Tag Archives: Vanessa Bayer

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/15/16

1. I’m old.

This was apparently so that old people could understand this song, but like I needed it just as much as the next geezer. Pretty hilar that “Instagram” translates to posting pictures for strangers to like. I mean, that’s basically what it is, but saying it like that makes it sound a whole lot more like an AIM chatroom for sexual predators. Either way, let’s all promise to go HAM sammich this weekend.

2. Happy Endings Movie.

suh cyuht

So, a wealthy investor offered to fund a Happy Endings movie and David Caspe didn’t say yes? Well that’s just PREPOSTEROUS. If you’re not going to do a movie, at least hop on that Netflix Nostalgia and choo-choo your way to another season full of Alex burying her face in a full rack of ribs and Penny giving me 100 new annoying abbrevs to use ad nauseam.

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3. Pacey Wins.

It’s how many years later and Dawson’s still a big loser with a capital L. James Corden put Joey Potter on the hotspot this week and asked the real hard-hitting questions…who was a better kisser, Pacey or Dawson. After squirming around, Ryan Reynolds stepped right in and gave us the most obvious answer ever. OF COURSE Pacey was a better kisser… I mean he slept with his teacher when he was like 16. He had PLENTY of practice. Dawson practiced on a mannequin.

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4. Don’t Sleep on the Stapletons.

Chris Stapleton has been the country singer to watch this year as he’s sweeping awards and duetting with JT like nobody’s biz. This duet with his wife was just officially released (they cover it at their shows) and I can’t say I’ve ever been a fan of the song “You Are My Sunshine” but this version is rad. Good for “rocking on your front porch while sipping a whiskey” jam.

Click here to listen.

Also it took a lot for me to say that considering my blind rage toward the lyric “You are my sunshine” ever since the wall decor section in Teej was ‘sploding with variations of it for FAR TOO LONG. Sorry, I just got mad again while reliving the pain. HOW MANY DIFFERENT WAYS CAN YOU HIGHLIGHT SUNSHINE IN YELLOW ON A CANVAS? Ugh. Now I need to listen to the Stapletons soothing voices again to calm me down. Full disclosure-it’s entirely possible that I’m on a TJX Companies black list for the amount of time I spent in the store rearranging their signs for this perfect picture. WORTH IT.

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5.  The Rachel is making a comeback.

This is technically not from this week but it’s still worth watching. Vanessa’s Rachel impression might’ve made the Salty before, but this was full in costume and with a touch of Friends racism, so it’s better. Even Pheebs thinks so. Also it’s more entertaining than the fake-out Friends reunion that they’re still trying to trick everyone with.

BONUS: Blake doing the damn thing during fashion week.

I did not wake up like this. 🎶

A photo posted by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/17/15

I don’t mean to alarm anyone but I did have a pretty serious incident this week where I was under the knife. I had my tongue sliced and stiched and therefore I’m basically bringing you the JUice this week while handicapped. I’ll take get well wishes in the form of Dunkin gift cards and appreciate you all keeping me in your #thoughtsandprayers.

1. New Fire Flametastic Music. CAN’T DRAG 1D DOWN. They lose a member, get in catty twitter fights and knock a “stylist” up but don’t say 1D goes quietly into the night. This song was released about a month ago when they were trying to convince everyone that all was well but they just dropped the music video where they’re a bunch of astronauts, NBD. Good song and even better flow for ya boy Harry…seriously, lettuce for days.

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Nick Jonas also gifted us with Levels today and it already has the Cin stamp of approval. I was bumping it and noticed that she couldn’t help but bop her head as she was going through the mail. That’s just what Nick does…show his abs and crank out hits for all ages.

2. Bill Hader gets super stoned in Amsterdam with a bunch of famous comedians. You know what’s funny? People getting trashed. You know what’s funnier? Famous people who are paid to be hilarious getting trashed together and telling us about it. Bill does a killer Seth Rogen impression and then Vanessa Bayer shows up at the end sounding like I did when my mom used to pick me up from the bars at 4AM back in the day last weekend.

3. Julianne Hough is engaged while Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox are this week’s celeb trip to D-town. 

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We continue our theme of where there is love there is loss. Julianne Hough and her hottie hockey boyf get engaged (no ring pics yet BOOOOOO) and Brian Austin Green/Megan Fox are the next victims of the summer of Divorce. To be completely honest with you, I was more devastated by the news that Donna and David were having trouble in paradise than I was for this divorce of actual humans and not fictional characters. But seriously, 90210 ends with Donna and David finally togets forevs, then they announce a reboot 90210 and tease the dream team coming back for a guest appearance so I dutifully watched a GARBAGE show for an entire season only to see Donna come back SANS David and announce they’re probably getting divorced. I apologize, I just got fired up again merely rehashing it for you. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES, DONNA AND DAVID FOREVER.

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4. BaBaY New$. Jana Kramer got married like five minutes ago and now she’s preggeroni. This week she announced it will be a girl through an incredibly awksies gender reveal insta video.

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Kelly Clarkson announced she’s having baby #2 accidentally after a case of the mid-concert sobsies. It’s cute because she wants to assure everyone she isn’t drunk or high she’s just pregnant and that’s why she can’t stop crying onstage. Watch 1:40 if you want to hear the announcement.

5. The She-Pratt had a casual crystal meth addiction at 14. I think I’m more shocked by the fact that anyone still keeps tabs on Stephanie Pratt rather than the fact that she apparently couldn’t get enough of the ice when she was barely a teen. It kind of all makes sense now. It’s the final piece of the missing puzzle. She once had a hamster when she was little but then she got all hopped up on the crank and bingo bango suddenly she has a guinea pig. The GREAT news is that you can read all about her childhood drug addiction in her memoir, because that’s what we were all missing in our lives.

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Bonus: Cookie and Lucious battle it out Lyon style.

PRAISE Taraji doing Mary J Blige and MJB literally playing second fiddle to her onstage. That’s how you lip sync like a boss bitch. Credit where credit is due to Terrence for making the high notes of the greatest babymakin song of all time look real life. Clap it up for laying it all on the line just for round 1. More of this in Empire next season, pls.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/29/15

1. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are crushing my dreams. Obviously, it is with a heavy heart that I relay to you the biggest piece of JUice from this week. One of my favorite celebrity couples (as seen in my Top Ten Celebrity Couples Blog, shameless plug) has decided to end their 10 year relationship and I think I am taking it harder than their own children are. The rumors were swirling for months but I refused to believe that garbage until finally the statement was released this week and I was forced to face the music. The most down to earth, cool, casj couple of Hollywood with three cute little nuggets are divorcing. I’m still mourning this and all that I ask is that you please respect my privacy during this difficult time. They asked the same, and obviously Hollywood has graciously backed off…Just kidding, they literally could not be MORE up in their shit.

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2. The Relationship Gods try to soothe my pain.

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As a beautiful couple is shattered, a new one is born, and that is the circle of life. It is rumored that True Detective co-stars Taylor Kitsch & Rachel McAdams are dating and I support this wholeheartedly. Rachel McAdams is my #2 les crush (after Blake Lively) and we all know what a special place Riggs holds in my heart. Even though I will probably never be over the dismantling of Ryan Gosling & Rachel McAdams, Riggins is a WORTHY runner up to Gosling and I can only hope that they procreate. Also if this rumor ISN’T true, I will probably cry myself to sleep, nbd but HBD.

3. The OC is going to be a musical. Obviously The OC was a top notch show but quick thought…do we REALLY want a fabulous show with all it’s sarcastic and beautiful california people glory to be reincarnated in song? The answer of course, is no. I hope that this idea is squashed right quick but unfortunately I don’t think it will be…considering Autumn Reeser AKA Taylor AKA Coop’s replacement for Ryan will be playing Julie Cooper in musical form.

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4. Vanessa Bayer crushes a Rachel Green impression. Vanessa apparently is trying some new material, her impressions of everyone else on Friends were subpar but the Rachel Green was creepy accurate. This is for all the Friends superfans out there who yearn for a reunion, maybe Vanessa can do a one woman show if she works on her other characters a bit.

5. In the land of sequels, My Big Fat Greek Wedding makes its 2.0. And here’s a sneak peek of what to expect:

The first film was made 13 years ago…maybe we shouldn’t have waited so long for the sequel? Joey Fatone, YIKES. On the other hand…we’re going to get a little bit of this…which I always support:

In honor of America’s birthday…

A musical snack for your ears while you stuff your face with wieners, watermelon, pasta salad and Budweiser (just me? Oh ok..)-

Happy 4th! ‘MURRRICA.

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