Movies

Ranking Mary Kate & Ashley’s Movie Boyfs

Like many of my 90’s counterparts, I grew UP on MK&A original movies and often found myself wondering why my family vacations didn’t entail meeting a cute boy and falling in love before the week was over. They gave me travel AND boyfriend goals with their Oscar-worthy flicks. They were SO important to me, in fact, that I find myself buying them up on DVD so that I can relive the magic now that VHS players are extinct. That is how I found myself filling up a glass (or two) of wine and watching the twins take on country after country on a Saturday night, trying to remember what I ever found attractive about their cheesy foreign suitors.

Spoiler alert: New York Minute is omitted because they sold out for it and it SUCKED..stick to straight-to-VHS, girls. Getting There also does not make this list because I remember absolutely nothing about it…and do not have the desire to ever re-watch it. Saaarrryyyy.

Here the pieces of man (boy) meat are ranked from worst to best:

14. Jordan, Holiday in the Sun

jordanJordan

Jordan was easily my most hated MK&A character of all time and that’s including that snob of a child Keegan in this same flick. The first red flag should’ve been that Jordan was wearing a wife beater at the club…that one dirty undergarment SCREAMED that he would get them thrown in the Bahamas slammer. Red flag numero dos is that he’s a local at a vacation resort. He is NOT what time it is. Jordan is BFF’s with a sixty-year-old guy named Champlain who wears Hawaiian shirts, sketchy sunglasses and a poorly styled white mullet—yet is surprised to find out he’s a criminal. Also his career is feeding fish and he DEFINITELY smells like fish guts 24/7. Alex is on her spring break and her first date with the Jordmaster is helping him clean the fish tanks and feed his underwater friends. He obviously knows how to woo a girl. NAHT.

champlain

First Kiss: After Jordan takes the stage to serenade Alex with an original song (it’s actually a good song…the only nice thing I’ll say about him but like… you’ve known her 1 whole day I don’t think you love her in any shade) they have a delicate kiss after he utters the worst sentence in movie history—see worst pickup line below. (Original song/First Kiss also below, I suggest watching on an empty stomach)

Worst Pickup Line: “Has anyone ever told you that I’m going to kiss you?” UGH. BLECH. VOMIT. COVER MY EYES AND EARS. If anyone ever uttered these words to me and came at my face I’d jump into the probably very near shark tank at Atlantis. Get lost, Jordan.

13. Michel, Passport to Paris

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Michel is barf city. He wears a bucket hat for FAR TOO LONG and Mel is still all about it, it MUST be the accent, there’s no other excuse. When Melanie goes to Paris her interests include froyo at the mall but when she meets starving artist (teenage flower shop employee) Michel, he teaches her about art and music. He wah wahs about his dad forcing him to be a butcher instead of a musician and honestly I can’t with Michel. You’re like 14, do less.

First Kiss: At the dance, at the same exact time that Jean kisses Ally, because twins lose their kiss virginity together or else there would be a WHOLE lot of jelly belly going around.

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Worst Pickup Line: “It’s what you feel when you look at art” He literally forces her to look at paintings. No thanks. Also he calls his grandpa “grandpazer”. Au Revoir, Michel.

12. Ryan, When In Rome

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Not only does Ryan have sonic the hedgehog hair, but he also gets friend zoned, HARD, which barely makes him viable for this list. Leila finds out that Ryan’s riding his uncle’s coattails so he can play with all of his luxurious toys and is all bye, Felicia I have goals. He obviously tells her to lighten up because he is a big spoiled turd with no redeeming qualities. Leila gets Ryan to buckle down and work for his uncle by the end but when he tries to take things to the next level again she’s like uh, could you go fix your hair?

ryanrome

First Kiss: Never. Ryan gets denied TWICE…first with a handshake then with a hug. Do you need some Italian ice for that burn, Ryan?

Worst Pickup Line: “You know what they say, when in rome…” No Ryan, she still doesn’t want to run her fingers through your prickly hair.

11. Ryan, Billboard Dad

ryan

Apparently Ryan’s stick together in the boyfriend-ranking world of the Olsen twins. This kid was a PUNK. He was like 10 years old wearing a leather jacket and had an eyebrow piercing. Hey Ryan, pull this crap in like 8 years. These girls haven’t even hit puberty, they’re certainly not going through their bad boy phase yet. Even though Ryan wasn’t a boyfriend…he actually becomes a step brother—it was necessary to include him JUST so I could publicize this picture of him wearing jorts and then casually diving into a pool while still wearing said jorts. Have you ever felt wet jeans? It’s the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. Anyway, at one point Emily says, “He should be arrested for his crimes against fashion” and I’ve never agreed with anything more. Book him.

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First Kiss: Never because he becomes family and the Olsens aren’t into incest.

Worst Pickup Line: “I got a new tattoo and it has to stay out of the water for 24 hours. Doctor’s orders.” Technically this isn’t a pickup line but that dumbass hunk diving coach Brad falls for a TATTOO THAT CAN’T GET WET (on a small child.)

10. Paolo, When In Rome

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Paolo is kiiiiind of an asshole but blames all of his a-hole qualities on being Italian, which after spending 3 months in Florence and seeing how the Italians give 0.0 F’s, kind of makes all the sense in the world. Charli (such a trendy name) likes to work hard and earn respect and Paolo is like working hard is for nerds let’s kick back and gaze into each other’s eyes while we slum our intern work off on someone else. Although it seems like Charli isn’t really into Paolo because he’s kind of a doucheypants and got her fired, she ends up falling right into his “Ciao, Bella” clutches. After calling all American girls uptight, they smooch all over Rome and he sexually teaches her how to make pizza. CAUSE HE’S ITALIAN, SO HE MAKES PIZZA. DUH. He’s not dead last on this list because I can appreciate an American girl getting swept away by a smooth talking Italiano (Paolo and Isabella, anyone?)

pizza paolo copy

First Kiss: After Charli explains what a GPS is to Paolo (who looks like she just told him that this machine would take them to Venus) they swap spit on his Vespa.

Worst Pickup Line: “It’s your first day in Roma can you please how you say chill and have some fun?” DO NOT TELL ME TO HOW YOU SAY CHILL, PIZZA BOY. 

9. Adam, The Challenge

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Adam was kind of a dweeb and definitely demoted himself on the ranking for his cheesetastic dialogue and love of Hawaiian shirts with coordinated shell necklaces, plus I’m not fully convinced that he wasn’t a ginger. (Overall could’ve done with a whole lot less Adam, a whole lot more Marcus…see #6)

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First Kiss: When they’re hiding from Max (the producer) whose trying to catch them on camera kissing so he can DQ them from the games. Stop being such a perv, Max, no one can stop this island love.

Worst Pickup Line: “I think you’re pretty amazing. Pretty and amazing.” No. Just no.

8. Jean, Passport to Paris

jean

Jean is good looking for a thirteen year old (I guess…in like a really non-creepy way) but he speaks shitty English and when the rain comes he gets sad (actual piece of dialogue from his mouth.) I guess I understand Ally’s attraction to him because he makes a scene at a French restaurant for her then smokes a breadstick like a REAL badass. Their relationship is impractical because neither of them knows what each other is saying, normally it would be the perfect foreign hook up…except that the girls are like 12 in this movie and it’s their first kiss. Womp wompppp. Anyway, Jean is the epitome of the study abroad boyfriend dream when he gives her a private tour of the city on his moped and throws rocks at her window. So I guess he’s alright.

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First Kiss: At the dance where him and Michel’s band plays…slow dancing and a quick peck because France plays it fast and loose.

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Worst Pickup Line: His impression of Americans: “American girls like to LAAAAAUUUUFFFF. American girls zey walk like this. Bonjour, Bonjour, OH MY GOD.” Hey Jean, no one says Bonjour in America. Get it right if you’re going to take the stage for a five star impression.

bonjour 

7. Cody, Billboard Dad

Cody

Cody was cool to the max and more than willing to use his LA connects to woo Tess, his middle school crush. Deduct points for his bucket hat, but we’ll let it slide because he’s an aspiring rapper and invited Tess on a date to see No Doubt in concert—when she can’t attend he brings her back a tape of the concert and a t-shirt. What a dreamboat he is.

cody

First Kiss: Cody wears a leather jacket because he thinks Tess is into bad boys and when he confesses he doesn’t know what else to do to get her to like him she gives him a kiss on the cheek. PG style, obv. (Side note: he can’t tell the twins apart which pretty much voids his crush if he doesn’t even know which one he likes)

Worst Pickup Line: Any time he raps…bro needs a little work on his lyrics but he’s got nothing but time for that.

6. Marcus, The Challenge

marcus

I probably shouldn’t openly admit that when I’m dazzled by a guy his personality takes the backseat but that is clearly the case with Marcus. He’s a doucheroni and basically sniffs around for dirt then uses it against Lizzy and Shane in the competition for better TV ratings, typical reality show slime machine. But have you seen those eyes? And that smile? And when he rocks a backwards baseball hat? Swoon. Plus he’s only an intern and the producer is already taking notes from him…so he’s obviously going places.

marcusbackwardhat

First Kiss: After Lizzy makes it through the final challenge without getting eaten by snakes Marcus swoops in and is all congrats I’m proud of you even though I created this challenge based on your worst fear.

Worst Pickup Line: Probably the part where he confesses he’s been a snitch. Kinda hard to get the girl when you’re telling her that you’ve been manipulating the show to make her life mizzz.

5. Brian, Winning London

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Brian was gr8 because he was a moron. He made sports references every other sentence (we get it, you play football) and had literally no idea Riley was in love with him, thus continually calling her kiddo and telling her that he’ll never forget the time she ralphed up hot dogs at the Dodgers game. Riles is persistent though and teaches him to dance with some very PG hip-bumping until her sister accidentally C-blocks her. Finally the two find love in a hopeless place (an air duct) and ride off into the sunset on a horse, obviously. Brian may have been stupid, but he was a real piece of man meat who held his pinky up while drinking tea…plus Bri & Ri? Could there be a more compatible couple name?

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First Kiss: In an air duct after Ri tells Bri calling her kiddo makes her undies drier than the Sahara.

Worst Pickup Line: When he gives Riley a sports pep talk before she has to make the final debate instead of Chloe. Find your chill, Brian.

 

4/3. Pete & Avery, Our Lips Are Sealed

pete-avery

Let’s get real here, these two were EXACTLY the same person. They were basically twins themselves, and even completed each other’s sentences. Whatever, I don’t hate it because they were obviously top BF material but we’ll just refer to them as one—Pevery (yikes.) The “surfies” were into xtreme sports (walking across the Sydney bridge, jetskis, surfing), were chill AF and didn’t care about the popular betches. Plus like they had surfer bodies, killer tans and perfect teen popstar hair. What more do you want from them? What–am I supposed to say something funny here? SOMETHING FUNNY!

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First Kiss: Do they ever kiss? Don’t they just have surf wars and dance on the beach?

pevery

Worst Pickup Line: “We don’t wanna rush anything but…tomorrow’s Saturday. Got any plans?” I’m guessing it’s pretty much social suicide in Aussieland to not have plans on Saturday.

2. Griffin, Holiday in the Sun

griffin

Ok, so some of you may be wondering how Griffin snagged the #2 spot when he was preeetttyy much a certified creep-stalker. However, I think what’s most important to note is that out of all of the many Olsen boyfs, Griffin was the only one who didn’t fall in lust after JUST meeting the girls. Griffin’s known Madison since they were little and has developed a love for her over time because they both like books and shit. THIS IS GREAT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. This relationship has staying power, even though Madison originally pursues the dumb hot party kid at the resort, she soon learns the error of her ways when she sees Griffin spying on her from behind a plant in her hotel room. Just kidding, sort of. He’s nerdy attractive and says things like “I couldn’t sleep because the mere thought of spending the day with you made me twitch with anticipation.” Whoa. That’s some deep shit, Griff. Plus his delivery of “DON’T SPLASH” was the best display of acting I’ve ever seen. Nice guys don’t always finish last.

Holiday-In-The-Sun-Austin-Nichols-austin-nichols-14283022-640-480 Austin Holiday in the Sun 4

First Kiss: In front of the waterslides at Atlantis. Pure romance. Even better is that when he thinks they’re going to die/get arrested he stops her Bond style to sneak a kiss “in case he never gets a chance to again.”

griffin

Worst Pickup Line: “Everybody’s got a hobby, right? You’re mine.” Apparently Madison didn’t think that meant he wanted to turn her into a skin suit because she promptly laid one on him.

1. James, Winning London

james

James has a whole lot of things going for him, the first obviously being that he’s super attractive, the second being that he’s British and therefore has an adorbz accent and lastly he’s rich AF and basically royalty…need I say more? James and Chloe had the ultimate meet-cute when he rescues her from a piece of toilet paper stuck to her patent leather boots and then Chloe promptly trips over a bag. It was a rocky start but realistically, if James could get past that knit cap she was wearing inside, these two can overcome just about anything. (Which was put to the test later when Chloe slicks her hair back, puts on a suit and her best lip gloss to pass as a boy…) James’ father is a lord (and a real DICK) but he lives basically in a castle and plays polo in his backyard. Also did I mention that he rides a horse like nobody’s bizzzz? Someone fan me. Unfortunately Lord Dickwad calls Chloe an American peasant and tells James to stop seeing her…It’s a good thing nothing can come in between their true love that was developed over the course of 3 days.

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First Kiss: Moonlit cruise by Big Ben. #RichPeopleProbz

Worst Pickup Line: When Chloe said we’re going to make some alliances and James smoothly replies, “Let’s make one of our own, on the dance floor.” PUKE.

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