JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/23/18

Sorry for the hiatus, but like, you can actually blame Hollywood for not having enough gossip for 5 headlines each week. I know you’ve missed me though so don’t you even fret. I’ll force five worthy stories if I have to.

1. Louis Arthur Charles.

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Obviously the biggest news in the past week has been the birth and then finally name of the latest royal beeb. They really held out on releasing the name until today, which seems pretty dumb considering there’s only like 5 options for a royal name based on family names. The real storyline here is how Kate looked like a total babe soda 5 minutes after giving birth. I can’t even imagine knowing that you’ll walk out of the hospital, post-pushing a human out of your vag, to a swarm of paparazzi and you have to look profesh AF because you’re a royal and the Queen will hate you if you don’t.

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Kate nailed it obviously. As she always does. She looked better than me on a good day by miles and that’s why she’s a Duchess and I am not. If I ever allow a child to destroy my downstairs, I will stay in the hospital unshowered the maximum amount of days allotted and then will spend the first months wearing leggings and oversized sweatshirts. Hell, I’m not even pregnant and I wear that exact outfit on a daily basis anyway, so really I’ll just maintain my current maternity style.

2. RIP Avicii. Another weekend tidbit of news but it also was just updated and confirmed that he took his own life. Sad news in the music world for everyone who likes a little WOMP WOMP in their tunes. The fact that he committed suicide at the age of 28 makes it real eerie. To distract from this depressing news, I will tell the tale of when his banger Levels came out and everyone on the planet played it 24/7 and acted as though they discovered EDM music. It became a running joke among my friend and I to just send each other a text or a tweet and be like omg have you heard that song Levels?! ITS SO GOOD. Unfortunately we can no longer make that joke without it being in bad taste. So instead, treat your ears to the masterpiece that is Levels and think of a 19 year old Julia fist pumping in a trashy homemade neon shirt that covered my shorts thus making it look like I decided not to wear pants at the Barstool Blackout Tour. I not only lost my fake ID (sorry Nikki) that night, I also lost a little piece of my dignity.

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3. Puppet Ed Returns.

I was curious to see how Ed could’ve made a music video out of the second most depressing song on Divide (Supermarket Flowers is obviously the first) and it turns out even though he used puppets, muppets and balloons, it’s still DEPRESSING AF. I think a single tear rolled down my cheek as (spoiler alert) his balloon lady floated away at the end. Damn, Ed. Guess he needed to bring everyone down a notch after Perfect swept the world as most romantic song ever and every young couple’s first dance song at their wedding.

4. Twitter Philosopher: Kanye West. That giant weirdo Kanye has decided to make his triumphant return to the Twitterverse to babble nonsense all hours of the day like he’s making proclamations, or according to him, writing a book in real time. Here’s a smattering of his best tweets to make you giggle to yourself or want to smash your head into your keyboard that this guy is famous and associated with those godforsaken Kardashians…and we’re all poors. He even dragged classy guy John Legend into the mix. No one is safe.

5a. The Sitch to get Hitched.

I’ve been really diving back into the world of Jersey Shore lately. Mostly because I’m back on that funemployment grind and MTV plays 12 hours of Jersey Shore a day. It’s a real eye opening experience to be watching this show as an adult because when it came out I was 18 and thought this crew was living the dream drinking on a boardwalk and working at a t-shirt shop and now I look back and see Snooki getting hammered with her sneaker slippers on in public and Ron/Sam beating each other up and I wonder where my priorities were as a teenager. Either way, obviously they’ve made a comeback as grownups with children still going to clubs in Miami and The Situation has marketed his engagement to the J.Shore fans. As I read the story and realized that this was his college girlfriend, they broke up when he was on the show and got back together afterward I TRULY wonder if she ever saw even one minute of this show because the Situation was disgusting. He was an asshole and he banged a new girl every single night and then probably kissed his muscles before he kicked them out of the smush room. TRUE LOVE PREVAILS I GUESS.

5b. Sisterhood 3! Another preteen throwback for ya, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is probably going to have a third movie because the whole gang of actresses are still BFF’s and Hollywood loves a sequel.

This is great news for me. As an avid reader of the series, I went into a depression for a whole week when Kostas knocked up another girl. DAMNIT KOSTAS YOU GREEK WHORE. I also tried to copy the traveling pants for a summer with my besties except it was a traveling jean skirt and MAN did it see some drama. Just kidding, I wore it on my family vacation and wrote FB in a heart near the pocket because I thought the ferry boy was cute. Should they make a movie about my wild summer in the traveling jean skirt? Most definitely, but I’m still looking forward to this third installment and will be there for it when it gets released.

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Music, Pop Culture

End Game: A Night Out with Taylor Swift

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At this point you shouldn’t even be shocked by a blog dedicated to each and every Taylor Swift music video, it should be expected. After all, if she’s going to release every one like it’s a feature film then I’m going to pop popcorn and watch it on repeat like my favorite movie. This latest release represents her foray into the rap game and leading up to the drop I was salivating in anticipation of seeing Taylor as a rap video ho. Let me tell you, it was everything and more. What I didn’t expect is for ya girl to show us how she can PARTAY. Previously assumed to be the lame friend who comes out for one drink then spends the rest of the night at home baking and doing puzzles surrounded by her cats, this is a real shake up for the Tay image and a moment that I didn’t know I had been waiting for all my life. When I asked my friend and fellow Swiftie Lindsey what my angle should be for breaking down this video she replied “A night out with Taylor Swift and why we should be best friends.” In the name of laziness and letting my friends feed me ideas for my blogs…LET’S DO THIS. Breaking down the stages of partying with Taylor and why each one is awesome.

5. Dancing on a yacht. This is CLASSIC rap video staple and also just a general celebrity FU to the world. What do rich people do when they want to party in any warm region of the world? They take to the sea on a lavish yacht and that’s the most obvious. Taylor doesn’t just set sail though, she also assembles a girl crew for a quick coordinated dance on top deck while fireworks pop in the distance. Gawd, she’s cool. Permission to climb aboard, Tay?

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PS while we’re discussing the Miami portion of the video, might I point out that her glitter hoodie dress is probably my favorite outfit in this and I would like one for myself stat, as well as a cool hallway in an abandoned home to strut around in while wearing it.

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4. DDR. Tokyo brings out a nerd side of Taylor as she tries on Ed’s glasses and makes goofy faces then has a casual DDR competition and grabs a juicebox because I guess that’s how they party in the Tokster. The best part about this is that Taylor rips a shot with Ed and it’s GAME ON after that. You always know when your evening is going to go from casual to the real deal when someone orders a shot and T tosses it back like a CHAMP. This ain’t her first rodeo. (Or it’s water. I’m choosing to believe she can hang.)

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3. House Party. Over the pond we get to see what a house party should look like if you live in a penthouse that has skyline views and once again, there are fireworks. Do we think Taylor just travels with a firework guy? Like calls her manager that morning, “OK, I’m going to be in Barcelona tonight, can Jake be there with some bottle rockets, air bombs, black snakes and uhh why doesn’t he toss in a few roman candles. Make sure he starts the show at 10 when we start taking shots. KTHNXBYEEEE.” That’s how I imagine her life goes. Anyway, house party Taylor includes a million friends, a girl with a pink camera to document all the fun they’re having, oh and her own personal rap show in front of the fireplace. I mean if you’re going to have everyone over for a night of debauchery there should also be some form of entertainment. Her in a sparkly crop top rapping like a badd bitch seems like the best kind. That wink at the end? Oh Lord. Gave me shivers.

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2. Bar Hoppin. Now we’re getting to the stages of partying that us commoners can appreciate and participate in at the same level. Taylor takes the whole crew out to the bar in London and then proceeds to play snake on her phone while a friend pours her drink into her mouth. If you don’t think I’m going to start doing that at the bar you’re an IDIOT. Fair warning to my friends, if my hands are busy, your duty is to get that alcohol into my mouth regardless. If we’re not allowed to go out on the town with Taylor, then I think it’s reasonable to channel her while out. I’ll have to phone pub and ask if it’s cool of me to lounge atop the bar before attempting. Mostly because the last time I climbed up on a barstool and heavy leaned over the bar to get a drink I almost got kicked out, which seems irrational but whatever. I’ll just pull up this video as reference moving forward.

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I also respect the hell out of Taylor ending the night with drunk nomz. Granted, she’s eating a kebab in a blue fur coat and I’m usually siphoning a slice of ‘za on my walk home, but still good to know that she understands the importance of an end of the night drunk snack.

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1. Closet Drinking. This is something that we can all accomplish and should at some point in our lives. Again, not all of us have a walk-in closet to do so, but literally just getting drunk with your bestie in sweats and just living in that drunk-at-home space is really where the magic happens. You don’t have to worry about how you’re getting home or where you’re sleeping or crowds or people being annoying because you’re in your own home and can do whatever the hell you want. You wanna sip drinks in a fleece robe in your closet? Do it up, girl. AIN’T NOBODY STOPPIN YA.

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Since Taylor is probably busy this weekend going out with her squad (are they taking applications yet?) you’ll just have to channel your inner party T and do her proud. Slap on some sparkles or even a top hat, and dance it out with a drink in your hand. You really wanna get crazy? Set off some fireworks. Legally, of course. Not trying to get sued here or have you set yourself on fire. On second though, maybe just stick to the going out part and don’t F with fire hazards.

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Music

LWYMMD Best F Off Moments

I never thought I’d have a reason to thank the VMA’s but instead of teasing this very clear only reason to watch that awards show full of preteen bholes until the last five minutes, MTV/TAY gave the people what they wanted right off the bat. This masterpiece music video premiered within the first hour of the show and allowed me to check out for the remainder because it’s obvious that’s all that matters (it’s also obvious that I don’t turn to MTV for my politics and current events news.) Anywho, I could probably watch this music video every day this week and find something new every time, but in the spirit of riding comeback Taylor’s coattails, here are the top five fuck ALL THE WAY off moments from a RIDICULOUS music video.

 

5. Bathing in Diamonds

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You know what would be cool? Being rich enough to LITERALLY bathe in diamonds. It’s even cooler getting to bathe in diamonds & money just for F’s sake and looking like a babe while doing it. Definitely never thought I’d be down with the red claws on TSwizz until I saw it surrounded by riches and matching her lip perfectly. Now I’m all in.

4. Birdcage Swangin in Thigh High Boots.

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Orange isn’t my favorite color but can’t pass over the shots of dis sly bitch just swinging around a birdcage wearing boots that lace up to her nipples. Can I make a music video just for the wardrobe? It’s like the best game of dress up a girl could dream of. There is literally no point to this scene other than just looking cool AF and hangin loose from the top of a birdcage big enough for a pterodactyl.

3. Latex Clonemaster.

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Domanatrix-cloning-Taylor can GET. IT. I didn’t think all of the sultry looks from the Blank Space video could be topped but then angsty T killed Blank Space Taylor and was like I can look even hawter. Oh all her Squad looks exactly alike (cough cough excluding Lena cough) well guess Tay just has to slap on a lil latex and say something about that. To be clear, what she said was “look at my rockin bod.”

2. The Opposite of Awkward Dancing.

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No one can ever call her awards seat dancing awkward ever again. Once you lead a pack of gays in a little thigh slapping and dropping it down low in fishnets, you seal the deal for professional dancer in my book. This entire dance sequence was impressive as shit. H8ers say she stole it from Beyonce, I say since when did Beyonce invent a dance posse in the flying V? Ducks fly together, Yonce. And this ain’t no Darryn’s Dance Grooves.

1. A Sea of Taylors; Dead.

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This was without a doubt the COOLEST part of this video. Taylor is known for her over the top music video/live performance personas and she freaking STOOD ATOP A PILE OF THEM CLAWING THEIR WAY TO SURVIVE. I studied video production in college (humble brag, I have a degree in TV) and even I have no clue how this scene was created but it is BOMBBBBB.

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Piggybacking off of the mountain of music video Taylor’s is this spectacular end skit where Taylor calls out all her own bullshit. Playing the victim, getting mad about being called bitch, the surprise face, the fake niceness (and country accent), being excluded from this narrative. BRAVA, TAY, BRAVAAAAA!

PS: Could’ve done without the immediate nightmares though.

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Music, Uncategorized

Andrew McMahon Top Five

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I’m certainly not the first one of my angsty generation who got hooked on Something Corporate during my whiny teen years and then decided to never let go. I grew up as Andrew McMahon grew up going from SoCo to Jack’s Mannequin, to that kind of techno solo phase and now onto his latest venture (Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness) where he’s getting radio play and talk show performances!! I’m so proud, as a diehard fan. I also have made it a ritual to groupie it up and see him in concert once a year (sometimes twice depending on his tour sched. Sarry not Sarry.)

Fresh off the high of seeing him this past weekend (and having him crowd surf over my head as seen above), I’m doing what I usually do when I get the post-concert blues…re-watch all their music videos. Since I run my own blog, I decided to share this process with the world. Let’s kick it with Andrew’s top five-ish spanning his several years in the music biz with various bands in chronological order.

1. I Woke Up In A Car

This video always gives me a good case of the giggles because of baby Andrew. It’s quite literally a bunch of kids jamming in their parent’s bougie California basement. I mean, Andrew’s wearing a high school track tee. Fun fact: the stud in the white shirt playing guitar is Lauren Conrad’s husband. LC became a punk rock princess and she didn’t even know it. Only down side to this vid is all the feet action. I could def do without that.

1a. If You C Jordan

I added this one because the music video itself is gr8. It’s the classic, I’m going to get famous and write a song about that d-bag I’ve always hated. The crew singing about how much they hate Jordan over the loudspeaker while biddies in Catholic school uniforms drool all over them was perfect. (Keep your eyes peeled for a young Minka Kelly) Also if someone ever sang that I would always be a little red-head bitch in a song I would literally change my name and go into hiding. Supes embarrassing. Bonus points for the Andrew McMahon piano stomp at the end of this video. One of my favorite parts about seeing him live is watching him jump all over the keys like a BAMF.

2. The Mixed Tape

It’s no coincidence that the music video filmed on the set of One Tree Hill made the list. Peyton angry paints her bedroom and suddenly stumbles into a club where Andrew serenades her. Sigh, every teenage girl’s typical Friday night.

3. The Resolution

This was post kicking cancer’s ass, and therefore much of his music from this album reflected that. Except the music video was about mermaids and Andrew wearing a lot of facial bronzer. Stephanie Meyer actually directed this video mid-Twilight mania at a time when I was working at Wegmans and assessing if my customers were vampires or werewolves. 2008 was a spicy year for all of us, apparently.

4. Synesthesia

I’d like to personally thank Andrew for widening my vocabulary with this one. Never in a billion years would I know what this word means without the song, so essentially listening to his music makes me smarter. Also watching this particular video makes me wanna run around with my friends and throw colored chalk dusk into the air because that shit was cool.

He performed Synesthesia at the concert this past weekend and wanted to make it special so he busted out an old parachute from gym class days to spread out over the audience so we could all feel like children again. Except that parachute was my worst nightmare and made me feel like I was suffocating in a hot gym that smelled like the used sneakers they kept there in case someone forgot to wear theirs on gym day. It was a nice sentiment but I think I liked the visual better than actually being shoved under a parachute by sweaty adults at the House of Blues.

5. Cecilia And The Satellite

Full circle. We went from teen Andrew to dad Andrew. Whoa. Shit just got real, real quick. He wrote this song for his daughter and it’s probably the most adorable thing ever. My dad wrote educational songs about books and technology, little Cecilia’s dad wrote a song about how she’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him and now it’s being played on the radio regularly. Same thing, really. Srsly though, could this little nugget be any cuter?

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Lucky to look after this wild one

A post shared by Andrew McMahon (@amnthewilderness) on

 

And just because…

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At least I’m not the asshole who shouts it for an entire concert. (And yes, there is one every time.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/09/15

1. Missy is bringing music videos back.

Missy was obviously always releasing bangers back in her heyday but she was also known for her extravagant videos with dancing and makeup and weird shit happening. Now that she’s officially BACK (and it’s about damn time because it’s been a century since she ripped the halftime show right out of Katy Perry’s claws) she is bringing the art of the music video back with her. This video had cartoon makeup, lifelike puppets, PhunkeeDucks, etc, etc. The Queen is back, betches.

2. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?

Props to Alanis for being in on the joke that is “Ironic”. It’s like raaaaainnnnnnnn on your wedding day! Not anymore though, now it’s like they announce a new iphone the day after you buy it. That’s 1000x worse than a no smoking sign on your cigarette break. Jus sayin, the Apple FOMO is real. James is quickly becoming my favorite late night host to make an ass of himself in front of celebrities too. He crushed the end solo.

3. Sequels on Sequels. It’s like releasing the same movie with a “2” in the title, 10 years later. And isn’t it ironic? Sorry. That song is still in my head and also I find it annoying that sequels with this much time between the first and the second movie are still happening. First up is Finding Dory, aka Finding Nemo about Dory. Dory has short term memory loss and wants to find her family or something. Finding Nemo is 12 years old. Seems like this would’ve been a great idea like no more than 5 years after the first one was made so it was still fresh. But whatevs, I’m not in the movie biz so what do I know.

Next up is My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. Not going to lie, I 100% thought that the parents in this movie were dead now. They were old in the first movie (made 13 YEARS AGO) and if this trailer proves anything it’s that Hollywood people apparently live forever. That was a dumb sentence but I stand by it, and also I’m in a hurry to finish the JUice because I’m hungry. It’s been a whole five minutes since I’ve last eaten something. ANYWHO, everyone is older in this movie and there’s a new generation of Greeks that are embarrassed by their family. It’ll still be funny judging by this trailer and I’ll still watch it but like originality points are 0.0.

4. I love dem bad girls.

This was on last week’s SNL and it DIDN’T have Trump in it. Win, win. I’ve always been partial to these newer SNL skits with all the females acting ridiculous–the popular songs that they released about going home for the holidays were gold. Even though this isn’t their original song it’s still a perfect skit for anyone who can relate to being a pretend badass. For the record, I always ask for a water cup at Panera and then put water in it. They give you clear cups so THEY’LL KNOW IF YOU STEAL. I’m not a savage.

5. The Rock is the man and he knows it.

Apparently The Rock has a girlfriend and she’s real preggers. The hashtags say everything you need to know about The Rock.  JUST OVER HERE MAKING BABIES AND STUFF! I imagine when his girlfriend broke the news that he upturned a table and shouted YEAH. ALL DAY. ALL DAY, BABY.

BONUS, another Hills wedding…

The most tolerable of Hills characters, the classiest of Teen Vogue, Whitney Port got married over the weekend and looked like a beaut. There were no stories about Hills cast members attending the wedding because she’s a real human who separated herself from the show and only appeared once in a while to look shocked and over-pronounce her “ing” words. Anyway, she looked cool, fun and trendy on her wedding day and I approve. I wonder if Lisa Love would though?

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Music

Scott Eastwood’s So Tall and Handsome As Hell

When Tay gave us the Blank Space video, it was so over the top that it needed a full blog dedicated to her spectacle of outfit changes. Wildest Dreams deserves it’s own blog because of the perfection that is Scott Eastwood…and also how cocky it is for Taylor Swift to cast this hot piece of ass for a song about a love affair that the guy will never forget. What a minx. Let’s dive in.

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In old timey Africa, Taylor is a dark haired raven. I’m not really into it HOWEVER it’s still better than her hair in the I knew you were trouble video.

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Her hair may be blah but her cat eye, as always is perfection. I can’t decide if I’m more jelly of that or this…

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This is her leading man and it literally baffles me that this is the son of crusty old Clint Eastwood. Until I google young Clint Eastwood and then WHOA. Mind blown.

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Anyway, back to the main event:

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We’re like 5 seconds into the video and they’re already playing tonsil hockey. The true reason why Tay cast Scott for this vid.

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HER FOOT POPPED. IT WAS A FOOT-POPPING KISS.

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Easily her best fashion moment in this video also what’s up, giraffe?

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Cecil? Too soon? R.I.P

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OH HEY scandalous sleeping with your co-star Tay!

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This is getting good now.

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Then it gets bad because Tay goes Blank Space on him for a beat. YIKES.

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Scott uses his strong legs to kick a chair. A little bit of drool falls out of my mouth unexpectedly.

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Quick recovery with a safari flying date. Taylor looks like she smells of mothballs. My nana used to wear that head scarf to Sunday services. Jus sayin.

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Gonna need for them to never cover Scott’s face like this ever again.

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Then he tosses her around like she weighs the same as a newborn baby. Muscles ❤

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Tay admires her million dollar legs with Simba. (Wild animals make her go legs out apparently)

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Then she’s basically naked. No seriously, did she think this outfit would slide under my radar? I see buttcheek.

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More, more, more! What is this The Notebook? (I don’t hate it.) I bet she was like but what if we add a little rain? Wouldn’t that be cool? And then maybe I’ll just mount Scott right during a rainstorm.

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But then the joke’s over because this was all in front of a green screen with some hideous costumes. Khaki trousers will never be flattering, folks.

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Bad boy 4 lyfe Scott smokes inside and thinks about the next co-star he’s going to bang. (Spoiler alert: it’s me.) He’s so bad but he does it so well.

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Suddenly this is a story about a girl named Lucky.

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JK Scott’s actually married to a tramp and Taylor’s all remember when we mated amongst the zebras and lions?

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The final shot. DAMNIT SCOTT, IT’S TOO LATE.

But actually, when does this full length feature film come out? BECAUSE I AM ALL IN.

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Not to deter from the new hotness of loving wild animals but how exactly do music videos make proceeds? Just wondering.

Anyway, all around great video, Tay. Holding out hope there will be more of this in the feature:

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Music

Top Notch Timeflies Tuesday

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Cal & Rez got their start as two college bros making Youtube videos of covers and freestyles every Tuesday. That in itself is impressive considering my college dorm room was for full day binges of One Tree Hill and Dawson’s Creek, not producing quality music. Anyway, now they’re releasing fire flames original songs but what’s especially spicy about them is that they still throw down a Timeflies Tuesday almost every week and Cal is a smokeshow who can literally make up a rap on the spot like nobody’s biz. If you’re not a Timeflies fan yet check out some of my favorites below, if you are, re-enjoy watching Cal rap that fine ass all over Youtube.

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Under the Sea

Did I ever imagine when I was watching The Little Mermaid that one day I would be willingly rocking out to an Under the Sea rap? No, I did not. I was too busy drooling over Prince Eric and his head full of luscious lettuce. Either way, anyone who takes a Disney song and makes it dirty immediately becomes my favorite person so thank you Cal for referencing chicks getting wet in a song that a lobster originally sings.

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I mean, duh. Can’t sneak a Taylor Swift mashup by me. Cal takes a few riffs at Taylor’s affinity for mid-song talkies and I support this 100%…interrupting your own singing to chit chat makes me very uncomfy. Plus YOU WEAR THE HELL OUT OF THAT HENLEY, CAL.

Alcohol

He LITERALLY walks through a bar and raps about each bottle of liquor. WHAT. Supes casj.

Wagon Wheel

I didn’t learn about this song until I was abroad in Italy where they played it on repeat in an Irish bar…random? Anyway the original is a fabulous drinking anthem but Timeflies obviously takes it to another level, right around the time that Cal raps: “Whoa, holy shit Land HO! Seriously land with a whole bunch of hoes.” Yes.

Cheerleader

I mean, he flawlessly infiltrated Caitlyn Jenner into a rap. Plus he threw in a little Fetty Wap and I can always get down with that song, especially ever since I googled it expecting to find a terribly disgusting definition for Trap Queen and instead was pleasantly surprised and suddenly had new life/career goals.

Click here for more Timeflies Tuesday…because there are 1 million.

And here’s the new music video for their latest original song: Worse Things Than Love (which is phenomenal.)

Puppies + Cal= Underwear Slushie.

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