be asshole Italians who treat others poorly in the house of the Lord.” Why did I tell that tale of how Italy is the home of the Pope but they’re the least welcoming Catholics on this planet? Because it’s infinitely more interesting than anything that occurred on this date. HEYYOOOOOO.

Later, Rachel tells Dean that this date sucked. Hey, maybe don’t expect a trip to french church to do anything BUT suck. But either way, Dean confesses that he acted like a weirdo because he doesn’t want Rachel to meet his dysfunctional family who peaced out on him when his mom died. Rachel takes this very obvious “I don’t really wanna be on this show anymore” as an invite for a hometown date. CAN’T W8!

We’re at the Peak of our Relationship with Peter

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Rachel and Peter fly up to Glacier 3000 for a dog sledding adventure. Speaking of dogs WHERE THE F HAS COPPER BEEN THE LAST 4 EPISODES?! Other than watching puppy wuppies run in the snow and Peter’s beautiful cover-ready mug getting more screen time, nothing about this date is particularly noteworthy. Except for the fact that Peter’s most recent girlfriend never met his parents and they just grew apart. He tells this story really dramatically even tossing in the “I watched her crying in my rearview mirror as I drove away” for a pretty low-key breakup. No one died, no one was sick; no one was cheated on or beaten with a high heel. Grow up, Peter. Rachel feels like Petey’s not ready for the ole proposal, probably because he cried over dumping a girlfriend once. She gives him the rose anyway.

Difficulty with Eric, Matt and Adam

Rachel greets the three losers and they all say “THERE SHE IS!” in different tones. Real original. They take a boat to France. Eric’s not afraid no more. Real sentence that dribbled out of his mouth. Rachel sobs to Matt about how he reminds her so much of herself. Is that why the guy who wore a penguin suit the first night to cover up his balding head is still around? Rachel is like I’m crying because I don’t want to meet your family, goodbye. I’m pretty sure the first time they’ve ever kissed was when she was giving him the boot.

Later after Matt (?) is bounced, Adam says, “there she is” in a careless whisper and WOULDN’T YOU KNOW THERE RACHEL IS!!! He takes her aside to tell her about his family and how much he loves her or something I don’t know. He brought a dummy of himself on the first night that was terrifying. He cannot survive one more week on this god-awful show. Eric gets the rose, thankfully. Only a few more weeks everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Goodbye 3 Hours of My Life

This tweet sums up last night as a whole. It is NEVER necessary for the Bachelor to be 3 hours long, especially not when it’s the worst season that’s ever aired on TV. And while I’m ranting, WTF APRIL?! HAVE YOUR G-D BABY. Three weeks is FAR too long for us all to watch you eat hay, shit and nap (see Corinne, giraffes nap too!) GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD.

But anyway, let’s pick up with Raven who high fives strangers and skips around Finland to a poppy soundtrack after she O’s. Or that’s what the producers would like us to believe. There’s no WAY Nick got the job done. And while we’re on the topic of Nick, let’s discuss how stupid he looks in a winter hat. With the baby hairs sticking out the front and the way it sits half on/half off his head, he looks like a real wiener. These girls have to be drying up just at the sight of winter Nick.

Rachel

Rachel is falling in love with Nick but cannot be trusted with her judgement because she’s wearing a crop top in Finland. Rachel asks Nick, “ do you know where you stand with me?” and Nick says “not entirely” so they’re really in sync as a couple. She tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him and he says 100% samesies. No seriously, he used the FULL percentage in reciprocation. Seems like a pretty dumb thing to do with someone that you’re OBVIOUSLY sending home. So he’s continuing his streak of blind sighting girls. They spend the night togets and obv Rachel makes herself vulnerable (wink, wink). She also doesn’t take her choker off when she sleeps which is CRAZY. Who can sleep in a choker? These are the biggest things I took away from this date. Penguin onesie and CHOKER.

Vanessa

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Vanessa & Nick wear matching icy blue swimwear and do a polar plunge basically in a little pool outside a cabin. Sounds ssssssuper fun. Nick spazzes out all over the joint and looks like an R-worded dinosaur once they get back inside to warm up. Then they do it again. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF THIS DATE? If anyone ever suggested this as a date to me I’d be outta there. Vanessa’s really getting shafted on this show. Plus she has to look at Nick’s stupid winter hat situation for the entire time. They hit the hot tub to warm up and ask each other if they’ll last after this show. The answer is an obvious no. Nick will not leave this country to live with Vanessa and her tight-wad family. Why? Because he’s proud to be an American. Barf all over me. Now that Nick’s faced with the decision of moving to another country for a girl he doesn’t love, suddenly he’s Uncle Sam. Okkkkk. Shit starts to get too real too quick so Nick keeps telling Vanessa that they’re just too similar, which is a bitch ass way of saying that he doesn’t see a future with her because later on he says hopefully we can “figure it out and accept our differences.” HOW CAN YOU HAVE DIFFERENCES IF YOU’RE SO SIMILAR? HMMMMM, NICK? Riddle me that.

Rose Ceremony

Nick cries big sloppy wet tears because that’s what he does best and sends Rachel packing. Could’ve done without this tearful goodbye, tbh considering we know Rachel will be just fine. She’ll have her tongue in 26 other guys’ mouths in no time. Time and tongueing other men on TV heals all wounds, is what I always like to say.

WOMEN TELL ALL

I’ve always loved the concept of the Women Tell All epi because what could be greater TV than tossing angry, rejected women into one room and then trotting out the man who dumped them? Unfortunately, it can also be a disaster in the form of catty bitches just shouting at each other about one little thing, Housewives reunion style. That was the case this time around with the Taylor vs. Corinne saga. And let me be very clear, I’m #TeamCorinne. Everything else is white noise–like for example Elizabeth and Lacey, who painted on their best faces and showed up ready to yap at every opportunity. Who are either of these ladies? The world may never know.

womentellall

Hey does everyone remember Liz, who slept with Nick then surprised him on the show and he didn’t remember sleeping with her? Well she took last night as an opportunity to get up on her soapbox to tell everyone that it doesn’t matter who you bang in your past, it shouldn’t define you. Which, like, true, but not necessary to make a feminist manifest over slutty drunk wedding sex. Also, you still have a tattoo that takes up your ENTIRE back. People don’t forget.

Taylor then takes a page out of Liz’s book and declares that people in the helping profession shouldn’t be shamed for helping people. WHAT? Everyone basically boos her off the stage. Corinne gets up mid- Taylor sob sesh to get herself a cold glass of champs. Amen, sistah.

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After Corinne is properly hydrated, her and Taylor have a LITERAL battle to the death of who napped and when and how long their nap was and did they have a blanket and I want to drill a hole in my skull. Corinne would just like everyone to know that she was fucking tired. Same, girl. Same. I’m especially tired of Chris Harrison repeatedly asking Taylor why she’s getting emotional and her response being “I’m just so overwhelmed.” Maybe if you didn’t act like such a seaward everyone wouldn’t overwhelmingly hate you. Then the audience is treated to Raquel’s cheese pasta, which spoiler alert: is  just plain pasta with shredded cheese on it. I would’ve put that directly in the trash where it belongs. There’s only one cheese pasta that’s acceptable and it’s called Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (SHAPES ONLY).

Kristina gets the “hot seat” to re-tell her story that we just watched in full in a recap and Liz rips that spotlight away immediately by sobbing in her chair and turning it into another feminist rant. Liz would like us all to stop fighting about naps and think about how Kristina could have been forced into prostitution. Again, valid point but like stfu, Liz. Let Kristina tell her story. We get it, you’re all friends except for Taylor and Corinne and Liz would like us to know that she builds wells in foreign countries instead of sleeping with bachelor contestants at a made for TV wedding. (Don’t think I didn’t notice how you had one of the other girls slide that factoid in, LIZ.)

liz

Finally Lispy comes out IN THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR and Lacey wants to know why he only talked about Josephine when he was with her. WAS HE FRIEND ZONING HER? Lacey, he had no idea who you are, just like the rest of us and if he chose to talk about the girl dressed as Sarah from Hocus Pocus while on a date with you then you need to reevaluate your life.

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DLo still isn’t over being dumped and “asks a question” aka just sobs and says it was unfair how Nick broke up with her. I mean, Nick is quite literally the worst at dumping girls but realistically what did these B’s expect? He says sorry (ish) and everyone pets DLo so she stops crying so much.

Rachel comes out and everyone praises her as the new Bachelorette and I actually fell asleep when she was talking. Next season should be F-U-N! Here’s to another 3 hours down the drain next weeeeeekkkkk weeeowwwwweeeowwwwwweeeeeee!

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(I think I’m getting Bach delirious.) Also, Rachel if you’re going to be the next Bachelorette you’re going to have to do better than an awkward one sleeve dress. PUH-LEASE.

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