Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/2021

1. Olivia is a total H-Dubb.*

* Important to note that for a short period of time in high school, whenever we heard of some teenage hussy breaking up an already probably short-lived couple, we called that hussy an H-Dubb which was shorthand for homewrecker. Natch, there were no homes being wrecked when teens went to Friday night football games together and maybe smooched a few times…but that insult really slapped and I miss the days when we could just casually romp around free period calling bitches H-Dubbs.

Anyway, as soon as this juicy piece of salacious goss hit the internet streets, I knew I had to bring the JUice back from the dead so I could talk mad shit on John Mulaney trying to convince the whole world that he didn’t cheat on his wife and that Olivia Munn isn’t H-Dubb City. Literally the SECOND he bounced outta rehab it was swirling that these two were dating and I rolled my eyes out of my cranium. You know what typically doesn’t signify ever-lasting love? When you hop from a marriage to a new relationship. THEN ADD FRESH OUT OF REHAB ON TOP OF THAT. Boy oh boy all of this is dumb. But whatevs. They were keeping it mostly under the radar. Until this week, when John made the most calculated move of all time to announce their baby on Seth Meyers by literally giving us all a dummy timeline. THAT SCREAMS I’M A GUILTY, HO. Hey everyone, it’s been a minute since I’ve seen you so let me give you a month by month blow (no pun intended) of my last year so that I can clear my name and then toss a baby on at the end. LOLOLOL OK, John. We ain’t that stupid. As you might expect, this timeline has already been thrown directly in the trash as people are coming out of the woodwork to say he didn’t file for divorce until spring when he was already dating Olivia and while he was relapsin hoard he was also banging strange. Not quite the scripted and premeditated squeaky clean image he’s trying to paint here with the help of his buddy Seth. Now onto the equally as guilty party, Olivia. In an interview in 2015 she talked about meeting John and his then-fiance at a wedding and being obsessed with him and following him around all night then emailing him afterward. 2015, folks. What a thirsty bitcc. Girl has pretty much always had a boneski for John. But yeah, they just met recently at church.

And like I said, whatevz, do your thang, booboo. Except that now you’re dragging a kid into the mix and also pretending this has been a wholesome union from the start. Just go full Angelina and Brad and own your bad selves. And on top of it AWL, John Mulaney has been vocal as hell about never wanting kids. CRINGE MY FACE OFF. All of his standup routines about never wanting kids are creeping out of the woodwork and oh baby is this a disaster. Probably should’ve just pulled a Kylie Jenner (part 1) and popped that baby out in secret rather than make a big announcement hoopla about it so everyone is inserting themselves into your messy sitch. BTW, Kylie Jenner (part 2) and Jennifer Lawrence also announced pregnancies this week but their announcements weren’t clouded with a scandal so they slipped right under the radar. I mean, Kylie got knocked up by her ex-boyfriend but that’s the norm in the Kardashian/Jenner world…let your man do whoever just make sure all your kids have the same daddy. And Jennifer Lawrence got married first and pregnant a couple of years later…YAWN. But CONGRATS TO ALL! A baby is a gift from God unless it’s brought into this world on a throne of lies, of course. JUS SAYIN.

2. Steve Made Millennials Cry.

So about that time Steve went off to college… #BluesClues25 pic.twitter.com/O8NOM2eRjy
— Nick Jr. (@nickjr) September 7, 2021

From 1995 until 2002, our green-striped homie Steve and his dog Blue were solving all of the clues with their handy dandy notebook and their big ole thinking chair over on Nick Jr. Back when Nick Jr. had “face” and was the BEST reward for staying home from school sick on the couch. You know, the good ole days. And then we all grew up and started watching a little less of blue cartoon dogs and overanimated adults and a little more true crime. And I don’t really think one single person gave it a second thought. That was until Steve rolled back through with this viral video for the 25th anniversary of Blues Clues. And all of the millennials lost their SHIT. Steve said I look good! Steve said I helped him! STEVE LOVES ME. Hats off to Nick Jr. for crushing the marketing game for their anniv because not only did this shit blow up but it also created a buttload of memes for everyone to use. And the best part? I didn’t even know Steve “went to college.” I didn’t even know he left the show at all until my little whippersnapper niece started getting into the Nick Jr. game and I was like who the hell is this jabroni hanging out with Blue? BECAUSE WHEN YOU GROW UP YOU STOP WATCHING KIDS SHOWS. Weird, right?! So Steve went to college. And then came back to tell us all about it. And I think what’s even more shocking is that there was a WHOLE OTHER PERSON in between Steve and Josh. Steve had a brother named Joe, WHO KNEW?! Seriously I learned so much from this 25 year campaign, I feel like they’re sneaky trying to make these three into the next comedy trio.

Not saying that we need a spinoff with all three hosts of Blue’s Clues, but also not NOT saying that… #BluesClues25 pic.twitter.com/YjcdfwxvQM
— Nick Jr. (@nickjr) September 2, 2021

What I didn’t need refreshing on, is the Mail song. That shit has slapped the hardest since day 1 and if I’m 30 years old still singing the mail song to my niece word for word you KNOW that was a bop. Mailtime, Mailtime, MAAIILLLTIIIIIME. Here’s the mail it never fails it makes me wanna wag my tail when it comes I wanna wail MAAAAAAIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLL. Nailed it. (Seaweed arms not included)

3. Shiver.

Ed’s back, baby! Between John Mayer dropping an album this summer, Ed’s is coming in October and then we get the Taylor Swift 10 minute All Too Well in November…I’m in a musical sweet spot right now. The only thing that would put me right over the edge is a JT album on top of it all. Come out, come out wherever you are! I know all you famous musicians weren’t touring for the past two years, so GIVE US THE GOODS. Anyway sorry that my “Ed has more new music” excitement turned into threatening Justin Timberlake. It happens to the best of us. Remember a couple of months ago when Ed dropped Bad Habits with that terrifying vampire video? And I was like WHAT HAPPENED TO ED? Yeh, I still kinda feel that way with this song. I mean these are fun little ditties he’s giving us, but this is a little bit of a shock. He’s going for a real jarring visual vibe here and Ed is just a casj guy stomping all over that loop pedal. Did I enjoy seeing his attempts at dancing in this video? Yes, obviously. But would I prefer to have something with a little more substance? 1 Trillion Percent. Hoping that when the full album drops we’ll get a taste of some deeper cuts.

4. Nashville’s a Small Town.

Obviously you already know that celeb drama makes me salivate because otherwise why the hell would I maintain a blog for almost 7 years now based on the dramz. What you don’t know is that the thirst for goss runs in the family. After doing a deep dive on Facebook to find out the personal details of a high school teacher’s life I texted my sister for tips on how to find out some intel because I’d scrolled almost 8 years back and wasn’t seeing anything. She told me what my next move should be and lo and behold, I found what I was looking for. As I looked back in horror at an afternoon filled with trying to find out intimate deets on a stranger’s life through social media, I asked my sister, “Why are we the nosiest people on this earth?” And she promptly replied, “It’s in our blood.” So it’s fine, everyone. It’s like a disease. You wouldn’t look down on someone with Lupus so why are you JUDGING US BECAUSE WE NEED TO KNOW EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE?! Since my twinny twin is just as much of a shitstirrer as I am, it’s important that you know that she broke the news on this Nashville Love Triangle. I’ll let her break it down for you in shorthand:

First important note to make, we’re on a first name basis with this crew. Jana and Kristin are D-list celebrities and Jay is a retired athlete and yet we’re referring to them as if they’re the cream of the crop for fame. Second of all, we knew right from the jump that this was not an amicable divorce and no matter how hard Jay and Kristin try to make it seem like they’re a united front and there’s no issues between the two of them, it KILLS Kristin to see Jay dabble with ANYONE and his specialty seems to be women who run in the same circles as his ex-wife. Coincidence? I think not. Meanwhile, Kristin can smooch whoever she wants. Cliff, Bony Bob, Little Mo with the gimpy leg. No backlash at Kristin. Only Jay. GET OUTTA HERE WITH THAT. I’m Team Jay through and through. There’s only one guy who can nail that dry sarcastic delivery and captivate me for days with an Instagram-story hunt of a chicken killer on the loose and that’s Jay Cutler. HOW-EV-ER. I cannot support a union with Jana Kramer. Jana is a slob kebab when it comes to barfing up things that should 1000% be kept private. From doing a podcast with her sex addicted cheating husband and airing their dirty laundry right up until their divorce to giving us a blow by blow of her boob job (which she got to keep her husband…………ahem…..it didn’t work.) Don’t get me wrong, it’s like watching a trainwreck. I just yapped about how my sister and I are nosy nellies. Of course we eat that shit up. But Jay doesn’t need more drama in his life. He needs to stop chasing the dancing on the bar in Cabo girls and find himself a nice out of the spotlight southern belle. No more reality stars, no more teen soap stars. Maybe a nice huntin’ gal who looks good in camo.

Just kidding, I don’t want to be IN this drama, I just want to observe from afar. Anyway, according to the papz, Jana is claiming her and Kristin aren’t even friends. Kristin has blocked her on social and has been slobbering all over country singer Chase Rice’s nob v. publicly at some of the most popular tourist bars in Nashville. (BE MORE OBVIOUS) And Jay is like yeah…we went on one date… BUT THEN, gr8 timing, as I was typing this the saga continued to unfold as I received this alert from my sister:

Shocking to no one, my brother in law is not entertained by our rabid need to pretend we are a part of these peoples’ lives. After the tip from my assistant reporter, I immediately scurried over to Instagram where I found both Jay and Jana had shared stories from Nate Bargatze’s show. Nate was just one of the first guests on Jay’s new podcast so no doubt he comped him some tix and where else have you heard about Nate? OH RIGHT, MY BLOG. If you’ll recall I slobbered all over Nate in my Netflix roundup from February. I’m not saying that I’m a tastemaker but I’m not NOT saying it either. Anyway, SOMEONE is reaping the bennies of Jana’s new rack and it ain’t Nate. Your move, Kristin.

5. #FreeButtney.

I realize that every time I release a JUice there’s a Free Britney update but I promise I don’t time these out, it just so happens that every few months there’s movement in her case and since I’ve been an avid supporter of the #FreeBritney movement, it feels wrong to not see this through even though it appears as though she’s gone of the rails a little bit. Regardless of her posting her butthole & more boob shots on Instagram…

…her psychopath dad has FINALLY made moves to release her from conservatorship prison. In Jamie’s petition he said, if Britney “believes that she can handle her own life, he believes that she should get that chance.” And also that she should take a beat from posting a$$ vids to Insta. Just kidding. That wasn’t in the petition. But should it have been?

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Britney Spears (@britneyspears)

Probz. Hey Brit, no one was questioning the legitimacy of your tramp stamp dumptruck shot. Video was not necessary. Either way, the next hearing is scheduled for September 29th so stay tuned for the Free BUTTney saga to continue. Anyone placing bets on how quickly she’ll end up on OnlyFans when she’s freed from the dad shackles? Just wondering.

Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k13

Soak in the last few weeks of summer weather by kicking it back to 2013 where we were clearly in a heavy country phase. It’s fine though because it’s impossible to have the end of the summer scaries while singing about beer, cutoffs and tanlines.

Summer Jam- Jake Owen Ft. Florida Georgia Line. This song was made for summer palooza…plus there’s not a more flattering compliment than telling a chick that she’s sweeter than your sweet nanny’s lemonade.

It Goes Like This- Thomas Rhett. What a country doll Thomas is, writing songs to get girls. He obviously knows how to get tail.

Back Together- Jesse McCartney. We can all laugh it up reminiscing Jesse’s days in Dreamstreet or serenading us with Beautiful Soul but boy has GROWN UP. This was a comeback after he’d disappeared for a minute and it’s a real sassy number. Whiny kid from Summerland NO MORE!

That’s My Kinda Night- Luke Bryan. Luke does his best work when he throws down booty-shakin songs and this is one of his greatest. My kind of night is any one where I can see Luke switch his hat backward and swivel his hips, if anyone’s asking.

Brave- Sara Bareilles. Here’s an obligatory girl power song that also happened to sound almost exactly like a Katy Perry song except Katy can kick rocks because this one is way better. I just admitted that because I’m saying what I want to say…I’m being brave just like Sara told me to.

I Hope It Rains- Jana Kramer. I think this Jana song was pre-One Tree Hill in her Alex Dupre days so it’s not as saucy as when she was trying to steal Julian from Brooke Davis. Anyway, known to go down the aisle a time or two, Jana sings about an ex getting married and hoping his wedding day is ruined by a monsoon.

Blurred Lines- Robin Thicke Ft. Pharell. Hey remember when this song was the tits (literally…have you seen the video?) and then suddenly it got a lot of heat for promoting rape culture—oopsie! Either way it’s pretty catchy, sue me.

I Want Crazy- Hunter Hayes. Lil baby Hunter doesn’t want a vanilla relationship, he wants crazy love and I’m thinking maybe he should wait until he’s a little older and no longer has a curfew for such mature relationships. Has he even graduated high school yet? Anyway, I was really proud of the day I finally nailed these lyrics, it was right around the end of summer. I worked really hard.

Rebel Beat- Goo Goo Dolls. The Goo Goo Dolls went away for like a casual 10 years and got a whole lot older but when they came back they were better than ever. This song has a nice hipster vibe to it to show they aren’t stuck in the 90’s and it’s super fun.

Wasting All These Tears- Cassadee Pope. Cassadee’s a The Voice one hit wonder and this is a nice power ballad for post break up times or just like a really good car concert.

Whatever She’s Got- David Nail. This song was probably written about me cause guys are always in awe of my lethal combo of hotness and personality.

Best I Ever Had- Gavin DeGraw. Gavin went for a different sound with this one and it’s a real upbeat clapper, plus he shouts out a bunch of states in the middle of it randomly. He skips New York…I’ll have to forgive him for his obvious misstep.

Don’t Ya- Brett Eldredge. Brett’s first single before he was my future husband! Oh how far he’s come. Obviously it’s a banger because that’s all he releases.

Take Back the Night- Justin Timberlake. JT can do no wrong, even when he uses a slogan for rape victims as a song title. He simply tips his fedora and moonwalks away.

Round Here- Florida Georgia Line. FGL hit a hot streak with their first album and then they wore one too many barf.com vests in public and suddenly their songs weren’t as cool. This one covers all the basics though, fireball and dancing.

Gone, Gone, Gone- Phillip Phillips. What a beautiful love song from dubz Phil. What ever happened to him?

Counting Stars- OneRepublic. Ryan Tedder is always good for tunes, whether they’re his own or with others (cough cough I know places with Taylor Swift) and this one is no different.

Still Into You- Paramore. Sometimes I just like to remember the time when I thought I was punk rock because I watched the Ashlee Simpson show and Paramore always helps me do that. Girl changes her hair color to a different abrasive shade of red every 10 minutes but she knows angsty pop like nobody’s biz.

White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. He’s just so funny in his bright red shirt. Vanessa drops a HUGE clue in this one for any future suitors…just be funny and you’ve got a one way ticket into her pants.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/17/15

I don’t mean to alarm anyone but I did have a pretty serious incident this week where I was under the knife. I had my tongue sliced and stiched and therefore I’m basically bringing you the JUice this week while handicapped. I’ll take get well wishes in the form of Dunkin gift cards and appreciate you all keeping me in your #thoughtsandprayers.

1. New Fire Flametastic Music. CAN’T DRAG 1D DOWN. They lose a member, get in catty twitter fights and knock a “stylist” up but don’t say 1D goes quietly into the night. This song was released about a month ago when they were trying to convince everyone that all was well but they just dropped the music video where they’re a bunch of astronauts, NBD. Good song and even better flow for ya boy Harry…seriously, lettuce for days.

Nick Jonas also gifted us with Levels today and it already has the Cin stamp of approval. I was bumping it and noticed that she couldn’t help but bop her head as she was going through the mail. That’s just what Nick does…show his abs and crank out hits for all ages.

2. Bill Hader gets super stoned in Amsterdam with a bunch of famous comedians. You know what’s funny? People getting trashed. You know what’s funnier? Famous people who are paid to be hilarious getting trashed together and telling us about it. Bill does a killer Seth Rogen impression and then Vanessa Bayer shows up at the end sounding like I did when my mom used to pick me up from the bars at 4AM ~~back in the day~~ last weekend.

3. Julianne Hough is engaged while Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox are this week’s celeb trip to D-town.

We continue our theme of where there is love there is loss. Julianne Hough and her hottie hockey boyf get engaged (no ring pics yet BOOOOOO) and Brian Austin Green/Megan Fox are the next victims of the summer of Divorce. To be completely honest with you, I was more devastated by the news that Donna and David were having trouble in paradise than I was for this divorce of actual humans and not fictional characters. But seriously, 90210 ends with Donna and David finally togets forevs, then they announce a reboot 90210 and tease the dream team coming back for a guest appearance so I dutifully watched a GARBAGE show for an entire season only to see Donna come back SANS David and announce they’re probably getting divorced. I apologize, I just got fired up again merely rehashing it for you. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES, DONNA AND DAVID FOREVER.

4. BaBaY New$. Jana Kramer got married like five minutes ago and now she’s preggeroni. This week she announced it will be a girl through an incredibly awksies gender reveal insta video.

https://instagram.com/p/6hwj73LMvj/?taken-by=kramergirl

Kelly Clarkson announced she’s having baby #2 accidentally after a case of the mid-concert sobsies. It’s cute because she wants to assure everyone she isn’t drunk or high she’s just pregnant and that’s why she can’t stop crying onstage. Watch 1:40 if you want to hear the announcement.

5. The She-Pratt had a casual crystal meth addiction at 14. I think I’m more shocked by the fact that anyone still keeps tabs on Stephanie Pratt rather than the fact that she apparently couldn’t get enough of the ice when she was barely a teen. It kind of all makes sense now. It’s the final piece of the missing puzzle. She once had a hamster when she was little but then she got all hopped up on the crank and bingo bango suddenly she has a guinea pig. The GREAT news is that you can read all about her childhood drug addiction in her memoir, because that’s what we were all missing in our lives.

Bonus: Cookie and Lucious battle it out Lyon style.

PRAISE Taraji doing Mary J Blige and MJB literally playing second fiddle to her onstage. That’s how you lip sync like a boss bitch. Credit where credit is due to Terrence for making the high notes of the greatest babymakin song of all time look real life. Clap it up for laying it all on the line just for round 1. More of this in Empire next season, pls.

Music

TBT- Best of One Tree Hill Mix

Since it’s Thursday I thought it would be an approps time to throw it back to the years when I pretended that I lived in Tree Hill, North Carolina and was friends with a bunch of cool kids who got married, started clothing labels, became touring singers and had babies in high school. Obviously this show was the most realistic it could have been and that’s why it holds a special place in my heart and I hope many* of yours too. (*could be an exaggeration) There’s no better way to share my love for One Tree Hill than through a mix tape of the best songs from seasons 1-9 and obviously I’ve accompanied each song with commentary and back story so that you can relive all of the drama and all of the feels. I realize that this was really Peyton of me to make a mixtape and I can assure you that while there may be some downers on this mix, I tried to keep them at minimum.

When The Stars Go Blue-Haley James & Chris Keller (OR Bethany Joy Lenz & Tyler Hilton). I hate to start you off with the song that sparked the ALMOST Naley annulment but we needed to address the tough stuff right away. These two sound fab togets but obv Chris couldn’t keep his hands home and had to go and ruin everything for half of the series…glad he was able to make his triumphant comeback in Season 9 though, no hard feelsies.
Non-Believer-La Rocca. Let me just preface this by saying that I started out making this with every intention of keeping the songs in order so you could properly relive their story, but it just didn’t flow the way it should have. So we’re going to do some jumping around. This was one of those supes dramats songs that Peyton was all “music heals everything and makes it better”. I’m pretty sure she whipped this one out when Hayles was casj in a coma while 8 months preggo after Nathan sacrificed her for some point shavinz. It’s included because it’s actually a rare upbeat choice from Ms. Sawyer…the rest made me want to slit my wrists.
The Funeral-Band of Horses. This jam is off one of the offish. soundtracks that I actually bought in CD form back in the day when people purchased CD’s, so you know it’s an OTH classic. It can have some downer tones, but I tried my hardest to only have a couple depressing songs on this mix and try to keep it surprisingly upbeat for a show that had casj school shootings/murders and pro athletes in wheelchairs with mullets. I’m pretty sure the funeral was used a couple different times, no doubt over some dramats scenes with Lucas quoting a book.
Let Me Fall-Bethany Joy Lenz. This one is added SOLELY for some lawlerskate times. Remember back in the day when Limewire was the way to get music, right around the time of AIM? Yeah I wanted this song but since she never recorded it officially, my only option was directly from the show. So TBT to this episode, you’ll know EXACTLY what’s going on because each person blabs during Haley’s performance…like have a little respect guys, it’s her first time singing in public and she’s being a baby bitch about it. Enjoy.
World Spins Madly On-The Weepies. Another sadsie. But I just made you laugh so it’s ok…I planned that, obv. This one plays after Peyton finds Ellie dead, which is a real buzzkill considering the episode it happens in was a fire flames one. Basically everyone gets back together during the storm and bangs and then Peyton goes and ruins everything by having her birth mom die and bringing her their mixtape that they made togets. Damn you, Peyton.
Halo-Haley James Scott. (Not Kidding that’s exactly how they wrote it on the CD.) OTH got real savvy with their mixes that they released every season and this one was the actual mixtape that Peyton produced with previously mentioned dead mom, further blurring reality and TV, which obviously just made me feel like I was actually a part of Tree Hill more than is normal. But this is by FAR Hale’s best jam. Even Nathan was like k cool this is good let’s stay married. He didn’t want to be hitched to a one-hit wonder probably.
Someday-Bryan Greenberg. Such an underrated character/storyline. Jake & Peyton were a whiny/we have adult problems at 16 match made in heaven. And of course she was like btw I dream about Lucas and probably love him or something. I still don’t understand how she could make that declaration AFTER he performed this song for her live, confessing his love. Also legit great song, I actually wish he was a musician more than an actor.
Babe I’m Gonna Leave You-Led Zeppelin. This is an actual hardcore throwback. Back to the days when Den had a mullet and was in a band called Zipper. (WOOF). This is a generally good song, but I also cannot listen to it without thinking of Nathan, Rachel & Cooper being immersed in the river with Haley in her wedding dress wailing at the top of the bridge. AND THEN THE CRACKER JACK BRACELET SURFACES IN THE WATER. At that point in time, I DIDN’T KNOW IF NATHAN WOULD MAKE IT. Okay, I need to stop…too many feels. Classic rock magic.
Feel This-Bethany Joy Galeotti Ft. Enation. Ok now we’re in the days where Jamie is a cutie little bear & not an actual large bear with braces, obviously we’re doing our best not to mention Jimmy Jam because he should’ve stayed a baby forever instead of ruining the series. Hales is all, I wanna be a mom and a teacher and also a pop star. And Nathan’s all go for your dreams because I can walk now and I will be a pro athlete again and pretend I never had a mullet or paralysis. So she starts recording again, a little weirder stuff, but still ok. Everything after this should be forgotten because that’s when she starts singing about spaceships or something. This should’ve been her retirement song.
No Good-Kate Voegele. Speaking of Hales going pop star, Kate (or Mia in the show) was the one who gave her the inspiration. The weirdo with a hoodie in a band with gangstah Kevin Federline. Since the show basically brought her fame, every single song she recorded was also featured on OTH. I chose this one because it’s a good FU song for when you’re feeling feisty. Mia performed it for the first time and was being a pussybitch about it but then saw that wigga KFed was there and decided to deliver him a cold serving of I’m onstage and you’re not. YOU’RE NO GOOD KFAT.
Wedding Dress-Matt Nathanson. Hey remember when they teased at Peyton dying a bunch of times before deciding the best way to write her out would be to just have her drive away? Kewl guys. This was death scare number 2 in season 6. Her and Lucas FINALLY got married and they’re being all adorbsies when ALL OF THE SUDDEN Peyton starts bleeding out all over her wedding gown. Always with the dramatics, Peyton. She died for just enough time for everyone to cry about it. Then lived and had a healthy 2 year old baby. Pretty realistic.
Within You-Ray LaMontagne. Sad song again. It’s been a while though so I thought it was time. This was played a couple times that were boo-hootastic. First was when Brooke dumps Lucas after the grand Naley wedding/drownfest. She was so mature and was like hey by the way peace out because you can’t keep your eyes or your mouth off my BFF. It was kind of sad but more so annoying. Who cheats on Brooke? Honestly. Second time was when they had graduated and they all left their lame HS house party to play basketball at the river court and deface public property with graffiti. Jk. This was actually kind of sad because it was HIGH SCHOOL graduation and one of them was already going home early to check on her fresh baby. “We’ll always be friends, I know it. In four years we’ll be back here together.”-Brooke (or the writers, guaranteeing a 5^th season).
Whiskey-Jana Kramer. I can’t believe I made you wait this long for our fave little cutter-slut Alex Dupre. This was when she decided to be a good person and show everyone she’s also a country singer. She performed this at Tric in a sparkly mini skirt and won Tree Hill’s hearts back. What a gem she was.
Half Moon-Blind Pilot. This was played in the series finale when they were flashing back to the HS days and reflecting on their choices. They were SO old and wise by the end of the series…oh wait they were all roughly OUR AGE and married with kids. Crushing young adult life.
Almost Everything-Wakey!Wakey!. Another band that OTH incorporated into the show and then played every one of their songs. I don’t hate it. In fact I had quite the difficult time picking the right one for this mix because I really dig them all. So this band was Grubbs the bartender in the show who miraculously had singing talent and would only record if he could also bang the British record lady. ADORBZ. Most of his songs were played in the season 7 finale when Haley is just peeking out of her creepy depression after her mom died. Not to be insensitive, but she set her piano on fire…So this song is happy because she’s like trying to smile and not drown herself and they’re all in Utah having some happy snow times.
The Good Kind-The Wreckers. Here we are throwing it back again to season 2 when Haley chooses music over Nathan (sob) and tours with The Wreckers. Also always thought it was random nation that Michelle Branch was popping up in epis of OTH. Haley fangirls all over them and they’re like Haley you’re actually so talented and she’s like really? Ok I’ll leave my husband and tour with you guys then! And they’re like we didn’t offer. JK they did. Whatevs. #StillBitter.
I Want Something That I Want-Grace Potter & Bethany Joy Galeotti. When Haley first starts thinking about music again post-Jamie and Nathan’s dead legs miraculous recovery, she’s like I don’t even know if I’m good anymore wah wah I miss singing for fun. And so she randomly shows up at a park and starts singing with this street performer broad. And they start playing the same song and harmonizing as if they’ve practiced or something. And that’s how Haley James Scott got her groove back.
Loaded Gun-Tyler Hilton. There’s a million Chris Keller songs to pick from but I wanted music from the funny/dum dum Chris Keller that we actually liked from the last season rather than homewrecker/douchebag Chris Keller from the first 3 seasons. He rocks this one out at Tric when he’s trying to impress a label exec and stick it to her. This is before he saves Nathan from Russian ‘nappers. What a bossman.
Us Against The World-Coldplay. Whoops last sappy song I promise. This is the song they play when Dan dies and has a fake(? Still unsure about that one) conversation with Nathan at the river court and they forgive each other and it gets really dusty in the room and a piece gets stuck in my eye and it starts to maybe water a little bit. Then Keith comes back and picks up Danny and they carpool to heaven (Keith gives Dan a guest pass I’m assuming). So like yeah, it’s sad and stuff but when you think about how weird it was it’s not too bad. Also he was a murderer so let’s not casj let that one slide by.
Solder-Gavin DeGraw. I could’ve easily taken the cheap route and put the theme song last but honestly I know you’ve heard it 70000 times and we can all agree that season 7’s hipster variations of it each episode essentially ruined it for me. So I chose this one because it was in the series finale when Gavs came back for a Tric appearance and Haley sounded like a circus announcer (never forget). It’s a sweet song & I wanted to end this debauchery down memory lane on a sweet note, so there you have it.

There is only one Tree Hill, & it’s your home.

it’s fictional.

Even though it’s fictional DOES not mean it didn’t give us lots of feels, which is why I’m not ashamed to have given you this mix. Play it on repeat, always……………………….and forever.

Country, JUice, Music, Pop Culture, Television

Weekly JUice

1. Jimmy Fallon and wife Nancy welcome their second daughter. Surprise! Since their first daughter Winnie is adorbsies (a rare thing you’ll hear me say), I have high hopes for baby #2 except for the fact that they named her Frances Cole. Frances.Fallon. WHYYY?! I look forward to cute pics of the two girls dressed up in something fluffy and posing with Gary, the lovable Fallon pup. I act like Jimmy and I are best friends because I watch the Tonight Show…doesn’t everyone? Next up: fingers crossed for another JT appearance. It’s been almost a year and its unnacceptable. (that was completely unrelated to Jimmy having another baby, but it needed to be said.)

2. Jake Owen cut his signature long locks. Famous for bro country songs like Barefoot Blue Jean Night, Beachin, and Days of Gold, Jake is the epitome of surfer brah. Welp he no longer looks the part. He buzzed…and I’m not saying I supported his long hair wholeheartedly, but I grew to love that mom haircut of his and now I just don’t know what to think. I need a good front angle pic STAT to decide.

3. Blake Lively stepped out again on the red carpet with FLAWLESS maternity fashion. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that Blake is the hottest pregnant woman alive, just nailing it lately. (That statement is only sorta biased, everyone knows Blake is my #1 girl crush) This week she sported this tight black backless gown:

Let’s not forget the yellow gown from about a month ago:

BAM. Lotta pressure for this baby to be the most beautiful creature on this earth.

4. Jana Kramer (formerly of One Tree Hill as Alex Dupre) now known for the woman who gets engaged every few months. You guessed it! Jana is engaged again, for the 4th time! Michael Caussin, NFL tight end (free agent) proposed a few days ago on Jana’s 31st birthday. They’ve been dating since August. If you’d like a brief recap, Jana was married in 2004 (divorced several months later), then again in 2009 to the actor famously known for the “I quit” scene in That Thing You Do (divorced 1 month later), most recently Jana was engaged to Brantley Gilbert, the trashiest of country singers, usually seen on red carpets wearing a bejeweled cross tee and black hat covering his eyes. They didn’t make it to the altar and broke off the engagement several months later. And here we are. Jana released her first single in a while over the summer that she has hashtagged to death called Love in which she sings “I still believe in wedding rings and bibles, I still believe the best walk you’ll ever take is walking down the aisle.” Well, girl would know…she’s an expert by now! (This may seem like a low blow but try following someone on social media who posts her own lyrics from one song for 6 months straight and then you might understand.)

5. Aaron Carter continues to prove that he’s still obsessed with Hilary Duff and would like a second shot now that she’s single and he’s a washed up teen singer looking for a comeback and touring the country at 10 bucks a ticket. In the event that you weren’t a Disney tween like myself, Aaron Carter and Hilary Duff dated on and off from 2001-2003 until Lindsay Lohan got in the mix and Hil was like SEE YA. You’re better than that, Hil, good call. When Hil separated from her NFL hubbie Mike Comrie last year, Aaron tweeted his support with some not so subtle hints that she’s the love of his life and he’s gonna get her back. YIKES bro let it go. Well he hasn’t. He instagrammed this photo this week showing him pining over his teenage love by watching their teenage cheesy Christmas movie. Here’s hoping that Double A moves on soon and uses 2015 to pen some more jams like “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)” and “That’s How I Beat Shaq”. BOOM. BOOM. I put it in the hoop like SLAM. SLAM.

The comments are lawlworthy

Ah young love.

And just to get you revved for the weekend:

You’re welcome.

Country, Music, Red Carpet, Television

CMA’s Fashion, Ya’ll!

Here’s the CMA’s post where we judge people based on what they chose to wear. If you want to judge people based on what they chose to sing, please see my second installment-the recap. Here’s the deal. I got a fevah and the only prescription is more awards shows. Once I get a taste I need it to be awards season STAT. Since this is the first of 100 country music awards shows this year (all of them having strikingly similar names), country singers will have plenty of chances for redemption if they made my worst dressed list. They’ll obviously be reading this and taking my opinions into account when picking their next show outfit.

Here are the Worst Dressed:

Hillary from Lady A. What’s the deal with the V neck suspender sitch? No other words to describe that.

Gretchen Wilson staying true to her 2004 (TWO THOUSAND FOUR, DAMN) song “Redneck Woman”.

All that’s missing is a red solo cup of Fleischmann’s. Keep it classy, gurl.

Real Talk: has Hunter EVER not looked like a 15 year old sneaking into prom?

Kacey Musgraves with Elvira hair. Nuff said. Also on the right: flashback to her craft fair boots & dress combo from Grammy’s.

People don’t forget.

Sam Hunt is the newcomer hottie to the country scene. I wish he wouldn’t have ruined that with this mariachi/pirate shirt.

Scarlett from Nashville aka Clare Bowen probably let her new homeless friend with the voice of an angel dress her.

Zoey from Nashville aka Chaley Rose trying to steal the spotlight as always. Less is more.

Ugh.

The gr8 news is there are more best dressed than worst dressed, so I’m actually T-ing down the judgements. Here’s all the singers who got it right.

Best dressed:

This is a worst/best combo if we’re being honest. Brantley is probably wearing a jewel encrusted affliction tee under that blazer. Brett OBVIOUSLY steals the show wearing a classy suit and accessorizing with his pure sexiness. It’s no caveman toga, but whatevs.

Carrie never disappoints. This one actually isn’t my favorite but she’ll have probably 100 outfit changes as host and I assume most of them will be top notch. Also, legs.

Cassadee Pope looking elegant and classy

RAYNA JAMES. TAMI TAYLOR. CONNIE BRITTON.

I mean seriously. With her hair she could wear a trash bag and win all the awards. Bow down, bitches.

They only made the best dressed because long hair (still don’t know his name) isn’t wearing a leather vest with no shirt underneath. He’s done that far too many times and I’ve had to choke back vomit.

Jana Kramer always looks gorgeous. Now if only she would stop ending every social media post with #love to shamelessly promote her latest single. That’s all I want for Christmas.

Josh Turner proving you don’t need a cowboy hat or sparkly vest/belt at the CMA’s. Yum.

Kimberly from The Band Perry. Simple and not being overshadowed by her brothers’ afros.

What I imagine Taylor Swift would’ve worn if she was still country (sigh)

You know, cause she’s got that red lip classic thing that Harry likes. JK-Lucy looks fab though.

Hey Nicole Kidman. THIS is how you wear lace. Maddie & Tae lookin’ like a couple of dimes.

Miranda going classic. If we’re being honest I preferred her performance dress, but the red carpet hair/makeup looks fresh.

Queen and King of country.

SWOOOONNN. Okay now please put on your black v neck and backwards hat and shake it.

That’s it for the red carpet roundup. Which one was your favorite look? Are you too busy drooling over those Southern men? Are you a guy and puking from that last statement? STAY TUNED FOR FULL SHOW RECAP. CAUSE WHY NOT?!

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: Jana Kramer

Weekly JUice

Summer Palooza 2k13

TBT- Best of One Tree Hill Mix

Weekly JUice

CMA’s Fashion, Ya’ll!