Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – No Spring Chicken

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All the guys in the house are apparently besties except for Jordan, who has to eat his breakfast in the corner of the kitchen, facing the backsplash tile. This sets the tone for the MOST DRAMATIC episode ever. And by MOST DRAMATIC, I of course mean that the editors cut shit together for a full two hours to make us believe everything was drama and conflict and I am NOT here for it. STAY WOKE, BACH NATION. Let’s dissect this pile of shit.

It’s Time to Relax with Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean-Blanc & Colton

cheers

Becca NEEDS her girls to help her and support her for this date. How shitty would you feel if you were Becca’s ACTUAL best friends and your opinion is basically dirt because you’re not part of Bach Nation looking to grab every minute of screen time possible? Anyway, true to Bachelor incest, we found out that Colton and Tia have previously “dated” and Tia claims that he went on the show hoping she was the Bachelorette, which is a real bitch thing to say to your “close friend.” When the guys walk in it’s ALL SORTS of awkward. It’s even more awkward when Becca forgets Jason’s name. How is it remotely possible that she remembers any of these boners names? It’s episode 3. Cut her some slack. The boys change into spa employee uniforms and Jason/Colton have a heart to heart near a soothing waterfall over this stupid thing that they’re going to draw out for as long as possible. The girls let the guys do their nails, which stresses me out to no end. I don’t even like letting the lady at the nail salon do my nails let alone those slob kebabs. Becca takes Tia aside. Her and Colton apparently only kissed but Becca still wah wah’s about it. They awkwardly stare at each other and say they love each other. BFFS CAN’T BE FORCED. CUT IT OUT, ABC, THIS IS GETTING WEIRD.

cringe

In the evening, Jordan talks about his Tinder game being strong and David turns around and blabs it to Becca. She rolls out and is all, “4 thousand Tinder matches? High five, bud!” But since she can’t cut Jordan because he’s good TV, Becca says she’s just joking and s’all good. In Jordan’s apology he says being a model is tough. He’s a golden retriever in relationships and is looking for a girl with a bright smile. These are all word for word things he said. Is Jordan annoying? Sure. Is David’s stuttering and tattling like a 2 year old 1000x more annoying? Also yes. All of these men whining with full-on manis officially sends me over the edge. And finally, Becca ends this bullshit Tia conflict with Colton by getting the F over it and giving him the rose, because OBVIOUSLY she wants to bang Colton, or like have a makeout sesh if this virgin storyline is real.

Let’s Make Your Heart Sing with Chris

Becca and Chris go to Capitol City Records and Richard Marx is playing piano. Becca asks him to play THE ONLY SONG I can name by Richard Marx. He has her sing it. I cringe into the ground. He’s apparently been sent to write their love song. Drama though, songwriting digs up Chris’ daddy issues and fear of being vulnerable. He walks out of the studio to have some alone time. Becca smooches the courage back into him and he crushes it of course. Richard sings their lyrics while they slow dance and make out. Speaking of Richard, I’ve never seen a man show less emotion. Kind of an odd pick to coach vulnerability and songwriting. At dinner, Chris tells Becca about writing a letter to his dad and never hearing back. Becca understands and roses him. They slow dance to Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx. Again, does he have to repeat this song because it was his only hit orrrr?

dry richard

Sounds kind of boring, right? Not anymore because in one quick jump we’re suddenly seeing David being carried out on a stretcher and there’s blood everywhere. Casually. They flash a solo shot of Jordan kicked back on the couch to insinuate he murdered David in cold blood. Every season we see an ambulance scene in the teaser that is supposed to make us believe the men fought and it is ALWAYS a fakeout. So taking it one step further and just tossing this scene in out of nowhere then trying to lead us to believe Jordan killed David is the farthest I will allow ABC to take this farce. Enough is enough. We return from commercial to the guys LITERALLY mopping up blood and describing David’s conditions and questioning if he’s alive. IF HE IS ALIVE. Chris visits Becca to give her the news. Becca goes WHO DID THAT and Chris Harrison responds with, “he fell out of bed and landed on his face.” How on earth did Chris deliver that line without hysterically laughing? Becca calls him and is like we totally won’t tell America that you almost killed yourself sleeping LOLOLOL just kidding cat’s out of the bag! SO IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, AN ALREADY ANNOYING GUY DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO SLEEP IN A BUNK BED AND FELL, BREAKING HIS NOSE AND APPARENTLY BLEEDING OUT ALL OVER THE MANSION. Don’t worry though. He’s coming back because he can’t miss his five minutes of fame. And now Becca can’t even cut him out of pity. Because he fell out of bed. And ended up in the ICU. This show is slowly killing me.

We Can Tackle Anything Together with Clay, Garrett, Leo, Christon, Bryan, John, Mike, Lincoln, Connor & Blake

Becca enlists the support from the Legends football league for this date and I honestly have no clue what that even is. Either way, Becca is surprised to see another side to Clay. He was a professional football player. What is surprising that he’s good at football? (I will redact this later.) The guys tackle each other and Becca soaks her athleisure on the sidelines. In ambulance drama part 2; Clay has a wrist injury and needs to be taken to the ER. I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE OVER THE MEDICAL DRAMATICS. Act like normal humans and spend 6 weeks without needing to be rushed to a hospital, guys.

Later, Garrett lifts Becca in the air and she’s like put me down, my bhole is out. Blake gets in his head about going from a one on one to a group date. He calls Becca his girlfriend and she mounts him. Judging by how giddy Blake makes her, we are to assume he’s getting rosed. But THEN, Clay, who couldn’t attend at first because he was getting a soft cast velcroed on his wrist, surprisingly shows up in a sling and gets the rose, pity style.

Cocktail Hour

Clay does some soul searching because he needs a surgery immediately to “save” his wrist. He needs to decide if he wants to stay for Becca or leave for football. CLAY. IF YOU GOT INJURED IN A PICKUP GAME, YOU NEVER HAD A FOOTBALL CAREER TO BEGIN WITH. GOODBYE, LEGO HEAD. FOREVER. Becca cries to the camera and says she has nothing left and she’s just done. I’ll bet you 1 million dollars she was talking about ANYTHING else or her sentence was edited to that because there is no way on this planet that she’s that torn up about Clay leaving. I’ll tell you what I am done with is starting the cycle of rose ceremonies at the beginning of an episode. BOOOOOOO to this week’s episode. Next week better dazzle the shit out of me or include all of the Jordan one-liners in the world or I’M OUT.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I Wore My Underwear, Bro

becca

I’m Ready for My Big Day with Clay, Nick, Chris R, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor & Lincoln

The guys try on tuxes and Jordan needs to show off how he walks like a model. They go outside to do the exact same date that Rachel had all of her guys do last season (an obstacle course) and whatdya know, Rachel and Bryan are there to help. I’m honestly kind of sick of Rachel coming off as such a badass kewl gurl in her guest appearances because she couldn’t have been more of a plain bagel when she was the bachelorette. Guess it goes to show that once you’re contracted to be the lady everyone is trying to date, you can’t say shit like “What that mouth do.”

rachel

Lincoln won but he apparently cheated in the ice tub so obviously all the other men are enraged about it. Later, Lincoln attacks Becca’s face like it’s a Christmas ham and he hasn’t eaten in weeks. It doesn’t look like she’s enjoying this even a little. Lincoln puts his framed photo with Becca in the middle of the coffee table and everyone cries about it. The picture gets tossed and broken into shards by a jelly belly who didn’t appreciate Lincoln whispering sweet nothings to it. Becca then has to mediate this little bitch fit. Becca makes it clear that she’s looking for a man and not a whiny baby who tattles on other people or smashes picture frames. Not LOVING Connor or Lincoln if we’re being honest. Same with Becca cause Jean Blanc gets the rose.

The next morning Lincoln cried ACTUAL tears because watching the picture being broken “broke his heart.” Jordan takes a group of bros outside to laugh at Lincoln’s croc tears, which is ironic coming from the buffoon who made us all watch his blue steel. Then he pronounces ingenuity “ingenuinity.” Send Jordan to the Center For Children Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. STAT.

zoolander

Let’s Lose Control with Blake

blake

Chris Harrison brings them to an abandoned warehouse where they are to change into jumpsuits and break shit that reminds her of Arie while Lil Jon (?) shouts nonsense into a microphone and plays a song from 10 years ago…when Lil Jon was relevant. Becca looks so joyful while smashing Arie-related shit that if I were Blake this would be a red flag but he’s like I love that she’s so happy right now. YIKES. Side and completely unrelated note HOW THA HELL DID SHE MAKE THIS OUTFIT CUTE?!

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At dinz, Blake tells Becca that he fell hard and fast in a past relationship. His girlfriend told him she loved him 2 months in and then 2 days later she dumped him. Hmm, I can understand feeling the need to say it back if he said it first but like who initiates that when YOU’RE GOING TO BREAK UP WITH HIM?! I am fired up. There’s more to this story and I need to hear it. Something’s fishy. Anyway, Blake gets rosed and feels like tonight is the beginning of their love story. Learn your lesson, Blake. Slow it down.

Loves Comes At You Hard and Fast with Garrett, Rickey, John, Bryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills & Colton

dodgeball

Three little sasshole children actors are hired to reenact Dodgeball (the movie) with this group of wieners except it’s 10x less funny. I’d rather watch these guys dodge wrenches any day of the week. They take it even further by bringing Fred Willard BACK FROM THE DEAD (literally has someone checked his pulse lately) to do commentary for the game with Chris Harrison. It’s the opposite of funny. Leo leaves his hair down during the game, which is my BIGGEST pet peeve and the only thing I can focus on. Who won? No clue, but Leo had sweaty hair matted to his face and in his eyes the whole time, which could have been prevented with a simple hair tie. (Ya hear me, 90% of girls at the gym?! PHYSICAL ACTIVITY ISN’T A FASHION SHOW!)

cotton

Wills HAS to be high during his time with Becca, as he cries about his parent’s 50th anniversary and then goes in real hard for the kiss. Then Colton feels like he needs to get it off his chest right away that he dated Tia from last season. And by that he means they spent a weekend together (that’s a relationship in Bachelor world.) He didn’t feel the spark with Tia and hopes that Becca lets him stay because he sees a future with them. Becca’s pezzed. Wills gets the rose. Curveball. Then Becca cries even though I feel like her and Tia aren’t that tight and if they were SHE WOULD’VE ALREADY KNOWN ABOUT COLTON.

Cocktail Hour

Clay does an intricate football celebration dance just to be able to smooch Becca. Connor makes amends by framing a picture of his face and allowing her to toss it into the pool because that’s not really who he is. If Becca falls for this I’ll be pissed. (Spoiler alert: I’m pissed.) Jordan stripped down to his briefs *but kept his shoes on*. Practical. It’s cool though because he just doesn’t want Becca to get the wrong image of him and think he’s 007 all the time. He’s not. He’s also naked sometimes in dress shoes. After some babble about wanting a “mini Jordan” on his shoulder, he steers his nut huggers right into the hot seat with the chicken guy. It’s a literal cockfight. Get it? Cause Jordan’s penis is actually poking out of those undies and David dressed up as a chicken on night one. BOOM. Neither one of them knows how to pronounce ingenuity. Colton takes the time to show us he has a lisp and also prove that he’s an honest guy. Becca feels like she should let him go, which really means her vagina wants him to stay and that’s what will happen.

Rose Ceremony

Jean Blanc, Blake, Wills, Chris R., Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Bryan, Christon, Jordan, Lincoln & Colton

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Let’s Do the Damn Rebound!

chicken

If ABC teaches us anything it’s that if you allow them to tape your breakup, they will throw you a bone and let you cruise around LA in a red Ferrari convertible for shits and giggles.

Becca sits down with Rachel, JoJo and my gurl Kaitlyn. They’re like F**K Arie, you do you girl. True to form, Kaitlyn either got completely edited or she wasn’t allowed to say a thing. They “sage” the house aka just set off the smoke alarms. Then hammer it home how stupid guys are and how smart and intuitive women are because they pick the right guy for them 99.9% of the time on this show. As if that wasn’t already obvious. Now onto the boys…

Clay, 30 – Pro football player for 9 years and since I recently called him out for not really being one it certainly sounds like he’s retired now. He’s played on literally every team but his main focus is his family. When he meets Becca he plays up the football puns with saying he’ll be the biggest catch of her life and that he’ll catch her inside. My eyes rolled all over town with that. Then he brings it home by bringing literal clay for him and Becca to make sculptures with. I cannot physically listen to this man speak as it takes him 10 years to spit out a sentence.

Garrett does his Chris Farley impression right off the bat and I want to chop my head off. He’s an outdoorsy guy. Drives up to the mansion in a minivan and says one day he hopes to be a great dad. The minivan is stocked with diapers and soccer balls. Coming on REAL strong. Teaches Becca how to fish in the pool. Gives her a fly for fly-fishing and Becca thinks he’ll fit in really well with her family. Basically despite his general obnoxious demeanor, he played his cards right by standing out night one and therefore won the first impression rose AND the first smooooooch.

Jordan, 26 – As it could have been predicted from his headshot and quick bio, Jordan is a grade A male model asshole. He says things like, “The power is in the brows” or “Modeling is so much more than being ridiculously good looking. There is so much involved, it’s taxing.” He can see himself eating chocolate and watching chick flicks with Becca but HOW CAN HE DO THAT AND KEEP HIS FIGURE? Jordan then spends the entire first night talking about how much effort he put into his outfit to stand out and roasting everyone else’s’ outfits. He has a serious vendetta against a man wearing loafers without socks and also I’m confident he didn’t speak a word to Becca. Jordan is our character this season that producers will keep around just to piss us off but he’s certainly not a contender.

Lincoln, from Nigeria, likes to work out, gives Becca a Nigerian bracelet so that she’s part of the family. I can’t decide if I hate or love Lincoln’s accent and I’ll report back on that ASAP.

Joe, 31 – owns a grocery store and compares love to produce. He keeps winking and it’s unnerving. Upon exiting the limo, he shits his pants and forgot what he was gonna say to her. I guess talking about how he used to sell watermelons wholesale didn’t soak Becca’s panties and therefore winky Joe was cut loose at the rose ceremony.

Jean Blanc, 31 – Born in Haiti, and has over 100 bottles of cologne, “I’m gonna blow her nose away.” Gross, JB. Don’t ever say that again. In his intro, JB teaches Becca how to say, “let’s do the damn thing” in French. Gives Becca a candle with a poem on top that ends in “Let’s do the damn thing.” ENOUGH of that.

Colton, 26 – America’s sweetheart right here, Colton is a hotter version of Clay and heads a national cystic fibrosis charity. Unfortunately he’s only had one serious relationship and he’s quite young still so this could really hinder his chances to be the winner. But he’s the first out of the limo and gives Becca a confetti cannon to start things off with a bang.

Connor, 25 – Gets on his knee to say he’s opened his heart and is ready to do the damn thing. Steals her first and pops champagne with a knife. Connor is showy and also an infant. I don’t think this will take him far. Also she’s already made a comment about how Arie robbed her of her first proposal and you got down on one knee as your intro? Cool it.

John, 28 – talked about his grandparents with Becca and tells her right off the bat that he created Venmo. So at least she knows he’s rich.

Leo has his long ass hair up in a bun so that he can let it down for a dumb bit. She says he has hair like her sister so I’m guessing she’s NOT into it.

Nick wears a racecar driver suit and said what kind of dick wears this and strips it off. SUPER dumb and judging his bio I want this guy outta here ASAP.

Mike brings a cutout of Arie to say hopefully he gets a chance to see you as happy as you are tonight. Why. There is absolutely no need to bring up that wiener one single time in front of Becca. She got dumped on TV, you should be making her try to forget him not bring A LIFESIZE CUTOUT OF HIM TO LURK IN THE CORNER.

Blake met her already (after the rose) and put her on a horse. This time he rode a bull in? Blake just got out of a serious relationship and felt like he knows what he wants now. Becca feels like they’re on the same wavelength and they’re really vibing because they both just have so much love to give.

Chase- “It’s all about the chase” BYEEE. Immediately has to defend himself and say that he’s here for the right reasons because another one of the Florida wieners knows his ex girlfriend who has been bad mouthing him. Chases’ defense is that he’s been watching the show with his mom forever and that’s just how women are. He THEN brings Chris over to talk about his ex girlfriend with Becca and try to prove that he’s a good guy. It’s super awkward and now I hate both Chris and Chase.

Ryan wears a hideous floral jacket

Christon literally dunks over Becca’s head and even the guys watching were turned on.

Wills – admits he’s a closet nerd, has a HP tattoo

Jason – teaches Becca a queer handshake and I still hate him.

Kamil makes Becca walk to him in the driveway to say that relationships are 50/50 but really it turns into 60/40 and he’s kind of just a dick. He’s not a little embarrassed; he’s REALLY embarrassed about getting dumped on a first date.

Jake – As soon as this turd steps out of the limo Becca is like ummm we’ve met before and she doesn’t seem thrilled to be seeing him again so my immediate thought is that they’ve drunk banged before. Turns out they’ve been hanging out in the same group for years and he’s never shown interest before so Becca confronts him to ask if he’s actually on the show to date her. She sends him packing immediately. He takes it really well. JK he says he had a transformative year and he’s one of the most romantic f’ing people you’ll ever meet. If you’ve been friends with a girl for 2 years and go on a show to date her you better have a better excuse than a TRANSFORMATIVE year!

Trent shows up in a hearse and hops out and screams that he literally died but Becca brought him back to life. Get LAWST, Trent.

David wears a chicken costume and crows her name out. Uses STUPID chicken phrases to introduce himself. Becca thinks he’s fun. “I’m a lucky bird and Becca’s a cool chick” UGH. BECCA. DO BETTER THAN THIS.

Chris introduces a choir to win over Uncle Gary. After that he immediately initiates himself as this seasons’ snitch when he starts a powwow with two strangers about how Chase isn’t here for the right reasons and he wants to hold a coup to get him off the show. I hope Chris is gone soon but I know all too well that whistleblowers like him stick around to call everyone else out before they’re finally tossed. You’re not looking out for Becca; you’re just a pain in the ass.

Roses: Garrett, Lincoln, Rickey, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David, Jordan, Leo, Mike, Chris

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette S14 – Ranking the Contestants

Becca

Listen, not only is this show slowly but surely going down the shitter but they’ve also apparently done away with the quirky questionnaire under each person’s photo. So you’ll have to excuse me if this blog seems meaner than previous ones because I have LITERALLY nothing to go off of but these stupid headshots and a very general cheesy game show contestant blurb about each person. How am I supposed to judge you and make fun of the very essence of your being if they’ve crafted a PR sentence about you instead of asking what your greatest fear is? Seriously ABC, make this MORE difficult for me to blog. They also did Becca WAY dirty in this picture. What’s with the lace blazer? Come on. If you’re gonna pound “Do the Damn Thing” into the ground as this season’s catch phrase than at least allow your lead to look like the babe that she is in her cast photos instead of a mom attending a board meeting.

If I may make a blanket statement, which I usually do without your permission, they led all casting calls at “professional” athlete/aspiring model camp in Florida. Let’s get the Floridians out of the way, shall we?

Trent, 28

Trent

This guy here moved TO Florida to pursue an acting career. Is this a thing that I’m unaware of? Is Florida the up and coming hotspot for models? Cause my first thought is the plot of Magic Mike and that’s not really the catalog work that Trent here is bragging about.

Jordan, 26

Jordan

Nope it’s really a thing. Jordan is ALSO a model in Florida and he likes to run when he’s not “posing for magazine shoots.” All of the eye rolls in the world.

Nick, 27

Nick

This weirdo refers to himself as a “weekend warrior” who can usually be seen in his “signature tracksuits” I hope for all of our eyes’ sake we never have to see this signature outfit.

Jean Blanc, 31

Jean Blanc

Bio schmooze-writer felt the need to list this entire guy’s resume of the places he’s lived and the schools he’s attended. None of this erases the fact that he lives in Florida and is a “Colognoisseur” AKA he collects colognes. LOSER.

Chris, 30

Chris

Chris wants to retire in his 40’s like the rest of his family. Make it far enough in this show and you’ll retire with InstaG money, sir.

Chase, 27

Chase

First of all Chase, work on your smile because this sinister look will give me nightmares forever. Second of all, Chase’s highlight reel consisted of all the sports he played in college. Congrats on being athletic when you were 18. No1currrrrs.

Connor, 25

Connor

And this here is your diamond in the rough from the Florida bunch. He’s cute, loves his fitness and apparently was a former pro baseball player. Could be nice eye candy but he’s a baby and there’s no way he’s ready for marriage. He’s this season’s Dean.

Christon, 31

Christon

And now we move into the athlete/former athlete portion of our program. Christon is a FORMER Harlem Globetrotter. So like he made a career of doing tricks on the basketball court. Now he’s a pro dunker. Do with that what you will.

Clay, 30

Clay

Clay is a pro football player but they’re not name dropping a team, which makes this 100% bullshit. Either he’s benched, injured, retired or whatever because there is no chance they’re tossing an active football player on a reality dating show. Also he has the widest head I’ve quite possibly ever seen. Unrelated, but needed to be noted.

Mike, 27

Mike

Mike is a sports analyst who, “loves festivals, horse racing and state fairs.” So Mike is a degenerate.

Garrett, 29

Garrett

This guy is weirdly obsessed with Chris Farley and can’t wait to show off his impression which most likely is cringeworthy. Fingers crossed it’s his limo entrance and Becca will want to burrow away from him immediately.

Blake, 28

Blake

Blake believes two people need to be completely independent in order to truly be in love. Hm.

Leo, 31

Leo

Leo is a stuntman and he’s been growing his hair for the past 10 years. Leo makes my skin crawl.

Ryan, 26

Ryan

Ryan plays the banjo and is super into his family banjo band and I literally said UGHHHH out loud as I read that. We don’t need someone jamming the banjo down our throats all season.

Lincoln, 26

Lincoln

This kid is Nigerian and was named after Abraham Lincoln. BRUH, YOU’RE NOT EVEN FROM THIS COUNTRY WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NAMED AFTER A US PRESIDENT?!

Jason, 29

Jason

“A successful banker with a heart of gold” God I hate this show. Seriously think of a more stupid sentence to describe someone. News flash Jason, we can tell you’re a banker by your dumb slicked Wall Street wannabe hairstyle. You look like Gordon Bombay trying to dress like the bhole Iceland coach. AND THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. (Spoiler Alert: since CNY salivates at the notion of anyone with a tv crew in town, Syracuse.com already wrote an article a full 2 months ago about how this boner gets a hometown date. Makes me hate this show even more.)

David, 25

David

Speaking of stupid, here’s another successful business man. Because of course that’s how you describe a 25 year old. Also, he “loves avocado but hates guacamole.” A walking conundrum.

Darius, 26

Darius

D-Money lives a life of service so he’s charitable AF and probably won’t last long in this testosterone pissing contest.

John, 28

John

I fell asleep reading this guys’ bio and he looks like a dad.

Wills, 29

Wills

He seems cool but all we really know is that he’s into Harry Potter and has a plural first name.

Jake, 29

Jake

Jake’s a thrill seeker and into motocross. I was into that DCOM Motocrossed where the girl chops her hair short to compete with the boys and then falls in love with Riley Smith. Same thing, really.

Grant, 27

Grant

Again, nothing really special here. Apparently he’s sarcastic AF so maybe that’ll keep things fun or maybe it’ll be really annoying. Time will tell.

Rickey, 27

Rickey

I think Rickery Dickery Dock made an app or something for fitness but have you seen his bowtie game? Between that and the maroon jacket, he’s inched toward the top of the list.

Joe, 31

Joe

Tale as old as time, record breaking stockbroker turned grocery store owner. Joe didn’t have any true red flags and he’s pretty cute so here we are. If we’re being completely honest, in my notes I wrote “he’s fine” and starred him. So that’s where our standards lie now for contestant bios.

Christian, 28

Christian

This hombre is from Mexico and a semi-pro futbol player so that’s pretty spicy. Except that his occupation is banker. So clearly he wasn’t that good at footie. He probably just plays on a co-ed club team.

Kamil, 30

Kamil

Gotta rep my fellow upstate NY’ers (except for James) even though “social media participant” isn’t a career and if it was, I wouldn’t be unemployed right now…or ever. Kamil is from Poland and “dabbles in modeling.” I make my friends take pictures of me every weekend so I guess you could so I also dabble in modeling. Kammy and I have a ton in common and I’m pulling for him.

Colton, 26

Colton

Colton is dazzling but he’s probably not the winner. He’s another one of those former pro football players, forced to quit due to injury who is now dedicated to his charity work and loves spending time with his family. Sounds like the perfect man, but might be a little too young for the Beccster.

Alex, 31

Alex

Alex is the man Becca deserves according to my opinion alone. He’s a little older, a construction manager, loves his dog and listening to country music on his boat. Plus look at that cute smile. Alex & Becca 4eVeR.

As always, if I’ve chosen the one who gets kicked off the first night or turns out to be a crazy person I cannot be held liable as THEY GIVE US NO INFORMATION TO MAKE THESE PREDICTIONS OFF OF. Peep the full bios HERE and LET’S. DO. THE. DAMN. THING.

 

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The Bachelorette – Crusty Lashes

Breaking news: Juan Pablo is married. Are we supposed to care about that? It was literally straight crickets when Chris Harrison felt it was necessary to pop off the finale with that announcement. Wasn’t he like the most hated bachelor ever? Not to mention there are no pictures, no exclusive interview, nothing. From one fellow scoopee to another, if you’re going to share news that no one gives a shit about, at least jazz it up with a pic. Hot start to wasting our time.

In a SUPRISING AND DRAMATIC twist, Rachel has to watch the finale live with Chris Harrison and a studio audience then face the rejects. Clearly grasping at straws for anything they can do at this point to spice up the final three excruciating hours of this season. Unfortunately rather than this being spicy, it basically just means that we watch Rachel tell us about her feelings and reflect on each experience on the show, then the camera cuts to Rachel telling us about her feelings and reflecting on each experience. BUT IT’S LIVE! Spoiler alert: Rachel still thinks each moment was “tough”. At least she looks like a babe soda.

Back in Rioja, Spain…

Rachel and Peter decide that since they’re both falling in love they should just pretend the engagement disagreement never happened. Peter gets the key to her vagina for the night. Good choice, Rachel. I approve.

Rachel and Bryan take horses through the vineyard and stare at each other a lot. Later he tells her how much he loves her and is in love with her forever and ever. He gets the booty card. The next morning he says, “We’re back on track, the chemistry is hotter than ever.” We get it, you boned.

The LAST Rose Ceremony

Rachel makes a speech about how she didn’t come here for a boyfriend, she wants that proposal. ***Laser focused on Peter**** It’s all for nothing though because she says goodbye to Eric. GURL. Why even make that speech? She tells Eric that she loves him but she’s not in love. It’s weird how I almost called Bryan and Peter as bottom two in like…the second week. OH WAIT I DID.

Over in fluffland at the Hollywood studio, Eric comes onstage and he’s like super graceful and thankful for the experience and not bitter at all. SOMEONE is looking for that Bachelor spot. The rest of the conversation between him and Rachel is completely forgettable, at best. What’s not forgettable is his new facial hair that is doing things for America. We see you, Eric.

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Hot Air Balloon Ride with Bry

The two make out in the sky and later Bryan gives Rachel a Spanish dictionary called “Bryan and Rachel’s Spanish Dictionary.” Basically he took a Spanish dictionary and put a piece of computer paper over the top of it like a book sock and wrote wife, husband, forever and “Big Rach” in the front cover. Hey Bryan, if you want her to pick you, maybe don’t call her Grande Rach. Like ever.

Church with Pete

They go to church to scare Peter further about marriage. Just kidding, they talk about saints and shit. Then that sly motherfucker of a monk is like will you become…how you say…married? And Rachel is like NOPE. Yeah this date will help things along. Peter is just wondering “about life, love, and everything in between.” And THAT is what we call scripted reality TV. I don’t care how much we all crush on Peter (A LOT), there’s no way he came up with that on his own. He then lists all the experiences he wants to have with Rachel like paint n sip and the farmers market. Yes, that’s called dating.

Later, he says he knows he’s in love and sees forever with Rachel but he’s not ready to propose. They repeat the same argument and both stand strongly in opposition. Peter’s like fine, I’ll propose if that means we can be together. And Rachel is like if you don’t want to, don’t do it. SHE WANTS HIM TO WANT TO PROPOSE. Could this be a more typical argument? Anyway, I think I blacked out for a little bit because I just figured they’d work their way through this and suddenly they’re kissing goodbye and Peter is ripping his JCrew sweater off to sob into it. Mmmm, muscles.

Chris Harrison rudely interrupts this to call it a breakup. I don’t know if I was just being naive but I 1000% thought they were just like let’s sleep on this and that Peter was going to bounce back the next day. I almost cried my eyelashes off with this jarring realization that they’re dunzo. (And my eyelashes are real…not to brag.)

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Peter makes an appearance in the hot seat and to say it’s pReTtY awkward would be the understatement of the century. I guess when I blacked out Peter was like you’re going to have a mediocre life without me. Kinda bitter but like Rachel sass handing him and telling him she’s living her best life was also unnecessary. GIRL DON’T YOU TALK TO PETER LIKE THAT.  Since Peter will obviously want that Bach nod, Rachel declares this process isn’t for him in attempts to curbstomp that dream. Rachel is literally every woman ever after a shitty breakup. I’M LIVING MY BEST LIFE BUT YOU DATE OTHER PEOPLE ON TV AND I’LL CUT YOU. PS let’s not gloss over the fact that Peter says he walked by Rachel’s crusty lashes stuck to the floor for two days, and thought about what he’d done. #ROMANCE. But seriously, clean those up. That’s disgusting.

PS do you think Bryan is about to hang himself by the curtains backstage listening to this? He could not more clearly be the last resort choice.

Back to the show–Rachel feels like she’s rushing it with Bryan after she loses Peter. BECAUSE SHE’S STILL IN LOooOVE WITH PETER and WISHES HE WOULD PROPOSE TRALALAAAAAA. During the proposal that was given away basically at the top of this three hour pile of steaming garbage, Bryan repeats the dumb Spanish line he said the first night…to bring it full circle. Then he also creepily says their first kiss was like a chemistry bomb exploded. Aaand apparently we’re also bringing it full circle to Bryan being gross. Rachel is like my heart is confused but I love you so much and I see my future in you. Yep this is everlasting love, folks. Also: pear shaped ring. Wuph.

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During the “After Show”, Bryan re-proposes to further remind us why we all hate him and they tongue smash each other onstage mere inches away from Chris Harrison. HOW CAN HE JUST SIT THERE AND WITNESS THAT WITHOUT TOSSING HIS COOKIES?! The couple that everyone definitely hates is considering moving to LA. WOW what a shocker. Rachel says, “We just want to live a normal life and get to know each other and spend time together.” Cough cough, EXACTLY WHAT PETER WANTED. Whatevz. Enjoy your month of press before your inevitable breakup, guys. You deserve nothing but the best.

*Editors Note: If the next season of this show is as unwatchable as these past two have been I’m officially declaring myself #done with this franchise. I’ve given it a fair chance. You hear this ABC? Clean it up or The Salty Ju is OUT.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Still Cutting Dead Weight

Moving our way up through the vacation locales, we’ve arrived in Geneva, Switzerland after a glorious Bachelorette free week. It was ABC’s birthday gift to ‘Merica. Rachel’s gift to these men is telling them at the beginning of the episode that there would be no rose ceremony, thus leaving them to their devices to put their heads together and figure out who will not benefit from this little switcheroo. Cough cough, the only two left that no one remembers the names of, we’re all lookin at you. Seriously though, my dad watched the first five minutes of this episode because I bribed him with a chocolate ice cream bar and the first thing he said was who are these two guys, they’re both ugly when it showed Matt and Adam strategizing on the patio. Classic Dad roast. He’s not wrong though.

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Rich People Stuff with Slobbers McGee

Bryan gets to drive a Bentley around town for a little Swiss watch shopping. Rachel’s all, I love to take care of my man, and Bryan’s all, I’m gonna tongue dive all over your face while we shop for expensive jewels. What a couple of douchers. Bryan calls a watch “a forever gift” (ok.) and is close to bursting into grateful tears as he thanks Rachel for his new timepiece. Rachel can CTFD on pretending for a second that she paid out of pocket for two Swiss watches. Cut the bullshit, girl. Your TV show paid for this trip as well as this date and all gifts included. They will also pay for your engagement ring that you will end up having to give back. NICE TRY THOUGH.

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At night we learn that Bryan’s last serious girlfriend dumped him because she didn’t like his mom or something. Rachel is like I can’t wait to meet your mom here’s a rose followed closely by my tongue. They eat face while violins play.

During this suffocating date, back at the hotel, Dean’s like alright, this jabroni is 37, lives in Miami and has had a lotta time to learn how to smooth talk his way into a lady’s drawers. TRUTH BOMB. #TEAMDEAN (or #TEAMANYONEBUTBRYAN)

Put on your Sunday Best with Dean

Rachel takes Dean to church and not in the way Hozier sings about. So, Bryan gets to drive a Bentley and get blinged out, Dean has to sit through a mass all in French. SUCKKKSSSSS. Church in foreign countries blows big time. I went in Italy and basically got booed out of the joint. It didn’t help that my friend who came with me was wearing what she wore out to the bars the night before. But either way…it’s God’s rule that when you’re worshipping Him, the people around you shouldn’t be judgmental AF. NOT UP IN HERE! Not only did the heffer in front of me act like I was a carrier of SARS during the sign of peace but she also seatblocked me after communion and the entire congregation sounded like they were auditioning to be the phlegm in a Mucinex commercial. In the words of myself, in an email I sent to my father from Florence in 2012 complaining about how mean those turds at the Duomo are:  “Then mass ended so that we could go in peace and learn how to be asshole Italians who treat others poorly in the house of the Lord.” Why did I tell that tale of how Italy is the home of the Pope but they’re the least welcoming Catholics on this planet? Because it’s infinitely more interesting than anything that occurred on this date. HEYYOOOOOO.

Later, Rachel tells Dean that this date sucked. Hey, maybe don’t expect a trip to french church to do anything BUT suck. But either way, Dean confesses that he acted like a weirdo because he doesn’t want Rachel to meet his dysfunctional family who peaced out on him when his mom died. Rachel takes this very obvious “I don’t really wanna be on this show anymore” as an invite for a hometown date. CAN’T W8!

We’re at the Peak of our Relationship with Peter

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Rachel and Peter fly up to Glacier 3000 for a dog sledding adventure. Speaking of dogs WHERE THE F HAS COPPER BEEN THE LAST 4 EPISODES?! Other than watching puppy wuppies run in the snow and Peter’s beautiful cover-ready mug getting more screen time, nothing about this date is particularly noteworthy. Except for the fact that Peter’s most recent girlfriend never met his parents and they just grew apart. He tells this story really dramatically even tossing in the “I watched her crying in my rearview mirror as I drove away” for a pretty low-key breakup. No one died, no one was sick; no one was cheated on or beaten with a high heel. Grow up, Peter. Rachel feels like Petey’s not ready for the ole proposal, probably because he cried over dumping a girlfriend once. She gives him the rose anyway.

Difficulty with Eric, Matt and Adam

Rachel greets the three losers and they all say “THERE SHE IS!” in different tones. Real original. They take a boat to France. Eric’s not afraid no more. Real sentence that dribbled out of his mouth. Rachel sobs to Matt about how he reminds her so much of herself. Is that why the guy who wore a penguin suit the first night to cover up his balding head is still around? Rachel is like I’m crying because I don’t want to meet your family, goodbye. I’m pretty sure the first time they’ve ever kissed was when she was giving him the boot.

Later after Matt (?) is bounced, Adam says, “there she is” in a careless whisper and WOULDN’T YOU KNOW THERE RACHEL IS!!! He takes her aside to tell her about his family and how much he loves her or something I don’t know. He brought a dummy of himself on the first night that was terrifying. He cannot survive one more week on this god-awful show. Eric gets the rose, thankfully. Only a few more weeks everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I’m Copen This Ends Soon

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Monday night (if you recall…I know it was a while ago) Lee told Rachel that Kenny turns into the Hulk when he drinks. Casually, of course. Kenny plays right into Lee’s bullshit and starts threatening Lee with some grown-up swears. He is a VERY angry elf. Rachel tells Lee that she can’t trust him and that she wants to spend more time with Kenny to decide if he’s worthy of a rose. Lee may be a bitch (said only in hushed tones) but Kenny is acting like one too and they both need to GTFO. Kenny needs to “say goodbye” to Lee while Rachel waits in the helicopter and questions why she decided to do this show. I wonder every week (sometimes twice a week) why I decided to watch it.

Rachel asks Kenny later why he needed to go back to Lee for an extra goodbye other than to make us all want to hang ourselves with the living room curtains. Kenny says he needs to talk things through rather than bottling them up. It’s a decent explanation but also that was wildly unnecessary and Lee gets his paycheck whether you tell him he has some good inside of him or not. But who am I to judge? They have a nice chat about how Kenny wants to be vulnerable and have a good relationship. Kenny gets the rose because he’s honest and sincere and a dad. Then he illegally facetimes his daughter and sobs a lot again.

Rose Ceremony Numero Uno: Bryan, Will, Kenny, Dean, Eric, Peter, Alex, Adam, Matt(WHY?)

Josiah shouts that no one is better than him, as he leaves…a loser. A loser with a skinny wiener.

OFF TO COPENHAGEN!!! WHAT an upgrade from Myrtle Beach or wherever they were last week.

I’m Copen to Love with Eric

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Eric dances over to Rachel and is REAL jazzed to finally get some time togets and probably also that Lee is gone. And Iggy. They take a boat tour of the city and an old man thinks they’re married because he was paid to say that. Then they get in a public hot tub where some old Denmarkian flashes them his family jewels. Sounds like the type of crowd you would expect at a cluster of hot tubs dropped in the middle of a city. Maybe get tested right quick, guys. Just a suggestion. Take it or leave it. Eric tells Rachel that he’s falling for her, he always ran from love because his mom hated him. He gets rosed.

I’ve Taken A Viking To You Guys with Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, Adam

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The bros have to row Viking style out to an island where they learn from Tom, an actor wearing a beanie that looks like a condom on his head that Viking is actually pronounced Wiking. See? This show is educational. The first game is to grab a greasy wooden phallic shaped thing from Rachel’s hand. FUN! Peter tosses Rachel around like a ragdoll. MUSCLES! TOSS ME AROUND, PETER. In the final round it’s Adam vs. Kenny fighting for her heart and you don’t say KENNY GETS AN EYE INJURY! SHOCKER the injury that was teased for 2 weeks was really just from a dumb group date competition AND NOT FROM LEE. WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT?! Me. I guessed it. Suck it, ABC. Suck it so hard.

Later Bryan is like we’re so connected, as his tongue snakes down Rachel’s throat because their only conversations are slurping ones. We do learn that Bryan’s family won’t be racist (hometown guarantee) and that he’s ready to settle down. We also learn that Will only dates whites, but he’s down to explore Rachel.

Kenny (who fought real hard to stick around) feels like he’s losing time with his daughter for no reason. Realistically we all know his time expired on this show right around the same time that he wouldn’t stop freestyle rapping. He tells Rachel that he needs to know if he’s staying or not because he wants to go hang with his kid. Rachel keeps it one hunnid and tells Kenny he should go home. She’s so 100 emoji it’s unreal. I wonder if she has the 100 emoji tatted somewhere? I wouldn’t be surprised. Kenny facetimes his daughter on the way home and cries. Props for keeping it consistent. Rachel gives the rose to Peter because DUH.

Sweden with Will

The two play games and get hot chocolate and an old ass Swedish couple just HAPPEN to join Rachel and Will to talk about their love story. It’s completely organic and not at all scripted. They smooch to show they’re still in love even though they’re old and crusty and Rachel has to demand that Will give her a kiss. Yikes to that chemistry. They finish the day portion in awkward silence staring out at the view.

Later Will confesses that he’s mostly dated white chicks and immediately you can tell Rachel is not down with this. Rachel tells Will he’s just friend material. They talk for far longer about this than is necessary. Bye, Will. You’ve been friend zoned. Speaking of friend zoned does anyone remember that show on MTV? Where one person is in love with their best friend and then MTV films them confessing and the other person has to decide if they want to date them or never speak to them again because obviously the friendship is over? God that show was good. SO much better than this show. Can we bring that back? Nothing says good TV like old fashioned rejection.

Rose Ceremony Numero Dos: Eric, Peter, Bryan, Matt(AGAIN, WHY?!), Dean, Adam

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