Movies

Ranking Mary Kate & Ashley’s Movie Boyfs

Like many of my 90’s counterparts, I grew UP on MK&A original movies and often found myself wondering why my family vacations didn’t entail meeting a cute boy and falling in love before the week was over. They gave me travel AND boyfriend goals with their Oscar-worthy flicks. They were SO important to me, in fact, that I find myself buying them up on DVD so that I can relive the magic now that VHS players are extinct. That is how I found myself filling up a glass (or two) of wine and watching the twins take on country after country on a Saturday night, trying to remember what I ever found attractive about their cheesy foreign suitors.

Spoiler alert: New York Minute is omitted because they sold out for it and it SUCKED..stick to straight-to-VHS, girls. Getting There also does not make this list because I remember absolutely nothing about it…and do not have the desire to ever re-watch it. Saaarrryyyy.

Here the pieces of man (boy) meat are ranked from worst to best:

14. Jordan, Holiday in the Sun

Jordan was easily my most hated MK&A character of all time and that’s including that snob of a child Keegan in this same flick. The first red flag should’ve been that Jordan was wearing a wife beater at the club…that one dirty undergarment SCREAMED that he would get them thrown in the Bahamas slammer. Red flag numero dos is that he’s a local at a vacation resort. He is NOT what time it is. Jordan is BFF’s with a sixty-year-old guy named Champlain who wears Hawaiian shirts, sketchy sunglasses and a poorly styled white mullet—yet is surprised to find out he’s a criminal. Also his career is feeding fish and he DEFINITELY smells like fish guts 24/7. Alex is on her spring break and her first date with the Jordmaster is helping him clean the fish tanks and feed his underwater friends. He obviously knows how to woo a girl. NAHT.

First Kiss: After Jordan takes the stage to serenade Alex with an original song (it’s actually a good song…the only nice thing I’ll say about him but like… you’ve known her 1 whole day I don’t think you love her in any shade) they have a delicate kiss after he utters the worst sentence in movie history—see worst pickup line below. (Original song/First Kiss also below, I suggest watching on an empty stomach)

Worst Pickup Line: “Has anyone ever told you that I’m going to kiss you?” UGH. BLECH. VOMIT. COVER MY EYES AND EARS. If anyone ever uttered these words to me and came at my face I’d jump into the probably very near shark tank at Atlantis. Get lost, Jordan.

13. Michel, Passport to Paris

Michel is barf city. He wears a bucket hat for FAR TOO LONG and Mel is still all about it, it MUST be the accent, there’s no other excuse. When Melanie goes to Paris her interests include froyo at the mall but when she meets starving artist (teenage flower shop employee) Michel, he teaches her about art and music. He wah wahs about his dad forcing him to be a butcher instead of a musician and honestly I can’t with Michel. You’re like 14, do less.

First Kiss: At the dance, at the same exact time that Jean kisses Ally, because twins lose their kiss virginity together or else there would be a WHOLE lot of jelly belly going around.

passportdance

Worst Pickup Line: “It’s what you feel when you look at art” He literally forces her to look at paintings. No thanks. Also he calls his grandpa “grandpazer”. Au Revoir, Michel.

12. Ryan, When In Rome

Not only does Ryan have sonic the hedgehog hair, but he also gets friend zoned, HARD, which barely makes him viable for this list. Leila finds out that Ryan’s riding his uncle’s coattails so he can play with all of his luxurious toys and is all bye, Felicia I have goals. He obviously tells her to lighten up because he is a big spoiled turd with no redeeming qualities. Leila gets Ryan to buckle down and work for his uncle by the end but when he tries to take things to the next level again she’s like uh, could you go fix your hair?

First Kiss: Never. Ryan gets denied TWICE…first with a handshake then with a hug. Do you need some Italian ice for that burn, Ryan?

Worst Pickup Line: “You know what they say, when in rome…” No Ryan, she still doesn’t want to run her fingers through your prickly hair.

11. Ryan, Billboard Dad

Apparently Ryan’s stick together in the boyfriend-ranking world of the Olsen twins. This kid was a PUNK. He was like 10 years old wearing a leather jacket and had an eyebrow piercing. Hey Ryan, pull this crap in like 8 years. These girls haven’t even hit puberty, they’re certainly not going through their bad boy phase yet. Even though Ryan wasn’t a boyfriend…he actually becomes a step brother—it was necessary to include him JUST so I could publicize this picture of him wearing jorts and then casually diving into a pool while still wearing said jorts. Have you ever felt wet jeans? It’s the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. Anyway, at one point Emily says, “He should be arrested for his crimes against fashion” and I’ve never agreed with anything more. Book him.

First Kiss: Never because he becomes family and the Olsens aren’t into incest.

Worst Pickup Line: “I got a new tattoo and it has to stay out of the water for 24 hours. Doctor’s orders.” Technically this isn’t a pickup line but that dumbass hunk diving coach Brad falls for a TATTOO THAT CAN’T GET WET (on a small child.)

10. Paolo, When In Rome

Paolo is kiiiiind of an asshole but blames all of his a-hole qualities on being Italian, which after spending 3 months in Florence and seeing how the Italians give 0.0 F’s, kind of makes all the sense in the world. Charli (such a trendy name) likes to work hard and earn respect and Paolo is like working hard is for nerds let’s kick back and gaze into each other’s eyes while we slum our intern work off on someone else. Although it seems like Charli isn’t really into Paolo because he’s kind of a doucheypants and got her fired, she ends up falling right into his “Ciao, Bella” clutches. After calling all American girls uptight, they smooch all over Rome and he sexually teaches her how to make pizza. CAUSE HE’S ITALIAN, SO HE MAKES PIZZA. DUH. He’s not dead last on this list because I can appreciate an American girl getting swept away by a smooth talking Italiano (Paolo and Isabella, anyone?)

First Kiss: After Charli explains what a GPS is to Paolo (who looks like she just told him that this machine would take them to Venus) they swap spit on his Vespa.

Worst Pickup Line: “It’s your first day in Roma can you please how you say chill and have some fun?” DO NOT TELL ME TO HOW YOU SAY CHILL, PIZZA BOY.

9. Adam, The Challenge

Adam was kind of a dweeb and definitely demoted himself on the ranking for his cheesetastic dialogue and love of Hawaiian shirts with coordinated shell necklaces, plus I’m not fully convinced that he wasn’t a ginger. (Overall could’ve done with a whole lot less Adam, a whole lot more Marcus…see #6)

Adam

First Kiss: When they’re hiding from Max (the producer) whose trying to catch them on camera kissing so he can DQ them from the games. Stop being such a perv, Max, no one can stop this island love.

Worst Pickup Line: “I think you’re pretty amazing. Pretty and amazing.” No. Just no.

8. Jean, Passport to Paris

Jean is good looking for a thirteen year old (I guess…in like a really non-creepy way) but he speaks shitty English and when the rain comes he gets sad (actual piece of dialogue from his mouth.) I guess I understand Ally’s attraction to him because he makes a scene at a French restaurant for her then smokes a breadstick like a REAL badass. Their relationship is impractical because neither of them knows what each other is saying, normally it would be the perfect foreign hook up…except that the girls are like 12 in this movie and it’s their first kiss. Womp wompppp. Anyway, Jean is the epitome of the study abroad boyfriend dream when he gives her a private tour of the city on his moped and throws rocks at her window. So I guess he’s alright.

First Kiss: At the dance where him and Michel’s band plays…slow dancing and a quick peck because France plays it fast and loose.

Worst Pickup Line: His impression of Americans: “American girls like to LAAAAAUUUUFFFF. American girls zey walk like this. Bonjour, Bonjour, OH MY GOD.” Hey Jean, no one says Bonjour in America. Get it right if you’re going to take the stage for a five star impression.

7. Cody, Billboard Dad

Cody was cool to the max and more than willing to use his LA connects to woo Tess, his middle school crush. Deduct points for his bucket hat, but we’ll let it slide because he’s an aspiring rapper and invited Tess on a date to see No Doubt in concert—when she can’t attend he brings her back a tape of the concert and a t-shirt. What a dreamboat he is.

First Kiss: Cody wears a leather jacket because he thinks Tess is into bad boys and when he confesses he doesn’t know what else to do to get her to like him she gives him a kiss on the cheek. PG style, obv. (Side note: he can’t tell the twins apart which pretty much voids his crush if he doesn’t even know which one he likes)

Worst Pickup Line: Any time he raps…bro needs a little work on his lyrics but he’s got nothing but time for that.

6. Marcus, The Challenge

I probably shouldn’t openly admit that when I’m dazzled by a guy his personality takes the backseat but that is clearly the case with Marcus. He’s a doucheroni and basically sniffs around for dirt then uses it against Lizzy and Shane in the competition for better TV ratings, typical reality show slime machine. But have you seen those eyes? And that smile? And when he rocks a backwards baseball hat? Swoon. Plus he’s only an intern and the producer is already taking notes from him…so he’s obviously going places.

First Kiss: After Lizzy makes it through the final challenge without getting eaten by snakes Marcus swoops in and is all congrats I’m proud of you even though I created this challenge based on your worst fear.

Worst Pickup Line: Probably the part where he confesses he’s been a snitch. Kinda hard to get the girl when you’re telling her that you’ve been manipulating the show to make her life mizzz.

5. Brian, Winning London

Brian was gr8 because he was a moron. He made sports references every other sentence (we get it, you play football) and had literally no idea Riley was in love with him, thus continually calling her kiddo and telling her that he’ll never forget the time she ralphed up hot dogs at the Dodgers game. Riles is persistent though and teaches him to dance with some very PG hip-bumping until her sister accidentally C-blocks her. Finally the two find love in a hopeless place (an air duct) and ride off into the sunset on a horse, obviously. Brian may have been stupid, but he was a real piece of man meat who held his pinky up while drinking tea…plus Bri & Ri? Could there be a more compatible couple name?

First Kiss: In an air duct after Ri tells Bri calling her kiddo makes her undies drier than the Sahara.

Worst Pickup Line: When he gives Riley a sports pep talk before she has to make the final debate instead of Chloe. Find your chill, Brian.

4/3. Pete & Avery, Our Lips Are Sealed

Let’s get real here, these two were EXACTLY the same person. They were basically twins themselves, and even completed each other’s sentences. Whatever, I don’t hate it because they were obviously top BF material but we’ll just refer to them as one—Pevery (yikes.) The “surfies” were into xtreme sports (walking across the Sydney bridge, jetskis, surfing), were chill AF and didn’t care about the popular betches. Plus like they had surfer bodies, killer tans and perfect teen popstar hair. What more do you want from them? What–am I supposed to say something funny here? SOMETHING FUNNY!

First Kiss: Do they ever kiss? Don’t they just have surf wars and dance on the beach?

Worst Pickup Line: “We don’t wanna rush anything but…tomorrow’s Saturday. Got any plans?” I’m guessing it’s pretty much social suicide in Aussieland to not have plans on Saturday.

2. Griffin, Holiday in the Sun

Ok, so some of you may be wondering how Griffin snagged the #2 spot when he was preeetttyy much a certified creep-stalker. However, I think what’s most important to note is that out of all of the many Olsen boyfs, Griffin was the only one who didn’t fall in lust after JUST meeting the girls. Griffin’s known Madison since they were little and has developed a love for her over time because they both like books and shit. THIS IS GREAT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. This relationship has staying power, even though Madison originally pursues the dumb hot party kid at the resort, she soon learns the error of her ways when she sees Griffin spying on her from behind a plant in her hotel room. Just kidding, sort of. He’s nerdy attractive and says things like “I couldn’t sleep because the mere thought of spending the day with you made me twitch with anticipation.” Whoa. That’s some deep shit, Griff. Plus his delivery of “DON’T SPLASH” was the best display of acting I’ve ever seen. Nice guys don’t always finish last.

First Kiss: In front of the waterslides at Atlantis. Pure romance. Even better is that when he thinks they’re going to die/get arrested he stops her Bond style to sneak a kiss “in case he never gets a chance to again.”

Worst Pickup Line: “Everybody’s got a hobby, right? You’re mine.” Apparently Madison didn’t think that meant he wanted to turn her into a skin suit because she promptly laid one on him.

1. James, Winning London

James has a whole lot of things going for him, the first obviously being that he’s super attractive, the second being that he’s British and therefore has an adorbz accent and lastly he’s rich AF and basically royalty…need I say more? James and Chloe had the ultimate meet-cute when he rescues her from a piece of toilet paper stuck to her patent leather boots and then Chloe promptly trips over a bag. It was a rocky start but realistically, if James could get past that knit cap she was wearing inside, these two can overcome just about anything. (Which was put to the test later when Chloe slicks her hair back, puts on a suit and her best lip gloss to pass as a boy…) James’ father is a lord (and a real DICK) but he lives basically in a castle and plays polo in his backyard. Also did I mention that he rides a horse like nobody’s bizzzz? Someone fan me. Unfortunately Lord Dickwad calls Chloe an American peasant and tells James to stop seeing her…It’s a good thing nothing can come in between their true love that was developed over the course of 3 days.

First Kiss: Moonlit cruise by Big Ben. #RichPeopleProbz

Worst Pickup Line: When Chloe said we’re going to make some alliances and James smoothly replies, “Let’s make one of our own, on the dance floor.” PUKE.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/17/15

I don’t mean to alarm anyone but I did have a pretty serious incident this week where I was under the knife. I had my tongue sliced and stiched and therefore I’m basically bringing you the JUice this week while handicapped. I’ll take get well wishes in the form of Dunkin gift cards and appreciate you all keeping me in your #thoughtsandprayers.

1. New Fire Flametastic Music. CAN’T DRAG 1D DOWN. They lose a member, get in catty twitter fights and knock a “stylist” up but don’t say 1D goes quietly into the night. This song was released about a month ago when they were trying to convince everyone that all was well but they just dropped the music video where they’re a bunch of astronauts, NBD. Good song and even better flow for ya boy Harry…seriously, lettuce for days.

Nick Jonas also gifted us with Levels today and it already has the Cin stamp of approval. I was bumping it and noticed that she couldn’t help but bop her head as she was going through the mail. That’s just what Nick does…show his abs and crank out hits for all ages.

2. Bill Hader gets super stoned in Amsterdam with a bunch of famous comedians. You know what’s funny? People getting trashed. You know what’s funnier? Famous people who are paid to be hilarious getting trashed together and telling us about it. Bill does a killer Seth Rogen impression and then Vanessa Bayer shows up at the end sounding like I did when my mom used to pick me up from the bars at 4AM ~~back in the day~~ last weekend.

3. Julianne Hough is engaged while Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox are this week’s celeb trip to D-town.

We continue our theme of where there is love there is loss. Julianne Hough and her hottie hockey boyf get engaged (no ring pics yet BOOOOOO) and Brian Austin Green/Megan Fox are the next victims of the summer of Divorce. To be completely honest with you, I was more devastated by the news that Donna and David were having trouble in paradise than I was for this divorce of actual humans and not fictional characters. But seriously, 90210 ends with Donna and David finally togets forevs, then they announce a reboot 90210 and tease the dream team coming back for a guest appearance so I dutifully watched a GARBAGE show for an entire season only to see Donna come back SANS David and announce they’re probably getting divorced. I apologize, I just got fired up again merely rehashing it for you. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES, DONNA AND DAVID FOREVER.

4. BaBaY New$. Jana Kramer got married like five minutes ago and now she’s preggeroni. This week she announced it will be a girl through an incredibly awksies gender reveal insta video.

https://instagram.com/p/6hwj73LMvj/?taken-by=kramergirl

Kelly Clarkson announced she’s having baby #2 accidentally after a case of the mid-concert sobsies. It’s cute because she wants to assure everyone she isn’t drunk or high she’s just pregnant and that’s why she can’t stop crying onstage. Watch 1:40 if you want to hear the announcement.

5. The She-Pratt had a casual crystal meth addiction at 14. I think I’m more shocked by the fact that anyone still keeps tabs on Stephanie Pratt rather than the fact that she apparently couldn’t get enough of the ice when she was barely a teen. It kind of all makes sense now. It’s the final piece of the missing puzzle. She once had a hamster when she was little but then she got all hopped up on the crank and bingo bango suddenly she has a guinea pig. The GREAT news is that you can read all about her childhood drug addiction in her memoir, because that’s what we were all missing in our lives.

Bonus: Cookie and Lucious battle it out Lyon style.

PRAISE Taraji doing Mary J Blige and MJB literally playing second fiddle to her onstage. That’s how you lip sync like a boss bitch. Credit where credit is due to Terrence for making the high notes of the greatest babymakin song of all time look real life. Clap it up for laying it all on the line just for round 1. More of this in Empire next season, pls.

Playlist

Best of OTH Mix Part 2

The Tree Hill gang (well….Lucas, Haley and every minor character who ever appeared on the show) gathered once again recently in Wilmington for another OTH convention and it made me nostalgic. Mostly because the ghost of Keith showed up looking like this, un-ironically I’m assuming and I longed for the time when he was missing or dead.

Just kidding, I longed for the time when there would be a big moment on the show and I would immediately need to download the song that scored it. So I decided to make a second OTH mix, this one with less famous beats and a little more of the feels, so save it for a rainy day (I’m talking to you, Naley…WINK)

PS In case you’re having a hard time remembering who those characters are in the convention picture, I’ll just throw it out there that one of them MURDERED QUENTIN AND TRIED TO MURDER BROOKE. So glad he could make it in place of Q. NAHT.

The Mixed Tape- Jack’s Mannequin. The love of my life and piano extraordinaire Andrew McMahon was an important part of Tree Hill when he made the music video for this song starring Peyton in her infamously artsy room. The mixed tape also played over the basketball game where Lucas nails Chris Keller in the face with the ball mid-play. Win, win for everyone.

Sweet Silver Lining- Kate Voegele. Remembz season six when we all knew Lucas and Peyton weren’t coming back for season seven but instead of being gracious about it the writers threatened Peyton’s life every few episodes? Well this came after the first death scare and before the second at her quickie wedding to Lucas. Mia dedicated this song to her and was like “Hey Peyton, this is for you because you keep almost dying. Love ya, girl—enjoy 4 hours of marriage before you collapse.” I also saw Kate perform this live before the episode aired and she didn’t give out any spoilers, which is pretty selfish if you ask me.

Always Love- Nada Surf. Here’s an uplifting beat to distract you from the other kind of depressing ones on this mix (Peyton-nobody understands me-style.) Nada Surf just wants us all to be lovers, not fighters and it plays at the beginning of season three when Lucas and Haley are writing their senior year predictions. Even though Naley is on the outs for this one, the song gives us hope that my fave couple would stop being idiots and get back together. Haley writes out “Nathan and I will be together again,” and I’m guessing she didn’t think that would include an infant by graduation when she jotted that one down. After she hides it behind the brick, Nathan walks her to class with his hand on the small of her back and it gives me all the Naley tingles.

More Than Anyone- Gavin DeGraw. Speaking of Naley tingles, this is one of their anthems. Gav scores their first rain kiss after the big porno fight (so precious) and then at their 2^nd wedding, as their first dance. I’m also going to assume Jimmy Jam was conceived to this song. Just a hunch.

Sing, Theresa Says-Greg Laswell. In season four we finally see Peyton and Lucas get together and because Peyton has eternally been such a dark cloud of death and stalkers, Lucas pretty much expects to always be saving her from somebody trying to kill her. Peyton tries to convince him that she’s so happy now that he loves her and is like omg music is so much better when we’re together then tries to impress Lucas by shazaaming this song. No seriously she shows off an app. Technology is ruining relationships.

War Sweater- Wakey!Wakey! Since everything is in extremes, Lucas and Peyton are either happy as clamz or in distress and this song represents the latter. The two get married right quick so their child isn’t born illegitimate and instead of some nice wedding night sex, Peyton gets the wedding night bleeds (not the pure kind) and almost dies NBD but KBD. This plays as she’s rushed to the hospital and the baby is born and everyone wah wahs about her waking up. What will your legacy be, Peyton? Will you almost eat it and then drive away from a town you’ve lived in your whole life without saying goodbye? Just wondering.

Missing You- Tyler Hilton. Couldn’t make a One Tree Hill mix without our favorite sexy villain Chris Keller. This is a nice remake that Chris did probably with the studio time that Dan Scott paid for and it played during another epic Naley rain scene in season 3 when they’re stressed about picking colleges away from each other. Seems like a conflict of interest to listen to Chris Keller while they’re smushing but whatever turns Haley on, right?

Here Comes a Regular- The Replacements. Back to the sappies, here’s the song that Ellie said was her favorite of all time because she saw it live at Woodstock (probz stoned) and coincidentally (not) it played while she slowly and sadly died amongst her records, only for her daughter to find her corpse. Doesn’t that leave you with the warm and fuzzies? Side and unrelated note, I’ve listened to this song roughly 100 times and for the life of me I still can’t figure out one lyric to it. I usually just sing along with inaudible sounds.

Middle of Nowhere- Hot Hot Heat. I went through a hardcore punk pop phase in my early teen years and therefore this song got a lot of play time.Fortunately for me, Peyton went through the same phase for all of One Tree Hill and it worked out really well for my iPod. Lucky for everyone else this song is fun punk and not everyone hates me and I want to die punk.

Times Like These (Acoustic)- Foo Fighters. Dave Grohl didn’t just make the hot musicians I want to bang list on Peyton’s closet door—he also got to complete one of the weirdest and most unrealistic moments of One Tree Hill. The gang graduates and MID-SPEECH, Haley’s like oopsie I just flooded the stage with my amniotic fluids before I even got the chance to grab my diploma! It’s times like going into labor at high school graduation you learn to live again, is what I hear. #Inspiration

Quicksand- Haley James Scott. Again, we can’t give kudos to One Tree Hill’s music without including their #1 Tutor Girl turned Pop Star. This is a later season gem (probably the only one…her music career PLUMMETS) from right after Lucas and Peyton PEACED up outta there. We come back for season 7 and Haley records this song with an interesting hat perched atop her wild red curly mane. I think the song’s supposed to reassure us that things will be fine without two of the main characters but I was more convinced that Haley had turned into a hippy who smelled like patchouli with the loss of her BFF.

23- Jimmy Eat World. This band was almost singlehandedly the soundtrack to One Tree Hill with the amount of songs that they played, some of them performed by the band themselves at Tric because obviously high schoolers can book Jimmy Eat World for a casual Friday night hang. I understand that this song is 7 minutes long and that’s asking a lot of our short attention span culture to listen to in full but I also would like to add that it’s a phenomenal song. AND it plays during the pivotal last moments of season 2 where Peyton has suddenly procured a coke addiction, Jake comes back mid-drug deal to tell her to knock it off and Haley (a married woman teenager) kisses Chris Keller and is like let’s go on tour together and leave my hot husband at home waiting with the delicious dinner he just cooked for me. Also Dan Scott is about to get BURNED. Literally. SO MUCH DRAMA all to the tune of this moody song.

Heartbeats- José González. This is a song for all the Leyton fans. The Ravens win the state championship, dreams have come true, confetti is falling and Lucas takes one glance at Peyton’s chicken legs as she awkwardly stares off into space with no one to talk to and he finally tells her, “It’s you, you’re the one I want next to me when all my dreams come true.” And they smooch among the celebrations, end scene. Except not end scene because rumor has it that some girl at the Return To Wilmington convention asked him to recite the line to her. So apparently he’ll just say it to anyone. Lucas is such an “It’s you” whore.

Be Yourself- Audioslave. Here’s another one of those famous montage songs that One Tree Hill likes to plop at the end of each season finale to sum everything up. Played at the end of season 2 we see Karen going to New Zealand for some summer lovin with Andy, Deb thinking about how she’s about to kill her husband, Nathan moving back home and Peyton just staring at her own art about people always leaving but also sometimes coming back. Does that bother anyone else? You can’t make a sweeping statement and then be like JK sometimes it ends up different just because your friend is sad.

Lavinia- The Veils. While we’re on the topic of Deb plotting to kill her husband…remember when Dan Scott was poisoned and set on fire? Of course you do because he became mayor JUST to find out who did it. Seems like a lot of work, but whatevs. This song is creepy and weird and I LOVE IT. It played over the big dumpster fire that was once Dan Scott Motors while D-Money’s lifeless body was trapped inside. That is, until Lucas decided to be a hero and pull him to safety. I thank Lucas for that because if he hadn’t, we would have never seen Dan say to a couple of hookers “Take a hike, bitches” in season four.

Sidewalks [Acoustic]- Story Of The Year. What a great angsty number this is. It also played while Peyton and Jake boned for the first time. Yaassss. Team Jake foreva. What a stud he was…and a GREAT teen father. Of course the Angel of Death had to screw that one up.

The Adventure- Angels & Airwaves. Here’s a feel good jam from the former singer of Blink 182 and just so that you’ll always have a happy memory associated with it, when Lucas quits bball because his heart can’t hang, Nathan dominates the Ravens and gets his mojo back for a hot winning streak at the end of season three. Direct quote from Nathan “Sex Machine” Scott, “You might wanna stay out of my way for a while.” He also throws down a slam-dunk then runs over to Haley mid-game and says she might want to bang him pre-wedding because he knows how sexy he looks. It’s safe to say that Haley promptly soaks her cheer uniform, because who wouldn’t?

Lesson Learned- Ray LaMontagne. We can’t always be on a high and that’s why we need to bring it back down with our soulful boy, Ray. He croons on about learning lessons in his raspy voice while Nathan most certainly learns the lesson to never borrow money from thugs again because his preggers wife just got hit by a car. Also Lucas probz learned the lesson to stop being so casj about his shitty heart as he collapses right next to Hales for a little BFF ambulance trip/extended stay. Shall we call this a lesson learned?

Ride- Cary Brothers. This song midas whale have been written about Peyton and her cool ass Comet. “The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning.” That’s a pretty powerful vintage whip right thurr. Lindsey pieces this all together at the altar, which is suuuupes embarrassing for her that it took that long for her to figure out that her fiancé was in love with someone else but anyway we get a nice little flashback to Lucas towing Peyton’s car and her being a real twat to him.

Boston- Augustana. It’s unfortunate that this song is named after the city I just aggressively moved out of but what’re you gonna do. I remember when it first came out I had just gotten back from Spain for a little study abroad stint at the ripe age of 15 and I felt it was cool and cultural to put my AIM away message as “I think I’ll get a lover and fly them out to Spain.” None of which applied to my life but because I had been to Spain I obviously felt like I had the right to use a lyric about lovers and being rich enough to fly them anywhere. Nathan and Haley were lovers who got to fly nowhere because on their way to the airport while this song was so adorably playing and they were glowing in anticipation of honeymoon sex they got rerouted when Nathan jumped into a river to save his hot Uncle Cooper from dying. Hope they got their money back for those tix to London because non-refundable flights can be a real bitch.

Thanks for putting your earphones in, Keith Scott Motors hood up, and taking this dribble over the Tree Hill memory bridge with me. It’s been a real hoot and now you have two full bangalicious OTH mixes to reflect with. So don’t say I never gave you anything.

Pop Culture

Justin Timber-Tuesday

Hey remember when I did this one time? Well guess what, I’m jonesin for a JT fix again and therefore I’m bringing it back. I watched Friends with Benefits last week because I no longer have a job and daytime TV is my new BFF and watching Justin rap Kriss Kross only made me miss him more. Seriously I get that JT is a dad now and stuff but I need him back in my life. So here’s my plea to him…go on Fallon, SNL or record a new song pls. Everyone knows…New Music>New Baby.

Ear Candy

The best scorned lover song ever to hit my ears. I could watch his baby face almost cry in a car with Timbaland foreva eva. You can pretty much guarantee that Britney learned her lesson with this one–you break Justin’s heart and you can bet your bottom dollar that he’ll break into your mansion, moonwalk across your kitchen and then make a sex tape in your bed. BOOM. YOU JUST GOT TIMBERLAKED, BITCH. (We’re just gonna go ahead and gloss over the part where he waits until she gets home, sniffs her hair then hides in her closet and watches her shower.)

Lawlz

The Camp Winnipesaukee sketches that Jimmy started on the Late Show and brought with him to the Tonight Show are the perfect example of why I need these two to have a variety show and/or host the Emmy’s. They can take the stupidest skit and make it hilarious.

Eye Candy

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FLEXIN' on Fathers Day… #HappyFathersDay to ALL of the Dads out there from the newest member of the Daddy Fraternity!! –JT

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DILF CITY, POPULATION: JT.

Red Carpet

Teen Choice Awards Red Carpet

It’s the dog days of summer and my bloggable material is at an all-time low. Speaking of lows, I stumbled upon a circumstance where I watched half of the Teen Choice Awards. Yeah whatever, I judge myself harder than any of you could judge me but the bottom line is I know we’ve all been itching for a new red carpet of questionable ensembles to judge and here IT IS. Think of it as a little warm up for the VMA’s, which we all know will be a downright shit show.

Worst Dressed

Robbie Amell is the hottest piece of ass on the cusp of his acting career and he WORE THIS? Also his fiance with the ABC Family original show looks lackluster at best.

Brit Brit. At least cover your cooch when you’re out with your children. Kewl rainbow hair though girl, you’re so on trend.

I will NEVER support men wearing tunics. This is some Justin Bieber shit, you’re better than that Mahomie.

Did she wrap a tablecloth on over some leggings?

“Daddy why is your shirt always wide open?”-Wiz Jr.

I don’t know what creation those pants/leggings are but no thank you.

The dress is 90’s which is like whatever, but to add the free hanging strands in her face really pushed it. Blossom.

Don’t say her name three times.

Zendaya holding up her end of the bargain to always look like she pulled her outfit out of a 3 year old’s dress up trunk.

I can’t tell if this is beaded or velour but it’s just not doing it for me.

This is an actual pants suit. I’m assuming from Ann Taylor. It’s not a sexy pants suit. It’s a Hillary Rodham Clinton pants suit.

Granny dress for Emma Roberts.

Our ice dancer number of the night.

No snakes allowed on the blue carpet.

Best Dressed:

This is an alright dress but what really knocked my socks off was when Rachel Platten sang Fight Song and wore all black with gold glitter kicks. Sneaker crush.

Sucker for a crop peekaboo.

One of those outfits I looked at and was like BLECH then looked at it again and was like ok I can get down with this.

I think this jumpsuit is SASSSY, plus what is an old person supposed to wear to the Teen Choice Awards anyway?

Crop Coordinates, FTW. Also really digging on that yellow.

Membs when Josh Peck was a heffer on Nickelodeon?

Aca-Smooth.

Maddie Ziegler is 12 years old and she dressed like she was 12 years old. No seriously, I’m applauding this outfit for being age appropriate. DON’T EVER GROW UP, GIRL!

Bella Thorne is crushing this dress and also wins for smokeshow couple of the night.

Only Uncle J can roll up to an awards show in jeans and a tee and pull it off.

One of the hosts of the evening and she always looks gr8.

LEA, GET IT GURL!!!!

For anyone wondering what you missed from not devoting any of your free time to an awards show for middle schoolers, here it is:

You’re welcome for not including a gif. This is a real thing that happened for more than one minute of the show. So that’s that.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/3/15

1.This week’s relationships that took a bullet.

Bad news comes in 3’s. JK apparently if you’re in Hollywood bad news comes in the ending of every long-term marriage all in one summer. NBD but HBD. Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale as well as Reba and Narvel Blackstock (real name?) are this week’s we’ve been together for over 20 years but we’re #overit couples. Not one to be outdone, Miss Piggy also jumped on that bandwagon and was like yeah samesies me and Kermit would also like to promote our soon to be cancelled TV show for the fall so our fictional cartoon relationship has also ended. In much shorter term relationship news, Zayn formerly known as the 5th One Directioner broke off engagement with Perrie Edwards, thus hammering the final nail in the coffin that is his career. Hey Zayn, way to take a big dump on your life in the matter of 4 months, bruh.

2. Where there is death, there is also rebirth.

Jennifer Aniston decided this would be a good week to finally tell gossip columns to stop yapping about her still being sad about Brad Pitt and tied the knot with Justin Theroux in very celebrity-SURPRISE it’s not a birthday party it’s a wedding in our backyard-fashion! YOU GO, GIRL! Now cue everyone who wants to know why she isn’t pregnant yet because that’s the world that we live in. WHY DON’T YOU WANT KIDS JEN? I’m sure she looked stunning on her wedding day because she’s like in her 40’s and can still get it. Courtney Cox was her maid of honor, obviously. Rachel & Monica 4eva. Rachel and Ross…unfortunately not.

3. Cecil the lion is now a beanie baby.

This is not really important news but if I get the opportunity to rant about beanie babies you BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR I’m gonna take it! My grandma got my sisters and I a beanie baby for every occasion as we were growing up. I’m assuming she kept TY in business throughout the 90’s with how many small stuffed animals she purchased from them. Gams also told us that one day these would be worth a lot of money so we should take care of them and protect the tags because they are collectibles. Cut to 3 years ago when my mom couldn’t even get rid of our 100’s of beanie babies for 1 dollar a piece at her neighborhood garage sale (they were marked down to 50 cents a piece) SO ANYWAY, just because a dentist killed a lion that was beloved and everyone is suddenly anti-hunting DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN CASH IN, TY. The jig is up. Beanie babies SUCK, whether the money goes to a good cause or not, a beanie baby shall never be the reward. Kids of our generation should not be duped into thinking this stupid bean-filled animal will be worth millions someday, otherwise they might end up in their 20’s posing with their collection and special club-holder VIP card on instagram. End rant.

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Great news: @nikkigian and I found the valuables in the basement. #90s #beaniebabies #officialclubmembers

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4. Drake is winning life. Not only did he DEMOLISH Meek Mill in a rap battle as well as public powerpoint humiliation, he also reunited with his Degrassi crew and gave all of us the warm throwback fuzzies. WHATEVER IT TAKES, I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH. Notice that none of his ex-lovers (Ashley, Hazel, Ellie) made an appearance. Perhaps they’re scorned ex-GFs?!

5. Watch some videos. Here’s the Zoolander 2 sequel that plays a lot off of the first Zoolander’s jokes but whatever because it looks funny and I’ll probably still go see it so the joke’s on me.

Part 2 of trailers/teasers, here’s a peek at Empire season 2 and ALL HAIL Cookie’s top knot. Even better news, it has been confirmed that Cookie will get a spinoff for all her fabulous glory. Yaassss.

Bonus: Remember Macklemore FT. Ryan Lewis? Macklemore had an oops baby and therefore released some new dad music featuring Ed Sheeran AS WELL AS Ryan Lewis. Give it a listen… (Note: Macklemore has prettier rings than me. WTF.)

Music

Top Notch Timeflies Tuesday

Cal & Rez got their start as two college bros making Youtube videos of covers and freestyles every Tuesday. That in itself is impressive considering my college dorm room was for full day binges of One Tree Hill and Dawson’s Creek, not producing quality music. Anyway, now they’re releasing fire flames original songs but what’s especially spicy about them is that they still throw down a Timeflies Tuesday almost every week and Cal is a smokeshow who can literally make up a rap on the spot like nobody’s biz. If you’re not a Timeflies fan yet check out some of my favorites below, if you are, re-enjoy watching Cal rap that fine ass all over Youtube.

Under the Sea

Did I ever imagine when I was watching The Little Mermaid that one day I would be willingly rocking out to an Under the Sea rap? No, I did not. I was too busy drooling over Prince Eric and his head full of luscious lettuce. Either way, anyone who takes a Disney song and makes it dirty immediately becomes my favorite person so thank you Cal for referencing chicks getting wet in a song that a lobster originally sings.

Taylor

I mean, duh. Can’t sneak a Taylor Swift mashup by me. Cal takes a few riffs at Taylor’s affinity for mid-song talkies and I support this 100%…interrupting your own singing to chit chat makes me very uncomfy. Plus YOU WEAR THE HELL OUT OF THAT HENLEY, CAL.

Alcohol

He LITERALLY walks through a bar and raps about each bottle of liquor. WHAT. Supes casj.

Wagon Wheel

I didn’t learn about this song until I was abroad in Italy where they played it on repeat in an Irish bar…random? Anyway the original is a fabulous drinking anthem but Timeflies obviously takes it to another level, right around the time that Cal raps: “Whoa, holy shit Land HO! Seriously land with a whole bunch of hoes.” Yes.

Cheerleader

I mean, he flawlessly infiltrated Caitlyn Jenner into a rap. Plus he threw in a little Fetty Wap and I can always get down with that song, especially ever since I googled it expecting to find a terribly disgusting definition for Trap Queen and instead was pleasantly surprised and suddenly had new life/career goals.

Click here for more Timeflies Tuesday…because there are 1 million.

And here’s the new music video for their latest original song: Worse Things Than Love (which is phenomenal.)

Puppies + Cal= Underwear Slushie.

Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k10

Let’s dial it back to the summer of 2010 when I was a mere infant at the beginning of her college career (sigh), with an actual 3 month break from school for a bullshit job and fun in the sun. Those were the dayz. Let’s also laugh at the songs that my sister and I thought were the shit that year.

1. Summer Sunshine- The Corrs. This was an original summer palooza tradition, beginning with this song and ending with White Houses (of course.) After a while we phased out The Corrs and kept Vanessa but I could still probably listen to this song on repeat. It was also a staple AIM profile addition…for example In the heat of the summer sunshine, I miss you like nobody else ☀ or ….xx…To sweet beginnings and bitter endings…xx… (for 8th grade graduation probly)

2. Misery- Maroon 5. Maroon 5 used to be full of bangers and I distinctly remember making this my ringtone at one point on my maroon (no coincidence) colored enV2. Could I have been cooler than answering a call-most likely from my mother-to the tune of Adam Levine wah-wahing? Probably not.

3. Magic- B.o.B ft. Rivers Cuomo. This tune got a quick revival via Pitch Perfect and the Treblemakers but it’s still fire flames. Pair a rapper (that we pretty much never heard from again) with the hipster lead singer of Weezer and you’ve got MAGIC.

4. All I Do Is Win- DJ Khaled (feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross). This was probably the first rap song that I really NAILED, Emma Stone lip sync style. I can still impressively spit Luda’s verse. #StreetCred Also DJ Khaled’s got CONNECTS bringing this star powered posse together on one song.

5. Letting Go- Sean Kingston Ft. Nicki Minaj. Want to really annoy the shit out of your friends? Play the first 5 seconds of this song on repeat. My friend did that to me once while I was driving and I almost murdered him right there in my vehicle. I could probably go the rest of my life without hearing HEYO SEAN, YO MISTA KINGSTON ever again. BUT how gr8 is Sean Kingston that adorable Jamaican chubster?

6. Summer Town-Third Eye Blind. Obligatory, if you are a band and release a song with a summer theme, you land a spot on the palooza. Also I’m a sneaky 3EB fan. I’ve seen them twice in concert, I should probably add that I paid no more than 15 dollars to see them either time. Anyway, this is more of a chill by the bonfire flavor.

7. Love the Way You Lie- Eminem (Ft. Rihanna). This song is some heavy shit and obviously every time I hear it I suddenly turn into a rage-filled white rapper who throws her hands around like a G. No regrets. I distinctly remember this music video because it had Megan Fox in it and she got the shit beaten out of her aaand then her house was set on fire NBD. This came out right after Chris Brown cold-cocked Rihanna, which made it even more intense. I felt like that was a necessary sentence to type because I’d like to remind everyone that Chris Brown is a terrible human and kind of skated away from that whole domestic violence thing. Catchiest lyric goes to: Now you get to watch her leave out the window, guess that’s why they call it window PANE.

8. Mine- Taylor Swift. This is a top T Swizzle song for me because it’s just adorbz. Girl meets boy, girl has commitment issues, boy is like I’ll never leave you, and they live happily ever after. Isn’t love supes easy breezy?

9. Beautiful Monster- Ne-Yo. I think this was a desperate add-on. Clearly we were searching for songs here. Anyway, CLUB BEAT$ from ya boy Ne-Yo here where he compares a woman to monster…but she’s beautiful. What a wordsmith.

10. Dynamite- Taio Cruz. This song made repeating every word you say totally ok, ok, ok, ok. It IS a feel good jam about just having a fabulous night, which I can always support, support, support, support.

11. Undo It- Carrie Underwood. Carrie is Queen of revenge breakup songs, which is odd considering she’s been in a really healthy relationship for like her whole career. But I digress, bitch wants to undo the relationship, which is like the biggest diss. Bye Felicia.

12. I Like It- Enrique Iglesias ft. Pitbull. Ah another club beat except where Dynamite was all about good clean fun, this song is about cheating on your significant other on the weekends. Your boyfriend’s out of town so he doesn’t even have to know, lawls, please let me penetrate you under the strobe light with sweaty bodies surrounding us. Oh, Enrique how far you fallen from Hero—I blame Pitbull’s influence. OBVIOUSLY. DALÉ.

13. King of Anything- Sara Bareilles. Sara consistently puts out fresh music that’s light and bubbly. Clap it up for girl power!

14. Club Can’t Handle Me- David Guetta Ft. Flo Rida. When you go so hard that the club can’t even handle you, what are you even supposed to do? This song came out when I was under 21 but could still get into the 18 + club at school called Hatters (red flag) and I distinctly remember this being a full-on fist pump song. Therefore when you listen to it, you MUST build the beat.

15. Our Kind Of Love- Lady Antebellum. 2K10 was a light year for country lovin from my sis and I but Lady A was just starting to make some noise after Need You Now, the official drunk dial song. This one’s a little slow but maybe it’s time to slow it down after almost fist pumping yourself to death.

16. Cooler Than Me- Mike Posner. Remember this one hit wonder? Mike used to record music in his beat laboratory at Duke before he hit it big with this song, which is catchy AF. Also now that I’ve googled him and seen that he wrote a buttload of #1 hits for other singers including Sugar for Maroon 5 and Boyfriend for Biebs, I feel really bad for calling him a one hit wonder. Keep up the good work, Mikey!

17. White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. The minute you hear those piano keys, you know that the palooza has ended. Sorry guys…It’s all too sweet to last.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Eskimo Brothers

HEY! Give yourself a round of applause because we made it through the MOST DRAMATIC season EVER (read: shittiest season ever) and for that we deserve all the awards. Not so fast though, first we have to watch the final episode “Live from LA” so they can insert a bunch of audience reactions and Chris Harrison one liners to fill up the extra time. We pick up with Kaitlyn talking about how good it is to be back in LA as the caption flashes Malibu. It’s time for the boys to meet Kaitlyn’s family NOT in her hometown, because budget travel. Kait breaks the news that a guy from another season snuck his way on and is in her bottom two, her sister with the most unfortunate case of skunk head, is immediately like NICK V OMGEEEEE.

While sis fans herself, momma Leslie has some very strong feelings toward Nick from watching Andi’s season and those feelings are that he’s a D-bag. Kaitlyn is like you can’t judge him Mom, GAWD. Then Kaitlyn proceeds to casually tell her family that she slept with Nick so she’s created a nice little situation for him to walk into.

Speaking of, enter brillopad-head wearing an open button down, a white undershirt and an armful of wooden beaded bracelets. He cleans up nice. Once Kaitlyn warns him that her parents have pictured them having sex, he admits he’s nervous now, Kaitlyn is like yeah you’re pretty much F’ed. Nick’s talk with Leslie is epic because she calls him arrogant and possessive but then it goes downhill real quick because Nick turns on the waterworks and wins Les over by the end. He also puts on a show for Kaitlyn’s dad and gets the blessing.

But enough about that, it takes Shawn .2 seconds into meeting Kaitlyn’s family to blow Nick out of the water. He brings the heat with his thoughtful family gifts, makes a wedding quality toast before dinner and has Leslie (soon-to-be reality show star) vying for his attention as she asks if she can steal him away. Unfortunately, she wants to twist the knife and talk to Shawn about the S-E-X thing. He handles it well, by letting Leslie lick chocolate sauce off his abs. Hair queen Haley is #TeamShawn and it makes me wonder if anyone is actually #TeamNick. Finally, he asks both parents together for permission to marry Kaitlyn and obviously walks out with an invite on the next family vacay because, duh.

Chris Harrison pops up again to take a quick audience poll if the family liked Shawn (all the applause) or Nick (only his family meekly clapped) best. This is why they pay him the big bucks.

Unfortunately, even though everyone in America knows who has already won, we’re forced to live through more sloppy kisses as Nick and Kaitlyn have their last date. They drink champagne on a boat and Nick says, “I look forward to having you on my couch.” Of course you do, Nick. Later Nick takes a cue from every horny college frat bro and tells Kaitlyn, “I got you something, it’s in my bedroom.” Nick’s gift surprisingly is not his penis but a framed photo of their first date with a queer poem next to it about the electricity of kisses. Also he spelled energy wrong. Kaitlyn becomes putty in his hands just because of a cheesy poem that didn’t rhyme instead of retching, which is how I responded to this gift.

Kaitlyn and Shawn’s last date is so terribly awkward that I’m going to pretend it never happened. There’s some heavy petting…of Shawn’s leg and then FF to later because Shawn gives a dope ass gift and at this point, seriously Nick who? Shawn gifts her with a memory jar of pictures and notes. He probably didn’t spell anything wrong and also still has cool points because he didn’t write a shitty poem. Crushed it. Still reeling from the best gift ever, ABC throws a gratuitous shirtless morning scene from Shawn right at us with no warning and I audibly gasped. They may not be in an exotic land, but does that even matter when Shawn’s 100-pack fills the screen? No. No it does not. Shawn clothes himself just in time for Neil Lane to arrive with the rings.

Meanwhile, Nick drinks coffee with his shirt on, buttoned up. BOOOOOO. See yourself out, Nick. Neil shows up and Nick tells his sordid tale about how last time when he was expecting Neil, Andi came instead and sent him to dumpsville: population one. Neil is like oh really? That’s nice why don’t you open up my briefcase of rings and let’s get this product placement over with. After getting a nice boost of confidence for making it far enough to pick the ring, Nick bounces out of the limo FIRST (death sentence) and tells Kaitlyn how obsessed he is with her. Just as he’s reaching into his pocket for that ring, Kaitlyn goes NO. It is BRUTAL but also AWESOME. Shutdown nation. Sucks to suck, Nicholas..bet ya kinda regret jumping back into the TV dating game to get dumped all over again, huh? He leaves, a lover scorned scheming of ways to get back at her on After the Rose and chucks that precious Dublin claddagh ring right alongside his dignity. Nick’s famous last words? “I am the world’s biggest joke.” Cut to Chris Harrison and a terrrrrrible reaction shot of Nick’s family looking like he hung himself on national television. YIKES. According to Chris everyone is stunned to silence and according to the producers we need to watch this silence for an extra 30 seconds so that we, too, can feel as uncomfy as the people sitting next to the Viall family.

For our grand finale of hair, abs and TRUE LOVE, enter the babe soda that is Shawn Booth. In his best version of monotone, Shawn reads a speech you might find at the end of a rom com straight from a teleprompter and I still find it baffling that no one questions how scripted these final moments are each season. The good news is that they both agree it was love at first limo and Kaitlyn will never bone Nick again (for a bit). They get engaged to date for a couple of months and I could not be more pleased with this pairing…Also SURPRISE! to everyone who somehow avoided the spoiler snapchat that made it’s rounds for roughly 2 months on the interweb.

Not to be the person who said I told you so…but ABSOLUTELY to be that person, here is a lovely excerpt from my first blog about this season’s contestants published on May 13th, 2015:

Give it to me in that Blue V-neck with your thumbs hooked into your pockets, Shawn B. So duhs that Shawn B is a hottie with a body, but his details really seal the deal for top choice. His favorite music includes country and “One Direction, obviously.” His greatest achievement so far is when him and his dad bought an 1888 farm house and rehabbed/rebuilt it. Lastly, if he could be anyone for the day he would be his dog to see what goes on in his head. SHAWN B KNOWS HOW TO FLOOD A CHICK’S BASEMENT. He’s a directioner, essentially is Noah Calhoun from The Notebook, which means he’s basically Ryan Gosling and he’s a dog lover. Sold. Why is he still single? Britt doesn’t deserve him. Kaitlyn and Shawn B. for the final rose. Book it.

NBD but HBD, people. It’s called blogger’s intuition like you read about. You’re welcome, America.

And for those who didn’t stay up past their bedtime in gleeful hopes of catching a final Nick vs. Shawn showdown…here’s a quick summary of AFTER THE ROSE:

There’s more heavy leg petting, lots of Kait & Shawn smooching and even more pans to little Bella sobbing in the audience, methinks this girl is going to need a good deal of therapy. The buildup of our bro fight results in Shawn and Nick sitting on a tiny couch, crossing their legs in a power stance so their feet are almost touching. To be clear, Shawn does the leg cross first and Nick immediately copies him. #EskimoBrothersForLife

Also, Nick has finally learned his lesson and was a PR dream for the entire after show, using his words nicely and not speaking from the boned and thrown heartbreak that probably consumes his life. To end on an uplifting note, my father who watched the finale of Andi’s season and never saw a minute of the Bachelor(ette) afterwards responded to my text about Nick’s double dumping with “I bet he has pics of her hoo-ha to put online. He’s that kind of guy!!” Good riddance, Nick. I will not misssssSsssSssth you.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/20/15

1. Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton win runner up in July’s front page celeb divorce race.

If we’re going to rate the level of shock I was feeling at this announcement it’s probably falling around a 6, whereas my Ben/Jen shock level was at an 11. Ever since these two got married there’s been rumors of a divorce so that kind of paved the way for preparations. Don’t get me wrong they’re cute as shit together and it sucks that this happened, but in the wise words of my mother when she saw them at the Grammy’s together one year “Those two are going to get divorced right? They both seem like they want the spotlight and that doesn’t work in a marriage.” (Obviously she was forgetting about One Tree Hill…Naley <3, popstar+pro athlete=always&forever) ANYWAY it just seemed like maybe it wouldn’t really work out. RIP. Here’s hoping for some kickass breakup tunes from Miranda. Too soon?

2. Twitter Beef City, Population: Everyone. So like MTV, music videos and the PRESTIGIOUS VMA’s became relevant again this week in a big way as Nicki Minaj hopped aboard the WAHmbulance and tweeted mad shade because her music video full of buhholes (for a song that was a Baby Got Back remix) did not get nominated for video of the year. Anyway her complaint was that girls with donks don’t get no VMA love and Taylor was like excuse me but there’s no need for girl on girl hate and Nicki was like pshhh you’re not getting my point that I didn’t very clearly make in 160 characters or less and then the internet was like NICKI AND TAYLOR ARE PLOTTING EACH OTHER’S MURDERS when in reality no one was really mad at each other. They both luh and respect the other and made nice on twitter and Taylor told Nicki that she could TOTES join her onstage when she wins (cause she will.) Oh and also Katy Perry was like FOMO guys I need to also be included in this so she tweeted something incoherent with a lot of big words. Bai Katy. Go back to being a cheeto forever.

Ed Sheeran and Bruno Mars (also best video of the year nominees) had a fake twitter feud to be like HAHA girls are stupid, let’s make fun of their petty internet fights. If you’re asking me for my opinion (which I assume you ALWAYS are) Ed deserves the W for video of the year. He learned how to ballroom dance like a BO$$ for this music video and it’s CRAZY good.

Although I feel like I recapped that fight flawlessly for those who missed it…you may reference the actual tweets below (well…the ones that haven’t been deleted, I’m looking at you Tay PR) for the full picture.

If your video celebrates women with very slim bodies, you will be nominated for vid of the year 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

— Nicki Minaj (@NICKIMINAJ) July 21, 2015

Huh? U must not be reading my tweets. Didn't say a word about u. I love u just as much. But u should speak on this. @taylorswift13

— Nicki Minaj (@NICKIMINAJ) July 21, 2015

Finding it ironic to parade the pit women against other women argument about as one unmeasurably capitalizes on the take down of a woman…

— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) July 22, 2015

I thought I was being called out. I missed the point, I misunderstood, then misspoke. I'm sorry, Nicki. @NICKIMINAJ

— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 23, 2015

That means so much Taylor, thank you. @taylorswift13 ❤️❤️❤️

— Nicki Minaj (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015

Yo I want in on this twitter Beef!! VMAs is the new WWF!! @edsheeran Fuck You!

— Bruno Mars (@BrunoMars) July 22, 2015

That Cut deep..U always know how to sheer me to the core. I can't believe we're Sheeran this in public. How dare u! https://t.co/fdYOVnlScF

— Bruno Mars (@BrunoMars) July 22, 2015

OH part 2 of twitter feuds this week was in the rap world, Meek Mill (I think Nicki Minaj’s other half?…apparently date night for them is calling people out on Twitter) got all up in Drake’s biz and ranted about how he hates him or something and that he uses a ghostwriter, which I’m not positive but I think using a ghostwriter in rap speak is like the biggest diss in America or so it seems. Also Meek’s pretty pezzed that Drake was featured on his album and didn’t also promote it on social media. Drake responded the best way possible…with radio silence. Drake OBVIOUSLY wins. Also if he does use a ghost writer I don’t want to know. I’d like to blissfully live in a world where a man who wears colorful knit sweaters also wrote this: “I got money to blow, letting these bills fall all over your skin.”

3. Miley to host the VMA’s.

No seriously, I wasn’t kidding when I said the VMA’s suddenly became relevant again this week. Miley announced she was hosting in a very typical ughhhh Miley way and I’m not even a little bit kidding when I say that I might not be able to stomach an entire awards show with this tongue-out trashmonster at the helm. Not even for the blog’s sake. Never forget: the epic N*SYNC comeback being OVERSHADOWED by Miley and Robin Thicke porking onstage to Blurred Lines. So instead of encouraging this…I will bring us back to what was once good about the VMA’s and this is how I will get through my afternoon in the cube.

4. Brett gives us a tasty lick and other new tunes. Preview of new music from Brett Eldredge who I would looooove to have “just a taste” of. Too much? Too little? Just enough? Listen here. MKTO also snuck out a new banger pre-release style and it’s good shit.

5. If Kelly Clarkson sings Bye, Bye, Bye without choregraphy, did it even happen? JK I’ll cut her a break because she did a slower version but actually…how does one sing the words bye, bye, bye and not at least do the hand part? It’s physically impossible. Not to brag but I did this number for karaoke in my last week of college and yelled crushed it at the end as I threw the mic back to the DJ. Why did I crush it? Because I did the choregraphy. Duh.

BONUS: The Broadway version of Full House is a thing that’s happening and I’m getting all the uncomfies just from the cast pic:

Makes perfect sense that Michelle is the same age as her Uncle Jesse and also what’s so funny Deej?

And because I could never end on that note and leave you with Full House porn nightmares…please enjoy this super cute fat face baby pic from hunk Scott Eastwood.

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A post shared by Scott Eastwood (@scotteastwood)

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Author Archives: Thesaltyju

Ranking Mary Kate & Ashley’s Movie Boyfs

Best of OTH Mix Part 2

Justin Timber-Tuesday

Teen Choice Awards Red Carpet

Top Notch Timeflies Tuesday

Summer Palooza 2k10

The Bachelorette- Eskimo Brothers

Weekly JUice