Movies

Ranking Mary Kate & Ashley’s Movie Boyfs

Like many of my 90’s counterparts, I grew UP on MK&A original movies and often found myself wondering why my family vacations didn’t entail meeting a cute boy and falling in love before the week was over. They gave me travel AND boyfriend goals with their Oscar-worthy flicks. They were SO important to me, in fact, that I find myself buying them up on DVD so that I can relive the magic now that VHS players are extinct. That is how I found myself filling up a glass (or two) of wine and watching the twins take on country after country on a Saturday night, trying to remember what I ever found attractive about their cheesy foreign suitors.

Spoiler alert: New York Minute is omitted because they sold out for it and it SUCKED..stick to straight-to-VHS, girls. Getting There also does not make this list because I remember absolutely nothing about it…and do not have the desire to ever re-watch it. Saaarrryyyy.

Here the pieces of man (boy) meat are ranked from worst to best:

14. Jordan, Holiday in the Sun

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Jordan was easily my most hated MK&A character of all time and that’s including that snob of a child Keegan in this same flick. The first red flag should’ve been that Jordan was wearing a wife beater at the club…that one dirty undergarment SCREAMED that he would get them thrown in the Bahamas slammer. Red flag numero dos is that he’s a local at a vacation resort. He is NOT what time it is. Jordan is BFF’s with a sixty-year-old guy named Champlain who wears Hawaiian shirts, sketchy sunglasses and a poorly styled white mullet—yet is surprised to find out he’s a criminal. Also his career is feeding fish and he DEFINITELY smells like fish guts 24/7. Alex is on her spring break and her first date with the Jordmaster is helping him clean the fish tanks and feed his underwater friends. He obviously knows how to woo a girl. NAHT.

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First Kiss: After Jordan takes the stage to serenade Alex with an original song (it’s actually a good song…the only nice thing I’ll say about him but like… you’ve known her 1 whole day I don’t think you love her in any shade) they have a delicate kiss after he utters the worst sentence in movie history—see worst pickup line below. (Original song/First Kiss also below, I suggest watching on an empty stomach)

Worst Pickup Line: “Has anyone ever told you that I’m going to kiss you?” UGH. BLECH. VOMIT. COVER MY EYES AND EARS. If anyone ever uttered these words to me and came at my face I’d jump into the probably very near shark tank at Atlantis. Get lost, Jordan.

13. Michel, Passport to Paris

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Michel is barf city. He wears a bucket hat for FAR TOO LONG and Mel is still all about it, it MUST be the accent, there’s no other excuse. When Melanie goes to Paris her interests include froyo at the mall but when she meets starving artist (teenage flower shop employee) Michel, he teaches her about art and music. He wah wahs about his dad forcing him to be a butcher instead of a musician and honestly I can’t with Michel. You’re like 14, do less.

First Kiss: At the dance, at the same exact time that Jean kisses Ally, because twins lose their kiss virginity together or else there would be a WHOLE lot of jelly belly going around.

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Worst Pickup Line: “It’s what you feel when you look at art” He literally forces her to look at paintings. No thanks. Also he calls his grandpa “grandpazer”. Au Revoir, Michel.

12. Ryan, When In Rome

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Not only does Ryan have sonic the hedgehog hair, but he also gets friend zoned, HARD, which barely makes him viable for this list. Leila finds out that Ryan’s riding his uncle’s coattails so he can play with all of his luxurious toys and is all bye, Felicia I have goals. He obviously tells her to lighten up because he is a big spoiled turd with no redeeming qualities. Leila gets Ryan to buckle down and work for his uncle by the end but when he tries to take things to the next level again she’s like uh, could you go fix your hair?

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First Kiss: Never. Ryan gets denied TWICE…first with a handshake then with a hug. Do you need some Italian ice for that burn, Ryan?

Worst Pickup Line: “You know what they say, when in rome…” No Ryan, she still doesn’t want to run her fingers through your prickly hair.

11. Ryan, Billboard Dad

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Apparently Ryan’s stick together in the boyfriend-ranking world of the Olsen twins. This kid was a PUNK. He was like 10 years old wearing a leather jacket and had an eyebrow piercing. Hey Ryan, pull this crap in like 8 years. These girls haven’t even hit puberty, they’re certainly not going through their bad boy phase yet. Even though Ryan wasn’t a boyfriend…he actually becomes a step brother—it was necessary to include him JUST so I could publicize this picture of him wearing jorts and then casually diving into a pool while still wearing said jorts. Have you ever felt wet jeans? It’s the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. Anyway, at one point Emily says, “He should be arrested for his crimes against fashion” and I’ve never agreed with anything more. Book him.

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First Kiss: Never because he becomes family and the Olsens aren’t into incest.

Worst Pickup Line: “I got a new tattoo and it has to stay out of the water for 24 hours. Doctor’s orders.” Technically this isn’t a pickup line but that dumbass hunk diving coach Brad falls for a TATTOO THAT CAN’T GET WET (on a small child.)

10. Paolo, When In Rome

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Paolo is kiiiiind of an asshole but blames all of his a-hole qualities on being Italian, which after spending 3 months in Florence and seeing how the Italians give 0.0 F’s, kind of makes all the sense in the world. Charli (such a trendy name) likes to work hard and earn respect and Paolo is like working hard is for nerds let’s kick back and gaze into each other’s eyes while we slum our intern work off on someone else. Although it seems like Charli isn’t really into Paolo because he’s kind of a doucheypants and got her fired, she ends up falling right into his “Ciao, Bella” clutches. After calling all American girls uptight, they smooch all over Rome and he sexually teaches her how to make pizza. CAUSE HE’S ITALIAN, SO HE MAKES PIZZA. DUH. He’s not dead last on this list because I can appreciate an American girl getting swept away by a smooth talking Italiano (Paolo and Isabella, anyone?)

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First Kiss: After Charli explains what a GPS is to Paolo (who looks like she just told him that this machine would take them to Venus) they swap spit on his Vespa.

Worst Pickup Line: “It’s your first day in Roma can you please how you say chill and have some fun?” DO NOT TELL ME TO HOW YOU SAY CHILL, PIZZA BOY. 

9. Adam, The Challenge

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Adam was kind of a dweeb and definitely demoted himself on the ranking for his cheesetastic dialogue and love of Hawaiian shirts with coordinated shell necklaces, plus I’m not fully convinced that he wasn’t a ginger. (Overall could’ve done with a whole lot less Adam, a whole lot more Marcus…see #6)

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First Kiss: When they’re hiding from Max (the producer) whose trying to catch them on camera kissing so he can DQ them from the games. Stop being such a perv, Max, no one can stop this island love.

Worst Pickup Line: “I think you’re pretty amazing. Pretty and amazing.” No. Just no.

8. Jean, Passport to Paris

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Jean is good looking for a thirteen year old (I guess…in like a really non-creepy way) but he speaks shitty English and when the rain comes he gets sad (actual piece of dialogue from his mouth.) I guess I understand Ally’s attraction to him because he makes a scene at a French restaurant for her then smokes a breadstick like a REAL badass. Their relationship is impractical because neither of them knows what each other is saying, normally it would be the perfect foreign hook up…except that the girls are like 12 in this movie and it’s their first kiss. Womp wompppp. Anyway, Jean is the epitome of the study abroad boyfriend dream when he gives her a private tour of the city on his moped and throws rocks at her window. So I guess he’s alright.

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First Kiss: At the dance where him and Michel’s band plays…slow dancing and a quick peck because France plays it fast and loose.

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Worst Pickup Line: His impression of Americans: “American girls like to LAAAAAUUUUFFFF. American girls zey walk like this. Bonjour, Bonjour, OH MY GOD.” Hey Jean, no one says Bonjour in America. Get it right if you’re going to take the stage for a five star impression.

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7. Cody, Billboard Dad

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Cody was cool to the max and more than willing to use his LA connects to woo Tess, his middle school crush. Deduct points for his bucket hat, but we’ll let it slide because he’s an aspiring rapper and invited Tess on a date to see No Doubt in concert—when she can’t attend he brings her back a tape of the concert and a t-shirt. What a dreamboat he is.

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First Kiss: Cody wears a leather jacket because he thinks Tess is into bad boys and when he confesses he doesn’t know what else to do to get her to like him she gives him a kiss on the cheek. PG style, obv. (Side note: he can’t tell the twins apart which pretty much voids his crush if he doesn’t even know which one he likes)

Worst Pickup Line: Any time he raps…bro needs a little work on his lyrics but he’s got nothing but time for that.

6. Marcus, The Challenge

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I probably shouldn’t openly admit that when I’m dazzled by a guy his personality takes the backseat but that is clearly the case with Marcus. He’s a doucheroni and basically sniffs around for dirt then uses it against Lizzy and Shane in the competition for better TV ratings, typical reality show slime machine. But have you seen those eyes? And that smile? And when he rocks a backwards baseball hat? Swoon. Plus he’s only an intern and the producer is already taking notes from him…so he’s obviously going places.

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First Kiss: After Lizzy makes it through the final challenge without getting eaten by snakes Marcus swoops in and is all congrats I’m proud of you even though I created this challenge based on your worst fear.

Worst Pickup Line: Probably the part where he confesses he’s been a snitch. Kinda hard to get the girl when you’re telling her that you’ve been manipulating the show to make her life mizzz.

5. Brian, Winning London

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Brian was gr8 because he was a moron. He made sports references every other sentence (we get it, you play football) and had literally no idea Riley was in love with him, thus continually calling her kiddo and telling her that he’ll never forget the time she ralphed up hot dogs at the Dodgers game. Riles is persistent though and teaches him to dance with some very PG hip-bumping until her sister accidentally C-blocks her. Finally the two find love in a hopeless place (an air duct) and ride off into the sunset on a horse, obviously. Brian may have been stupid, but he was a real piece of man meat who held his pinky up while drinking tea…plus Bri & Ri? Could there be a more compatible couple name?

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First Kiss: In an air duct after Ri tells Bri calling her kiddo makes her undies drier than the Sahara.

Worst Pickup Line: When he gives Riley a sports pep talk before she has to make the final debate instead of Chloe. Find your chill, Brian.

 

4/3. Pete & Avery, Our Lips Are Sealed

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Let’s get real here, these two were EXACTLY the same person. They were basically twins themselves, and even completed each other’s sentences. Whatever, I don’t hate it because they were obviously top BF material but we’ll just refer to them as one—Pevery (yikes.) The “surfies” were into xtreme sports (walking across the Sydney bridge, jetskis, surfing), were chill AF and didn’t care about the popular betches. Plus like they had surfer bodies, killer tans and perfect teen popstar hair. What more do you want from them? What–am I supposed to say something funny here? SOMETHING FUNNY!

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First Kiss: Do they ever kiss? Don’t they just have surf wars and dance on the beach?

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Worst Pickup Line: “We don’t wanna rush anything but…tomorrow’s Saturday. Got any plans?” I’m guessing it’s pretty much social suicide in Aussieland to not have plans on Saturday.

2. Griffin, Holiday in the Sun

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Ok, so some of you may be wondering how Griffin snagged the #2 spot when he was preeetttyy much a certified creep-stalker. However, I think what’s most important to note is that out of all of the many Olsen boyfs, Griffin was the only one who didn’t fall in lust after JUST meeting the girls. Griffin’s known Madison since they were little and has developed a love for her over time because they both like books and shit. THIS IS GREAT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. This relationship has staying power, even though Madison originally pursues the dumb hot party kid at the resort, she soon learns the error of her ways when she sees Griffin spying on her from behind a plant in her hotel room. Just kidding, sort of. He’s nerdy attractive and says things like “I couldn’t sleep because the mere thought of spending the day with you made me twitch with anticipation.” Whoa. That’s some deep shit, Griff. Plus his delivery of “DON’T SPLASH” was the best display of acting I’ve ever seen. Nice guys don’t always finish last.

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First Kiss: In front of the waterslides at Atlantis. Pure romance. Even better is that when he thinks they’re going to die/get arrested he stops her Bond style to sneak a kiss “in case he never gets a chance to again.”

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Worst Pickup Line: “Everybody’s got a hobby, right? You’re mine.” Apparently Madison didn’t think that meant he wanted to turn her into a skin suit because she promptly laid one on him.

1. James, Winning London

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James has a whole lot of things going for him, the first obviously being that he’s super attractive, the second being that he’s British and therefore has an adorbz accent and lastly he’s rich AF and basically royalty…need I say more? James and Chloe had the ultimate meet-cute when he rescues her from a piece of toilet paper stuck to her patent leather boots and then Chloe promptly trips over a bag. It was a rocky start but realistically, if James could get past that knit cap she was wearing inside, these two can overcome just about anything. (Which was put to the test later when Chloe slicks her hair back, puts on a suit and her best lip gloss to pass as a boy…) James’ father is a lord (and a real DICK) but he lives basically in a castle and plays polo in his backyard. Also did I mention that he rides a horse like nobody’s bizzzz? Someone fan me. Unfortunately Lord Dickwad calls Chloe an American peasant and tells James to stop seeing her…It’s a good thing nothing can come in between their true love that was developed over the course of 3 days.

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First Kiss: Moonlit cruise by Big Ben. #RichPeopleProbz

Worst Pickup Line: When Chloe said we’re going to make some alliances and James smoothly replies, “Let’s make one of our own, on the dance floor.” PUKE.

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Movies

The Do’s & Don’ts of A Slumber Party…

As Told By You’re Invited to Mary Kate and Ashley’s Sleepover Party

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Do: Bring a sleeping bag. Old school sleepovers were nothin without a hardcore camping sleeping bag that was completely unnecessary for your BFF’s finished basement with a flat screen TV. It was all about the vibe of camping out on the floor. My sleeping bag was neon green and bright blue with a built in pillow. It served no purpose other than to blind people and I was physically unable to fold it back up after a sleepover so I would drag it out to my mom’s Dodge caravan the next day for her to clean up that disaster.

Don’t: Bring your entire 9 year old’s wardrobe complete with hat boxes. Hey Cara, you’re heading over to a friend’s house 3 streets over, not traveling with your husband and three kids on the Mayflower in search of the Promise Land. Let’s ease up on the hat boxes, ok? Nothing worse than an over-packer when your whole wardrobe consists of overalls and jean vests.

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Do: Talk About Your Dog Everyone loves dogs, this is scientific fact. If someone has a fuzzy, cuddly puppy put near them and doesn’t immediately grab it to snuggle, there is something wrong with them. Half the time slumber party activities just consist of playing with the family dog.

Don’t: Bring a framed picture of your dog and cuddle with said frame at night. If you attend a slumber party and your only possession is an 8×10 frame of your Golden Retriever that you don’t let out of your sight, you probably have some issues. It’s one thing to love all up on dogs and miss your own, it’s a whole other ball game to be physically unable to spend a night away from your dog unless you’re cheek is stuck to a glass framed picture of it, Brighton.

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Do: Dance-off Whether you’re pre teen or hitting up the clubs, dance-off’s will never go out of style. The benefit to doing it when you’re a grown up is you can blame the alcohol when you pull out a risky move and everyone thinks it’s suuupes embarrassing. PJ dance parties were great pre-boozin too cause you could ALWAYS count on Vanessa to have the freshest moves. (Direct quote, were they legit allowed to say that?)

Don’t: Tell your friends you can’t dance, you’re already the weird one (I’m lookin at you buzzcut Cara) Look, you basically moved into your friend’s house for the next three hours with your collection of hats dating back to WWI and then Vanessa tells you to try the running man and you can’t hang? Someone should’ve slipped Cara a little bit of vodka in her root beer float. NEVER admit to your gurlz that you don’t have the moves, it’s a weakness they’ll hone in on during future middle school dances when they put you in the middle of a circle. DARE TO DANCE, BABY. DON’T BE A SCAREDY CAT.

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Do: Hand jives and hair braiding. The things that the Olsen’s nailed were these two classic girl activities. Throw a little Miss Mary Mack and hair playing in the mix and you’ve got a golden night.

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Don’t: Pillow fights. Listen, I get that the pillow fight is not only the given slumber party game but also the pinnacle of every man’s fantasy. Guess what, pillow fights SUCK. There is nothing enjoyable about some catty betch channeling her hate by wailing on you with her extra firm pillow. HAHA IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES until Tiff tries to decapitate you.

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Do: Eat a bunch of garbage. When you’re 11-14 years old your metabolism is ON FLEEK. (Did I say that right?) This is the ultimate time to toss handfuls of sour patch kids down the hatchet like it’s a garbage disposal because you won’t get fat, you’ll just get more energy, which is EXACTLY what you want at a slumber party because there’s so many activities on the agenda. Plus sleepovers usually contain movie times and movie snacks are the BOMB.com.

Don’t: Ruin a perfectly good pizza by putting all that garbage on top of it. The Olsens might’ve coined the coolest song related to Pizza ever, but don’t be fooled because the ingredients that they were jamming about adding to their pizza straight up RUINED IT. They took a perfectly good large cheese and then decided to add pasta, meatloaf, fish sticks, mashed potatoes, ketchup…pretty much everything that a lunch lady would serve and cause you to upchuck on your keds. WOOF. This pizza blows. But damnit that song is fire flames. (PS You guessed it, Cara continues to prove she’s the friend who probably gets bullied at school…)

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Do: Play dress up and make a music video I think probably one of my favorite staples of sleepovers is picking a favorite overplayed pop song, rolling your scented body glitter all over your chest, putting on a cami to show off said body glitter and making up a choreographed dance with your gal pals to be recorded on a camcorder and buried in a capsule of mortifying things. Thank GOD I had so many hairbrushes in my kit n’ caboodle otherwise what would we have ever used as microphones?

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Don’t: Paint your faces to be terrifying and sing creepy songs I can’t think of any circumstance where it’s ok to sit your hosts down and tell them to watch you paint your face like a bunch of nightmares, amp up the crazy eyes and sing in sketchy voices about black cats, ghouls and haunted mansions. If I were MK&A I’d kick these bitches out, stat. NO THANKS. (PS I seriously still cannot watch this scene of a movie meant for 9 year olds by myself, had to fast forward for fear of losing sleep.)

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Do: Flirt with your friend’s hot older brother and his crew Being the dweeb kid sister’s friend with the watermelon colored braces and yet still openly flirting with the hot older bro is what real bravery is. Older bros and their friends are cool without even trying, like when they walk into the house blaring techno beats from the boombox on their shoulder grabbing some chow from the fridge. Trent ❤

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Rollerblades slung over the shoulder, SO COOL IT HURTS.

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Do you even blade, bro?

Don’t: Recycle your scary performance for them and make them shit their pants. Seriously this scene did NOT need a reprisal especially in front of your dream boyfs. What a boner kill for Trent & his bruhs to see these girls dressed up like a House of Freaks. A for effort to the boys for trying to get some screams first but then the Olsen Twins stepped straight out of a horror flick and made Trent poop himself with jazz hands.

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Do: Play video games Video games can be fun when for a hot sec but real talk: board games were more fun, especially when it was Dream Phone. Oh, what’s that, a mystery guy won’t stop calling you until you find out which one he is? Story of my life, amirite? Hint: his name is Josh and he’s waiting for you at the mall food court. 90’s girl board games were the closest things we had to boyfriends so they were ultimately superior to video games.

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Don’t: Watch other people play video games What’s the point of going over to someone else’s house to watch them play video games? If I were these chicks I would’ve let the Olsen’s go on a video monster binge and gone looking for Trent and the boyz, WINK. Cara seems pretty into it though, go figure.

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Do: Try to stay up all night I distinctly remember one of my first sleepovers where we all agreed to stay up all night and had an actual countdown to midnight then immediately passed out because we made it until morning. And yet 7AM hit and we were up and ready for pancakes. What a BAMF life. Getting turnt up on popcorn and Darryn’s Dance Grooves then crashing in the wee hours of midnight.

Don’t: Be the first to fall asleep like a square. Hard and fast rule that if you’re the first to fall asleep you’re a real loser. Also, the rest of the slumber party will use that time to talk shit about you and MAYBE put your hand in a glass of warm water so you pee your sleeping bag. When the Olsens’ sleepover party was winding down they took a poll on if they should stay up all night and all the girls were like YAAASSS and Ashley pulled the CLASSIC “I’m not tired if you’re not tired.” They got scared about their parents finding out they stayed up to watch the midnight news, sang a song, then Vanessa opened herself up to ridicule when she conked out first. Brighton was next and asked them to wake her if anything fun should happen. HEY BRIGHTON, IF YOU DON’T WANNA MISS FUN STUFF YOU STAY UP ALL NIGHT LIKE A COOL KID. The twins stay up the latest, obv.

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In closing…

Shout out to my girl Vicki for sending this to me because it’s the greatest creation ever.

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